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We are Meredith and Mishelle and together, we are flipping the script on what it means to be an IT girl. Each week we will be discussing topics and questions submitted by YOU, our audience, as we navigate life's challenges together.
Mishelle Kost (00:01)
Hey, fabulous people, I'm Meredith. And I'm Michelle. And together we're here to flip the script on what it truly means to be the It Girl. That's right. Whether you're rocking the runway or embracing the messy bun life, no matter your size, ethnicity, or state of your sweats, you are It. We're diving deep into the realness of life, celebrating the victories, navigating the failures, and sometimes not having a clue while doing it all.
We've got battle scars, heartbreaks, contagious laughs, and an unbreakable bond of love for each other. Join us every week as we unwrap different topics and answer questions brought to us by our amazing audience. That's you. Get ready for a fresh dose of perspective that'll make you think, laugh, and maybe even shed a tear. We're on this journey together, growing, crying, laughing, and fighting for one another, because that's what being an It Girl is all about.
So send us your burning topics and thought provoking questions through our website, itgirllife .com or drop us a line directly at hello at itgirllife .com. Let's make every moment count, embrace the chaos and live our best it girl lives.
Mishelle (01:05)
All right, hey everyone, welcome to episode three. We're really excited to be back with you today. Today we're gonna be talking about boundaries. So the episode title for today is Boundaries, They're Saving You, You Know. So before we get into boundaries and all of the fun things about that, we are gonna start off with our icebreaker question. So today's question is brought to you by Meredith. It is, would you rather always be two hours early?
or 20 minutes late. So Meredith, what's your preference, late or early?
Meredith (01:41)
My preference is always early, annoyingly so. Always early. And I would tell you two hours does not seem like a stretch for me to be mentally prepared to go to a place, even though I know it's only 10 minutes away. Have it already pulled up on MapQuest, have the route I'm gonna drive. I have to be prepared or my anxiety is at such a high level that I'm...
Mishelle (01:44)
I'm sorry.
Meredith (02:10)
always, always early. And I'll just sit in my car and read.
Mishelle (02:15)
And be comfortable. In peace. I think for me, I'm kind of the same way. So I'm not a big planner in general. Like when it comes to like vacations or like wanting to go out or figuring out what to eat, I feel like I'm the opposite of you in terms of the level of planning. In case you all didn't know, Meredith's about to go on a big trip overseas and she has this giant folder and everything's tabbed out. She has all these beautiful things in there.
Meredith (02:16)
and be comfortable.
Mishelle (02:43)
And it's amazing. And I look at that and I'm like, never in my life would I ever be that prepared for anything. And I think when it comes to showing up somewhere on time or late, I do take a lot of planning into consideration. So if I need to go somewhere, I do look to see how long is it gonna take me to get there? What time do I need to leave my house? How long is it gonna take me to get ready so I can leave on time?
because being on time is important to me. I don't necessarily think I would want to arrive two hours early, but I definitely want, I'm like you, I definitely want to get there early so that I can be in peace because when I sense that I'm going to be late, anxiety starts to creep up and I feel really stressed about being late only because, and this could be potentially the people please hearing me, but I feel a sense of, oh my gosh, I'm going to let this person down.
I'm not showing up at the time I said I would be there and they're expecting me at that time and I don't want to waste their time. So I think that's what causes this stress. So for me, it's for sure early, not two hours early, but definitely early.
Meredith (03:50)
question in your culture is being early a thing because in my culture in the Philippine culture You have to tell people to be there an hour an hour earlier and say the party starts at five when you really know it starts at six in order for them to arrive by 630 or seven that it has been the I ask any Filipino person that is that culture and that mentality and
Mishelle (04:10)
You
Meredith (04:17)
I don't know how, and my family very much was that we're on Filipino time. That's what we say. But no, no.
Mishelle (04:24)
Yeah, I mean, I've heard that before and I love that you're like, I refuse to fall into that stereotype, but okay, great. So you're falling into the other one. But for me, I don't know if that's a thing for Korean culture, Korean people. I've never really heard that before for like, in that sense. I know for me, it's personally, my mom is the daughter of a...
Meredith (04:30)
Yeah, well I also have flight. Yeah.
Mishelle (04:51)
general in the Korean army and so she is always telling me that she is on army time like she's always like army style we got to put like if you need to take that to school the next day or to work the next day you put it by the door or if somebody tells you to go do something you do it now like army style army style so she's always I would say my mom is probably more the person who's two hours early if I tell her she needs to go somewhere to pick up something at 2 30 she's texting me at 145 I'm here and I'm like mom.
Meredith (05:19)
Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.
Mishelle (05:21)
I said 230. Like 145, way too early, can't get down there. I said 230. So yeah, again, I don't know if it's a culture thing, but in my own personal family culture, it was, you are early to everything. So.
Meredith (05:37)
Yeah, I think I want to hang out with your mom.
Mishelle (05:41)
You would love her, yeah? A lot of people want to hang out with my mom. She's wild.
Meredith (05:43)
Oh, man. Well, I really hope people do share not only if they're early or late in the aspect in our comments or, you know, in our social media platforms, but also what is your cultural norm to it? Does that take into effect anything that you guys want to share? We'd love to hear it. But hopping into this episode's topic and question was really interesting by one of the folks that submitted it.
And it is, how have you been able to manage a work -life boundary throughout your career? I think this is really exciting. I'm really excited to hear your take, Michelle, because I think you and I have come from different backgrounds and personal experience with this question. So what are some good tips that you might have on not...
bringing work home with you and or creating and managing a work -life balance.
Mishelle (06:45)
Okay, great question. Love it. I think it's something that I have worked on for a long time and have to say that I'm still working on it. But it is something that is of value to me because I love work, but I also love my life and I want things to feel fluid. I don't want it to feel like very disjointed. I know that there's people.
who feel like their work and life are very separate, two different things. But for me, I wanted to all feel sort of integrated. Like work and life is all this one big giant integration. And at the same time, I do feel like it is important to create a boundary, especially in that sense, because I think when you integrate your work and your life together and it's all like just one big life, it can start to bleed over and get a little out of control. So it is important to put.
some separation between the two. One of the things that I do practically to allow me to leave work at work and be present at home is just knowing what I need to do to release all the things going through my head. So I don't know about you, Meredith, but for me, what keeps me...
disconnected from being present at home is if I am constantly thinking about the million things I have to do, whether it's the next day or that week, or it's just the to -do list. The constant ever -ending to -do list is what keeps my mind up or keeps me awake at night. So one thing that I have put into practice that works for me is at the end of every day, I just do a big giant brain dump, whether that's in an email draft to myself or,
if I'm writing it down on a piece of paper, whatever it may be. So I will just type out everything that still needs to get done the next day. So whether I got anything done that day, then I'll take a list in stock of, okay, well, what do I need to get done tomorrow or the rest of the week that needs to like come out of my brain and onto this piece of paper? So I physically are taking it out of my brain, getting it onto a piece of paper, and that allows me to release.
my mindset around it because I won't forget it. It's right there. I can come back to it tomorrow and pick back up where I left off, but I don't need to go home and constantly be thinking about it because I've left it there. Like energetically and physically, I've left it there by writing it down or typing it out. So that's one thing that I do. And the second thing I do is I read all my emails before I leave. And I know that that sounds crazy.
because I know that there's like two different camps. I feel like there's the people who have a hundred plus emails in their little bar that's bolded. For me personally, that gives me anxiety. I have to have it at zero. So I will go through. Now there are days where I can't get to everything, but I'll at least scroll through and read the first, like, you know, the little intro.
in there just to see if there's anything that needs immediate response. Like do I need to respond to that right now? Does it need to go to my to -do list list? I just get like oriented with my emails because again, that's another area that can keep me from being present at home is what's going on in my email box. So that's another thing that I do. And then the last thing I'll do is I'll look at my calendar, like the last thing I do before I leave is I'll look at my calendar for the next day to make sure that I have everything I need or I'm set up for the next day.
that way I like start off the morning, like kind of already knowing what I'm gonna walk into. So those are the three things that really keep me present. It keeps work and life separate to a degree while still allowing me to integrate the two. So, you know, those are my things that I do. That's like where I put the boundary is like, okay, it is intermingled, but the boundary is when I'm at home, I don't wanna be thinking about my to -do list.
I don't know, what about for you, Meredith, what do you do?
Meredith (10:55)
Yeah. Well, one, I have a really great appreciation for learning a little bit more about you. We've worked together in the past and I wouldn't have gathered that you function the same way I do a lot of those things similarly. I make sure, you know, day to day, week over week that I'm pre -planned. I don't think anybody would have guessed any different of my personality style.
But what I think is interesting for me is it's the hardest to set boundaries with myself because I've worked in an organization and an industry that I was always on call 24 seven. And there were some really critical aspects if I didn't answer the phone 24 seven holidays, weekends, whatever that something could have happened. So I have learned some really bad habits and behaviors of separating work.
Mishelle (11:42)
Yeah.
Meredith (11:49)
and life, but then you also have to think I was going to school full -time, working a critical job full -time that had this on -call structure, and then also my mom. And so I've always worked in a manner of chaos that I'm having now coming into 40 and starting this new career and this new path.
of setting boundaries with myself to say, let it go, it's not as pressing, nothing is critical, someone's life isn't on the line or you're not going to be called at two in the morning because something's going on and you're not gonna miss a paper and you're not gonna miss an email. I still practice the same things that you're saying and trying to give myself. I think it's difficult for me to set the boundaries and expectations.
when I've laid an entire foundation of my life for 17 years that operated in critical, unrealistic expectations with no boundaries and no personal space of what is work and critical and what should I bring home? And.
Mishelle (12:54)
Yeah.
Meredith (12:55)
That's where I think it's interesting. And I don't know that I'm the expert to give advice on setting boundaries on a work -life balance because we have no kids, right? We no longer, my mother has passed away and my husband also now works in a critical constant job that luckily isn't overnight, isn't 24 seven, but things of that nature. So.
That's where I think the whole boundaries and keep it and creating boundaries because you've given people a really great foundation on how to create a separation. But I think through setting boundaries and expectations, not only with yourself, but with others are what are acceptable because the minute you allow them to penetrate and infiltrate your sanctuary and your sacred space, that opens the door for them to continuously do it.
And so being strong enough to set those appropriate boundaries with people who are using it.
Mishelle (13:54)
Yeah, yeah, I know what you mean. Like another boundary that I will set is like, I'm not going to email my team or other people beyond like seven o 'clock. I just won't, you know, sometimes it'll be like, even if it's something critical, I'm like, there's nothing they can do about it right now. Like no one is at work. So.
Meredith (14:05)
Mm -hmm.
Yeah.
Mishelle (14:16)
I'll wait, and if I feel like I have to get it out, because it's in my brain and it's gonna keep me from being present, then I'll do a quick draft and I'll save it and the first thing the next morning, I'll send it. Or even in your email box, you can time emails to go out at a certain time, so just like write whatever you need to write and then time it for another send in the morning. But I mean, you brought up a good point about boundaries and how it's hard for you to even.
Meredith (14:33)
Mm -hmm.
Mishelle (14:41)
set like a work -life balance because for you, you're saying, at least this is what I heard you say, is that you don't have anything really keeping you from working 24 hours a day. And if you wanted to, you could. So, and obviously, I bet you there's a lot of people who are in that boat too, especially like single people or people who work from home, I think have a really hard time like really separating like work from life. So what have you done, I guess, to help you?
Meredith (14:52)
Mm -hmm.
Mishelle (15:11)
like as you're learning a boundary between the two, especially now that you're stepping into more of like this entrepreneurial role for yourself.
Meredith (15:18)
I think creating a space and a framework that makes sure that your identity, yes, you're driven, you want a bigger career, you know you have to hustle to get to the next step, to get that promotion, to be recognized, to learn the things, but also not to let life pass you by in a manner where you're turning down relationships or going out with your friends or connecting better with a partner or your friends or your family.
because work is interfering. I think that's what I learned probably way too late, which is unfortunate. And I find that out because people will call or have called and said, hey, I know you're busy, but I just wanted to talk to you about X. And I don't think that they anticipated for that to have such a reaction in me. And I can't correct it now.
Mishelle (15:56)
Hmm... Yeah.
Meredith (16:12)
I can't go back and say, hey, I'm no longer busy. Let's recreate the relationship you wanted five, 10 years ago when you thought I was too busy for you. And that's a hard pill to swallow when, you know, like even taking care of my, I don't want anybody else to feel like I put things above them like work because we'll always make money. We'll always be able to strive. I'm 40 starting a new chapter. It's not the end. And you.
Mishelle (16:21)
Oh man. Mm -hmm.
Meredith (16:40)
I'm not just find a great balance between your goals and your belief of what your success looks like, but not at the compromise of the people that you care about or want to care about and really intentionally pour into that. And so an example I would give of that is I know that my husband's career is important to him. He knows that my career is important to me, but we carve out at least an hour or two hours of uninterrupted.
eating dinner, intentionally have good conversations, knowing each other better, phones are off the table, on silent time together and make sure that that is a priority. So that would be an example that I would give.
Mishelle (17:20)
Yes. Yeah, that's great. It's like knowing what your yes is, what your no's are. It's having an understanding. I guess the first step is like, okay, I want to set boundaries. I don't even know where to start. I think you could start by getting to know, like you said, get to know yourself. Like what are your own parameters around what you want? So it sounds like you were like, okay, what's really important to me is time with my husband.
Meredith (17:26)
Yeah.
Yeah.
Mm -hmm.
Mm -hmm.
Mishelle (17:47)
So I'm gonna put a boundary around that to protect that time. And like, I'm not gonna let work bleed into this personal time with my husband. So I think, yeah, I think the advice would be get to know yourself. What's your yes, what's your no? What are the expectations that you want to give, like set for other people around how you spend your time? And like, maybe it is like, hey, I'm not gonna respond to emails past 5 p .m. Like you could tell your team that.
Meredith (18:10)
Mm -hmm.
Mm -hmm.
Mishelle (18:16)
And like that's a boundary you're setting. And at the same time, and I won't email you beyond 5 p .m. So that's one way you could do it. Another tool I'll share is, this is different. Now we're moving into a boundary related to your emotions. And how do you separate your emotions from somebody else? Or how do you put a boundary between you and another person when...
Meredith (18:19)
you
Mm -hmm.
you
Mishelle (18:43)
it's really easy to start collapsing. So maybe it's like a relationship with you and a parent or relationship with you and a spouse or a partner, or maybe it's you and a really close friend. The tool is a Lightyear leadership tool, which is the leadership certification that I'm certified to teach. And it's called IAMUR. And it's one of my favorite tools because it really helps separate, like the area that I have to work on is because I'm such a feeler,
Meredith (18:43)
you
Mishelle (19:12)
in slash a recovering people pleaser, I have to be careful to not like wanna fix other people's emotions. Like I want people to be happy. It's just like a thing for me. And I have to remind myself like their happiness is not my responsibility. And this tool really helps me separate the two. So it's I am, and it's just a palm facing this way. And then you are.
Tom to facing out and it's just like I am and you are and it just like that motion creates space between you and the other person. And that space is so critical because in that space between you and them, it allows for that person to be who they are and be in their emotions and then allows me to allow them to be who they are and be in those emotions and I can still be me.
and I don't have to react or change or try to fix. I can just like let the two things be there and let the space be there to allow for more love and care and support. Because I think, like for example, like let's say you have a spouse who comes home and is having a hard day in a bad mood.
Are you immediately affected by that person's mood? And then are you immediately going into, I wanna fix it. And then you can't fix it, so then you're upset and then you get angry and then you're upset that they're upset. And then it turns into a whole fight. And this person, your spouse doesn't feel supported, you're exhausted. That's where the I am you are boundary could really support in being a better partner or a supportive friend or whatever it may be because.
Meredith (20:49)
Mm -hmm.
Mishelle (21:03)
then it's just like, oh, I see you're in a bad mood or had a hard day. How can I help you? Instead of like getting in that boat or, you know, let's say somebody is dealing with a loss and they're really grieving. It allows you to grieve with them without like taking on their sadness. Does that make sense? Like, have you been in that situation before where you're like the emotional states are like bleeding together?
Meredith (21:30)
Yeah, I honestly, I appreciate that you're saying specifically that tool because this is my biggest struggle and I'm going to be open and honest with everybody that I am respectful of our society boundaries, right? Like hugging and stuff like that. Well, maybe not as respectful. People like to hug. I don't like to hug. I'm getting better. But, but I think that it's more along the lines of.
Mishelle (21:54)
You are getting better.
Meredith (21:59)
I read every spoiler to every movie or book I'm about to read so that I don't get as emotionally invested in things because I have to regulate or feel, I feel like I have to regulate my emotional capacity because I feel too much. And I've always given off the presence that I'm robotic and I don't wanna feel and I have like, but that's just.
The reason why I'm saying that as a boundary is that's not a healthy way to be and to understand. So I'm still practicing the methods and the teaching that you're saying right now, but the boundaries should be in place to be respectful for both of us so that we each have a mutual understanding on how this relationship will thrive. And so I'll use it more so as you learn and as you grow in a.
like a spouse or a significant other relationship, that's probably some of the hardest boundaries that you're going to continue to have to draw the line, reinforce the lines. It's very easy for me to set professional boundaries where I'm like, this is the expectation, this is the line, you can't cross it. Whether you're my boss or whether I'm your boss, these are what I offer and here's what the expectations are.
Mishelle (22:54)
As well.
So yeah.
Meredith (23:18)
but it is a negotiation still. I'm open to hear what works best for you and continue to collaborate. So from a boundaries perspective, it's something that you will continually grow, your boundaries will change, but your question directly from an emotional capacity, I don't know how to be anything but an extension of what you're feeling.
Except for if it's in a critical situation, that I'm a pillar of strength and tap down and kind of box my emotion and not, because I am, if people are experiencing high joy, I can't experience high joy, but I'm extremely grateful to be in the presence of people that can experience high joy. We come into people that are just so bubbly and the sky is purple and blue.
Mishelle (23:46)
Hmm.
Mm -hmm.
Meredith (24:12)
And in rainbows, and I love that, I am never going to be that person. I'm never going to have that. But I know that there's a really strong respect for people that can feel those emotional high highs and the emotional low lows. And I just have to be honest and say, I'm in the middle and I always have to control the environment. And so if you, Michelle, like say there was a fire, your immediate response is to panic.
Mishelle (24:35)
Yeah.
Meredith (24:39)
My immediate response is to make sure that you no longer panic and I get us out of there safely. Like that's who I am from that.
Mishelle (24:46)
Yeah, but in that moment, I think you are practicing I am you are because instead of then because I'm panicking, then you're panicking. You're immediately, I guess, like unconsciously setting this boundary of like, okay, you're panicking and I'm gonna get us out of here. Which is great. Yeah. And again, like I just wanna share too.
Meredith (24:50)
Yeah.
Mm -hmm.
Yeah, yeah, and I'm gonna try to stop your pain right. Well, yeah, so...
Mishelle (25:10)
Like just to be clear everyone, I'm also still working on this and this is definitely still my area of opportunity. Not perfect, not great at it. I mean, all the time I am allowing myself to be impacted by other people's emotions. And it's a constant like, oh, why am I reacting this way to this person because they're feeling X? It's like, like the one area that I really need to work on is because I'm so optimistic.
Meredith (25:23)
Mm -hmm.
Mishelle (25:39)
it like, I almost get irritated if other people aren't as enthusiastic and optimistic. It's an issue. Like it is a problem. Like I can't, and especially as a leader, I think it's hard. At least I know from like feedback I've gotten is that, Hey, it's hard when I'm, it feels like I'm expected to get on board very quickly because you're pushing me because of your enthusiasm, your optimism and your like excitement that I then have to get on board.
Meredith (25:44)
Mm -hmm.
Mm -hmm.
Mishelle (26:08)
And that was a really good feedback for me because it was like, oh, wow, I don't want to push people to get there. I think I need to just recognize like, okay, this is how I'm feeling and I don't need to make everyone else feel this way too. And it's okay if people are grappling through something or in a bad mood. Like everyone doesn't have to be high joy as you call it, just because I'm high joy all the time. Like I don't need to have everyone be at high joy, but sometimes I can expect that. So I don't know, things I'm working on.
Meredith (26:20)
Yeah.
Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. I know, and that is just such a great point that we are a continuing motion of learning and experience and growing and evolving every day. And that's it. That's it. And I think going back to the main question and why we evolved it to setting boundaries for yourself is you have to learn yourself. You have to understand what you're willing to compromise, what's important.
Mishelle (26:49)
I mean, that's the it girl life. That's the it girl life. Yeah.
Meredith (27:04)
How do you identify that within yourself? Because you can have a really promising strong career and also not compromise your relationships or your partnerships with yourself, your mental health, your emotional health, your physical health, and the people that you choose to have in your life. And so I think that learning and the boundaries that we're trying to tell you is...
Set them as early as you can. They will continue to change, continue to practice them. And don't be afraid to use your voice and learn and discover new boundaries or change the lines and old boundaries that you created because that's it. Like, you know, that's what we're trying to achieve. They will change, right? I'm accepting hugs now. If you've known me and I never gave you a hug and declined a hug, come back now. I'll hug you. Like...
Mishelle (27:40)
Yeah, that's a good one. Yeah, they change.
I can attest to that. And I told Meredith the other day, you're just a huggable person. I'm sorry. I'm glad you've shifted that boundary because when I see you, I want to hug you. So I'm glad you shifted that because I don't think I would have been able to handle the no hugging role.
Meredith (28:02)
you
Yeah.
Well, I'm still I'm still growing I'm already just hot and sweaty thinking about the next time someone's gonna hug me but Well, I mean just to summarize I think this is really important topic I'm so glad that the question came through but boundaries are essential in every aspect of your life and we want to make sure that from person to person they differ but you respectfully communicate and
Mishelle (28:18)
I'm gonna hug you after this episode.
Meredith (28:40)
own your own boundaries. And then just remember that it is your way of protecting yourself and it will be uncomfortable to continue to shift into that. And through this, and this is what I'm learning the most, is practicing self -compassion and self -understandings without feeling the guilt or selfishness in that process. So, tune in.
Mishelle (29:04)
Yeah, yep.
Meredith (29:08)
Cause I don't know where this is going, but.
Mishelle (29:09)
Yeah.
But again, they're saving you. So practice, so do them. So just do it is really the biggest thing is just try. You might mess up. It might get messy. Some people might not like it and you'll figure it out along the way.
Meredith (29:14)
You're saving you. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, everything is something we're going to figure out along the way. And if you have any other topics, we just want you to make sure that you submit your burning questions at our website, it girl life dot com or send us an email at hello at girl life dot com. You can always find us on our social media platforms on Instagram. So it girl life podcast.
Bye.