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A Shovavim series learning a Torah approach to shmiras einayim and shmiras habris, with practical tools and perspectives.
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A period of time in Jewish tradition called the שובבים,
the שובבים stands for the פרשיות that we're in now:
שמות,
וארא,
בא,
בשלח,
יתרו,
etc.,
and it's the פרשיות where we speak about עם ישראל leaving מצרים.
And the sources teach us that in the same way as there's a historical
leaving Egypt in the Jewish nation at this time,
there's also an individual and a personal leaving the צר,
leaving a difficult,
challenging place that takes place in this time.
And therefore,
these weeks are designated in Jewish tradition for speaking about and strengthening the areas
of being in ערות הארץ,
which מצרים is referred to,
being in a place which is a challenging place from an ערוה perspective.
And we're going to have eight weeks,
the eight weeks of the שובבים,
where we're going to discuss practical skills and tools and mindsets which will help,
can give help for the individuals and give them help to help other people
as well,
on how to be strong in this area.
So it's going to be an eight-part series.
Today is going to be the first one.
It's a surprise each week when exactly it's going to be,
so stay tuned as to the exact time and place and the and date,
day for each one.
But I want to start off today more more by way of introduction to
discuss two topics.
The two things we're going to speak about today are the very fact we're
speaking about this topic and how the the יצר of עריות,
the desire that a man has towards a woman,
is something which is very natural and very healthy.
That's the two thoughts we're going to speak about today.
So part number one is:
Is it even appropriate to speak about?
Like,
is it something that we should be doing or we shouldn't be doing?
Is it appropriate?
Is it inappropriate?
And there's a big debate amongst the חינוך world about this,
and some מחנכים are very uncomfortable with speaking about it,
and they feel that it's not their place and it's only going to cause
more damage.
And if if you don't speak about it,
it doesn't exist,
in a way.
Why should you put it in the minds of people?
And that's similar to the mindset of an ostrich that puts his head in
the sand,
and if you don't see it,
it doesn't exist.
It's irrelevant if you don't see it.
It's something which is very much a present force.
But maybe it's the מחנכים themselves are uncomfortable to speak about it because they're
worried that if they don't do a good job,
they could do more damage,
which could be true.
And therefore they're hesitant to be open and and talk about this topic.
And often you have parents who don't want to speak about it because they're
relying on the schools or they're relying on the רביים,
and you have the רביים who aren't speaking about it because they're thinking,
well,
it's really the job of the father to speak about,
and then and then the kid is left in between,
and he doesn't hear a clear תורה approach to how to relate to this
topic in its entirety.
אם החרש תחרישי בעת הזאת,
says the רבי.
אם החרש תחרישי בעת הזאת,
says the father.
רוח והצלה יעמוד ליהודים ממקום אחר.
I'm not going to speak about it,
but don't worry,
I'm sure my kid will hear about it from somewhere else.
I'm sure there'll be someone good somewhere who will tell my kid what what
it is.
But then מרדכי comes to אסתר and says:
ומי יודע אם לעת כזאת הגעת למלכות?
Maybe if you're the father of this child,
maybe if you're a רבי in this place,
then this is your role and this is your responsibility that you need to
speak about it.
So I want to start off just with a תורה source showing how that
not only is it allowed to speak about,
but it's actually a חיוב דאורייתא from a פסוק to speak about.
This is quite shocking until you've seen the source inside,
how clear it is.
I just wanted to say in brackets that if anyone wants to see all
the sources that we're we're learning,
then there's a Sefaria page called וטהר לבנו,
which has all the sources that we're going to be quoting on in order.
So if you want to see the sources inside yourself,
then they're all there.
You can you can see them there.
Maybe later I'll send a link to it that it's easy easier to access.
So the פסוק in ויקרא ט"ו,
פסוק א' and ב' says a language which is unusual and doesn't appear anywhere
else in the entire תורה.
It says:
וידבר ה' אל משה ואל אהרן לאמר דברו אל בני ישראל ואמרתם אלהם.
That language doesn't appear anywhere else in the תורה.
Usually it says,
usually it says:
דברו אל בני ישראל לאמר.
That it usually That often,
often says.
But the language of דברו אל בני ישראל ואמרתם אלהם,
that doesn't say anywhere else.
And the העמק דבר,
ויקרא ט"ו,
פסוק ב',
he explains this unique language,
and he says like this:
The way of מסורה was that משה רבינו would hear from Hashem,
he would then teach to אהרן,
And then there was another two stages,
and then eventually משה would then teach it to all of עם ישראל,
and then אהרן would repeat it all to עם ישראל.
So it wasn't only משה teaching,
it was אהרן teaching it,
too.
Now,
the פרשה here is talking about זיבה,
זרע לבטלה,
that's the topic it's speaking about over here.
It's a very sensitive topic.
Some people are uncomfortable to speak about it.
Maybe you have to teach the הלכות,
because there's הלכה,
you need to know what to do,
but it's not a good thing to speak about in general.
It's a thing which could cause people to have thoughts,
it would arouse people to inappropriate things,
and maybe it's not a good thing to speak about.
So maybe משה has to teach it,
that's true,
because he has it has to be taught the הלכה,
but אהרן shouldn't repeat it.
It shouldn't be spoken about again.
You taught it once,
that's enough,
you did your job,
finished.
Says the העמק דבר,
the reason for the language דברו אל בני ישראל ואמרתם אלהם in plural,
is to teach you that not only should משה teach,
but אהרן should repeat.
Ah,
but what about the fact that you're worried that it's going to cause these
inappropriate thoughts?
And this is what he says,
this is his language:
גם אהרן ילמוד עם בני ישראל אחר שכבר למד משה בסדר המשנה כמנהגו.
אהרן should repeat it,
even though משה has already taught it.
והוא הדין לכל רב לתלמידיו,
and so too every רבי should learn with his תלמידים,
משום שבאמת בלימוד תורה אין יוצא דבר רע.
There will be no bad that will come out of doing it in a
תורה way.
So let's say a boy grows up not having heard this from his רבי,
so where's he going to hear about these topics from?
He's going to find inappropriate alternative sources where he's going to hear about it
from.
So look at the two options.
Either a teenager is learning about these topics undercover,
in an inappropriate way,
and then the whole topic is something which is taboo,
not to be spoken about,
and he's finding out about it from inappropriate sources,
and then he's feeling guilty,
and then he's feeling upset that he's feeling guilty and he's doing these things
that he shouldn't be doing,
and he doesn't even know what the תורה has to say about them,
and it creates a big חילול השם.
But if the רבי is teaching it,
and he understands from a תורה perspective,
then he can say,
okay,
this is something which is normal,
this is something which the תורה has what to say about,
and I know how to relate to it because I understand from a תורה
perspective.
And I just want to elaborate on that point one one step more.
And this is something which really pains me,
this topic.
If this isn't spoken about,
and people don't have תורה sources to understand the topic of how to relate
to זרע לבטלה and all the desires that they have and the whole topic
isn't spoken about,
then what happens?
You go to the בית מדרש and you're learning.
You're learning a סוגיא in סנהדרין.
You're learning a סוגיא of רוב,
let's say.
עדים זוממין,
let's say.
Let's say you're learning פלגינן דיבורא.
You're learning a סוגיא.
Now that סוגיא,
how relevant is that סוגיא to your life?
It's not so relevant,
but it's תורה,
so you're learning it.
Okay,
next סדר,
you're learning a new סוגיא.
How relevant is that סוגיא to us?
It's the will of Hashem,
well who cares if it's relevant or it's not relevant.
It's this is what הקדוש ברוך הוא wants me to do,
which is true.
Okay.
Now you know what's on my mind kind of behind the scenes?
I'm struggling with something,
says the boy in the ישיבה.
I'm struggling with an issue.
This is really bothering me.
This is on my mind every evening.
It's on my mind again in the morning.
It's even on my mind throughout the day.
And then I come and learn something in in the גמרא which I don't
see how it's relevant to my life on a day-to-day basis.
And what's really relevant to me,
and what I'm really struggling with,
the תורה is not talking about that.
So look what happens how a person views תורה.
The תורה speaks about things that aren't relevant to me,
and when there's something that's I'm struggling with and it's bothering me and it's
upsetting me and frustrating me,
that the תורה doesn't have anything to say about.
So you know what?
The תורה is irrelevant.
The תורה is not a place where I'll go to to see how to
deal with my struggles.
And that's why it's tragic if this topic isn't addressed from a תורה perspective,
because then people view תורה as irrelevant to them.
And that's why it's so essential to talk about.
And every year when we talk about it around שובבים time,
I ask myself,
why don't we speak about it more?
Why don't we speak about it the whole year?
And maybe there would be value in speaking about it the whole year,
but I'm also scared.
I'm honestly scared that if it's something which will talk about all the time,
too much,
too much,
too much,
too much,
then it could be what people are scared of,
that it would then like create more thoughts and it would create more desires
and it would create more like,
are you talking about that again?
Okay,
like I have an issue then.
So I think it's a healthy balance.
Maybe I should speak about it earlier in the year,
but I don't know.
שובבים is שובבים,
that's what it is,
so that's when we talk about it.
But at least to give proper attention,
and give clear sources and clear guidance from a תורה perspective on this topic,
and then an open invitation.
And that's going to be a big takeaway which I'm going to say every
time.
All we're going to be learning now,
which is going to be very helpful,
is only a opening for having a personal conversation,
finding someone who you trust,
finding someone you feel comfortable with,
because the ideas here can be helpful,
but they don't compare to when you're open with someone and you discuss the
struggles that you're having and then you're able to then take it the step
forward.
So there's an open invitation if anyone would like to speak to me,
to any of their רבעים,
to their parents,
to a sibling,
to a anyone you feel comfortable with,
find that person and take these ideas to the next step.
That was the opening,
why some people are scared to talk about it,
and just showing from a very clear תורה perspective that it's crucial to speak
about it.
Now,
the main thing I wanted to speak about today was how normal this is
and how natural it is,
and I want to try and demystify the topic.
But I'm also scared to do that a little bit,
because I don't want to come away with the conclusion that it's fine,
it's fine,
don't worry,
it's normal,
you do it,
everyone does it.
רב וולבה says,
רוב רובם,
the vast majority of teenagers struggle with this topic.
"Oh great,
I'm normal,
that's fine,
ברוך השם,
so I don't have to work on it."
So we have to be very careful and walk on a very tightrope,
it's very narrow,
this tightrope.
We're going to be saying on the one hand,
it's extremely normal and almost everyone struggles with it,
and it's natural,
and don't worry.
It's not exceptional what's happening.
On the other hand,
that's not okay.
That's not a permission.
There's no היתר.
There's no support to continue doing.
That's that's a tightrope we're going to balance now as we're going to continue
speaking.
So let's start.
There's a גמרא in יומא,
which talks about the Jews who came back,
שיבת ציון,
נחמיה,
עזרא,
they returned back after being in גלות for 70 years,
and they entered ירושלים,
and they felt they had a desire for עבודה זרה.
This can't be happening again!
This can't be happening again!
יומא דף ס״ט.
This can't be happening again that we're going to do this again!
The בית המקדש was destroyed,
ירושלים was destroyed,
the צדיקים were killed,
and the rest of the Jews were exiled,
and we're back in the same place with the יצר הרע of עבודה זרה,
and we're struggling with it again?
This can't be happening again!
A message came from שמים with a note,
this is in the גמרא,
that said אמת.
And this is the source we learned that the חותמו של הקדוש ברוך הוא
was אמת.
Hashem agreed with them.
"You're right,
it can't happen again."
They fasted and they דאווענט for three days,
similar to אסתר like we spoke about at the beginning,
three days they were fasting,
and הקדוש ברוך הוא handed them over the יצר הרע of עבודה זרה.
He handed it over to them.
They placed it in an iron box,
and they destroyed,
and that's why today we know about עבודה זרה,
we know the concept,
but it's not a passion,
it's not a desire.
A man has desire for a woman,
it's illogical,
he just feels it,
he just feels drawn,
he feels a משיכה.
A man doesn't feel a passion for Buddha.
It's something which he can look at,
he can see,
but he doesn't feel this "I have to be there,
I have to bow down."
We don't have that passion since that day in the time of נחמיה when
they destroyed the passion for עבודה זרה.
It was a big loss as well,
because we also lost our passion for Hashem.
The same way we didn't have the passion for עבודה זרה,
we lost the ability to have נבואה and that great desire that we had
for הקדוש ברוך הוא.
So it was a loss,
but we were willing to take it,
because it meant that we could continue and not fall in the same way
as we fell the first time.
The Jewish people were on a high!
We did it!
We destroyed the עבודה זרה יצר הרע!
Don't stop now,
we're on a roll!
Let's destroy the יצר הרע for עריות as well.
הואיל ועת רצון הוא ניבעי רחמי איצרא דעבירה.
Now that it's a time where Hashem is showing us He loves us,
He's with us,
let's דאווען for that too!
They דאווענט and they destroyed—they paused,
should I say,
the יצר הרע for עריות.
Quickly they paused and they said,
"One second,
don't kill it yet,
let's see what happens."
They waited three days,
and they waited one day—they waited three days,
תלתא יומי,
and they looked for an egg,
and there was no eggs to be found in the land of Israel that
were a day old,
because when you destroy the יצר הרע for עריות,
it's not just the negative aspect of עריות that you destroy,
you destroy the desire for life!
בכל ארץ ישראל there was no more eggs,
even animals.
היכי נעביד?
What are we going to do?
If we kill it,
we'll destroy the world.
We can't go halfway.
They blinded it,
which חז״ל tell us means that it used to be there was the same
level of desire for one's sister as there was for another woman,
and the blinding that they did took away that passion.
There used to be the same passion for one's mother,
and that was taken away.
What I want to take out of this גמרא,
which I think is the crucial לימוד The desire that a man has for
a woman is normal,
and it's healthy.
It's so healthy that there was once a boy who came to רב אליה
לופיאן,
and he said,
"רבי,
I have a problem:
I don't have a desire.
I just don't I don't I don't It's not a problem,
I just don't struggle with it."
The רבי said,
"We're talking about the שובבים.
You must come to the שיעור."
He said,
"I don't need to come to the שיעור,
I don't struggle with it."
"You don't struggle with it?"
"I don't struggle with that."
"What's your Hebrew name?"
Writes down his Hebrew...
"What's your mother's name?
Okay,
I'm going to דאווען for you.
You don't struggle with that?
That's not normal.
That's not normal."
The healthy desire is that a boy is interested in a girl.
The healthy desire is that a man has a desire to bring זרע.
The healthy desire which will be expressed in a holy way is what that
a man wants to have the passion for עריות.
Not to express it in an in an unhealthy way.
Not to express it in a way which is against the הלכה.
But it's a healthy passion.
So where does it go wrong?
Where does it go wrong?
It goes wrong in how you define it.
If you define it openly and clearly,
הקדוש ברוך הוא wants the world to procreate.
הקדוש ברוך הוא gave us the hormones,
that in the same way as He desires the world to procreate,
we will desire to procreate.
That's what it is,
beginning,
middle,
and end.
Then it will be normal and healthy.
When you're teaching children about this topic,
it shouldn't be taboo,
it shouldn't be something that you hush up,
and it also shouldn't be associated with fantasies and secrets and taboo and intimacy
in a desirable way and it's verboten to talk about.
The healthiest way is to talk about it exactly what it is:
it's normal,
it's healthy,
בעזרת השם one day you're going to get married,
you're going to use it in a in a blessed way.
But the גמרא tells us,
and it goes on,
this is one of the most shocking גמרות you could imagine.
רב שמואל בר נחמני said:
הנה טוב,
זה יצר טוב;
הנה טוב מאוד,
זה היצר הרע.
You hear that?
So when it says הנה טוב מאוד,
the טוב is the יצר טוב.
The טוב מאוד is the יצר הרע.
The גמרא says:
יצר הרע טוב מאוד?
אתמיהה?
This is בראשית רבה פרק ט,
ז.
אילולי יצר הרע,
says the מדרש,
if it wasn't for the יצר הרע,
לא בנה אדם בית,
לא נשא אשה,
לא הוליד ולא נשא ונתן.
If a person didn't have a desire for עריות,
he wouldn't be productive in the world,
he wouldn't do business,
he wouldn't build a house.
So let's just change our definition.
The desire and passion that a boy has growing up,
in the very difficult years of between age 13 and marriage,
where he's got the passion and the desire,
but doesn't yet have a way of expressing it,
is a very healthy desire to have.
It's a good desire to have.
It's something which is a blessing that you have.
Not to express it in an in an unhealthy way,
not to express it in a way which is against the הלכה,
and that that's what makes this this period so difficult.
It's a very difficult period.
Ideally,
ideally—this isn't our society today,
but ideally—get married at 14,
15.
חז״ל advise that:
you should get married young.
If you get married younger,
you won't have desire in an inappropriate way because you've channeled it immediately in
the right way.
But that's not our society that we live in now,
and we're living in a very awkward society where we have a number of
years where we're stuck in the middle.
But the first thing I want to say,
and just very,
very clearly,
is to normalize the struggle.
It's something that everyone goes through,
and it's a healthy desire to have.
There was a master מחנך called רבי משה מונק,
and he had a תלמיד who was learning קיצור שולחן ערוך,
and he came to his רבי shaking and scared.
And he said,
"רבי,
I hate to tell you this,
but but I'm a רוצח."
"A רוצח?"
"I'm a רוצח."
"What happened?"
He said,
"I was learning קיצור שולחן ערוך,
קנ״א,
and it says there:
אסור להוציא זרע לבטלה.
Now,
that's not good,
but then it goes on and it says:
ועוון זה חמור מכל עבירות שבתורה.
And it goes on and it says:
העושה זאת הוא בנידוי.
And then it goes on and it says:
ידיהם דמים מלאו,
כאילו הורג את הנפש.
So it says,
רבי,
it says that if someone is מוציא זרע לבטלה,
it says that they're a murderer,
כאילו a murderer.
And רבי,
and I do that.
So I'm a murderer!"
Now,
you're you're רבי משה מונק,
and this תלמיד is coming to you,
and he's feeling guilty and terrible about the fact that he's מוציא זרע לבטלה.
So what do you do?
So option number one is to say,
"You're right!
You are a murderer!
You better stop quickly,
or I'm calling the police!"
That's option number one,
unlikely to have good results.
Option number two is to say,
"It's okay,
it's fine,
don't worry,
everything's okay," which is that that struggle,
that tightrope that we're walking on,
because it is an עבירה,
and it it's a very severe עבירה.
So you have to say that it's bad,
but on the other hand,
you have to help him see that it's it's a normal struggle that people
have."
Master מחנך,
Rav Moshe Munk says,
"Can I have that ספר?"
"Okay,
רבי.
Are you going to throw it at me?"
"No,
no,
just I just want to..."
So he takes the ספר and he turns back a few pages,
and he gets to פרק ל'.
And he says,
"You know,
I struggle also."
"רבי,
you struggle also?"
"Yeah,
look at this.
לא תלך רכיל בעמיך."
"רכיל?
What,
you're talking about לשון הרע?
That that's not that's not the same."
"No,
let's read it together.
What's the definition of רכיל?
גנות,
okay,
etcetera.
והוא עוון גדול וגורם להרוג נפשות מישראל.
Someone who speaks רכיל,
it's considered as if they killed.
As it says,
סמוך to the פסוק of לא תלך רכיל,
it says,
לא תעמוד על דם רעך.
So you see like the קיצור שולחן ערוך like we all have struggles.
We're all trying to do the will of Hashem,
and we all have struggles.
And there are things that the קיצור שולחן ערוך says that are like equal
to murder,
and it's all from חז"ל,
and it's true.
And it's showing how how severe it is,
and we're all struggling,
but we're all doing our best.
We're all struggling,
we're all trying to do our best.
We're just trying to be good Jews,
and we're struggling,
and we're all in this together."
Master מחנך!
Genius!
Because if you take זרע לבטלה in a category of its own,
and you say,
"This is the worst thing ever!
And you're the biggest רשע that ever existed ever ever!
Failure!
Loser!
You're out!
What are you coming into the בית מדרש for?
How dare you?
Aren't you embarrassed?"
Then the person who feels that feeling is going to say like,
"Okay,
I'm out of the game.
Like I shouldn't be here."
But when you show it in the right context,
and you say,
"This is an עבירה.
There are lots of עבירות.
It's not allowed,
it's prohibited,
and we all are trying to do our best.
And we're all struggling,
but we're all working to the next step."
It's something which is very normal that people speak לשון הרע,
and you're not shocked by that,
and you're not nervous by that,
and you're not trembling by that,
but you're saying,
"I'm struggling with this area,
but I want to work on it."
What Rav Moshe Munk did was he removed the hyperfocusing.
Because what causes people to struggle in this area extra,
more than necessary,
is where it's a struggle for everyone.
But when you hyperfocus on it,
and you say,
"Oh my gosh,
I'm struggling with this!
This is the worst thing ever!"
then that causes a person to feel an extra level of guilt.
And when they feel that extra level of guilt,
then,
and there's no one to turn to because it's a taboo topic,
and no one's speaking about it,
and no רבי is speaking,
so this is terrible,
then they feel they feel guilty,
they feel depressed.
And now there's nothing to hold onto anymore!
Now,
"I'm I'm the worst person ever,
and no one else is struggling with this,
and no one else is talking about this,
so that makes this like a a terrible,
terrible,
terrible thing!
And I'm guilty for doing it,
and I feel bad about the fact that I'm doing it,
and now I have nothing to make me feel good,
I have no other outlets,
what am I going to do?
There's nothing else to do,
back to do the the עבירה again!
I need some momentary pleasure,
some second where I feel good about myself,
and I know that it's going to bring a lot worse feelings afterwards,
but I need to feel that I exist on some level,
something,
I need something to hold onto!"
What Rav Munk did by normalizing it,
and saying this is something that all Jews struggle with,
like לשון הרע,
it's an עבירה like other עבירות.
Genius,
genius!
So it's not saying it's allowed.
It's saying you have to learn the skills that we're going בעזרת השם going
to be speaking about in the next few weeks.
You have to learn the techniques,
you have to learn the mindsets of how to get out of it,
you have to move on.
But the first step is to take away the stigma,
and the taboo,
and the super עבירה,
that it's not.
It is a it is a terrible עבירה,
but struggling is part of יידישקייט!
Struggling to keep the standards of יידישקייט is is a normal,
equal thing that we do.
That's what we do all across.
We live in an era with powerful attractions and a great desire,
and the world around us isn't helping us,
it's making it only worse.
The world around us is saying to us,
"Doing this עבירה,
that's why you were made!
Gratification,
that's the purpose of life!"
And the Judaism here is coming and saying,
"No,
no,
no!
We believe there's a higher purpose in life than momentary pleasure."
So we're struggling against the world.
What we're doing is normal.
To summarize everything we said today:
Point number one,
it's healthy and תורה perspective to speak about it.
If you don't speak about it,
it creates more of a חילול השם because people feel that it's not the
תורה's's view,
תורה has nothing to say about it,
I can't turn to תורה.
So we smashed that misconception with the עמק דבר.
It's healthy and appropriate to be speaking about it openly,
and that's how we're going to get to the next step.
Point number two that we made was it's normal and natural that everyone struggles
with it.
We're not saying it's permitted because of that,
but we are saying don't hyperfocus on it and make it worse than it
is,
because that only leads to more guilt and more depression and more עבירות.
Rather,
if you say,
"I'm struggling with this.
This is a normal struggle,
and I want to take the next step.
Give me the guidance,
give me the steps of what to do."
Then you're in a healthier emotional place to be able to take that next
step forward.
Over the next few weeks,
we're going to speak about how not to get into the struggle to begin
with,
if one did get into the struggle,
how to overcome it,
Once a person sinned,
if a person sinned,
how to look at yourself and not fall into a deeper state of depression,
and then we're going to speak about the practical הלכות that come out of
it,
and that's going to be over the next six weeks.
בעזרת השם,
this will be helpful both for you and for other people.
The invitation to speak remains open.
You're always welcome.
יישר כח.