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Kamini Wood works with high achievers on letting go of stress, overwhelm and anxiety that comes with trying to do everything, and trying to do it all perfectly
Voiceover: [00:00:00] Rise Up Live, Joy Your Way from emotional intelligence through cognitive distortions, certified life and wellness. Coach Kamini Wood is on a mission to help people see the magnificence of their own unique human spirit. Through these small bites of self visualization and self-confidence, you can have healthy relationships, success in business and career, and live the life you want to live, Rise Up Live, Joy Your Way.
Kamini Wood: Hi there, and welcome to another episode of Rise Up Live, Joy Your Way, whether it's morning, afternoon, or evening. Thank you for taking some time outta your day to hang out here with me. Now I wanna talk about something I want to bring to light. When you know, you might be thinking to yourself, Hey, I'm low maintenance, but I wanna say something to those individuals who say that there wasn't maintenance.
I just wanna gently challenge it. Because sometimes we are low maintenance. I give you that, but sometimes it's because we have learned [00:01:00] not to have any needs. So I'm saying that with loving kindness, right? Because sometimes we are low maintenance and things, but sometimes it's because we've actually just.
Leaned into this idea that I don't, I don't need to have any needs. Um, because I really do hear this all the time, especially in my client sessions. It's like, no, I, I don't need much. I'm good with whatever. And usually it's said like it's a strength. Like, hey, it makes me easier to be around and, you know, I'm easier to love and easier to have, be in a relationship with.
But underneath, often there's something else happening. Because being flexible and being adaptable, now that's not a problem. But not having access to your needs, that's a different story. That's something that we might wanna have a conversation about, something worth paying attention to, because there's a difference between, I don't have a preference on something because the truth is sometimes we really don't have a preference and.
I stopped checking in with myself a long time ago. So how does this pattern even start? You know, I don't think we wake up one day and just decide I'm not gonna have any needs today. It's [00:02:00] something that happens over time. We learn it through experience or messages that we've received. Usually the environments are where needs feel like they're too much.
Sometimes they're inconvenient. They feel like the message we receive, um, we internalize it as we're being a burden or sometimes our needs when they're spoken. It leads to tension and conflict, um, and maybe expressing what you felt. Was met with dismissal or some animosity, or maybe there was guilt or silence, um, or maybe he just got ignored.
So over time you just learn to adapt and you became the easy one. You became the agreeable one, um, the one who doesn't ask for very much because your nervous system learned that that was safer. And so now it may show up in subtle ways someone might ask. You what you wanna do, and you say, I don't really care.
Whatever works. Even if you do have a preference, you feel something's off, but you just tell yourself, oh, no, no, no, it's fine, it's fine. Um, you go along with plans, right? You go along with decisions, you go along with dynamics, and then later you start to feel a little resentful, maybe a little disconnected, maybe a little off.
But in the [00:03:00] moment that somebody's asking you something, you, you don't really check with yourself, right? There's this automatic whatever. It's fine. It doesn't even occur to you to check in with yourself to the athlete. What is it that I really want here? Because a lot of people who identify with those types of behaviors, they really do also identify with this concept of being low maintenance.
Um, and what's actually happening is in split seconds you have learned to read the room, adjust, anticipate. Making sure everything stays smooth, making sure people are comfortable, making sure nothing gets too tense. So from the outside you look like you are super pal. Like you, you are just easygoing.
Whatever happens, happens. But internally, there's a lot of effort happening and there is a hidden cost to that, right? Because this part of you that doesn't get to ever speak up, um. The part that is stays in that low maintenance place, it really, um, contributes to this disconnection with self, right? It's you disconnect to what you actually [00:04:00] want, what you desire, what you need, what actually feels good to you.
And over time, this disconnection makes it harder for you to speak up or to set boundaries or to just make. Everyday decisions. And the big one is you start to lose trust in yourself. Not because you, uh, are doing this intentionally, but because this is actually the safer way that you've learned to operate.
And this really does connect to other things, right? Because it's not just about preferences, it ties into, um, everything. That, you know, we, we do and we talk about, right? If you don't feel safe having needs, you don't feel safe speaking up of what you like and what you don't like, you end up overextending yourself.
Um, you overextend yourself to have that sense of value. You overexplain because you need. You have this intense need to feel understood and you shape shift to, to stay accepted, and so you become this version that fits the environment that you're in instead of the version that actually feels aligned with yourself.
So, you know, just maybe take a pause for a second. When was [00:05:00] the last time you asked yourself? What is it that I need right now? Not what's the easiest thing in this situation or what would avoid any tension, um, or not what works for everybody else in the room, but what is it that I need, what's true for me?
And just really. Listen and see what the answer is that comes up and does it feel uncomfortable to even potentially listen to that? Because what happens, um, usually is even if you do recognize a need, there's often this second layer where the voice says, no, no, no, that's too much. Or Really, this isn't a big deal this time, you know, I'm just gonna let it go.
So you override it and you just keep pushing through. And that's usually how the pattern continues. So this doesn't start, you know, when we're trying to shift out of it, you know, we're not trying to make big declarations. We don't go from, okay, I've never, I don't really ever express my needs to, here is everything I need and expect from, you know, all these people.
'cause that's not how this works. You know, transformation itself, I mean, sure, we could try that, but how long is [00:06:00] that gonna actually last? Instead, it's about the starting with. Small shifts. And I, and I go back to, we have to become aware of what the pattern is first. Right? We've gotta notice, um, notice. Okay.
Do I have a preference here when somebody asks us a question, just starting with that question, and PO really what it is, is it's inviting a pause, it's inviting a slowdown, and really checking in. Do I have a preference here? You know, um. Uh, recognizing, okay, I actually don't really want that. Um, I want, I actually want something different and letting that be valid.
You know, so the first time we do this, we may notice it and still not say anything. But then it's about building the muscle, of noticing it and now putting words to it. Uh, because the goal here isn't to become somehow demanding. All of a sudden we're not. We're not talking about that. We're not trying to pendulum swing either.
It's about reconnection to self. It's about realigning with your own needs and then learning how to communicate them and realigning with that part of your voice, you know, what feels good, what doesn't, what [00:07:00] matters, um, what's important. Those parts haven't gone anywhere. It's just been that they've been quieted for so long that we've just lost a little bit of connection to it.
And it's really important to remember, you do get to have needs. You get to take up space, you get to have preferences. You're allowed to not be the easiest person in the room, right? That doesn't make you difficult. It just makes you human who has your own desires and needs, and it's not, so maybe the goal isn't to be low maintenance.
Maybe the goal isn't to be the. You know, most easygoing person in the world, in the room. Um, it's about being who you really are and really, truly authentically connecting to the other people in your life. If you'd like to chat with me about how coaching could help you move from where you are to where you might wanna be and where you wanna go, whether personally or professionally, feel free to book a time to chat with me anytime at coachwithkamini.com, and until next time, stay well.
Voiceover: Thank you for listening to Rise Up Live Joy Your Way. For more [00:08:00] information, Book a chat with Kamini at www.chatwithKamini.com, or visit her website at www.kaminiwood.com. You can also find Kamini on Facebook or Instagram username, it's authentic me. Thank you for listening!