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Diagnosed with Complex Trauma and a Dissociative Disorder, Emma and her system share what they learn along the way about complex trauma, dissociation (CPTSD, OSDD, DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality), etc.), and mental health. Educational, supportive, inclusive, and inspiring, System Speak documents her healing journey through the best and worst of life in recovery through insights, conversations, and collaborations.
Over: Welcome to the System Speak Podcast,
Speaker 2:a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to longtime listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you.
Speaker 1:Well, guys, it's John and we're in a hotel and we came for therapy, but then it snowed, and then it was icing, and now that means we can't get home again. Except, guess what? Because we have to do all that travels, we have enough points. And if you have points, you can stay for free. And so we use our points, and we still get to be at the hotel where we can be safe because now time is safe, and so we get to stay at the hotel.
Speaker 1:I don't know how many days we but we get to stay at the hotel for this day. And here's what happened at therapy today. First of all, I want to see our therapist because I miss her a lot because we had snow days I did not even get to see her and it's hard when we do not get to see her. But Taylor was trying to to to therapy the first time ever, and she just tried to stay and talk to her. And I couldn't get to her for my turn even though I waited lots of times for my turn and lots of snows for my turn.
Speaker 1:But also, I listen, and she talk about she did not wanna come to therapy anymore because all of us are talking and writing the notebooks, and we had group and all of this. Except she said she came anyway because she knows that we're better because of it. And, like, there's things of our life that's better for because we go with therapy. Even though therapy sometimes is really hard. So we don't like when therapy is hard, except that's just part of the deal.
Speaker 1:You see? But guess what? I gotta tell you this. When finally I can get out for my turn because Taylor's finished, well, she finally finally finally she say, we can give our notebook to a therapist, the new notebook where we wrote about what we need and what we like and don't like and stuff like that. And, well, she finally I thought she was not going to give it or maybe tear it out or rip it up or burn it or something because Taylor did that before, but she did not.
Speaker 1:She gave it to the therapist. She did. I'm not even kidding. And then while the therapist was looking at it, then I could sneak out, and I could say, hi there, and I wanna talk to you about some things, and I miss you. And she missed me too, and she gave me a high five.
Speaker 1:You know what that is? A high five for doing our notebook with all of our letters in it about interviewing anyone who wants to talk about it in the notebook about all the things we like and don't like and where we are and stuff like that. And I told her all about group. And I said, I didn't talk at group, but we went to group four times in two weeks and had those group sessions. And we learned about stuff.
Speaker 1:And I told her all the things we learned, like about Christmas lights, and I told her about talking to each other, and I told her about we gotta be respectful, respectful, and I told her about all these things, and I got a high five. And she said that was really good work, and she said it was really good stuff in there. And I gave her the other notebook where we just write in about our days, and I gave it to her, and and I gave it to her and and told her that she wrote in there about group and the things we learn in group, and I got a high five. And she said everyone who wrote in the other notebook, the one about what is my name and how old am I, what do I like and what do I not like and what do I need and where am I and stuff like that. That notebook, everybody who wrote in there gets a badge.
Speaker 1:So that's really good news. A badge is like five high fives. You know? Like, it's such a good news. You did such a good job.
Speaker 1:And we talk about all these things in group, and we talk about even And I talked about all the things that were hard while we were gone, like how it was snowing and snowing and snowing, and that was really fun except I didn't get to come to therapy. And we talked about how and we talked about how the furnace went out. So our house was so cold, and you can't even fix it, but it was so cold until it was fixed. And we got a brand new furnace. Now I know how to fix a furnace.
Speaker 1:And we talked about group and all the things we learn in group. And we talked about salsa a little bit because I said if I were having a group, I would have salsa there. And I just was thinking about salsa because our appointment was for two hours. So at the end of my appointment, I was thinking a little bit about lunch and what will I get for lunch. And I got some sandwich, and on my sandwich, I got lettuce, and I got spinach, and I got tomatoes, and I got cucumbers, and I got green peppers and banana peppers, and I got a big sandwich of some vegetables, and I ate it at the hotel.
Speaker 1:But while I was at therapy, I was just thinking about my sandwich. I didn't have my sandwich yet. It was my sandwich was like future time, but in therapy, it was now time. But I was thinking about future time of my sandwich, but I did not really have salsa because I'm not at home. And my salsa is at home, not not at not at the hotel.
Speaker 1:So when I'm just in therapy, we talk about that a little bit, and now time is safe. And so one thing we keep forgetting that I gotta remember is that now time is safe. And you know what she told me? She told me that if well well, I remember the word, and I don't remember. But I forgot how she say it, but it's in the notebook.
Speaker 1:But she kept it, but we couldn't get it back, so I'm confused about it. But she said she said, if we see the parents, then we know it is memory time because in now time, the parents are dead. And they they are gone, and they can't get to us, and it's okay because now time is safe. So if we see her, then it's now time because she's real right now. And so I was thinking about it, and I was telling her about our Christmas lights inside and how I'm trying to help put up Christmas lights.
Speaker 1:And do you know what she said? She said that's the best idea. She said it's a good idea. She said I can do it. So what do you think about that?
Speaker 1:Except that except that here is something. It is that well, there's some I don't wanna say their names as I don't got permission. But there's one girl who is locked in her room. And there's another girl who is not locked in her room, but she's at the father's room downstairs. And I was telling her, the therapist, about our group, and when we learn in group, and how we can have a safe house inside or a new house inside where our neighbors lived that were good and that place over by the pasture.
Speaker 1:Well, I was telling her about this, and she said, even if we can't get them all the way over there right now, we can still rescue them so they don't we can still rescue them so that they're not by themselves. And, like, put up some Christmas lights, or or she said we could even get them all the way up to the attic where my room is, and we could have them up there just so that they're not alone. She said we can get them up there to the attic where I live. Even if even if we can't get them all the way over to the other house right now, we could get them out of their rooms so that they know they're not alone. Because they don't know the parents are dead.
Speaker 1:Sometimes I forget, but I do know, and the therapist does keep telling me, So I'm trying to remember, but she said we could tell those two girls, and we can go get them and bring them up with me and then and put Christmas lights up in the attic so it's not dark for them or me. And it's just an idea until we know how to get out of the house one step at a time, she said. But I said, I'm a little nervous about it because I really wanna to go down there to get them because it's scary down there. But she said, The parents are dead. And I said, Well, I can be sneaky and I can get down there, baby.
Speaker 1:And she said, we don't even have to be sneaky. We can even be loud because they're dead. And I said, oh, yeah. I keep forgetting. So I'm thinking about it, but I'm not sure because that's pretty scary.
Speaker 1:And, also, what if I don't know how? And I know that the one girl who is locked in her room, the lock is not on that thing. What is it called? I keep forgetting the word. Doorknob.
Speaker 1:It's not on the doorknob. It's at the top of the door. And, well, you know what the therapist said? She said, we can get a ladder. And I can use a hammer or a screwdriver or anything I want.
Speaker 1:I can have it inside and get that lock off. And I'm pretty strong, and I'm pretty good with the tools. So I'm thinking that's maybe a good idea if I can know how to do it. So I gotta talk to her, and I gotta think about how we can do it and see who wants to help me. But then guess what?
Speaker 1:She said in that notebook about all of us and what we like and what we don't like and what we need, what everybody got interviewed and we fill it out on paper. Well, that took a long time to do, but now we got a whole lot of people filling it out. And she said on one of those, one of the girls that's a grown up, she said she would go with me because she's not afraid nothing. So I said, well, I'm not afraid except kinda how I am, but I don't wanna think about being afraid because I'm not a scary cat, but I'm a little worried about it. But she said that she will go with me.
Speaker 1:So if we work together and if we work together and try to get this lock off and get those two girls up in the attic, well, I don't really know how to do that, but she said we just can if we want to. And she said we won't get caught, and nobody's gonna tell on us because they're dead. And so I gotta remember they're dead, and if they get scared or I get scared, I can just say they can't find us because they're dead. But I don't wanna get in trouble with Taylor. But Taylor's the one who gave the therapist a notebook, so maybe it doesn't matter.
Speaker 1:Except then later, the therapist was asking me some more questions about them girls, and I wanna talk about it. And I know some of the things, and the other things, I know who knows, and I could tell her that, but Taylor was watching me, and I was scared. I said I'm not a scary cat, but I don't know how you tell your therapist something even if you're really good buddies if they're just watching you to make sure you don't talk about things. Except we're learning how to talk about things. And so I was feeling a little bit bad because that therapist is my buddy, and we talk about things.
Speaker 1:But I wouldn't I wouldn't get in trouble for talking about things. So sometimes I just don't know. And I don't know if maybe I should tell her that we wouldn't get hurt for telling things. But if the parents are dead, that is better. But, also, some of them inside know if we're supposed to get in trouble for telling things.
Speaker 1:So I don't I don't know how to tell her about that first because because now time is safe, and we don't really wanna we don't we don't really wanna mess that up. Nothing like that. And she said we didn't even get them girls out of the woods. And I'm thinking I don't wanna go in the woods. I don't know what you're thinking, but that's what I'm thinking.
Speaker 1:I think we should just stay in the office and eat some salsa. I'm not thinking we ought to go traipsing around nowhere and messing things up. So I don't know what to do about that. But at the same time, I know that if now time is safe and that therapist, she's gonna help me, and I think she can keep us safe, maybe, that we gotta get them out of there because she's right. It's not fair that they're stuck back there.
Speaker 1:But well, it's just unpleasant. That's what that is. It's just unpleasant. I don't even know what else to say about it. How do we get all the way into them woods or all the way down the stairs past them men's and past, like, through the studio to the father's room where she's still there?
Speaker 1:But the therapist said, We're not getting our picture taken right now. And the therapist said, There's no men's here. I told her I saw some men at the hotel. They were drinking beer and playing poker. And I know who liked to drink some beer and play some poker.
Speaker 1:That'd be Sasha. But we did not drink some beer and play poker. I just walked us right around those men and got up that elevator fast as I could because now time is safe. And I'm thinking we don't need to be meeting men at the hotel playing poker and drinking beer. So I just got us upstairs, and I can do it because I can handle that big bag.
Speaker 1:And I got our bag unpacked, and I laid everything out or put it in a drawer so everybody can find their things. And our backpack, it looks like a backpack, but it's a diaper bag. I mean, we don't have no diapers, but it's got the teddy bear and some paints and some colors and some stuffies and some little toys and my cars and some different things in there. So I tried to stay focused and I try to talk about therapy, but mostly I was excited to see her because we feel better when we get to see her, and we do not feel so good when we do not. And we're trying to trying to hold it together, but there's some hard things.
Speaker 1:And sometimes we have to use up all of our time just trying to say out loud what we came to tell the therapist, and then therapy is already over because we spend our whole time thinking about it instead of saying it out loud. And doctor E said, you need to say it out loud. She doesn't live in here. And I laugh and I laugh because I could see the therapist's office in my head, like in my imagination, but she's not really there. So I can't talk to her when she's not there because she's on the outside.
Speaker 1:She's not on the inside, but sometimes it's confusing. So today, Taylor was gonna go, and first thing she was gonna tell her was today is not a day to touch us for, you know, like a hug or something. She don't hug everybody, but I like a hug alright. And sure enough, I saw her and I wanted my hug. And so right before Taylor can even tell her not to, I got it, but I wasn't stealing it.
Speaker 1:I just mean because I miss her a lot, and it's been really hard. So when you have a friend, and it's been really hard and you wait a long time to see them, when you finally see them, you're pretty excited about it. You know? And so I really was excited, and I want to see her. But what what how can I do that when when everything just doesn't work like that?
Speaker 1:When all of us trying to take turns or what's gonna happen if we get those girls out there? I don't even know. I don't even know, but I guess we're about to find out.