49 Tarzan and Snow White, over coffee

Episode Title: Tarzan & Snow White, Over Coffee
Writer: Rick Regan
Based on: Tarzan of the Apes by Edgar Rice Burroughs and Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs by The Brothers Grimm

The "Great Tarzan of the Apes" (now Lord Greystoke) and "Snow White" cross paths unexpectedly at a busy coffee shop in San Diego. She's an attractive, toned woman in her late-thirties trying to dismiss her past, and he's a big, muscled man in his mid-forties, clearly focused on bodybuilding and wellness.

What starts as a suspicious encounter quickly evolves into a dramatic and comedic catch-up between two famous characters grappling with their middle-aged identities. They trade stories of failed relationships—Snow White and Prince Florian (who hustled her dwarves for a gold mine in Australia), and Tarzan and Jane (who left him for an ornithologist in Canada).

They both struggle to define themselves outside of their legendary pasts: Tarzan, wrestling with the legacy of "European Conqueror" and being the "Great Bwana", and Snow White, confronting the brutal reality of aging out of Hollywood's "fairest of them all" standard. They clash over their future plans—his focus on the gym community versus her developing a "one-woman show". The confrontation leads to an unexpected connection and a potential first date.

🎭 Major Themes

• Midlife Crisis and Identity: Both characters struggle with their current, "washed-up" identities versus their famous, youthful pasts.
• The Weight of Legend: Tarzan confronts the problematic historical reality of his "Great Bwana" persona and European colonization, while Snow White deals with the pressure of being the "fairest of them all" as she ages.
• Failed Fairytale Relationships: They discuss the disillusionment of their marriages to "royalty"—Prince Florian was a mean, cruel gold-digger, and Jane was only interested in Tarzan after he gained his aristocratic title.
• Finding a Second Act: The core of the drama is their attempt to move on and figure out "who are you going to be when you grow up?" and find a new direction in life.

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Scripts Aloud

TARZAN & SNOW WHITE, OVER COFFEE
Written by Rick Regan
Based on, Tarzan of the Apes,
By Edgar Rice Burroughs
And
Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs
By The Brothers Grimm

INT. COFFEE SHOP - LATE MORNING
The coffee shop is a busy place with young people on laptops
and phones at every table. In the background is some Bob
Marley, and the baristas all have hipster style. A small line
of people wait to place their orders.
SNOW WHITE is an attractive woman in her late-thirties
sitting at a table. She is wearing a tennis skirt and a
sleeveless sports top. She is toned and tanned, and has a
flattering haircut. She is scrolling on her phone, with her
latte going cold on the table.
BARISTA
Snow? Order for Snow.
Snow looks and gets up to retrieve the breakfast sandwich.
A large man moves out of the line and approaches her as she
goes for her order.
TARZAN
Hang on. Excuse me. I think I may
know you.
SNOW
(suspicious)
Why? Were you on a gameshow?
TARZAN
(confused)
What? A gameshow?
SNOW
People tell me there was a person
on a gameshow that looks like me.
Won a lot of money. Happens all the
time.
Snow White turns to go back to her table. Tarzan follows.
TARZAN
No, no, I don’t watch TV. Aren’t
you...?
SNOW
(sitting)
Aren’t I...?
TARZAN
The coffee guy, he said, Snow.
Aren’t you...that Snow? Snow White?
SNOW
Me?! Oh, no! No, I mean, what ever
happened to that girl? I mean,
really!
TARZAN
(understanding)
Oh. Right. I see. I’m sorry to
bother you. I’m sure your privacy
is very important. It’s just that I
believe we met once, before. In
London.
Snow White looks him up and down, now really seeing him. He
is a big man, very well muscled, in a ‘Venice Beach’ style.
He is in his mid-to-late forties, wearing a tight black t
shirt, short athletic shorts and flip-flops.
SNOW
London? Wait, you’re not...
TARZAN
Lord Greystoke, Miss White.
He extends a hand. They shake and she waves him to sit.
SNOW
The Great Tarzan of the Apes. How
remarkable. It’s been years. Was
that at Pemberley House? Mister
Darcy’s?
TARZAN
In Derbyshire, that’s right. Ol’
Dandy Darcy.
SNOW
He knew how to throw a party!
TARZAN
Yeah, old times. What were you
doing there? As I recall, you were
‘summering’ in England? Is that
right?
SNOW
Well, that’s what I called it, at
the time. Florian and I were taking
“a break” from each other. I just
needed to get away for a while.
TARZAN
Florian! That’s right! Prince
Florian.
I saw him in Nairobi once, years
later. He was flogging some gold
mine something or other. I steered
clear of it. Is he still running
it?
SNOW
The gold mine? Oh, no, That was a
money pit from the start. The
investors bilked each other, the
workers never got paid and Florian
got booted out of the country. He
took the miners, MY DWARVES!, and
hustled off to Australia. Can you
believe it?
TARZAN
That’s right, he said something
about a specialized mining team. Of
course, what he meant was...
(sotto voce)
not-African.
SNOW
Speak for yourself. You were the
Great Bwana.
TARZAN
Hey, I didn’t choose that life. My
parents were shipwrecked when I was
just a child. I was lucky that the
apes didn’t eat me.
SNOW
But you did that trick, the thing
where you swing through the trees,
on the vines!
TARZAN
That was a long time ago.
SNOW
So what happened to you? You were
swinging from the vines, and then I
see you in England, as Lord
Greystoke. Now in San Diego, at a
Starbucks.
TARZAN
Hey, keep it down, will you?
There’s a lot there that I’m not
proud of.
Like what?
SNOW
TARZAN
The whole European Conqueror thing.
I didn’t invent that. I just lived
my life. All of that came after,
with the tea plantations, the
coffee groves. And those damned
Belgians in the rubber forest.
Monsters!
SNOW
So, what, you just washed up in
England, straight out of the
jungle?
TARZAN
No, First it was Wisconsin, with
Jane. But I was, I guess, still too
rough, too wild. But, you know, I
studied, I learned. I became a
civilized person. And when I
learned about my parents, Lord and
Lady Greystoke, and that I had both
a manor in the Cotswolds and a
share of a plantation in British-
Kenya, well, I played along. Didn’t
I?
SNOW
And Jane? I remember her. American.
Smart woman.
TARZAN
Oh, you know the type. Once she
realized that I had an aristocratic
pedigree, well she sure was
interested in getting married then!
SNOW
A gold digger?
TARZAN
But...not a dwarf.
SNOW
(chuckles)
Right, yes. So, go on.
TARZAN
We went back to East Africa and
made a go of it on the plantation.
But she was, how should I say, too
American. The workers and the
servants then, honestly it was just
above slavery. She couldn’t stomach
it.
SNOW
And you?
TARZAN
Oh, I’d been the Great Bwana since
I was twelve or so. The Bantu, the
Igbo, Fulani and Zulu, all called
me Bwana. But she couldn’t, or
wouldn’t, be the Great Bibi.
SNOW
So she left? Back to America?
TARZAN
Canada. Ottawa. There was a clever
visiting bird-man, an
ornithologist, and she went with
him. I don’t really blame her. I
hope she’s happy.
SNOW
So how did you get to San Diego?
TARZAN
Look, enough about me. What are you
doing now? I mean, you were the
“fairest of them all.”
SNOW
Yeah, well, you know, LA will show
a girl what she’s really worth.
TARZAN
What do you mean?
SNOW
There’s always a new beauty walking
into Hollywood. More like a
hundred, every day. And, you know,
now I understand my evil
stepmother, in a way. When she was
the “fairest in in the land”, she
must have been a real looker. Then
one day, the mirror tells you,
“Honey, you’re too old. Get over
it.” And now it’s me. I look in the
mirror and it tells me the same
thing.
TARZAN
That’s nonsense! You’re a stunner!
You do Pilates? Your legs look
great. I bet your glutes and quads
are top notch. You’ve got decent
pecs, probably great abs and even
good definition in your biceps. Are
you vegan?
SNOW
(laughs)
No, I play tennis. But how do you
notice all of those things?
TARZAN
I’m a great admirer of Arnold’s. He
came to America to be a champion
bodybuilder and ended up as the
governor of California!
SNOW
So...you want to be a politician?
TARZAN
No, I work out here because it’s a
great community. People really
focused on wellness, and strength.
Strength of body and strength of
MIND. You know what I’m saying?
SNOW
Go on.
TARZAN
Snow, I look at my life and you
know what? My best years are behind
me. What I was, the Great Bwana, I
can’t go back to that, even if I
wanted to. I can’t swing from vine
to vine. Jane is gone. The taxes on
the manor house and the plantation
drove me off the land. I’m just a
washed-up guy, a middle-aged hack.
But I rely on the community, the
guys at the weight racks to be
there for me. They’ve got my back.
SNOW
To do what, exactly? Tell you to
keep on, to push through? And then
what? Huh?! Who are you going to be
when you grow up? Arnold? Even
Arnold is not the Terminator any
more. You’ve got to move on, man.
TARZAN
Oh, is that right? And what about
you? You just glide through the
world, playing tennis, smiling at
the world and the world is your
oyster? What are you doing with
yourself?
SNOW
I’m working on a one-woman show.
I’m hoping to open at the La Jolla
Playhouse in February. About my
time in the woods, my life with the
Prince. It’s an Everywoman Story.
TARZAN
Sure it is! Like every woman takes
up with dwarves and gets rescued by
the prince. The nerve of you!
SNOW
What’s your problem? Every woman
wants to be the most beautiful
woman in the world, at least once.
And everyone wants to have a prince
charming who thinks you’re
wonderful, at least once. And every
woman has somebody in her life that
tries to control or shut down what
she can do, or even think. And now
it’s you, trying to shut me down.
But I’m so far past that now. I
really am.
TARZAN
Well, good for you. I hope it all
works out and the show is a big
hit. I’m sure every washed-up, has
been, from Orange County to the Bay
Area, will line up and applaud as
you tell your tale of, what?,
Suffering and Survival? Is that the
title? Or is it, Snow White, Out of
the Woods!
SNOW
It’s called One Woman’s Journey, if
you have to know.
TARZAN
(dismissive)
Compelling.
SNOW
And you just keep on working on
your body. I’m sure Jane will be
back here, pining for you, in no
time.
TARZAN
You know what, maybe I’m getting
off on the wrong foot. Maybe I
could watch you play tennis some
time.
SNOW
(chuckles)
Are you sure? We play in Tarzana.
TARZAN
No, yeah. Sure. When do you play?
SNOW
I’m heading up there for an
afternoon game today.
TARZAN
We could grab a bite, after. You
know, see how it goes.
SNOW
Slow down there, Bwana!
TARZAN
Oh, hey. I’m sorry. Do you have a
boyfriend? Or...a girlfriend? Or, I
mean, whatever now?
SNOW
No, No, actually. I’m kind of in
between. Me and Serge, we split up
over the holidays.
TARZAN
Wait, Serge? Serge Romero? Not
Serge? The manager of the Playhouse
in La Jolla?
SNOW
Yeah. You know him?
TARZAN
I did Hickey in Iceman Cometh
there, oh, two years ago. Did you
see me?
SNOW
Wait, I saw that show! That was
you? It was, wasn’t it! You were
amazing!
TARZAN
Well, thematically, I felt like I
really lived the part, become the
character. He is the voice of the
hard-truth, for the down and
outers. Now, I can’t shake it. It’s
part of me now, that ‘speak the
truth’-style.
SNOW
Like saying I’m a washed-up, has
been?
TARZAN
Yeah, no, I’m sorry about that. You
seem like you’ve really got your
stuff together.
SNOW
Thanks.
TARZAN
And, maybe, you’d like to take a
chance with the Big Man from
Africa.
SNOW
You can take the Englishman out of
Africa...
TARZAN
Yeah, you know what I miss? I miss
the people. The story is that I was
raised by apes, but it was really a
Bantu village in Salonga. Raised by
the whole village. All of them. So
much love. That’s what I miss.
SNOW
Yeah?
TARZAN
But not the spiders. I don’t like
spiders.
SNOW
(laughs)
No! No, I don’t like spiders.
TARZAN
I just can’t believe that Prince
Florian would let you go. You’re so
beautiful.
SNOW
The only thing he thought was
beautiful was money. I’m just glad
I got out. I still got dragged down
though. And he was mean, and cruel.
TARZAN
You don’t deserve that. You deserve
to have somebody be nice to you.
SNOW
Tell that to Serge.
TARZAN
He can be demanding. But, yeah, I’d
like to watch you play tennis. And
take you out.
SNOW
Maybe.
TARZAN
I’ve got to move some stuff around.
Today is leg-day.
SNOW
“Never skip leg day.”
TARZAN
For you, it’s worth it. Besides,
how often does some regular guy get
to hang out with the ‘fairest of
them all’? I’m just lucky!
SNOW
And you don’t think Jane is going
to show up and get all mad?
TARZAN
Hey, she fell head-over-heels
for...an ornithologist. I’m not
really her type.
SNOW
Well...you might be my type. We’ll
see.
TARZAN
Now we’re getting somewhere. I
think this could be the start of a
beautiful relationship.
SNOW
Jeez, do you keep, like, a list in
your pocket, with corny lines?
TARZAN
(pointing to head)
It’s all up here!
SNOW
That may be the only thing up
there!
TARZAN
I’m glad I ran into you. What time
is tennis?
SNOW
Three o’clock.
TARZAN
See you there.
Tarzan gets up to leave. Snow White admires him, watching him
go.
END.