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Almost every couple, even Christian couples, lives together before marriage. The reasons are many but what does God think? In this message, Pastor Tim Glende takes a fresh look at a topic that affects every church and every family.
The episodes are the weekly sermons from 922 Ministries (St. Peter and The CORE) of Appleton, Wisconsin.
Happy Holy Home
Week 2 - St Peter
Pastor Tim Glende
All right. Well, welcome back. To those of you were here with us for week number one, if you weren't, you can catch it online. We talked about the action plan. God has for husbands and wives, what? It looks like to have a thriving marriage that's blessed by God, a Happy Holy Home. And as I started last week, if you weren't here, I talked about having that is the dream of just about everyone, if you think back to the dream of meeting Mr. Right. Getting married, the home and happiness. It's something that hasn't really changed me. 90% of people are still at some point in this life going to get married to someone. Well, there are a lot more single people now than ever before. Marriage is still desired by almost everybody.
But the path to the Happy Holy Home. That the dream that I talked about last week of every little girl who had her dollhouse and played with them, how to get there is changed.
When you look at the stats and there are a whole lot of stats, when it comes to marriage and how things have changed the census for in 2018, that was done, tells us this that 40 years ago, the percentage of 60% of young, people were married between the ages of 18 and 34. So, 18 to 34 year-olds, sixty percent of them were married, but the most recent census said, it's now half of that. Like that age group used to get married at two times the rate it is currently. Why is that?
I think a lot of people have grown up in a generation where they have seen, Not that. Like they've seen a broken home, they've seen divorce, they've seen a whole lot of mess, and the whole and not a lot of happy. And it's causing them to stop and pause because they still want it. Everyone does. How you get there is different.
But did you know that from 1964 to 1970 for, I got my stats right in that timeframe of during that era, only eleven percent of women cohabitated and lived with their future spouse. Before marriage, 11% 1 in 10. I can talk to somebody who left church on Thursday night, has been married 67 years. And his words were, I knew nobody, nobody who ever did that. You know what the number is today? Not even today, a decade ago. I think it's gone up higher. Seven out of ten. Seven out of ten women live together with the person they are dating may be engaged to, they live with them before they are married.
And there are some of you who are in here today and I probably heard this or grew up with this. That the church, the pastor that you had the catechism instruction, you had told you right up front. Living together before you're married is sinful.
Most Christians don't even believe it's sinful.
Like, 85 percent of Americans would say, living together before you're married is acceptable.
Seventy-five percent of Catholics and Protestants, which Lutheran's are a Protestant religion base, 75 percent of them say acceptable.
Like something has shifted. We're 40 years ago, only one in ten was cohabitating to now. We're nearly everyone is and, and it's Thumbs Up by, not just unchurched but church people. So you got to tell me we have to figure out, not just why, but what's the truth? Why the shift? What does God want us to say on the topic of a God? Have us, know about the topic? Because a lot of people have shifted to that and they believe in my mind that will bring them and get them, the happy home.
So I pray you'll do for me today is allow God to speak to you. Allow the research and insights from stats of experts who are not Pastor Tim and not my opinion but studies. What are the stats and what do the scriptures say about living together and the happy Holi home?
But before we get into, and I want to start with that home, the one God founded and what marriage is. Like we need to understand and I hope you're all willing to accept and agree with me that dating, engagement and marriage are different. Can I get that? Can you believe that? There's some of you here, who don't? Like in some people's minds, till the day, once you get engaged, you are married. Like you might believe that you might be that committed, but that's not the same thing. Engagement is a custom. Engagement changes in culture and time engagement can be broken, engagement is not ordained by God and breaking one is not sinful. So those three things are different. We have to understand what marriage is to help us get insight on living together. What God speaks into what he wants us to know about it. So let's start there, Genesis 2 last week, I talked about how God saw it wasn't good for Adam to be alone. He designed us to do life together. Here's the end of Genesis chapter 2, after Eve was created Adams final words were, this is bone of my bones Flesh of My Flesh. She shall be called woman for she was taken out of man. God inspired Moses to write the very words. He heard Moses speak, and then God inspired Moses to give us a summary statement what marriage is.
That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife and they become one flesh. If you want a definition for marriage, what takes place when you reach that point, what is, what is God's definition of it? It's simply these three things, leave, cleave and we've fancy memorable, write them down. And here's why it matters: leaving is your primary relationship if of parent and child is now changed. Once you get married, this is now the primary relationship. Your spouse, the person you are marrying becomes, number one responsibility, you leave, that is primary and this becomes primary, you cleave. You are united together, the Hebrew word means stuck together.
We've cleave promises, we've intimacy. Physical, spiritual, emotional. And God's design for that biblically. Speaking on the pages of Scripture, only comes at the point. Of leaving, cleaving, then you weave?
And that's what makes marriage different.
God designed it in reserves for it intimacy.
But there's a whole lot more than makes marriage different.
It's the only one when you date, someone you make no vows to them. When you're engaged to someone, you give them a ring. But there's no public ceremony and vows are spoken. Only marriage has that Only one of them requires, a legal action to do it and undo it. Like, it's just different. God says so the world says so we need to say so You date, someone to figure out, could they be the one you get engaged to someone? Because you believe they're the one. And when you get married, they become the one united to their different.
And that matters because somewhere along the way from dating to marriage, our world now has inserted cohabitating, living together.
In order to figure out is it right? Or is it wrong? Is it good? Is it bad? Is it wise? Is it unwise? What does God say on it? We need to answer and wrestle with some questions here they are. Here's what I want to. Hopefully answer for you today because I think that the questions in play that we need to wrestle with. And understand first, is it wrong biblically? Is it wrong? Like some of you got hammered, when you were younger that and instill that simply living together before, you're married is sinful. That's all they said. That's what they said. And they put it that simple. How many of you heard that, right? All right.
Well, you're a pastor's kid. So it's wrong biblically.
And is it why spiritually?
I’m going to say something that I need you to hear and don't judge me. But simply living together with someone of the opposite sex under the same roof is not biblically wrong. Or sinful.
Some of you're going. I'm out of here. Like this pastor. Don't know what he is talking about. Well, here's what you need to understand. If it was wrong, then there'd be a whole lot of 922 kids who go off to colleges all around our world who live on the same floor of dormitories shower. In the same rooms, boys, and girls, they walk around in their towels all the time under the same roof. If it was wrong, they'd be sinning.
Surprise.
I can't say it's wrong.
If it was wrong, then I have sinned. Like in my first year here at 1:51. I had someone call me up and say, Pastor, I need to talk to you. They came in, they talked to me and this young lady said, my mom told me it's wrong for me to live with that boy, instead, it's sinful, you go talk to the pastor about that. I'm like, okay, well, this could be fun. So I have some questions to figure out what's going on. Finally got to the point where I said, like, are you dating this boy? Are you attracted to this young man? And literally, with disgust on her face like she was going to? Well, you understand, she looked at me and said, no, I am not attracted to him. Never I'm like, we're good. You can live with them, your friends. I know that self it just can't be wrong.
But is it because our part of it is it possible, is it wise? I want to answer that question for you. I want to give you two takeaways. I want to give you some practical truths. I want you to see some scripture what God has put on your heart if you're considering this. If this is your case in life, right now, if this is something that pops up in your life in the future, those of you who are teenagers and college kids, you might date. Somebody who says Hey The Next Step, the logical step is for us to shack up and move in. I hope you come back to this sermon and remember is it why is it wrong?
Because I want you to have a Happy Holy Home.
Does living together get us that? Now, all the reasons that people give, worldly reasons, people give for living together would tell you. That they're doing it because they want are looking for hoping to have a happy home. I love them is the number one reason I want to spend more time with them. I can't live without them. I need to see them everyday. It makes me happy.
How about this one? This doesn't just work for 20-somethings or 30. Something to think about it. This works for 60 somethings in 70 something's. It’s good stewardship. I can save some money. And who is isn't made happy when we save money? Amen.
It's convenient. I can save time like we live so far apart. If I lived it with you, it'll be 20 minutes closer. I can get to work sooner, you'll make me happy. Maybe you had a kid and you want your kid to be happy and while you're committed to that and you're not fully committed to each other, you want happiness in your home like every last logical reason human beings come up with including this one. We need to figure out if we're compatible because we don't want to blow it. We don't want to get divorced. We don't want it to end tragically like others that we may be seen. We want to be happy and this is our way to figure it out. Every one of them every human reason in the end of the day is just that.
From love to savings to convenience to figuring it out, logically the brick human brain. Why 85% think it's okay? Why? So many have shifted that way? Is they want a happy home and they believe this will get them there.
Like, if you live together before you're married, you'll figure out if that person is right. So you can get out if it's wrong.
And there are probably some of you who think that's true.
All the logic says, Those things make sense especially the one like let's make sure it's going to work before we take the plunge.
I need you to hear two things, stats and scripture to get an answer. The stats are this in 2019, Pew Research said this about cohabiting couples versus married couples. They compared them. They asked a whole bunch of questions and marry couples outpaced percentage-wise from positive ratings. Cohabiting people in every category of the survey from intimacy to trust to selflessness, to chores, two kids, and in every category physical emotional,
Relationally based, married couples rated their lives as better than cohabitating in all those areas.
Pastor Tim, that is a religious survey you guys made up those numbers to convince us otherwise. Well, let me give you a survey from UCLA, which is not a Christian School. It is a college on the West Coast. And they did a study on cohabitation and people who got married, after living together and their study found this, cohabitate errs experience, significantly more difficulty in their marriages, with adultery, alcohol and drugs.
There's more cheating and there's more substance abuse. Now, none of those things are Happy Home, are they?
Here's one last survey, not a Christian one, two researchers studied marriages and cohabitation, they said this in 2018 release these results. Cohabitation before marriage was associated with a lower risk of divorce. In the first year of marriage.
But every year beyond that a much higher one. Like the first year. Those people stuck it out maybe because they had been together a little while. But once you cross the one, your threshold people who live together got divorced at a higher rate than people who didn't cohabitate
I'm not making that stuff up.
Is it wise the world will tell you? Not if you want a happy home.
And God will tell you that too. My God says this about marriage. It is a different kind of relationship. It's not a contract, it's a covenant look again, at Ephesians 5, each one of you must love his wife as he loves himself and the wife must respect her husband. You first is the Covenant of marriage. You first is the promise God calls people to in marriage and cohabitating along the way. It'll make me happy has nothing to do with you first. It has everything to do with me.
It's a contract.
Like your Verizon contract. And when your data plan and your costs and their phone offerings aren't as good as the other one, you can get out of it.
I'm just telling you that is not.
Me first is not happy. You first is blessed.
So here's what I would have you consider and remember, like, just based on the stats just based on the scripture. If we don't even get into right and wrong, we just talked about marriage and living together. All those things, like if we don't get into anything beyond, just the reality of it, if you want to be happier, the stats would tell you scripture would tell you, wait, Wait. If you want a happy home, WaitI know it'll be harder.
It might cost you money and you won't see the person you are so in love with and it might be inconvenient but you will be happier.
Because when the Covenant comes first, before the living together, when things go bad, when they don't pick up after themselves, when, when they're not quite the person, you thought they would be, you don't run away. You work together? That's Godly. That's worth waiting for.
You want to be happier, wait. But what about holy? Like Pastor Tim? Come on. What about holy is living together? Spiritually wise, is it wrong? See, here's the thing.
Like, I don't live under a rock.
I know the world. And so, do you?
And the reality is that 99% of people who cohabitate are in a relationship and are already intimate.
Like most people who move in together before they get engaged or even after they're, engaged are already cleaving and weaving physically.
I give you can look me in the face. Same living with my girl. We got separate bedrooms Pastor Tim, like, I don't sleep with her. We are not sexually active. I am not intimate with her. Like if you can tell me that if you want, to be honest about that, God knows that but the odds are good and I'm not believing the worst of you. It just is reality.
And if that's the case, God has a whole lot to say about that.
Because here's the thing. At the end of the day, this just isn't about living together. This is, well God and how uniquely designed you. God and the gift of sex and intimacy that he longs for in marriage and the blessing that he knows it can be when husband and wife share that together in that Covenant relationship, like this about God, and all of that. And there are a whole lot of ways that we get outside of that. And God speaks to that. So what about holy your God says the marriage, marriage should be honored by all and the marriage bed. Kept pure for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. Like you know how serious you are about abuse and racism, how you feel about it, how it turns your insides, that's how serious God is about sexual immorality. That's God.
And I need that to sink in. Like, take that seriously when God says, I will judge the sexually immoral.
Like when you're the one putting the pressure on that girl to do something, she doesn't want to do and you say let's live together, we love each other. It's the best way to figure this out and make it work. That is sinful. When you mock and laugh and say that's old-school, that is sinful.
When you say God's ways are not the world's ways, I'm gonna do what I want. Its my way, I think there's an exhibit me, happy and holy that's sinful. Like crossing the line of sexuality taking something, God, reserves only for marriage before you're married is wrong.
And I know I made the sermon about living together because it puts you in that situation but some of the people who've said well I just won't live together to keep Grandma and Mom and Dad happy, but I cross the line anyway God's talking to you too.
God's talking to all of us when it comes to sexuality, to lust.
To doing things that God has called us not to do.
And if you can convince me and you want to fight back on me and say, but Pastor, I can do and I can live under the roof, the saving of money, it just has to happen. We can do. It will be pure, will honor it. I need to hear another passage about it. There must not be even a hint of sexual immorality.
I did not live with my wife before we were married.
But I sinned.
Like I'm super attracted to my wife.
And it was when I was 20.
And the thoughts I had. And probably the things that were done. Were they a hint? I'll just be honest, I'm not going to get into what I did and didn't do, that's my business and God for me to deal with. But I wasn't perfect. But I do know how to put myself under the same roof with her and live with her and saw her walking around. It was not going to happen.
Not even a hint. God says lust is too much coveting another person. How God what God has given to them? Their body is too much, it's not just about the AFT. It's not the thoughts, and I think we got to be honest about that. I can honestly be Holier. If you live together before, you're married.
Because you can't open any page in the book of the Bible and tell me. As I thought about it and prayed about it, God spoke to me and said this is probably wise and this will make you, holy.
Which is why I want you to remember that. This If you want to be happier like the stats, tell you, scripture tells you wait, but if you want to be Holier, If you want to honor God, if you don't want to put yourself in an impossible situation of the same roof as someone you are attracted to and you love and maybe even plan on spending the rest of your life with if you want to be Holier. Wait wait. Wait.
It's the best path to happy and holy.
And God knew that. The Apostle, Paul wrote these words about how important it was to be holy as it. Why spiritually is it wrong biblically? If you're Crossing Lines taking something God has reserved only for marriage, that's wrong.
And that's not wise.
Look what the Apostle Paul said, as for these matters, brothers and sisters, we instructed you how to live in order to please. God live for God, as in fact, you are living. Now, we ask you and urge you in the Lord Jesus, do this more and more. We want you to be holy for, you know what instructions? We gave you from Jesus himself. It's God's will to what he wants. That you should be Sanctified, Holy. That you should avoid sexual immorality. That each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, if you want to be happier, wait, the world says it the stats of it. Scripture reinforces that if you want to be Holier and live up to go, God says wait.
And you might wonder how can I do that? I get it's hard.
It's hard to be holy in this area. It's hard to be wholly at all.
But Jesus can help you. Because Jesus has been holy.
2,000 years ago, the appraiser the Hebrews right after that section of honor, the marriage bed pointed people. Back in the direction of Jesus and the cross. He's the same yesterday today and forever. Like this sermon is about a very specific thing but each and every one of us who's ever lived on the face of planet Earth has probably crossed the line when it comes to sex and Purity weather thought or action. But Jesus didn't.
The one who was perfect, then is still perfect. Now, the one who came to Earth and now is in heaven. Is greater than your sin. He has made you holy, the blood of Jesus has purified you from all sins. Today is a new day. Like, if you're in it right now and this is your situation, run to the Cross, run to Jesus and call him for help. Consider what God would have you do, if you've been there before and you've gone through this before and you made that decision and you're living with regret, Grace, trumps guilt. Jesus has forgiven you. If down the road in the future, you struggle with this and wrestle with this, and you crossed the line and you confess it. Remember, who Jesus is the same yesterday, today, and forever? He is Holy and has made you, holy Gives you and he loves you. And he also empowers you. Like you can't say no without Jesus but you can say yes to the spirit in Jesus. You can, you can wait. It can wait.
And it will make you happier and Holier.
Which is really what I want to say last. And then we need to go on because I'm running out of time. Probably across my time already. There are four different groups of you who are in here. And first, I want to speak to those of you, I just talked to you right now. God's working on your heart. What does it look like to be Holier knowing that you want to be happier? When needs to change. What's the conversation I need to have? What can you do? What does repentance look like? Not every situation is the same. If you want my advice, come and talk to me. I won't hammer you. I want to help you. If you've done this before, remember grace trumps guilt. You are forgiven, own it, talk to God about it, move forward. Maybe you're married to that person and You need to hear that. Third, if you are a young person in here right now, hold on to those two thoughts, if you want happier, and you want Holier never ever, ever, never, ever, ever pressure, someone else into doing it and moving in together and never be pressured. It'll be better. If you wait. And lastly to all of you in here you will know somebody eventually, a 922 person, a family member, a grandchild. Someone who the world's motto tells them. It's okay. Can I convince you to leave today with a heart that longs to speak 200-proof Grace and Truth? Do not do a pastor. Did Tim did for the first many years of his ministry and just Hammer people and say it is sinful and wrong. Instead ask the questions is it wise
Spiritually.
Well, this actually produces happy and holy. If that's what you want, right? And then share the stats, speak the truth, don't Hammer them, help them. Because you want happy and holy for them too.
And that's possible because of him.