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"A LOT with Audra" is the podcast for women juggling big dreams and full lives. Each episode, host, Audra Dinell, Midwestern wife, mom and neurodivergent multi-six figure entrepreneur encourages women to embrace their many roles holistically by living a values-based life with confidence and joy. Through candid discussions, practical strategies and inspiring stories, this podcast is your guide to designing and achieving success without losing yourself in the process.
Ep54
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[00:00:00]
Introduction to Kristen Selby
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Audra Dinell: Today on the podcast, I'm talking to one of my dear friends and someone who you've heard from before, Kristen Selby, who is on my team and who is also the founder of Timely Executive Assistants. Kristen is giving us a peek behind the curtain of her. Shift in life. It happened at a pivotal time in a tricky way, and I'm just so grateful to have had this time with her more so than that, I'm just so grateful she was willing to share her story with listeners because I know it is gonna resonate and help someone.
If you have ever felt like you have lost yourself in the roles of life, whether that be mother, founder, executive wife, daughter, et cetera, this episode is for you. Kristen Selby spent 18 years in executive [00:01:00] support where she repeatedly saw a critical gap. Entrepreneurs needed a high caliber proactive administrative partnership, but full-time executive assistants were often out of reach and part-time options.
Rarely offered the strategic expertise, nuance, support, or seamless integration required. That insight sparked Kristen's business timely, executive assistant, a modern agile solution dedicated to providing the precise fractional executive assistant that empowers visionary leaders. She founded timely EA in 2021.
While raising her three amazing children. As you know, Kristen has also been on our team at the thread since 2021 as our chief administrative officer. I am so excited for y'all to hear Kristen's story today. [00:02:00]
The Big Shift in 2020
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Audra Dinell: So before everything shifted in your world, tell our listeners what season of life were you in?
Kristen Selby: Yeah, so I think about my big shift happening in 2020, which was a pivotal year for a lot of people. It was very abnormal, but for me, it really was the, what I feel like was the end of my first act.
It was the end of this role and mask that I'd been wearing for a very long time, and it launched me into. A season where I started to create my own definition of success, and I started to kind of piece together a life that felt authentic and real to me. And so I'm thinking [00:03:00] January, 2020.
Turning 40 and Reflecting on Life
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Kristen Selby: I'm a New Year's baby, so I turned 40 on January 1st, 2020.
Audra Dinell: Wait, wait.
Kristen Selby: I never put that together. Yes.
Audra Dinell: Oh my gosh.
Kristen Selby: What a year? What a year. Okay. And you know, I was thinking about how you approach 40 and how you have so much intention around it. Like that's been kind of on the horizon for you for many years and you've been, you know, thinking about how, you know, reframing your thoughts around it and, you know, thinking about what you want to accomplish before then and what that means.
And we've had a lot of conversations around that and I think that. To when I was like 39, I remember having like one thing on my bucket list, and that was to run a half marathon under two hours. Okay. And I did that congrat. Congratulations. But that was, thank you. That was the only thought I put into turning 40.
I was just like, okay you know, this is another birthday. Like this feels big. I'm sure it'll, you know, affect me in, in some way, but I didn't have a [00:04:00] whole lot of intention around it.
Life in Wichita
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Kristen Selby: So during that season I had been in Wichita for four years, so we had moved from the Dallas area and I didn't, I was building some relationships, but I really didn't know many people still because I had, at the time, an 8-year-old, a 5-year-old, and a 3-year-old.
Oh my gosh. So I was kind of just like drowning in little kids. Yeah. And I was a stay at home mom. And did some contract work during nap time and after bedtime. So my kids really set the pace for everything in that season. And I'm, I look back and I'm so grateful for that time that we had when we moved here, we got to adventure and explore a new city.
And so my days were filled with kind of that kid, little kid rhythm.
Single Mom Within a Marriage
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Kristen Selby: My ex-husband, husband then at the time. He had accepted a job about two hours north of Wichita, and so he was gone 85% of the time. And so I [00:05:00] really felt like a single mom within a marriage during that, season. So that's kind of like to set the scene, you know, where I was.
My life on paper looked very quote unquote normal. You know, I was a suburbian mom with three little kids. I was the, you know, heavily involved in the PTO and the classroom mom, and, you know, we were going to the museums and, participate in all this enrichment that you think you, need.
To do as a stay-at-home mom. And so, I mean, it was one of the hardest jobs I've ever Owned to be certain. But yeah, I was just living and breathing that world and I didn't have a whole lot of thought about 40 and what that would mean. 'cause I don't think I could see beyond where I was.
Audra Dinell: Yeah.
I'm just honestly thinking about this isn't deep or anything, but knowing you and thinking about your little babies and thinking about a 3-year-old Anthony, I wish I would've been able to see that guy. You don't really, I
know two and three
year olds you're, I [00:06:00] mean, say no more. I know, I know. But that's the season we met.
Yes. Right. As you were shifting. And I remember, at one point saying to you, wow, it's like you lived one life and I get to meet you at the start of another, and it's just so beautiful. So looking back, what were some of the signs within yourself that you now recognize as little breadcrumbs?
Kristen Selby: Yeah, this was an interesting question for me to think through.
The Unexpected Divorce
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Kristen Selby: And maybe just to further set the context, you know, I talked about January, 2020 and turning 40 March of 2020. All parents remember as the time of spring break that never ended, that, you know, we shut the school, shut down the world, shut down. Kids didn't go back to school. Even more so my, my kids kind of set the rhythm for me.
So that was March, and then in April my ex-husband filed for [00:07:00] divorce kind of out of the blue and in a tricky way that I had to leave that home within six hours. So I packed a duffle bag and I walked two doors down to the most amazing neighbors. The universe God took care of. Me and my kids.
And we, we happened to move on a street of, you know, this couple that was just so kind and continues to love us so well. So I walked with my duffel bag two doors down and said, Hey, I think I need to stay here a little while, if that would be all right. Thinking that I only needed an overnight bag but I ended up never going back into the house again.
And so, my kids and I. Stayed with my neighbors in one bedroom for two months and you know, just a lot of grief and, paralysis and just a lot of feelings that were going on, obviously through that time. [00:08:00] And then that summer we moved into an Airbnb for a couple of months and then we were able to finally secure a home.
And that kind of changed things as we rooted into this new season.
Rebuilding After the Divorce
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Kristen Selby: So, when I met you, I had gone through that in the. Previous, you know, nine or 10 months. And we met
Audra Dinell: like a year later.
Kristen Selby: We did. Yeah, mm-hmm.
Finding Breadcrumbs of Self
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Kristen Selby: And so I look back, you know, to answer your questions about the breadcrumbs, I look back over my life up until that point.
And, you know, I think it was a long season of looking for external validation and looking kind of reading the room and reading everyone else to think what do they want for me? Like what role do I play in this space? And, and because of that, even answering this question was hard. It was like, did I leave myself breadcrumbs?
Was it, were these like little signs, like this is who you are. And I do think there were a few I was thinking about you know. In during that season, I. I did have this [00:09:00] entrepreneurial drive that I didn't label as such an ambition that I didn't label as such. I teamed up with a local female business owner here to teach organizational workshops and classes, and I did I was a teacher for Wichita State Community Ed program.
A few, gosh. Semesters, like, I so fun. I just taught an organizing class and one was geared to like kid clutter and and that was really fun. But I, I just look back at that and I'm like, that's so interesting. Like I was in this season of kids and, and you know, kind of a world that didn't feel quite right to me, but I still stepped outside of that comfort zone too.
To do something for me and to kind of create a mini business. And so, I see that about me, you know, even in those hard years.
Audra Dinell: Well, thank you for sharing so much. Sure. Just your story because I'm thinking about like, as we're talking about me and how I'm preparing for 40 and the second act and this [00:10:00] whole thing.
Some of us don't get like that. Sometimes things are forced or outside of our control, is probably the best way to say it. And we find ourself in this new season and it's outside of our control, and that is just as real, if not more than. Being intentional and thinking and preparing. So, just thank you for sharing because I know so many people are gonna hear this and be like, yeah, it's not all positive.
Sometimes it's
Kristen Selby: out of our control. Yeah, I think so. And I, you know, I look back at that and obviously I would not. Have chosen that route. However, it has been life's greatest gift. Truly. It has set me up to be in a place where, you know, I started to question, I think it was two things. It was like, obviously that experience of my world kind of burning down and figuring out like, oh, okay, now what?
Like I'm kinda looking over the ashes thinking, what am I gonna build from this? Mm. What a gift. [00:11:00] Mm-hmm. At 40 to be able to be forced into that and meeting you a year later when I started to kind of join in the thread cohort work of mm-hmm. You know, values and strengths and like pairing those two.
I like this was by design and I'm so, so grateful.
Audra Dinell: You always make me cry on podcasts. I'm sorry,
Kristen Selby: we're further than two minutes in this time.
Audra Dinell: Okay. You know, also, I think about only in retrospect, right? Like the bread crumbs. Like, I shouldn't be crying about bread crumbs. I'm not crying about bread crumbs.
I'm trying to move past my tears. I think about how sometimes we can only see things in retrospect. Mm-hmm. You know how it's like, oh, this connects and this connects and this connects. That makes sense. But when. You are paving your way. I feel like you're always looking for those things, but sometimes you cannot see them until you're out of whatever it is.
You're in a new act.
Kristen Selby: Yes, yes. It takes [00:12:00] months and years and I think, you know, now it's been almost six years, six years this spring, and this is the first conversation I've had. You know, publicly about any of this. Obviously with, with my friends and family, I've, I've spoken of it, but it, I feel like, okay, this is like, okay, now I can see it six years later.
What a gift. Uhhuh. Mm-hmm.
Audra Dinell: Okay. So, you know what I think is interesting is the word you're using.
I think it's interesting that interesting and beautiful that you are looking at ashes at 40 and not something that you initiated and. Using the language of just what a gift to have the masks and the, the first act and all that comes with the first act and the [00:13:00] external validation and just the, the resume or what people see on the outside.
You're using the word, it's a gift to have that burn down at 40. I, I just think that's wildly amazing. And many people wouldn't do that.
Kristen Selby: I think on the other side, I felt so much freedom. And as I stepped into using my own voice and really asking myself like, what does, what do I want the next half of my life to look like?
That was so empowering to me, and I think that's why I gift is the only way I can describe it. Yes, there was obviously grief and pain and you know, I worried terribly for my children and you know, I would never want to relive those, you know, 18 months or so, but. Even in the thick of that grief, I remember feeling like I had been [00:14:00] underwater for most of my life, and I just came up for a deep breath of air and I was like, wait a minute.
I get to decide my next steps. Like I'm the person that I should have been listening to all along. I'm the person for me.
Producer: Mm-hmm.
Audra Dinell: Mm-hmm. Yeah. So it's like the whispers you were hearing mm-hmm. In that shift were whispers of freedom and empowerment and agency.
Kristen Selby: Yes.
Audra Dinell: What did you do with that?
Kristen Selby: Yeah, I think I realized that I had.
Rediscovering Self-Trust
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Kristen Selby: Pretty much zero self-trust. And so that was a practice of really rebuilding that. And you know, it looked, it, that took a lot of different forms, you know, therapy obviously linking arms with women who had been through similar situations. And in trusting them with my story it [00:15:00] also looked like.
Remembering who I was like and, and leaning into that. So little things like listening to music that I really liked. Mm. I remember one of my friends during that time asked me, one, we were hanging out and she asked me, Hey, what would you like to do tonight? And I for froze. I was like, I don't know what I want.
To do. Mm. And so it was, it had to go down to the basics of, okay, what do I like to do? Do I like to watch movies? And what kind movies do I like to watch? And oh, I actually like to read. And I remember doing a lot of distance running during that time too, and just thinking about like, who really am I and what lit me up as a 7-year-old?
Yeah. And is that still there? Mm. So kind of. Leaning into those whispers of like, Hey, you're, you're still here. I abandoned myself for a while and I just refused to do that again. But like, what did, what did that look like moving forward? Who was Kristen going to be?
Audra Dinell: Yeah. Ooh. And I think whether, however you got to the shift, I think sometimes [00:16:00] life can move so fast and be so busy that we do not listen to those things.
We do not remember what do we want to do? We just know what we have been doing and what. These people are doing, or what we maybe should be doing based on our goals. So I think that's just a powerful, like what do you wanna do tonight? How simple,
but wonderful.
Kristen Selby: I think we get, as women especially, we get so comfortable in the roles that we play and then we start to attach purpose and meaning and value to those roles, which I think is, is right.
You know, we need to do that. But sometimes I feel like we can start to lose ourselves just in the roles that we play and not, you know, really think through who, who am I and what do I really want?
Audra Dinell: Yes. That's relatable to anyone who's built a career, anyone who's become a mother, and many other scenarios.
So in this season, when you were [00:17:00] asking yourself, what did I like to do? Who am I, what did you find yourself wanting more of? And what did you find yourself wanting less of?
Seeking Freedom and Love
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Kristen Selby: So I knew that I wanted freedom. Like that word kind of rang really loudly for me during that shift era. And I knew I wanted freedom for me and I knew I wanted freedom for my kids.
I listened to a weekend Do Hard Things podcast, and Abby and Glennon were talking about when they first established their family. There were a lot of, people who are, judging or have opinions that they really just want, needed to block out for their own wellbeing and their kids' wellbeing.
And so they gave this image of a drawbridge, like their house was like, you know, just solid and, and on solid foundation. They would lower the drawbridge for, how'd they phrase it? They said, only love in. Only love out. So if whoever or whatever [00:18:00] wanted to come into their circle, they had to make sure like, are they bringing only love?
Building a New Home and Life
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Kristen Selby: And so I remember thinking that as I was kind of creating a home for my, my children, like I was so particular about who had access to us during that time. Yeah. Because we were going through so much. And so that was something I just wanted more of. I wanted more just relationships that saw us for who we were and loved us just for being, not for the roles that we were playing, but just for.
Who we were mm-hmm. And, and hurt us. I wanted to build a home that allowed only love. Mm. And then I also, I wanted less of people's opinions or judgments you know, think that when you go through something. So, life changing. A lot of people want to help, like they, but, and they want to give you opinions or advice.
Mm-hmm. But I found myself not wanting any of it, and not in like a rude way, but in fact I remember. During the [00:19:00] months of litigation, I was visiting with my divorce lawyer and he had just asked me, okay, so once this is all finalized, what are you going to do? Like, what's the plan? 'Cause he knew I had three kids and had to pay the bills.
Starting a Business Against the Odds
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Kristen Selby: And I said, well, I think I'm going to start a business. Yeah. And he looked at me and he was like, this is. The worst possible time for you to start a business. Mm. And I, I just, it lit me up. Mm-hmm. Like, it just, I felt some like rage come up and I was like, who are you? I don't, I know you in this tiny little context you don't know me or what I'm capable of or what I want for my life or my kids.
And so it kind of lit my fire a little bit to like lean into what I really wanted. Oh. And I was like, okay, I do want that. I'm gonna double down on it. So I just wanted less of. Input from others because I feel like I had, that had been my compass for way too long.
Audra Dinell: Yeah. Oh my gosh. I can relate so much.
And in fact, I was on a coaching call just the other day and we were talking about this.
Trusting Inner Knowing
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Audra Dinell: Just, I think to paraphrase what you're [00:20:00] saying, it's like you were wanting to follow like that inner knowing who you are, and yes, there were people out there in the world who are experts or who have been through your situation, but you were.
Really for the first time deciding to trust yourself. Mm-hmm.
Conclusion and Reflections
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Kristen Selby: Wow.
Getting Your Sea Legs
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Kristen Selby: Yeah. And you have to get your sea legs, you know, like you have to practice that and there's no other. Way around it. Like you have to trust yourself to form deep inner trust.
Becoming Your Own Expert
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Kristen Selby: And I think it's very different than 'cause I am a person who, like I will fully admit, if I don't know something, like that's the first thing I wanna do is seek out expert advice on, things that I don't know in my business or in parenthood.
Like I'm constantly, you know, I'm a lifelong learner, but this was different because it's like no one else is the expert of me. So I have to become that expert. And in order to do that, I have to trust myself like in small ways.
Building Inner Trust
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Kristen Selby: And then finally, you look back over the last few years, and I think, [00:21:00] okay, my inner knowing has like, it's almost like this flame that's grown and now I, can trust it because I.
She's never approved me. You know? She's never hurt me before.
Audra Dinell: Hmm.
The Importance of Self-Trust
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Audra Dinell: Well, I think inner trust doesn't mean you're always gonna get it right. It doesn't mean it's not gonna be messy. I just find it so fascinating that when life burned down around you and you realized that you had yourself, that is the thing that.
You held onto building this self trust and now I would say it is one of your greatest strengths.
Kristen Selby: Thank you for saying that.
Audra Dinell: I mean, truly. And it's like when we were prepping for the podcast, you know, we were talking about these questions, I'm like, whatever you are gonna say is gonna be so valuable to me and our listeners, because I just see, like, I might not have painted your story like the way you just painted it.
But self-trust and not abandoning. Not abandoning yourself.
Facing Hardships with Self-Trust
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Audra Dinell: I mean, we literally just talked about that on our team [00:22:00] 2025 review of like, this is something I've seen you do in this season. Like you just walked through another super hard thing that was outside of your control and you did not abandon yourself.
Like,
Kristen Selby: that's
Audra Dinell: beautiful.
Kristen Selby: Thank you for saying that. I think it was a point of desperation where I just knew I just didn't want to get it wrong again. Right. And it's like the only way I. Can ensure that I don't get it wrong again, is to really trust myself. 'cause the first go round I didn't at all.
Mm. It was like I was looking at everyone else and what they wanted and, oh, this looks right. Mm, this, this is what the next step is. And then one day you wake up and you're like, wait, this does not feel right. It's like I'm reading somebody else's script. Mm. And I just, didn't want to do that again.
Audra Dinell: Mm-hmm.
Boundaries and Rebuilding
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Audra Dinell: Thinking about like that drawbridge image. I love that. And I'm thinking about, you know, that's boundaries, right? Mm-hmm. And boundaries I feel like can sometimes get a bad wrap and people can use them in healthy ways [00:23:00] or sort of as that double-edged sword to have not healthy, I don't know what I'm trying to say.
Like boundaries can just be a bad word sometimes. But boundaries. Is, is what I hear from that, that drawbridge analogy. And it does make sense that it's like they don't always have to be so tight, but when you're in a season of rebuilding, I just see the value in saying nothing outside except only full love.
And things might have to change for a little bit, but you know, I need that or my family needs that as we reestablish. Right. And we certainly don't
Kristen Selby: have that. Stringent of value or of stringent of boundaries now, but you're right, during that time, that was so tender and raw, and vulnerable in so many ways.
Support from Friends
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Kristen Selby: I had to place some boundaries, Rhonda, and you know, I think what's so interesting when you go through something like that is that your people, the right people show up for you so beautifully and [00:24:00] well. I had, friends who would, when we were living at the Airbnb, they would. Let their kids come over for play dates or sleepovers and hang out with my kids.
And I remember how good that felt to my heart to normalize just a little piece of my kids' lives during that time. Like, Hey, we still have friends coming over. And or I had one friend drop off a basket of like hand towels and bath towels and I, you know, just things that I, I didn't have anything. And so just kind of the practical, like, you need this, like, we're gonna.
Show up in this really practical and beautiful way a welcome mat just to make the, the space feel more homey. So I think and I'm still, I'm still such dear friends with the, that kind of core group of women that I kind of knew a little bit, you know, through preschool drop off or whatever, but. I think it, it showed me who my people were.
Letting Go of Relationships
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Kristen Selby: And I had to let go of some relationships that well, [00:25:00] well-meaning, the conversations would perhaps cast some doubt on the choices I was making or the life I was creating. And so I just, that didn't feel. Great to me. While I was just trying to fiercely protect my kids and I, so I had to let go of some of those relationships which was hard.
Yeah. But I think it goes down to self-trust. Like if you're gonna trust yourself to know who your people are and. Who may not be in this season and like, letting that be what it is.
Audra Dinell: Well, and also what you need in this season. So like fluidity comes to mind where it's like, okay, if you are on the cusp of something new, like you need to protect that baby.
And whether it's an idea or a business or a new relationship or a new way of being, whatever is in this second act for you. Like you have to protect that and not expose it to. Everyone's opinions because it's like you're still trying to form it and you just are like, [00:26:00] so I like that word that you used fiercely focused on just trying to do what's right for you and you cannot have outside influences coming in.
When you're trying to build that and the people who are your people who love you, they'll be fluid with that. They will. Respect that they will still be there. Just because you have changed something in the relationship temporarily while you're in this season, doesn't mean it's always gonna be like that.
Mm-hmm. And they'll still be there when you boundaries are looser or, you know, you're more so solidified in what you're doing. Yes, that's exactly it. Yeah, because I do think, you know, we talk a lot about, we spent the last year being business accountability partners. Like I want someone who I trust dearly to have a critical eye on what I'm doing.
We use therapists for this too. I think there's so much value in inviting a trusted [00:27:00] partner in to say, here's what I'm thinking. Like, point out all the flaws. Yeah. But. When your ashes are around you, that is not the time. Right, right. Not the time to poke holes in anything. Not the time. Yes. Not the time.
Okay. So what got messier before it got clearer?
Parenting Through Messy Times
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Kristen Selby: So I think everything got messier before it got clearer. I mean, I just think about those first few months and how I just didn't know. I mean, it was just hour to hour. I didn't know what the next day would bring. Because of COVID, the litigation process took double the time it typically takes, which is already long.
And there were just extra hoops to, jump through and more back and forth and perhaps a standard time. I think just my kids and that, and parenting through that felt messy at the time. Like, I just felt like I was really winging it. The world was shut down and [00:28:00] so, you know, we, in some ways that was a huge blessing 'cause it kind of helped with the boundaries, right?
Where it was just like, okay, it's just us, you know? Mm-hmm. But I just remember talking and talking and overtalking with my kids about, everything they were feeling and, you know, wanting to, and they're all eight and under, so there was only so much that you could, they could understand, but just I was so worried about them and that felt so messy.
So I just remember trying to create, you know, adventures that were like COVID approved for them. And we did a lot of walking and bike rides and just a lot of talking. And then I remember putting them to bed and just not sleeping a whole lot during. That season and saving a lot of my grief for those midnight hours.
Mm. And so that rhythm felt messy, schedule felt messy, sleep felt messy. I think the whole world was messy because no one knew of, no one knew what was going on with the pandemic.
Homeschooling and Consistency
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Kristen Selby: I ended up homeschooling in 2021 just to keep my kids closer. And maybe just [00:29:00] have things, something be more consistent and so yeah, I think parenting got messy and I think something else that got messy was removing roles that I had taken a lot of confidence from.
Yeah. Any image that I had of being the mom that had it all together, I mean, in. A day had completely burned down.
Embracing Vulnerability
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Kristen Selby: And so just embracing this new vulnerability. Yeah. And that felt messy. And then really holding a mirror up to myself and asking myself like, okay, what is my role in this mess? Like that felt
Audra Dinell: Yeah.
Kristen Selby: Hard. And so, yeah, I think a lot that, that I'd say from 2020 to 2021 midway through was. A real hot mess.
Producer: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Audra Dinell: I mean, anyone who has kids, I mean, my boys are six and nine right now. It feels [00:30:00] messy. You're like, are we going to accomplish the goal? Are we going to keep them alive and help them become, thriving little good humans?
I don't know. TBD, it's messy right now. D, it's muddy.
Advice to 30-Year-Old Self
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Audra Dinell: Okay, so what would you tell your 30-year-old self who. You know, at 30 you're on a track. You might have thought, oh, I have this figured out. I know how life is gonna go. But didn't know this chapter was waiting. Mm-hmm.
Kristen Selby: Yeah, I think I would just, I wrote my notes down 'cause I, this one I loved, I love this question.
I would tell. 30-year-old Kristen. You will find your people, the people who see you deeply and know you through and through love does always win. Even when you doubt it will. You are doing enough. You are not difficult to love. You are not crazy. You feel like you're drowning now because you kind of are, but you are a good mom and your kids are going to be [00:31:00] okay because you are going to be okay.
Producer: Mm-hmm.
Kristen Selby: And so I think, you know, at 30 I was. I was kind of moving and manipulating the chess pieces of my life. That's how it felt. It was like, okay, I have to put this piece here and I don't play chess, so maybe this is a bad analogy, but I have to put this piece here in order for these pieces to be okay.
And so I was like mediating between, people in my life, my kids and my ex-husband, and my parents and my friends. And it was like exhausting, just hanging on to those chess pieces and making them work and making sure everyone was okay and making sure that everyone felt okay about me and about each other.
And that was so draining.
Letting Go of Control
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Kristen Selby: And so I think another message I would give myself at the time is like, you can let go of those chess pieces. Mm. Like you can let adults to be sure. Own their own stuff.
Audra Dinell: Mm.
Kristen Selby: Yeah. And I don't think I knew that I could do that. Yeah. I think if at that time, if you had told me that, [00:32:00] I would've said everything's gonna fall apart.
Audra Dinell: Yeah. You have to be the one to hold it together. Yes. The hook Yes. That you were playing in your head. That's right. If I don't hold it together, no one will. No one will.
Dealing with Your Own Issues
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Audra Dinell: I. Have a friend who told me, I wanna be closer friends with you, and here's the thing, I don't wanna be friends with people who haven't dealt with their own shit.
Mm-hmm. And I thought, oh my goodness, I've never had a friendship conversation like this. Yes. And it is just lovely.
Kristen Selby: Well, it's like when you are in relationship with people who do. Deal with their own shit. Because if, you're not dealing with your shit, it's going somewhere.
Audra Dinell: Yep, yep.
Kristen Selby: Spoiler alert, it's going on.
Spoiler alert. Usually the people that are closest to Yeah. Or random strangers, who knows? But it, it's spilling over somewhere. But when you are in relationship with someone, friendship, partnership, whatever it is that does own their own stuff and they don't expect you to. There's really no going back.
Mm-hmm. It's like you [00:33:00] recognize it. You know, I think the shift into my forties and then beyond, I just think your bullshit rate gets super sensitive. Mm-hmm. Where you're like, I am not, this is not something I want. Mm-hmm. This is not for me. I don't have the energy for this. Mm-hmm. And so that gets with each year, I just feel it getting more and more.
Sensitive and I, and I am thankful for that because what happens is you start to create this village around you that are emotionally mature and own their own things. And you don't have to worry what somebody's thinking or how somebody's feeling. Yeah. 'cause it's like I can trust that you would come to me and we can have that hard conversation if we need to.
Audra Dinell: Yeah. If, yeah. If that makes sense. You're so right. You don't have to double think about. What someone's thinking. That's a good way to say it. Yeah. I feel grateful to be part of your village. You are a hundred percent. Yeah. What would you say as last [00:34:00] thoughts to someone who is in the middle of a shift that they're not excited about, they didn't anticipate, they didn't initiate, whether it be a job role changing or the realization that life is not?
Going to go the way they had planned or a relationship ending. Mm-hmm. What one piece would you leave?
Kristen Selby: I love the expression, this is happening for me. Mm-hmm. This is for me. Mm-hmm. Not this is happening to me. Mm-hmm. And so that's something that I think about a lot. Like what lesson can I learn in this?
And even more than that, how can I take this by the reins and make it something really good? Because it's like you have agency to do that in any situation. Mm-hmm. And. If it's a, a situation that can't be made good, then you have the agency to leave. Mm-hmm.
Finding Your Rainbow Colors
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Kristen Selby: And that's a big lesson that I think my, my kids have learned through this is like if we talk about our, our rainbow colors, because when they were eight and and younger, that was a great way for me to say, you know, [00:35:00] in this situation, my.
Rainbow colors couldn't all shine as brightly. Mm. And so now we talk a lot about like, oh, you know, if, if my rainbow colors are not all shining brightly, then maybe this is not the right space for me. Yeah. Right. It's not anything wrong with me. It's where I am. Yeah. Needs to change or the people I'm around might need to change.
And so I think I did not give myself that option for many years, and I just want my kids to and anyone to know. You, you have the choice. Like you can, you can change environments. Yeah. And I know that's easier than said said, than done in, you know, career shifts. But I do feel like just reminding yourself that you have agency, this is your life.
You get to build it
Audra Dinell: and you are a rainbow. And you do deserve to shine brightly. And so find a space that you can do that in. Yes. Yes. 'cause it's there. It's there. You just have to find it. Mm-hmm.
Kristen Selby: Yeah.
Audra Dinell: Thank you friend.
Kristen Selby: Thank you for inviting me on. Of [00:36:00] course.
Audra Dinell: Love you.
Okay. Love you.