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With a variety of shows, Legion Podcasts brings you discussion on the worlds of horror, film and video games from an assortment of perspectives.
I can't keep up with the fucking slurs and hate speech and weird shit that's coming out of his mouth.
So I'm just going to open the episode with an apology to everybody and just let the clips be, because there's just no fucking point.
There is very little time or point in an explanation.
To be blunt, the audio came from a timeline and dimension that has collapsed at a quantum level, rendering it null and void in terms of existence.
Operational time in the dimensional continuum where the beings that created the audio collapsed in on itself rendering all of their civilization including technology null and void.
Timelines across the entire continuum are collapsing and changing.
The destruction has a nexus that centers on CINEMA SILOPS.
10!
10 years!
10 years, man!
10 years!
10 years!
10 years!
What is the most likely way humanity will be wiped out?
Maybe it's something from space, or us, although the way the world ends might be because of you, and if this is the case, you wouldn't have any control over it.
On top of the initial flash of thermonuclear light, which is 180 million degrees, which catches everything on fire in a nine-mile diameter radius.
On top of the bulldozing effect of the wind and all the buildings coming down and more fires igniting more fires.
On top of the radiation that they happen to have survived, poisoning people to death.
On top of all that, each one of these fires creates a mega fire that is a hundred or more square miles.
Timelines across the entire continuum are collapsing and changing.
The destruction has a nexus that centers on cinema-science.
A breathtaking scientific revolution is taking place.
Biotechnology has been progressing at stunning speed, giving us the tools to eventually gain control over biology, solving the deadliest diseases, while also creating viruses more dangerous than nuclear bombs, able to devastate humanity.
It's man returning to the most primal, violent state as people fight over the tiny resources that remain.
Timelines across the entire continuum are collapsing and changing.
The destruction has a nexus that centers on Cinema Xylox.
Ten years!
And welcome to year 10 of Cinema PsyOps.
This episode represents 469 consecutive weeks of this show being released.
And joining me in the joy of all the wonderful things that year 10 will bring to us is my co-host Matt.
I look like the leader from Incredible Hulk.
Yeah, we kind of talked about it, but it'll be kind of edited out.
Matt had a mishap that he'll explain a lot later, but he has a giant bruise on his forehead, the size of his forehead.
It's not a bruise, my head is just swollen now.
There's like no bruise, there's some red rashing to it, but it is fully just swelled completely.
My head, it looks like I should be dead.
People have to hold on to our story time to find out what happened to you.
I know, right?
Yeah, it's fun and exciting.
What you're saying is there's no amount of cover-up makeup that's going to make this look okay for work tomorrow.
Dude, there's nothing, nothing that could be, my hats barely fit me anymore.
That's how big, which bigger my forehead has gotten now.
It's all in the forehead too.
So it can be in the back where you can maybe hide it a little.
It's right in the forehead.
It'd be in a bald man, and you know this.
Yeah.
Fucking shit happens to our heads.
We can't hide it with nothing.
Nope, it's out there for everyone to see.
Not even a head wrap is going to take care of that.
After we do the show, I'm going with my son to go see Deadpool and Wolverine.
And I have to go in public like this.
Just tell everyone your cosplaying is Deadpool.
They won't even question it.
Yeah, right?
There you go.
Oh, for fuck's sakes.
We talked about it, and up first is your notes, and we are doing Back to School.
We've been talking about doing this movie for, I don't know, how fucking long.
Fucking A.
We almost lost it all and just didn't even keep going after the Al Adamson debacle of Year 9, but now we're here.
We're standing strong.
And until this fucking world ends, we're gonna keep making this show every fucking week until year 10 is done.
And we're gonna do it with movies that are so much to look forward to.
Yes, good movies now, people.
Or at least ones we enjoy.
I don't know about good, but at least ones we enjoy.
Right.
I would call them all good, ones that I would do.
Yeah, there's some debate on how great they may or may not be, but they're all at least good movies.
So, yes.
Yeah.
And Back to School is no exception.
You and I both thoroughly enjoy this film.
Although watching it now as an adult in a more woke mindset, it's a little more difficult for some of the jokes.
Yeah, it's a little more problematic for some things.
You might have to cut some things because I mean, it's just hard to get out of there, especially anything with kittison in it.
So yes, I did not trim anything out of the clips just yet.
So we're going to have fun playing all of these.
I did try to trim everything down, but a lot of the movies that we're picking, we're picking for the dialogue that we love.
So there's going to be a lot of clips and a lot of Matt and I sitting back for seven to 12 minutes of the show and letting the clips do the work.
I only have 10 clips, but they're long.
Yeah.
Well, for when we do my show next week, it's going to be at least four more clips than what you have, and some of them were in the double digits for sure because there was that much dialogue, so it's fine.
Yeah.
Hey, you know what I just realized too?
We double dosed here of Robert Downey Jr.
Also, we double dosed of Robert Downey Jr.
in a collegiate setting, wreaking havoc.
Yes.
Yeah, that is funny.
Okay.
Yeah, it was totally, totally unintentional, but that's just how it worked out.
Let's talk about Robert Downey Jr.
in Back to School for both weeks for the Pirate Radio edit for both of these shows.
And I'm going to try and continue this on as best I can for as long I can for these more popular films that we're covering.
I'm going to try and grab songs specifically from the soundtrack if it's like pop music songs.
Otherwise, I'm going to revert to the year.
And for both our episodes, I was able to grab songs from the actual soundtrack from the film.
Nice.
Yeah, yeah, I'm really excited for that.
Up first on the Pirate Radio edit for Back to School, we're going to have the song Back to School, which is the big theme song of the movie from Jude Cole, immediately following this.
This will keep you quiet.
Oh, hi there.
I didn't see you.
You caught me cutting a new show.
I'm Beau Ransdell, and I'm one of the many creators you can find on Legion Podcasts.
I said quiet.
My fellow podcasters and I work hard to bring you the best in horror podcasting, but that comes at a cost.
Wouldst thou like to live deliciously?
Not that, but also yes.
No, what I'm getting at is that there are server costs, costs for good microphones and software for editing, all the things that make our shows fun to listen to.
And you can help.
If you're enjoying the shows on legionpodcasts.com or in the Legion Network available on iTunes and Stitcher, just about anywhere you can download a podcast really, you can help us out and get a little something for your trouble at patreon.com/legionpodcasts
For just two bucks a month, you get a pair of movie commentaries exclusive to Patreon.
And for five dollars, you can also join us for a monthly screening of a movie.
All of that available on patreon.com/legionpodcasts
We appreciate it.
And thank you for listening.
Now back to the cutting room.
Shit, that is one of those 80s theme songs that actually is trying to tell you the story right as you're getting ready to watch the film.
A lot of songs in the 80s were like that.
Totally a whole story.
Yeah, I mean, there's many a theme that basically tries to tell you the whole story of the film that you were watching in the 80s.
That happened rather frequently.
Yeah, yeah.
Why don't we tell them?
Just recently, the wife and I, a few nights ago, watched Major League, which is another one of my movies that I'll be doing soon.
But Randy Newman, the song begins, and it's Randy Newman in the opening credits, and he tells that story.
And my wife was getting so annoyed, she wanted to stop watching the movie.
She hates that shit.
I'm like, no, no, it's fine.
Just gonna wait.
Well, why don't we tell them the story of Back to School by actually covering the film?
All right, Back to School.
I'm happy to do this.
I did it in 30-minute blocks.
So the first 30, we start in New York, 1940, a young kid bringing home his report card, and that is our first clip.
You call this a report card?
What kind of marks is these?
How are you gonna go to college with marks like these?
I don't want to go to college.
I want to work in the shop with you.
You want to work in the shop with me, huh?
Listen to me.
I say it once and I say it again.
I don't care how rich or successful a man is.
If he don't got an education, he's got enough.
Try, Pop.
I can't do it.
Then try harder.
You can do anything in life you want to do.
Remember, you're a Maloney.
And we get the opening creds where you kind of see Thornton make his life and do all this other stuff.
And then after the opening creds, there's a commercial.
It's Ronny Dangerfield talking.
So it's obviously our next clip.
Justifiable.
Are you a large person, pleasantly plump, a little on a hefty side perhaps?
Oh, let's face it.
Are you fat?
When you go jogging, do you leave potholes?
When you make love, do you have to give directions?
At the zoo, do elephants throw you peanuts?
Do you look at a menu and say, okay?
Well, now you can eat all you want, because at Thornton Melon's tall and fat stores, we've got you covered.
That's right.
Find Woollen.
And Woollen blends suits and sport coats in all the larger sizes.
Husky, stop.
Extra stop.
At the new Hindenburg line.
Lou, did you see the new spot?
Yeah, I seen it.
Do I look fat in it?
You could lose a couple of pounds.
I gotta get bigger actors.
Pocahontas, Hawaii.
Hold some of my clothes.
Good morning, everyone.
Take it easy.
Will you take it easy?
And don't get anything on the walls.
Okay, folks, what's up?
Mr.
Melon, we have a serious offer on your commercial property in South Florida, and we feel you should sell.
No, hold it for one more year.
Take the depreciation, then transfer a title to the California Corporation.
Show it as a capital gain.
We should do great.
What else?
The toy division has come up with a new doll idea to go along with our children's clothing line.
We call them Melon Patch Kids.
Now the competition exploits the notion that their dolls are orphans.
The Melon Patch Kids are not orphans.
They're abandoned.
We think it's a winner.
Okay, go with it.
But keep the unit cost under five bucks.
And last year we took a bath in those chubby tubby tub toys.
Jason's on the phone.
Jason!
Okay, everybody, take a break.
Excuse me, Mr.
Melon, but we have a very long agenda.
Later.
My son's on the phone.
But Mr.
Melon!
Jason, how are you?
How are you doing?
How's the diving going?
Oh, it's great.
Edward, we just finished up practice.
Oh, keep it up.
Keep it up.
And the fraternity.
I'll bet you're having fun in the fraternity, huh?
Yeah, it's great.
It's great.
Oh, that's great.
Great.
Hey, you're not doing too much, are you?
You studying?
Well, right now, we're between semesters, so classes don't start up again for another.
No classes?
Then come home.
Tonight, your mother and I are having a big party.
It's our fifth anniversary.
Whoa, whoa, Dad.
Dad, she's not my mother.
She's your wife, and I don't get the feeling she wants me around.
You know what I mean?
OK, let's not start that again.
I'll tell you what.
I'll come up there to see you.
No, that's bad.
It's a bad idea.
I got this big dive meet coming up.
I got to practice.
I wouldn't have any time to see you.
It's a rotten time.
OK, I understand.
Look, Dad, I promise I'll come down for visit next break again, OK?
All right?
Look, I got to go, OK?
OK, Jason, take care of yourself.
I love you.
I love you, too.
All right.
Melon, I told you to clean my locker.
Now, if it's too much for you, we're going to have to get ourselves a new towel.
Right.
Look, I'm sorry, Chaz.
I'll get on as soon as I can, OK?
Home sweet home.
I like your old house better.
So did I.
I like your old wife better, too.
Lay off, Vanessa, she gives great headache.
Lou, I can't believe it, married five years.
Seems like yesterday.
You know what a lousy day yesterday was.
Please don't throw your clothes on the broyer chair.
How come all our furniture has names?
I have absolutely nothing to wear.
You got six closets full of nothing to wear.
Are you saying I spent too much money?
You spent too much money?
No.
A lot of people got to switch them to get their watch fixed.
You have no taste, Thornton.
You're right.
I married you, didn't I?
Look, I don't have time to argue.
Our friends will be here any minute.
You mean your friends?
They are my friends, and I'd like to keep them.
So please just behave yourself tonight.
Don't worry.
If the roast beef is right, they'll be back.
All right.
So they have this party.
Funny story, the backdrop of the college is the University of Wisconsin at Madison.
Go Badgers, Wisconsin.
So and of course, we see the most famous bully of the 1980s movies is in this Billy Zappa.
William Zapka.
Yes.
William Zapka.
Yeah, you can call him Billy, but his last name is Zapka.
Yeah, Zapka.
Sorry, Zapka.
Yeah, it's totally fine.
Fucked up.
That is the least offensive thing that's going to be uttered on this show.
Thanks to Rodney Danger.
I can't keep up with the fucking slurs and hate speech and weird shit that's coming out of his mouth.
So I'm just going to open the episode with an apology to everybody and just let the clips be, because it's just no fucking point.
Just understand, this is a very different time, and there's really nothing else to do right now for it.
I mean, the man's dead.
Right.
So also Rodney Dangerfield's style of comedy was literally lovingly insulting everyone around him.
Like he included himself.
Right.
Like he literally would bag on everything around him as a way of showing it affection.
Like that's just the way that his comedy style was.
Yeah.
So they're having this party as he's walking around trying to get another beer because he can't even get beer at his own house.
I thought about clipping this whole fucking party, but it was so fragmented that I was just like, but it's a good, good fucking scene.
You know, watch the movie, pay attention.
It's a fucking awesome thing.
It's literally a bunch of set pieces for him to be able to deliver that kind of like biting dialogue that yeah, in that comedy where he is insulting someone, but trying to do it in like a, hey, no offense, like his style.
No offense.
Yeah.
No offense.
He does fight his wife, however, in like the, it like the, what you would call it, in the kitchen.
It's the...
It was a butler's entry or pantry way.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Pantry.
Yeah.
And he finds his wife up on a counter with a dude, all get all over her.
And he's like, ha!
And he makes another fucking joke about all that.
And then he makes himself a fucking awesome sandwich, just by using all the finger food and, you know, getting out a loaf of bread.
Did you notice he threw in some deviled eggs in there, too?
I never noticed that until this week.
Deviled eggs.
It was deviled eggs.
Swedish meatballs, deviled eggs, and some olives.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And the olives, I can't do, but the rest of that looked delicious.
It's this giant fucking loaf of bread that he hollows out in front of everybody.
Everybody's so shocked and offended by it.
It's great.
I know.
It's so awesome.
This is Pete Dangerfield.
Yeah.
And then he's introduced to a couple by his wife, and the woman is a heavier side, and she's also wearing a green dress, and he said that they had eight pockets in it.
He looked like a pool table.
And he goes, you shopped by my store for the tall and fat.
No offense.
Right.
And she's just so affronted.
And also, he goes to shake her hand.
He actually spits something out into his hand from the sandwich that he couldn't chew on.
It was an olive he took out of his mouth.
Yeah.
And then dropped it on his plate and then went to shake her hand.
And then she just recoils in fucking fear.
It's great.
It's great.
And then the wife's like, I want to talk to you.
My favorite, one of my favorite, like, it's just such a nothing lie.
But it always makes me laugh as she's getting up.
And he looks back at the guy and goes, hey, watch my sandwich.
He is the king of those aside jokes.
Like, yeah, yeah.
That's what made for me, Caddyshack, was those aside jokes that he would just say to people after dropping those insults on a bunch of other people.
They were the best completely.
Well, so then she gets mad.
She's good up there and she wants a divorce.
And he's like, fine, here's the papers.
I already have them.
She goes, oh, I'm going to make you pay.
And he goes, oh, yeah, you want to talk about paid.
He brought up photos of all of her cheating.
So, you know, things are going to be fine.
Yeah.
And later on, it gets more provocative.
The more you have Polaroids, the more it ends with him.
And a little a little person's in the picture.
He does not say a little person, of course, but it's a little person.
Right.
Yeah.
It is as offensive as Rodney Dangerfield can say it to her.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But it's enough to state that she has definitely broken any kind of marital vows that she's not going to get as much as she thinks she is now.
Exactly.
Well, then.
So he's swimming.
We get our first hilarious body double for a dive that this guy does because he's a big diver.
And again, much like the 80s, you have to come up with a sport that's not a normal sport like diving.
Karate, diving, whatever you had to do to get things going.
But I would argue that in Dangerfield's defense here, this is one of the most obscure, weird sports to put in there, which actually makes it really hilarious.
And then also Rodney Dangerfield's body type for being a diver is also really fucking funny that they're pulling this.
So it's the comedy for multiple levels that I think that they chose the diving more than just because it's an obscure sport to try and showcase.
Yeah, I know.
It's fucking great, no matter what.
Right, and I know other movies in the 80s did that pretty frequently, but this is still relatively early enough to where it's not that much of trying to parody that.
You know what I mean?
It's more like, I think it's just because it's funny that he's a diver.
I mean, there's so many continuities everywhere because it seems like they're going through, they just got done with one semester and going to it next, but when he goes to the school, it appears to be the fall semester.
So it means the kid would have been off for the summer.
And then you got also, they do diving during the fall and the winter at the school, apparently it's also cold in.
So it's just kind of like, there's a really, there's a lot of shit.
You just gotta go, okay, listen, who gives a shit?
Let's have some fun with Rodney Dangerfield.
That's all, don't get too fucking critical.
But it is funny.
You and I both love this film because we saw it at a super young age when that sort of thing never registered to us, nor did we care.
And we just love the show pieces and the set pieces.
And all this movie literally is, is just a set piece for Rodney Dangerfield to pull the same kind of asides and insult comedy that he did in Caddyshack, but doing it in a collegic setting and being a loving father.
He wanted to just do a little tweak on that.
Yeah, and being the star of it.
And not having, not sharing a whole lot of time with anyone else.
Right, right.
Like with Chevy Chase or Bill Murray or, you know.
Because really Caddyshack is more of an ensemble cast movie than one that has, I know they tried to probably make Chevy Chase the star of it, but really it's more of an ensemble movie.
Right, right.
And what I'm basically getting at is he's just doing a variation on a theme of something that he knows it'll work for his first, like trying to make him the star effort.
And they didn't focus in on the background story of how this stuff would work cohesively because it's a comedy and you're not supposed to be that worried about it, right?
Yeah, yeah, don't worry about it.
And by the way, a successful first time being the star of a movie.
So pretty amazing.
Yeah, he did a really good job on this.
Let's keep moving.
We'll stop blowing.
Let's keep moving.
Yeah.
Yeah.
All right.
So anyway, they're going to go up and see his son at college because he misses him.
So they're driving up there and finally he sees a house with Greek letters and he thinks it's the fraternity house his son lives in.
Well, we find out it's not the frat house.
It's a sorority house and he walks in at a girl to shower.
There are boobs.
So I mean, there you go.
Yeah.
I don't know if that's a thank you movie given the time.
He literally peaks it on her.
He thinks at first it's a guy.
So he's just like, hey, fella, I need your help.
And then when he sees her, he closes and he goes, I didn't see anything.
And then he opens it back up to tell her she's perfect.
While staring at her again.
Yeah, well, staring at her again.
Well, he buys off the cop to get out of trouble in our next clip.
Perfectly understandable, Mr.
Melon.
It was an honest mistake.
Let's just call it a bad day.
Yeah, but a great view.
You're right, officer.
Hey, a little something for the kids.
OK, take that.
It's OK.
I don't have any kids.
No, because we're here.
Get yourself some kids.
We're here.
Take it all.
All right.
And just remember, the best thing about kids is making them.
Even if I do manage to graduate, ha ha, what do I do then?
I mean, it's the private sector, but look how bad the job market is today, you know?
There's Valerie Desmond.
See you guys.
Look how tight her ass is today.
You think there's any way she would ever go out with me?
Oh, thanks.
See, it's this whole stupid capitalist system, you know?
I mean, it's set up to heap rewards on the advantage and the aggressive.
And just to make sure they do regular schmoes like you and me, never get a date with girls like Valerie Desmond.
I hate the whole bourgeois mentality of this school.
Let me ask you something else, man.
Do you make this bullshit up as you go along, or do you actually read this?
No, I read this.
This is a book.
It's Karl Marx, famous book, Politarian Chicks and Bondage.
So it's a condom house book, comes with a leather hood.
Oh, is that the one with the pictures he had?
Can I borrow that?
Let's move on.
Yeah.
Well, you know...
Ah!
Dad, what are you doing here?
I'm robbing your room.
That's what I'm doing here.
We drive 300 miles to see the kid.
That's the greeting we get.
Come here, will ya?
Hey, I'm sorry, and I'm really glad to see you, but I wish I knew you were coming.
I'll bet you did.
I looked for you at that fraternity house.
They said you weren't a member.
Well, I can explain that.
They also told me you're not in the diving team.
They said you were the towel boy.
Well, I can explain that too.
Okay, explain it.
I lied.
Great.
That explains it, huh?
Jason, you don't lie to me.
You lie to girls.
Who's this?
Oh, I'm sorry.
This is my roommate.
That's Derek Lutz.
This is the dad, and that's Luke.
Is that your real hair?
What do you think?
I think you're trying to get back at your parents.
That's what I think.
Come on, show me the campus.
I want to talk to you.
Oh, good.
Boy, what a great-looking place.
When I used to dream about going to college, this is the way I always pictured it.
When did you dream about going to college?
When I used to fall asleep in high school.
Look, Dad, I know how much all this means to you, and I'm sorry I lied to you, okay?
Jason, you don't have to lie to me.
No matter what you do, I'll love you just the same.
Will you love me no matter what?
No matter what?
I'm dropping out.
You're dropping out?
You just got here.
You just started.
Dad, I know, but I'm not making it here.
I don't fit in, you know?
I got one friend, Derek.
He's got no friends.
The girls don't like me.
The fraternities don't want me.
The diving coach won't even talk to me.
How about you look at it this way?
At least you're getting an education.
Dad, last semester I got nothing but Cs.
Hey, BC., you're in the top three.
What are you worrying about?
I just think I'd be a lot better off, you know, getting a job or something.
Well, you never went to college.
Look how great you're doing.
Jason, I said it before and I'll say it again.
I don't care how rich and successful a man is.
Without an education, he's nothing.
I mean, stay in school, study harder.
You can be whatever you want to be.
You want to be a loser, you be a loser.
You want to be a winner, you be a winner.
Jason, it's up to you.
You can do it.
Remember, you're a melon.
Dad, that's easy for you to say.
You don't have to do any of it.
OK, then I'll do it with you.
What do you mean you do it with me?
I mean, just what I said.
I'm going to college.
What do you think?
Oh, I think I think you're nuts.
Who made the rules?
Now, let me get this straight, Mr.
Melon.
You wish to enter this widely esteemed Grand Lakes University of Ours as a freshman?
That's right, Dean Martin.
Are you comfortable?
Oh, I'm fine.
Hold a chair.
Oh, I'm sorry.
This is an awkward moment for me, Mr.
Melon, since I realize you're a highly respected member of our business community.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Our student body here is handpicked by me from the creme de la creme of students all across this great land of ours.
That's one of the things I like about this place.
Yes.
The point is, since you have no high school diploma and no transcripts of any kind, no SAT scores, and you're 30 to 40 years older than our average freshman, how can this university ever see its way clear to accept you as a student?
As Calvin Coolidge once said, the business of America is business.
And the business of an educational institution such as ours is to create young minds that understand that the business of America is the kind of business that it actually is.
So, whatever it is that I have said here today, the point is that we are here to honor our most generous benefactor and newest freshman, the man who's made it possible for us to break ground here today, Mr.
Thornton Melon.
Dean Martin, great speech, great speech.
There's nothing like good clean business, huh?
And a little monkey business.
Oh, Philip, I'm so glad you could make it.
Mr.
Melon, I'd like for you to meet Dr.
Philip Barbay, who's the dean of our School of Business.
David, I just want to get it on record that I am totally against this.
I don't think that selling admission to an obviously unqualified student is very ethical or honorable.
All right, Phil, but I'd just like to say, in all fairness to Mr.
Melon here, he was a really big check.
It's a simple matter of this man's presence undermining the efforts of our legitimate students, who are here as a result of hard work.
Hard work?
Listen, Sherlock, while you were tucked away up here working on your ethics, I was out there busting my hump in the real world.
And the reason guys like you got a place to teach is because guys like me donate buildings.
I wasn't speaking to you, Mr.
Melon.
I don't think Dr.
Barbe understands the actual amounts that are involved here.
Mr.
Melon, will you take the ceremonial shovel?
Thank you.
And dig in to the symbolic dirt.
I hereby dedicate this building to myself.
All right.
Now it's time to register for some classes.
They get in there and everything's just jam packed.
The kid flirts with his crush, and they're in line for astronomy.
He lets her cut with them.
And then Billy comes walking up, and he wants to cut line too, so he can also flirt with the young lady.
And they tell him to beat it, and so they make him leave.
Thornton, then he sees how packed it is, and he's like, well, I got an idea.
And he has Lou stand outside, holding the sign outside the limo, with the sign that says Bruce Springsteen, so the place empties out.
And now it's easy to go ahead and register for their older classes.
Next, we cut to buying some books and some classic danger field in our next clip.
Hey, you guys got everything you need?
Oh, yeah, we got it.
Hey, what's with the used books?
What's wrong with used books?
They've already been read.
Yeah, and they've already been underlined, too, get it?
That's the problem.
The last guy who underlined them, he could have been a maniac.
Hey, get these guys some new books, huh?
Get some new books, will you?
I'll tell you what, charge it to me, too, okay?
Here, pick a card.
And I'll tell you, I'm taking four of those school sweaters, a bunch of pennants, some of those beer mugs, a few of these fuzz balls you cheer with, and...
Hey, folks, it's on me, Shakespeare for everyone, okay?
You too, honey.
I like to tame your shrew.
Who is that?
That is Mr.
Thornton Melon, the world's oldest living freshman, and the walking epitome of the decline of modern education.
As Tubie Clod thinks he can buy his way out of the gutter.
I don't think so.
I think he was just having fun.
Oh, really?
Well, I can't wait to get him in my class.
We'll see how much fun he is then.
Oh, Philip.
Hey, Mr.
M.
You're all set.
We've been working all night long.
We got it all done.
Oh, thanks, Buzzy.
I appreciate it.
Look, add a few hundred to the bill and throw you in a boy's little party, okay?
You know what you got, Mr.
M.
You got class.
It rubbed off from you, Buzzy.
Say hello to Sonya for me.
Hey, I want to talk to you about my schedule.
We'll go over it later.
Well, boys, what do you think?
Whoo, got a hot tub in there.
Well, how can you study if you're not relaxed?
When's our first class?
We got economics tomorrow at 11 o'clock.
11 o'clock, no good.
I got a massage 11 o'clock.
Tell them to make it 2 o'clock.
No, dad, you don't get it.
They're not gonna reschedule the classes around your massage.
All right, 11 o'clock, but I'm gonna talk to that dean.
I mean, these classes could be a real inconvenience.
All right, settle down, people.
We've got a lot to cover, and time is short.
There are two kinds of people in business today, the quick and the dead.
So rather than waste your time this semester with a lot of useless theories, we're gonna jump right in with both feet and create a fictional company from the ground up.
We'll construct our physical plant.
We'll set up an efficient administrative and executive structure.
Then we'll manufacture our product and market it.
I think you'll find it very interesting and a lot of fun.
So let's start by looking at construction costs of our new factory.
What's the product?
That is immaterial for the purposes of our discussion here.
But if it makes you happy, let's say we're making tape recorders.
Tape recorders?
Are you kidding?
The chaps will kill us on a labor course.
Okay, fine.
Then let's just say they're widgets.
What's a widget?
It's a fictional product.
It doesn't matter.
What does it matter?
Tell that to the bank.
Take it easy.
Take it easy.
It's the first thing.
On the board.
You will see a cost analysis for construction of a 30,000-square-foot facility, which will encompass both factory and office space and is fully serviced by all utilities, a railroad spur line, and a four-bay shipping dock.
Hold on.
Why, Bill?
You're better off leasing at a buck and a quarter, a buck and a half a square foot.
Take your down payment and put it into CDs.
Or something else you can roll over every couple of months.
Thank you, Mr.
Melon.
But we'll be concentrating on finance a little later in the term.
For the time being, let's just concentrate on the construction figures, shall we?
You will see the final bottom line requires the factoring in not just the material and construction costs, but also the architect's fees and the costs of land servicing.
Oh, you left out a bunch of stuff.
Oh, really?
Like what, for instance?
Well, first of all, you're going to have to grease the local politicians for the sudden zoning problems that always come up.
Then there's the kickbacks to the carpenters.
And if you plan on using any cement in this building, I'm sure the teams should like to have a little chat with you, and that will cost you.
Oh, and don't forget to have something for the building inspectors.
Then there's a long-term course, such as waste disposal.
I don't know if you are familiar with who runs that business, but I assure you it's not the Boy Scouts.
That'll be quite enough, Mr.
Melon.
Maybe bribes and kickbacks and mafia payoffs are how you do business, but they are not part of the legitimate business world, and they're certainly not part of anything I'm teaching in this class.
Do I make myself clear?
Sorry, just trying to help, that's all.
Now, notwithstanding Mr.
Melon's input, the next question for us is where to build our factory.
How about fantasy land?
I'm not going to be able to do that.
My first class, I did good, huh?
I just think you'd better cool it with Dr.
Barbe.
Dr.
Barbe, you don't know his dick.
Even if he tells him like it ain't.
Yeah, well, you know what he knows how to do?
Flunk it.
Flunk me?
Flunk him.
Great attitude.
Look, do you at least know where your next class is?
Contemporary American History, Professor Turgeson.
Turgeson?
Well, you know him?
Is he good?
Well, he's really committed.
In fact, I think he was.
Just keep your head down.
Keep your mouth shut.
You should be all right.
Well, I'll see you in England.
All right.
Welcome to Contemporary American History.
Hi, Professor Turgeson.
You know, a lot of people think history is just facts.
It's just information about the past, but not me.
I mean, I hold history very sacred.
The way the farmer looks at the earth and he holds it sacred.
The way a Christian takes the Bible and he holds it sacred.
The way a lot of people hold their marriage sacred.
So I feel about it.
So why don't we dive right in by interpreting one of the easiest events in the last 20 years of American history.
Now, can someone tell me why in 1975 we pulled our troops out of Vietnam?
The failure of Vietnamese to impact their support caused an ongoing erosion of confidence in the various American but illegal Saigon regimes.
Is she right?
Because I know that's the popular version of what went on there.
And a lot of people like to believe that.
I wish I could, but I was there.
I wasn't here in a classroom hoping I was right, thinking about it.
I was up to my knees in rice patties with guns, and then we're going up against Charlie, slugging it out with him, while pussies like you were back here partying, putting headbands on, doing drugs, listening to the goddamn Beatles albums.
Ah!
Hey, Professor, take it easy, will you?
I mean, these kids, they were in grade school at the time.
And me, I'm not a fighter, I'm a lover.
Oh, I didn't know you wanted to get involved with the discussion, Mr.
Helper.
But since you want to help, maybe you can help me, okay?
You remember that thing we had about 30 years ago called that Korean conflict?
Yeah, where we failed to achieve victory.
How come we didn't cross the 38th parallel and push those rice eaters back to the Great Wall of China and take the Berkeley Bridge, brick, and the fucking Stone Age River?
How come?
Tell me why?
Say it!
Say it!
All right, I'll say it.
Because Truman was too much of a pussywimp to let MacArthur go in there and blow out those cummy bastards.
Good answer.
Good answer.
I like the way you think.
I'm going to be watching you.
A good teacher.
He really seems to care about what I have no idea.
All right, I'll tell you that.
Hey, buddy, be my guest.
Here's a pen, huh?
Hey, boys, here's a couple of pens in case you learn how to write.
I know you.
Oh, yeah?
Here's a pen.
You do those obnoxious commercials.
You're tall and fat.
Yeah, we are short and ugly.
Give me the pen back, will you?
Here's a pen.
Boys, how are you?
And to brawl to her as a girl, where I was a flower of the mountain.
Yes, when I put the rose in my hair, like the Andalusian girls used.
Or shall I wear red?
Yes.
Yes, yes!
Oh, thanks for the vote of confidence.
I think Joyce is pretty hot, too.
And now that I've got your attention, I'd like to run down the reading list for the semester, so see what else turns you on.
What a woman!
Dad, she is the teacher.
No, I like teachers.
If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
Don't you think maybe you should just take some notes?
Yeah, yeah.
I gave away all my pens.
I'm sorry, I need this back.
And here's a calendar for you.
Hello, Mr.
Melon.
Are you waiting for me?
Yes, I was.
Look, I know I'm only a freshman, but what do you say you and I have dinner tonight?
We could talk about Joyce.
She's my favorite writer.
Well, you're not the usual freshman, but I'm sorry I can't.
The thing is, I'm sort of going somewhere.
Um, where are you going?
That's a good question.
Actually, I'd like to join you, but I have class tonight.
How about tomorrow night?
I have class then, too.
I'll tell you what then.
Why don't you call me sometime when you have no class?
All right.
Maybe I will.
Hello, Philip.
What did he want?
Oh, what do all men want?
He wants you to dress up as a Wonder Woman, tie him up with a golden lariat and force him to tell the truth.
No, just dinner, Philip.
They can tell us of Thornton Melon.
Certainly not.
I've been doing a great deal of thinking lately.
I've been thinking about us.
And?
I think we should start thinking about forming a, well, a...
A merger?
A merger.
Exactly, exactly.
A merger, a partnership.
Seriously, Diane, we're both intelligent, well-educated adults.
We should be together, incorporated, if you will.
Look at the balance sheet.
We were made for one another.
Oh, Phillip, you darling.
I don't want to be merged or incorporated.
I want to have fun and be romanced and be loved.
So let's not rush into anything.
Let's just start by having fun, okay?
Okay.
So that clip was literally just the highlight reel of the film.
That would be the section of the film that I would show everybody when I want to talk about how great Back to School is, is that.
Exactly.
And that's also the end of the first 30 minutes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And that's a perfect spot, really, to be at at the end of your first 30 minutes, because that was all gold, all of-
Every piece of that was just gold.
It's danger field at its peak, for sure.
Yeah.
Shakespeare for everyone.
And you, honey, I want to team your shrew.
Just generally, he's genuinely creepy, but at the same time, really charming with it, because he's overtly like, hey, this is who I am, you know what I mean?
Exactly.
I mean, it's just fucking hilarious.
It's great.
It's just a great opening 30 minutes of a movie here.
Just to let Rodney be Rodney.
A lot of it is based on some of his old school stand up as well, because he always had jokes about being unhappy in a marriage, being through a bunch of different marriages, and that sort of thing.
I mean, that was just basically his style of stand up.
So it just basically is an extrapolated story of what Dangerfield used to joke like his life was like anyway when he was on stage, where he would get no respect.
We're literally seeing him get no respect through the whole of the film, except from his son who loves him, even though his son doesn't really give him some respect.
The only person that really respects him is Lou, and that's because he's paying Lou to protect him and respect him.
Well, it also sounds like Lou and him are friends, so.
Yeah, I think Lou has been his buddy that stepped in whenever Dangerfield's mouth has written some checks that his body can't catch.
Exactly.
Lou's that bank.
Lou's there to take care of some problems.
Right.
That's how Lou's there for is, when you got a mouth like Dangerfield's character, you need a Lou around.
Yeah, right.
That's why Matt has a frenzy.
That's that's right.
Jesus Christ.
Usually the ground fight.
I've never been pounded by anything except for the ground.
And your spouse.
My spouse.
Well, yeah, but I'd like it when she does that.
Let's move on to the next 30.
I paid double for that kind of action.
Yeah, we all know shut up.
Anyway.
All right.
So the next 30, it's time to go diving.
Everyone's practicing in the get.
I put it in the notes.
How is it fall?
But now they're diving in sun.
It's weird.
So then everyone's kind of going through it.
This son's practicing and he talks to the coach.
And that is our next clip.
What's the guy your age doing here with these kids?
I'm looking for the fountain of a middle age.
What's your story?
I'm setting a new record for the most consecutive losses by a diving coach in this conference.
Hey, remember, hold that pike longer.
Are you a kid?
Yeah.
Who coached him in high school?
Yours truly.
So where did you learn how to dive?
Atlantic City.
The Steel Pier.
I was in a water show.
I used to open for the diving horse.
You're kidding.
I'm from Jersey.
Yeah, I frankly spent my entire life on that pier growing up.
You know, there was a guy who did the most amazing dive called the Triple Lindy.
The hardest dive I've ever seen in my life.
Now, who was that guy?
Yours truly.
You're kidding.
I don't joke about dives.
Especially that one.
It almost killed me.
Boy, you were something else.
Hey, can your kid do that dive?
Ah, nobody can.
It's too dangerous.
You know, he tried out for the team last semester.
He didn't do that good.
Oh, not that good, huh?
Watch this.
Jason, do the two and a half.
Not bad.
My man Melon.
Come on, man.
It's a pep rally for the football team of the union.
Let's go over there.
Whoa, what is this?
All right, me and Standish and Redding are doing the anti-pep rally.
You know, we're pointing out that violent ground acquisition games such as football is in fact a crypto-fascist metaphor for nuclear war.
Well, it sounds like a lot of laughs, but I'm supposed to meet my dad here and in fact, he's supposed to be here already.
Okay, well, if you change your mind, pal, you don't have to change my mind.
I'll seek psychiatric help.
I do love that Keith Gordon's character gets a couple of lines that are very much like, oh, he's definitely Dangerfield's kid.
Like, yeah, seek mental health.
So in the library, the kid in his crush flirt a little bit.
And then at a bar, Thornton's getting some beers and is getting trash and the same with the band and everyone's having a good time and his kid shows up and say, Hey, remember, we're supposed to study.
He goes, Oh yeah, Robert Downey Jr.'s character shows up and everyone's just having a good time.
And then the football players show up and they're covered in paint because of what Robert Downey Jr.
and his buddies did.
So the Billy Bully sends the pissed off football players their way.
And he's going to want to start a fight.
It run danger fields.
Hey, why is everyone settled down?
And he goes, Why?
You have a problem with it?
He goes, Oh, I don't get angry.
I get uncomfortable.
And when I get uncomfortable, Lou gets angry and then Lou crushes a fucking napkin holder.
And then Lou goes up to him and picks a fucking fight.
It starts whooping his ass.
Yeah, Polly from Rocky is finally doing some fucking brawling in a bar in this film.
We've wanted all along since he showed up as the driver and talked tough.
Yeah, yeah.
We've wanted to see him do this for like the whole fucking movie.
It's a great scene of all of them kind of just watching Lou beat the shit out of everyone.
And they're all drinking at different spots.
They have a good time there.
This is one of my favorite comedy bar fight scenes from the 80s.
Like it's it's up there.
It's like top five for sure.
Oh, definitely, definitely.
We cut to class the next day in our next clip.
You look terrible.
No, I'm all right.
It's Lou I'm worried about.
He may lose his trigger finger.
Well, serves you guys right.
Why did you have to take on the whole football team?
They're not that tough.
The football team at my high school, they were tough.
After they sacked the quarterback, they went after his family.
This morning, we're going to look at the great Gatsby by F.
Scott Fitzgerald.
Mr.
Melon, how would you characterize the great Gatsby?
Who, him?
No, you.
Me?
Well, the great Gatsby, he was...
great.
See me after class, Mr.
Melon.
I mean, please, try to understand.
I don't have the background for this.
I mean, the high school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity.
He threw the teacher out the window.
I know what I need.
I need a tutor.
Hey, what do you say?
Come on.
Well, you got some spare time.
All right, Mr.
Melon, I have some spare time this evening.
Why don't you come around about 7?
I'll give you my address.
Thanks.
Please be on time.
I'll be on time.
What penmanship.
Everywhere the ceremony of innocence is drowned.
The best lack of conviction, while the worst are full of passionate intensity.
There's a lot of other stuff here.
Yates goes on and on, and here's the finish.
What?
Rough Beast.
It's how it come round at last.
Schlosser's told Bethlehem to be born.
What did that make you think of?
Rough Beast.
My ex-wife.
Well, it's one interpretation, not the right one, but it's a start.
Surely a man of your age and experience must have read some of the things on my list.
What about Macbeth?
I saw the movie.
Orson Welles.
Great actor.
Big actor.
He was a tall and fat customer for years.
How about Cat on a Hot Tin Roof?
I saw the movie.
Burr Lives.
Great actor.
Extra Stout.
He was a customer, too.
Street Girl named Desire.
Great movie.
Marlon Brando.
I'll tell you, he wasn't that big then, but he ballooned up nicely.
I'd say pound for pound our finest American actor.
Don't you ever read?
Read?
Who has time?
I see the movie.
I'm in and out in two hours.
Oh, Thornton, don't you see?
The reason you want to read these works is so you can experience them for yourself.
So you can share the thoughts and feelings of the writer without the interference of your actor and director and professor's point of view getting in the way.
To truly share and understand the common feelings of all mankind, the feelings of being alive.
That was beautiful.
I understand what you're saying, too.
I'm glad that makes me feel good.
I got an idea.
Let's keep talking over dinner.
I'm supposed to meet someone for dinner.
I could cancel, though.
I guess.
I mean, we are working, after all.
I mean, you can't work on an empty stomach.
You can't concentrate when you're hungry.
I don't know.
I really shouldn't.
I have so many things to do.
Oh, come on.
I'll help you.
I'll take out the garbage.
I'll do the dishes.
I'll do your nails.
I'll do your hair.
You have no idea what I want to do.
I'll call him.
I'll dial it.
I think I'm attracted to teachers.
I took out an English teacher.
That didn't work out at all.
I sent her a love letter.
She corrected it.
Oh, great company.
Those two ought to get a room.
Really?
Actually, I was married twice.
My first wife, Jason's mother.
I really loved her.
We had a good thing going, you know.
She passed away about ten years ago.
After that, I, I don't know, I screwed around for a few years.
I really went nuts.
I married Vanessa.
I was just lonely, I guess.
I don't know.
Is that over now?
Oh, we were doomed from the start.
I'm an earth sign, she's a water sign.
Together we made mud.
Oh, I picked up beauty.
And she played around too.
When she said I do, I should have said with who.
So are you giving up on women?
I don't know.
I can't figure women out.
Today they're independent.
They only think about themselves.
But during sex, Vanessa, she used to scream out her own name.
I think it's the men who are different.
Ever since the women's movement, most of the men I meet go out of their way to show you how sensitive they are.
Well, they were too macho, and now they're too soft.
You all want us to know you can cry.
No, with women, I never cry, I never...
I beg.
If we finish this bottle of wine, you won't have to beg.
Diane.
Oh.
Oh, Philip.
We were supposed to go to dinner.
I just had dinner.
I don't believe this.
Maybe it's a dream.
Good night, Philip.
You do a good job.
What are you charged for big cars?
I had a lot of fun, Thornton.
Me too.
And thanks for the lesson, I...
I learned a lot.
You're welcome.
I did too.
Well, I...
Well, I...
I guess this is good night.
All right, well, they bone.
Later at the dorm, we find out the kid makes the swim team, and then telling his dad that he's got to buckle down because midterms are coming up.
Then we get a cool scene where Rodney Dangerfield, from one of his classes, is supposed to watch Three Monkeys while they watch videos.
In the very end of it, you know, he starts making phone calls.
He's got the monkeys watching, wrestling and eating pizza.
It's okay, they're taking a break.
It's okay, they're taking a break.
Then we're back in class, and that is our next clip.
In 1971, the United States accumulated deficit greater than the supply of gold the country held.
In that year, Richard Nixon took the United States off the gold standard.
In doing so, he disrupted the entire international monetary system.
What is that clicking noise?
Are you a student in this class?
Ah, no.
Who are you?
I'm Marge Sweetwater, Mr.
Thornton Melon's private secretary.
What are you doing here?
Oh, I'm taking notes for Mr.
Melon.
He told you to write down everything I said?
Yes, he did.
Take this down.
I'm sorry.
Mr.
Melon, no matter what you do, no matter what stunts you pull, no matter how hard you try, you will never, ever pass this course.
Make sure he gets that.
Yes, sir.
Hey, make it an A.
Where's the lab report on psychology?
It's too light.
It feels like a C.
Bulk it up and add a few multicolored graphs.
Yo, Dad.
Jason, hold it, will you?
Listen, everybody, let's see A's across the board.
I'll tell you what, a 10% bonus for every grade over B, and an A plus gets you a free trip to Hawaii.
Off season.
Dad, what's going on here?
I'm doing my homework.
No, no, no, they're doing your homework.
Jason, a good executive knows how to delegate authority.
Yeah, I took care of you, too.
And what's this?
Your astronomy report.
What's wrong with you?
What's wrong with you?
I want to write that paper.
I'm gonna write that paper.
See, that's why I'm taking astronomy, is to learn something.
You're never gonna learn a goddamn thing if you've got people doing your work for you.
Oh, never mind.
Kids, they always do things the hard way.
And that's the end of that 30 minutes before we go to the final 30.
All right, so having his dad be in there and getting to be the center of attention and showing him how easy it is to be a college student at his very advanced age, let's just say, is starting to wear on the sun, right?
And Keith Gordon has to play the brat in this scenario.
He just has to.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, and this dad's not taking college very seriously at all.
No, he's partying it up and he's just basically having a midlife crisis at his son's expense by stealing his son's glory at being a college student.
His son has every right to be a little upset.
I mean, if his dad was actually doing what he promised and doing it to keep Jason doing it as well.
Yeah, I mean, it did start right.
He was doing it to keep his son in school.
Right.
His heart was in the right place when he started, but he's Thornton fucking Melon who can't help himself and automatically starts partying because he's in that stage in his life.
He's a success.
He doesn't need to work hard at things and he's not used to having to do things for himself anymore.
Yeah, that is also true.
Yeah, it's actually story-wise pretty well written in that aspect of it.
The fact that it takes place in all of these different periods where sometimes it's cold and sometimes it's not, and sometimes it's the fall and sometimes it's not.
I mean, sometimes it's like fall sports where there's football and then sometimes it's not.
Yeah, right.
Yeah, exactly.
And then it's summertime.
Right.
We're not sure exactly when this is taking place or how this is working, and that part of it doesn't really matter.
The through line is the story of Rodney Dangerfield's character realizing that he screwed up by not going to college as a kid, basically like what his father wanted.
The minute he said the same words to his son that his father told him, he goes and decides to join the school.
He gets through all of this stuff.
And at some point, he starts to revert back to the sort of childish version of himself.
And like the secretary taking notes for him is just absolutely hilarious.
I actually believe watching it this time that Keith Gordon busting up laughing like that.
I thought that was actually the actor just losing his shit because he can't keep it straight with her right next to him.
Could be too, you never know.
Well, I mean, if you look at it, like she's not even barely doing anything.
And I think she's just busting him up and like, he can't keep it like under control with her there.
I think he's just like losing it.
And it's not just because I mean, and it works for his character.
So it's totally fine.
Because I mean, Thornton Melon's kid would be there laughing his ass off at this because he knew it was going to happen.
You know, he would have somewhat of a devil may care attitude about it.
Right.
Yeah, he would just laugh that this was going on.
And it just seemed to me like that that lady was just so on because she is so fucking funny that she plays that role so perfectly of that, like, super innocent lady that's always outraged by everything.
I mean, she was she was awesome in Ferris Bueller's Day Off.
Right.
Right.
She's just perfect for those kinds of roles.
Absolutely.
And just having that British guy like menace the shit out of her while Keith Gordon is just laughing his ass off is one of the funnier scenes that doesn't have Dangerfield in it.
Yeah, it is.
Yeah.
Shows this movie has a lot of people in it who are pretty awesome.
Yeah, we can move on.
I just wanted to I know this is going to be a little bit longer of an episode, probably than what we've been doing on Al Adams.
And that's fine.
But I just wanted to fan out a little bit because we haven't really taken the time to do that.
We're trying to squeeze through it.
Yeah.
Right.
Yeah.
And then fan out.
But yeah, let's go ahead and let's go ahead and close out the last 30 or last half or third or whatever that you got.
All right.
So it's meat day and the kid sees his crush and he invites her to his dad's party that night.
But she has a date.
Then the bully tells the kid that his dad paid to get him on the team, which gets into the kid's head.
Ronnie sees the teacher and he asked her to come to the party.
But she also has a date with the with the stuffy dude, the kid, because it's all in his head and he sees his dad talking to the coach, tanks his dive.
Then we cut to a frat party, which is, I'm assuming, a Halloween party, and it is just dead.
There is no one there because everyone's at the melons party, so they all decide to go.
And it is an epic rager, but the son is not having a good time.
He's drunk, he's just kind of...
The teachers drive up and she wants to check out the party, so she goes inside and she catches Rodney Dazierfield, a hot tub full of ladies.
The kid's crush finds him, and he freaks out on her a little bit and kind of scolds her about all the shit.
Then Billy comes over and gets in his face, and so the kid punches his bully right in the face.
The dad finds his son, and that's our next clip.
I was looking for you.
Hey, come here.
Where are you going?
Where am I going?
I'm leaving school, dad.
I mean, one of us has got to go.
You're having such a great time.
I'm getting out.
Why?
I don't get it.
Because you didn't win the diving meet?
No, not because I didn't win, because I shouldn't even have been there.
Chas told me you bribed the coach to put me on the team real good.
What?
And you believed him.
Jason, I've never lied to you in my life.
I didn't bribe the coach.
You're on the team because you deserve it.
You made it on your own.
You don't get it.
Everything I have is because of you.
And because of you, I get my astronomy homework done for me by NASA.
I just want the best for you.
That's all I ever wanted.
I did it all for you.
I know, but you don't know when to quit.
I know you came up here to help me, and I really appreciate it, and it's really sweet, and it's really not working.
Can't you just let me do something for myself?
I just want to see you happy, that's all.
Well, take a good look.
Because I was a lot happier when I was miserable.
I enjoyed reading that, Susan.
Thanks.
Nice improvement, thank you.
By Anne, why did you fail me?
I didn't, Thornton, you failed me.
What, is it because of last night?
No, I can accept the fact that you're completely regressed emotionally, but you're not gonna pass my course by turning in someone else's work.
What do you think, someone else wrote this?
Look, all I know is that you didn't, and that's what disappoints me.
Tell you something else, whoever did write it doesn't know the first thing about Kurt Vonnegut.
And another thing, Vonnegut, I'm gonna stop payment on a check.
What's that?
Fuck me.
Hey Kurt, you read lips, fuck you.
Next time I'll call Robert Ludlum.
Derrick, have you seen Jason?
Uh, I think he's on a three-state killing spree.
Oh, here's some more potentially bad news.
Dean Martin wants to see you in his office right away.
Dean Martin.
And she said, let's do it.
The room's already paid for.
Oh, golly.
Uh, I'm afraid we have a potentially unpleasant situation on our hands here.
Phil, would you repeat to Mr.
Melon the allegations that you've made to me?
It's clear the work you've handed in is not your own.
I'm accusing you of academic fraud.
Oh, it is such an ugly word, considering the financial generosity that Mr.
Melon has shown towards our fine university here.
I think Mr.
Melon should be expelled.
What are you going to do about it?
Well, Thornton, I'm only going to ask you this one time.
Is the work that you turned in your own?
I can't lie to you, Dean Martin.
Yes, it is.
I'm satisfied.
I'm outraged.
Well, gee whiz, Phil.
I just asked him, and the word was yes.
He said yes.
Now, what do you want me to do?
Torture him?
I suggest a comprehensive oral examination conducted by all of Mr.
Melon's professors.
Oral examination?
Yes.
If you've done the work you say you have, there should be no problem, should there?
Hey, Chase.
Hey, Lou.
How you doing?
Come here.
I want to tell you something.
What?
You were pretty hard on your father last night.
Oh, I know, I know.
But the guy doesn't understand, you know?
Yeah, I know your pop 30 years.
He understands.
He's a nice guy.
And he's tough.
Like me.
I'm nice and I'm tough.
I'll give you an idea of what I mean.
My two boys, I put one through college, and the other I put through a wall.
Your papa loves you.
He's looking out for you.
Look out for him.
What's going on?
I'm leaving.
I'm sorry, Jason, this college thing was a big mistake.
So you're gonna give up?
I can't win.
They want me to take oral exams on all my subjects.
If I don't take them, they're gonna kick me out.
And if I take them, who knows where they'll kick me.
Hey, Dad, you remember what you told me when I told you I wanted to quit, huh?
You told me that a man without an education is nothing.
I can't do it, Jason.
You can do anything you want to do.
You can do anything you want in life.
Remember, you're a melon.
Don't quit, I'll help you.
All right.
So now we have a study montage, which is all just kind of funny stuff of them tried to get him.
So he's studying 24-7.
Yeah.
A lot of it is pretty ridiculous and a little cartoonish, and it's old school style of joke, but it works with what they're doing.
It works perfectly.
Yeah, it's totally cartoonish, but it's awesome.
Yeah.
Then it's time for the exam, and that is our next clip.
Before we begin, I would just like to thank each and every professor here for taking time out of his slash her extremely busy season.
And a special thanks, of course, to Mr.
Thornton Melon, who I do not have to remind anyone, is the donor of our new Melon School of Business.
We're wasting time.
Sorry, Phil.
Mr.
Melon, you'll have three hours to complete the examination.
If you fail any part of it, you will be expelled.
Mr.
Melon, do you understand?
The Council of Trent.
Excuse me?
I missed a question.
We haven't begun yet.
Well, Dr.
Barbe, I suppose you're up first.
I have only one question for Mr.
Melon.
In twenty-seven parts.
I like to break in twenty-seven parts.
Excuse me?
Nothing, nothing.
Discuss the foundations of modern global business systems.
Part one.
Define and differentiate the three economic philosophies of capitalism, socialism and communism as pertains to A.
Management fundamentals, B.
Organizing and staffing, C.
Labor management, and D.
Production and operations.
Part two.
Are you getting all this, Mr.
Melon?
Yeah, it's a piece of cake.
Jason?
I wanted to apologize for the other night, my behavior and the things I said.
And the thank you for your behavior and the things you said.
I'm really sorry.
And I'm really in love with you, and I really have been for a very long time, and I can't believe I'm saying this.
I don't want to embarrass you or make you feel uncomfortable with me, but I've been needing to tell you this for a very long time.
Um, are you aware that that's the most you've ever said to me at one time?
Oh, except, of course, for the time you were raving me drunk.
I love you too.
In response to Roman numeral 27, section three, part two of subset D of the question, the answer is...
Mr.
Melon?
Hey, hey, hey, hey, relax.
This man's been put under a lot of pressure here.
Let's take it easy on it.
The answer is four.
Here, Dr.
Turner.
Hold it.
That's it.
I can't take it no more.
I feel like I just gave birth to an accountant.
Thornton, do you remember when we discussed the Dylan Thomas poem, do not go gentle into that good night?
I don't know, no, maybe.
Thornton, think.
What's going on here?
Philip, relax, it's my turn.
Do you remember it?
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Old age should burn in rage at close of day.
Rage, rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Wild men who caught in saying the sun in flight and learned too late.
They grieved it on its way.
Thor, what does that poem mean to you?
It means I don't take shit from Noah.
I'm gonna pass this test.
I'm staying in school.
Who's next?
Outdiving the Atlantic Eastern Eagles, current conference champion, Doug Nelson.
You know what you almost never see?
Somebody heckling a diver.
Let me include that last part because he plays a horn, heckles a diver.
So yeah, we're at a meet now, and Billy, he has a shit dive, only gets sixes, and then the son gets up there, and he does an awesome dive, and then it's gonna be the bullies turn, and if he does well enough, then they'll win this competition, but he pulls some shit because he gets nervous and says he has a cramp.
So Thornton, he decides he'll dive, and he hits the triple wind, he does that, and they win their dive thing.
And then the teacher, the lady teacher shows up and tells him that he passed all the exams with all these and 1A from her.
And then this all leads to graduation and our final clip.
This is the first time in the history of this fine institution that a freshman has given this address.
Mr.
Thornton Melon.
Thank you very much, thank you.
Thank you, Dean Martin, President Sinclair, and members of the graduating class.
I have only one thing to say to you today.
It's a jungle out there.
You gotta look out for number one, but don't step on number two.
And so, to all you graduates, as you go out into the world, my advice to you is, don't go.
It's rough out there.
Move back with your parents.
Let them worry about it.
Roll credits.
Holy shit.
Year 10 is off to a great start with Back to School.
We could talk about this for hours upon hours.
We could do a commentary over this film, but I really kind of wanted to give it a breakdown, no treatment.
Just because we've been talking about it forever, we might as well do it up the way that we would do any other movie, right?
Yeah, right.
I actually forgot just how much the Triple Lindy as a dive, even then as a child watching it looked fake to me, and even more so.
You can see all the seams when you're seeing this in high definition as opposed to shitty VHS or shitty HBO broadcast on 480p, maybe 480, no, 4DI max TV resolution that looks horrible.
The film looked much better when you're a kid on TV, and that stuff was a lot more believable.
The more resolution you get, the more you can see the seams.
It's still fun.
It's still silly.
The dialogue stuff that we talked about, that 11-minute-ish clip, it's just like the highlight reel of all the best stuff of Rodney Dangerfield just delivering quips and being Dangerfield, that's the highlight of the film for sure.
And I do love the little aside that they even kind of have Keith Gordon's character doing as well, where he's totally Rodney Dangerfield's kid, you know?
Yeah, yeah.
It's pretty well done.
And for an 80s flick, I think it's actually pretty decent, other than the glaring stuff that you pointed out, like the seasons change more often than Derek's outfits do.
Yeah, right?
It's just, it's insane.
Yeah, totally.
And when we get to my movie next week, I'm just going to tell everybody, I think that the character that Robert Downey Jr.
plays in my movie next week is essentially Derek Allgrownup.
It's the same guy.
Yeah, I think so.
Yeah.
It's pretty much the same guy in next week's movie.
Yeah, yeah.
All right.
Well, I don't really have a whole lot.
I mean, we could sit here and talk about how amazing we think this film is, but we did it while we're talking about it.
We did it before we even covered this film.
I mean, I'm good if you want to try and tell the storytime.
Let's do it.
All right.
So we're going to take a break now, and from the soundtrack of this film, the song, I'll Never Forget You from Philip Ingram.
And immediately following that, we'll have that storytime.
All right, so that is I'll Never Forget Your Face from Philip Ingram, which is definitely featured in the movie as well.
Yes.
I hate to really interrupt that song, but not really, because I wasn't really enjoying it.
And I really want to hear the fact that you're lucky to be alive in our next story time.
Storytime.
Yesterday, I celebrated and I was having fun with friends.
And my wife wanted to take a walk to the park that's near our house.
So we all did that with a bunch of us.
And my dumb ass got on a swing.
And you ever know, you know, you used to swing, swing, and then jump off the swing up there, landing your feet, yay?
Yeah.
I took a header doing that, crunched and landed right on my head.
No, no give, no, no.
I didn't brace myself with it, brace my body with my head.
So we get home and make sure I'm not fucked up, you know, dying or anything.
And I go to bed and I wake up this morning and my head is now so swollen.
And I'm starting to actually feel a little fucked up.
I'm starting to feel it a little bit now.
I haven't been for a while.
So I'm monitoring that because if it gets worse, I'm going to have to go to the ER tonight.
I look really bad.
Like I probably should be going to the doctors.
It looks really bad.
I'm actually a little scared.
I don't know.
I don't know.
There you go.
There's my story time, guys.
Don't take a header off of swings.
You're too bold for the park.
Stay away from the park with you this old.
All right.
There's no reason to go to the park.
Do you want to not keep recording so you can go to the doctor?
Now we can keep going at home yet.
So, OK, we can.
I'm going to be all right.
I'm going to be all right.
OK, I just wanted to make sure I wanted to offer that.
Yeah, I'll let you know if I start like feeling really, really off.
But, I mean, I did massively hurt my head.
So even if it's not something serious, I'm not going to feel like 100 percent.
I'm going to feel like shit.
So it's just how it is.
And the soft tissue damage is going to make you really feel awful for a while, too.
Yeah, yeah.
So I've got a nice pack here that I'm constantly putting on my head and then taking off for a little bit and then put it back.
So hopefully that helps with the swelling.
All right.
So I'm going to record with you to keep monitoring you until your wife gets home.
And then if we need to get you to a doctor, we will get you to a doctor.
Otherwise, we'll just keep going because Jesus Christ, that's dedication, my man.
All right.
So we're going to take the break here.
We're going to play the show Housekeeping, and we're going to come back with, I shit you not, Michael Bolton had a 80s hairband that I didn't know about that was actually featured in this show.
Michael Bolton.
Yeah, Michael Bolton.
Yeah.
Look at that.
Yeah.
And that's going to be coming up with the song, Everybody's Crazy, which was featured in the frat party that had nobody in it.
That's where the Michael Bolton song was featured, and that will be immediately following that.
If you've decided you can't get enough of the show, and would like to check out more of it, we're available at legionpodcasts.com.
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The easiest place to go is to subscribe to our Instagram feed, which is our main meme repository at cinema-PsyOps.
Or you could also follow the Facebook page of CinemaPsyOps because they are immediately posted there, after they get posted to the Instagram repository.
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I am available on Facebook as CortPsyOps because the memes are also shared there as well.
Thanks for listening to the show.
I still can't believe that you're subscribed to us or here every week just like us.
That is definitely Michael Bolton's voice.
You can hear it in there.
Yeah, that is definitely, yeah.
All right, so everybody, much like the actual movie itself, we're now leaving the song that was being played at the lame frat party, and we're moving on to the song from Oingo Boingo Dead Man's Party, featured in the Thornton Melon party of all time rangers in this film.
So enjoy that while you kick the fuck out of this week and make it your bitch.
Tell me more about this possible horrible concussion that you might have.
Well, I don't think I have concussion because I have no symptoms of concussion.
I don't have any-
Recording in progress.
Like, there's no dizziness, my eyesight's fine.
You know, I don't have an upset stomach or a queasy feeling.
The only time I get queasy is when I actually fucking see my fucking forehead and it seems like I should be in the hospital.
Because it's all swollen.
Yeah, it looks horrific.
It looks like how I didn't get a concussion, I'll never know.
Unless I got one, but it's just, I don't know.
You can't tell the difference because your brain is that damaged anyway, as my guess.
Pretty much.
That's what I always thought.
Well, thanks for-
Listen, I think over years of alcohol abuse has probably helped me out on this one.
Well, thanks for doing this show with a possible concussion or worse from the night before, you know.
Yeah, this is going to be epic.
This could be great.
See, none of this would have happened if I was just sitting at the fucking bar.
I would have pretended that I could go on swing set still in my mid 40s.
We'll save it for the actual story time.
I guess in the story time.
Yeah.
All right.
Our year 10 theme is not going to actually isn't created just yet.
I'm going to have to do it before these episodes go out.
So, but I'm just going to basically come in and do the actual episode intro from here for year 10.
Okay.
All right.
All right.
Everything's rolling.
This is recording two.
Yes.
Okay.
So three, two, one.
The next day in class, or, and then dad finds.
So enjoy that while you kick the fuck out of this weekend, make it your bitch.
You know, I go bling, I don't have to keep playing that for you.
We can take a quick break here.
All right, let me go ahead and stop the recording.
Well, cool.
Recording stopped.