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Explore game-changing educational and homeschool ideas. Designed for intentional parents like you.
[00:00:00] Welcome to the podcast series, How to Get Smooth Homeschool Days. We're gonna break this up into [00:00:05] four parts to take some pressure off your shoulders and bring joy back into your home.
During our [00:00:10] time together, we are gonna walk through distinct developmental seasons of your child's life,
[00:00:15] such as their developmental rhythms and what is appropriate for their age And not only that, we're gonna [00:00:20] talk about practical tools that actually work.
It's all about matching what their [00:00:25] capacities are with what we're asking of them Because when we make that match, smooth days are ahead. [00:00:30] Subscribe now
And let's build homeschool days together that fit your actual real [00:00:35] life and your kids' needs
Is your five-year-old refusing to do their letters?
Your seven-year-old [00:00:40] melting down over a single phonics page?
In episode one of our series here, we're tackling the [00:00:45] early years. Most of what looks like a behavior problem at this age is probably [00:00:50] more developmental than anything else
And matching our expectations with our kids' abilities [00:00:55] is what makes smooth homeschool days
Today, we're gonna dive into some brain science. We're gonna [00:01:00] talk about co-regulation and be honest about attention budgets for ages four to [00:01:05] seven And how much work is the right amount of work? How much time can they actually spend per day on [00:01:10] school?
And the one single thing that you can do that can make the complete difference
Between a [00:01:15] rough, tedious day
and a smooth one full of smiles
[00:01:20] [00:01:25] [00:01:30] Welcome back everyone. If you've ever sat at your kitchen table trying to teach your [00:01:35] five-year-old a simple phonics lesson or a basic math page
And you watched them [00:01:40] slide off the chair, stare blankly at the wall, or throw their pencil in [00:01:45] frustration
I want you to take a deep, deep breath. Here, I'll do it too. Let's breathe in and breathe [00:01:50] out.
We have all been there, and in those moments It is incredibly easy for [00:01:55] our adult brains to run every single specific diagnostic program
We look at that [00:02:00] child and we think, " They're defying me. Is this a character flaw? Should I be worried? Is this a [00:02:05] lack of discipline, a lack of my own consistency? Is something wrong with them?"
Are they never going to [00:02:10] learn? Do I need to nip this in the bud?
I have had those panic moments too. And today [00:02:15] what we're gonna do is flip the script
If I think back to advice I would give my [00:02:20] younger self, which is a lot of what this show is about
Today's show is something that I would've [00:02:25] told myself with a five-year-old, two two-year-olds, and a baby back in the day when I was [00:02:30] starting my homeschool journey And the game changer is this, but I'm gonna unpack it because I'm gonna tell you this game [00:02:35] changer and you're gonna think, "Okay, Christy, great, but what do I do tomorrow?"
I get it, but here's the game changer [00:02:40] first. I wish someone would have told me that often what looks like a behavior [00:02:45] problem in a child between the ages of four and seven
might not be behavior [00:02:50] problems at all. It might just be their biology
Because when a child refuses a [00:02:55] worksheet or collapses over a simple handwriting page, they're not always [00:03:00] mocking our authority or being defiant. What I wish someone would have told me is that I'm probably [00:03:05] witnessing just a fundamental mismatch between the demands that I was placing on [00:03:10] my kids at that time and the literal physical maturity of their [00:03:15] brains
Today, we are looking under the hood of early child development. We're gonna examine the [00:03:20] biological hardware of kids in pre-K through second grade Because until you [00:03:25] understand their hardware, you will spend your homeschool mornings fighting a biological [00:03:30] limit instead of teaching a child, and I don't want that for you So let's align our [00:03:35] expectations with what their brains can actually do.
Remember, this is a series about [00:03:40] having smooth days
And I fundamentally believe when we can match or try our [00:03:45] best to match our expectations with what our children can developmentally do, smooth [00:03:50] days come
the first thing we're gonna talk about today is cognitive hardware. To understand [00:03:55] how our kids behave, we have to look at their cognitive equipment. The Harvard Center [00:04:00] on the Developing Child breaks this down into three core pillars, The three pillars that [00:04:05] every single lesson you will ever teach will draw upon.
And those three things are [00:04:10] attention span, working memory, And inhibitory control
That's a $10 word for can your [00:04:15] kid put on the brakes?
Right now in your four to seven-year-old, all three of those pillars are [00:04:20] under heavy construction
And we're gonna take a moment right here to look at them one by one. So [00:04:25] first, let's talk about attention span. You've probably heard the common rule of thumb that a child's attention [00:04:30] span is about two to three minutes per year of age
Well, you will be happy to know that this [00:04:35] is backed by research
There was one study that looked at 2,000 [00:04:40] preschoolers And it found that three-year-olds sustain focus for about two to eight minutes [00:04:45] depending on their interest. But with that is a massive catch
And this should [00:04:50] stop you in your tracks. That rule of thumb is only for activities the child [00:04:55] chooses themselves
So if they're getting lost in the sandbox or building a Lego [00:05:00] tower, they are intrinsically motivated and their brains are naturally releasing dopamine, [00:05:05] which effortlessly sustains focus. But the moment you assign a task, like [00:05:10] what we often do as homeschool families, and yes, we do love interest-led and we love play-based, especially in [00:05:15] these early years, that's not what I'm talking about right now.
you know, our kids do need to learn to read
And they found [00:05:20] that the moment we assign a task to a child, like sitting down to trace letters [00:05:25] or quietly listening to an instruction, you are asking for top-down control from the [00:05:30] prefrontal cortex, a different part of the brain and that requires a massive amount of [00:05:35] metabolic energy for that little one.
The brain literally burns through actual [00:05:40] glucose at an astonishing rate
So what that means is for assigned work, you have to [00:05:45] cut that attention span rule of thumb completely in half
This means a four-year-old [00:05:50] has an assigned attention span of just about two to four minutes. A five-year-old has [00:05:55] about five minutes, and even in older kids, the limits are tight
There was this one study that [00:06:00] looked at seven-year-olds and found that even during on-task assigned work [00:06:05] Children began to cognitively drift after just about seven minutes so what this [00:06:10] means is when we ask a five-year-old to do 30 minutes of unbroken focus on [00:06:15] a phonics sheet, we aren't building stamina
What we're actually doing is running an [00:06:20] engine without fuel. And realistically
We should expect five to 10 minutes of table [00:06:25] work for ages four and five
And 10 to 15 maybe on a good day for [00:06:30] ages six and seven. Anything past that isn't teaching phonics anymore. You're just teaching [00:06:35] them to hate phonics
One, I hope you find that freeing, and two, I hope you find that [00:06:40] that's freaking you out a little bit because curriculum isn't always written for this match, is [00:06:45] it?
Okay, hold that thought because we need to talk about working memory next That second pillar [00:06:50] is working memory. Think of working memory as the brain's mental notepad [00:06:55] or temporary workspace
What we have found is that by the age of four, a [00:07:00] child's mental notepad can only hold about two chunks of new information at [00:07:05] one time. By ages seven or eight, that notepad expands to only three or four [00:07:10] chunks. An adult, by comparison, holds about four So when we talk about working memory, kind of think [00:07:15] of it as RAM on a computer.
Am I dating myself with that term? Probably. If [00:07:20] you open 20 tabs on your web browser, the system freezes, or mine does. The [00:07:25] fan turns on high and everything stops
In a child's brain, working memory relies on the [00:07:30] continuous firing of neurons in that prefrontal cortex
If you overload it, the [00:07:35] signal degrades, the RAM overflows, and the information is simply dropped. So [00:07:40] let's now translate that to what it looks like at home. We're in the middle of making eggs Imagine your [00:07:45] four-year-old is playing with Legos
You walk in and you say, "Hey sweetheart, why don't you go ahead and put your Legos [00:07:50] away, get your math workbook, and sit down at the table? We're gonna start math To you, that's one [00:07:55] simple transition. But in terms of working memory, here's the math. First, the child [00:08:00] is playing, so to transition, they have to completely clear their current Lego-focused [00:08:05] mental workspace in that first step Then you handed them three distinct new [00:08:10] chunks.
Put the Legos away, get the workbook, and sit at the table That means that you just handed a [00:08:15] four-year-old four pieces of information to process simultaneously when their [00:08:20] biological capacity is really at two. So what happens? Often the browser crashes You [00:08:25] walk in two minutes later, if there isn't a meltdown because they have to stop playing, and maybe they're just [00:08:30] standing in the middle of the room Holding a single Lego piece and staring blankly at the wall, but most likely [00:08:35] a little bit of a meltdown or frustration that they have to stop playing It's so easy to react with [00:08:40] anger and assume that they are ignoring you, they are defying you, they are not obeying you.
But [00:08:45] I want you to stop for a hot second before you run that bull into the room, okay? And think [00:08:50] about what they're actually capable of doing. I'm a big believer that we need to hold kids [00:08:55] accountable for what they are capable of, and it's quite unfair to not do that and have [00:09:00] expectations for things that they cannot do.
So in this particular scenario, they might not be [00:09:05] defying you. Their system literally dropped the data They might vaguely remember that you spoke to them, but [00:09:10] the specific instruction may have completely vanished
So how do we work around this? Because [00:09:15] we do want smooth homeschool days. That's what this series and this particular episode is about
And here's my [00:09:20] tip. Give instructions one step at a time. Maybe you can say, " Put the Legos in the bin," [00:09:25] wait for them to finish, and then say, " Now go get your workbook."
And if you must give two steps, [00:09:30] have them maybe repeat them back to you. Just kind of gauge where they are, how much they can hold. And the cool [00:09:35] thing about having a kid repeat something back to you is that Speaking it aloud engages different [00:09:40] neural pathways and secures it into their tiny little mental notepad.
So it's kind of like a [00:09:45] reinforcer to help it be a little sticky
And that brings us to our third, which is [00:09:50] inhibitory control. The third pillar is the brain's brake pedal. This is the skill that [00:09:55] allows a child to wait their turn, resist touching something, or keep working [00:10:00] even when a task gets boring. At ages four, five, and six, this brake pedal is [00:10:05] running on low power mode and is highly conditional. the prefrontal [00:10:10] cortex, which houses this brake pedal
happens to also be the most energy demanding
And [00:10:15] other parts of the brain, Like the brainstem, which handles survival, and the amygdala, which [00:10:20] handles emotion, always get priority
So what that means is if a child is tired, hungry, or [00:10:25] stressed, the brain cuts power to the non-essential apps to protect the core [00:10:30] system. My phone yesterday just went on, power save mode
In little kids' brains, that [00:10:35] brake pedal in the prefrontal cortex is the very first thing to go
This explains what I call [00:10:40] the yesterday versus today problem. Yesterday, your five-year-old sits down beautifully, finishes their [00:10:45] phonics, and is perfectly pleasant. And then today, you bring out the exact same book, and they are [00:10:50] practically feral, sliding off their chair, whining, and acting like they've never [00:10:55] seen the letter A in their life.
And you're thinking to yourself, or maybe you're even telling them, " You just did this [00:11:00] yesterday."
And then we automatically go to, they must be choosing to be difficult. But [00:11:05] stop right there
and consider that their biology might be saying otherwise.
Maybe yesterday [00:11:10] they were slept, fed, calm Maybe they were interested in the lesson because it was new and their [00:11:15] biological battery was at 100% and the brake pedal worked
But today, maybe their [00:11:20] sleep was disrupted, their blood sugar dipped, or they sensed your stress And their battery [00:11:25] dropped to 10%. Low power mode activated and the brake pedal [00:11:30] evaporates
The skill is still in their brain, but the inhibitory control required to [00:11:35] sit and access it is completely offline
Okay, we gotta take a quick break. When we come back, we're [00:11:40] gonna address one of the most common misreads in all of early childhood education
And [00:11:45] it's a doozy.
Homeschooling four kids means I'm juggling roughly 24 different subjects at [00:11:50] any given time. And a few years back, during a particularly busy season, I hit a wall. I [00:11:55] needed some serious help with the heavy lifting of teaching everything myself and managing schedules for four [00:12:00] kids. That's when I found BJUPress Homeschool, and we've loved their courses so much that we [00:12:05] keep going back.
Some families use them for everything and love it. I use them for certain subjects. [00:12:10] Either way, total mental load relief. Here's what my mornings look like now. Let us take [00:12:15] science, for example. My three girls do that one together. They fire up the lesson taught by a real [00:12:20] teacher, well-produced, actual teaching, not just click-through busy work, and I sit there with my [00:12:25] coffee, watch them, or make breakfast, and we discuss the big ideas.
Every [00:12:30] BJUPress Homeschool course prioritizes critical thinking, a biblical worldview, and hands-on learning. I just [00:12:35] guide the conversation and pick which activity or pages or projects we want to do, and everything's [00:12:40] already planned out. They have an online platform included for you called the Homeschool Hub, and it keeps [00:12:45] everyone on track, both me and my kids, without micromanaging or nagging.
And when I have [00:12:50] questions, I call my homeworks consultant. These people don't just help you get set up. They're available for you [00:12:55] whenever you need them. It's like having a homeschool expert on speed dial. Go to [00:13:00] BJUPressHomeschool.com or click the link in the show notes to find out more.
I wanna talk about homeschool math for [00:13:05] a minute, specifically CTCMath, who I'm so glad is sponsoring [00:13:10] this episode, because you need to know about them. I'm picky about curriculum, and there are a [00:13:15] few subjects I won't compromise on, and math is on the top of that list. [00:13:20] CTCMath is what I use with all four of my kids, and it's an excellent K to [00:13:25] 12 math program.
Rigorous, thorough, comprehensive, everything I want my [00:13:30] kids to have in their math education, but without all the stress, the tears, and me [00:13:35] having to learn long division all over again. Here's what happens at our house now. My [00:13:40] kids log in. A real math teacher walks them through the lesson, four to nine minutes, [00:13:45] clear, step by step.
They do their lesson and finish up with practice problems. The program grades them, [00:13:50] and I don't have to remember how to do fractions with unlike denominators or where exactly [00:13:55] they left off last week. Which means I get to be the mom in the room. I can sit [00:14:00] nearby, listen in, encourage, fold the laundry, and watch math get [00:14:05] done beautifully.
Easier on Mom, no sacrifice on academics? Yes, [00:14:10] please. Join me and tens of thousands of homeschool families using [00:14:15] CTCMath for their go-to math curriculum. Links in the show notes. Grab your free trial [00:14:20] today, and you'll see why we love it for our kids
we need to talk about something that [00:14:25] is a huge misunderstanding about young kids. We're talking about [00:14:30] kids pre-K to second grade, and that is what can be expected regarding their [00:14:35] physical movement
A lot of us want perfect little kids who sit at the table and do all their lessons. I mean, I [00:14:40] don't, but it's one of the reasons why I'm making this episode Imagine you're sitting on the couch reading a beautiful story
Your [00:14:45] six-year-old is hanging upside down off the cushions, kicking their legs and dragging a toy car [00:14:50] across the rug
And every voice in you is screaming, " Sit up and pay attention!"
Because we [00:14:55] often assume that if their body is moving, their brain is turned off. And that could be the [00:15:00] case
But stop to read it first Because our expectations for kids to sit still and [00:15:05] learn, you know, hands in the lap, perfectly looking at you, batting their eyelashes saying, "What's [00:15:10] next, Mommy?" It's based off of a false idea of learning. And [00:15:15] certainly you can say it's based off an adult model of learning In young children, sitting still and paying [00:15:20] attention are two separate, highly demanding skills
And at this age, enforcing the [00:15:25] first skill completely cannibalizes the energy required for the second if you spend your entire [00:15:30] attention budget enforcing posture Your child will have absolutely nothing left to spend on [00:15:35] processing the phonics or hearing the beautiful read-aloud that you're reading or the math you're trying to teach
[00:15:40] Young kids think with their bodies
Their vestibular system, which is their balance, [00:15:45] and proprioceptive system, their spatial awareness, are craving input at this [00:15:50] age
Kicking their legs or hanging upside down is their way of scratching a deep [00:15:55] neurological itch And when we force kids to sit still when it's not developmentally appropriate for them to [00:16:00] do it, their brain starts sending them alarm signals. " Where is my body? I need movement." And [00:16:05] suddenly they have to use all of their precious, fragile brake pedal energy that we talked about [00:16:10] earlier just to keep their limbs still So what does that leave us with?
Basically zero cognitive budget [00:16:15] left to process your voice
Now, executive functioning is well-researched, and there [00:16:20] was this one study that demonstrated that executive functioning actually improves through ordinary [00:16:25] physical activity and play
So if you hear one thing from this episode about your littles that are bouncing off the [00:16:30] wall, hear this: movement is not the enemy of focus. It's the release [00:16:35] valve And movement can offload physical energy so the cognitive centers of the brain [00:16:40] can actually listen
Now, I've been using proprioception to calm my kids down and co-regulate [00:16:45] during kind of explosive moments, high emotional moments. I've been doing that for years. It works [00:16:50] amazingly well. And if you aren't sure if you're a skeptic right now, run an upside down kid test. When your [00:16:55] child is wiggling
Stop reading and ask them a question about the story. " Hey, what did the bear do [00:17:00] next?"
If they answered you accurately, you can know that they're wiggling and their posture is irrelevant [00:17:05] to their processing Now, I know this can be hard 'cause I'm a mama who I get [00:17:10] dysregulated by a lot of physical activity, movement, and noise But that's a beautiful thing about me [00:17:15] growing and learning through my homeschooling journey, is I have had to work on myself so much.
And [00:17:20] one main thing that I've learned is I can't co-regulate with my kids if I don't know how to regulate [00:17:25] myself. And knowing these truths is so helpful in that. Okay, so how to [00:17:30] apply this practically
Maybe you could have a policy where read-alouds are movement-allowed zones. [00:17:35] You can let them lay on the floor, draw with their colored pencils or crayons, play with [00:17:40] Legos, Play-Doh while you read
You could also put movement inside the lessons, like have them hop [00:17:45] along a number line taped to the floor, write letters in the air using big arm movements. I mean, [00:17:50] that will help stuff be more sticky because it's multimodal. Or bounce a ball while you're practicing your math [00:17:55] facts. That's actually really cool because they're doing it with a rhythm
You can also take movement breaks [00:18:00] before the wiggles win And if you know your child's limit is about seven minutes, don't wait until minute [00:18:05] eight when they melt down. At minute six, while they are still succeeding, stop and [00:18:10] say, " Awesome job. Let's do 20 jumping jacks, and then we'll finish the last problem."
You can [00:18:15] proactively manage the battery. Now, this is gonna require you being a student of your kiddo for a little [00:18:20] while, but once you figure it out, it's really cool because then you'll see as they develop and grow [00:18:25] that their attention spans start to stretch But it's way better to stop a lesson early and have the [00:18:30] kid wanting more than stop the lesson after the major meltdowns For a lot of reasons.
[00:18:35] But it's kind of common sense, right? What is that training the whole family? It's training the whole family [00:18:40] that we, we work hard until everyone explodes, and then that's when we stop. Like, that's not healthy
When [00:18:45] we come back, we're gonna touch on one of my favorite things to talk about
AD BREAK 2
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Is your child struggling with attention, [00:18:50] memory, reading, writing, or math? If you're experiencing this, you know how heart-wrenching it is to watch [00:18:55] them face these hurdles. You've poured love, time, and attention into their education, yet the [00:19:00] struggle persists, leaving you feeling stuck and desperately searching for answers.
You guys, [00:19:05] I want you to know about LearningRx, a proven program designed to help your child's [00:19:10] cognitive skills, enabling them to think faster, learn more easily, and perform at their [00:19:15] best. I'm talking getting real long-term help here with things like ADHD and dyslexia. [00:19:20] LearningRx is backed by 35 years of research, and their results are transformative.
Use [00:19:25] code HOME50 for $50 off your cognitive skills assessment. Go to [00:19:30] learningrx.com or click the link in the show notes.
Now let's talk about emotions, because a [00:19:35] child's emotional state decides whether any of their cognitive capacity is [00:19:40] actually going to be available for learning
This is so important for people to know it [00:19:45] should change everything about the way that you discipline [00:19:50] and disciple your children. And here it is. A dysregulated child has zero [00:19:55] working memory left
100% of the energy is going towards surviving the [00:20:00] feeling
In parenting circles, we hear a lot about self-regulation. We want our [00:20:05] five-year-olds to count to 10, take a deep breath, and calm themselves down
But biologically, [00:20:10] kids can't do that at the age of five. It's a myth So we need to stop expecting our kids to [00:20:15] be able to self-regulate at that age. It's physically impossible. You are asking a [00:20:20] brain structure that is barely formed to run a highly complex [00:20:25] emotional dampening sequence
Young children do not self-regulate. They [00:20:30] co-regulate. They calm down by borrowing a calm adult's nervous system, This [00:20:35] is a physical reality that relies on mirror neurons in the vagus nerve. Mirror [00:20:40] neurons are those cells in the brain that fire when we act, but also when we observe [00:20:45] someone else acting. They literally mirror the state of the person right in front of us
And the [00:20:50] vagus nerve is kinda like the superhighway connecting the brain to the heart and the lungs, controlling our [00:20:55] parasympathetic, AKA calming system. Okay, a lot of jargon, but I actually think that's helpful
[00:21:00] Because it tells us that when your child is melting down because their pencil broke, Their heart rate [00:21:05] is spiking and their body is flooded with cortisol. They do not have the internal neural [00:21:10] pathways to hit the brakes on that response yet.
They have to borrow your brakes, and so we [00:21:15] start modeling, and that's how we do it
See, when you get physically close, when you lower [00:21:20] your voice and you slow your breathing
which means you're projecting absolute calm, [00:21:25] their mirror neurons pick up your physical state, and then their brain registers [00:21:30] safety, which sends signals down their vagus nerve
physically slowing their heart rate and [00:21:35] stopping the stress hormones
And it's only through reps of this [00:21:40] thousands of times of you walking them through this storm of dysregulation, being [00:21:45] upset, exploding, that they slowly build the neural pathways to eventually do it [00:21:50] on their own The seven-year-old who can take a deep breath is only doing so because they've walked through it [00:21:55] with a calm adult beside them 200 times But here's the heavy flip side to this.
[00:22:00] The adult's emotional state is the absolute ceiling on the child's emotional [00:22:05] state. If your voice sharpens, your jaw clenches, or if you get frustrated, their mirror [00:22:10] neurons register threat. Their amygdala fires, their system locks up, and the learning [00:22:15] is instantly over. This is why homeschool days get away from us.
We have a bad morning, and then we just [00:22:20] kind of can't ever redeem the day. I have had so many days like this, you guys. It is physically [00:22:25] impossible to teach a child who is dysregulated. That part of their brain is turned [00:22:30] off
And this is why we have to talk about what is developmentally [00:22:35] typical. Having big feelings over tiny things at this age is normal. Crying [00:22:40] at gentle correction is standard. Even extreme rigidity in kids this young, [00:22:45] like screaming, "That's not how we do it," or, "That's not fair," is normal because they've just [00:22:50] discovered rules and lack the cognitive flexibility for nuance. They're little. They [00:22:55] can't reason through things like we can
Which means in order to have smooth days, we have to look [00:23:00] closely at how we parent
it makes sense, right? Like smooth days are gonna start with [00:23:05] us. We are the leaders of our home schools. So there was a landmark study That [00:23:10] followed nearly 5,000 Australian children from ages four to seven to see [00:23:15] what actually predicted the growth of self-regulation. Do you wanna hear what the three biggest [00:23:20] predictors were?
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the three biggest predictors were, one, fewer sleep problems, [00:23:25] two, more gross motor activity And three, lower levels of angry parenting
[00:23:30] Chronic exposure to angry parenting, yelling, slamming, silent [00:23:35] treatment, harsh punitive punishment, it keeps a child's amygdala [00:23:40] hypervigilant
When the brain is constantly scanning for a threat, it physically diverts [00:23:45] resources away from developing the prefrontal cortex Cortisol floods the [00:23:50] system and stunts the very neural pathways needed for emotional control
And it's so [00:23:55] sad that people still believe that stricter punishment build [00:24:00] self-regulation in kids, especially little ones. It's just not true
The most rigorous academic [00:24:05] prep work you can do for your four-year-old is protecting their sleep Taking them to the [00:24:10] playground and managing your own temper.
Our calm is the highest [00:24:15] leverage educational tool that we own
Now, I want a little disclaimer here [00:24:20] because someone listening to what I've said so far might think, "Oh, this is soft parenting," or, [00:24:25] one of the trendy terms for parenting that's, like, permissive or something like that, and that is not what I'm [00:24:30] saying at all. I do believe in training kids up. I do believe in teaching them [00:24:35] these important skills, but I also believe that we have to meet them where they are in their [00:24:40] reality with the brains that they currently have.
And to set expectations on kids that are [00:24:45] unrealistic, it really just sets everyone up for failure. But worse than that, it starts to damage [00:24:50] relationship, and that is the foundation that we need. Kids need healthy attachment with their [00:24:55] parents. So don't mistake what you're hearing me say as that I think kids should get away with stuff and not be [00:25:00] held accountable.
That's absolutely not what I'm saying
Before we move on, I just wanna say thank [00:25:05] you for being here, truly. And if you've gotten anything out of today's show, I can tell you [00:25:10] the best way to support it, and it's completely free. Subscribe, hit that like button, and [00:25:15] leave me a comment. And real talk, I recently looked at our YouTube stats, and over [00:25:20] 90% of our watch time is coming from people who are not subscribed.
So if you are one [00:25:25] of those wonderful folks who keeps showing up but hasn't actually hit the subscribe yet, [00:25:30] well, this is your official nudge. Why am I even asking? Well, subscribing [00:25:35] tells those little robots behind the screen that this show is worth putting in front of more moms, [00:25:40] and it helps us keep making these episodes for free to you.
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It really does make a bigger difference than you know. Thank you in advance, [00:26:10] friends. Mwah. Love you.
Okay, let's move on to section four, triage in the moment, [00:26:15] refusals and meltdowns, right? So even with the best preparation, there will [00:26:20] be moments where everything goes sideways. That's life And this is where we need [00:26:25] triage in the moment. And the absolute first rule of triage is diagnosing what's actually [00:26:30] happening Now, there is a vital distinction here, right?
Refusal is, " I won't."
In a [00:26:35] little kid, the first thing that I want you to see and try to have X-ray vision for is the [00:26:40] difference between a refusal and a meltdown, right? A refusal is, " I won't do this," and a [00:26:45] meltdown is them communicating, " I can't. I have a big problem I don't know how to solve."
[00:26:50] If we treat meltdowns like refusals or a refusal like a meltdown, [00:26:55] we will instantly escalate the situation. Okay, so let's break down how to handle both Okay, [00:27:00] first the refusal, the I won't. I'm not gonna do this
You pull out the handwriting sheet, [00:27:05] your five-year-old crosses their arms, glares at you and says, " Nope, I'm [00:27:10] not doing this today."
First thing is try to realize why they're doing that A refusal is like [00:27:15] pulling the emergency exit. The task is too hard, too long, too boring. They had other [00:27:20] plans for their day My kids are really good at making their own plans for each day. In fact, [00:27:25] we'll get to what to do with older kids when their expectations don't match your expectations, especially [00:27:30] regarding schedule
But okay, so back to refusal is like pulling the emergency exit, [00:27:35] meaning the task is too hard, too long, or too boring, or the transition was too abrupt
[00:27:40] Saying no is the fastest escape valve they have. Furthermore, no is a [00:27:45] developmental milestone. They are practicing autonomy and discovering they are separate people
Saying no [00:27:50] and refusing is almost never about disrespecting your [00:27:55] authority. It's not something they are doing to you. we might feel that way, but [00:28:00] it's rarely that
So when that big fat no hits the air, you have a [00:28:05] 60-second protocol to follow. Are you ready? Okay, so seconds zero to 10, don't [00:28:10] escalate. Lower your voice, physically drop down to their eye level so you aren't towering over [00:28:15] them, Cause if you puff up your chest and yell, you signal amygdala that this is a [00:28:20] literal fight for survival.
We don't wanna go there. We don't want to communicate to our kids that a power struggle [00:28:25] is officially on. No, ' cause it's not a power struggle. That's a misdiagnosis. So [00:28:30] that's the first one. You project absolute unshakable calm. Okay? Seconds 10 to [00:28:35] 30, name and narrow. First, name the reality without judgment
I started this [00:28:40] years ago, and it gets me so far in getting to the bottom of things with my kids. So it's, [00:28:45] goes something like this: " Wow, I see you really don't wanna do this handwriting page right now."
[00:28:50] First, that's gonna validate them, it's gonna drop their defenses, especially when you say it in a non-judgmental way. And [00:28:55] then narrow the task to fit whatever tiny battery they have left. So that can [00:29:00] look something like, "Okay, well, let's just go ahead and trace three letters." If that's even too [00:29:05] much, have them do one line
Basically, the way to get through it is you shrink a mountain into a molehill. ' Cause [00:29:10] remember, okay, think of yourself when you are feeling really overwhelmed with a task. See, overwhelm isn't [00:29:15] necessarily having too much to do, ' cause we all have too much to do. I mean, let's [00:29:20] face reality. Overwhelm is really not knowing what to do next and not [00:29:25] knowing how to prioritize, right?
So let's meet our kids where they are in that. It's feeling really big and, [00:29:30] like, never-ending to them in that moment. So we can turn that mountain into a molehill. I did this last [00:29:35] week with my 10-year-old, actually
You could also give a boundage choice in this moment. Like, do you wanna write [00:29:40] with the green marker or the pencil? Because if it's really a need for autonomy in that [00:29:45] moment, you can give them that autonomy while keeping your boundaries with the task. [00:29:50] Like you're doing this anyway, but you can choose which pencil you use, right?
That's kind of what you're doing there
[00:29:55] And then seconds 30 to 60, move or wait. So break the physical tension. [00:30:00] Maybe you could say, " Let's get a quick drink of water and come back," or simply sit quiet and wait [00:30:05] 10 seconds without talking. silence is pretty magical.
And during this minute, do not [00:30:10] threaten, do not lecture, do not negotiate
You know, you don't want every word that you add to [00:30:15] just put external fuel on the fire and overload their working memory and give them something [00:30:20] else to be upset about Now, if you run this protocol and they still say no, I think it's a case-by-case [00:30:25] basis. Is this a kiddo where you really need to let that refusal win for the day?
Close the book and try [00:30:30] again tomorrow? Maybe shorter, a different time, earlier, after a snack. You know, one skipped [00:30:35] phonics page has never caused illiteracy. But a daily screaming match will [00:30:40] absolutely kill their love of learning So there does come a point where you do need to pick battles. Now, some of you might [00:30:45] be thinking, " Wait, Christy, did you just say let them get away with it?"
I have two beliefs regarding this. [00:30:50] Number one is I don't believe every, like, wrongdoing deserves retribution. That's a [00:30:55] very punitive way of looking at things. what I like to do more in my parenting that has [00:31:00] proven to be, really successful in our own household, is I look for patterns.
So rather than, [00:31:05] like, one off moment that makes us all explode, um, sometimes I, I let it [00:31:10] go. When the child is regulated, I bring it up again to discuss it. Now, I have older [00:31:15] kids now, so that's possible. When they are regulated and I am regulated, I go, "Hey, that was a really [00:31:20] hard moment this morning. You do need to learn how to spell, so let's talk about what happened."
[00:31:25] And when they are regulated, they can give you more information, and then you can problem solve together. And [00:31:30] what this does that is so cool is it makes the problem not between you and the kid. [00:31:35] It makes the problem a third party that both of you are now working together to try to solve. [00:31:40] old school parenting styles are like, "You can't get away with that.
You can't talk to me that way. Go to your [00:31:45] room." Where, I think that that is largely ineffective, and it's very much like a [00:31:50] tit for tat mentality. Like, every single wrongdoing you need to catch and punish for, and that [00:31:55] is not the type of parenting that builds relationship. And dare I say, ' cause I was just [00:32:00] researching for my next book this morning, there is absolutely zero evidence that [00:32:05] shows that that is effective.
So I'll leave it there, and we'll move on with the episode. Okay. Part [00:32:10] two, the meltdown, right? We just talked about the refusal. Now we need to talk about that meltdown. So a [00:32:15] meltdown is not a power play, you guys. It's a full system collapse. The [00:32:20] child is sobbing. The paper is crumpled. It's thrown across the room.
Maybe they've [00:32:25] scratched a, you know, they've erased the math problem so much that there's now a hole in the paper They are [00:32:30] completely inconsolable. So there are three distinct types of too hard that [00:32:35] cause meltdowns
And they require different responses. So cool. Okay, so number [00:32:40] one is if something actually is too hard you know, we talk about in learning, what you want to [00:32:45] do in learning is hit that Goldilocks zone with kids. When a skill is too hard, too much of a [00:32:50] jump from, mastery over that skill to where they are now, it's incredibly demotivating for kids, [00:32:55] and that is where you can get some dysregulation and explosive behavior and [00:33:00] meltdowns.
And so as teachers and as students of our own kids, we always want to be [00:33:05] looking for that Goldilocks zone, and if a task is too hard, we can break it down. And by Goldilocks meaning too, [00:33:10] not too hot, not too cold, right? Like that just right where it's just the right level of [00:33:15] stretch so that they can learn something new, but not so much of a stretch that it breaks them, So the way [00:33:20] that you can tell if a task is too hard for a kiddo is if they can't do it even when they are calm and [00:33:25] rested. The fix to that is you back up And rebuild. Maybe break it down into [00:33:30] tasks. that's the first one. Number two is perfectionism. Oh, you guys, [00:33:35] this is so sinister. I truly believe perfectionism [00:33:40] is from the pit of hell. It is so destructive in our lives. cause I, I think that it's the [00:33:45] one thing that society tends to praise and even look for, like in when you're hiring people.
" [00:33:50] What's your biggest weakness?" " "Oh, perfectionism," right? And It's just out in plain sight and just [00:33:55] so destructive. so perfectionism is, what you'll see, [00:34:00] for example, is maybe the work is fine, but their internal standard is the problem. They erase their [00:34:05] B five times because it's not perfect.
Maybe they tear the page, they sob So [00:34:10] when you have a kiddo who struggles with perfectionism, what I want you to hear is that this is not a [00:34:15] quick fix. It could be a lifelong struggle too
What we have to do [00:34:20] to help fight against this is change our culture of praise. So the one [00:34:25] thing that you could change right now is stop praising results and [00:34:30] exclusively praise what is repeatable. Skills that you want to see that are repeatable [00:34:35] rather than anything external, like not praising kids for how smart they are, not praising kids for how [00:34:40] fast they read, not praising kids for how that they got 100% on that page
Things like, " Oh, [00:34:45] I see how hard you worked on that math page. That was a new concept and you really stuck [00:34:50] to it Another thing we can do is model and talk about our own failures, and [00:34:55] reframing them in our lives as learning experiences so they don't have this heavy weight, because [00:35:00] they shouldn't. Humans literally learn through failure. So if we can teach our kids how to fail [00:35:05] well, we are setting them up for such a better life
If it's really bad, I've heard of [00:35:10] some parents instituting a one erase rule
And then you praise them for [00:35:15] only doing that one erase, and you could even praise them for leaving something imperfect
Right? And of course, this goes [00:35:20] without saying, you never want to tell a kid that something is perfect when it isn't. They know. They know you're lying to them. [00:35:25] They know that's not the most beautiful painting you've ever seen That kind of praise undermines [00:35:30] trust. And you want your kids to trust you that you're always telling them the truth. See, people think that praising kids for [00:35:35] that kind of stuff, like, "You scored 10 baskets in that game," they think that that's building their self-esteem, [00:35:40] and it's undermining it actually.
Okay, so three, meltdown. We're in meltdown territory [00:35:45] still, is the nervous system is done, They could do this well at 9:00 [00:35:50] AM, but now it's 11:15. They're hungry. The baby just woke up from the nap and is [00:35:55] crying over the baby monitor It's the tipping point.
So we also have to be looking at timing and [00:36:00] environment with meltdowns Right? And how do you address this? You stop immediately, you feed the kid, you take care of the [00:36:05] baby, you revisit it. and it maybe you can that day, maybe you have to wait till tomorrow
you also have to read your kid [00:36:10] in that way too. no matter which meltdown you're facing, your immediate move is the same in [00:36:15] the moment, though. Get close, get calm, get quiet, and then be an investigator
I [00:36:20] often talk about this in-- when I go to homeschooling conferences and conventions. one of my most [00:36:25] popular talks is on, like, behavior battles, meltdowns, and things like that. And I talk [00:36:30] about moving from being a behavior cop to a behavior detective Which means [00:36:35] us being aware of two dangerous instincts that we can have One, the instinct to [00:36:40] rescue, right?
Just maybe like letting them give up or not try hard or giving them the [00:36:45] answer just to stop the crying, just to put a release valve on any discomfort in the [00:36:50] moment. That is not healthy parenting. Right? It teaches them that crying removes [00:36:55] challenges. It also teaches them that when they are incapable, someone will sweep in and do it for them Okay?
[00:37:00] And then also we need to resist the instinct to just push through like a drill sergeant. That's, "You're [00:37:05] gonna sit here until it's finished," right? What does that teach them? That their distress doesn't [00:37:10] register with you?
We don't wanna break the attachment bond. if this is sounding crazy [00:37:15] kooky to you, I want you to know I was there. I was like, " Those are [00:37:20] soft parents. They're permissive. They're letting their kids get away with all this stuff." I [00:37:25] was there, let me tell you. It has been a long journey to arrive at [00:37:30] where I have come, and it's largely through reading a ton of research and having my [00:37:35] own problems with parenting and seeing stuff not work and relationships with my own kids [00:37:40] damaged, that we are now healing from.
So please know that This is not just me, telling you to, you know, [00:37:45] "Oh, your kid's too young. Let him get away with it." That's not what I'm saying at all. something that you can say is, [00:37:50] rather than, you know, swooping in and rescuing them is, " Yeah, hard things feel like this.
You're not [00:37:55] doing it wrong."
Let's take a break and try a smaller piece. A conversation I had this week with [00:38:00] one of my girls was, " Do you know what learning feels like? Learning feels like [00:38:05] frustration."
I told this child, "You know, if I gave you something every day that you already knew how to do and was [00:38:10] easy, you wouldn't be learning anything. So I'm looking for that little bit of tension that's [00:38:15] just right for me to know that you're growing you just keep repeating those messages in all different [00:38:20] ways, Frustration isn't a sign of failure. It's simply a normal physical [00:38:25] sensation to learning something hard. So the more we can understand that and get comfortable with that, the better [00:38:30] learners we will be and the better learners our kids will be too, because we'll be teaching them that.
[00:38:35] Okay, when we come back, we're gonna talk about one major reason why we experience [00:38:40] so many meltdowns
AD BREAK 4
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Okay, welcome back. So I can't end this episode without talking about this [00:42:00] one thing and that is that a major reason why we experience so many meltdowns in our homeschool days [00:42:05] is sometimes we're asking our kids to do far too much
I see this so often, moms [00:42:10] buying six subjects for a kindergartner because no one told them what the actual [00:42:15] research-backed academic requirements are for their kid's age And did you know that it can fit on a single index [00:42:20] card?
So let's strip back the anxiety and look at what kids should be doing at their [00:42:25] age. So Pre-K age four, no formal academic instruction required. I am [00:42:30] not impressed by the mom who tells me that she's teaching her four-year-old to read
~Tells me more about her than her kid. Did that sound judgy? Maybe~
Right? I just feel like a lot of that [00:42:35] stuff is performative at that age. Instead, focus on language acquisition, daily [00:42:40] read-alouds, phonological awareness like rhyming, clapping syllables, and fine [00:42:45] motor strength like Play-Doh, scissors, tweezers, that is, you know, prepping their hands for writing later. [00:42:50] Everything else, play, being outside, and conversation. For kindergartners, 30 to [00:42:55] 60 minutes total intentional instruction per day
Broken into small chunks, [00:43:00] right? really, we just need to be focusing on letter sounds, blending simple consonant, vowel, consonant [00:43:05] words like cat or sun, counting to 100, writing numbers to 20, and adding [00:43:10] and subtracting within 10 using blocks, things like that. That's it. First grade, around [00:43:15] age six, 90 minutes of total instruction per day, also in those short [00:43:20] blocks.
This is where systematic phonics begins, blends, digraphs, the silent [00:43:25] E. Math can now involve adding and subtracting within 20, tens, and ones. Telling [00:43:30] time to the half hour. Keep reading out loud to them, all the kids actually because their comprehension is [00:43:35] years ahead of their decoding.
We want them to fall in love with story. Second grade, around age seven [00:43:40] 90 minutes to two hours of total instruction per day. This is where you introduce [00:43:45] multi-syllable words, reading chapter books with support, adding and subtracting within [00:43:50] 1,000, skip counting, arrays, money, and writing short paragraphs.
And I even think that [00:43:55] writing short paragraphs is a little ambitious And only now are short 10 to 15-minute [00:44:00] stretches of independent work realistic
Leading early literacy expert Wiley [00:44:05] Blevins emphasized a core principle: mastery over exposure
When you introduce a new [00:44:10] skill, a child's brain requires four to six weeks of systematic review to [00:44:15] master it If they learn a letter sound on Monday and forget it on Thursday, they aren't failing
They're [00:44:20] simply on day four of a 40-day biological process. Is that freeing to [00:44:25] hear? I hope so. Pushing forward too quickly does not build stamina. It just creates [00:44:30] Swiss cheese learning, right? Solid on the outside, but full of structural holes in the middle. [00:44:35] Go slow, review constantly. As we close today, I wanna leave you with one [00:44:40] final thought We have spent this entire episode talking about how learning, attention, [00:44:45] and emotions in early childhood are deeply physiologically [00:44:50] tied to sleep, food, movement, and co-regulation
When a five-year-old's [00:44:55] hardware crashes because these needs aren't met, we call it a meltdown. But look at your own adult [00:45:00] life. Think of your own moments of burnout
Think of your own moments of procrastination, your [00:45:05] struggle to focus on a difficult project, or the times that you've snapped at your spouse over [00:45:10] something tiny
Is it possible that our own adult behavior problems are just our nervous [00:45:15] systems crying out for the exact same things?
A moment of co-regulation with a [00:45:20] trusted friend or your spouse where you're verbally processing what happened in your day that was so upsetting. A [00:45:25] good meal. For me, it's a string cheese and a banana. It does wonders. Or just a [00:45:30] movement break outside. Sometimes when I'm really overwhelmed and dysregulated, I tell the [00:45:35] kids, " "I'm having a hard time right now.
I'm gonna go downstairs and get on my Pilates reformer." And [00:45:40] they say, " That's a good idea, Mom."
So I want to just make the point that we're all human. No, [00:45:45] we're not five
But we do need a bit of grace, some food, some sleep, and [00:45:50] to walk out in the fresh air sometimes
So not only do I hope that you learned something about your kiddo [00:45:55] today, but I also hope that you learned something about yourself And in that, that you give [00:46:00] both of those amazing people grace this week. We don't need to fight our [00:46:05] biology. We need to start matching our days with our capacity
And when we do [00:46:10] that, our homeschool days will transform, And they might just turn [00:46:15] into the smooth days that you're craving. Thanks for listening. I'll see you next week