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Join us as we take a look back at the movies from your childhood and question the absurdity of their universes.
[Evan]: I can go as Dan, my friend, so you should have expected that.
[Evan]: That makes me sound like I'm doing well.
[Evan]: No, I mean... Hello and welcome to So You Think That Was Good, Do You?
[Evan]: A podcast where we take a look back at the films from your childhood and question the absurdity of their universes.
[Evan]: My name is Evan and I'm joined by two beautiful boys as I always am on episode 99.
[Evan]: Boys!
[Evan]: Boys!
[Evan]: How you doing?
[Sam]: I'm good, mate.
[Sam]: It's, yeah, episode 99.
[Sam]: Very exciting.
[Sam]: Level 99 podcasting.
[Sam]: It's been a long journey.
[Sam]: Even longer as of late, since it's taking us about three months on average per episode.
[Evan]: Well, it takes longer to level up once you're that high, but we haven't gotten any better, have we?
[Carl]: Are we now XP grinding in order to get to level 100?
[Carl]: Is that what you're saying?
[Carl]: Yeah.
[Evan]: So we can get done, yeah.
[Evan]: So we can 100% this and do something else.
[Evan]: Carl, don't think you can fucking get away with it.
[Evan]: Nice for chiming in quicker, but tell me how you are.
[Carl]: Living the dream, mate.
[Carl]: Living the dream.
[Evan]: How are you?
[Evan]: Anything big happen in the last few weeks?
[Evan]: Do not switch up.
[Evan]: Don't pretend like fixing your cracked tooth has all of a sudden implanted a personality in you.
[Evan]: I don't know what's happened.
[Evan]: Before we started recording, he was pulling out props and doing little fucking bits.
[Evan]: I don't know who this guy is.
[Carl]: Well, we watched this movie three weeks ago, and then someone went and got a little nervous before his marriage, so we didn't record the episode.
[Carl]: A little bit stressed.
[Carl]: Sorry, guys.
[Carl]: And I had to watch the end of this today after a three-week gap, and I had a fuck-all clue what was happening.
[Evan]: Yes, I did get mad.
[Evan]: It was very nice to see you both there.
[Evan]: Did you have a good time?
[Sam]: I had a great time.
[Sam]: I've been ill since, but that's just making up for having too much good time, I think.
[Carl]: I mean, I showed up ill and left healthy.
[Carl]: Just made everyone else ill and left.
[Carl]: Good times.
[Evan]: Well, let's get into the fucking movie then.
[Evan]: It's one I have never seen until literally I finished it 40 minutes ago.
[Evan]: It is GoldenEye, I Have Forgotten the Year.
[Evan]: Do you know what year?
[Evan]: 1995?
[Evan]: 1995.
[Evan]: Wow, what a guess.
[Evan]: Pierce Brosnan's first...
[Evan]: foray as james bond is that a word if i just created one okay yes for him as james bond right then well i suppose we'll get into it i tell you what i've forgotten to do boys is get a plot synopsis
[Evan]: So, since this is the 99th episode and that might mean something, I'm just going to take a run at the plot in the moment.
[Evan]: How do you feel about that?
[Carl]: Someone's getting too comfortable.
[Sam]: No, I can't wait to hear this because we were just talking about this and I don't think any of us really know what we've just watched.
[Evan]: And I'm going to struggle through this, but I'm going to give it a go.
[Evan]: James Bond.
[Evan]: He has been in MI6 for a long time at this point, I believe, because...
[Evan]: Even though it's a different actor, it is the same Bond because he is annoyed that M is now a woman.
[Evan]: That's the setup for the movie.
[Evan]: There is something going on in Russia.
[Sam]: This is a great start.
[Evan]: They're creating some kind of MacGuffin.
[Evan]: Of course it's satellite-based that's going to do some EMP shit that's going to wipe out London.
[Evan]: James Bond's friend dies.
[Evan]: 006, that's Sean Bean.
[Evan]: He plays a big role in this movie.
[Evan]: Great to see him.
[Evan]: It can't be him, can it?
[Evan]: He dies in the first two minutes.
[Evan]: It's not Sean Bean.
[Evan]: Jump to later on in the movie.
[Evan]: It is Sean Bean.
[Evan]: He's betrayed James Bond.
[Evan]: He's not working with the Russians.
[Evan]: They're also being betrayed.
[Evan]: He is some weird faction that I don't know if they're real.
[Evan]: Maybe they are, who betrayed the Nazis during World War... No, betrayed Russia during World War I, joined the Nazis, and then were betrayed by Britain and sent back to Russia to be executed.
[Evan]: He was born in England, so hates England, and now he's going to blow up England at the end.
[Evan]: I made it sound confusing, but that is what the plot is.
[Carl]: Evan thinks there were Nazis in World War I. Oh, did they not say Nazis?
[Evan]: Did they just say Germans?
[Carl]: It was a month ago, mate.
[Sam]: I don't know.
[Sam]: He's a Cossack, is the way that he's referred to.
[Sam]: Yeah.
[Sam]: I didn't do any research into this either.
[Sam]: I don't know if this is a real...
[Sam]: I don't know if the plot line behind this is in any way based on truth.
[Evan]: If it was from the book...
[Evan]: I'd imagine it was real.
[Evan]: I'd think Ian Fleming had done that.
[Evan]: But if this was part of the screenplay, it's absolutely made up.
[Carl]: Don't you worry, boys.
[Carl]: I can help out on this.
[Evan]: Oh, good.
[Carl]: In order to reacquaint myself with this story today, I went to Wikipedia and I read the plots and up, and the bit that said Cossack was in blue, so it's real.
LAUGHTER
[Evan]: Perfect.
[Carl]: Good stuff.
[Carl]: Thank you.
[Carl]: I've done my research, boys.
[Evan]: So it's a true story.
[Evan]: Yeah.
[Evan]: Read a fucking book.
[Carl]: Read a Wikipedia page.
[Evan]: I guess.
[Evan]: I'm sorry about that.
[Evan]: There's the plot snob.
[Evan]: Yeah.
[Evan]: I mean, usually we would rate the plot snob there, but I know that was bad, so we don't need to do that, and I can't take it right now, boys.
[Evan]: I'm happy to do that.
[Evan]: I suppose.
[Evan]: Let's dive into the movie then.
[Sam]: Mm-hmm.
[Sam]: Well, I loved...
[Sam]: Okay, so I'm going to explain.
[Sam]: So I chose this film.
[Sam]: I elected this for the pod.
[Sam]: And the reason I did it is based on the first five or so minutes of the film.
[Sam]: I think that's when I messaged you and said, I'm watching Goldeneye.
[Sam]: We should cover this on the pod.
[Evan]: This is the one.
[Sam]: Which it was the moment was.
[Sam]: So it starts off with, yeah, James breaks into this Russian base in a kind of a dam.
[Sam]: Yeah.
[Sam]: I don't really understand all of the geography of this place, but he breaks in, goes through the base, and then he sets a load of bombs with his buddy, Sean Bean.
[Sam]: 00 something else.
[Sam]: 006, I think.
[Sam]: And then the way that he escapes from this base is he's got a bomb on wheels and he hides behind it and wheels it out the door while about 40 guys with AK-47s watch him and don't move a muscle.
[Sam]: Like, walk over, walk a fucking round.
[Sam]: Stab him!
[Sam]: It's a beautiful, like, 30 seconds of him slowly squeaking his way over to the door while they just watch, like, what do we do?
[Carl]: Yeah, I don't know how to feel about this intro, because my only real experience of James Bond is the most recent Daniel Craig ones.
[Carl]: I saw a few of them.
[Carl]: And this feels so different, so ridiculous, that it was a real struggle to get my head around that this was meant to be the same, well, maybe not the same person, but the same universe.
[Carl]: It's the same person.
[Carl]: Yeah.
[Carl]: Is it meant to be the same guy?
[Carl]: Is he meant to just carry on as this guy?
[Evan]: Yeah, because M is in the new ones.
[Evan]: It's still Judi Dench.
[Sam]: I suppose maybe there's some argument that there's different 007s and that... Oh, true.
[Evan]: But his name is also James Bond.
[Sam]: Yeah, they did Casino Royale twice with different actors, so it's the same guy.
[Evan]: Haven't I done this before?
[Evan]: There's a...
[Carl]: Indiana Jones level ridiculousness to this escape, where it's based more on luck than anything else.
[Carl]: And they reference that.
[Carl]: Yeah.
[Carl]: I mean, do you think it would be better if his first mission that we get to see goes smoothly?
[Carl]: Because this feels so much like winging it.
[Carl]: You just go, is he good?
[Carl]: Is he good at this?
[Carl]: Because he just kind of makes it up on the fly and gets lucky a lot.
[Evan]: I loved it.
[Evan]: I was so happy with your choice at the start of this movie because I agreed that first five minutes, I didn't really even find them...
[Evan]: particularly hilarious, I thought the chemistry between Piers and Sean Bean in that opening scene where they, like, in order to signal certain things to each other, they're just using catchphrases from the pub about ordering pints and things to, like, for setting the charges and how long they should be and what action they should do to, like, attack the enemy and things like that.
[Evan]: I thought it was a really good setup for their relationship as double O's.
[Evan]: It is...
[Evan]: I think better to do this as people who are like so used to just getting out the other side of missions that clearly it isn't like a plan that's been set there.
[Evan]: I think you've got a spot on there, Carl.
[Evan]: It's better that we see it as these guys are not just winging it.
[Evan]: They're not worried at all about, they've seen so many fucking minions at this point.
[Evan]: He knows he's not going to get shot.
[Evan]: I don't even think he knew those barrels were explosive.
[Evan]: You're just like, I'm going to hide behind the barrels.
[Evan]: I don't think the bullets will go through two sides of a barrel and hit me.
[Evan]: That's the level of confidence this guy's operating at throughout this movie.
[Evan]: Now, we also see whenever he enters a room and sees a female, all plot stops and the confidence levels go to fucking 300.
[Evan]: And we're going to touch on it so many times in this because the movie fucking makes it happen again.
[Evan]: Constantly.
[Evan]: Constantly this man is eye-fucking any piece of skirt that walks into the room.
[Sam]: I mean, yeah, the very next scene is he's getting a psychological assessment and he just fucks the assessor.
[Evan]: I want to get to that.
[Sam]: And then halfway through trying to kind of flirt with her, he just sees another woman and chases after her.
[Evan]: I really want to touch on that.
[Evan]: But before we get there, I want to talk about...
[Evan]: So his name is Alec, Sean Bean in this.
[Evan]: Oh, yeah.
[Evan]: That really even matters.
[Evan]: But so this whole scene ends with 006 being caught and he's on his knees.
[Evan]: They've got a gun to his head.
[Evan]: There's those 200 men.
[Evan]: James Bond is about to do this whole wheeling out the barrels trick.
[Evan]: But before he does, they shoot Alec in the face.
[Evan]: He is shot point blank.
[Evan]: James Bond is eyeing that fucking scene.
[Evan]: He knows what's happening.
[Evan]: There is no blood, no brain over the floor.
[Evan]: All that has happened is that there's been a noise and Sean Bean sort of folds to the floor.
[Evan]: I know Sean Bean isn't dead, because even though I've not seen this, I'm aware he's the bad guy.
[Evan]: And also, yeah, people take the piss out of Sean Bean dying and everything, but they ain't fucking spending money on Sean Bean for him to die in the first 20 seconds of a fucking movie.
[Evan]: The first scene.
[Evan]: Of course he's coming back.
[Evan]: But James Bond, living in a universe where, assumedly...
[Evan]: there's blood would realize his friend is obviously faking his death the movie i think tries to get around it by having no other blood in the movie i think to make to sell this moment they're like okay we're not doing any other blood anytime anyone's shot stabbed when there's a bit at the end but i think they're like this is the most extreme case there is so there's going to be a little bit of blood and that's when sean bean falls from the satellite and it's
[Evan]: the dome and then his nose is bleeding a little bit it's like yeah if you really hit someone a little bit of blood will come out yeah like this is fun out of note this is not my biggest issue with the start of this movie or his character tack it on my biggest issue is why can't he use his yorkshire accent evan
[Carl]: Why can't we have James Bond teamed up with a Yorkshire secret agent?
[Carl]: Why can't the world handle that?
[Carl]: I know it's 1995, but I think the world was ready for a Yorkshire 006.
[Carl]: Well, this was made for American audiences.
[Sam]: They would not have had a clue what he was saying.
[Evan]: They wouldn't understand it.
[Evan]: Yeah, I agree.
[Evan]: But also, is a man from the North getting into MI6?
[Carl]: For England.
[Evan]: LAUGHTER
[Evan]: I just want to make note of something because I've just remembered.
[Evan]: There is one film I've seen where Sean Bean dies instantly and they do waste some budget on him.
[Evan]: Have either of you seen Equilibrium with Christian Bale?
[Carl]: Oh, I've been meaning to watch it.
[Evan]: Yeah.
[Carl]: Excellent.
[Carl]: We discussed doing it for this quite a few times.
[Evan]: Yeah, I'd be up for that still.
[Evan]: Especially if Sam's not seen it, that'd be a pretty weird film.
[Carl]: It's like 1984 with Gun Kung Fu.
[Carl]: I've seen clips.
[Carl]: It's called Gun Fu, bro.
[Carl]: It is called Gun Fu, sorry.
[Evan]: Use its name.
[Carl]: That sounds great.
[Carl]: Some sort of Glock-based dance routine where you'll never get shot.
[Evan]: It's fantastic.
[Evan]: And the whole plot is like people are taking feelings as drugs, right?
[Evan]: They're like, oh, I want to feel a bit of...
[Evan]: I think they... Name a feeling, Evan.
[Evan]: Sorry, as a sociopath, I can't name a single feeling right now.
[Carl]: I wish I could feel human.
[Evan]: Dreads, there we go.
[Evan]: There's a feeling.
[Carl]: Yeah, I just wish I could feel a bit of dread, please.
[Carl]: I think they take drugs to feel nothing.
[Carl]: I think that's the idea.
[Evan]: It's probably the cheapest one, though, isn't it?
[Evan]: Dread.
[Evan]: Oh, is it nothing?
[Evan]: They want to feel nothing.
[Carl]: No, I think they exist taking drugs every day to feel nothing.
[Carl]: And then he feels for the first time because he stops taking his drugs.
[Evan]: Oh.
[Carl]: Hint, hint, Evan.
[Sam]: No, not at this point.
[Sam]: You can't start feeling at this point.
[Evan]: No, what if it's just dread?
[Evan]: Nobody told me it's just dread.
[Sam]: It's the only one who knows.
[Sam]: He'd feel happiness.
[Sam]: He'd be like, what kind of dread is this?
[Evan]: Oh, fucking hell.
[Evan]: Coming to the opening title sequence for this movie, I think you have to mention them when it's a James Bond movie.
[Sam]: Yeah, you do.
[Evan]: Even though it's Tina Turner, this song was fucking shit.
[Carl]: It wasn't the best one.
[Carl]: I mean, I know I watched it a while ago, but I also remember that Amazon has a plus 10 button, which got pressed quite a few times.
[Carl]: I have no idea what happened in the opening sequence.
[Carl]: Anything to get through a two-hour movie.
[Sam]: Well, I was, I mean, I did watch it because it's an iconic part of the film.
[Sam]: And I was certain that, you know, the classic James Bond intro is silhouettes of bullets and mostly naked women silhouettes dancing.
[Sam]: But this is just, it's just full tits on show.
[Sam]: Oh yeah, you could see tits.
[Sam]: So the minus 10 got hit a few times.
LAUGHTER
[Sam]: I can't believe this was a three-hour film.
[Sam]: I was just hitting that more dread button.
[Sam]: But seriously, I don't know.
[Sam]: I was really shocked by that.
[Sam]: I don't know if it's something to do with remastering it.
[Sam]: Probably, yeah.
[Sam]: This film's kind of meant to be kid-appropriate, isn't it?
[Sam]: I can see that woman's nipples.
[Sam]: No blood, but nipples are fine.
[Sam]: Which, to be fair, is the right way around.
[Sam]: That probably is the more acceptable way.
[Sam]: In the 90s, we didn't think that.
[Carl]: gone hang on my moral compass is so twisted i forgot you were evan for a second sorry
[Evan]: Okay, no, Sam, I do want to get to that scene where James Bond, we've come out of the title sequence, he's racing in a red car.
[Evan]: No, in his Aston Martin, probably, I don't know, James Bond kind of sports cars.
[Evan]: He's in some swervy fucking lanes, which don't look like the English countryside, but we've got to assume they are.
[Evan]: And he's in the room with a fairly librarian, in the car with a fairly librarian-y looking woman.
[Sam]: A car's a type of a room.
[Evan]: A car is a type of a room, you're right, thank you.
[Sam]: Mostly seats.
[Sam]: A lot of seats and windows, this little room has.
[Sam]: It's a car, Evan.
[Evan]: Never will I get into a car now without thinking about that.
[Evan]: He's driving through my fucking countryside with this woman.
[Evan]: And I thought, as the scene is setting up, that this is a woman who's just fucked.
[Evan]: They're out on the road together.
[Evan]: He's just showing her a good time afterwards.
[Evan]: He knows two things, doesn't he?
[Evan]: He knows fucking women and then driving about in his car and being like, look how sick this is.
[Evan]: And then I thought it was...
[Evan]: brazen even for james bond that he then sees a even sexier woman in a red sports car pull up alongside him and then flirt with her whilst this cuck is still sat next to him in his room i've never heard of a woman described as a cuck before well there you go you have
[Evan]: But then it's revealed that she's a psychologist, as you said.
[Evan]: So I was like, oh, that makes sense.
[Evan]: She's there evaluating him.
[Evan]: Clearly that whole mission has had an effect on him.
[Evan]: And he spent the last, I think, six years being evaluated to go back into service.
[Evan]: And then just as I finished writing that note, I look up and James Bond is snogging the psychologist.
[Evan]: The other woman he was flirting with is nowhere to be seen.
[Evan]: And then I write that note and James Bond is playing baccarat with an even sexier woman at a casino table.
[Evan]: I have no idea how he got to.
[Evan]: And that is this movie in a nutshell.
[Evan]: Every fucking 10 minutes, there is a slew of scenes where it's just women James Bond is almost definitely going to fuck.
[Carl]: My biggest issue with...
[Carl]: all of these interactions with women is...
[Carl]: I always assumed he was this charming guy and he'd say something or does something or in some way seduces them.
[Carl]: But every single time it's just like he's released the sex pheromone and this woman just out of nowhere just suddenly changes.
[Carl]: Describes it so perfectly.
[Carl]: It's just him.
[Carl]: It's infuriating because you just go, it would be so easy to make this guy...
[Sam]: interesting enough that women would find him difficult to resist but they don't bother they just go and then she wants to fuck him there's a point later on where James and a woman I've forgotten the name of escape from a train that explodes and as they're kind of like
[Sam]: They've almost died.
[Sam]: Adrenaline rush.
[Sam]: She's pissed off with him because he just said to the bad guy with a gun to her head, shoot her, I don't give a shit.
[Evan]: Yeah.
[Sam]: She's pissed off with him.
[Sam]: And then he just says some line and boom, sex.
[Sam]: Absolutely out of nowhere.
[Sam]: On the side of a train track.
[Evan]: Yeah, multiple times.
[Evan]: Sometimes he doesn't even save a line.
[Evan]: It'll just like...
[Evan]: made the note of this later but sometimes the the dialogue for the plot of the movie just ends and they're like oh shit we don't know what to do here let's just make it all sexy all of a sudden and then they eye fuck him and then he'll make halfway through like their little flirt he'll do just the worst innuendo based on whatever trauma they've just gone through and then they fuck
[Evan]: And it happens when the train crashes, it happens when the plane crashes, which is about fucking 10 minutes after the train crashes, by the way.
[Evan]: Her bones are shattered and he's still fucking pounding his dust into her.
[Carl]: I think what you just said, Sam...
[Carl]: about him saying, I'll just kill her, I don't care.
[Carl]: And there's another scene where she asks him, did you care?
[Carl]: And he goes, no.
[Carl]: And then makes a joke of it.
[Evan]: And he means that.
[Carl]: Yeah, I think it would be better, a better character if he did mean that.
[Carl]: I think he does mean that, but if...
[Carl]: They showed that he, because I think he's a fucking psychopath because you've got to be to do what he does.
[Carl]: He's adrenaline obsessed, shagging obsessed, just kills anyone.
[Carl]: At the start of this scene, they're walking through that dam and he is just slotting scientists who aren't armed.
[Carl]: They're just doing their job, but he doesn't care.
[Carl]: He's just banging them in the back of the head.
[Carl]: And I just think this guy is the guy who wouldn't give a fuck if she dies.
[Carl]: I'll find another one.
[Carl]: And I think if they leaned into that more, he'd be more interesting.
[Evan]: I couldn't agree more.
[Sam]: Okay, so I'm saying this because you two have said that you're not big James Bond fans, you know.
[Sam]: The backstory of James Bond is fleshed out a lot more with the Daniel Craig films.
[Sam]: And without, you know, going into too much detail, his persona of not giving a shit about women, treating them like objects, fucking them and not really caring if they die or not, that's all explained, that's contextualised.
[Sam]: So it would make perfect sense for him to not give a shit if she dies, if any of these women die.
[Sam]: Because basically he's compartmentalised women into this thing of being like, they're only going to die, aren't they?
[Sam]: I might as well shag them while they're alive.
[Evan]: They're only going to die anyway.
[Carl]: Everything for him just seems like a gradual... Just a high.
[Carl]: A high that you can get and then it's over and he wants the next thing.
[Carl]: It doesn't make sense that he gives a shit about her.
[Carl]: That he keeps her out for a bit and then moves on to the next one.
[Evan]: Yeah, no, but he doesn't.
[Evan]: I don't even think the...
[Evan]: I know the movie kind of implies it, but, you know, look at the next movie Pierce Brosnan is in.
[Evan]: This woman isn't in it, is she?
[Evan]: This Russian.
[Evan]: Not a chance.
[Evan]: She just disappears.
[Evan]: So we assume he's done with her.
[Evan]: It's on to the next femme fatale.
[Evan]: Yeah, but make that more obvious.
[Carl]: Don't add in the random romantic bits of, or make out like he's relatable.
[Carl]: He shouldn't be.
[Carl]: He's a fucking nut.
[Carl]: Nobody can do all the things he does if they're not absolutely fucking mental.
[Evan]: This man doesn't even feel dread.
[Sam]: He is also, I mean, seemingly completely incompetent.
[Sam]: Granted, he can aim a gun well, but everything else is just luck, right?
[Sam]: Him hopping into a plane that's about to hit the ground and just magically fixing itself is pure luck.
[Carl]: That's what I was saying about the start is that I would have preferred if that one mission hadn't felt like luck.
[Carl]: So at least you could go, oh, he's mostly competent.
[Carl]: And occasionally he has to think on his feet, but we never see him think on his feet.
[Carl]: Every mission throughout this movie is just luck every time.
[Evan]: And it feels like the movie kind of tries to set that up because you remember Sean Bean at the beginning says, 50% of everything is luck.
[Evan]: And then James says, what's the other 50%?
[Evan]: And he says, it's fate.
[Evan]: So it's like the movie is saying, you know, James Bond is getting away with this because, you know, you have to be lucky in these situations.
[Evan]: But I think the better way to have done that would have been to be, Sean Bean was wrong.
[Evan]: It's not 50% luck.
[Evan]: James Bond actually knows what he's doing and he's planned all this meticulously.
[Evan]: But they do not do that.
[Evan]: James Bond...
[Evan]: He starts a plan.
[Evan]: He does this at the movie.
[Evan]: The best example is he reaches the base at the end and he sets that bomb on the pillar and then he surrounds it and he's like, okay, new plan.
[Evan]: I'll surrender.
[Evan]: And then...
[Evan]: There's no end to that plan.
[Evan]: He doesn't know what he's going to do.
[Evan]: He literally has to wait for someone else to maybe do something he has no idea about in order to do something else.
[Evan]: And it's all then hinged on that guy having the explosive pen somehow.
[Evan]: And he's like, okay, there's my chance.
[Evan]: Thank you, lady luck.
[Evan]: Bang, in the elevator.
[Sam]: Yeah, it's true.
[Sam]: James Bond has an excellent plan of how to get into a building.
[Evan]: And then beyond there... Are you sick of that?
[Sam]: His plan reads all of these detailed ways of getting to the building.
[Sam]: And then at the end, fucking wing it.
[Sam]: I don't know.
[Evan]: He's run out of A4 and he doesn't know there's another side to the page.
[Evan]: So he's just like, I guess that's the rest of the plan.
[Sam]: He gets distracted.
[Sam]: He's never turned it over.
[Sam]: A woman drives past and he forgets what he's doing.
[Evan]: I love that he's in the car, writing on an A4 piece of paper, swerving through the countryside.
[Evan]: Is he doing a little bullet point list?
[Evan]: Yeah, cut open window with watch.
[Evan]: I've only just gotten in, what do I... Oh, what a fucking dog.
[Evan]: What a dog of a bloke, eh?
[Evan]: We should talk a little bit about the bad guys they set up, who are obviously Russian at the start of this movie.
[Evan]: And this is where... Am I going to try and find a name?
[Evan]: Does it matter?
[Evan]: Simonova.
[Evan]: That's the girl that James is kind of in love with in this movie, but she's originally on the Russian side.
[Evan]: She is a programmer or some bullshit for some satellite, as per this period of movies.
[Evan]: And we also have... Is it Alan...
[Evan]: Alan Cumming.
[Evan]: Alan Cumming, who plays this sort of eccentric Russian, even better programmer.
[Evan]: And this is from that amazing period of TV and movies where nobody has any idea what hacking is.
[Evan]: And in this movie, hacking is a text-based choose-your-own-adventure game.
[Evan]: where the computer will kind of know what you want to do and it will prompt you to put in certain key phrases and then you put them in and it does a little image that sort of does a little giphy move for you and then you're in, baby.
[Evan]: You're always in, aren't they?
[Sam]: Green text, black background, beautiful.
[Evan]: Yeah.
[Carl]: If James Bond were a woman, Alan Cumming would definitely be the name of a Bond.
[Carl]: Not interested.
[Carl]: Absolutely.
[Sam]: That's good His his character was what I feel like every boomer thinks is anonymous like the hacking group and I
[Evan]: The little word games he has, this is one from the end.
[Evan]: I'm going to have to scroll down to find the notes because it's... You sit on it, but you don't take it with you.
[Evan]: Absolutely.
[Evan]: So that's the password on the train that will allow them to stop the big MacGuffin of the movie going off.
[Evan]: Yeah, this is everything.
[Evan]: And not only does he set a password, he gives a hint that he describes as like...
[Evan]: They describe as like a word game you've got to think about.
[Evan]: What you sit on...
[Evan]: but I don't take it with me.
[Evan]: There is nothing that can be other than a chair.
[Evan]: And not only is chair not a good password, let's start with that, giving a hint to your password is not great best practice either.
[Evan]: And also, that's not a fucking word game.
[Evan]: You've asked a question and I've answered the question.
[Evan]: There is no other answer to that.
[Sam]: It's not a riddle, is it?
[Sam]: And the worst part about that riddle is that this dippy bitch is trying to figure out every single synonym for arse.
[Sam]: Do you not think that you take it with you?
[Carl]: Do you not take your arse with you?
[Sam]: That's the only thing you sit on you do take with you.
[Sam]: That's the only thing that you do take with you.
[Carl]: This whole hint for password thing is the thing that bugs me throughout this movie, is that, yeah, he feels the need to give them a hand when they're trying to kill them.
[Carl]: And earlier on, they're in a graveyard, and they're in a graveyard, and Sean Bean has effectively won.
[Carl]: We're about just over an hour in, and Sean Bean has captured James Bond, because James Bond's plan was get to graveyard, wing it.
[Carl]: And so they knock him out and instead of being like, oh, cool, we've got James Bond, I guess we should kill him now.
[Carl]: They put him in a helicopter until he wakes up and give him enough time to try to figure out how to get out of the helicopter.
[Evan]: Not only do they put him in one that they intend on blowing up, it's a working helicopter.
[Evan]: Nobody cuts a wire.
[Evan]: Nobody disables the ejector seat.
[Evan]: Nobody ties him up inside the helicopter.
[Sam]: And how are they going to blow the helicopter up?
[Sam]: Doesn't it blow itself up?
[Sam]: It was a while ago since I saw this.
[Sam]: It fires two missiles with the target of itself, which really there should be a failsafe for that in the helicopter.
[Sam]: But there isn't.
[Sam]: So it fires the missiles.
[Sam]: The missiles do a little loop-dee in the air in front and turn back and try to blow up the helicopter.
[Sam]: But luckily he smashes his head three times against the ejector seat button and they just fire off up.
[Sam]: Which...
[Evan]: There's three buttons.
[Evan]: Them, me, and eject.
[Sam]: And then, within five seconds of landing, ten police cars show up.
[Sam]: So they were waiting.
[Sam]: They were stood there at the side, like, no, no, let's not rush in.
[Sam]: Let's see what happens here.
[Evan]: Let's see what he does.
[Sam]: No, no, they are rushing.
[Evan]: Oh, beautiful.
[Evan]: Absolutely beautiful.
[Evan]: How long has he been waiting for that?
[Evan]: 99 episodes we should probably touch on why this movie was called GoldenEye because I was interested in that we should probably touch on the plot of the film yeah I already did all that didn't I really clearly and succinctly
[Evan]: and of course of course golden eye is a fucking gem that is exactly what i expected from this movie when we came into it i thought it might be a guy with an actual golden eye or something like that but i know it's i know this movie's it's going to be either some big laser or a satellite and but it's definitely going to be powered by a gem of no law at all provided on the gem
[Evan]: Like, all we know is what it does, which is create a big EMP blast.
[Evan]: But for all I fucking know, the gem is magic.
[Evan]: The gem doesn't do that.
[Evan]: Because they just pop it in a computer.
[Carl]: Does it not?
[Carl]: The satellite that's already in space does that.
[Carl]: The gem activates them.
[Carl]: Then what's the gem for?
[Carl]: I don't know.
[Sam]: Okay, so the activation code.
[Sam]: The activation sequence for this.
[Sam]: Yeah, so it's a satellite-based EMP.
[Carl]: Is it a gem?
[Sam]: It's like the...
[Sam]: It's like a little box thing, isn't it?
[Sam]: That's locked in a wall safe.
[Evan]: It's a gem in a box.
[Evan]: I'm not dropping the gem thing, boys.
[Evan]: I watched this movie an hour ago.
[Evan]: It's a fucking gem in a box.
[Evan]: Okay, my issue with this.
[Sam]: Yes.
[Sam]: So there's a sequence of things that needs to be done in order to activate.
[Sam]: Call it a gem, Sam.
[Sam]: It's a gem.
[Sam]: And there are two keys, right?
[Sam]: So standard kind of, this is established.
[Sam]: If you've got a missile system, you have two keys so that it's kind of two people have to do it.
[Sam]: Except the keyholes for these keys are about a meter apart in the same console.
[Sam]: So one person, you've got two hands, two keys, just...
[Evan]: They were also stored in the vault together, which is really handy, isn't it?
[Evan]: So one guy can just come in as he does, grab both keys, put them both into the sides.
[Evan]: But that's where the gem comes in, because then you need a third hand for the gem in a box.
[Evan]: And that's why they put the gem in a box, so you couldn't put it in your mouth.
[Evan]: It all makes sense now.
[Sam]: Okay, but another thing I wanted to mention.
[Sam]: So yeah, the big weapon in this, the satellite-based weapon, is an EMP.
[Sam]: And because this is the 90s, we have to have a long, drawn-out explanation of the history of EMPs, the etymology of EMP.
[Sam]: James Bond and Gaia MI6 just kind of monologue at each other for about five minutes in headquarters.
[Evan]: We all know what an EMP is.
[Sam]: I mean, to be fair, we're watching in 2024.
[Evan]: Sure, but even... Like, as a kid, I knew what an EMP was.
[Sam]: Maybe thanks to this film.
[Sam]: I don't know.
[Sam]: Maybe this was the first one to do it.
[Evan]: No, I feel like we've done this bit before.
[Evan]: I'm positive we've done the why are they explaining EMPs bit to me before.
[Evan]: But I feel like...
[Evan]: That memory's been EMP'd because I do not remember.
[Evan]: But we are 99 in, so I'm not warranted to.
[Evan]: I love that scene also because the guy who's... After they do the whole what is an EMP... No, it's before they do the whole what is an EMP thing because James Monster today, he's in his briefing.
[Evan]: He's just flirted with Moneypenny.
[Evan]: Obviously, he's late to it.
[Evan]: This guy in the briefing is explaining...
[Evan]: what they think might be going on at this base.
[Evan]: So this is where that woman works.
[Evan]: I'm not gonna go find her name again, cut and paste from earlier.
[Evan]: And the briefing guy goes,
[Evan]: I'm paraphrasing here.
[Evan]: Well, we originally thought that they might be doing the exact plot of this movie and we think it's called Goldeneye, but we actually don't think they're doing it anymore because they can't have the money to do that.
[Evan]: All the things we thought they were doing, like the gem and the satellite and stuff, they can't afford that.
[Evan]: And then we cut to the next scene.
[Evan]: The next scene, literally, is they are doing exactly that.
[Evan]: The Russians, or whoever these people are, they've got the gem, they've got the satellites, they're doing exactly what that guy described.
[Evan]: So I don't know why the movie faked us out.
[Evan]: Narratively, how does it make sense for a guy to go, yeah, we thought they might be doing it there, but we don't think that anymore, and then switch directly to, oh, they are doing that.
[Carl]: You've got to account for the thickest audience member who is sat there going, what's happening?
[Carl]: What's in the box?
[Carl]: And they've got two keys.
[Carl]: So you have to put one guy in the movie who goes, well, they couldn't possibly be doing the movie plot.
[Evan]: Maybe someone wrote that and thought, what a good twist.
[Evan]: What a fucking good twist.
[Evan]: And I just said they weren't doing it and they are doing that.
[Evan]: Yeah, fair enough.
[Evan]: Oh, I do want to pay some homage to Judi Dench in this.
[Evan]: By the time we got into this scene, I was starting, even after those five minutes, everything between the first five minutes and now I was like...
[Evan]: Oh, fucking hell, Sam, you son of a bitch.
[Evan]: What is this I'm watching?
[Evan]: And then the Julie Denison, where she takes him into the office.
[Evan]: And it's very much for like the audience who've liked James Bond so far.
[Evan]: And they're like, I don't like there's a female M. Why is there a female M?
[Evan]: And she's like, you know, she's putting her foot down here.
[Evan]: And the way she says she delivers the monologue about having no compunction over sending Bond to his death.
[Evan]: Oh man, that raised the bar of this movie again for me.
[Evan]: I can see why she's been a staple of this franchise for so long.
[Evan]: That was sick.
[Sam]: She was so out of place in that, that scene was so out of place because amongst there's so much silly bullshit.
[Sam]: Of gems and keys.
[Evan]: Not a serious movie.
[Sam]: All of that.
[Sam]: Suddenly, out of nowhere, Judi Dench is there.
[Evan]: It is odd because you've got this character of James Bond, who is this silly sort of playful man, sat in a room with a woman who is far more serious than him.
[Evan]: And she's like, yeah, I'll let you die if there's a good reason to let you die.
[Evan]: And the people who wrote this, I don't even knew what to give James to say here because he just sits in silence.
[Evan]: He's like, that is so good.
[Evan]: there's nothing else James could do other than drink his...
[Evan]: He literally downs his drink and leaves.
[Evan]: It's like, wow, that's it, isn't it?
[Carl]: This scene finally made the movie make more sense to me.
[Carl]: Because she tells him, like, you're an anachronism.
[Carl]: You're old school.
[Carl]: You don't belong anymore.
[Carl]: And I sort of feel like that's what he is.
[Carl]: Because we see the first scene, and it's 1986.
[Carl]: We're in the Cold War, pre-the Soviet Union.
[Carl]: And the job is simple.
[Carl]: I fight for Britain, I fight against the Russians, and I just do things to make life worse for the Russians.
[Carl]: Because the rest of this movie, once it jumps forward post-fall of the Soviet Union, I don't think he understands what the fuck is going on, really.
[Carl]: Because he never quite clicks with the fact that...
[Carl]: The bad guys are sort of Russian, but they're fighting both Russians and the British.
[Carl]: And he never quite seems to know how he's supposed to handle that.
[Carl]: And his tactics are always the same of he just walks into a room and shoots everyone anyway.
[Carl]: He just sees whoever is Russian and shoots them anyway, whether they're actually with the bad guys or not.
[Carl]: I thought it was quite interesting.
[Carl]: I felt like the movie was saying James Bond shouldn't be around anymore.
[Carl]: He's not needed.
[Sam]: Let's not give it too much credit because then he goes into a sauna and has a weird sex fight on a top.
[Evan]: And that brings me to my section on Honor Top.
[Evan]: Perfectly.
[Evan]: Okay, boys, we're going to do a bit of role play here.
[Evan]: So I'm going to ask each of you to say a line and I'll follow up.
[Evan]: And it's basically just going to be a nice summary of how they got here.
[Carl]: So I want you to say... You're starting role play, but I have to start the role play.
[Carl]: You're going to ask me to say a line.
[Evan]: It's as confusing as the movie is.
[Carl]: You're going to say...
[Carl]: we can't write a James Bond movie.
[Carl]: We don't know anything about fucking hell, screenwriting.
[Sam]: And Sam, you say, if only we could come up with a new character, that would really get the ball rolling.
[Sam]: The last word's hard, isn't it?
[Evan]: Then I say, what about a woman who's horny for murder?
[Evan]: And that's exactly how the character of Xenia Onatop was written.
[Carl]: With the stumbling over the words as well.
[Evan]: I'm going to edit all that.
[Evan]: My plan was to edit that all together, but my plan was also for you to save a line.
[Evan]: So maybe I'll just leave it as it is now.
[Carl]: You're expecting too much.
[Carl]: someone half described what a femme fatale is to a writer and they went oh so she gets people between her thighs and murders them does she no no okay yeah gets between thighs and murders them understood it's just it's ridiculous to the point the one writer who did m's speech is like no no no no please
[Sam]: Right, now it's all woman who's horny for murder.
[Sam]: We need a strong female character.
[Carl]: She uses her sexuality to overpower... Yeah, okay.
[Carl]: The most literal bloke.
[Carl]: That does bring me to a game, though, boys.
[Carl]: It's a very quick game.
[Carl]: But I figured I would throw a bunch of Bond girl names at you.
[Carl]: And you see if you can figure out which one isn't a Bond girl.
[Carl]: Okay, so there is Pussy Galore.
[Carl]: Chew Me, Kissy Suzuki, Plenty O'Toole, Busty LaRue, Octopussy, May Day, and Holly Goodhead.
[Evan]: Okay.
[Evan]: We do those one at a time.
[Evan]: So that first one, Pussy Galore.
[Sam]: Pussy Galore.
[Sam]: It's real because I always forget whether it's from Austin Powers or James Bond.
[Evan]: I feel like that with all of these.
[Evan]: So I'm already on a bad foot.
[Evan]: They all sound like Austin Powers ones.
[Sam]: Do you want me to keep going?
[Sam]: Chew me.
[Sam]: Oh, sorry.
[Sam]: Chew me.
[Sam]: Chew me.
[Sam]: That sounds real to me.
[Evan]: No.
[Evan]: That's fuck me and fuck you.
[Evan]: Yeah, you're right.
[Evan]: Chew me.
[Evan]: That must be real then.
[Evan]: Yeah.
[Sam]: Kissy Suzuki.
[Evan]: kissy suzuki sounds that's so low from the scary movie where the grudge is just saying japanese car makes up we can come back to it if you want so you're saying that okay so right now that's the one you think isn't real
[Sam]: No, no.
[Sam]: You can change your answer.
[Sam]: You said Busty LaRue, and that, there's no chance.
[Evan]: No, that's a drag queen, isn't it?
[Sam]: Plenty O'Toole.
[Sam]: I don't know.
[Sam]: Plenty O'Toole sounds, it's insane, but fuck, I don't know.
[Sam]: O'Toole, like an Irish name.
[Sam]: Plenty O'Toole.
[Sam]: Could be real.
[Evan]: That does make it seem more real.
[Evan]: Are these all real?
[Evan]: They're all real, aren't they?
[Evan]: Octopussy.
[Evan]: Busty LaRue, I think, is the fake one.
[Evan]: Octopus is real.
[Sam]: Mayday's real.
[Sam]: Holly Goodhead.
[Sam]: No, because Holly Goodhead, you wouldn't make that up because that's too stupid.
[Sam]: Busty LaRue, I'm sticking with it.
[Sam]: Okay, I'm going Holly Goodhead.
[Sam]: It's boring.
[Sam]: Well, sounds right.
[Sam]: I don't know what that's from, but it's from something else.
[Sam]: I have no idea.
[Sam]: It just popped into my head.
[Evan]: So I think the next scene up is Sean Bean's famous entrance into what the film expects you to believe is a graveyard.
[Evan]: If you take any second to look around, that scene is absolutely not a graveyard.
[Evan]: It's just big heads.
[Evan]: Halloween decorations over a field there is a kind of tune and this is the reveal that Sean Bean is still alive this is like the moment for James Bond to be like oh shit my fucking probably his only actual friend is not only betraying him but the villain of this movie he's about to kill a bunch of people
[Evan]: And they could not have biffed his entrance more.
[Evan]: There are like loads of props around him.
[Evan]: So he has to walk forward and then for a minute turn sideways to sort of shuffle past a bunch of props.
[Evan]: And it takes him a good 20 seconds to get out of there.
[Evan]: I do not know why they didn't use any other take, but it seems like maybe everything in that scene was too expensive to hire for more than 30 minutes, because that's the one they used, and it is not good.
[Evan]: It just ruins the flow of this movie completely.
[Carl]: The other shot, he did it all in his Yorkshire accent, and they decided to go again.
[Evan]: Yeah, but massive.
[Evan]: Insane set.
[Evan]: Insane.
[Evan]: I don't know what it was meant.
[Evan]: They do not explain it in the movie, why they're in this weird sort of carnival set piece.
[Sam]: Yeah.
[Evan]: But it alludes to being a cemetery.
[Evan]: I don't know why they would even be in a cemetery.
[Evan]: It doesn't make sense for the movie.
[Evan]: I don't know where they are.
[Sam]: It's like it looks a bit Soviet, doesn't it?
[Sam]: Maybe?
[Sam]: No.
[Evan]: grey it's got a lot of big heads everything looks really expensive to run there's like neon lights around everything no way they're spending money on all that
[Evan]: But yeah, now the second half of the movie kicks off.
[Evan]: We're in about the second hour now.
[Evan]: Sean Bean's the bad guy.
[Sam]: Well, something that we skipped past earlier was the scene with Q, the obligatory scene with Q showing off all of MI6 or MI5 or whatever he's in.
[Sam]: All of their latest gadgets.
[Sam]: And since we've mentioned it, that leads me on to my little game.
[Sam]: For the two of you.
[Sam]: Because I made a note of some of the gadgets that popped up in this film.
[Evan]: I would like to say something about one of the gadgets after this game.
[Sam]: Well, I'm worried that you've paid too much attention and this isn't going to work very well.
[Sam]: But basically the game is, I'm going to say a mundane item and you guess the gadget which is hidden within that item.
[Sam]: All right?
[Evan]: I know exactly what you're going to say.
[Sam]: Oh no, I've got a few of them.
[Sam]: I've got a few of these.
[Sam]: We're starting off easy.
[Carl]: First off, his belt.
[Carl]: James' belt.
[Carl]: First off, I'd like to point out this is unfair because I haven't watched this movie today.
[Evan]: Carl watched it almost three months ago.
[Sam]: Well, the scores don't mean anything, so work together.
[Sam]: That's true.
[Evan]: We're all going to hell either way.
[Carl]: Also, Evan invented the game, so this isn't fair.
[Carl]: Carl's experiencing a lot of dread.
[Evan]: Hang on, I invented dreadlocks.
[Evan]: That's all I feel.
[Sam]: I want to say something about grappling hook.
[Evan]: Yeah, grappling hook.
[Sam]: Okay, yeah, that's one point.
[Sam]: You got it.
[Sam]: Well done, grappling hook.
[Sam]: There you go.
[Evan]: That's getting you into the game.
[Sam]: Next one.
[Sam]: A phone box, like a classic red telephone box.
[Carl]: I want to say some sort of grappling hook.
[Evan]: For some reason, there is an airbag in there.
[Evan]: I don't know what it's for.
[Evan]: But it just explodes on the guy.
[Sam]: You go into the red phone box, you pick up the phone, and it's an airbag for some reason.
[Evan]: And it just breaks every bone in your body.
[Evan]: I don't know how that's... Maybe you're supposed to convince the bad guy to make a call.
[Carl]: I thought my answer was stupid.
[Evan]: Yeah.
[Sam]: Yeah, no, well done.
[Sam]: Two points for Ev.
[Sam]: Hang on.
[Evan]: Well done, like I didn't just finish this movie.
[Sam]: Two points to both of you, whatever.
[Sam]: The third one, this is a combined one.
[Sam]: It's a combined gadget between a pair of binoculars and a car.
[Evan]: Oh.
[Evan]: Is it...
[Evan]: I only remember the missiles in the car and the headlights.
[Evan]: Are there missiles in binoculars?
[Evan]: That's insane if so.
[Evan]: Carl, it's not a grappling hook.
[Carl]: Is it some sort of climbing implement that you would fire?
[Sam]: No, I'll just tell you.
[Evan]: It's airbags again.
[Sam]: No, no.
[Sam]: The binoculars, you can zoom in with them.
[Sam]: You can take a photo and then that photo gets printed out in your car.
[Sam]: From a little printer in the CD tray or whatever.
[Evan]: Like a little fax machine.
[Evan]: That's fun.
[Sam]: Okay.
[Sam]: Number four.
[Sam]: A Subway sandwich.
[Evan]: That's just his lunch.
[Sam]: He's got it.
[Sam]: That is just his lunch.
[Sam]: That was a red herring.
[Sam]: You're doing well.
[Sam]: And the last one, I'm going to say this is the hardest one.
[Sam]: It's a kind of silver tea tray.
[Sam]: X-ray machine.
[Sam]: Oh, fucking hell.
[Sam]: He's got them all except for that one that he didn't get.
[Evan]: I betayed.
[Evan]: I betayed.
[Evan]: Paid particular attention to this scene because...
[Evan]: I want to mention that x-ray machine because in a room of what is unmitigated disasters, there's people being blown up all over the place.
[Evan]: That guy gets crushed in the phone box.
[Evan]: But regardless of all that, they don't draw much attention to that drinks tray, which is an x-ray document scanning device is how they describe it.
[Evan]: But the most dangerous thing in the room, gradually encouraging the growth of tumors anytime, any person...
[Evan]: puts a drink down no it's like a silver drink stay so any tray anytime someone puts down a mug as you would on a drinks tray you get a little dose of cancer my friend you're on a lightly irradiated radiation so where those doctors leave the room when they use the x-ray every day every day these guys come into the room pop a drink down without knowing we're just taking a year off your life god this water stings
[Sam]: isn't it i didn't order sparkling oh well well done you got something out of five there carl was also there um but anyway so going back to where we actually were uh there's a series of scenes here where basically the the russians uh arrest james and woman put him in a cell take him out the cell
[Sam]: And they have a little chase scene.
[Sam]: Nothing of too much note.
[Sam]: Until the general starts escaping with the woman.
[Sam]: I wish I had the names written down because this is not very clear.
[Sam]: He escapes in his car.
[Evan]: That's how James thinks of us.
[Evan]: James goes with the woman.
[Sam]: The baddie takes the woman and drives away.
[Sam]: And then James hops in a tank.
[Sam]: Because there's just one for... Well, here's the thing.
[Sam]: It is a room, but he chooses to spend his entire time with his head popped out the top like a dog.
[Evan]: You can't be able to drive a tank from there, right?
[Carl]: No, there's no way that there's a steering wheel just below there that he can turn.
[Carl]: That's definitely not how...
[Carl]: There's no secondary steering wheel where you pop your head out and can still turn.
[Sam]: No chance.
[Sam]: And also, even if there is one, there's no way that you're keeping your little head popped out while you're driving through buildings.
[Sam]: He crashes through about four different stone buildings, and as all the rubble collapses off the top of the tank, there is his little head with some dust in his hair.
[Carl]: This is my biggest issue with...
[Carl]: What I was talking about earlier with how it almost feels like the world's meant to have changed, but he hasn't changed his ways.
[Carl]: And that this whole thing sets up that so many games are being played that he hasn't realized.
[Carl]: And he still just approaches it the exact same way, which is kill everyone, destroy everything, get a tank.
[Carl]: Or just go in.
[Evan]: Yeah, just going in.
[Carl]: And I'll see what happens from there.
[Carl]: This is what I'm trying to figure out.
[Carl]: So what is his job?
[Carl]: What do you boys think James Bond is?
[Evan]: Well, it's not fucking secret agent, is it?
[Evan]: There's nothing secret about what he does.
[Evan]: He's not a fucking spy, is he?
[Evan]: Everybody knows who he is already.
[Evan]: Everybody who meets him is like, ah, James Bond, secret agent.
[Evan]: They even know how his fucking martinis are made, which feels like it's a joke played in the movie, but they never elaborate on it.
[Evan]: But no, he's not a spy.
[Evan]: He's not like gathering intelligence, is he?
[Evan]: He...
[Evan]: It's literally the joke we're making.
[Evan]: He is sent to enter a room and then either arrest someone, maybe, or what he's probably going to do is kill them.
[Evan]: You're sending him to...
[Evan]: He's an executioner.
[Carl]: I think his whole thing is, be loud, kill everyone, and everyone knows it was the British that did it, which...
[Carl]: probably made sense in 1986 because there's a point at the end of this where they catch him and he's got his fucking British passport in his pocket so he's not a spy is he he's not a secret agent
[Evan]: especially in contrast to films now where like say like you have ozark where this normal guy breaks the law and then he the first thing he does is get a new passport and it's this guy's job not to be fucking known i can't leave this in the hotel room what if i get id'd you have to you have to pay for a safe code i'm taking it with me
[Evan]: Can't afford the 80 quid to replace it.
[Evan]: Oh, that's so fucking funny.
[Evan]: What a fucking dog of a book.
[Evan]: Maybe we do do the rest of these.
[Evan]: What a fucking useless guy.
[Sam]: I assume every movie also ends with him queued up outside an embassy like, I left it again.
[Sam]: I left it in the base again.
[Sam]: I know I shouldn't take it with me.
[Evan]: Don't worry, we know who you are.
[Evan]: Everybody does.
[Evan]: Just walk through the airport.
[Evan]: Yeah.
[Evan]: Oh, James.
[Evan]: I just want to mention one thing, sorry to interrupt you, because it comes right off that scene where he is loudly crushing through buildings and making himself known.
[Evan]: So at this point, Oromov, who is the bad guy that we have not mentioned at all, well, one of the bad guys, he's the Russian that Sean Bean has...
[Evan]: taken into his plan.
[Evan]: And he's got that woman, whatever her fucking name is, as a hostage.
[Evan]: That's why James is chasing them in the tank.
[Evan]: He follows them to a building and then pulls up on this upper tier where he sort of comes over this sort of probably waist-high wall.
[Evan]: And the film acts like, you know, he's kind of sneaking over this wall to watch where they're going into the building.
[Evan]: And then the camera pulls away a little bit more and he's in a fucking tank, which sits easily...
[Evan]: five foot fucking higher than where the war even ends and how the film expects you to believe they cannot see this man in the loudest fucking machine in the world above a waist high wall not 20 feet away from where these people are having a clandestine meeting is fucking mad he's idling it as well he hasn't even turned the engine off
[Evan]: You can't reach the fucking steering wheel, mate.
[Evan]: He's just letting it ride.
[Evan]: His little dusty head is sticking out the top.
[Evan]: Pieces of fucking Kremlin falling onto the road below.
[Evan]: It's so fucking funny.
[Evan]: And it feels intentional that they do a joke like that.
[Evan]: But again, they're not like making note of it.
[Evan]: It's just, oh, isn't he cool coming in on a tank?
[Evan]: No, he looks a tit.
[Carl]: Why isn't he hiding?
[Carl]: Throughout this movie, I couldn't figure out if it was supposed to be a comedy.
[Carl]: That point's ridiculous.
[Carl]: This feels so much closer to the Austin Powers movies than it does to modern day James Bond that we see.
[Carl]: Yeah.
[Carl]: Agree.
[Carl]: It's so ridiculous.
[Sam]: And, I mean, to top off all the ridiculousness, the...
[Sam]: Oromov?
[Sam]: Oromov?
[Sam]: Whatever it was.
[Sam]: Oromov, yeah.
[Sam]: Oromov.
[Sam]: Escapes in a train, like a freight train.
[Sam]: Of course he does.
[Sam]: Beast of a thing.
[Sam]: Blazing down the track in one direction.
[Sam]: To Cuba.
[Sam]: To Cuba.
[Sam]: The direct train from Moscow to Cuba.
[Sam]: From Moscow to Cuba.
[Sam]: He's going full speed.
[Sam]: And somehow James, in the same tank, manages to get ahead of him and block a tunnel.
[Sam]: How fast is that tank going?
[Carl]: When you go as the crow flies, you can get places quickly.
[Evan]: And the tank is always driving because you don't know how to turn it off.
[Evan]: You're getting there quicker, baby.
[Evan]: Yeah, I don't know if I just lost concentration at this point or if the movie had just stopped bothering, but they were on a train.
[Evan]: All of a sudden, they're not in Russia anymore.
[Evan]: James and this woman are meeting some American CIA agent somewhere, and they're getting a plane into Cuba.
[Sam]: Oh, yeah.
[Evan]: That's where the real mission is starting.
[Evan]: That's where Sean Bean has set up his HQ.
[Evan]: They've got a second satellite there.
[Evan]: This is where the ending of the movie kicks off.
[Sam]: Mm-hmm.
[Sam]: Well, and as we've said, he just wings it.
[Evan]: Well, he does wing it and they fuck.
[Evan]: Do they fuck first or after?
[Evan]: They fuck either before or after the plane crash.
[Evan]: I, at this point, was like uncomfortable with how much fucking it was in this movie.
[Carl]: They are fully aware.
[Carl]: that there is some sort of master plan going on where millions of people are going to potentially die because this guy's planning to EMP London.
[Carl]: And they do think we should probably fuck first, right?
[Carl]: Before we go sort this out.
[Evan]: That's all that's always on his mind is, yeah, I'm going to kill people tomorrow, but what am I going to do now?
[Evan]: And that thought is always, I've got to fuck.
[Evan]: I assume it's more, you might not survive tomorrow, so I should probably, you know.
[Evan]: Yeah, that's maybe more accurate.
[Evan]: Yeah.
[Evan]: You're not James Bond.
[Evan]: You're probably going to die.
[Evan]: I'm going to be fine.
[Evan]: I don't have a plan.
[Evan]: Actually, yeah, I make note of that.
[Evan]: Somehow, so they crash the plane.
[Evan]: I can't remember what happens in the plane.
[Evan]: It doesn't matter.
[Evan]: But the plane crashes and she doesn't die.
[Evan]: And I did think, surely everybody comes out of these as a character.
[Evan]: You come out of a James Bond movie thinking you're invincible just because you're next to Mr.
[Evan]: Plot Armour the entire time.
[Sam]: Incidentally, I think it would be like, so the way that the plane goes down is they've got the location for this satellite, but it's just the lake.
[Sam]: So they fly over the lake.
[Sam]: Nothing happens.
[Sam]: They turn back and fly over again, see if maybe they missed something.
[Sam]: Still nothing there.
[Sam]: And then plop, missile flies out of the water, hits the wing of the plane.
[Sam]: Wing explodes.
[Sam]: They go down, crash into the land, other wings off because they're crashing through trees.
[Sam]: And miraculously, it doesn't just completely explode and both of them somehow survive.
[Carl]: So yeah, they crash and Onatop descends from a random helicopter and once again starts doing the thigh crushing.
[Carl]: And then... Oh, hello.
[Carl]: She gets...
[Carl]: Then she gets pulled up against the tree by the helicopter, and I was convinced she was about to just get turned to mush.
[Carl]: Sliced in half, yeah.
[Carl]: She's got a full-weight helicopter pulling her against the tree, and she just kind of...
[Carl]: It just dies.
[Carl]: It was really disappointing after everything.
[Carl]: I thought she'd finally be crushed after she tries to crush everyone.
[Carl]: I thought that was going to be it.
[Evan]: I thought...
[Evan]: she'd have had so much power in her thighs by now, she would just push it away and be like... Captain America style.
[Evan]: Yeah.
[Evan]: I don't know how much you two have on the rest of this now, because it's all very much...
[Evan]: James gets in there.
[Evan]: There's a bit of dialogue.
[Carl]: What bugged me about the ending?
[Carl]: What do you think Sean Bean's plan was?
[Evan]: Honestly, the cunt hasn't helped himself.
[Evan]: I try not to say that the entire time, but he could have killed James at 50 points in this movie before this point.
[Evan]: But that end fight scene of them both on the satellite, why didn't he close the hatch when he was on the ladder?
[Evan]: He's going to drop at some point.
[Evan]: He's only so strong.
[Evan]: Instead, he climbs down there.
[Evan]: He kicks his hand.
[Evan]: James catches it.
[Evan]: Fine.
[Evan]: But then why not just go back up?
[Evan]: He keeps dropping down, dropping down, dropping down.
[Evan]: And then James isn't even like...
[Evan]: Doesn't even kill Sean of his own accord.
[Evan]: Sean is distracted by the helicopter coming over, looks around for a second, and then James has his chance.
[Evan]: Nothing is...
[Evan]: this movie does not end because james was doing anything it just it's what we've been saying all along it just worked out for him and then he was like i guess i'll kick him now and that kills sean but only because sean was all of a sudden an idiot sorry no my notes throughout that entire scene were you've won stop following him you've won yes exactly please one he's gonna have to let go at some point
[Carl]: We're told that his plan is that he's going to use the last goldeneye to EMP London, which will destroy...
[Carl]: Which is a gem.
[Carl]: Yeah, with the gem.
[Carl]: And the keys.
[Carl]: No, there are no keys at the end.
[Evan]: And the keys, yeah.
[Evan]: No, they just needed the gem in the end.
[Evan]: Turns out the keys weren't... Oh, there were keys.
[Sam]: There are keys in the gem.
[Sam]: And two people turn them.
[Evan]: But at arm level.
[Evan]: Two people have to get shoulder to shoulder in order to turn them, yeah.
[Carl]: But he's going to EMP London in order to destroy the financial sector of London.
[Evan]: But only the data on the London side.
[Carl]: The data is also on every other country's side that has collected the same data.
[Carl]: But yeah.
[Carl]: but he's also gonna steal all the money but transfer all the money to himself even if his plan worked out he'd then have hundreds of millions of dollars that was worth nothing because he's destroyed the worldwide financial sector well he'd have pounds which is even worse because he's destroyed all the banks in london yeah
[Sam]: I'm going to transfer all the money to myself, then crash the economy.
[Sam]: Sorry, your two trillion dollars is now worth two pounds.
[Sam]: It's like, the funniest part is, there's not even any question about how he transfers all of the money to himself.
[Sam]: It's like, oh, we can do that.
[Sam]: Yeah, we can transfer all the money from the Bank of England to ourselves.
[Sam]: Easy.
[Sam]: It's just we need to then EMP the country for some reason.
[Evan]: And it's even funnier that his bank account is probably in England, so even after it's transferred...
[Evan]: Bang, gone.
[Evan]: Oh, shit.
[Evan]: I've just knocked out my own bank.
[Evan]: What do you mean, Barclays is down?
[Carl]: That also means he managed to employ an entire army of goons and went, you're all going to help me make all money worthless.
[Evan]: And what are you paying me with?
[Evan]: None of you have bank accounts in London, do you?
[Evan]: Yes, all of our banks are in London.
[Evan]: There is one last thing I had a note on, which was when they're running around the satellite, Sean and James, just having a good old shot at each other, there is a good minute sequence where both of them are shooting each other from about 20, 30 feet away.
[Evan]: either of them on a side of a chain link fence, and both of them being the best marksmen in the world, do not hit a single shot.
[Evan]: A chain link fence.
[Evan]: There is no uncertainty as to where they are, but not a single shot hits.
[Carl]: I am not a gun or rifle expert.
[Carl]: I reckon you can hit a chain link fence and a person with the same bullet.
[Evan]: With the same bullet, yeah.
[Evan]: I really was hoping you were going to say, I'm not a gun,
[Carl]: I am neither a gun nor rifle.
[Evan]: Wow, it's easy to say, isn't it?
[Evan]: You never know.
[Evan]: But if he had a plan, maybe.
[Evan]: What a fucking movie.
[Evan]: What a movie.
[Evan]: What a fucking ride this has been.
[Sam]: I've enjoyed talking about it more than I enjoyed watching it.
[Evan]: Yeah, oh, well, isn't that always the case?
[Evan]: Yeah.
[Evan]: Well, we don't have any bad reviews, so I think we can just get straight into the... We had two games and a roleplay, so that's all you need, isn't it?
[Evan]: We'll get straight to the end.
[Evan]: And since this was your choice, Sam, we'll bloody well start with you.
[Evan]: Sam!
[Evan]: Do you think that was good, do you?
[Sam]: I don't really have much of an excuse, do I?
[Sam]: Because I watched it in full before recommending it for the pod.
[Sam]: But now, somehow, on second watch, I've realised, God, that wasn't good, was it?
[Sam]: I was so taken in by how weird it was the first time I watched it that I didn't stop to think about whether it's actually good, which it isn't.
[Sam]: LAUGHTER
[Sam]: no one thing that it has made me realise and I never appreciated this because I watched a few James Bond films as a kid and I don't know I never really differentiated between what I was watching I didn't really get the plot it was just loud noises and colours um
[Sam]: Now I realise why people will tend to say that Piers Brosnan wasn't a great James Bond.
[Sam]: Because he lies in between the charisma of Sean Connery and Roger Moore.
[Sam]: He lacks that.
[Sam]: And then he also lacks the kind of depth of character and plotline that Daniel Craig has.
[Sam]: And he just has neither.
[Sam]: He's just got very nice hair.
[Evan]: Oh, beautiful hair.
[Evan]: Yeah, sorry we didn't mention that before, listeners.
[Sam]: And a sort of gormless expression a lot of the time.
[Sam]: So, no, no, it wasn't good.
[Sam]: And it was too porny.
[Evan]: Way too porny.
[Evan]: I want to add on that.
[Evan]: This was a note I tried to write, but couldn't quite get out at any point in the movie.
[Evan]: I'll add it here.
[Evan]: It feels like this was an entire porn movie you would watch, but as a male, you would never do that.
[Evan]: You would simply skip forward to the bit you needed to see...
[Evan]: get the job done, and turn the video off.
[Evan]: This was like watching a 40-minute porn video, which only the worst of us have ever done.
[Evan]: Like, the true depraved, bottom-of-the-barrel men watch... All women.
[Evan]: All women watch the entirety of a porn video.
[Evan]: That's insane behaviour.
[Evan]: You have things to do outside of 40 minutes of people fucking.
[Evan]: And this felt like that.
[Evan]: Every time a sex scene happened, it was...
[Evan]: Can I skip to the blowjob, please?
[Carl]: anyway that's it carl how did you feel about the movie i think going off what sam said where he watched it once and thought this would be good for the pod i think a lot of films are like that where absolutely good if you don't have to think about them i'm sure this is a really good film if you don't have to think about it but this pod makes you think about what you're watching and then it's
[Carl]: Oh, it's dire.
[Carl]: This is shit, isn't it?
[Carl]: It's like it doesn't know what it is.
[Carl]: Is it an action film?
[Carl]: Is it a comedy?
[Carl]: Is it cheesy and campy?
[Carl]: It's not then weirdly serious suddenly.
[Carl]: Just be a thing.
[Carl]: And I don't think we're carrying these on, but I would be interested to see if Austin Powers, which I think comes out a couple of years later, forces it to pick a lane where they have to...
[Carl]: be more serious because this ridiculous campy thing is now around.
[Evan]: I think that's a very, very good insight on what these are.
[Evan]: Because I've not seen the Sean Connery ones, but if people didn't like these Pierce Brosnan ones, maybe it's the film that is the reason they didn't like it.
[Evan]: Maybe it wasn't Pierce himself.
[Evan]: I don't think he's a bad actor.
[Evan]: I've seen him in Steph and thought, oh, yeah.
[Evan]: Nice.
[Evan]: He's a bit of a national treasure, isn't he?
[Evan]: You can see why he's liked.
[Evan]: But I think it's more of a fault of the writing of these movies that they've come out.
[Evan]: At the tail end of this, sorry, I've started my analysis now.
[Evan]: At the beginning of this episode, I did not want to do another James Bond.
[Evan]: Having just spent, let's check what our actual time is, an hour and a half talking about this fucking movie, I'm up for another.
[Evan]: Because I feel like this really only scratches the surface of what Pierce Brosnan was doing as James Bond.
[Evan]: I feel like maybe the next one, they'll pick one of the lanes, one of the many lanes that they were swerving across in this clusterfuck.
[Sam]: In this tank.
[Sam]: Yeah.
[Evan]: with barely one hand on the controls the stealthiest of vehicles passport open on the page of your face all the way around the city still still frantically writing an infiltration plan for the next next job
[Sam]: Covered in rubble.
[Evan]: Why is there never a back to a piece of paper?
[Evan]: We will do the special episode next time, but I think I'm more than up for watching the next one.
[Evan]: Chronologically, the next Piers Brosnan and James Bond.
[Evan]: But to get to whether or not I liked this, no.
[Evan]: This was a fucking clusterfuck of awful writing, not knowing what you're doing as James Bond, the most confusing femme fatale in On A Top.
[Evan]: I was...
[Evan]: Usually, I enjoy being scared by a lady, but I was not a fan of what she was doing.
[Evan]: Just, her character was literally, fuck, murdering people makes me so wet.
[Evan]: Which, in theory, Evan should like.
[Evan]: But if you can't nail that with me, you've done wrong.
[Evan]: No, I would not watch this again.
[Evan]: I can't wait to watch the next one.
[Evan]: So what a juxtaposition.
[Carl]: What I'd like to carry on is what I was saying earlier about him almost being a tool for a world that doesn't exist.
[Carl]: There's that running line where Sean Bean's character just keeps saying, for Britain, James, for Britain.
[Carl]: And then right at the end, he says it one more time and James Bond says, no, for me.
[Carl]: But in a Yorkshire accent.
[Carl]: Yeah, for Britain.
[Evan]: and then kills him and it's almost I did wonder if that's him realising that the world has changed and it's not just Britain against Russia anymore or if I'm just overthinking it I would love it to be that time for James Bond to change time to accept I can't save every woman and do whatever the fuck I like maybe I'll plan getting out of rooms that would be great to see
[Evan]: yeah that's also what interests me it did feel like kind of a hint at this is the end of the old era yeah here comes the next
[Evan]: Yeah.
[Evan]: Fucking hell, well done, Sam.
[Evan]: We all thought this was a shit pic when we watched the movie.
[Evan]: Should we go back and change our answers?
[Evan]: Oh God, I thought you were going to say watch it again.
[Evan]: I actually had a palpitation.
[Evan]: Is this dread?
[Evan]: Oh, fuck.
[Sam]: Superb callback.
[Evan]: Brilliant.
[Evan]: And that is the end of the episode, boys.
[Evan]: Thank you so much for joining me and thank you bloody all for listening.
[Evan]: Hey, I don't think at this point anybody who's listening isn't going to follow us on any of those socials, so fuck all of that.
[Evan]: Please just tune in next week for our 100th
[Evan]: episode we're doing something quite special i'm putting quite a lot of effort into it and i'm hoping it's gonna be a lot of fun a lot of callbacks in that as well so i cannot wait to see you in how exciting brilliant until then boys thank you so much and uh goodbye for england bye goodbye goodbye yes i knew it