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Life with Lucas is a Saturday-morning coffee podcast with Lucas, a Deaf demiboi figuring out young adulthood in real time. Recorded with their mom and siblings, these conversations wander through senior year, disability and access, gender, identity, and all the weird/funny/real moments of turning 18 and not quite grown. No experts, no script. Just one family who shows up for breakfast and talks about what life actually feels like.
Welcome to Life with Lucas
Speaker 2:Welcome to the System Speak podcast, a podcast about dissociative identity disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to longtime listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you.
Speaker 3:What were we talking about?
Speaker 1:I was talking about definitely brushing my teeth.
Speaker 3:I think
Speaker 1:there's more pasta left over there.
Speaker 3:There's cheese pizza. We could eat them. And muffins. Have fun. Oh my goodness, I'm sorry
Speaker 1:you got interrupted again. It's okay. Like, I'm getting braces soon, which I'm super excited about. Like, I was jealous when Cook was the first person to get braces because I was really hoping I would be the first person to get braces because I was like I'm the oldest. That makes me it was a long time ago that makes me the best.
Speaker 1:I'm mom's favorite. I was obsessed about being the favorite.
Speaker 3:That makes me talked about love is not pie.
Speaker 1:Yeah we talked about love
Speaker 3:is not pie. Wish it was because pie is awesome. We love pie, don't we? Yes.
Speaker 1:Apple pie, cheese on top, epic. Anyway before I get distracted by pie, let's continue. Like, I was obsessed like I had to do everything before anyone else could do it. I was the I got like to me, being first felt important because that's how I lived everything. Like, I got to experience everything first.
Speaker 1:And then, I realized because I have five younger siblings, I had to experience that five other times. And over time, it just kind of got what's the word? Repetitive? And then it made me feel like actually, everyone gets the same experience, just at a different age. I don't always have to be first.
Speaker 1:I don't always have to be the first one to try something before everyone else can. And then like that made me think, Oh, so am I the poison justice? Do I test the poison before everyone else? Like, I was I was like, Oh my gosh, I have to do what was this for everyone else. And so like, I started obsessively trying to do everything in front of anyone else so that like, I made sure it was safe.
Speaker 1:Because like, at the oldest, I felt I was like, had to keep everything in balance. Like even nowadays, I'm still trying to like boss everyone else around when mom's at work because I know mom has said several times that I'm not supposed to, but as the oldest, I feel it's my responsibility to, as Taylor Swift said, be the first lamb to the slaughter.
Speaker 3:Oof. I think that's why we talk about it so much though, because it's one thing to take your turn or to do your part and it's another thing to be responsible for what adults are supposed to be doing. I know you're almost an adult, but you didn't have to adopt this rowdy bunch of kids. And so when kids have to be the parents, it's called parentified, and it's too much of a burden. And you are super helpful, and you're super mature, and super ready to become your own adult.
Speaker 3:Yes. That you'll go through the whole process of that becoming your own family, whatever your family like, even if it's just friends as chosen family, right? And so like, I'm not saying what your family should look like. I just mean you build that yourself. You don't have to do that here.
Speaker 3:Life is gonna get hard enough for you fast enough in your own ways with your own adventures that you don't have, it is okay for them to be in distress for a few minutes while I finish a session or for them to occupy themselves or tend to learn how to not be bored or how to pick up after themselves. Like that is their development. And it goes back to kind of Al Anon where if we're rescuing them, You're gonna learn. We're actually interfering with their development. It's Trixie.
Speaker 3:The other thing you said though, I think is really common with, in therapy world, we talk about birth order, the oldest child, right? The eldest daughter. Go ahead. Is she available? She wasn't home?
Speaker 3:You told her she could come when she wants? Okay. Their family sleeps in really, really late, so she may not even, like, be awake and breakfast and moving yet. I'm sorry, love. So that first child thing, I think a lot of us have felt one thing one thing that we share in common, but in different stories, is having foster siblings or step siblings or these other things.
Speaker 3:And even with that context, they're still like your own story within your own story. And that thing of even amongst friends. Yeah. Of wanting to be the one who has the most attention or the one who is the favorite or the one who, that happens sometimes in classes, even with students or in And different it's not a competition. It goes back to that love is not pie thing.
Speaker 3:Yeah. And in fact, can actually interfere with the relationship because then it goes back to fawning instead of, and compliance instead of actually building relationships.
Speaker 1:Mhmm. Like for me at school, I just wanted to just straight out. I'm like the one who doesn't really want to work in like pairs or groups or work around people. Like I work with my teachers because it's easy for me to talk to them. I don't know what it is, but like adults are just the easiest for me to like hang out with.
Speaker 1:Maybe it's because I spent like a lot of time so much time with kids that I just withdraw. Like at school, kids are loud and kids are like, Let's go do TikTok or Let's do a silly dance or Let's go and I'm like, I don't think I want to do that. So even though I got boys and girls club when they're all going to film a TikTok like I remember when we were younger, we had more like contact with our family than my family decided they didn't want to have any contact with me which if like because I'm just gonna say this out straight. No, not to be racist, but because of that, my biological family does not want to really interact because they have had so many bad experiences with white people. I know my mom and dad.
Speaker 1:My mom is great. My dad is depressed, which is which sometimes makes our relationship hard because my dad and I are like the same person almost. Like my dad and I like writing. My dad and I like talking about weird anime stuff. What we're into.
Speaker 1:And so I'm worried. I'm gonna turn out exactly like my dad when I'm his age. Like I'll have to do the thing that I get scared because I don't want to end up exactly like my dad. Because like well yes, I love him. You mean papa?
Speaker 1:Yeah. Well yes, I love him. He like he has a master's in finance. So like my sister will take that to her advantage. She will be like, Hey, I want this.
Speaker 1:Can you get me this? Can you get me this? And he's also learning how to spend money for my dad because of my mom who is amazing at spending money and saving it too. Like, if I ask my mom, Hey, can I have this? She's like, Yes, but we need to work towards saving.
Speaker 1:And so when I went to go get my first phone from Cricket or Hill Cricket, I've almost got I almost got an iPhone for $155 as part of my plan. Then I was like, I'm not gonna do that. I'm gonna wait till I'm a senior and then see if I can switch that to get an iPhone. That doesn't mean I want an iPhone. It's just like something I'm considering because like I currently have an Android which I think are better because they don't shatter as much.
Speaker 1:The bigger my phone is six by seven. Six seven. I'm just gonna point that out. My phone is awesome. But on the other hand, like, do I really need my phone?
Speaker 1:What's the phone? They're way more expensive. The like, what's the point? Like, I don't need one. I'll just stick with Android so that when I do get upgrade, all I have to do is sync it all the way over to that new phone without having to start fresh.
Speaker 1:So that's what I'm gonna do. I don't care if you guys go get the iPhone 24. Like, I don't need a better camera. I love my camera. It is epic, by the way.
Speaker 3:Can I ask a question? Yeah. One of the things you mentioned is about turning 18 this summer. How are you feeling about turning 18 and then staying at home a longer a little longer to finish your senior year and transition to your college plan? I think that
Speaker 1:as of right now, for me, that is what's going to be good because it gives me more time to save up. Like, I'll be 19 and so for me, because I'm very good at spending money and coming home with almost nothing left And having mom help me budget is gonna be the best idea because like when mom needs to give me not give me I earn $20 a month to go to like a store because I wasn't like working a job. I didn't really care to a default how much money I spent because to me it just felt, Oh, mom's being nice. She's helping us. She's like because like we would do the dishes and extra chores and mom's like, Okay, here's your points.
Speaker 1:You have $20 worth of points. You can spend these. The chores default, I was like, Oh, I don't like no offense, but I feel like I'm just getting this. So I spent all of the money. But now that I'm actually working a job, I'm like, I have a phone to pay for.
Speaker 1:I have this and this and this to pay for. I need to save this. Also like, one day I'm gonna have my own apartment, so I need to save up for that. Or like, that plan I've been talking about for like six months consecutively wanting to go to New York. Like, I don't know what it is, but I've been obsessed with wanting to live in New York since we went for the first time when she was like three, I think?
Speaker 1:Yeah. Yeah. We went to New York. I saw Phantom of the Opera on Broadway. Epic.
Speaker 1:Unfortunately, we did not sit in the right place where we could touch the chandelier as it was coming down, but still epic. And it happened to be the last year Phantom of the Opera was ever on Broadway. Epic. We watched Lion King. We stayed in the best hotel.
Speaker 1:I think it was Grand Central. It was the best hotel I have ever stayed in in my entire life. Like, I'm not gonna lie. Going to New York. Epic.
Speaker 1:I so am stoked to live in New York. But like, that is something I have to save up for. Can't be like, Hey mom, I have this money. I have a plane ticket. Peace.
Speaker 1:I'm going. I'm back. Goodbye. I'm never coming back because like I can't afford to. I'm saving up so that hopefully I can make trips back and forth.
Speaker 1:Hopefully I can get a police officer job there because I know there is a lot of crime in New York. Upping the pay, hopefully. I'm hopefully planning to get a bachelor's degree so that I can get paid 4% extra. I already know a foreign language ASL which gets me paid 4% extra, which is nice because like There's a big Deaf community in New York. Yeah.
Speaker 1:And so like, I'm stoked and at the same time disappointed because currently I'm not making as much as I would like. So to me, I consider myself folk because currently I don't know
Speaker 3:how much money I have in my bank. What about other things where you really are so capable in so many ways and ready to start adulting in so many ways and yet still living with your family? How do you balance that of like functioning with us as roommates, especially you and me, like you don't need a parent the same way you needed a parent when you were little bitty. So we become more like roommates than
Speaker 1:I've started this thing where I consider my mom my friend. I tried to know my dad but he's like, I'm your father. Like, I'm your father figure. I can't be your friend in
Speaker 3:that way. I'm like, screw it. I think it shifts as you get older. So like, I will always be your mom. Yeah.
Speaker 3:Even, even, even if you get closer with your first mom, like, and, and I know she, I know that's a whole thing. We don't have to unpack that today, but like, it doesn't change that I care about you. Right? It like goes back to love is not pie. I'll always be your mom.
Speaker 3:Also we have a different relationship as you become adults. Yeah. Because it, it starts overlapping differently because it's, it's not the same as when you're little. I don't know how
Speaker 1:long ago it was he said that. Like one thing that I noticed more that when I was like just like literally last year, I could not go to like school dances. And this year, I've been trying to think like I'm trying them out and like part of that is me like discovering, hey maybe I kind of like purties or maybe this outfit is more comfortable for me on parties. Like, yesterday I was gonna figure out there was a dance. It was Friday the thirteenth and there was a dance, but it was free.
Speaker 1:And I was like, I really don't want to go to a dance unless it's paid for because usually if it's free, there's not gonna be a good DJ. There's not gonna be a good attendance. But if there's if you have to pay $10 or for me, I don't have to really only have to pay $5 because I'm a free reduced lunch, which I think is great because like it's only $5. I know $10 is not a lot but in Idaho, we had to pay a whopping $45 just for a ticket. Like, I'm glad I live here because boy, I'm not gonna pay $45 for a ticket and then have to buy a prom dress.
Speaker 1:Like, nope. Nuh-uh. Nuh-uh. I never went to a dance. Yeah.
Speaker 1:And so like, I noticed that like, I'm more able to do more things like even like with Boys and Girls Club moms like, Email me if you're going to Boys and Girls Club and then you can. With like let's say Barrett I'm not gonna get too much but like Barrett is 14, I am almost 18. So like, there's a difference like I Boys and Girls Club is optional for me but when mom does like come home after Boys and Girls Club and then she's like she looks at me like an optional then Barrett has to. But like, if it's like something like it's Friday night and I want to come home and watch Scream two because I because we watch Scream and then we started Scream two, but we had to stop that because kids were coming up there and they were like done waiting. And like, it's just like fascinating to see the difference because like, I am doing more than I could before.
Speaker 1:Like, as long as mommy's with me, I'm okay with watching video drama movies. But if it's just like me by myself, there's no way I'm watching it until I'm 18 because like, I respect mom's boundaries. Like, sometimes we can't watch a Radidar movie because it is so Radidar that I'm like, no. But like there are people who are taking that privilege as, Oh, I can watch rated R movies all the time. Like I'm just gonna say this out straight, to be on our school computers is unblocked and there are some rated R movies on that and so people are like taking that as thought, Oh because it's on to be, I can watch that.
Speaker 1:And for me, to be is like a privilege that I have to earn. And so like when I'm done with my school look, it's a Friday, I'm at Boys and Girls Club, I will watch Jodie Rotten Stones. Hilarious movie, right? I love that movie. And so like if I'm done with my assignment, I'm stuck at Boys and Girls Club maybe because mom has to like work or something or she's finishing up something up, I will watch like a couple of scenes of that and be like, Oh yeah, then mom will email me and be like, I almost broke, you want to come home?
Speaker 1:I'm like, Please yes, because sometimes at Boys and Girls Club, they say you have to do this and I don't want to. And because I'm almost 18, I'm like, hey, I'd rather work on my homework than do like gardening because I am not a big fan of being outside. And so like for me, I would never do landscaping at a job. Like, I would rather sit at home, play video games for eight hours straight as long Minecraft or Smash Bros. I can't play any other games physically because I can't really focus on more than one thing.
Speaker 1:Sometimes I can focus on two. Like if I'm watching my cat and Alex is talking to me, I can put one eye on the cat and my eye drifts and I'm like watching Alex talk at the same time. Like that's why you need surgery.
Speaker 4:Sometimes Now we've gotten to the bottom of it. So
Speaker 1:like, sometimes it helps, but sometimes like I would sometimes I'm just like reading a book and like my ideas and I'm like reading two pages at once and I'm like I really need to only be focusing on one page so like this is not helping me.
Speaker 3:Well, and with the boys and girls club example, when the younger kids have to go to boys and girls club on the two days I And work also for you, sometimes they have activities you really do like. Yeah, like. They paint or if they're doing pickleball or craft project or something.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:So I'm always just with you, you also have the maturity when you come home to come home quietly to go shower, do my chore,
Speaker 1:do So my last
Speaker 3:you can do your own thing while I finish, and you're okay. And so I always just tell you, because you have that, not just your age, but also the maturity of, go see what they're doing. If you want to stay, let me know, just so I know where you are. Yeah. And if you don't, then you can come home.
Speaker 3:I think, I think that's a symbol of what shifts as you get older because it's with roommates,
Speaker 1:it's more about communication. Yeah. That's the one thing I'm worried about when I'm living on my own with Alex, because I love Alex as a brother, but sometimes he's not
Speaker 3:the best at communication. It's a hard piece of autism.
Speaker 1:Yeah. But like, oh, hi.
Speaker 3:Hey. We were just talking about you. Come on. We're recording, so don't talk if you don't want to.
Speaker 4:Oh, so sorry. I did not mean to sleep in that late. I think I just needed it. School this week was tough.
Speaker 3:You didn't do anything wrong, baby. You don't have to apologize.
Speaker 4:Tough. We had to run the mile. It was awful.
Speaker 3:I'm so sorry you had to run a mile. I'm glad you got good sleep. Yeah. We're gonna have lunch in just a little bit. We're recording if you wanna join us.
Speaker 3:If you don't, we'll call you up when we're done. It's up to you.
Speaker 4:Don't just sit.
Speaker 3:We are talking about the difference between when you're younger and the difference between now being 17, almost 18, and how that changes things.
Speaker 1:Can I continue what I was saying? Yeah. So like, we were talking about communication being important. So like, well, yes, I love you Alex as a brother, but when we're on our own, we're gonna really need to work on communication because like,
Speaker 3:if you don't tell me where you are, I swear I will pull up my phone and text you like 30 times in one second, like, where are you? Where are you? Where are you? Like Well, and that will be part of Trixie too. It's an example of you not being the parent.
Speaker 3:True. Right? The things you'll need to communicate are things like rent is due on this day. Who's paying, like, who's turning it in to get the money to the landlord or things like when you're coming home just for safety or things like these are the groceries I'm gonna get. Here's where my groceries are in this cupboard is mine or whatever.
Speaker 3:Things that you set up to navigate pragmatically, but you won't be in charge of each other or know where each other are all the time. You'll have that independence even from each other.
Speaker 1:Yeah like I think we already kind of started talking about it like we're gonna have like movie nights for like we'll watch like movies like I'll just say Bill and Ted because who hates Bill and Ted? Bill and Ted is pretty fun. They're amazing. The Matrix. The second one is the best.
Speaker 1:Hands down. I love the second one. The other ones, they're optional. Indiana Jones. I'll say yes to The Office.
Speaker 1:It's not my favorite, but Alex likes it and so I'll be fine watching it like I have my phone to distract myself. Or like what else did we say? Ted, we have to watch Ted. Hands down. Hands down.
Speaker 1:I'll just keep saying that. What else? I know there was another one we talked about. Well, it'll come back to me, but they're the ones we have like firmly established. There are others that only I will watch which like horror movies.
Speaker 1:Alex and I have a different viewpoint on that. Definitely. I don't know what it is, but I love horror movies. And Are you saying horror? Yeah, horror.
Speaker 1:And Alex does not, which I respect. So like when Alex works late on a shift, I will throw a horror I can't say that. A scary movie. I'm just gonna say that because for some reason it comes out wrong.
Speaker 3:Well, ours are hard for Deaf people and horror has a lot of Rs.
Speaker 1:I'm just gonna say scary movies because it's easier for me to say scary movies like if Alex books a late shift or if Alex is like out with one of his girlfriends or with his friends or having like a football party that I don't really want to go to because Or
Speaker 3:if you have a date or bring a date home.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah. You just need to communicate. His eyebrows!
Speaker 4:He was like yo buddy.
Speaker 1:Like, and even like with dating, Alex and I both have very different views on it. I am terrified of dating. Because like there's this guy at school I like but I'm just too scared to tell him I like him because I have really bad experiences telling people I like them. Whereas Alex is like you need to date this guy. You need to date this guy.
Speaker 1:I'm like dude, I'm just scared, okay?
Speaker 3:What we could do is get a release. Instead of just saying, oh, I like you. We could get, if that feels too scary, we could get a really specific activity we're gonna do, like going to a certain movie or something and being like, me and Alex are going to this movie with our mom this weekend. Do you want to go with us? Oh yeah.
Speaker 1:And just see how it goes. Like, he's really, really nice. Like he and I both like Five Nights at Freddy's, hands down. He and I both like, to do art sometimes like I asked him if he could paint me something and he did it and I really enjoyed it and like it has been my favorite painting. I keep it in my room special place.
Speaker 3:That's so sweet. Yeah. Like get it, ask him if I can have his mom's number so that like all four of us can go do something for like a group activity. You don't even have to
Speaker 1:call it a date. Okay. For real. Like for me I got your back. We can do this.
Speaker 1:For me personally Just
Speaker 4:real quick. It can't be a scary movie though.
Speaker 1:Yeah. We'll find something in between like what's the next movie coming out? I think the next event at the linkedin is going to see oh we're gonna be out of the family soon now. There's I don't know if there's any movies coming out anytime soon but.
Speaker 4:Like Toy Story five is coming out?
Speaker 1:Oh no. No one thinks that Toy Story is not really my thing. Like I stopped watching that Toy Story one. I mean I get that I've seen something with Fookie but other than that I won't absolutely not watch Toy Story sorry.
Speaker 3:Final Batman. Forky creeps me out. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Forky is my favorite. You can't say that. That's a creeper.
Speaker 4:Final Batman movie is coming out. Final Matrix movie. Movie.
Speaker 1:That's not until next year though. I, we graduate that year.
Speaker 3:We'll, we'll find something. Yeah. We'll talk about it. What, what do you have since you've joined us? Let me ask you, how do you feel about turning 18?
Speaker 3:You may have to scoot closer just because microphones. But how do you feel about turning 18 and then still being at home to finish that senior year?
Speaker 4:I don't mind it really. It's kind of nice. Because usually when people turn 18, they're done with school and then they're gone.
Speaker 3:So so far things are feeling okay?
Speaker 4:Yeah. Like that extra year.
Speaker 3:Transition. Yes.
Speaker 1:I don't think we're in a hurry to leave because it's not like we have anyone we want to run away from. Like most kids when they're 18, like their parents are like fighting all the time and not not most, but some kids have their parents fighting or there's something at home that they just want to run away from. I think that I'm safe enough here that as long as we talk like consecutively and like that we resolve our issues, which we do a great job of, that I could stay another year and just get school over with and then see how much like I'm making. If I can afford even to pay rent, if I'm still working at McDonald's, which by God, I hope I'm not.
Speaker 3:It was a good starting place though. Yeah. I think you see something important there about being able to talk it through, because that's different than having the expectation that everything will always be perfect or easy. Yeah. Like it's okay for everyone to have their big feelings.
Speaker 3:We just need to come full circle and talk through it or be, in the hard stuff together. And I think for me, the days that are hardest are When nobody's talking. When no one's talking, it's harder, which I know doesn't happen very often, but sometimes it's one of those days where like, everyone's having big feelings at the same time. It's like, okay, let's just pause. Like, that's what they say in trauma therapy, like pause and slow down.
Speaker 3:It makes me think it happened a couple weeks ago, right before we all got sick.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And it was like, okay, I think we're all getting sick. We just need a day at home together. And then we were fine and we really were sick, it turned out. Yeah. And I think also it's hard on a day if I have extra meetings or like class nights or something where I don't get to see you as much, even though I still see you before bedtime.
Speaker 3:And I know you're cool. You don't need me all the time anymore. So like, can get through it just fine. But it's not the same as having like hours and hours to talk.
Speaker 1:Yeah. And like that day when like, it was like I got home from boys and girls club and like I think it was last Friday like that day where like the kid got hit by the bus and like nobody would talk and clearly like are you okay? And I'm like yeah I'm okay and like to go through the story, recently, one of our siblings, Barrett's friend, got hit by a bus. And the kid's bike hit Barrett. Hit Barrett.
Speaker 1:And when I got home, the went up to me
Speaker 3:and said, I'm sorry, I'm interrupting. Go grab Barrett really fast so he can tell the story himself.
Speaker 1:He I'm just gonna tell what I got because he came up to me and said, did you know I have to talk to the police today? And I was like, you have to talk to the police today? He's like, I think so.
Speaker 3:And We want you to tell your bus story yourself. Do you want to share it or you don't want to share it?
Speaker 4:I don't think they're sharing it.
Speaker 3:Because you don't have to. What's funny is that you just dropped it on me, like in passing, in conversation, like, oh, yeah, got hit by a bus or by a bike that got hit by the bus. And I'm like, wait. What? Because I got emails from the school that there had been an accident, and I was like, what is happening?
Speaker 3:So go ahead and come over because we've got the microphone is on Lucas. Sorry. And you'll have to speak up a bit, but go ahead and tell the story of what happened.
Speaker 1:I'd also just thought like, mean girls, like full on. I will say I was like, Regina George. Like I tried so hard not to say that because I didn't know if it was the right time. Like you were telling me like it was the most dramatic thing that happened. I was like, it's probably not the right time
Speaker 3:to say, Regina George. It was the most dramatic thing to happen. Good filtering. I'm not saying the things. Okay.
Speaker 3:Tell your story, buddy. What happened?
Speaker 5:So it was on Wednesday. I remember that. And it it was just an early release. So I'm allowed, I went, got off at twelve from school, going straight to boys and girls club. The bus that drives the kids to boys and girls club isn't supposed to turn anywhere except go straight down.
Speaker 5:And so I was just biking with my friends and much farther ahead of us, but he's on an e bike. I tried, he slows down so that me and catch up. Then the bus swerves to avoid a jaywalker just walking across the street, and the tail of the bus smacks in the back. So Klipsch flying off his bike, and his bike, you have to actually like turn it off so that the motor will stop moving forward. So his bike hasn't been turned off yet.
Speaker 5:So his bike crashes into my bike. So then I fall off my bike. It's fine.
Speaker 3:Then there's boys sliding around the intersection, which is not fine, actually. Oh my goodness. It was so epic.
Speaker 5:I got up. I picked my bike up. I just moved out of the way.
Speaker 3:I'm glad that you're okay. It was fine, mom. And also, it very easily could have not been fine.
Speaker 5:But it was fine, though.
Speaker 3:And also It's fine. Well, so why this goes back to what we were talking about of communicating is because you all were worried about telling me at first, You had not done anything wrong. It wasn't that kind of fear. But you were worried about protecting me from flashbacks because of what happened to my mom, which is very sweet of you. And also, like, that's my responsibility to tend to in therapy.
Speaker 3:And you are all going to call me at some point and say you were in an accident. That's part of learning to drive. Hopefully, most of those are all minor things. Right? Hopefully, you're not pancaked by a bus.
Speaker 5:I'm sorry.
Speaker 3:And also, like, that's my job as the mom to, like, prepare for that. I have to do my therapy on that so that I can be a good parent in those moments, Because those are moments where it is you getting care and support, not you caring for me.
Speaker 1:Does that make sense? I would like to say the day after Barrett told me on Thursday, I was like, not I just walked across the road. This car was coming and I was like, because I'm running the drive, I didn't really well, just didn't care that much. I'm just gonna say that. So I just walked across the road.
Speaker 1:The person in the car got got mad at me and was yelling and I was like so I was like, I could have done that differently, but I just didn't care because I had this habit of like I think I can calculate how fast when the car is gonna stop despite how far away they are and because you can only go up to 25, I could tell there's a possibility it might stop. Up to me or when it's already past me.
Speaker 3:So Like in Home Alone where the truck's foot Yep. Hits the brakes.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So I just pretend that everything is fine. Like I swear like the car was coming, like it was a foot away from me. I turned and looked at it. I almost fell.
Speaker 1:Like I almost legit just stopped in the middle of the road. And I was like I
Speaker 3:should just keep walking. Oh my goodness.
Speaker 1:Like Alex got pretty mad at me because of the busting but I was like dude at this point there's nothing I could have done.
Speaker 3:And also safety. Yeah. And also deaf people as pedestrians, meaning to use our eyes, which are not working for you. So there's that. A lot
Speaker 1:of safety. Yeah. Especially when you're a teenager and you tend to stereotypically not care about chocolate holes.
Speaker 3:So maybe another year at home won't be so bad. Yeah.
Speaker 4:I usually say before we cross, I say, okay, Lucas. It's clear. And then when cross, or Lucas sees that I start walking and sees that it's okay to walk or ears or whatever.
Speaker 3:Did you say that you did you share that you are using Lucas? Oh,
Speaker 1:no. I didn't share that.
Speaker 3:Okay. Did you wanna say something about it?
Speaker 1:Currently because I've been so very much into Stranger Things. Because I've been into Stranger Things so much, the only black character that is the main character named Lucas. And because it's a sci fi scary show, usually the Black person is supposed to die. You're not wrong. And so for me, that feels very important to see that my culture is represented properly on screen, that we're not just gonna die just because we're the Black people and don't know how to get out of a dangerous situation.
Speaker 1:So for me, felt important and she felt important to me. So I'm just trying out Lucas as a name. I don't know if it's gonna stick forever because for me, I go through names of like as if like for me, I test things out. And then once I find the right name, usually that's when I'm like, Oh, this is the right name. Like when I was adopted, my mom gave me this whole list of names from both families and I swear I just picked the first three names that stood out that didn't really bother me.
Speaker 1:And I was like maybe seven at the time, so I wasn't really like thinking about how this is gonna affect me later in life. Well, yeah. Like one example, apparently having two middle names is confusing to people who might read your name and be like, is it Diana? Is it Mary? Is it Anna?
Speaker 1:Is it what? Yeah.
Speaker 3:And so, yes. I think two middle names, but also, again, the paperwork like you two, when we went to get driver's licenses, all the name changes because of my name changes, even though we have all the legal paperwork and it's all for appropriate reasons, having that, trying to communicate that on paper is as tricksy in those moments and also doesn't mean you've done anything wrong.
Speaker 1:And you choosing a name as you become an adult or what that looks like in your future, it's a matter of paperwork and then not really people's business. Yeah, like at school, there was this counselor who pressured me into signing paperwork that at the time I didn't realize I could only do it one time. And because I wasn't ready, I just dove right in and she kept pressuring me and making me make the decision. And so now I'm stuck with the name I
Speaker 3:don't really want. That happened to me though legally when I was in shiny happy college and they were pressuring me about getting away from my family, they did. They wanted to do, they wanted to like do an adoption, but I was already an adult. It was college. And then and so they didn't think they could.
Speaker 3:So they found someone who would help them just with a name change and did, like, not an adoption, but a name change to their name. And then later when I left shiny happy college, I was like, that doesn't feel good because to me that represents shiny happy college. So I don't want that as my name, but I was living with a family who helped me get away from Shiny Happy College. And so because I was living with them, they felt like family. And I was like, okay, so that feels better, but because I don't want to be connected to shiny happy college, I'm frustrated that my name is associated with that.
Speaker 3:And they then offered to actually adopt me and did an adult adoption, which I didn't even know was possible. And so then my name got changed, like the last name got changed. And then when they got in a fight with my therapist, like this is all trauma. Right? And I was like, your age.
Speaker 3:So like on paper, you see this paper trail of name changes, but I was like your age, and this is what I was going through. I was 17, 18, 19. And so when I got, when they got in a fight with my therapist and I was like, this isn't helpful or healthy either. And I was worried about, because that was an adoption, does that mean there's some kind of legal connection that feels unsafe to me? I don't want that.
Speaker 3:So I actually had my biological mother re adopt me, and that time I didn't change my name. I'm trying to think. I don't think I changed my last name. I don't think I changed my name again that time, but I had her adopt me so that there wouldn't so it would dissolve anything before that. Because the same thing, I had felt pressured in these specific contexts to do the thing.
Speaker 3:But because my mother was adopting me, this is how weird it is, because it was an adoption, I still got a new birth certificate. So I got a birth certificate from adoption of my birth mother on it, but not my father because he didn't participate. Weird. Isn't that wild? And so then my name changed again when I got married, which I chose to do.
Speaker 3:And then when we got divorced and I changed it just to let it match the name I had already been using, but then been doxed by anyway. So, like, what you choose for a name is your business, and you shouldn't have to defend it to anybody. Like, no one should be bothering you with that or being so intrusive that that's anyone's business, unless it's a story you choose to tell, but that happened to me too. So I just want to affirm that that's an intense experience. Like I'm glad we live in a state where even the schools will respect however you want to identify yourself.
Speaker 3:I love that. That's part of why we're here. And also, it still should be your choice.
Speaker 1:Yeah. Like, I get that they're trying to help me, but they shouldn't be pressuring me. Like I shouldn't have to do something because the school wants me to do it. Like when I'm ready, which I don't know when it's gonna be, I will make the official name change. I will go to the security what is it called?
Speaker 1:Not security. Go to security stuff and I will do all the paperwork and the official stuff, but I'm not doing it as a way of like that I have to do it. I'm gonna I'm doing
Speaker 3:it as a way if I'm ready for it, it's gonna happen. I just need the right time. It's that's beautiful. That's beautiful. It's like when Alex goes to get his haircut, and he always checks in as Alex Sunshaw.
Speaker 3:Like, that's just sweet. It's it's beautiful. It's your timing. It's your life. It's your name, and no one
Speaker 1:can pressure you any way at all. Yeah. It's and like, at school, the hardest part is that like I try so hard to present the way I want to and I try so hard to convince people that I am this way and then they just see me as like a girl still. Like even my best friend who I previously talked about, she still will not say theythem. Like, I tried to write a story and I was like there are these two characters who are not currently like dating anyone.
Speaker 1:We can make
Speaker 3:them bisexual. They could date each other. She's like no. I don't like bisexuals. And I'm like I don't like bisexuals is a thing that happens a lot.
Speaker 3:They talk about bisexual erasure, where people aren't holding space for that to be a thing.
Speaker 1:And like, to me, that felt big because like, as a teen, like I know to some people that may not be like, Oh, it's a big deal because they're not asked that way. But to me, it felt like a big deal because Trump has already erased trans people. Like it's not even like, he there's no T in LGBT. You just erased that. What if he erases everything else?
Speaker 1:So like, for me, as currently trying to figure out whether or I'm bisexual, pansexual, omnisexual, Completely different thing. But like, I don't know. Like, so I just have a hard time like, if she's not going to accept me, then how do I accept? Like, when do I stop this?
Speaker 4:So we go to Boys and Girls Club Monday. Right?
Speaker 1:Right? Most of the week.
Speaker 4:Okay. So we could go to Boys and Girls Club Monday. I can sit right beside you or, like, across from you or something. And then you could either get up and move close to me to have to talk, or you could ask me to come over and I could sit down, or I could just sit by you the entire time. And you could talk to her and tell her that this is hurting me because you're not accepting who I am.
Speaker 4:And then you either say, so I can't do this anymore. We're done. And I don't really want to be friends anymore or talk to you because you're hurting who I'm trying to be. Or you could ask her to, fix it and, like, hopefully accept who you are. But if she does not, then that is not a friend.
Speaker 4:That is a person who who doesn't care what that is. Oof.
Speaker 3:Oof. That's real what you just said.
Speaker 1:I think I'm scared because like, I told both mom and Alex about a dream I recently had. I'm just gonna share it because like, I don't care if this gets out. But like, it's so it's not the easiest thing to explain, but imagine you're like in a field and like you're just like standing. It's beautiful like there's these woods. There's this nice house in the background.
Speaker 1:The sun is setting. The sky is like hues of like this orangey red and it's just like beautiful and you're just like standing there like the grass is glowing in the wind. I really like that putt. And then there'll be like glowing orbs that are like just really pretty and like they're just like sitting there and you're like when I want to touch the physical, it's like rinse out and then like hold it and like just like it just like goes into you and it like it just makes you feel so happy. And you're like, Okay, I have to go get another one.
Speaker 1:So you go off to another one but it just like runs away. Like I don't know how to say it like floats away and like as you start chasing after it, it goes faster. And what mom told me was that that's how I view like my friends. That I can only have one friend and that everyone else will just run away from me or I won't be able to have that same kind of friendship again which yes to me that is true because I have a really hard time making friends. Because I can not only because I'm Deaf or because I don't put in the effort.
Speaker 1:Sometimes that is true. I just have a really hard time bonding with kids my age. So I will usually go after like a kid who's like a year younger than me so that like we're not exactly the same age so it's not it's not too weird but or I'll go after the adult not in a weird like way but like I bond better with adults who have kids who are usually like a year younger than me because kids my age are going through the same thing I'm going through. So it just like feels kind of weird to me in a way that just like they know what I'm going through and I feel like sometimes they can use that as like poison against me. Like and I don't want them doing that.
Speaker 1:And so, it's just easier for me to bond with people who aren't going through the same things that I am, if that makes sense.
Speaker 3:That's a lot. Yeah. Anything else you needed to say for today? Nope. That was a lot.
Speaker 3:How did it feel doing your new idea of just Saturday morning when we already are talking?
Speaker 1:I think it feels good because like, it's Saturday morning, you're waking up, you're right. It's you've had the whole week to like, you hey, like you just had the whole week of like, this has happened, this has happened, or this good thing has happened, or like, it just feels good that it's Saturday, not like Monday morning, or like, hurrying and you're, oh.
Speaker 3:Okay, cool. Okay. You were brave. Thank you. Mhmm.
Speaker 3:Is there anything you need taken out? No. Anything that you shared? You feel comfortable? Yeah.
Speaker 3:Okay. Thank you. Mhmm. Welcome. That's so exciting.
Speaker 3:You've got this whole series planned. See how it goes, what you feel. Mhmm. Okay. Thank you very much.
Speaker 1:Thank you for listening.