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Today we talk about your mentee's family. You'll hear practicals on how to support single parents through mentoring, learn the value of building relationship with guardians, and how honoring your mentee's family could change their life.
Show Notes
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WELCOME
You Can Mentor is a podcast about the power of building relationships. Every episode will help you overcome common mentoring obstacles and give you the confidence you need to invest in the lives of others.
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SHOW NOTES
LINKS
SIMPLE WAYS TO SUPPORT SINGLE MOMS
- Compliment her and telling her she’s doing a good job
- Hearing her story
- Calling her and keeping her in the loop about her child
- Inviting her and her family into your home
- Remembering important things about her (Job, interests, kids names, birthday, etc)
- Thinking positively about her and not complaining about her
- Talking positively about her when her son says bad things about her
- Communicating with and encouraging her to participate in our Forerunner events
- Praying for them
- Helping her in times of need in appropriate ways (Meal train, rides, connections, etc)
Creators and Guests
What is You Can Mentor: A Christian Youth Mentoring Podcast?
You Can Mentor is a network that equips and encourages mentors and mentoring leaders through resources and relationships to love God, love others, and make disciples in their own community. We want to see Christian mentors thrive.
We want to hear from you! Send any mentoring questions to hello@youcanmentor.com, and we'll answer them on our podcast. We want to help you become the best possible mentor you can be. Also, if you are a mentoring organization, church, or non-profit, connect with us to join our mentoring network or to be spotlighted on our show.
Please find out more at www.youcanmentor.com or find us on social media. You will find more resources on our website to help equip and encourage mentors. We have downloadable resources, cohort opportunities, and an opportunity to build relationships with other Christian mentoring leaders.
You can mentor is a podcast about the power of building relationships with kids from hard places in the name of Jesus. Every episode will help you overcome common mentoring obstacles and give you the confidence you need to invest in the lives of others. You can mentor. Hey, everybody. Welcome back to the You Can Mentor podcast where we talk about what it looks like to mentor kiddos.
Speaker 1:I'm like, everyone should know that this has started out, like, a 1000 times.
Speaker 2:Gosh. You're doing great.
Speaker 3:No. That was awesome.
Speaker 1:Okay. Okay. I just kinda feel like it's really funny.
Speaker 2:It's good.
Speaker 1:Thank you.
Speaker 3:This is a stress free environment.
Speaker 2:It's a safe place, Caroline.
Speaker 1:My eyes are starting to shut because I don't know. What? Sometimes when I get nervous, my eyes get, like, little slits, and I, like, can't see. It's funny. So
Speaker 2:Alright.
Speaker 3:How have you guys been feeling about the coffee recently in the office? Like, we'd
Speaker 2:This is what you wanna open the show up with?
Speaker 3:I'm just I'm just wondering because
Speaker 1:You we changed it.
Speaker 3:Partially because I'm the main person that drinks coffee in the office.
Speaker 2:These are the main qualms that I have about your coffee. Okay. 1, you don't make enough. 2, when you pour me a cup, you only fill it halfway.
Speaker 3:You have a very large mug. And 3,
Speaker 2:you don't make it as often as I want. I want you to be able to read my mind and say
Speaker 3:It is really like when it comes to availability, it is always available. It's just been in my office. So now that it's out in the common area, I hope that you recognize that it's available to you.
Speaker 1:We switched our coffee.
Speaker 3:Yeah. That was my main deal. Because we went to a lighter roast.
Speaker 1:Do you like it better?
Speaker 2:I like dark roast.
Speaker 3:This one is kinda weird. Mhmm.
Speaker 1:I don't like it.
Speaker 3:So Trade coffee, if you're listening to the podcast sponsor. We wanna let you know that we didn't really like the last one you sent us. So if you could, send us a new one, that'd be great.
Speaker 1:Well, hey, everyone. Welcome back to the You Can Mentor podcast. Today, we're gonna be talking about the most important influence in a kid's life is
Speaker 2:Dot dot dot.
Speaker 3:Don't tell him. Don't tell him. It's just the intro.
Speaker 1:It's a secret. Intro. You have to listen to the whole podcast.
Speaker 2:For those of you guys who are just on the edge of your car seats, just waiting to find out who the most important influence in a kid's life is, It's his family. Families.
Speaker 1:Family.
Speaker 2:That's right. And so on today's podcast, we're just going to talk about the importance of the mentee's family and why, it is so vital for us to build a good relationship with them and to partner with them as we make their dreams for their kids come true. I think that that's a great question, to ask a family is, hey, mom or grandma or uncle or whoever is the guardian of this child is, tell me what your dream is for your son.
Speaker 3:Yeah. Mhmm.
Speaker 2:Tell me what your your dream is for your daughter, and let's work together to make that dream come true. That's a question that you guys can work together to answer over the next 1, 2, 3, 4, 10 years.
Speaker 3:Yeah. Yeah. I mean, the the mentor relationship isn't just creating this, rock solid plan to perform to where the dream comes true, but actually you're just breathing hope and vision into the life of this kid, and you're doing that alongside his parent. Yeah. I think that's that's huge.
Speaker 3:And so the aspirations you have as you walk into the mental relationship are in alignment with what the mom is hoping for her child.
Speaker 2:Yeah. From the very get get go, one thing that we would like to make crystal clear is the kids that we mentor, some of them come from single parent homes, some of them live with grandma, some of them live with mom and dad. We know that every kid is different. And so today, whenever we talk about the family, you guys are gonna hear us talk about mom. You guys are gonna hear us talk about grandma.
Speaker 2:You guys are gonna hear us talk about different members of the family, but just know as a whole, we're talking about whoever this kid considers his family. Mhmm. Yeah. Those are the people that we need to be on the same team with.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:We would also like just to make a couple things crystal clear. One is that the family is the gatekeeper for for the kid that you mentor. Just know that if you are on the same team as their family, if they like you, if they are encouraging a relationship between you and their child, that's gonna make things significantly easier. Mhmm. On the flip end, on the flip side of that, if the family grows to be against you, if they don't like you, or if they think that you are up to no good with their kid, it's only a matter of time before you don't get the opportunity to spend time with kid anymore.
Speaker 2:Right. Respecting them, honoring them, doing whatever we have to do to be on their team, that's just of the utmost of importance in a mentoring relationship. Mhmm. We also would like to state that we're not the parent. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Mhmm. It's not our job to raise this kid, but that's the parent's job. Our job is to be a support to the family as they do the very best that they can to make this kid a positive and productive adult. Mhmm. Some families need more support than others.
Speaker 2:There's a bunch of kids who we mentor, who they have single parent households. A single mom is going to need more support than a household where there's mom and dad, and it's Absolutely. And it's up to us to get to know the family and to ask questions and to come alongside them and say, hey, mom. We're here to support you to do everything that we can to help this kid.
Speaker 3:Mhmm. Absolutely. Zach and Cash, what is a mentor's obligation or commitment to the mentee's family when they enter into a relationship with their mentee? Because, obviously, that's the primary relationship in a mentor relationship is the one you're building with a kid. But what is what is the underlying commitment that that kind of supports and undergirds that mentor relationship?
Speaker 1:Yeah. I think the beginning piece is communication with their family. I think when we don't communicate, we lose even like any chance of a foundation to build a relationship with their family. And so we've talked about this in previous episodes, but communicate what communication should look like with a mentee's guardian, whoever that is, should be over the top in some ways, because we want to show mom or grandma or mommy and dad that we are honoring them and their relationship with their child and inviting them into that space. But I do think that there is this, there is a commitment to support, and I don't think there is I don't think there's necessarily a need for you to give a 100 percent of your time to the family as a whole because your focus is on the kid.
Speaker 1:But there does need to be that backbone of, does the family have my trust? And so how do you do that? I think we can ask that question here in a second too of just how do you build that trust? And then what does my FaceTime with family look like? How am I actually physically interacting with them?
Speaker 1:And then where do you go in your relationship with their child? Because if you kind of ask those first two questions, it does lead to furthering their relationship with their kid. But I think it's a it's that's pretty hard question to answer, you know, because I think it it looks different, but I think you you almost have to ask the first two questions of just knowing where you stand to to kinda know what your obligation is as well.
Speaker 3:Yeah. I mean, even particularly with our mentoring organization, 4 Runner, in Dallas, our organization exists to communicate between parties, between families, to make sure we're managing these mentor relationships, that mom's on the same page as the mentor. But I think it's it's good to establish an ownership to the mentor of saying, you know what? I'm gonna own this relationship with the family. Yeah.
Speaker 3:I'm gonna text mom. I'm gonna text the family and make sure that, you know, they understand what's going on in the mentor relationship, that they understand that I'm interested in their involvement. And I think that sometimes that can go by the wayside when you have an organization that's kind of pushing for the relationship. And so it's kind of confusing to figure out who is responsible for building this relationship, building the trust. Though it's I would say it's really helpful to have an organization leading the charge and connecting mom and connecting mentors, but there has to be some level of ownership on the mentor's side Yeah.
Speaker 3:To develop relationship with the family.
Speaker 2:Yeah. It's almost like there's a saying whenever you get married as a man, you know, whenever you marry the wife, you also get the family as well. In some ways, it's the same with a mentoring relationship. Yes, your main focus is on the kid, but you've got to do your homework and you've got to ask questions and you have to really become an expert on this family. And you become an expert by asking questions.
Speaker 2:Hey, tell me about your family. Tell me about your mom. Tell me about your dad. What about your uncle, aunts? How many times have you moved?
Speaker 2:Is anyone in your family incarcerated? Has anyone passed away? Just all of these things are so important to know because there's always a reason why. There's always a reason why a kid acts the way that he does, and there's always a reason why a family acts the way that they do towards you as a mentor. It's important to know if a family has been burned by church.
Speaker 2:It's important to know if if a single mom has been burned by a mentor. These are all things that will affect your relationship with your kid. Mhmm. And so we, as mentors, we have to become an expert on the family. And I think that we owe it to our kids to ask those questions because because their family are the most important people in their lives.
Speaker 2:And if it's important to them, then it's important to us as well.
Speaker 3:Yeah. I would say most mentoring organizations have probably collected some information about the kid and his background, but it is so much more meaningful if a mentor asks good questions and gets to know the story from the source rather than just getting a piece of paper that says, oh, this is where your kid lived and this is what he's experienced and this is his family makeup and, okay, go have a great time.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:It's great to actually talk to the family and and say, hey. I wanna know more about you guys. I wanna get to know you. Mhmm. Like, could you tell me about, you know, the last 5 years, of what you guys have been up to?
Speaker 3:Yeah. Just asking questions, I think, is obligatory for any mentor building relationship with the family. I think it's huge.
Speaker 2:The last thing that we want is to cut mom out of the picture. We want the family of the kid that we mentor to know that this isn't just, hey, you guys sit on the sidelines while I spend time with your kid. No. No. No.
Speaker 2:It is so much more successful of a relationship Mhmm. If y'all are on the same team. Yeah. Hey, mom. This is what's going on.
Speaker 2:Hey, mom. How's it going at school? Hey, grandma. Is there anything that we need to know? And then if you find out anything or if you observe anything while you're spending time with that kid that you believe that mom needs to know about, well, it's just so important for you guys to be communicating on a consistent basis.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So There should never be, like, a secret between you and the child. Like, there should never be something that you are hiding or withholding from the child's family. And I think it it can be easy because you hear secret and you may you may think, like, I've thought this before. Well, I would never keep a secret, but I have found myself in moments being like, oh, I promise I won't like, you know, we we tell our friends sometimes, like, I promise I won't tell anyone.
Speaker 1:Or, like, you may just blurt that out to get an answer from a kid, but, I think an obligation to the family is just establishing the fact that, hey, there are no there are gonna be no secrets in this relationship between myself and your child. And if there's anything that comes up that exactly what you said that is worth telling, meaning it could be anything. It could be a super big range of things, but I just think that's a huge huge thing to establish with Guardian, whoever that may be so that they feel free to ask too and ask questions as well as you guys continue this, hopefully, long term relationship.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Yeah. All mentors, keep this in mind. If you think that your kid's ever in danger
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Then you need to talk to, either the mentoring org that, you guys serve under or, CPS or, the proper authorities, please hear us when we say that we trust you Mhmm. To make that choice.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Okay? So whenever we talk about these things, we're talking about just normal everyday circumstances and situations.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 3:Yeah. Okay. That's good. Yeah. I think it's helpful for mentors to recognize I I think the primary indicators for a successful mentor relationship, one of which from the US Department of Education, it says that parental involvement in a mentor relationship is one of the most significant indicators of a successful mentor relationship.
Speaker 3:Yep. And so even just based off of that, a mentor needs to walk into this thinking, if this is gonna be a successful mentor relationship, I need to build relationship with the family.
Speaker 2:Mhmm.
Speaker 3:And so what are some ways that we could practically help our mentors build a relationship with his his mentee's family?
Speaker 2:Yeah. So I think I think a great way to build a relationship is just to show up, is the mom needs to know who you are. Mom needs to know your name. The mom needs to see your face. The uncle needs to to know that you're for the kid no matter what, and that you guys are on the same team.
Speaker 2:So if it's been a month since you've seen the kid's family, if it's been 3 months since you've talked to mom, I would say that that might be a red flag, and Yeah. You should probably look into doing whatever you have to do to, to communicate with them. Yeah. Now, guys, I'll also say this, is this podcast we're talking about if the parents are engaged, if the parents are around, if mom, is doing the best that she can to help, raise her child. Unfortunately, in some mentoring relationships, there are, there are guardians who are checked out.
Speaker 1:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:And if that's the case, keep on trying. But we also understand that in some cases, there's really nothing that we can do. But what I hope that every mentor can say is if I don't have a relationship with the parents, with the family, it is not because of lack of trying.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:So we as mentors, we should do everything in our power to build a relationship with a family. And if it doesn't work, then I hope that we can say, well, that's on them, unfortunately.
Speaker 3:Yeah. Well, I think it's helpful to be a part of a mentoring organization where people are asking those questions of saying, hey. How is relationship with mom going?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:So that you don't have to feel like I'm out here on an island trying to do this alone and no one's asking me how this is going or provoking me or encouraging me to engage. And, I mean, I think if you're not a part of a mentoring organization, and you're just building relationship with a kid in your community that you've met, I think it would be helpful to have somebody in your corner who is actually asking you questions about how it's going. And so I would just say, even identify someone to be that spot for you. If you're a part of a mentoring organization, there should be someone asking you those questions on a regular basis to to make sure you're doing everything you can to build a relationship with the family. And that and yeah, I would say even just a practical thing, I pick up my kid from his apartment complex when we hang out.
Speaker 3:And it would be so easy for me to just text and say, I'm in the parking lot. Yeah. But there are 2 opportunities there for me to engage with the family. I can go up. I can knock.
Speaker 3:I can talk for 15 minutes. Yeah. We can go, and then we can come back, and I can share what we talked about, how it went. And so there are 2 opportunities every time I pick up my kid for me to engage with the family.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And it would just be really easy for me to just say, well, I'm here. Okay. He's back. But I I think those are just the little touches that make such a difference Right. In building relationship.
Speaker 1:Mhmm. One of the things that, when I started mentoring that I was taught was all communication should especially at the beginning should be, should have the parents roped in. And so if you have a kid who has a a cell phone and then with mom, even just putting them both on a group text and just saying I'm on my way or to making sure you're texting mom and roping mom always or guardian into communication, especially at the beginning of that relationship. I just think that that's a huge a huge thing and making sure that you are engaging her in every way that you can and seeking out opportunities to do that. Yeah.
Speaker 1:I don't know. I just, I think that any communication that you can have with guardian, grandma, mom, mom, and dad, whoever it may be, is worth your time.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Like, there's not a waste in that. Even if you feel like it wasn't a great conversation, like, you engaged and you you showed up for that, which I just think is super important.
Speaker 2:Yeah. I also think some great ways to build a relationship with a family is just to remember the small things. It's to remember their name, remember the names of the siblings. If they have a name that's hard to pronounce, we have to learn how to pronounce it right. Find out where they work, find out important things about them.
Speaker 2:I mean, the more that you can know things that are important to them, that shows that they are important to you.
Speaker 3:Yes.
Speaker 2:And so it really is just stepping out of your world and entering into theirs. And every time that you do that, you show that they have value and that they have worth and that you want to build a relationship with them because they matter.
Speaker 3:Yeah. Specifically, when you talk about valuing someone Mhmm. That, a mentor, when you're building a relationship with a family, it is not a I'm I'm the support. You're the one in need. It's Yeah.
Speaker 3:I wanna be your friend, and I'm in your corner. Mhmm. And, hey, what's up with your life? And and even sharing what's going on in your own life and having that kind of back and forth where they're aware of what's going on in your life, and you're sharing your own struggles, and you're sharing what's going on with your kids. And I think you have so many opportunities to, I guess I guess the world will be legitimize their parenthood Mhmm.
Speaker 3:And them as people rather than pursuing them out of, well, I'm I'm here to support you, and what do you need? And I I think that that can create a dynamic that just is not helpful in the mentor relationship.
Speaker 2:I think we always have to keep in mind that God works in mysterious ways. And, yes, we got into mentoring because we wanted to impact the kid's life, but I've seen it happen. The Lord can save souls of the family through what you're doing with the kid. Every time that you spend time with a kid, every word that you say, every time that you make them feel loved, mom is watching. Someone's watching.
Speaker 2:And they might say to themselves, how come he keeps showing up? How come he keeps investing into us even whenever I don't return their phone calls or even whenever my son does this or that? And the answer is because we want to love like Jesus. The Lord, can use your interactions with the kid and you honoring mom and dad or uncle or grandma or whoever's in their family to show what he's like. And I know that there's a kid in our program who is Muslim, and the mom has learned more about Christianity by watching her son's mentor interact with them than anything else that she's ever experienced.
Speaker 2:Yeah. And I think that that's really cool. And I wouldn't be surprised if, she starts asking questions about Jesus Christ and about what he's like because of the actions of the mentor.
Speaker 3:Yeah. Absolutely.
Speaker 1:That's good. So we've talked a lot about support. What are some practical ways that we that we support mom without parenting the kid because we're not the parent? And so what are some things that we can do to actually show the mom or grandma or uncle that we are coming alongside them and not trying to take their place?
Speaker 3:Yeah. Yeah. I definitely feel like there can be this dynamic that's created of, like, you're you're coming in as a mentor, and it's like a small version of foster care where where you're like, you know what? This is I'm gonna champion this kid because no one's championing this kid, and
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:I think that that comes with, I don't know, like, a a really negative mindset when it comes to this family's responsibility Yeah. For their calling in life to support their child. And I I feel like we have to enter in with humility and honor and encouragement of seeing that many of these single parents are doing an amazing job with what they have. Right. And if anything, when we come beside them, we come with encouragement and, a spirit of partnership of saying, we just want to join you in what you're doing in making the this like what you said, Zach, making the dreams you have for your son, making them come to pass.
Speaker 3:And and I think that that that is a huge responsibility for us of if we are not encouraging the family and their responsibility, I think the mentor relationship can come off as a I'm taking the responsibility from you upon myself. And not actually partnering with them in their job.
Speaker 2:Yeah. I think God is a God of family and one of the things that hurts his heart the most is when a family breaks. Right? I mean, it says in the Bible that God is a father to the fatherless, and that he sets the lonely in families. Pure religion is this, you know, those those that serve the orphan and the widow, and particularly for our single moms.
Speaker 2:Man, what an incredible opportunity we have to be the hands and feet of Jesus to someone who has been dealt a hard hand.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Right? I mean, in most cases, they're a broken home. She's a single mom. He's a single dad because of circumstances that were out of their control. I know for me, I mean, it just happened overnight.
Speaker 2:Me and my family went from being a picture perfect family of 4 to overnight. It just being me and my mom. Yeah. And my mom had such a hard time with that because there were so many things that were going on. She had to learn how to provide financially.
Speaker 2:She had to deal with her own heart and her own hurts and her own feelings. And then she had to teach a boy how to become a man. Wow. And she had to discipline me and she had to make sure that I was doing well in school and that I had lunch money and she had to pick me up. I mean, life is significantly harder whenever it goes from parents to parent.
Speaker 2:Because for those of you guys out there who are parents, it's just hard to do on your own. And for our single parents, that is a day in and day out reality.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And it's extremely difficult. I know for me, I can take care of my kids for about 4 hours and then I'm about to lose them. Right? But for these single parents, that's their life. Yeah.
Speaker 2:24 hours a day, 7 days a week. And so I pray that the Lord grows compassion in us and that we build a relationship, not coming from, hey, we know what to do. We've got this all figured out, but I hope that we come at it in regards to how can I partner with you, mom, and how can I support you as you do the best job that you can possibly do? I have known a lot of moms and I've known a lot of guardians and very rarely have I met the guardian who just doesn't care.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:More times than not, they're trying the very best that they can. Either they've just been put in a really hard spot or they don't have the tools or they don't have the support or they're tired or they've been through a really hard time. We've got to believe the best about our moms. We've got to believe the best about their families, and we have to know that they're doing everything that they can to help this child succeed.
Speaker 3:Mhmm. Yeah. And and not only believe the best, but encourage them
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 3:With what you see in them. Yeah. I I think one of the things we always talk about for mentors, one of the reasons mentors step away from a mentor relationship is because they become discouraged.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 3:And for our perspective, as we come into the mentor relationship, you reap what you sow. And what does it look like for a mentor to encourage mom in the job that she's doing? Not just the job she should be doing, but the job she's doing. Yeah. And to to come beside, even in sometimes prophetically, tell her that she's doing a great job, that she has what it takes to to lead and provide for her family and that you believe in her and how much that's going to speak hope into her life.
Speaker 3:Because who is speaking that into her? Right. Who does she have that actually is encouraging her in the work that she's doing? Yeah. Feel like single parent homes are probably a place where discouragement takes root so much more than any other place.
Speaker 2:Mhmm.
Speaker 3:And so for a mentor to feel discouraged in his job, I feel like you have to recognize my role is to be an encouragement.
Speaker 2:Yep.
Speaker 3:And I think even recognizing your role as an encourager can help bring you out of a place of discouragement
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Of saying that this is who I am. I'm an encourager.
Speaker 1:Yeah. And encouraging mom and and encouraging the child, but communicating that to mom specifically as well. Right. Like, telling mom, these are the things that I see in your in your son or your daughter. These are the things that I know they learned from you, and these are the things things that I recognize that you do really well that are being taught to your child.
Speaker 1:And I just think that I'm not a parent, but I've seen, like, my mom, one of her favorite things is when she's when other people tell her things about us, her kids.
Speaker 2:Mhmm.
Speaker 1:And, like, hearing that from someone who is consistently showing up and, like, actually investing in their child means so much more than just a stranger, you know, on the street, but someone who's like, oh my gosh, they see these things in my kid and they see like they continue to see those things in my kid too. I just think that's huge in that it's important to communicate those things to mom because you don't know if she is hearing that. Like, she may believe those things, but you don't know if she's hearing that from anyone else.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Especially for the kids that we mentor who are just having a really hard time. Mhmm. I mean, as a former teacher, almost every time that I called home, it was for something that was negative. Right?
Speaker 2:And for some of our kids, every interaction that they have with an adult who knows their kid is negative. Oh, did you know that your son didn't turn in his homework? Did you know that he keeps talking in class? He kept he kept on getting in trouble or da da da da. How much of a refresher is it to hear something good?
Speaker 2:Absolutely. Our mentoring org has a mom's ministry. So, we truly do believe that the most important person in our entire program is mom. Yeah. Because if mom's for you, then the kid will be for you.
Speaker 2:If mom is not for you, well, soon enough, the kid won't be for you either. Mhmm. And I can just remember, I was sitting down with a mom who was 27 and she had a kid who was 7 years old and she was doing the best job that she could. And I just came alongside her one day and I just said, hey, I just want you to know that you're doing a really good job as a mom. And I didn't think that that was a big deal.
Speaker 2:And I made eye contact with her and tears were filling up her eyes. And she just said to me, she said, Zach, I can't tell you the last time that I've heard that. Wow. And she was doing a great job and she is doing a great job. And it's so cool that for a moment, the Lord got to speak through me and through my encouragement to tell her how proud he was of her.
Speaker 3:So good.
Speaker 1:That's awesome.
Speaker 3:As much as we can attribute to mom the great things we see in her child Mhmm. I think the more fruit we're gonna see from her own relationship with her kid.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 3:And that same study from the US Department of Education was talking about parental involvement being one of the greatest indicators for a successful mentor relationship. It also says that if a child has a non family mentor investing in their life, that that mentee's relationship with his family becomes better because they're learning how to relate, how to interact, how to build relationship. And and so I think that that's something that is really exciting about being a mentor is that it's not just I'm I'm I'm investing and changing this kid's life, but I'm actually affecting all of his relationships
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And all of the people that he's connected to. And I'm making mom's relationship with her kid better. Right. And I I think that that is so powerful Yeah. When you recognize, I guess, the calling of the church, the calling of the people of God to commit to nonfamily and say, I'm in your corner.
Speaker 3:I care for you. I love you. I wanna build relationship and connection that will transform every relationship in our lives. And so the the power of a mentor relationship is so far beyond just your little interactions with this kid, but it it affects every person that he touches as well, including the family.
Speaker 2:That's good, Steven. One thing that I wanted to hit on, while we talk about the family and discussing the guardians and things of that nature is just how important it is that we honor the guardians no matter what.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I don't care how off the tracks your mom is. I don't care if she's up to no good in every part of her life. No one likes hearing someone talk bad about their mom.
Speaker 3:Yeah. Mhmm.
Speaker 2:And so we've got to honor, and we have to teach our kids how to honor and love even whenever people aren't doing things that are, that society considers good.
Speaker 1:Mhmm. So how do you do that without, condoning or enabling, like, things that really are destructive behavior? Like, how do you how would you communicate that to a child?
Speaker 2:Yeah. First off, if the kid is ever in danger, then it is our responsibility to make sure that they're safe. But let's just use the example of the kid is in a household where there's just a ton of screaming. Right?
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:And he comes to you or she comes to you and says, you know, every time I come home, my mom just screams her head off at me. Instead of telling the kid what you think about that, which we all can say, hey. That's that's not good.
Speaker 3:That's not good.
Speaker 2:Instead, just try to ask some questions. Hey. How does that make you feel whenever your mom screams at you? Right? And then whenever they give an answer, oh, that makes me mad.
Speaker 2:That makes me sad. That makes me hurt. That that makes me scared. Continue to go after how it made them feel instead of the action. Oh, I'm I'm so sorry that it hurts you.
Speaker 2:That would hurt me too. I don't like it whenever people shout at me too. Kinda give them permission to have those feelings. Right? Hey.
Speaker 2:It's okay that you feel that way. I would too if that happened to me. So that is what I would do. I would also just try to engage them in conversation. And the more that they can talk about it, the better.
Speaker 2:This kinda goes back to what we talked about, in previous episodes, but a kid doesn't really need your opinion. A kid doesn't really need your advice. What he needs is someone to talk to. What he needs is someone to listen to them Yeah. And and to care for them and to give them a hug and say, man, I'm so sorry that you feel scared.
Speaker 2:I am so sorry that you feel angry about this.
Speaker 3:There's a temptation to feel like you have to take sides Yeah. And, like, defend the kid against the parent or defend the parent against the kid or all those things. But I think it's it's helpful just to recognize we are all on the same team here. Yeah. And and so even if a kid is sharing that, it may be a difficult conversation, but to actually talk to mom and say, hey.
Speaker 3:When we met today, he was just talking about how that argument or that thing that happened, like, upset him. And I just wanna let you know, because I I feel like it it'd be helpful, like, just one for me to tell you, and 2, that I believe in you Mhmm. As a parent and that you're doing a great job and that I feel like you're aware of of the difficulties that come with parenting. And I just want you to know that, like, you're doing a great job. And even saying you're doing a great job, like, you don't you don't need to bring criticism into a moment like that or critique or correct.
Speaker 3:Like, even just acknowledging the moment and what happened with a very nonemotional response.
Speaker 2:Mhmm.
Speaker 3:Because I feel like that's that's usually what happens when we have those conversations is we get very emotional. But, really, it's very we need to be nonemotional so that we don't bring something into the relationship that's not helpful. Mhmm. Oh, like, well, this is how I see it. I'm more of just sharing information, and I think that that transparency and the just recommunicating, hey.
Speaker 3:I believe in you, that you're doing a great job, that you are this kid's parent, but I want you to understand the conversations that he's bringing to me because he may not be sharing that
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 3:With you. Gives mom that needed second perspective that most most families have. Mhmm. When you have 2 parents in the home, they're not getting that side perspective of how they're experiencing their parenting. And I I think that's really helpful, yeah, as you partner with single parents.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I mean, while while you're talking about the parent or the guardian with the kid, there's 2 things here. 1, you can't complain about the guardian. You can't talk bad. You can't gossip about them even if they are choosing to act in a way that is not helpful. The second thing is that if the kid starts talking bad about the parent, which every kid gets mad whenever they get grounded.
Speaker 2:Right? Every kid gets upset whenever they have to do chores. We also have to keep in mind that we're talking to a to a kid who who doesn't like to submit to authority. When they start talking bad about their guardian, just see it for what it is, is Absolutely. And that is them venting.
Speaker 2:Right? Mhmm. But please don't, enter into that with them. Man, I'm I'm so mad at my mom. She she made me mow the yard.
Speaker 2:Oh, man. Well, that sucks, dude. Your mom must be crazy for having you mow the yard at 5 PM in August. You know? Just don't do that, because in everything that we do, we wanna not take sides.
Speaker 2:I think that's super important, Steven, is to not take sides and to honor. And so
Speaker 1:And honoring comes from building a relationship with mom. Like, I think it's in some ways hard when you don't know mom. Like, if you don't know who she is or anything about her, then how do you talk to their kid about her if you know nothing besides her name? And so it come, it does come from building a and that goes back to the beginning of what we've talked about of just the importance of establishing that relationship and just making it clear to the child. Like, Hey, I I am here for, for your family.
Speaker 1:Yeah. Because God is a God of restoration. And if there are broken relationships, like, I really do believe that God wants to restore those. Mhmm. And being being on the team of family versus parent versus child.
Speaker 2:That's good stuff.
Speaker 3:Love it.
Speaker 2:Alright, guys. Hey. Just know that the the most important influence in a kid's life is his family, and it's so important for us as mentors to partner with the family, to get to know them, and to support them as we come alongside to help their dreams for their kid come true. Mhmm. It's it isn't our job to be the parent.
Speaker 2:It's not our job to come in and fix. We are on the same team here with the family, And we let them know that we're on the same team by communicating, by honoring, and by keeping them, in mind with every conversation and every action that we take with their kid. Because, guys, for our families out there, they are entrusting us with their most prized possession and that is their child.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And so let's be sure to keep them in mind as we partner with them and team up with them to help their kid become the best version of them as they can be in the name of Jesus Christ. And how cool is it that we have the opportunity perhaps to look back in 20 years and say, man, this family, the entire family knows Jesus Christ because of this one mentor. Right? Because God works in powerful ways. God works in mysterious ways, and he can take you and he can work through you to spread the good news about who he is and what he has done to an entire family and change generational lines.
Speaker 1:Amen. Terrell.
Speaker 3:Thanks for listening to today's episode of the You Can Mentor podcast. We are so humbled and honored that you would spend 45 minutes of your day with us. And so we give you a visual high five right now and ask that you would give us a 5 star rating on iTunes. So please leave us a review. Let us know what you think about the podcast, or if you have any questions about building relationships with the family of your mentee, please hit us up at youcanmentor.com.
Speaker 3:Let us know how we can be a resource to you and check out our show notes on the website so that you can get more information about how to become an awesome mentor. Because you know what we say every time, if you didn't take anything away from this episode, please let it be this, you can mentor.
Speaker 2:Hey, guys. If you're by chance a part of any mentoring org, all across the US or the world, please find us on Facebook or Instagram so we can learn from you as we together learn how to better mentor the kids that we're in relationship with.