004 Plumbing Problems

In "PLUMBING PROBLEMS," Helen, a woman in her late 40s in a modest New Jersey town, is having a bad day. 
After a sink clogs, she calls a plumber, Jim, who once worked on her house. Jim soon discovers a bigger problem than a clogged drain : Helen's life is a bit of a mess after a recent split from her husband. As Jim gets to work on the plumbing, the two find themselves in a playful, double-entendre-filled conversation about their lives, relationships, and the "tools" they use to get the job done!

"Plumbing Problems" is a comedic and subtly suggestive podcast episode that follows Helen, a recently separated woman in her late 40s, whose mundane cleaning day is interrupted by a clogged kitchen sink. A plumber named Jim arrives, and as he works to clear the drain, their conversation quickly shifts from plumbing issues to the deeper themes of loneliness, aging, and unspoken desires. Through playful innuendoes related to plumbing tools and "snakes," Helen and Jim explore their mutual feelings of invisibility and isolation, particularly concerning their romantic lives. The episode culminates in a humorous and hopeful suggestion of a new connection, as they agree to "make this happen"

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Plumbing Problems
by
Rick Regan
2/25/25
Rick Regan
[e-mail]
919-218-8834INT. HELEN’S HOUSE - DAY
HELEN lives in a modest house in a modest neighborhood,
in a modest town in New Jersey. The house is a split
level with a small yard in front and in back. The houses
on all sides are all from the same early 1960s style.
Helen is in her late 40s, trim and active. Today is
cleaning day, so she is vacuuming the rug in the main
living room. CHARLIE, the cat, hurries to the top of the
China cabinet and watches from above. She drives the
noisy machine around and then finishes, putting the
machine to the side. Now is when she mops the kitchen
floor. She mops and squeezes out the water in the bucket,
mopping again. When she is done she picks up the bucket
to dump the dirty water into the kitchen sink.
HELEN
Well that’s done.
She watches as the water goes into the sink but does not
drain.
HELEN
Come on, come on! Don’t do this to
me.
She watches but nothing happens. Frustrated, she picks up
the phone and dials a plumber.
HELEN
(into phone)
Hi, yes. This is Helen Rafferty in
Vineland. I have a backup, in my
sink. Can you send somebody?
(listens)
OK. You should have my address, on
account.
(listens)
That’s right. Alright. Thank you.
She puts down the phone and looks at the sink. Charlie
looks on from the other room.
HELEN
Charlie, it looks like it’s just
one of those days. Come on.
She waves to the cat, who jumps down, and she opens the
back door and goes out, the cat following.2.
EXT. HELEN’S BACKYARD - CONTINUOUS
Helen pulls a garden chair up next to an outside table,
with a glass top and an umbrella. She sits and lights a
cigarette. The ashtray is already on the table. She sits
in the sun, relaxing in the mid-morning rays.
HELEN
Charlie, you know, I didn’t want
it to be like this. You know that,
right? I wanted us to all be
together.
Charlie looks at her but dashes away when she exhales the
smoke.
Helen relaxes and waits, until the sound of a plumbing
van arrives, crunching up the driveway. Helen gets up,
rubs out the cigarette, and goes around to greet the
plumber.
JIM, the plumber, climbs out of his truck, seeing Helen.
JIM
Morning, ma’am. What’s the
trouble?
HELEN
I’ve got a clog. In the sink.
JIM
OK. Let me get my tools.
Jim opens the side of the van and extracts a toolbox.
HELEN
This way.
JIM
You by yourself today?
HELEN
Yeah. Why?
INT. HELEN'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
They walk inside, Jim following. She directs him to the
sink.
JIM
It’s just, I remember, working on
this house. It was a while ago.
3.
HELEN
Yeah, we put in a new shower down
the hall.
JIM
You had any trouble with it? Work
pretty good?
HELEN
Yeah, fine. But today, I’m
mopping, you know, and it won’t
drain. I don’t know what it is.
JIM
Probably just build up. I’ll take
a look.
Jim sets out a mat on the floor in front of the sink,
puts on rubber gloves and looks at the sink.
HELEN
Will this take long?
JIM
Maybe an hour. You gotta go
someplace?
HELEN
No. I’ve got no place to go.
JIM
Somebody coming over?
HELEN
No. Nobody coming over.
Jim starts using a plunger on the drain, gently but
firmly pushing the water.
JIM
Your husband at work today?
HELEN
Yeah, probably.
JIM
You don’t know?
HELEN
We split up.
JIM
That’s rough. Somebody else?
4.
HELEN
He never said. Just said he wanted
out.
JIM
But you got the house.
HELEN
It’s not official, like legal. We
just split up. The girls are gone
from college now so, you know, we
don’t fight about custody.
Jim looks down at the drain. The plunging isn’t working.
HELEN
A problem?
JIM
I gotta snake it. It must be
further down.
HELEN
Snake it. That’s a funny word.
Jim gets the smaller drain snake out and starts to feed
it into the drain.
JIM
This will only go under the house.
If it’s in the yard, I’ve got to
get the big one.
HELEN
You’ve got a big snake?
Jim looks at her sideways.
JIM
I’ve got all the tools to get the
job done.
HELEN
I bet you see all kinds of things,
going into peoples’ houses.
JIM
It gets pretty personal. Can get
real hands-on, if you know what I
mean.
5.
HELEN
Sounds like it can get pretty
dirty sometimes. I bet you’ve seen
some really nasty things.
JIM
(looks at her)
Sometimes, when it’s a tight fit,
I’ve got to really jam it, put my
back into it. Sometimes I get done
and regret it, but I’m in it to
get the job done. Know what I
mean?
HELEN
How’s it going? Getting that snake
stretched out?
JIM
A lot of times, like this, when
the pipes are a little older, I
gotta get way down in there, get
deep, before I hit the spot.
HELEN
Oh, and newer pipes, they work
easier?
JIM
Usually a lot less complicated.
Just straight snaking. Almost too
easy.
HELEN
So you like a challenge?
JIM
Hey, nobody likes to get bored.
Are you bored?
HELEN
Not when I look at you.
JIM
Not much to look at, a man
handling a drain snake.
HELEN
Unless you’re a woman who needs
her drain snaked. I’m glad you’re
here.
6.
JIM
(adjusting the snake)
Got it! That’s it. Just give it a
good shake.
Jim jams the snake back and forth in the drain. The water
in the sink starts to do down the drain.
HELEN
Good work.
Jim starts to reel up the metal drain snake.
JIM
You have any other problem areas
you’d like me to look at?
HELEN
Well, I’m not pleased with my
chin.
JIM
I’m not a doctor but I can take a
look.
HELEN
Ha! Funny.
JIM
You seem like a nice lady. You
lonely?
HELEN
Long story.
JIM
Can I bum a smoke?
HELEN
Sure. We’ll sit out back.
Helen walks out the back of the kitchen again. Jim
watches her go out the door.
Jim finishes getting the tools together and tests the
drain, washing his hands.
EXT. HELEN'S BACKYARD - CONTINUOUS
Helen is sitting in the chair, soaking up the sun.
7.
Jim comes out and pulls up a chair at the table,
relaxing. Helen pulls out a cigarette for each of them
and they light them.
JIM
Get a tan out here.
HELEN
I like the sun.
JIM
You ever do it, you know, nude?
HELEN
Ha! No. I can see it now, “Old
woman arrested for flashing, in
her backyard.”
JIM
I bet you’d look good. You have a
bikini? I can see you in a striped
bikini.
HELEN
Heh! You can, huh? You and your
big-snake?
JIM
Just admire the female form,
that’s all. What about you?
HELEN
Admire the female form? Yeah, from
a distance.
JIM
So tell me the long story. Why are
you here by yourself?
HELEN
Oh, you know. Standard stuff.
Married, kids, house in the
neighborhood. Husband gets to
middle-age and gets bored with the
wife, the life. He took an
apartment, down the shore.
JIM
You got somebody else?
HELEN
Just me and Charlie.
8.
JIM
(looking around)
Charlie?
HELEN
My cat. Sir Charles Whiskers
JIM
Right. You work then?
HELEN
Who’s going to hire some old lady?
You need a new plumber? How come
there are no women plumbers? It’s
always men.
JIM
There are women plumbers. But
would you have been happier if a
chick showed up today?
HELEN
Not if she was going to show me
her big snake!
JIM
Ha! I guess.
HELEN
Listen, my husband is gone. My
girls are gone. I’m forty-seven
now. Nobody is going to hire me.
And I’m invisible now. It’s
like...ah, you men don’t know.
JIM
Know what?
HELEN
A woman gets to a certain age,
like walking down a street, you
know, you get down to the end of
the block, and when you cross the
street, nobody notices. On one
side of the street, the guys are
all saying, “Hey, hey, baby, you
busy? You going someplace?” And
then, suddenly, nobody even looks
up. But you can’t go back.
JIM
The world’s not fair.
9.
HELEN
You think it’s never going to end.
When you are younger, you think,
ugh, the annoyance, the
harassment. Always with the comeon’s and cat-calls. And now, I’m
just an old woman who lives in a
shoe.
JIM
It’s not easy for guys too, you
know.
HELEN
Save it. Cry me a river.
JIM
No, I mean it. A fellow says hello
to a gal, and she huffs and turns
away. You ask a girl out and you
get nothing. Over and over. I
mean, it hurts. You think there
are a lot of women that want to be
with a plumber?
HELEN
Try me.
JIM
Try you, huh? Nah, I’ve been down
this road. A bored housewife clogs
up the drain because she wants to
flirt with the plumber. But they
never look at me, see me. You
know? Who am I?
HELEN
A guy with a big snake.
JIM
(laughs)
Yeah, that’s true. That’s true.
But I’ve been invisible my whole
life. I never got the attention
like you talk about. Never.
HELEN
I guess that’s sad. Are you
lonely?
JIM
I’m sitting here with you, aren’t
I?
10.
HELEN
Hmmm. Well, maybe...if you’ve got
time, you could help me with
something that could use some
attention.
JIM
If you think I’m that cheap and
easy, you’re right.
HELEN
Maybe, if we work it out, you can
stop by, between jobs some days.
Unless the other bored housewives
are hogging you up too much.
JIM
Let’s see how it goes.
HELEN
Follow me.
JIM
It’s just...it’s been a while. I
don’t want to get your hopes up.
Maybe it’s not a good idea.
HELEN
Yeah, well, been a while for me
too. Probably longer. I mean, if
you think I’m ugly...
JIM
No, no! You’re a good looking
lady. I mean, I’ll try, if you
try.
HELEN
It’s a sunny day. I bet we can
make this happen. I trust you.
JIM
Show me the way.
HELEN
Come on. Show me that big snake.
They go into the house.
END.