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Four weeks of birthday cake and no ammo. The flak cannon keeps their ship grounded, the colonel needs a suicide squad, and De Fuckerby just called to say he stole the Debt Collector. Now the crew marches uphill into an Ork army with pocket worms, a kazoo, and a distillery made of fondant. Diversion force. No extraction. Worms.
Website: https://www.narrativedeclaration.com
System: WH40K Wrath & Glory
Creators and Guests
Host
Guest
Guest
Guest
What is WarHams - Narrative Declaration?
WarHams! The TTRPG live play show set in the grim dark world of Warhammer 40,000. Follow us @NarrativeDeclaration on all social media!
three two one go excellent sexy all righty everybody are we all ready for another episode
of warhams
welcome everybody back to warhams this is a little bit off center hope everyone has
been safe hope everybody uh tolerated our little break we are out and about and ready to roll
once more i like to do quick introductions to remind any new people who we are and also just
refresh everyone's memory our skitarii ranger played by speaker d yes i am speaker d i am one
of the lead writers of if the emperor had a text speech device i voice fact i voice the emperor i
voice other people and my brain is here to hit you
with a stick
yeah that's me i write for tts and i'm also here and i am i'm trying my best to medicate them but
reeb is currently experiencing major depression and may continue to experience major depression
let's see what happens murderer in the making i am zone the bear i am playing lawn bonds the
sanctioned sucker the metropolitan captain zedek leader of
the warhams in the making i am zone the bear i am playing lawn bonds the sanctioned sucker
leader of these
rambunctious
fuck. Every time I get to you, I
just fucking die.
It's okay.
I gotta figure out how to say leader of the debt
collector and then like Captain Zedek, which
is like both leader positions.
It's just horrible.
Captain Zedek, who runs
the debt collector, played
by Hokey Crow.
Yeah, that's me.
I play Captain Zedek.
I am a on-again, off-again voice actor
on Empty Everett, a text-to-speech device, and
it's adjacent projects.
And also the community manager for
Warhams and Warhams adjacent
projects. And I feel good.
It's good to be back.
You got some fan stuff in your background. Also,
the one who will be leading us
on the adventure today, the
illustrious and no-go-lind
leader, Thurston
Hillman.
Hello, hello.
It's me. It's Thurston. I'm gonna make
all these people suffer. That's what I do.
I'm here to eternally
make them suffer. Welcome to Warhams,
where I make people suffer. Yay!
And with that, who's taking
care of Tater Tot
today?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We got
some people taken after.
I'd like to thank our
servitors looking after Tater Tot.
We got Cy Turan,
Iconoro,
Wreckcom, Old Man
Skeletal, and Grand
Admiral, which is the
worst, best dad joke ever.
I like it.
Thank you for that. And also, everybody, I encourage
you to wait till the end of the show
for the credits section so we can give you
all a nice thank you.
And with that, overall, just
kind of a big heads up for this particular
episode. I'd like to give a big
shout out to Mooman. He is
the one who's been working specifically on the
Warhammer Fantasy
Foundry VTT system.
So people who are playing 4th Edition
Warhammer Fantasy, he's been working on that.
And he has recently kind of just updated
the Wrath and Glory one for Foundry
VTT, and we have just switched to it. This is the
first time I think anyone's played on
this kind of release. He's just
updated to like 1.2.
And we're not using Roll20 anymore.
We're now currently using Foundry Virtual Tabletop
for like both of our games now, and that's what we're using
for this one. And if
someone can roll me a couple
dice here, does all of you roll me
dice or something? Just roll me a roll.
So if you
are seeing things, actually I need to turn on
this, you can actually hear the dice rolling bits.
There we go. We have Warhammer's dice.
We have
Warhammer's dice, have a little logo and stuff.
Blackadder or Iron Goring has
really helped us out by texturing
this stuff on here, putting it onto a
3D thing, along with
Mooman helping importing
in, because for some reason importing
these dice in the Foundry is just
super annoying.
I don't know why it's so convoluted
and weird. But yeah,
but we now have Warhammer's dice, and hopefully
if everything gets kind of put together,
everything kind of works out, we hope to
kind of release this to the public. So if you're ever
playing Warhammer Fantasy
or Wrath and Glory,
you actually get to use these dice. But right now,
we're just giving this all a test right now.
But speaking of which, I'm going
to make the
thing even louder.
So the dice can be
heard even easier. But yeah, so
with that, Thurston. Yes.
What adventure
do you have for us today?
Well, well, as
a quick recap for those who've been following
our intrepid band of chucklefucks
last episode,
their mission of
searching for one Slejaburgo
de Fakrby was
co-opted slightly, and they were
sent on another mission for the local government
to the fourth moon of Fimbria
IV, which was a
Imperial Guard Astromilitarum
outpost that was now
under attack by orcs.
Our chucklefucks
brought with them
desperately needed supplies for the outpost
which were locked, and so
while these supplies were being
unlocked, our band of adventurers went
around and got to meet some of the
members of this
beleaguered guard
outpost, which was then
attacked en masse by a large,
large, large host of orcs.
And so the guard, finally
having cracked the codes on the
supplies, opened them up, only
to find that the supplies, instead
of
of the
necessary military supplies,
contained cakes
and party hats, and
various other
not-important goods for a military
outpost, but really good for morale.
And that
is where we kind of left off last
session, as our
band of heroes has now kind
of been ostracized from all of the guard
here, because instead of
bringing salvation, they bought
sausages and cakes and doom.
So then, let us
let us speak
in
28 days
following that
event.
Oh, no. Crow.
Crow top left corner.
Things have
changed. Things have gotten
a bit intense.
We are
we are
at war.
As we begin our session,
the walls of the
Astromilitarum outpost have completely
fallen. The
Cadian 1313th
have been besieged
by orcs for the better part of
four weeks to this point.
Constantly at war,
constantly battling against enemies.
And
with this,
they have managed, finally,
to gain a
brief bit of respite
with the orcs stopping their ceaselessly
ceaseless attacks, though a few boys still
so poke at the outer defenses.
The Imperial Guard are now
quite beleaguered, quite
broken down, defenseless.
Things have have just gone
quite quite a miss.
For some reason, there's also a gray background
on on Lauren's screen for some reason.
I don't know what's going on.
Yeah. OK, sweet.
And so so with all of this,
our our band has been fighting
for the past four weeks.
All of you have been bruised,
battered. You're you're all down
to effectively your your your
few remaining ammo packs.
Each of you only have your current load of ammo
on your weapons and one additional load that
you've managed to scrounge up from the
area for the first time
in what seems like months.
In fact, well over a month,
you've managed to meet together
in a single tattered
tent that lies at the center
of the military encampment.
Each of you having been fighting
for quite some time along
with you is another
trooper who has come out
of the gauntlet changed.
This is you recognize
as Trooper now Corporal
River Hest, who has
come come to experience the horrors
of war and battle her
way through them.
She has now taken the
the sidearm of or sorry,
the special weapon of another guard
taking on a grenade launcher,
which she routinely utilizes
to support her
her allies in the field.
She is with you
along with one other individual
that you that you previously spent
time with Medicaid
Primus Briston, the sort
of fatherly old man
who was the the medic that looked
after the the entrenched
troopers.
All of you were in the room
and it's it's the Medicaid Primus
who sort of starts things up.
Well, seems like the attacks
have have gone down a bit
this this past few days.
Maybe the greenskins are getting tired.
No, greenskins do not tire.
Greenskins bore.
No doubt they might be pushing
their numb brains up on one another
and are hoping for more.
They're hoping for a counterattack.
Remain vigilant, gentlemen,
and Corporal Hess, you too.
She's Corporal has turns to you
still having a low stick
in her mouth.
She sort of nods.
Rumor is that the
the colonel's got got things
planned, big offensive.
We're going to we're going to take out
that gun so your ship can help us.
That's the plan.
She takes it like a deep drag
from the low stick,
checking the the armament
on her grenade launcher,
slapping in a few fragmentation grenades.
Well, at least we've had
a never ending supply of bodies to inspect.
Always nice, always nice, very, very nice indeed.
Normally, I would commend you
for looking at the positives,
but I don't think that's a positive
in this situation.
Reeve, you don't get to tell me
what's a positive right now, Captain.
You don't get to tell me a damn thing.
And, like, there's this, like, deep drag on the low stick that fills the silence as Corporal Hest raises her hand,
takes the cigarette out, and smashes it with her tattered boot.
And she just pauses, looking out the tent.
The Emperor gifts his worthy subjects, and he's gifted us with a lot of green skins to kill.
Well, it's a glorious day in the Astra Militarum, it is.
I could not agree more.
If you'll excuse me, she stands up, hefting her grenade launcher.
There's still a bit of metal on here left to put some kill marks on.
And she, like, walks out with her grenade launcher.
You know, guys, I think all things considered, this could be going worse.
I have a question.
Yes.
Just to see how worse it is, actually.
So, they're out of supplies, for the most part, right?
Only supplied by the birthday stuff, right?
Oh, oh, yes, yes, yes.
In fact, to...
Go ahead.
I was just going to say, to illustrate that point, walking in front of the tent,
you see a single dejected guardsman.
Just walking in front of the tent.
You know, all that's left of platoon C.
When we got this art, I chuckled a fairly good amount.
So, to describe it for audio, it is, imagine a normal Imperial guardsman,
but he has the face as if he just, he has the purest form of depression on his face.
Like, knowing that his family is dead, there's no way to get home,
there's nothing for him when he finally gets out,
and he's wearing a stupid fucking party hat on his head.
Very bright pink party.
And, uh, I, the question I wanted to ask was that, um, like, so food supplies have been low, right?
Yes.
So, birthday cakes have been provided, yes?
Oh, yes.
So, we've been eating birthday cakes for nearly a month.
Yeah, for basically four weeks, you've been eating, uh, sausages and birthday cakes have been your primary meal.
So, I assume Lauren is just rocking back and forth in a corner while everyone's having a conversation.
God, now I'm more fond of it.
I can't eat a mother cake, it's a fondant!
Mm-hmm.
And, like, Medicaid Briston is looking over to you.
Ugh.
Well, the fondant's not the worst part.
It's, it's the inside of the cake that's not good anymore.
You definitely don't want any of that.
Lauren pukes.
That thing probably spoiled, like, like, two days,
because I've been traveling for, like, a month to get here.
Uh, Reeb is going to, uh,
at this point, seeing as how we don't have much left to discuss,
he's going to turn to Briston.
Briston!
If you please.
May we retire to the, uh, mortuary area
so I may continue my investigations on these orcs, if you don't mind.
Sounds like a...
And, like, as he says that, uh,
the, the party guardsman from outside pokes his dejected head,
the party hat scraping against the top of the tent slightly,
as he kind of, like, looks in.
Hello.
The colonel wants to talk to all of you.
She's in the command...
Wait, sorry.
The, the remains of the command tent.
She wants to talk to you.
Says it's important, for whatever that means anymore.
And, like, in the background, you hear the thudding of shells,
and, like, the occasional Laz discharge.
Oh.
Sounds like...
There's another attack on the wall.
Guess I'm gonna have to fight him with this.
And he pulls out, like, one of those confetti guns.
Ran out of my energy cells.
Hopefully this will be okay.
Turns, walks away.
Okay, bye, have fun!
Yes, yes, you'll be fine, whatever.
Let's get a move on, come on.
His smile and optimism gone.
He's walking.
Pie's just got a spring in his step.
Hmm, see, Captain?
Zedek, you seem like you're in a bad mood lately.
Oh, really?
How could you tell?
Was it the untrimmed beard?
Was it my unkempt hair?
Or the fact that I haven't had liquor in four weeks?
Oh, well, you know, you can probably make moonshine out of promethium.
You cannot.
You might die.
No, I don't want to make moonshine.
I want to be back on my ship and blissfully unaware of the horrors of war.
Oh.
Captain, if you manage to kick your addiction to alcohol,
all in one month, I will commend you.
If you go back aboard the ship and begin drinking again,
it'll be just like normal, and I will not respect you.
Shall we please go to the remains of the command tent now?
We haven't stopped walking, but yes.
Go walk quicker.
I'm walking as fast as my liquor-deprived legs can.
And with that, you make your way to the tattered remains of the command tent,
which is now just two steps.
There are sticks holding up a small tarp,
under which is the ragged form of Colonel Bellia Crotwell,
who looks up as you welcome.
Ah, goods, you have come.
Good, good, good.
We have a mission for you.
Come, look at this.
And, like, clearly there is a crayon-drawn style map,
nowhere near the fine tactical overlay that you've had before.
It has been replaced with,
uh, tattered parchment that has been scrawled upon.
Why did the Primarchs think to send these guardsmen,
who are all, for all intents and purposes, adults,
crayons on top of the cake?
A kazoo plays in the background.
What is on the tattered parchment, Thurston?
It appears to be, like, terrain overlays,
like someone has done an overhead,
uh, probably like a hexagonal map with little terrain,
and then types doodled onto them.
Thurston, I have a question.
Yes?
Last time we came here, they were playing 4DK.
At this point, how many paper proxies are they using?
Oh, this is, like, entirely proxied.
This is, like, there are, there's a,
there's a Recaf cup that is clearly being used to,
to denote the base you're in,
but the cup has been chipped,
so it's, yeah, it's, like, no longer even usable as a cup.
There's an orange with toothpicks in it that is being used,
to represent Marnius Kalgar.
Yes!
It's theater of the mind!
It's theater of the mind!
War theater of the mind!
The colonel looks at the orange,
I only wish this one were true,
but it gives the men hope,
and she takes it off the board.
Velsen.
Velsen,
as you may have been aware for the past four weeks,
you have not been the most popular people here.
No.
But that is all about to change,
because you are going to go on an important mission.
Oh.
Oh.
The military command has decided
you are to spearhead our advance
against the flak gun.
What?
Yes.
Ah. Good. Excellent use of our time.
Bye.
You and me will be taking the front on this, I assume.
More than likely, yes.
Now you say THE flak gun.
Now you say THE flak gun.
Yes.
I will require more information
about the strategic import of this mission.
Well,
if you look up into the sky,
you will see that it is dark
and gray and black.
That is because the orcs have a continual
flak field firing.
It is coming from one primary weapon
which they have placed on
the side of a mountaintop.
That site used to be the primary location
of our anti-aircraft weaponry
when the orcoids landed on this planet
after entering the system
and removed it.
They have now placed their own
cannon, which rather than
shooting things out of the sky
prevents anything from coming
or going.
So,
in order for
Captain Zedek's ship to provide
any kind of assistance
and for us to get through the comm jamming,
that flak weapon must be taken
down.
Very good.
Yes, this is most good.
Um, might I ask
an unrelated question?
Of course.
Have you done
any work in perhaps
locating the location
of their leadership, their
war boss?
We believe that they do not have a
single war boss, but
instead they are under some sort of
mechanic stroll.
The mechanic is with the great
gun.
Then this is an
exceedingly scrumptious
tactical mission.
Can I quickly roll a
scholar on that kind of
Xenos thing, because I feel like Reeb might know that.
Oh, absolutely.
Yeah, give me a scholar check.
Let's say difficulty
four. Difficulty number...
Oh,
DN? It says DN. Yeah.
So you just change that to four.
Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrllll.
Uh...
Four or six successes. Not bad.
Not bad. Uh, yeah,
so you even have a shift in there
which you can utilize to kind of
know a good amount. It would make
sense that with orcs that you've been fighting,
they've been using a lot of ramshackle vehicles,
they've been utilizing a lot of
um, like, innovative
tactics that aren't just throwing boys
at you. It seems
quite likely
that this flak field
would be the innovation of a mech
and these sort of
mechanically inclined orcs are
often some of the most dangerous
because they can produce
things that have never been seen
by imperial commanders
the main danger coming from this
individual is no doubt his technical
prowess rather than his physical
imposing nature
but should not be underestimated
in any regard as he may be developing
technology that we have
no idea how it functions
even more so than usual
be on your guard if we come across him
hmm
that's intriguing
lord raises a hand
lord
I
have two questions
one
as we are spearheading this
are we going to get any support
or are we all alone
yes
yes
yes
yes
yes
yes
the colonel looks at you
her bionic like fizzing
slightly
you will be leading
a very important side attack
whilst our main force
advances this way she kind
of like moves paper chits
around the table
do any of you have any skills you think
would be like appropriate for military tactics
yeah I think that
pie scholar probably includes
military tactics failing that I have
yeah
my best guess would be an insight
I'll give an insight too
yeah absolutely
let's go for insight difficulty four
scholar difficulty five in this case
got it
yeah
I get you a wrath
uh
okay so you get a complication but
um
you fail
but pie brain manages to
to get a point of glory for you and succeed
glory
um I'm going to utilize a complication here
um
is that as you're like looking at this I'm
I'm going to actually say that even though you you failed that the complication lets
you succeed
uh but you're gonna like have some traumatic moment from your past come through here reeb
this will be called sob story it's uh from our
supporter squaggle uh if an agent complicates on an information skill test they have to
repeat some really terrible grimdark story from their past and everyone has to give me
a difficulty three willpower test or take shock damage so as you're as you're like seeing what's
happening and in pie brain you and immediately recognize this you're the diversion force
you're essentially going produce right in and like attract all the orcs attention so
that they turn to allow Croutwell and her actual um remaining troops the time necessary
to do the damage but you're kind just going to be a suicide force going in now Reeb I
like you to explain like go in at some degree have energy but like in some.
kind of past sob story, why this has special meaning,
and make everyone look at you and go, oh God.
Oh, terrific.
This is just like back on Gravo.
You know, what's incredible about
that wretched little jungle planet
is that there were so many animals on it,
so many worm-like creatures.
There was, the animals were from far reaches,
all composed of various worm shapes, you know that?
But they all had a central theme.
We had a situation very similar to this.
I remember being on the opposite end.
Colonel, I was in your position, actually,
if you can believe that.
This is very amusing, don't you think, Colonel?
You see, I know exactly what's happening.
We are the proverbial menials
going up the left side of the hive cluster,
where all the worms are living,
crawling in and out of the muck
and the ruined rotten corpses.
And we, we are going in to kill the brain
because we are important.
As in, we are the ones who are going in
We, as in you, Colonel, are important.
We are not.
We are going, we are going in the ravines
where the worms are to distract them
with our useless meat flesh.
Isn't that correct, Colonel?
Reeb is actively smiling at this.
There's like this, this, this, like slight,
like wide eye from the Colonel,
but like the slightest nod.
Can the other three of you please give me
willpower checks?
Difficulty three, as you hear this,
this fucking, like,
this fucking terrible success.
I get three successes and a willpower for me,
so Pye is just going to be completely toned up.
He'll be like, yeah, that's right, Reeb.
And not see successes and three failures first.
Do I have to willpower for my own story?
No, no, no, you don't.
Lauren, can you give me that willpower test too?
I'm clicking it and it's giving me a,
no, you're not allowed to.
So we're having a little,
real quick. Oh, it's a willtech.
Configure permissions.
Oh, it's cause,
it's cause you log it out and log back in again, maybe?
I'll just reset it.
Cause I had the character sheet open.
Just reset it to me, I guess.
I did.
Let's try now.
Hmm.
Okay, I'll just roll six one.
Oh yeah.
You've got, yeah, you've got, yeah, six.
Oh, whoa.
There they all are.
The L came in at once.
Yeah.
We'll take the first one.
Okay. Yeah.
So that's a success, which is good.
So, so like Lauren,
you've heard of this kind of bullshit.
You kind of have the, the like, okay.
Yep.
And like, Pybrain is apparently all in.
Captain Zedek,
we'll look at that.
You, you gain three,
you take three points of shock from this.
As you just hear this and are like, what?
Oh, well, you know, Reap,
that sounds startling, similar, oh,
startlingly similar to,
how I lost my brother, Halphonse.
Worms, Captain.
Oh, yes.
We, we are worm food, Captain.
Oh, yes.
We are going to die.
Colonel, rejoice.
You get to clear your group of us,
because we are such bad luck for you.
The sound of a kazoo cuts you off
as the party guardsman stands at the,
the side opening of the tent.
If we're gonna get kazoos, I'll be right back.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
No!
Yes.
Where is it?
Oh, God. Oh, no.
Ah, just.
Found it!
There we go.
There we go.
As party guardsman returns.
I really, I really appreciate how fucking,
there we go.
Thank you.
Colonel, Colonel, we have news.
The, the interplanetary vox unit, it, it has a signal.
What?
We haven't had a signal since this crack field started.
How is it possible?
I don't know, but the, the lex mechanics say
they have a signal coming from off planet.
I should go, I should go listen to this right away.
Who could it be?
Who, who could it be?
Eh ooh.
And like, she walks the five feet to the next like tent.
Tent in like parentheticals, the, like one robed tech adept
who's manually hitting some kind of like device.
There is an incoming signal Colonel.
But it is not for you.
It is designated for the ambassadors.
What?
I, I think... I think it is not for you. It is designated for the ambassadors.
Ah, good, great.
Captain, this is for you.
Yes, please, please, God, for anything else.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And there's, like, the lex mechanic nods and turns and goes back
and fidgets with a few dials, and you hear, like, the whining radio,
like, as it's, like, connecting.
And there's, like, this static.
As this voice is trying to come through.
Hello, hello, is anybody there?
Can you hear us?
I know who that is.
What do you mean?
Why, hello, my fine fellow ambassadors.
It is I, Slayer Burgh, who de facto be the 24th of my name.
Mm-hmm, pressing record.
Hello, Slayer Burgh, how de facto be?
20-whatever of your whoever.
Why are you fucking carrying me?
Oh, my Lord's scrambled.
What do we owe the pleasure?
I hear you have fallen into a little bit of problems with some green skins.
It's most unfortunate, friends.
Know that you are in...
...my thoughts, and I think of you often as I continue to work for the betterment of mankind.
Yeah, sure.
Is that the only thing you called us to say?
Let us speak.
I simply wanted you to know that I have very much appreciated everything you have been doing down there.
I know it has been difficult, and I am sure you will be able to last.
But, but, you see, I must be absconding with something of yours.
What?
Uh...
Well, you see, as you were hunting me, I, in truth, was hunting you.
For, you see, you have something very important to my latest mission, a means of transportation.
No.
No.
No!
Hmmmmmm...
What do you mean by that?
Don't you be a fucker, de fuckerby!
Ah, well, it's...
I have to go.
I have a new...
...a new chamber to go break in, if you understand my meaning.
I...
I will leave you with...
...with my, with my underling, to handle.
Mr de fuckerby, may I talk with you just a moment, please?
If you would be so courteous.
Oh...
Is that, uh, the famed Inquisitorial Acolyte Reap Van Horn, I hear?
It is. Thank you for remembering me. I very much appreciate it.
It's been so interesting having to look for you, sir.
Believe me, you leave quite an interesting trail behind you.
Ah, well, men of greatness often do, you see.
Yes. Hey, uh, Zoran, uh, there's the crew, really.
You guys mind if I, uh, drain the glory pool for an intimidate?
By all means. Sure.
Do it.
Alright, I hope this works, because I'll feel real bad if it sucks. I'll wrath it if it doesn't.
I appreciate the level of spite, like, we will use all of our points just to yell at him.
So I have, that'll give me a nine for the pool, right? A difficulty what?
Uh, let's say, like...
Just roll it, and I'll tell you how it goes.
Mr. DeFuckabee...
I'm gonna say seven is the baseline, though.
Mr. DeFuckabee, when we eventually meet, I want you to know,
I am going to plunge my hands into your guts and tie your colon shut!
Six, I'm gonna wrath that.
Absolutely.
Uh, how do I wrath this?
Yeah, so this is the awkward bit about this one.
You're just gonna have to count the ones that you failed, uh, to roll.
Yeah, so, so, one, two, three...
So it says failure's five, so just roll five D.
Yeah, we have, we have the dice roll at the bottom, so you can click it to add, and right-click it to minus, so you can see the D6 there.
There you go.
There we go.
Yay!
And to see the individual ones, just, uh, click the 15.
Click on the 15.
And then you'll see exactly which ones it is.
So I have three additional, so that'll make it a nine.
Uh, yeah, absolutely.
And, like, there's...
Oh!
So, so, so crap!
Yes, I, uh, I, I, you, I, I leave you!
I say good, good, good day to you!
Goodbye!
Goodbye!
Farewell, Mr. DeFuckerby!
Goodbye!
Farewell!
Goodbye!
Hello!
Hello!
Okay!
It's, um, Citizen Zedek!
Ah!
What did you just say to me?
I want you to know that I understand the pressures of being captain were too great, and that
you wanted a great man to have possession of the ship.
I think your father would understand.
Are you saying this of your own free will?
Free will, Lieutenant Ransom.
I think you made the right choice.
I think you are a good person, Captain Citizen Zedek.
And then you hear, like, this voice, like, distant from the fox.
Prepare to leave.
Leave system.
And then there's, like, this crackle, and the fox just dies.
When I find that man, I will be so thankful these gloves are red, because I'm going to
plunge my fat thumbs right into his emperor-damned eye sockets!
Get in line, Captain.
We have business to take care of.
Oh, we have more important fish to fry.
We are not leaving this planet until we get something to deal with the flat cannon.
Well, it's so good to know that we won't have a ship in order to help us when we get to Blackfield
Con, but hopefully you can deal with the orgoids.
Sure, why not?
I assure you, there is no hope.
Merely dreams of future war and dead, dead orcs.
And Pye is going to snap his fingers so hard they briefly come out.
The sockets, before he plunges them back in.
Gentlemen, a good slaughter will get this treachery out of our minds, I think.
DeFuckervee doesn't understand the quality of gentlemen he's fucking with.
Yes, quite, certainly.
No doubt.
Well, sure.
Shall we get a move on?
We have things to take care of.
Absolutely.
As they say, it is a good day to go to war.
All right, very good.
You'll be going through the forest.
As you can see, you'll be going through the forest to the base of the mountains into a
cavern path that leads to a snow valley and then up the snow valley to the flak cannon.
Very good.
Best of luck.
To you.
Be sure to make lots of noise on your trip and be very loud.
Yes, certainly.
You got it.
I'm going to dig into the ground for a moment.
Hey, DM, are there any worms on the ground?
Worms?
Like earthworms?
Roll a cunning check.
Yeah, it's what do you like?
Give me a narrative declaration.
You want some worms?
A narrative declaration for there to be an earthworm?
Absolutely.
On this awful planet?
Yes.
Okay, fine.
Give me a wrath to have an earthworm.
Very good.
I'm going to reach down and grab an earthworm.
Hey, Reeb.
And I'm going to put it calmly in his hand.
There you go, friend of mine.
This will make you feel better.
Worms.
Very good.
Actually, Reeb will take one of the worms out of the mound of dirt.
And he will take one of the worms out of the mound of dirt.
And he will take one of the worms out of the mound of dirt.
And he will take one of the worms out of the mound of dirt.
And he will turn to the Colonel.
Colonel, keep this worm alive, please.
I expect that worm to be alive when we get back from our little mission.
If it's not, I'll be very upset.
Please take this worm.
Worm.
She takes it like...
She is looking at you like every screw of yours is now loose.
And there is nothing left of a human being in there.
Keep the worm alive, Colonel.
The worm.
Remember the worm.
You see, everything's coming up.
All we need to do is just kill orcs and, you know, worm.
You all get it.
No, the worms are dealt with.
We just need to kill orcs.
Worm.
All right.
Let us go.
For Lemuria!
And I'm going to begin running in a direction that is the wrong way.
Until such a point, everyone directs me in the right way.
Okay.
Yeah, I assume Captain Zedek, you are somewhat not taking point, but you are directing them.
So we're going to set up here.
We're going to push along this path through the forest.
And then, over time, we'll draw the orcs in.
And then we'll just pot them all.
We'll burn them.
We'll burn the fungus right off the planet.
It's going to be great.
It's going to be so good that the Primarchs will see it from orbit.
And then, then, we'll have recompense.
Captain.
Captain, with all due respect, Captain, I don't want the Primarchs to see a damn thing.
They screwed us.
No, the Primarchs didn't screw us.
The fucker bestrewed us.
I'm...
Zedek's gritting his teeth so hard you can see one of them visibly crack.
Oh, I have to fix that.
Damn you.
Later.
I will admit what the Primarchs did is so stupid that not even I would do it.
Cut, cut, cut to, like, X months earlier, Vulcan.
It would be a great idea.
These godsmen would love it.
Well, gentlemen, before we head out, I have one stop to make before we go elsewhere.
So, if you don't mind, I need to make a quick pit stop.
Yeah, go ahead.
I'm just going to think of war crimes while you're gone.
You do that, Captain.
Share them with me later.
Okay.
Oh, uh, Lorne, would you like to come with me?
Um...
Lorne currently has, like, one of those partying kazoos,
and he's just really depressed about everything right now, so he'll go.
Mm-hmm.
Very good.
Right this way, Lorne, come on.
Okay, Reeb, where are you taking Lorne?
So, uh, you mentioned earlier how all the, like, cakes and the sausages and whatnot
have been, of course, like, old by this point.
Yes, yes.
Uh, we cut to behind the Medicaid tent where Reeb has established a small distillery.
And is refining the cakes and sausage into the world's worst hooch.
Oh, absolutely.
Like, like, Reeb's sour pooch kraut.
Oh, God.
Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah, okay, Lorne.
Okay.
Is Lorne going to take the hooch?
He said thank you.
Oh, I heard it.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Is he going to drink it?
Yeah, sure.
Lorne doesn't care.
Lorne downs it.
No fear.
Give me a difficulty three toughness test.
Oh, I'm also in fear.
Difficulty two.
Difficulty two.
You wish.
Do I have to make that?
Do I have to make that test?
Because I've been distilling it.
Are you drinking it?
Of course he is.
Okay, yeah, you too.
You too.
Absolutely.
Difficulty two toughness test.
Absolutely.
I see an issue.
I'm going to.
What?
Yeah, mine takes a while, but if I do it like this.
Okay, I can't pop out my window.
That's going to be annoying.
Okay.
Josh is going to see my character.
See a lot.
It's okay.
That's okay.
Okay.
But I passed.
You did pass.
Okay, so Lorne passes.
Oh, we're full.
And then Reeb complicates.
Excellent.
Reeb, you, like, you are not only, like, you're not going to be able to do anything.
Like, Debbie Depresso, you are just, like, sick Debbie Depresso.
And kind of, kind of, like, a little bit, like, drunk, no filter left anymore.
Well, see, that's the, that's the secret, Thurston.
Oh, no.
Because he's been drinking to suppress the depression and become semi-sensible.
And now it has done the exact opposite.
Exactly.
Bloody hate this drink.
And Lorne is re-energized by this.
Well, don't worry about it, Reeb.
At least we'll try to, hopefully we'll fucking die on the battlefield when we get there.
Maybe, you know, drown in the trenches.
Well, if we don't die there, I'd certainly hope there's something that we can do to get a ship.
Otherwise, we're stuck here and that's not exactly interesting.
Well, I, I don't know.
Well, we have to see how the orcs got here.
That might be an option.
Probably the same way they got here.
Probably the same way they got anywhere.
By hurling themselves really hard through orbit.
Aye, with enough prayers for the Emperor, Reeb, I'm sure we can hurl ourselves straight up to the fucker's stupid fucking face.
Let's go ahead and head on.
Aye.
So, as, uh, as you, you begin exiting the camp, all of, all of, like, the soldiers are giving you these dirty looks.
Far off.
The distance, you know, Corporal Hest is firing grenades into, like, attacking groups of orcs, uh, shouting and, like, giving commands to men.
But, but you leave through the side, side exit, dejected onto a forested path.
The same one, in fact, you walk down to, to save Trooper Hest only four weeks ago.
Where once was an idyllic forest is now a rather somber.
Affair.
Uh, you can see that the trees here are, are spooky and, like, most of the leaves have fallen off.
The grass here is burned in several areas.
You occasionally hear ululating hooting, which might be the sounds of orcoids.
It might be the sounds of some surviving animals.
It's difficult to tell.
Um, but all in all, you are making your way through this forest.
And as you travel through the forest, you start hearing strange, strange noises.
Every, every few steps, it sounds like something is, like, a branch cracking behind you.
Or some, a rock falling from the top of a tree.
Sounds that constantly, constantly distract your senses as you move.
Huh?
Huh?
Huh?
Huh?
Huh?
Huh?
Huh?
Huh?
Huh?
Huh?
Huh?
Huh?
Huh?
Huh?
Huh?
Huh?
Huh?
Huh?
Huh?
Huh?
Huh?
Huh?
Oh, yes.
We are likely to be ambushed at any moment.
That seems ominously foreboding and strangely likely.
Mm-hmm.
But, gentlemen, do not despair.
I have been sent on many suicide missions, and every single one, I lived.
We will survive.
And if we don't, eh, whoopsie.
But, it's gonna be great!
And as you give that, like, powerful, impassioned speech,
speech by brain,
you turn back to the path
to see in front of you a single
greenskin standing
in the middle of the path.
I'm gonna
pick one of you at random. I don't know.
Hulky Crow. How does this greenskin
greet the party?
Oh, you're random.
It's all super
random. Yeah, super random.
Dice toss, really.
Oh, I always
recognize you two.
We saw you a couple of weeks ago.
Looking a lot
worse for a way, but
shouldn't be that tough to
use now.
Takes a big drag
off the fungus cigar.
Has like a giant fungus cigar
goggles, like a
bandana that also has
you know, like
a headset coming off of it. He's got
a knife. He's got like
a big tattoo on one of his biceps
that just says grown to crump.
This is a very
powerful looking greenskin.
I raise my hand.
Waiting to be called on.
Yay!
Here's a
red one.
Thank you. I have a question.
Did you bring any
friends?
Friends?
I ain't got no friends.
Friends.
I just got my boys, though.
You brought your boys?
That is most unfortunate.
In fact.
This is going to be very embarrassing for you.
In fact.
Did my brain's eyes turn red at this?
Yes.
One of Shane's behind you right now.
Creighton points his finger at the party.
Are any of you looking behind you?
No.
Captain Zedek will look back.
Yeah, he would.
Creighton's staring right in Captain Zedek's face.
I wish you hadn't said that.
I wanted to just shoot a flamer behind me.
That would have been awesome.
I know.
I didn't want to interrupt Hulky,
but Hulky was like, I'm going to play into my own hand.
Well, you see, Captain Zedek
is just going to be wheeling around
and popping off an arc pistol.
So I'm going to need Creighton's to
not die here.
I'm also going to flamer. Can I do that, too?
Oh, okay.
Okay, one sec here, friends.
Yeah, take your time, please.
Set up the bombs.
Yeah, let me maybe set up some stuff here.
Okay, so we've got
in front of you
down this little path.
I'm going to adjust some things here.
We've got this.
Captain Zedek's in the back.
It's going kind of like this.
You're sort of walking closey-close.
Got Creighton's
at the edge of the path there.
There.
All right.
And then we've got also Creighton's behind you
for some reason, because
who knows how any of this works.
Okay, because they're orc magic
and, you know, they're all just magical orc girls.
All right.
Let's maybe
try our hand at a map here.
Bam.
Kind of like Wahoo Shoujo.
All right.
So since we're breaking into combat mode
and you're all wanting to attack,
who's going to go first?
Zedek, because he's right there.
He's going to shoot him.
He's going to do it.
He also he also has to possibly dodge my flamer attack.
True.
Do the funny thing that Reeb did and just make physics bend to your will
and bend the flame around to not hit me.
Yeah, you got to curve the flame.
I've got something special planned for when it comes my turn to actually attack him.
So you go first.
I'll do the famed Captain Zedek move and shoot him with my gun.
While standing still.
So I hit you with flame.
Of course.
Zedek doesn't know you're going to shoot him.
How about you don't do that?
Okay.
Okay.
Who's going and what are you doing?
Captain Zedek is going to shoot.
Okay, cool.
So you're going to shoot at Cretans.
Correct.
You're engaged, but you can use a pistol and melee.
No problem.
His defense goes up by two, but that's about it.
Seven successes and a crit.
Oh, my God.
Oh, absolutely.
Hell yeah.
Okay.
So and a crit.
So roll me a 2d6 and we'll find out what this this crit is, my friend.
I would love to.
Yeah.
Just click that d6 twice and then there you go.
All right.
So your total is 35.
So that is going to be a savage attack that leaves the opponent a mangled mess,
slashing, burning, breaking or ripping them in with violent force.
They suffer a mortal wound, and if they survive, they acquire a
memorable injury.
And then you can spend glory to apply more mortal wounds to it if you would like.
I would like to spend additional glory.
Just one?
I mean, we have six and we've been getting them like gangbusters.
Yeah.
Let's let's just pump all six into it.
Holy shit.
Yeah.
Wait, could you maybe pump five?
So we have one to interrupt.
Oh, yeah.
That's fair.
That's fair.
Wow.
Wow.
Wow.
We're like a big tactical guys.
You know, like we play this.
All right.
All right.
All right.
Mark me down a rune point.
Okay.
So.
So as Captain Zedek turns, sees this orc like living, breathing in front.
He raises up the arc pistol, lining up a perfect shot to the heads of this second orc commando
who looks airingly like the first.
Fires point blank, the blast ripping through the head, arcing energy off into the trees
beyond like creating this kind of sparkle shower show.
And that's when Captain Zedek realizes he has destroyed the cardboard cutout of Cretans
that collapses slowly back.
The pressure of the air, even keeping it like up for a bit before it collapses down.
Dish.
Can Captain Zedek turn back around and look to see Cretans still standing in front of
the party?
Or is he gone?
Oh, no, no, no.
Like, oh yeah, yeah.
Like, like he, that one just like is gone.
And then you turn and you still see the one at the end of the path that was talking to
Pi.
You fell for the oldest trick in the book.
Um, would you like to interrupt with your rune point of glory?
May I do so?
Of course you can.
Uh, yes, I would like to interrupt.
Okay.
Reeb is going to run to...
To this position around everyone, because I really don't want to kill people.
Okay.
He's going to take the mound of dirt and worms that Pi gave him and throw them at Cretans.
Oh, okay.
This will knock over the cardboard cutout if it is him, no doubt.
And if it's not, he will be, he will be attacked by worms.
This is a cunning plan.
Cunning and brutal.
Ew.
What do I roll for this?
Give me a ballistic skill test.
Difficulty.
Pocket worms.
Don't worry about the DN.
You just roll it.
If only he had his goggles on.
Oh my God.
It's a crit.
Ate'n a crit.
Uh, Reeb takes the pile of dirt and worms and he throws it and says, wicked worm beast,
use your wicked worm attack.
I really like lost all semblance of reality Reeb.
He's drunk.
He's drunk.
He's drunk.
He's drunk.
He's drunk.
He's drunk.
He's drunk.
He's drunk.
He's drunk.
He's drunk.
He's drunk.
He's drunk.
He's drunk.
He's drunk.
He's drunk.
He's drunk.
He's drunk.
He's drunk.
He's drunk.
He's drunk.
He's drunk.
He's drunk.
He's drunk.
He's drunk.
He's drunk.
He's drunk.
He's drunk.
Yes.
Um, the, the, the slow-mo dirt and worms smashes into Creighton's who like at the last moment
seems to stop oddly being animate.
And like, there's this like splash as they all bounce off of Creighton's before like Creighton's
form starts almost like wobble in the air.
And because of the critical force, the Creighton's cutout falls down.
It was a trick.
fall for it. Keep your eyes peeled,
he may be around somewhere. Watch the worms, they'll know.
They're a ghost in a surge!
And Pie and Lauren, as you turn,
you realize that
the tree behind Reeb
turns! The entire
tree, apparently
being nothing more than
Cretans, who was standing
up behind it with a cardboard
cutout of the tree,
turns, uh,
and seeing
all of this raises
up a
pistol of
some kind.
And takes a shot.
Imagine him turning, going,
gotcha now, kid.
Exactly!
Does Cretans have anything to say
about the worms?
Hulky.
Hulky.
The second time, the third time I've been ignored
today, I'm gonna explain.
Holy!
Oh, he's, uh,
he's made that cardboard cutout worm throw
dish, is ya?
Oh my, oh my.
Anyways!
Yeah. Uh, and he's firing at Reeb.
Boom. Good, I'm very
tough, he will not kill me.
He will, he will, uh, he will hit you.
Yes. And crit you, because
apparently this is just the game we're playing
today. Oh my god.
Where does it show you crit me?
Uh, basically as long as the wrath of the last
dice is in. Oh, I see.
There we go. Yeah. So, he, uh,
he will crit you, uh,
with, uh,
six, uh, you can't shift anything,
so he's just gonna roll regularly,
I'm just gonna roll. And this,
he can crit, he is not like a troop, cause he's
Cretans. Yeah. Wadge clatter.
Uh,
41, uh,
oh, sorry.
Yeah, sorry, I had your token selected,
so it showed your name, that's a bit weird.
Uh, okay. Uh, 41, oh,
he viciously vivisects you.
Oh, good, thank you.
So, what's your resilience? Actually, I, uh,
my resilience, yeah, what? I, I, I'm sorry
to interrupt. That, actually, that
shot that he did is a, uh, it's a complication.
Oh, okay.
Okay, okay. I apologize. Um,
can a complication still crit?
Uh, the rule we'd established previously
is that if, if I crit, that
overrides and we save the complication for the next
one, cause otherwise it's,
otherwise I will never actually
be able to crit you, so. Crits, crits
Trump in this case. Okay, so my next,
next attack will be. Resilience is eight.
Eight, so, so two wounds will go
through. Mm-hmm.
Um, so you can determination
that. Okay, I will
do so.
Uh,
two, four successes, so actually.
So, you just take two shock?
Yeah, two.
However, you will take,
um, you will take two
mortal wounds as they blow
vivisects you somehow
with a bullet.
Uh, striking you probably
just in your, like, lower side.
The, the, the bullet
tearing into you. Alright.
Uh, who would like to go next?
Go ahead, Pybraim.
Mm, no one beats up
Reeb and gets away with it unless it's
funny. I'm going to charge,
uh, Cretans now with my power sword.
Okay.
Prepare for your doom!
Um,
and I am going to
attack him mightily
with my mighty sword. Okay.
Right then. Absolutely.
Alright, so, I will be,
uh, charging in. Let us go.
I swing the stick.
Uh,
that will be nine successes.
Um. Mm-hmm. And a complication.
And a complication. Um, I will
be getting, uh, thirteen
damage base, but I also get to
shift, I presume,
a few dice here. Uh, what's
the defense? Uh, yeah.
Uh, so, in this case, you'll be able
to shift...
Uh, you'll be able to shift, uh, three dice.
Three dice? Okay, cool. So, I'm just going to roll, uh,
uh, I'm typing it in
like it's roll twenty. Alright.
Let me show you the power!
Ah! It's fourteen
damage action.
Ooh, okay, nice.
What, what is your weapon skill total?
Uh, my weapon skill
total? Well, let's see. My initiative is,
uh, six. I believe my weapon skill
is eleven?
Yeah, you rolled more than
eleven. No, no,
no, he's, he's also master,
he's also mastercrafted, so he gets
two additional dice. It's, yeah. And I
charge. It's so powerful.
Mm-hmm.
Very cool, very powerful. My brain
is good at hitting people. Okay, I got
the dice in. You're right. You could, you rolled
a lot of successes. Um, cool, cool, cool,
cool, cool. Uh, so you rush in
and destroy this cardboard cutout.
Good.
Uh, and your complication is that
you fall prone.
As you go in with, with
this amazing amount of force,
and then fall prone.
Uh, how does, how does
the shadowy, disembodied voice of
Cretans respond to this?
She's not even
close to ready to fall at me yet.
No matter how
fast she is.
You know what?
I don't know what that means,
but I'm gonna take it personally
anyway. Uh, this
pile of rocks comes up
and becomes Cretans.
How much ruin do you have,
mister? Uh, I,
I will maybe indicate
that he is a champion and has some personal
rune on top of it that I'm
burning. And maybe don't
question the mechanics of my account!
I will use my
wicked worm attack on you. As, as
he comes in and, uh, attempts to attack
Captain Zedek. What's your defense, Captain Zedek?
Uh, Captain Zedek's defense is four.
However, is Cretans going to melee him?
He is, so it's five, right?
Cause you can parry? Uh, parry, but also
I have sidestep.
Ooh, okay. Would you like to do that?
I would!
It'll give me... And that will add...
A defense of six.
And a resilience of ten. Ooh.
Sweet. Alright, well, I'm
just gonna see what happens here. We'll see if, uh, if
Cretans can do this thing.
Ooh.
Oh, no. No, he just misses.
Uh, as he
comes, like, out of the rocks, SWINGING
a choppa at Captain Zedek.
Uh, and that will be, uh,
Cretans. Uh, I believe that, uh,
gives us, uh, Lorne?
Yes, I will cast the
amazing spell called
Crush. Absolutely.
That's levitation. I want Crush.
Bloop.
Do I get him?
With, uh, six successes?
Uh, six successes will get him.
So, you grab him.
Excellent. And I will, uh, shift
the two to basically increase the
difficult number, uh, for strength and willpower
test.
Ooh, very good. Okay. Cool.
Um, so the damage crushes
the cardboard cutout. That, like, makes no
sense. But as you do so, you trigger
the next thing of the encounter.
As you can see, four
more Cretans seemingly
appear out of trees. All of
them, like, moving with this
strange fluidity.
How do the four
Cretanses talk to the party?
Is that all I just got?
It'll be years before yous
can catch up to me!
Ha ha ha ha ha!
There's a sense we, uh, missed a previous
complication. Can't have one of the
complications be, like, one of those fall over.
Uh, yeah, yeah, absolutely.
Uh, well, I mean, they're all gonna go
right now, so once these all
appear, they're all gonna try to do something, so
the first one's gonna complicate, so
let's just have that happen, because they all
appear, and then one of them's gonna
try to shoot at the downed piebrain.
Uh, we'll see how this goes.
I'll add it to my defense!
Uh, what is your
defense right now? It's, uh, five, but if I'm
prone, isn't it harder to hit me with, uh,
uh, rage attacks?
Uh, let's
find out!
I mean, the first one's going to
jam, and then, uh,
then his weapon is going to explode.
Okay.
Uh, so there's
that complication, which seemingly,
seemingly takes this
regular orc boy out of
the fight. Dun-dun-dun!
Um, then the
one over here kind of rushes
up, uh, after becoming a tree
towards you, piebrain,
and attempts to attack you
with a choppa up close.
Ah!
That is not good.
Uh...
Actually, I think I miss, because I only get
four successes. That will...
Yeah, because if I'm...assuming I'm taking
a minus one penalty to my defense, I still have
my barrier. So it'd be defense five.
Yeah, your defense is increased by one from range
that are six meters or more away.
Um, yeah, that's it.
And I can counterattack him, actually.
Oh yeah, absolutely. Also, sorry,
your defense is reduced by two.
Oh, in that case, he actually would equal my defense. I don't know
if that means he hits.
Um, he would, but it's not enough
to actually do damage to you, so it takes off
of you. Very well, then.
Uh, here is a normal hit.
Cool.
Uh, that's going to be
five successes.
Uh, uh, it will complicate
against all odds. Uh,
fourteen damage base. I assume I can shift
the six?
Uh, you quite destroy him. There's
no need to roll.
Uh, as again, you
cut off. This one, like, as you cut, you
realize it's not Cretans again.
It's just another orc boy
who looks very confused
as your blade comes and ends him.
Uh, and then one of
one of them runs up to here.
And attempts to
take another shot this time at, uh,
at our good friend Reeb.
Um, I believe, yeah,
a, uh,
oh, why did I roll? What the hell? Yeah, why'd you roll it
privately, huh? You hiding something from me?
I am, apparently. Here we go. I'll roll it again.
It also does weird things
if I roll it privately. Uh,
three. Your defense is three, right, Reeb?
Uh, yes. Alright, uh, his
gun also explodes as he
rushes up and fires. Uh, it does ten points of damage,
so give me determination again.
Uh, okay.
Bingo.
Uh, so you take one success. So you take one wound
and one shock. One wound and one
shot. Uh, and then the
final one
comes
out to
here.
And attempts to take a shot at
Captain Zadek
with a pistol.
Let's see
what happens here as, uh,
another clone creakens, rushes out
and begins firing. Uh, this one
gaining a slight bonus, but not quite
the same as the others.
Uh, the weapon discharges and
uh, defense four. Will that be enough to hit you
at range, Zadek? Yes, it will.
Perfect. Uh, it'll hit you and do ten points.
Alright. So, what's your
uh, resilience? Resilience is gonna be eight.
Okay, so give me determination.
Sure.
Ka-cha! Bam!
Bam. Uh, you
take two shock.
Uh, that's the end of the first round, so now you've
like, you've got Pybrain knocked prone.
The rest of you have taken some incoming fires.
There are two cretins left. Who would like to
go first? Uh, I think I would like to go first, so
I can, uh, refresh my
counter attack. If I could propose something
first. Yes. First off, we still
need to resolve his complications.
Oh, yes. There are multiple of them
that he did. Um. Yeah.
Wait, which ones? Uh, you
rolled an attack on one of the previous ones
and there was a complication. Yeah.
The one that, like, was the player one
was the one that exploded, and then he died.
And then this one down here, uh,
I said his gun exploded.
So he doesn't have a gun anymore. Okay, okay, my bad. Yeah.
I, I, however, did complicate on my attack
to kill this guy.
Oh, yes.
We have to do that. Let's do that. It's complications and
crits today. That's, that's what we're rolling.
Apparently.
Uh, one sec.
Ooh, uh, your weapon malfunctions.
You have to succeed a tech check and
make an action to use it. So your
power sword once again goes
That is what would happen if
it wasn't master crafted and I got to ignore
that.
That is true.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
It's actually not very
incredible.
That, that is, you do,
you do ignore the first complication.
Yep.
The, um, the thing I was gonna propose is
I was gonna do something stupid, but
Speaker, if you wanna go first.
Yeah, no, just so if I can
I can do it after. Okay, yeah, fair enough.
Cause just if I'm charged again, then my counter attack would refresh.
Um, yeah, so
I'm going to, seeing this guy come close to me,
this Cretans
quote unquote, um, on the
ground, I guess the last guy as he came up
to me, I like did like a sudden upward
bisection. I see this guy,
I'm going to stow my power sword
and like I'm doing like, like
freestyle or something, you know?
I'm just going to whip around
spinning on my back with
my eviscerator and using its
range two, I'm going
to be able to get an attack off on this guy.
He's within my melee range.
And I'm just going to whip around
with the
sermonizer and show you
the power of, well, this isn't
Lemuria, but it's pretty good, it's Matarika.
Um,
and that is my plan.
So, I'm a roll it.
Your plan is to hit him.
Yes, it's a genius plan.
That's a lot of damage.
And I'll be shifting Phil Swift.
I'll be shifting three other ones,
but I don't know how much it matters.
I think it auto-shifts for you.
Well, it just tells you
how many you can shift, if the numbers
is correct. The sermonizer just gets an absurd
amount of ED.
Cool, yeah, you just tear up this
like poor orc again, who
sort of has this moment of,
are any of you interrupting? You don't have glory,
so you can't interrupt.
Hey, uh, hey Hulki.
Yeah? I'm picking you at random.
Uh, how does, uh, how does
the real Cretans, uh, what does
the real Cretans say as he tactically
withdraws from what he has realized is not
a good fight? Oh, sure,
I thought I sprang for better squig
glue for this cutout. Uh,
about
this, we's,
uh, we's figure this out later.
I won't forget you!
I told you
I was gonna be embarrassing!
I'll miss you.
Back to the quiet of the
forest.
The strange sounds have
all disappeared as well.
Quite a headache.
Can I medicate myself, please?
Absolutely.
Alright.
I rolled. I got
four successes. Six failures,
that's not too great.
So what would that heal, Thurston?
I, I appreciate
that every time I have to pull up
the Medicaid to remember it.
Yes, because I'm not for you.
Because the sheet takes ten million years for me
to scroll to Medicaid.
One sec. Uh, okay, so
DN3 gets you a
wound every shifted, so you basically
will get one, one wound back.
Great.
Incredible. Which, isn't that all you took?
No, I took three.
Oh, that's right, cause the mortals. Yeah, that's right.
Silly man.
Yeah.
I'd have it on Medicaid,
but I'd need it for other areas, and Foxit
Reader takes forever to load. You could take
a rest.
Do we actually want to do that,
or do we just want to keep going forward? I mean,
I don't want to spend any more time on this shithole.
No,
because if we rest now, he will
have more time to report us to
his fellows. If we beat his
pace, we might be able to
stem the flow of intelligence.
Right, and we continue on with
it. Indeed. Yes.
Okay.
Uh, yeah, so you continue.
Yes?
I was going to say, Lorne plays a marching
tune.
I'm going to a
backwards somersault out of prone.
Okay.
Just on the way there.
They asked us to be loud,
so we're just on our way.
So yeah, you're just like
Captain Zedek's kind of twitching as we
trudge along. Just like,
hey, you know, at least, at least
none of us are greenhorns to jungle
fighting! Looks back with a very
concerned smile and twitching eye.
Uh, that's going to be Galil's humor,
so we can get some shock back.
Yay! Oh, very good.
Very good.
Just imagine
his face, just, the hurts just a
little bit face.
Uh, icons plus
rank. So let me give
you a fellowship
test. Sure.
There's the, there we go.
Hey!
Not bad.
Uh, I believe your terrible Galil's humor
will restore shock to everybody. It will.
So that's going to be...
I believe it's going to be six shock.
Well, luckily,
I don't think I was the only person who really
lost a bunch of shock. There we go.
Yay! Congrats! Alright.
What day is it? You,
you carry on, uh, trudging,
only really kept going
by, uh, by Zedek's ongoing
Galil's humor, eventually making
your way to the edge of the forest
where you can see a, a, a hill,
like the slight slope of a hill
going up towards the cave that was
marked on the, the basic tactical
map. However, as
you approach, you can see
that there is a large
slew of greenskins
that are, are standing around
seemingly waiting
for you. Uh, they
appear to be, like,
not quite lined
up, but, um,
certainly they,
they seem like they're,
they're ready for you in, in
like small squads,
about four or five men squads
leading up, uh, to the,
to the top of this hill, upon
which stands, stands
a proud and regal
orc who looks
down at all of you
from above.
What does this orc say?
Let's pick, I don't know, speaker. Tell me,
tell me what this, how this orc
introduces themself to the
approaching Umis.
Well,
looks like we got one of them
flanky parties. Hey,
Umis, come here!
I wanna tell
you something!
What do you want, orc?
Now listen, I understand
it uses a, a certain
individual party trying to
fight back against the
oncoming war. I respect
that. In fact, I'm thinking
about defecting meself, so what
you say, you and I come to some
kind of deal.
Uh, Thurston?
Yes? May I roll
A?
Hang on, I'm
flanking. Okay.
Can I roll a
persuasion for Ritzfist
to persuade him to, like,
go away?
Go away?
Just, just
go away?
I'm trying to think of something that he could do that he would
logically do for what meager funds
we could possibly scrounge
up. So what you're saying is
you wish to negotiate?
Yeah. Okay,
okay, I mean, I, I always
love this. Um,
would you like to, um,
would you like to give me a persuasion
test? And we'll, we'll see, we'll see
how it goes, goes here.
How this, how this, how this plays out.
DN?
At all?
Uh, I'm, I'm gonna say the difficulty
number here is, uh, is going to be
variable. I'm gonna have you roll first, cause, uh,
I might have a counter roll
that I need to make. Great.
Uh, three success.
You did get your wrath
back, by the way.
Uh, I'll
wrath it. Sure.
So, re-roll those four failures.
Bingo.
That gets me...
Three more? Three successes.
So that's six successes.
Okay.
Sweet. Um, okay,
so that's a total of six successes.
Okay, well, let's see, uh...
Alack and alas,
it appears, uh,
Ritzvist's, uh, own
persuasive abilities
are, uh, are enough to, to
keep you. How, how does this negotiation
go? I want you two to play this out for
me. Before it starts, can I, can I assist Reem? As it kind of, uh,
reaches a... What was that?
What? Can I assist Reem
in this?
Sorry, sorry if I didn't do it before, but...
No.
Okay, keep going then. Yeah, uh,
assisting is kind of like, uh, like,
you basically increase the, the difficulty
by one, so that, that, yeah.
Um, okay, so...
Uh, Reem, how, how do you
start off negotiations with Ritzvist?
Alack, is this planet really worth your
time? You, you look like a,
you look like a rogue trader. What, why are
you even here? Oh, I will admit
that there have been some things that are
quite outside my control, but I will
say that it's often on the
small-scale worlds like this
you find the most desperate kids to
join your crew.
Yes, and they're going
to lose, because we're going to
blow up that big stupid gun of yours,
and then you're going to be in big
trouble, then you'll die. That's losing a lot
of money. Well, I'll do with me. There's
some, uh, reasonability to that.
Of course, we're
winning the planet and the war right
now, so can't quite see that
happen. So...
It's going to change. Maybe.
And you know what? I've got something
that's on me mind right now.
I'm going to point at Zedek.
I'll really lock your coat.
Captain Zedek will look- You're a fucking monster.
Captain Zedek will look back at
Ritzfist. He will just
sneer at him. He'll reach into his coat
and pull out a handful of thrones.
I'll pay you twenty thrones
to fuck off!
Thurston, can you roll a little power? I would like to roll persuasion.
Zedek, Zedek,
you don't understand socio-economics of orcs.
I don't give a shit about their goddamn teeth.
I don't have any teeth to give him.
You have those in your
mouth. You just cracked that one. Give him that one.
He's, he's, he's pretty, he's pretty
resolvig- Oh, Christ.
It's four successes.
Captain Zedek's pretty,
pretty persuasive.
It's up to
Thurston. The other boys are all
looking up at, like, Ritzfist's
back end and like,
Shoei's Ogumbosh. Oh, oh, oh,
no, no, no, no, no.
I like the cut of your,
of your jib, Mr., uh,
Fancy Pants.
Why don't you come over here and shake me hand
on it?
Yeah, no, I'm, I'm good.
I'm good.
Come on.
Won't you shake a poor
captain's hand?
He is a poor captain
in case you haven't noticed. Oh, you're so much
fun.
Come on.
Just shake me hand.
I don't know
if Captain Zedek is, I'm, I'm
pretty sure, I'm pretty sure Zedek is
aware of the fact that this is a terrible idea.
I don't know. I'm, I'm not in
Captain Zedek's mind. I really can't,
like, I don't know what is a good idea or a
bad idea to Captain Zedek. Captain
Zedek is a broken man, by all means.
But I think- So what's Captain Zedek gonna do?
I, I
have awareness to see if
he's so broken that he would do something so
obviously stupid as to shake
a Flashget's hand. Like, you can't,
you can't fucking, like, make a roll
and be like, Thurston, tell me what is the right thing
to do here. Fuck you!
That's not how he's gonna do it.
God, please!
God, my hand!
God, my hand, Lord!
Yeah, Lord assists.
To help Captain Zedek, is there a thing
I can roll, uh, that allows me to
kinda, or insight, can I try to
roll an insight, um,
on this orc to kinda
see if I can be like, hey, is this orc actually just
trying to deal or is he just trying to, you know, shank
Captain Zedek as soon as he gets close?
Absolutely, you can.
My insight of two will help us out.
Do it, do it, do it. I got a
one. And I
complicate him.
Well, Captain Zedek,
I believe you should go second time.
He looks like such a trustworthy fowler. Look,
he's got sparkly bits and a cool
red eye! You can't train out of such a
friendly fish! Can I suggest the
complication, Thurston?
You can, you can.
Alright, Lorne.
Looking at, looking at
Ritzfist, you see within
the palm of his hand, hidden, is this
large,
obviously complicated,
overdrawn, overwrought
device that has
underneath his sleeve
a massive car battery
hidden up it.
And you see this, and you believe
this is evidence of further
trustworthiness. Clearly
this is a man of
great generosity and
power. He wants
to share his power. I see the battery
that lights the LED in his eye, you're safe.
Negotiations have broken down! Boys!
It's a part of the
worms!
Who would like to go first?
I would like to.
Erndal would like to use attack.
I would only
propose that if we want to be more
defensive, we have like a glory.
Either I interrupt, or
Elza's gonna try to shield us in some way.
Yeah, no, actually, no, yeah, you go first. Shield
us, please. Yeah, cause we got a lot of orcs
with a lot of guns. Make us live.
Hopefully I roll high enough to kind of
protect us a little bit. Alright, so
I'm gonna
have to clear these first. First off,
I'm gonna cast Telekinetic Dome,
and then the second one
that I will cast will be
um, uh, shape
form, or yeah, shape, basically.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Or shape flesh, my bad. Yeah, so that'll
be the second one I try to do. So,
actually, no, I can't. Telekinetic Dome is a full
action, so this just takes my whole thing.
So I can't do that. So, bloop bloop bloop.
And anything that I do, I'm going to
I'm going to
wrath it, so I can shift
some additional ones. So I can do one, two, three, four.
So I do one, two, three, four.
Which I will get
one, two, three, four.
Uh, up. So that'll allow me to
shift it, uh, one more time,
and then I'll use that shifting to allow
me to, uh, buff
up the range. So anyone who's around me
will be able to be buffed.
Or protected. What's the range
you get on it now? It's just one.
Basically, whoever's adjacent to me. I can be
specific, but. It's like one
meter or something.
No, no, no, that's, that's cool and
important, cause we can
do a thing here to
sorta, whoop, there
you go.
As you, uh, you put up a
dome of energy around you. We gotta be fancy,
we got the cool dome effect.
That's right!
Like, we have the whole thing
here, let me. Wow,
an aura. Do you want me, here, do you want me to do
the super fancy? Yeah, the fancy thing. The fancy thing.
Use the good stuff! The super
fancy one. Yes! Use the
thing here, I wanna just make sure.
No, Amethyst has the ability to capture
There you go. Negative energy. There you go.
Positive energy, making it incredibly
useful in energy. Shut up!
I hate you so much right
now, you burn my soul,
sir.
Yeah, that's why I didn't buy one.
Okay, there we go. Uh, alright, so yeah, you
you set up this, like, teleconnect dome
of, of, uh, energy around you.
Uh, okay, uh, was any of you
interrupting at this point?
Going once.
Well, you know, I just wanna say
I wasn't saying that much during that
encounter, that was strange.
Shut up, Pi. Very good.
Go kill it. Alright.
Are you, are you interrupting, Pi?
Absolutely not. What the fuck am I gonna do? Okay.
I can't kill
ten guys with one attack,
I can only kill one guy with the force of
ten guys.
Alright, so, uh, five
orcs, uh, advance up with
their, their wall of shootas.
And, uh, they're gonna, they're
gonna unload at the big red
target. Um,
let's see here, they're gonna actually
not get too many extra dice
on this, but, hey,
we'll see how they do. Uh, what's your defense
right now, Pi? Uh, five.
Okay, five, cool.
Uh, and they're
actually gonna get
plus three, right? Yeah, yeah, plus three.
Okay, cool. Uh, as a, like,
slew of, uh,
pistol fire comes towards you.
Uh,
whoops. Oh, gosh, why is it doing
like that? The machine spirits!
No, that was,
that was wrong. One sec. Sorry.
It's... Shame spirit.
Yeah, it's, uh, it's being silly, and
I don't know why. Uh,
I know,
it's terrible. Okay, uh,
blop. There we go.
Um, yeah, okay.
Oh, my gosh.
Even worse. So, basically, these boys
are rushing towards you with pistols
flying in the air, and, uh, everything goes
wrong. Who would like to go next?
Uh,
I kinda wanna...
Wait, let me see here. You can, you can adjust,
you can adjust up to the corner
there, and then you should be able to flame room just fine.
Yeah. Or even where you're at, even.
I'm gonna move
in front of Lauren. Okay.
That still puts me in the
ball, of course, the ball of power.
Yeah. And I'm going to fire my
fire gun at them.
Your fire gun, okay. Yes.
So, uh, you're using
a regular flamer, so the,
the long range of your
flamer would be...
Oops, I hit the wrong button. Uh,
the long range of your flamer would be twelve, so
you can, like, zippity-doo-dah
fairly far. Cool.
Yeah, I think they're within
medium, cause they're not eight meters
away. You know... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, they are
but they're... Yeah, no, no, no, so they're
past short range, basically, so they are in
medium range. But the way it works is for
your shifted exalts, that's how much you can basically
maneuver the cone. So for every
shift, it's gonna be one extra boy, basically.
Okay, so I'm going to
roll. Okay.
Roll.
I believe. There we go. There we go.
Nice. That'll be
three successes with no
shifts. No shifts. Good quality. Okay.
So, you're gonna hit,
uh, roll, roll
the damage, which is ten,
uh, based on their
resilience, which
is terrible.
Uh, this is going to
hurt them. Um,
if you fire into a
mob, however, uh,
you hit an additional
equal to the weapon's salvo
value, so I forget if your flamer
has a salvo value. It does
not have salvo. Yeah. It is
assault and flamer. Oh, number
of individuals equal to half of the
blast rating, um,
or if you're using, like, a
other weapon, it's going
to do a bit more so. Okay, perfect.
Well, it doesn't have blast and it doesn't have salvo.
Yeah, so it's legit. You could just
adjust the cone, but sadly you can't, so you're
just gonna take out one of the boys.
What a good weapon. I need to get a new one.
It's good. It's just, like, it's
really tactical. Like, you have to,
like, if you were, like, in this square, you'd get
all of them sort of thing, so.
Yeah, but I need to get a new weapon,
period. That's fair. Okay.
Cool. Uh, who would like to, who would like to
go next? Um, I
think I would, because as the person
outside of the sphere, I am the one in the
shittiest situation, so I
will spend a glory and interrupt now. Cool.
Uh, oh, okay, you're gonna interrupt before these guys?
I was just gonna move them. Oh, okay, cool.
Are these guys? So, you can just go without
interrupting, because they're just moving. Fantastic.
So, you know, you can just go in the corner there
and you'll be in the bubble. Yeah, but
then I can't hit foods. And fire from there.
Yeah, he wants to melee.
Oh, okay. Um, I have a quest here
I'm just gonna play it safe.
Um, are these guys mobs, or are they like
five individual guys?
They're, they're mobs. Okay.
In that case, I can just turn my brain off and do this.
Brain, no!
You're gonna be out there all alone, they might have
guns and stuff and traps and things.
You're right! Stand the-
No! You fool!
Now I'm against the wall, where I'll have
cover if someone shoots me.
Alright, now! I have to rip and tear.
Let-
Okay, go ahead. Come on!
Ritzfist never fights with any traps
or tricks. How could
he possibly do anything
like that? I've never met this orc before.
Sure.
Alright, uh, anyway, uh, they
have huge guts, uh, rip and tear, rip and tear
their guts, et cetera.
Alright, ten successes!
Uh, I
am shifting two, I presume.
Uh,
yes, in this case, yeah. Alright.
That will
be a grand total of seventeen
damage AP3 to this mob.
M'kay.
Doo doo doo, doo doo doo.
Uh, I believe
that will be enough to slice
through the
remainder of this mob.
Now don't do it again!
As you rush forward and begin, like, ripping
and tearing into them with your weapon,
uh, at this point, Ritzfist is going
to go.
Now you've fully fallen into
more trap! Now what's the plan here,
Gekko? I'm gonna
mark me down a rune point, please.
Hey! Mark me down a rune point,
boys!
He is going to shoot two extra times.
I will shoot two extra times!
All into
power. All into power! Wait, wait, where else
am I going? Ah!
Oh no!
Uh, so what
is, what is your, what is your cover
granting you here? I presume, like, one
point of defense. Unless it's, like, long
range, maybe. Yeah, yeah, no, no, no.
No, it's not long range for him. In fact,
it might even be short range now, let me
check.
Hm. Oh, is this optimally
per- it is
just in short range!
This incredibly clever
and handsome combatant with a
great voice! How could this be-
So what's your, what's your defense right now?
Six. How much? Six, yes.
The number after fives.
Six,
and then I'm going to get, actually,
some more attack dice.
Actually, yeah. Yeah, that's gonna be it.
Uh, and then there is going to be a
slew of shots
coming your way. Uh,
let's see how this goes. I'm going to do
the first one here. All right, boys!
Now we can still handle this diplomatically!
Uh, yeah, the first one, like, starts
chewing into the rock beside you, misses.
He gets two more, however, so
uh, watch it.
And we'll see.
Ooh, that one will
will hit, but will complicate.
Um,
and, uh, we'll do
uh, fourteen points of damage with
AP minus two.
Haha! That'll show him!
Wait, that's me. Um...
That will show you...
That'll show you me! All right,
I'll roll some Determination.
Yeah. Um, and I
do add a rank to it, so...
All right,
I can soak four, and it's
uh, so I'll take one wound,
and I will lose four shock.
Okay.
As, yeah, like, this
all blasts into you. Now I have to
sadly roll the complication that
happens. I don't have a particularly
good one that I want to do from
our stash of them,
so I'm just gonna roll one of the
standard combat complications,
and we'll see what, uh, what happens
to this poor fellow here.
So that's gonna be 2d6, and then BAM!
Uh, we're gonna...
Okay, he's out of ammo. Okay.
Um, so Ritzvis will
like, fire twice, wanting to fire
a third, can't fire a third, and spends his
simple action frantically reloading
the Snazzgun. Where's Mr.
Crispin? He's supposed to keep these
triple loading!
Who's going next?
I think it's just Captain
Zedek. Uh, Zedek, I believe, yeah.
Yeah.
I'm so tired of this planet full of worms and orcs,
I'm just gonna fuckin'...
Go up where Pi is. Zedek!
No! I can't kill them from back
there! Yes you can!
You have a fucking gun!
That's the point! I'm getting closer
to shoot more with the gun!
Lawrence is getting flashbacks of just
seeing young Fenrisian warriors
dash off to the middle of the battlefield
and just getting fuckin' slaughtered.
Oh yeah, like the cameras in on his eyes.
The sweat coming down
the side of his face.
The screams.
He's gonna do the zappy gun.
Yeah, okay.
That is three
successes.
Cool. Um...
I... I kinda
wanna wrath that. That is...
Oh, wait, no. Okay, you can
wrath it, it'll hit.
Oh.
No, we're fine. We're fine! We're fine!
Fuck it, we'll do it live. We'll do it live. Okay.
You pop an orc.
Yeah!
Yeah! I'm contributing!
I'm doin' it! Hold on.
You didn't just shoot a big orc. You gotta do it.
You shot a beam of
lightning jetting through the sky that hit the
radium and caused a giant flash of crimson
gore. Okay, I don't need
that much encouragement. It's okay.
Look, I'm trying to speed things up, by the way.
Hulky, you're
cuttin' off, by the way. Oh no. Sorry.
I don't need that much
encouragement. It's okay.
Oops. There we go.
This line of orcs moves up to the
edge here. That is their action.
Oh no! What would they
do up there? If only
they had a dome to protect
them. I know.
Oh no!
Foolish! These ones are running up. Yeah!
Okay, that's that. Next turn! Who wants to go first? I think
Reeb should take advantage of this delicious
flamethrower vector.
Yeah, I should.
Yeah? Yeah, I should.
I will flamethrower Lorne.
Good idea!
Finally!
Psychic treachery! Game over, man! Lorne, do me
a favor. Please just move up
and give them some cover. I can, I'll
be fine. That's the idea.
Well, the hope was just to basically
keep everyone shielded.
They would possibly cast it again and try to get a way
bigger effect. You can sustain it and then just
run up, so. Yeah, that's the plan.
Okay. Who wants to go first, though?
Based Lorne. Lorne?
Okay, Lorne. Based Lorne. Lorne.
I must keep us alive or we will die.
I will hop up this way
and I'll have to cast my other
super duper awesome
psychic spell
called...
We're going to do, let's see...
Shit, I'm sorry.
I should have got my turn ready.
No, you're good. I'm terrible.
Oh, damn. Glorious voices upon us
will be least expected. Now, Lorne,
you have to expect being more glorious.
I'll do Shaped Flesh
because basically that's
what's going to help me stay alive if I get
shot, and I'm good.
Oh, damn, there you go.
Actually, your difficulty would now be...
I think I fail, actually.
I think difficulty is eight now.
Um...
No, no, it's not.
It's not. Your sustain, you can
sustain for free, so...
I think the base is... Are...
Yeah, no, you're good. You're good with this one.
We're gonna say it goes, and then I'll
look at the rules here and fix it later. Anyway, we're good.
I Shaped Flesh, and I basically
bring up my Resilience, and that's the end of my turn.
Yeah.
Okay...
Um, alright.
Cool.
That's that.
Okay, so I'm gonna
go unless one of you is interrupting.
I will interrupt.
Okay.
I'm going to move up.
To there? Yep.
I'm gonna flame them in the middle and see if I do enough
shifts to actually be worth a damn
or if I'll just fail. Do it up.
Fail.
The fire. Go!
Eh, it's three again.
Do you wanna raft it? Yeah, I'm gonna raft it.
Cool, so roll four dice.
Let's see what we get.
Oh, okay.
It's still enough to get two of them, though, and it will
kill the two of them, so...
As you, like, flame up the hill.
Shit, I need a new flamer. Get a heavy
flamer.
Wow, I'll just do that. If we get back to the ship and I do enough drugs
I can make you a mastercrafted one.
That's right! We just need to ask, like, the local
Promethean lovers.
So this boy up here
looks down.
Looks at his fellow boys.
Looks back down.
Reaches onto his
belt.
Produces a small
stick-like device.
...
...
Takes off the top.
And rolls
it down the hill
towards you.
Excuse me, do you have to make a ballistic check for that?
I am about to make a
ballistic skill check.
I don't know how much you're allowing me to
bullshit today, so...
Well, you have narrative declarations, which, you know,
we all love, so...
But, unfortunately, this would be a turn-interruption idea.
So, the idea...
declarations
are broad. Broad, what do you want to do?
So basically, Laudamore
should be maintaining the spell. You know, he's hardening
himself up, and he sees the grenade
and this orc is like,
fuck you, Gates! And then whoosh!
He wants to quickly do
a narrative declaration to do
basically, like, psychic hand
or whatever. Grab it back
and just throw it back at him.
Okay, okay. I'll
allow this.
The difficulty is going
to be fairly
tough on this, I think.
I agree.
It's probably, like, we're going to look at
a difficulty 8 to grab this
out of sequence, because you've also got other
stuff. It's also going to
probably distract you from your shape flesh.
It's probably going to, like,
your shape and your flesh.
Yeah, that's true, that's true, that's true.
It's going to be tough. It's going to be
difficulty 8. Do you want to go for it
there? Let's try it.
Yeah, do it out. Psychic Mastery.
Just shy of one.
Yep.
Can I use my other
second rasp?
Yeah, absolutely, you can.
To protect the group, I will.
So I need to roll four more.
Uh, yeah.
I also really like that Lorne
disappeared from the map.
Okay, so, um.
You got four more.
I pressed a button and it moved him.
Uh,
yeah, so I got four more.
Okay.
Okay, one sec.
So I'm assuming
you're going to do something bullshitty
like that. That is a large fucking grenade
blast.
Yes, yes it is.
That seems wrong.
Very wrong. What is the radius
of that grenade?
Six.
The fuck?
Oh, shit.
That is not a radius of a grenade.
You didn't let it, you didn't tell you
what kind of grenade it was.
I didn't.
Oh.
What kind of grenade is it, Thurston?
It is a, like,
high-intensity fragmentation
grenade. It sends shit flying
everywhere.
Cool. Yeah, I'll agree to that location.
I'm okay with that.
I'm guessing, I'm guessing.
You're like, it's like rolling down,
Lorne sees it, raises his hand,
and it, like,
and it, like, lands at the base
of the other mob that, like, all of them
look down at once, and then it explodes.
When it explodes,
the damage is enough to, uh,
the damage is enough to immediately send
all three of these boys careening down the hill
to their deaths as their, like,
bodies are hurled with, like,
all this, like, shrapnel and debris in their
backs, and then it is enough to wipe out
three of the mob here.
No.
Very good.
All right, who would like to go next?
Who would like to- that wasn't even your turn!
That was me letting you have a narrative declaration,
you fuck.
Who would like to go next?
Oh, is it
our turn?
Yeah. That doesn't- that was their turn.
They all died on their turn.
It's two of your guys' turn.
The GM doesn't let us do anything!
All right, it's your turn. Now, what would you like to do?
Thurston, if you keep saying that, I'm liable to turn
against you. That's fair, that's fair.
Very well.
You all do this stuff, and I'll go get
the head.
I'm going to start scurrying up the walls,
and I'm just going to be spending my entire turn
moving as fast as I can.
Should I make an athletics test?
Yes, please.
I just opened up
a different tab to get my character sheet,
and that's not how that works.
Roll it.
Oh, no. No!
All right, let's roll.
Six successes,
and a glory for the pool.
And I'm just going to be running as fast as I can
to get within range of Ritzvist.
I'm not going to be able to get melee range this turn.
Nope.
You're basically going to get, like, up to here,
like, scrambling through the debris up to the side of the cliff,
avoiding the other boys.
Hi, how you doing?
Eh, well,
I've been, I mean, I was doing better
when you weren't so close.
Say, let's shake off.
Ritzvist will go.
Can I get someone with his stem, I swear?
Ritzvist.
Can you mark me?
Actually, no, don't mark me down at rune point.
I'm going to use his personal stuff.
And then I'm going to shoot you.
I'm going to shoot you with Ritzvist.
No!
See, I'm getting schizophrenic.
This is good.
This is good.
This is the desired effect.
He's only going to shoot twice, so it's not that bad.
Your defense is still six.
It's going to be five.
No, it'll be five, yeah.
No, that's fair.
Okay, he's going to fire, like, madly, dacca-ing at you.
God, he's Jango-fetting me.
Yes, yes, he will.
He will hit you quite a bit.
And will shift twice on you.
Will shift twice on you and do 15 damage.
Wow, that's good.
All right.
AP minus two?
Wow.
With AP two, yes.
All right.
Wow.
I hate that.
All right.
Do I can?
Determination.
Yep.
All right.
So I will be soaking that one.
And then it was 15.
So in that case, I'm going to be looking at five damage coming through.
Nice.
Then he's going to shoot you again.
Oh, my God.
Oh, no.
And he couldn't.
Rest in good-bye.
Oh, my God.
You're the only thing that can defeat Speaker.
Speaker.
Speaker.
He'll do 16 points of damage this time.
Oh, wait.
I'm dead.
That's double my health.
Oh, wait.
No, I'm not, because mine is resilient.
No, no.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You have resilience, buddy.
Yeah.
Yeah, come on now.
That's true.
Roll determination, too.
No, I'll just take the wounds.
Oh, yeah.
Because even I have one shock left.
So if I get back on my feet, I don't want to be fucking pulverized.
I am down to no wounds.
And the crit will be a 51.
Let's find out together what that is.
Take six wounds.
Overpowering as I send the foe lurching away.
So he's just going to knock you off.
That's fucking awesome.
As you're like hit repeatedly after scrawling up to get him.
And this snaz gun is just blasting into you, making your chest a molten ruin.
Um.
Um, as you are repeatedly, repeatedly struck by various strikes, um, causing you, in fact,
to even take a memorable injury from this, uh, which will be, um, a twitch.
You, you develop a twitch, uh, as your, your chest is impacted repeatedly that like you're,
you're now just like have these uncontrollable twitchings occasionally, uh, and are knocked
down.
Cool.
Who'd like to go next?
You can.
Ritzvist after doing this?
He's going to take the snaz gun on his finger, twirl it around, and then reholster it.
You go, hehehe.
She'll go, hey.
Hi, you idiot!
We're not even there yet!
You can't die here!
Now, he is very funny.
I don't got a one-liner!
This is why, you know, I make the dome and encourage people to stay on the dome, to shoot
from the dome.
No one respects the dome!
I love you, Sid!
Zoran, I love you saying this as Lorne is just sitting here in the dome that is gently
rotating around us.
No one respects the dome.
Uh, at this point, Ritzvist just starts casually walking away.
Well, I'll think I'll make me money back on this one!
Oh, you need to be making an exorbitant exit sometimes.
Uh, Captain Zedek, would you like to go?
Captain Zedek's going to go.
Captain Zedek's going to go.
Captain Zedek's going to go.
Captain Zedek's going to go.
Captain Zedek's going to run up to the other boys and charge them.
He leaves the dome.
No one respects the dome.
Yeah!
Lorne's fucking going to hurry!
Fuck the dome!
Captain Zedek!
No, no, no, Lorne!
No one can kill my only friend but me!
Lorne, this is okay, because the threat is gone.
It's just orcs now, Lorne.
It's just orcs, Lorne.
Orcs.
Just orcs.
Lorne's just kind of like holding his hands to his eyes, going like, I was trying to help
my friends, but no one fucking gets a chance to do it.
We go fight the threatening enemy.
One of them's dying up on the fucking hill, the other one's fucking stupid, and I'm just
fucking...
I should just quit.
I should just leave.
It's just stupid.
Defect to the orcs.
You can tender your resignation later.
I'll just become a hermit.
I'll just become a hermit in the fucking planet.
I quit.
I quit.
Tender your resignation later.
We're busy.
Captain Zedek.
Captain Zedek.
Please make your charge attack.
Absolutely.
Here's...
Oh, shit.
I've never charged before.
You've what?
I've literally never charged.
I've literally never charged.
I've never charged before.
Fuck.
You just add one dice to your dice.
One.
Gotcha.
Also, you get to attack as if you had done a full move.
So technically, it probably would have been smarter for Pi to just have charged at one
of these mounds of people, but I didn't think of that.
Here you go.
I did that.
It's going to be five successes.
Okay.
That's going to be enough to get two of them.
I would like to wrath this anyway.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, do it.
Do it.
Give me that wrath, Captain Zedek.
Do it.
Do it.
Yeah.
It'll be a three failure.
So yeah, three die.
Eight, six.
Boom.
Oh, so close.
You got one more.
You got one more.
There's still one orc standing at you.
That orc's going to go.
He's going to try to hit you with a chopper.
No, he's not, because I'm going to sidestep.
That's a lot of die.
It's an orc.
Yeah.
Hulky, adjust your voice activation a bit.
Oh, shit.
He's going to hit you, I think, right?
Will a seven hit you?
Yes, the seven's going to hit me.
Oh, no.
He's going to hit you with a...
Jesus, is that right?
Yeah, no, that's right.
Orcs are redonkulous in combat.
That's right.
Yeah, he's going to hit you for 13 points of damage with a chopper.
All right, so I'm going to determination the last three.
Okay.
Here we go.
I believe in you.
Oh.
Yeah, yeah, there you go.
Let's take that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hell yeah.
This planet's full of worms.
I'm full of worms, so you're going to be full of worms soon.
I have to do some tests here real quick.
That's not good.
And it's not that.
There we go.
So I'm rolling some resolve tests.
All right, so, yeah, no.
Both of these orc mobs are now retreating.
Captain Zedek, I'm assuming you're just going to...
I'm going to stab this one down as it starts to run away from you.
These two, like, see Pybrain, but are also like,
our boss left, we're going to F off, too.
And they rush away, leaving once again you on the quiet battlefield.
Enough time to go up to your companion, Pybrain,
who has been heavily, heavily damaged.
And I think this is where we're going to take our break.
Good.
You all need to learn something about Mr. Richfish.
A break.
A break, squigs.
Ribs and hundred molar teeth.
We need to learn something?
Yeah, you need to learn that.
All right, boy.
Look how they massacred my metal boy.
Stop dying.
Okay, I'm trying, but it is hard.
All right, let's break.
We'll be back, friends.
We will be right back, everybody.
Stay tuned.
All right.
And we are...
We are back.
Oh, we're back.
Yeah, just, I guess, a bit of bookkeeping.
I rolled a regeneration test thing.
Basically, do a second master regeneration.
I succeeded with all the other stuff I have going.
So I'm basically indefinitely keeping all of these buffs going.
And everyone else did some Medicaid checks, I believe is what we did.
Yep.
Everyone's back to full health, because we also rested.
Yes.
So we are ready for the next...
Probably not the worst encounter, but probably not very good,
because we've got two of the worst guys left now.
Wham.
Do these bullets even have gunpowder in them?
I'm picking them out.
Why does it matter, Pi?
Why does it matter?
It's the principle of the thing.
Orcish principles are not our principles.
Move!
So you've been walking through a cave,
having taken a little breather at the mouth of it
after Ritzvist ran off.
Breathing heavily, Pi,
you've now developed this sudden twitching,
which sticks with you for a while.
The rest of you have kind of caught up.
Lauren, you've been using your psychic powers.
At this point, you exit the cave
and find yourselves in a snowy valley within the mountains.
Inexplicably, the sky seems to have darkened a bit here,
and strange auroras...
paint the sky.
It sounds like you can almost hear, like,
jingling music at the far edges of your hearing.
Some sort of festive tone.
Christmas.
Christmas.
This is nothing like Christmas.
Tastes like sanguine, huh?
That is probably a bad sign.
It's...
And as you carry into the...
valley, you can see that there is a small section
of frozen river that bisects a large open area
filled with some frosted trees,
some ruins of old buildings,
what appears to have maybe been some kind of farmhouse
or a small, like, family homestead
built by the riverside.
And then you can see them.
Swarms of them.
Tiny, green creatures,
perhaps no more than the size of a small child,
dancing and cavorting,
in the ruins of this area.
And at the far end,
standing atop a building,
sort of waving...
waving a stick down at these jubilant, tiny, green skins...
is...
an orc.
An orc, in blue,
with a strange face mask,
and cane.
Why?
Why are we in...
Why are we in a Christmas village,
with Laurence, or Zoran's orc?
Walking through the snow,
on a wargone's open sleigh,
Aye,
you little Gretchen gits,
I want all of you to...
Aye,
youse gotta get they shoulders built,
before the next Satan
goes gitsin' up from they all of their dark ass.
Bear them shutas don't hurt me,
Bear them shutas don't hurt me.
And Lork will basically cast Crush on one of the Gretchen, and go,
MRAWGH!
Uh, yeah, like, green energy goes out and, like, zaps the Gretchen, like, disintegrating it into this, like, pile of magical fairy dust that floats in the air, adding to the Christmas special.
Ow! Please don't hurt us, Master Lurk! We work for...
Wait! Includers, Master Lurk!
As, like, this horde of probably 50 of these tiny children orcs point towards you.
Hmm. Good.
Lauren would like to, um, cast Science, Science.
Yeah, absolutely.
Let's see, I will now do the thing.
Do the thing.
Bloop bloop.
Bloop.
I needed a five because of all the stuff I'm doing now, but, uh...
Yeah, yeah, yeah. What are you trying to detect here, boss?
I'm just trying to see, like, I'm seeing this huge operation this orc seemingly has.
And I'm seeing all these Gretchen around.
And, obviously, there's...
It all looks weird.
It looks way too mystical.
He's obviously just sniffing the psychic energy in the air.
And he's suspecting that, like, he's using all this stuff to, like, artificially, like, change this environment, but also enhancing these workstations to basically, like, to somehow craft all these weapons.
He's just trying to see if he's, like, getting, like, if he's, if he's changed what things seemingly are.
Like, maybe a tree is disguised as, like, a turret.
Or something.
And all this other stuff.
Yeah.
Uh, what you see is that this is actually, like, through your sign of science, you see that this entire area is just a desolate valley.
It's not even snowy here.
Uh, it's, it's just, like, the ruined remains of some imperial, like, farmhouse that was here.
Burned out.
Broken.
Uh, the river that is now this ice river seems to be, like, a dried out husk of a river.
And as you're seeing all of this, you realize that because this orc psyker believes it's a Christmas village.
It is a Christmas village here.
You know, out of character, Christmas in July is a lot more upsetting than I remember.
Yeah.
Power.
Everyone.
It was.
It's, it's not actually snowing.
I only have to snap out of it here.
That, uh, this orc seemingly has, uh, enough psychic power to basically cast a large and believable illusion along the area.
He is a psychic orc named Lork.
That's kind of like, you know, I can kind of, you know, and there's snow.
It's kind of like, you know, it's thematic.
Like, you are also a psychic from a snow place.
It's like, you have a-
How do you know his name?
Because he said, someone said it, I think.
No.
No one said it.
Well, I pointed a sign that says, Lork's Workshop.
I'll try to rap.
Oh, of course.
Mark him down that rap point, please.
Sure will.
There we go.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, speaker mix the use of a wrath so you can not look like a baboon.
Wow.
Oh, Maro.
Yes, and all of, all of the tiny Gretchen hordes, uh, goddammit, uh, like, have turned and are, like, pointing at you, and Lork has stepped out of the ruins of his workshop.
All right, you little gits.
No more time for workers.
It's time for slaughtering.
And that one, he'll point, uh, to the bearded ones, like, that one's mine.
And they all, like, turn and raise up their tiny little, uh, Christmas guns and Christmas knives and start, like, rushing towards you.
Who would like to go first?
How does Lork know about Christmas?
That works.
I mean-
You mean Sanguinola?
Yeah.
Yeah.
No, I don't.
He means Christmas.
Sorry.
My mistake.
Bitch.
No.
Uh, can I go first real quick?
Yeah.
I'm fine with that.
Uh, so, real quick.
Mm-hmm.
Is this area here in the dome or not?
Uh, ping?
I'm not sure if it is.
Where I've moved to.
Uh.
The corner should be, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, the corner is, yeah.
Okay, good.
Ah, yes, this, this cube-shaped dome.
Yeah.
Uh, I'm going to move up.
Mm-hmm.
And I'm going to fire.
Fire them.
Yeah.
Because they're within, they're within my-
They're within the 12.
Yep.
Yeah.
So, that's it.
That's it.
That's it.
Yeah.
So, that's still mid-range.
So, let me do a flamer.
Flamer.
Flame on.
Uh, we don't have a lot of glory to work with.
Yeah, we have to.
I'm just going to roll it.
We'll see what happens.
Yep.
Do it up.
Oh, there we go.
Whoa.
That's much better.
That's an eight.
I can shift twice.
All right.
So, I can-
One sec.
One sec.
Uh, you, yeah, you can shift twice.
So, uh, you will be able to do, let's see here, some kind of horrific, uh, uh, uh, uh,
some kind of horrific cone effect is I'm assuming what you're wanting to do.
Yeah.
So, I think these six, right?
Mm.
So.
Roughly.
Yeah.
Um.
Roughly, anyway.
Yeah.
So, you can, like, go, like, you can get basically six of them.
I will get six.
Yep.
Uh, and then, like, your flamethrower goes washing over the buildings and, like, just
torching the front.
That's six.
Uh, and causing the other four to take an immediate resolve test, which I don't even
think they can pass.
Nope.
And they start, like, bolting.
Ah!
No cheer here!
No cheer!
What are you doing?
What are you doing, you little geeks?
No cheer!
Good buck there.
Call!
Call for everyone!
Call, call for everyone.
Um.
Lork is going to go.
Lork is going to do a psychic mastery test.
You know Reap ever since we-
Here we go!
Go ahead.
He's going, he's going to, to pop several, several brains of several, several
little guys.
Here we go!
Here we go!
Here we go!
Here we go!
Here we go!
He's getting louder!
This is bad!
This is bad!
This is bad!
Um.
Excellent.
Excellent.
Holy shit.
Whoa!
Big number.
Here we go!
Here we go!
Here we go!
For any of you who remembered the orcosos special, this has always ended poorly.
Um.
Lorne.
Uh-huh.
You teleport up sixty meters into the air.
Well shit.
That's-that's Lork's turn.
As he de-jumps you-
Sixty-
You might want to fly-
Or sixty meters.
You might want to fly.
Remember.
You used this against me so much.
Payback.
Payback.
Hey, for the effort of
Lorne not dying, can you please
cast Fly on your turn?
Sure. I mean, who would like to go next?
I'll go last.
Probably Lorne before he falls. I'll go last,
because once it gets to my turn, I can then just
have a take. Alright, I don't mind going.
Alright.
God fucking damn it.
Does this mean we're not shielded anymore?
No, you are not shielded.
I'm gonna run on up a bit.
It's over here.
It's the damn scene from
The Simpsons where the frame of
Poochie just goes straight up.
Lorne returned to his own
planet. He died on the way
back. Now, these individuals were all
making X-mas treats for the
good boys and orcs, right?
I mean, they were
making guns. Okay, excellent.
I'm going to spend a wrath,
by the way, to make a
narrative declaration.
I did get one back, by the way,
so you still have one. Ooh, lovely.
Over here, that's where they were working on the
stick bombs.
I'm gonna shoot that stick bomb
table with my plasma gun
now.
Sure. Oh, you're
going to use your plasma gun on something?
Yeah, keep talking back,
Reels.
If I die,
are you gonna overcharge it?
Of course I am! I'm
Pybride!
I want to remind you, if you
blast me, you will have to face
Gracka without heals.
Honk. Alright, let's see if I can
remember to shoot this fucking thing.
Alright, would you say
I am in short range?
No. Okay.
You're in medium range. I will rapid fire
this.
Do we have any glory? I'm gonna
pump a glory into this as well. Just one.
You sickass.
Yeah, of course we're gonna overcharge.
Yeah.
And, uh...
I'm Messiah! Protect me!
Uh, I will wrath
that.
You got one
success!
I will...
Roll 7d6.
I am not a marksman.
Oh, my fucking god.
We did better this time.
You got two more.
That's gonna be a grand total of
three, and you know what?
I think that's enough to hit a stationary
table.
That's behind cover.
That's not your decision to make, Bucko.
Yeah, that's tiny behind cover
and has grots.
Sir, you kill a grot.
Man.
You did your best.
The grot is, like, standing on top of the table
like...
You've got this, like, perfect, beautiful
shot that is literally going
through a mob of grots past a
wall into a...
another mob of grots to hit a table.
You hit a grot right at the end,
who is melted into, like,
slag as this, like, miniature
sun impacts him and sends him
careening off of the table and dying.
Man.
Or it's cause I didn't cock it.
That's the end of my turn.
Good.
Cock.
Good. Good. I will brain torture.
This is cock and brain torture.
Look, cock and brain torture.
That should be the name of the episode. Ah!
The grot horde descends onto Pybraon.
They fire all of their
crimbus guns at you.
They're going to use Gloggs, run away!
They're firing
all of the crimbus
guns at you.
I believe it's just... So, there's just a wave of
crumbus firepower
coming at you. We'll see what happens.
Uh...
Not the Merry... Not the Merry...
miss mousers i am not a merry man uh oh well they'll hit you um because i might cover
they're adjacent to the cover that's not how cover works
i dream of electric beep did you seriously do that yeah yeah you're right they'll do 12 points
of damage to you how could this be my perfect plan all right well i suppose i'll just
fucking determination
this is rude stupid comedy you are just smashed repeatedly by uh by tiny pop guns
all right who would like to go next
uh i believe that's is that a go
unless lauren no lord's going last right yep
go for it zedek i'll i'll take care of these ones
all right time to shut down christmas no one's getting presents this year because the captain's
no longer a captain doesn't have any money i hate this fucking planet captain zedek will
shoot with the ark pistol please don't leave the dome the dome is in fucking outer space right now
i don't think we can beat it it's it's 63 points up
do not leave the dome
leave the orb i have left the orb
orb thank you to attack
anti orb brother high five
yes i high five him
five successes and a crit but it can't crit on
away once again
um i will i will let you kill two of them
thank you
actually uh yeah i'll let you i'll let you do do a blast through and pop two so
and then these two just shift over to keep them up
otherwise if i lose if i lose coherency the other models die and
you know that those rules just suck um all right perfect um i'm going to go with the next mob you
got to make sure these guys stay actually outside of an inch away because uh yeah they're not in
combat then uh another mob of screeching gretchen runs forward shouting and waving like pistols as
they double move uh lorn you're flying what would you like to do as you are 60 meters there all
right so we have to do some math that's all i'm currently 60 meters up in the air correct yes you
can fall approximately 9.8 meters a second so i still have enough time with the like how many
seconds are in a round i mean it's like a six second round ish you know okay so we're gonna do
six seconds so six six times oh my god six times nine point
is about 55. i can go we can do another full round before i am about five meters above the ground
now i also need to see if i can angle myself where i'm in the trajectory towards lork
okay like i'm like manipulating my body like doing a free fall so i can start going forward
you know take the momentum to fly straight at him because i want to wizard punch him
oh my fucking god because i currently have shape flesh going
and with the trajectory so how much how much fall damage would i take
by plummeting into him with all this this buffage going um
that's uh that's a good question um i'm not just stalling so i can pull it
you didn't have super psychic dive kicks freak out yeah i'm fine
dm is this
oh jesus when you fall a distance of five meters what's like when you fall a distance of five
meters or more you suffer falling damage you suffer one mortal wound plus 1d3 mortal wounds
for every extra five meters you fall okay so and theoretically five
you get 93 1 plus 93 mortal wounds 93 it's a risk i'm well on the tank
okay
so we are plummeting
you're you're recreating dive kick the video game which is a legit fucking game let me tell you
true no um okay okay okay so despise 35 okay crush is 20 this is one of those moments where
like pithagoras theory is so you'd like to dm how could you do an algebra
yeah
remember in high school when you're in calculus you're like i will never use this well gamers i
have news for you after this we're gonna go make a skeleton computer because because of that math so
basically let's you're gonna friggin like i'm sorry oh that is my movement of literally air
diving there because i'm like straight adam um but of course but of course uh let's see here
it's a reasonable fall okay
so 1d9 that many wounds i have that much resilience it goes up to 11. okay
okay so you're gonna like like try to use the force and then like
cast levitate to arrest your fall but translate some of that force into lorch is your plan
none of that would make sense okay okay are you gonna fall down are you gonna move towards
i'm falling i'm falling down but as i'm falling towards him i'll cast levitate as i'm
sending down so absolute do it so i can still be in range later and that is seven but the difficulty
five six seven so yeah i'm good for that because i'm sustaining all these powers you fall down
with your shaped flesh in front of lorik um like the psychic the psychic wizard duel has begun
um oh my gosh i was gonna add in a try to cast molten beam at the same time with a higher difficult
defense it's gonna be plus four to see if i even hit him fucking looboo yeah yeah yeah way to solo
the enemy army dynasty i mean you know i play high brain i've got a sword and i run at people
he's super he's really playing superman
a molten beam roll your psychic mastery horn oh my god all right i'm gonna wrap that yeah yeah please
have done so that is uh one two uh four five six six failures it says there so you can just use
that number whoops i need one more die there oh my god uh that is oh my god i got like almost all
of them except one that is four five six seven eight nine ten eleven eleven oh eleven yeah eleven
total the molten beam moment point blank so let me i want to describe my scene please i set up yes
lorik so lorik is there basically like oh it's gonna get you a little stronger get up you go and
just basically the jumps me all the way in the sky thinking oh he's just a little stalker boy
i burst many of the edge before and lauren just basically just hovering still buff the fuck up
with all these other powers so this is difficult as hell he's like this is absolutely bullshit i'm
gonna fucking punch him i've been in this fucking planet eating fondant for nearly a goddamn month
with these fucking crazy assholes having to hear goddamn kazoos because no one knows what else to do
to find happiness in the damn battlefield i'm gonna punch this fucking orc so goddamn hard
and get me off this fucking rock and then he goes just basically like psychic energy just is
building in his fucking hand as he's diving in there casting levitate to ease his fall
and basically point blank to his face
and then boom beam right at him and that's how it goes so 18 damage
absolutely
it was a hologram i just assumed that you
do all of this and then lorik goes flying up into the sky team rocket style
he just he's gone and then there's the little
like star like
um i had this great encounter like the gretchen were you gonna sing it was gonna be good
oh look that mob fails
that mob fails too
maybe that mob nope and the last one they could roll it they could roll the six right right right
okay okay so so all these other mobs like start scattering and like running the the bleep away
uh they're they're they're intimidated but this mob this was the most loyal of the gretchen
and they swarm you lorne fight me nerds they will and they are they will and yes they they
come rushing in uh shooting point to blanket you with their crop blasters okay
sensitive
uh what's your defense three okay so you get uh plus two to your defense because they're
shooting pistols and melee against you we'll see how this goes uh and then they're gonna get
Do seven points.
I tank it all because my resilience is ungodly right now
because of Shade Flesh and everything else.
As they come in like
tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.
You can't kill the Jesus
allegory.
They all run.
I'm going to say to spare us
all the like sad
time.
You're going to murder them, Lauren.
These poor grunts. Bye, everybody.
Goodbye.
And the sad
Christmas village
becomes a desolate
dry wasteland.
Yes. I know you're sad.
But Orcsmas can
still be saved.
Because I'm going to walk
up to the stick bombs
and I'm just going to take them.
So how many do I take?
See, things can get better.
We
Okay, look. They're all duds.
They're all duds.
They were shitty labor.
Rich and shitty labor.
None of them worked. In fact,
when you actually hit
with your plasma bolt, but they were
all wooden. They were fake,
Speaker. They were fake. You know, I think I
deserve my wrath back, though.
No.
I like the point. We literally
have rung Thurston
dry like a fucking $4
brothel. It is not.
He's going to
Warham's
Psychiatrist like a
fish. Thurston, your
psychiatric, your psychiatric appointment is
going to take 30 minutes and they
begin now because
you still have one last guy
and I'm so happy you saved him for
the end because it means that I am the
most powerful ever. Guys,
donate, donate
to our Patreon. So Thurston
won't be
into a psychiatric ward.
Justify Thurston's
tolerance by using us.
This is the worst
chilling.
If we were DMing in the 1920s,
he'd have probably been lobotomized
from all the pressure we put on him.
So everybody else.
Are you implying he hasn't been
lobotomized already by the sheer amount
of caustic stupidity actively
eating a hole in his brain? He's getting close.
I can tell.
Alright, Thurston, I want to know.
Let's go down some
It Didn't Happen lane.
What did you have planned out?
What did you have going?
I mean, they were going to come
and they were going to sing and then Lork
was going to start juggling you and try
while you were being juggled, he was
going to shoot zap energy while singing
Christmas songs at you. But no,
I don't get that.
That sounds really fun.
Great job, Zurn.
That was an excellent use.
That was fun.
Well, very good.
Thurston, thanks for allowing my baby
back bullshit. We all appreciate you.
It's fine. It's fine.
I just see that one left.
You can do it again
later. It's true.
Lork didn't die.
He just got thrown really far.
Yeah, exactly.
Okay.
So I assume you're going to leave the Christmas
village and carry on?
Yeah, I guess.
Let's get out. Let's leave.
Let's leave this
break and play.
Any further bits are pushing our luck.
Soon after,
you find yourselves carrying on
a winding mountainous
path towards
the sort of smoggy air
above.
You carry on for quite some time.
The air becoming sort of
choking around you. And luckily,
Lorne maintains. I'm assuming you're maintaining the dome
and the regeneration, Lorne.
Yeah, I'm maintaining the dome
shapeflat.
And regeneration.
Absolutely.
Yeah. So you're carrying
on up
towards this
sort of upper area
and going along this
fairly large mountainous
pass several meters across
as you're traveling. And you
reach through this smog wall and you can
see the peak
of the mountain
summit up ahead
where the flak gun is
located.
You make your way
coming around a bend
having like breathed
and finally caught your breath in this
sort of high altitude area
when you
see that several rocks
tumble down
from a slope up above you.
Probably a good like 10
meters.
And what you see above you staring
down is
an immense
orcoid creature.
It's a creature.
It's in fact, it's
it's skull appears to have been ripped
open to reveal a brain
that is stabbed with several
like nails into it.
And this orcoid just looks down
at all of you impassively from
from 10 meters up.
But behind this orcoid is
an even bigger figure, someone
who looms behind
him in
the most audacious,
contrapion you have seen
yet.
A suit of
what you can only describe as
orc power mecha armor
looms down,
spiking, drilling arms,
buzzing and whirring as an orc sits
in the center of this canopy.
And you hear the loud booming voice
of this orc in the blue.
Ida, Omish looks like your your flat cannons in another mountain.
I'd look teleport it away as I did.
Well, but if you teleported it away,
then it would be flaking a different location,
which functionally is the same as it just being gone.
Well, it's not here.
Only me, Mech Boss Mondo and my lad Gracker are here.
Oh, and the other 50 boys.
And like you start realizing from above the path
and now coming out from some side caverns are several boys
that are surrounding you.
Oh, Gracker, I was a real shock.
Hi, Gracker.
Well, looks like Gracker is dead.
Well, looks like Gracker is dead.
Well, looks like Gracker is dead.
Gracker, you fell for my cunning, you dids.
I'm Mech Boss Mondo.
I run things around these parts, I do.
Yeah, that's what he does.
He runs things.
Gracker here, he puts like a drill claw
on Gracker's shoulder.
He's my best lad.
That's why I saved him for last.
Oh.
Does he have depression?
He doesn't seem very excited about it.
Well, he'll get excited once he's in the fighting,
which is just about to happen.
Well, boys, get him, and once you're done,
we'll finish wrapping up those other humies down in the river.
And there's like this shouting, whoa, from all of the boys.
All right.
Whoa.
Wage.
Wage.
He's making some good points here.
He's making some good points here.
Who would like to go first?
As you see that there are two squads of 10 boys
coming in either side of the sort of slope,
and then above you is Gracker
and what appears to be a few more orcs.
So I recommend everyone to tell me
where they want to be defensive,
if they want to play that way.
If not, I'm going to- You know what?
I'll do my own thing.
Well, we appear to have been surrounded on a cliff face.
I'll let you hide in the dome to start,
and then I'll figure out where you want to be.
This is a really good defensive position,
but it's close to Gracker.
So the only like optimal way to do it
is if you're trying for close combat.
I honestly want to say our best option right now
would probably be to like push through these guys.
Like we really need to cut through them
and get to somewhere safer because-
If we get pinched-
I agree, actually.
This is the best range to cover.
Yeah, so what I can do is I can move up
and then one of you can interrupt with Glory
to move up with me,
or I can stay here and one of you can go take the plunge
over there and then I move later.
Like somehow, I'm trying to figure out a way
for me to protect you in there in melee.
So I can go and then whoever,
if you're confident in defending here,
so that it all depends how we want to do that,
or everyone just run.
And then people who want to stay in range, stay with me.
Yeah.
And of course we could always just, you know,
run away because our job here is basically,
we literally have nothing we have to gain here.
Yeah, we just don't want to die.
Because if we kill the boss,
then their morale might crumble.
I am worried that we may not be able to do that.
I have utmost faith in our abilities.
I don't.
Yeah, that or we could all just stay in the dome and shoot.
I don't think that's a good idea.
There's also, so alternatively,
we could also like go the back path up
because it looks like there is a path snaking up
to where MechBoss Mondo is.
That's true.
But this area right here has these rocks,
which means that if this thing has any guns,
it'll be the most covered.
And if we're over here, we have these rocks as cover,
this cliff face as cover.
So I think I actually pushing forward this way
might be a good idea.
Yeah.
All right, who's going first?
Yeah, remember they can always come to us.
We can also be patient.
I don't like us staying here
because there's virtually no cover outside of the dome.
Well, it could be a team thing.
So I guess we all voting to go first.
Yeah, I will go first and I will go forward
if that's okay with everybody.
All right.
Hit it.
I'm going to charge over yonder.
Volumioria, you fiends!
Are you, what are you using?
I'll be using my power sword.
Are you attacking the mob or are you attacking the nomb?
Oh, I see.
About to say, could you use the eviscerator, please?
It's slightly better.
The eviscerator is slightly better at raw damage.
Um, uh, oh, is it fair to say that Zedek
would have made a joke on our way here?
So many funny orc boys!
Wait, wait, wait, what now?
Ooh, I'm really loving it now!
Hey, guys, hey, guys, it's me, Captain Zedek.
Wouldn't it be funny if they teleported the flak gun away?
and we had to just fight a bunch of wolves to not die?
That'd be great!
Alright, we'll always...
Yeah, okay. Holy frickin' crap, Ransom, I lost my entire fortune!
That- that- that restored shock in a real way.
So the answer is no.
Uh, bye, Brain, carry on.
Oh, dear.
Okay, fine.
Uh, I... what does this knob got?
Uh, he has a big choppa.
Um, okay, I'll actually attack the horde first.
Okay.
Because, uh, the horde is, um, slightly more concerning.
Um...
Sure.
Nah, the knob.
The knob.
Okay, let's go.
Uh, that will be three successes.
Uh...
Um...
What is- what the fuck is happening?
Yeah, you'll- you'll- you'll hit.
Alright!
Uh, and then I will be, uh, uh, getting him for 18 damage, AP 4.
Okay.
Hold that.
Okay!
He takes it.
I don't like that!
And that'll be the turn.
And that'll be the turn.
The orc turns to you after being, like, torn into by this horrific weapon.
Would anyone want to interrupt?
No, you-
No, I wanna let- I wanna let Thurston finish.
And it's your turn.
Okay.
It's your- your fight.
Nice.
No, Thurston was saying something and you-
Oh, good.
Sorry.
No, he just turns, like, bull- like, blood is, like, like, dashing down him now.
He looks, like, really, like, near death, but he's still standing.
Alright.
Uh...
I guess...
Zedek, what's your- what's your defense?
My defense is 4.
Unless I'm in melee, in which case it's slightly higher.
Uh, why don't you do that, then?
Because mine is better under the bubble.
Mine is-
Hell yeah!
Suicide charge!
Let's go!
Yeah, I need to fix your defense thing.
Yeah, go ahead.
I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO LOSE!
And I charge.
Okay.
The knob or the- the voice?
The knob.
Okay.
Okay.
The no-
Kill him.
With-
Good.
Make attack on knob.
I do that right now.
It's going to be four successes, if that's not enough.
It's also got a crit, so...
I will-
Yeah, roll 2d6.
This will actually be very important.
Sure.
Because the damage otherwise isn't going to really do much to this guy.
Ooh.
I want to get left.
Okay.
52?
Or 42?
Okay.
What's a 42 on the critical hit table?
Is...
Vicious vivisection.
You can spend, uh, glory to add additional mortal wounds onto this, if you'd like.
Hey!
Can I spend glory, lads?
Uh, yeah.
Uh, how much we got?
We got two.
Two?
And roll me a d3.
Here's one.
Sure.
So, d3 plus one.
I'll let you take one.
Cool.
Nice.
Yeah, you- you come with me.
I'll let you take one.
Cool.
Nice.
Yeah, you- you come in and, like, take down that man.
Ah!
Excellent, Zedek!
Yes, spy.
Ah.
Okay.
Oh, my.
Good job.
I love it.
Stunning silence.
I- I always said, uh-huh.
We didn't- we didn't hear that.
Oh, excellent.
No.
Well, you know, they said that the most important rule of improv is to yes and, but the second
most important rule is to say nothing and go into a hole.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Good.
Alright, the orcs begin to surround you.
We'll do five and five to, you know, keep it- keep it reasonable here.
So, on to Captain Zedek.
So, we're gonna give a plus three to this.
I think that's it, that's it, that's it.
And you haven't hurt them yet, so that's cool.
Yeah, okay, cool.
So I'm Captain Zedek.
I'm going to sidestep.
Okay, so I will have 11 successes.
So what's your defense with the sidesteps?
Six, okay, so I still am going to be able to shift twice.
They can't crit you because they're only troops, so that's cool.
So I'll do two extra damage.
Let's see what I get.
Nothing extra, so you take 12 damage from their attacks.
I'm going to Determination that to not get hurted.
Cool.
Good.
Ah, not very good.
Not very good.
Or not.
Oh, no, no, no.
The other mob will...
You can't Complicate Determination, so you're good.
The other mob will start, like, hacking into Pybrain now.
Oh, man.
So these are two separate mobs.
Well, they split their attacks, so half and half.
Oh, my God.
These are more dice than I get.
Orcs in combat.
Bam.
Orcs in combat.
I see.
I probably should have gotten them first.
The dome.
The dome.
So, yeah, 13.
And they can...
What's your defense right now?
Five.
Okay, so they can shift three, so they'll do 14 points to you.
Oh, damn.
Okay.
I will roll some soaking.
Yes.
Yeah.
Uh, let me get a bunch of die points.
Okay, I can technically soak everything, but I won't.
Um, so 13, I will take, uh...
Let's see.
I will take two wounds.
Cool.
Who would like to go next?
Uh, I'm gonna move up.
Mm-hmm.
So, because it's the time.
And...
And...
Okay, so this is my also my first time charging.
Can I make that?
Uh, it's basically a double move, so your move is six, right?
Yeah, six, so you can move 12, so...
Yeah, absolutely.
If you want to charge into that mob.
I will move into the middle and charge with my own power sword.
Absolutely.
I'm a little bit bad, because my melee skill's terrible.
Do it.
So, like, there-ish?
There.
Yeah, okay, cool.
I was gonna move further.
Oh, okay, yeah, move, move where you want to.
Yeah, cool.
There.
Yeah.
And I'm going to attack the guy directly to the left of me, so I have a space for Zoran.
So, run to it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, I'm going to do that.
Uh, there we go.
Power sword.
Go.
Watch out.
Ooh, there you go.
Why?
There's so many rolls for that.
Uh...
Uh, that's a three.
What's his defense?
Uh, that will- that will hit the mob, so you're good.
Okay.
And 14 AP three, miraculously.
Yeah, so actually that's enough for you to take out two of them.
As you come rushing in and go,
You did it.
I'll take out the one to the left- I'll take out the one to the left of me and the one to the right of me.
Okay, cool.
Uh, you, like, you slash down the other one and you realize as that one falls, there's, like, a distinct metal thud, as it seems to have been carrying onto a very large, uh, weapon.
What is the weapon?
It appears to be some kind of crude rocket launcher.
Oh.
Yeah, very good.
Just what we needed for this boss fight against Albert Wesker.
Very good.
I would like to interrupt.
This one.
Yeah.
Yeah, there we go.
Take that glory.
And I'll take the final glory.
And I will- I would- because I'm not gonna be able to walk it that well, but I know I can charge.
So I'm actually gonna charge.
Yes!
This is where I can know I can get there.
A very-
So this is my only melee move I'll probably ever make, and obviously I'll take the spot that he made for me, which he did an excellent job, thank you.
So then everyone gets domed.
Yay!
As I rush up there.
And I'm now gonna make my very first melee attack.
Do it.
I don't actually have a melee weapon.
Do it.
Um.
Like, I tend to have the staff.
Use your big fist.
No, remember, you're very muscular right now, remember?
Well, that-
Because of your mutation.
Well, that thing happens when the psychic powers are, uh, not working, and we get suppressed.
Um.
Hey, it's Bonk on the head day.
You should've had a staff. I don't think we ever had it in your character sheet, though, so.
I could just do a weapon skill test.
Yeah, you never statted his shotgun staff.
Give me a weapon skill.
Like, I'm punching the mobs or whatever.
And I don't know.
I got two.
Uh, yeah, okay.
I'm not a melee guy.
I'll say you Bonk an orc.
Bonk.
Okay.
Alright, I will go.
I did it! I got one in melee!
Congratulations.
Gracka takes the most unimpressive step, and then begins sliding down.
My dome. My dome.
Which, if you remember- I'll move your dome.
My dome!
Which, if you remember from the orcasode, uh,
Gracka slides down like he was sliding down.
Sliding on the- the rock.
Just... slide.
For the- for other people, I assume, in case they didn't see the orc episode, it's like he does not-
It's like he's not moving.
Yeah, his feet are planted, he's just sliding down, not moving at all.
His stock's still bracing for the, like, the maneuver, but ultimately not really leaning into it.
He just basically acts like nothing is happening.
He's just sliding down an incline.
And, um, I'll be generous.
I'm going to...
Uh, 1d2 to see if he's going for Zedek or Reeb here.
Uh...
Yeah, who's who?
Zedek will be number one.
Great.
Sorry, Reeb.
I can fix ya.
Now I will die.
No, no you won't. I will die.
These are the journeys of us 1v1ing each other.
That's a lot of meatballs!
Oh dear.
That's, uh...
Okay.
Okay, let's go through this carefully, Thurston.
Yes.
I have eight health.
Yes.
I have eight resilience.
Yes.
I have three defense.
Correct.
It is AP three, so I can resist- I get resilience five.
That means I take 13 damage if I don't Determination.
Okay.
I'm going to Determination.
Yes.
You got two.
No.
No.
Or...
Yeah.
I got zero.
Oh, yeah, you did.
Yeah.
Yeah.
The dice are on.
Gotta get that fixed.
Yeah.
Uh, so I resist none of it.
I take...
I take 13 wounds.
I am now at zero wounds.
Okay.
So you fall to- you fall prone and are dying.
What about dome?
The dome also, um...
Let me tell you how that works.
Yeah, please do.
Give me the- give me the numbers.
Yeah, because your resilience goes up by probably, like, just one.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Probably, like, just one.
Let me try to find...
Okay.
So I'm at zero health.
Yeah.
You will still be at zero.
Plus two resilience.
Yeah.
So it's plus two resilience.
You get two resilience.
It may roll Determination against mortal wounds, but it didn't do mortal wounds to you.
Yeah.
Okay.
I have...
I am at zero health.
Yeah.
You're still at zero.
He knocks you down, like, backhands you after sliding.
Does Graka say anything?
I could have a wife.
As Reeb goes down.
Oh.
All right.
Nice.
Um...
Cool.
You guys have that to look forward to.
Yay!
Big success!
This mob moves up.
However, as part of it, one of the orcs comes forward and is, like, cheered on and appears
to pick up a very hefty weapon and is aiming it through the melee at Pybrain.
Oh, hold on.
Yes?
But I'm within one inch in close combat.
The risk is too great.
Yeah.
We were playing real orcs here.
But there it is!
It's gonna fire at you.
Let's see what happens.
Shooting and melee.
Here's this green blast template.
Just raise it up closer to your eyes and get more orcs.
Just...
Can I...
Oh, he's in short range, too.
Am I allowed to make a narrative declaration, even though it's not my turn?
Uh, yeah.
I let...
Let me...
Let me...
Let me...
Let me...
Let me...
Let me...
Let me...
Let me...
Let me...
Let me...
Let me...
Yeah, I let Loren do it.
Why the fuck not?
My narrative declaration is that orcs being orcs, this one just happens to have
loaded the ammunition in backwards.
And by orc logic, it's going to fire back at its user.
Okay.
Well, um, this is...
Well not back at its user, it's going to fire back towards the guys behind it.
Uh, I'll allow this, because what's going to happen here is this missle, this rocket
is going to come and then it's going to corkscrew.
um i'm going to roll i'm gonna roll 1d6 because we're gonna use the scattering rules here because
i i technically hit really um because a rocket is a blast weapon but i'm going to allow zedek's
narrative declaration to miss but it's going to then scatter which means it actually deviates d6
oh one is straight back and then it kind of is like two to six in a
arc i'll i'll show you in a sec two so it's basically gonna go
it's basically gonna go this way uh up up like towards the north of it uh zedek roll me 2d6
okay
high is good here
very good uh seven not bad okay so that's going to like corkscrew up to this area
explode and take out three boys from this mob
as the rocket comes careens towards the combat veers off
flying backwards and then smashes up here it explodes taking out three boys in that mob
cool come on you useless gate score some
jogging hits
go
go
go ,
no
third
people with a DPS to potentially ice Graka are me and Lorne. However, Thurston is up
two ruin, so chances are we are not going to be able to one-hit KO him. Also, Lorne,
you and I are the people best suited to wiping out these hordes.
Hordes.
I'm not likely to take a counter hit from Graka, but I can counter attack him regardless
and potentially starve him of ruin. So if I attack him, I'll be taking one for the team
to basically get knocked out.
So the other thing I could try to do, I mean, his strength is probably going to
be able to break through it, but we'd have to kind of reread how Crush works, because
if I cast Crush on him and I succeed, then he just is disabled until he's able to try
to break out of it, which all he has to do is make a strength or a will save of a certain
difficulty.
So if I just keep disabling him, if I keep spamming it.
Wait, no. Yes, if you can get him in Crush, we could potentially hyper combo him. I have
a plan.
Yeah, and that's kind of the plan, because it'll also do damage depending on his resilience,
which it should do at least enough, depending on his determination rolls.
He was quite tough.
Yeah, that's the issue.
If I may posit something as well, would it benefit the party to give you some shock back
now or after things go awry?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
I mean.
Okay, yeah.
So, yes, I'm gonna go with Shock, I think.
We're at full shock.
We are.
I don't think so, because I have zero shock.
Yeah, because he told me that we weren't.
Correct.
You are not.
Oh, that's right.
Yeah, I'm fine.
Okay, yeah.
Shock it back, I'm gonna go with my Shock.
Except for Loren, because.
Yeah, I'm fine.
Yeah, except for Loren, because.
Yeah, except for Loren.
It doesn't matter for me.
I'm at zero.
Yeah.
We will fix you.
focus greco right now so i okay so lord i can go yeah i can go first i can unbound cast because
i'm going to drop a bunch of stuff to make this work because the issue is i'm going to become
super vulnerable i want to keep the dome up just to help uh but i'm literally dropping a bunch of
shit and i'm going to unbound as far as i can try to buff up the fucking crush because if i can keep
them there then yay and if i complicate we're all gonna die anyway so uh yeah i'll do that and
then you can interrupt and then try to finish them off that's the plan okay so this is what
i'm gonna do i'm dropping everything except dome there's some okay and i'm going to cast unbound
which i think is three or two wrath i forget uh it's an extra two two excellent and i'm so it's
three wrath total
basically yeah i think you just want to roll them separately though because it'll be easier to track
them look at you with all your psychic powers that i don't have let's okay if it does if it does do
it then yeah i didn't mess too much for psychic hours so yeah i had one in here i just put three
so just three wrath total okay cool okay yeah i'm going to roll this and i have one i'm going to i'm
also going to and i can't forget one but it's okay yeah i'm now going to uh wrath it or uh
yeah my uh
my re-roll so i can go ahead and get all the other stuff uh okay so five of them fail so roll
three and then two because you can recomp oh sorry uh four and then one you can re-complicate on that
two that's why yeah yeah okay so four and then one yeah i'll roll these uh yeah i'll roll three
for that for the first normal ones which will have may not wait hold up i have to click because the
dice are wrong so that's two more yeah it's two yeah sorry chad the dice have been wrong the
entire time we'll try to fix that next time sorry about that
but um yeah like the three visual ones yeah um so that's two more and then i have to roll the other
two and see if i complicate actually i think it's just one right it's just one all right
we can do the left one yeah not the six oh i'll be fair yeah um so that is an extra two
so ten total okay yeah so ten total and that allows me to boost that up um which i kind of wish it
told me whenever i did the thing i uh i'm gonna make you real sad what's that i'm gonna make you
real sad here i'm gonna use a complication that is uh gonna really make you hate me
i'd like to thank mechanicus inept for this uh this complication okay it's called wrong hot key
a different psychic power is cast than the intended one
neat monstrous no it's okay there's nothing you can do about that
we're gonna we kind of i would prefer that than like something else really bad happening
i don't have any uh can't be killed by any psychic fuck that's really
i like every molten beam molten beam molten beam
molten beam wouldn't really do enough
you
that's that's the deal we're trying to see because he has a shit ton of health
that's that's the thing like i get molten beam and then nothing happens unless pi brains able
to do a shit ton of damage and like he can but this guy is tough as nails so that's that's why
we're like ceasing him i don't mind the molten beam yeah my my uh plan is less damage based than
you might think but that's the thing is we don't we don't decide molten beam oh yeah we have to
wait for thirst and it's a wrong hot key yes
yeah so that's uh hmm that i know i know damaging complication i need to ban that shit
i need to ban that shit
it's a complication that is not a complication
unfortunate circumstance of the current action that is not the right one
uh
we're gonna remind patrons not to do this
wow
this is the kind of complications that are the best
it's true
okay i'm gonna
what do we choose
change it we will change it to molten beam okay cool that's all you'll hit that's all i can really
do uh so yeah and because of molten beam i guess we'll buff it up yeah because i can basically
plus two like what's like you only get you only have one shift you only had one shift so okay
yeah it's two for each shifting yeah yeah so you'll you'll hit him with a regular molten beam
so yeah so that's gonna be not gonna let me just roll the thing here so we can figure out the
damage sure uh so just ignore the other thing so two dice yeah yeah i'll just roll it so it does
auto does its thing uh so 20 okay 20 cool uh yeah plus one so like 21 uh yeah yeah yeah i'm going to
so it's 11 and then i'm going to roll determination on crack
uh no it does not that's one of the weird things about it it just does a lot of damage
yeah so it's going to
you
you
you
I'm interrupting how bad does he look
um sir not sir mark me down or mark me down a rune point that bad okay no no i'm interrupting
first okay so i guess we get our glory back or yeah okay we're not we can't interrupt don't
interrupt
okay so i guess we get out go ahead
go ahead
go ahead we're done
crack takes a a step forward does graca say anything as he goes to punt lorn
crack takes a a step forward does graca say anything as he goes to punt lorn
or do you get me with that hot rod
uh then smashes lorne
uh then smashes lorne
uh then smashes lorne
I love the pile of dice that just appeared.
Oh my god.
He succeeds.
I think it just hits, though.
Yeah.
All right.
So it's minus two by default.
So everyone knows he rolled three successes, so it hits Loren's defensive three.
He did 18 damage, minus three AP.
So that just negates all the shield and a one.
And my resilience is, or determination is garbage, because I have two.
I will roll the two and make none of them.
Oh my god.
So technically, I'm dead.
Oh yeah, because that's going to double your, but what's your HP?
No, it's not going to double his HP.
It's seven.
Yeah, but the damage that goes through.
Yeah, but reduced by reserve.
Yeah, but your resilience, yeah, your resilience reduces it.
So you're not, you're dying, because your resilience is also up by two.
For your dome, which will make a shadow once he.
What's your, what's your resilience normally?
My resilience is, oh yeah, it's six normally.
That's right, I'm sorry.
Yeah, so it'll go up.
Yes, you're fine.
You're still fine.
You're still fine.
However, you're going to be in prone town population, you, as he smashes you down with the back of his hand.
And to inform people how dome works, it's just two resilience, fellas.
Yeah.
It's not like one.
When magically disappears, like it's just two resilience, that's all it is.
Yeah.
That's why I was thinking with the AP he has, so it's like.
Does, does the shield keep up while you're dying?
Probably not, because I would have to sustain it.
And if I'm down and unconscious, that means I'm off.
You're, you're not unconscious yet.
You basically go prone and are dying.
Okay.
So I guess it would stay, but it's like, yeah, I don't know.
That's not something Thurston.
You can only take a basic combat.
You can't sustain anything, which is the problem.
All right.
So then.
So it's, it's going to, yeah, it's going to, I'll, I'll mark that off.
Okay.
Um, I have faith.
Okay.
Oh, what do I have to fear from you?
I'm going to charge at this guy.
Okay.
Wait, shout.
I've seen two of my best friends struck down.
The tide of battle turns against us, but you know what?
I'm not going to.
That's not me.
So I'm going to try something really stupid.
I love it.
I understand this man does is obviously bored to hell.
Uh, with my more weakened state, I'm not confident in my ability to duel him.
But what I am confident in is the idea that no matter how much his Borg body may
support him, no matter how powerful his augments or his, you know, strength, the
arm, the siah's strength is greater.
And using my own.
Augments, I want to try to pick him up and I want to bring him and throw him off the side of the cliff.
You're the fucking most ballsy character I've ever had in a game of mine.
Yeah, yeah, sure.
Would this be an opposed check of some kind?
Um, yeah, I'm going to probably say this is like the fucking definition of that.
I agree.
Oh, no.
See, that's my hope is that he's too big of a guy to have a very good athletic score.
He's also very heavy, but I am stronger than a space Marine.
True, so this is my hope.
All right, roll that out.
I am putting all of our remaining glory into this.
Sharks of two.
It's going to be an opposed check, so roll and then I'm going to roll mine.
I'm going to grab him by the scruff of the neck.
And once again.
By his fucking terrible zenoid abdomen, we're going pro wrestling.
Do it up.
I am obviously going to wrap this.
I am beside myself.
So you like you go around him and.
You got a you got a three with six failures and a wrap.
66. You can wrap it.
Yep. Oh, sorry.
Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
I need to add another you.
You know, I didn't want to add in the glory that I threw out.
Oh, two more rolls.
Two more. Yeah. Four so far.
Oh, my God.
Holy fuck.
That's one more.
So you're and you can hold one because, you know, that was you.
You spent a wrap and you complicated six, dude.
Yeah. Six.
OK, I know leadership.
I've inspired him once.
Like, I have to roll the.
Opposed check here.
Versus five.
So it's.
I love the giant.
Oh, my God.
Why is he a motherfucker's got six athletics.
And then six points in athletics and then his strength score.
Yes. Who is this guy?
He was very he was very strong speaker.
You don't you don't honestly think I was able to charge the end ball.
And basically one shot her.
I would like solace in the idea that you there was nothing else I could do.
I appreciate you with your well, like everyone's like, how is your weapon skill?
And you're like, no, it's perfectly reasonable because I have like this high strength
weapon skill and then this high skill.
Yeah, this is him.
I like I figured he was a big guy and he wouldn't have very good athletics
since he seems like he's a stronger he's a stronger guy, not a dexterous guy.
So I put him into athletics because I did.
I wanted to avoid that.
I was not aware you attempt.
It did. It does not go well.
I think this might be the last game of war hands.
So I'm going to go with the orc mob.
I know you don't get to actually big guy.
Yeah, because you would try.
Yeah, it's my turn.
He's a big guy for you.
Yeah. What are you going to do, Captain Zedek?
You know, I, I didn't think you could carry the weight of the team anymore.
Oh, yeah. Sorry.
You also complicated that.
Athletics.
Yeah, sure.
I forgot about that.
Just do it.
What game do you want to play?
OK.
You know, I mean, we could all roll guardsman after.
And no, no, no.
I want to play only war.
I fucking hate only war.
I haven't even mentioned only war.
I just wanted to play a guardsman.
I like how you knee jerk with a switching system.
I'm joking. I'm big.
Hate you.
OK.
Continue.
OK.
We're running over time.
You pull, you pull your back.
Pie brain.
That'll give you a penalty on some future stuff.
OK.
Captain Zedek.
Pie, I see you carrying the weight of the team, but I bet that that big port belly portabello
didn't see this coming.
And Captain Zedek will try and shoot the nails on his head and electrify his brain.
Hopefully.
Oh, very good.
Stunning.
Very, very good.
OK.
Hang on a second.
He wasn't trying to lift the weight of the team.
He was trying to lift me.
He makes a good point.
Yeah.
Roll that attack, please.
Oh, fuck yeah.
This is, this is what I wanted.
This is great.
Oh, God.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Five comp.
Are you fucking shitting me?
I love it.
You're, you're gonna, you're gonna hit him.
That's, and you can shift too, so you get an extra point of damage.
Wow.
Yeah.
Uh, so you'll get, uh, let's see.
Or roll an extra damage.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Be careful.
Don't touch dice.
I mean.
Oh, the two.
Not one.
Also, everybody recovers shock, which is gonna be equal to.
It's not gonna do extra damage.
He's gonna roll Resilience, or Determination.
Okay, cool.
Um, his shock is, like, he's, he seems pretty exhausted.
He's exhausted from fighting you.
He's still standing.
That was cool.
Hi, you get a everything.
You get a...
Damn.
All right.
You get seven shock back.
Hey!
Shalom!
I think actually that's the right thing to say.
I don't know.
I can't actually speak it.
Yes.
All right.
I will go.
I'll have these orcs go.
Yeah.
Neat.
Wow.
Yes.
I love that.
Two of the mob is going to spend their efforts
kicking Reeb and Lorne into unconsciousness.
Remember, if you hit me for eight
and I can't resist it, I will die.
No, no, no.
They're attacking because you're basically dying.
So they just basically knock you out
with the boots of their feet.
Good.
So we are out of the combat now.
The two of you are.
This is the first time this has happened.
Yes, correct.
And then these orcs that are surrounding Captain Zedek
are going to go at him with choppers.
Captain Zedek will sidestep and hope to tank it.
Okay.
I round up because that's apparently a thing you do
with these, which is fun.
It fails.
Oh, I only.
Yeah.
They miss you with all of their many choppers.
However, I believe that is like the end of your actions
for this turn.
So I'm just going to do the rest of the stuff I have.
So that's those orcs.
This knob is going to charge over to Pybrain.
Hi, how are you?
There he is.
And he's going to get.
So we'll see how this goes.
I don't know why it's doing like a billion, but whatever.
I'm going to miss you, sadly.
Because, yeah, I would create you, but I miss.
So it doesn't matter.
Yeah.
And then these guys are going to just like rush on up here.
They'll come here.
These guys will go there.
These guys will just rush over here.
Mech boss Mondo will go to get a better vantage point of this.
And then this guy will.
He's just like, I'm here.
OK, next combat round.
Who wants to go?
I would like to go as, you know, Graca.
OK, yeah, absolutely.
If you like to go.
All right.
So at this point, I think this is a lost cause.
For us, we might be best off trying to make some kind of tactical retreat.
Oh, I think we're a bit late on that front.
Yeah, buddy.
We're we're kind of surrounded.
You have two dudes down.
No, you ain't getting out.
You got to hurl us off the cliff.
You have a great idea.
I'm going to get out of Warren and read.
Yeah, and I think I'm going to make a mad dash for the end of the cliff.
Yeah, absolutely.
I'll grab us.
I can't quite grab Zedek because he's not in range and I'll try to get over here.
OK, I'm going to attack of opportunity with Graca.
So go back there for a second.
It's like, let's go get a bonus dice on this.
Here we go.
Oh, boy, I guess he does, you know, with that is nine and then we'll
well, that will knock you down, I assume, because it'll be so AP three.
You need to shift three as well.
Shift shoe because three.
No, no, no, no, no.
Don't ignore that.
I didn't put his correct defense in there because it should be higher.
So it's only going to be it's only going to be able to shift two from that anyway.
So actually just one from that.
So it's only going to be damaged.
16 AP.
You said that he was exhausted.
Is that going to add anything to his difficulty number?
Yeah.
So I won't be able to shift.
That's right.
So 15 AP three.
All righty.
Then why not for my full shock, which is nice.
So potentially, I actually think it might.
I think I'm probably OK.
OK, well, let's find out.
We will see what happens this time.
I Dragon Ball Z success.
Three three three successes.
Oh, it's not so good.
But nevertheless, this is the six count is two or just one counts as two.
OK, so what's your what's your what's your resilience is nine.
I think all calcs done.
I have exactly one wound left.
And no shock.
So.
Can I can I describe this one Thursday?
Of course, he reaches the power claw and grabs pie with a.
True.
And then he spikes him on the ground.
All right.
So I did get hit.
Does that mean that I can't move or can I keep going?
You can you can definitely move up, but then if we fall,
I don't really have any breath.
Let me.
If I can help you out here, this all depends because this is an optional
role on on page one hundred ninety four called Inglorious Retreat.
Yes, the going gets tough.
The tough gets going sometimes away from the fight as quickly as possible.
If you and your group fear for your lives and you all agree, you may ingloriously
retreat from combat to a place of safety, provided the game master agrees.
It is narrowly narratively appropriate.
Each of you immediately move to another location where your lives are not
threatened at the game master's discretion.
Each conscious character making an inglorious retreat can carry.
One dying character to safety.
Oh, there's two of them.
How fortunate.
You ingloriously retreat.
You sacrifice your entire glory pool.
If there is no glory in the pool, you may still perform a glorious retreat.
But the game master gains ruin equal to the number of players.
Oh, we can just do that.
So here's here's how it's going to work, because because I'm going to let you do
your retreat off the cliff from these orcs.
I'm going to let Zedek and and Pybrain escape.
However, you're not going to metagame win.
There will be consequences for this, mostly that next session.
I'll start with a completely full rune pool.
I'm OK with that.
Hey, sweet.
OK, so Pybrain, you managed to grab a companion and like steal a lot of the attacks
from the boys as Zedek is able to pick up Reeb and like rush to the edge of this cliff.
Indeed.
And and looking down.
Into the the water far below your only chance as the orcs are like chanting and you hear
Mech Boss Mondo up on top of the cliff, raising up his mechanical limbs and like some tribal
victory over you and the other boys all chanting, whoa, whoa, whoa.
And then you jump.
And that's where we're going to end today's session.
Oh, so they went over the cliff.
Hooray.
Thanks, everybody.
Yay.
Good boy.
Good boy.
Oh, shit.
We're getting wrecked.
And jumping from the rocks, you can see an inquisitorial acolyte played by Erndil named
Reb Van Horn jumping from the thing.
Yes, my name is Erndil.
I play Reb Van Horn and I can be met at Twitter at Erndilio.
We'll see what happens next time.
Probably nothing good.
And holding on to Lorne the Sanction Sacker, the Skitai ranger bathed in red, Speaker
D playing Tarbrane.
I am Speaker D. Yes, and you can find me on the Twitter zone at SuperSnakeKick.
Indeed.
And Camton.
And Camton.
And Camton.
And Camton.
Correct.
That's just a connection, Zedek.
No longer owner of the debt-collector, with Reb on his shoulder, played by Hulkikro.
That's me.
I'm Hulkikro.
You can find me at Hulkikro on Twitter.
And now in the official Warhamms Community Discord, which is now set up, I believe.
Is there some kind of link in the description or somewhere where you can find it quite easily?
I'll need to fix that.
I forgot to plug it.
I'll put a link in chat.
Yes.
I need to go to the website and everything.
Yeah, point being, we have a whole
new separate Discord now for
all the Warhams, both Fantasy and
40k. You can go in there, interact
with other fans, ourselves. We'll be doing
plenty of community events to come.
Now it's its own self-contained space,
so you can ping us at your leisure.
Well, you can ping me. Don't
spam ping Zordon.
Ping us. We will be
talking about the ping us.
Look forward to seeing you there.
And with that,
the one, the Orc
Wog itself, the
Glorious Game Master, Thurston Hillman.
Wage. I was so
glad that you finally read that
Inglourious Retreat rule. I'd been
hoping. I'd been hoping. But yes,
hello, I
Thurston Hillman. On-call GM on all
the things. You can find me on all the things.
Come hang out in the Discord. I'm trying to hang
out there more. Come from next
week where we have Warhams Fantasy Edition.
Come for the week after where we have whatever
the heck the continuation of this
is. Trust me, you're not going to believe
where we're going after this.
Okay, that's all I got. I love all your faces.
Next week, Warhams Fantasy.
Be sure to go to warhams.tv
for our schedule and all that
fun stuff. So with that, everybody, say goodbye
as we head off to
Ducreds.
Goodbye, Ducreds. Farewell.
Goodbye. I love you. Bye.
Farewell.
Farewell.
Ducreds.
Ducreds.
Ducreds.
Ducreds.
Ducreds.
Ducreds.
Warhams.
Thanks for watching!