Subscribe
Share
Share
Embed
For over 25 years Proverbs 31 Ministries' mission has been to intersect God's Word in the real, hard places we all struggle with. That's why we started this podcast. Every episode will feature a variety of teachings from president Lysa TerKeurst, staff members or friends of the ministry who can teach you something valuable from their vantage point. We hope that regardless of your age, background or stage of life, it's something you look forward to listening to each month!
Kaley Olson: Hi friends. Thanks for tuning into the Proverbs 31 Ministries Podcast, where we share biblical truth for any girl in any season. I'm your host, Kaley Olson, and I'm here today with my co host, Meredith Brock. And Meredith, you're gonna give us a sneak peek.
Meredith Brock: We just recorded such an interesting episode with our friend, Bridget Van Zyl, all about parenting and really remembering that you are raising a kingdom adult.
Kaley Olson: Such a perspective shift.
Meredith Brock: It really is. Especially when you, Kales, you're in the thick of it with, you know, a three year old and a seven month old. It's so hard to picture them as kingdom adults when you are changing their diapers.
Kaley Olson: I agree.
And I changed a big one yesterday. Like, my thumb was covered in it. Oh my gosh. I hope somebody listening got a really good laugh out of that.
Meredith Brock: I did. I did.
Kaley Olson: You're probably thinking about, oh, yeah. I know exactly what she was talking about. It was one of those moments where I was like But it's hard to picture them as a kingdom adult. What do I do?
Yes. He is gonna be a kingdom adult today. Not today, but one day. But what is, really cool about today's episode is that Bridget is giving away a free audio book for all our listeners. And what a gift to the moms out there who are listening.
And so no matter what stage of parenting you find yourself in, or if you're not a parent, but know someone who is and needs some encouragement, you should absolutely send them this podcast episode because it includes a link to download Bridget's audiobook, Wired to Parent, for free.
Meredith Brock: So generous. I hope that you guys enjoy that. But let's dive in to today's episode.
Kaley Olson: Okay. Well, we are so excited to welcome our friend, Bridget Van Zyl, to the show today. Welcome, Bridget.
Bridget Van Zyl: Thank you so much.
Meredith Brock: Bridget, we are so excited to have you here. We know you are an author of the book Wired to Parent, but you are also a very busy lady.
You've got lots going on in your life. So, Bridget, why don't you tell our listeners a little bit about yourself?
Bridget Van Zyl: Thank you so much. It's an honor to be here. I am married, and I have four wonderful children who are all married to Southerners.
So we are very southern family except for the accent. And I have three adorable granddaughters. And, so that's my personal life. I've been married to my husband Dion for 39 years this year.
And I am involved with Brilliant Perspectives, my husband and I. And, my primary function is to do online coaching with parents and also empty nester coaching. And, as I've got into the so I'm very passionate about family. That is my my I've been passionate about family since I was in high school. I was very aware of that.
I felt the Lord gave it to me at a young age. And so being able to write a book and do coaching now and as well as international coaching for, those who are on a different stage of life, I find so much fulfillment. Itis not just because that is what I’m called to do. I think my joy is finding people coming to their place of peace and finding their identity. And, we also have an online church at Brilliant Perspectives, and so last year in January we began small groups.
And so one of my other functions at the Brilliant Perspectives is to manage all the community in the church and training of the small group leaders and helping with the curriculum and just keeping community going amongst the church. Because it's a it's an online church. It's global. We have about 28 countries, and all states are represented on our in our church.
So it's it's a busy life, but very, very fulfilling.
Kaley Olson: Yeah. You are a busy lady. Thank you so much for taking the time for us today. On behalf of our listeners, I know everybody is wondering, where is Bridget from?
Because she sounds awesome. So can you answer that question first?
Bridget Van Zyl: Yes. Well, I was born in South Africa, but my parents were British.
And so I was raised very much in the British culture in South Africa. My mom was, my mom and dad and my grandparents are all from England. And then in, 1994, we actually moved here, my husband and I, with three children, which was quite a journey as you can imagine. But, so my my most of my parenting has been done here, obviously. My oldest is 36 tomorrow, actually, and then my youngest is turning 26 in August.
So I have that, number all of most of my parenting has been done in America and mostly all in the South. We've lived in Georgia that whole time.
Kaley Olson: There you go. Well, we're not too far from each other. Well, thank you for telling us because I feel like that's really helpful for our listeners to have context.
But, Bridget, you're here on the show today because like you said, you are a very experienced parent for children who are now, parents themselves and doing, coaching for parents. I know that you have have encouragement for those of us who are in the trenches. Me and Meredith are right there in the trenches.
Meredith Brock: Yes we are.
Kaley Olson: Five kids between both of us between, what, 13 and seven months?
Which is crazy. And I know, we represent a large majority of our audience who are listening right now thinking, somebody help bring perspective to my parenting. And so, Bridget, we are really looking forward to hearing the message you're going to share with us today. So why don't you take it away?
Bridget Van Zyl: Great. Thank you. Well, I feel very honored to be able to contribute to this, and so thank you again for the opportunity. I would love the listeners today to just to take a breath and relax. And, my prayer has been, as I prepared for this, is that as you prepared for this, is that as you listen and leave the podcast today, that you'll leave with hope and encouragement and just a new perspective of parenting.
And congratulations for parent for being a parent. You know, these days, so many people are choosing not to have children because they are just, overwhelmed with this what's going on in society or they feel like they can't afford it. And sadly, the the the growth the birth rate is actually declining in America specifically and actually in certain other countries as well. So congratulations for being, willing to be a parent and to keep the the birth rate going in America and your contribution wherever you are. It is a very high calling to be a parent, and I don't think people always see it as a high calling.
But congratulations, and I really do pray that this will be, an encouragement for you today. So as I've got older, I've actually got to enjoy gardening, which I maybe as close I have a little bit more time than when I had my kids at home. So I have, got into gardening, and one of my good friends is actually a master gardener of Georgia. And, I love having her over to help me with my my plants and my beds and my garden because I she's just so passionate about it. She loves she knows everything.
At night, she reads books about plants. She does lectures of plants at our local universities and, she is just passionate. That's her love language as it were. And, I will have her over and I'll say, well, you know, could I plant this over here and what do you think? Do you think this plant is dead?
Maybe I should pull it away. And, you know, first of all, she's always so relaxed about it, which I just love. And she'll like, you know what? Let's just give it time. It will it will just, you know, take time.
Maybe, you know, give it a bit of water, and she gives me a bit of advice. And sure enough, almost every time, that plant comes back to life again. And especially in winter, I had all these plants that looked very brown and dead, and I said, should I just pull them out to neaten up the beds for winter? And she's like, no, no, no. Let's give it time.
It's doing its work below the soil, and you will see it. Let's see what happens in spring, and then we can really evaluate. And I love how confident she is about that and she's never phased about anything. And you know, I realized that our heavenly father is our master gardener as we are parenting. He gives each of us our children which are like plants, and it is he he very specifically not only creates a plant, but he gives the perfect parent to take care of that plant.
So the moment you had that baby, you were actually fully when you that baby was actually conceived, you as a parent were fully equipped to to raise that specific plant. And he's designed the plant perfectly and equipped you to be that parent to nurture and care for this plant. He entrusts us with extraordinary seed seedlings, which he has already given a DNA to. And it we can't change that because the blueprint is already written. If you're given a plant, you're not gonna change the name of it.
But our calling as parents is to observe and discern what plant have we got and how that child or that plant is created and designed, what environment that child needs, and then we partner with the master gardener to raise that child. So good news. You're not doing it on your own. You have a master gardener with you. Like I have my friend that comes and helps me or I'll send her pictures and she just immediately gives me an advice or what's going on.
But most of the time, she just really encourages me that I'm doing a great job, and that's how the father wants to be with us. He wants to be a partner with us in every step of the way. If you, for example, are given an oak tree, you're going to parent that child very differently because it needs a very strong root foundation. You're going to be very, determined with that child. If you have a vine, you that just kind of rambles along its own.
It takes its own way. You can't you don't you just need to love it and nurture it and give it the the environment and nutrition that it needs. But if you have a sunflower, they can just grow anywhere. Literally, they will just spring up in the middle of a compost heap. They'll spring up in a, field that's got nothing else around it, and it needs space.
So you might have a child like that. And so you may also in your within your children, you may have a variety of plants. Just because you and your husband created this child, the father and mother of the child, doesn't mean that all your plants are gonna be the same. So you may have you may be raising an oak tree and you might be raising a vine and a sunflower. And, of course, that's challenging because each of them needs a different environment and a different, different type of nutrition.
And so this is an amazing journey of collaboration with the the master gardener, the holy spirit and father, and the child and you. So that's a teamwork that you do together. You as the parents or you as a mom, whoever's the who's taking responsibility of that child, yeah, are on this journey together. So it's an exciting journey that really is full of hope and and encouragement and joy. So my parenting journey began in 1989.
My husband and I had just found out that I was pregnant. And, for my parents, it was grandchild number 17. So it wasn't quite as exciting, but for my husband's family, it was the first grandchild. And, of course, everybody shared our excitement and, you know, we're thrilled with our news. Then we went to Dion's spiritual dad, pastor David Griffiths, and he was excited.
He was British and and pretty conservative. And he looked at us and said, you know you can parent in a different way by parenting by the spirit. And that's all he said. And, we just just you know, we left him, and the whole way back in our journey of our in our in our car, we just, said to each other, what does that mean? So that one statement captivated us, and we went to the Lord.
We prayed. We read books. We listened to everything we could. Of course, this was in '19, '86, '80 '5, '80 '6, so there was no podcast, there was no internet or TikTok or anything. So we got books out of the library and we bought some books that we could read.
And, as we read in other books and prayed, we took our time just searching scriptures and to see what does the Lord do. Well, when we discover what we discovered was full of hope, and we truly felt that we were partnering in a team of the holy spirit, the master gardener. So we actually were blessed to figure this out before we actually even had our first child. So we were not alone in the parenting journey, and he was with us at every step of the way. And in the days we were succeeding and the days when we felt that we were not doing too well.
And, he was wanting to be part of the development and growth of our children. And he was as excited as we were, obviously, because he had created this child. So we moved to Atlanta in 1994 and raised our four children here. We had three children in South Africa, and they were under the age of four when we came here, which you can imagine was quite a, transition. But then, and we had another child here.
And in so twenty years later, I wrote my book bringing those seven keys that we felt the lord had given us to build a kingdom family. And I wanted to write the book mostly because I felt like it may be something that, could just give to my children. And, but then I felt that I would take a chance, and Lisa Turcurst had a program called Compel at that time. So we had made sure at an event, and we asked her if we could book an appointment. And we we sent my my manuscript at that stage, And then we actually came into the offices in Charlotte and met with her and her team.
And, well, her response was overwhelming. Firstly, it made me cry, but then she said, this shouldn't just be called a parenting book. It should be the comprehensive guide to Christian parenting. And she said it was the best book she'd ever read. So, of course, it was very encouraging to me.
And, I went on to actually produce that. And so I'll never I will forever be grateful to Lisa for her encouragement. And, I'll never never forget her kindness to to to us as we went there and her team. They were all very encouraging. Several of them were at different stages of, parenting.
One was about to have a child leave to go to college. So they were in a very different stage, and then they had toddlers and babies and everything in between. So now I'm on the other side. I have four kids, as I said earlier, and three adorable granddaughters. Obviously, I'm a bit biased.
And I can confirm and assure you that this kingdom approach to parenting really works, and it produces well rounded adults who love the Lord and are fulfilling their purpose in partnership with the Lord. So I am on the other side, and I know that some of you may be in the middle of the parenting and just feeling like you would be really glad to get to the stage where you can have your sleeps back at night and have a little bit more private time where you're not having children follow you and drag on you, but it's all worth it. And, on the other side, it is, you know, just such a joy to watch, have that relationship with your children and to know that you've done what the Lord's called you to do with those plants. So one of the keys I'm gonna share today is perception versus perspective. So when we become a Christian and we we become part of the Lord's family and we become adopted into his family, we step into a totally different realm.
It's a different rules. It's a different culture. And a part of that is that we become part of his privileges and favor, and we get to see his perspective from everything. And, just like when, princess Kate married into the royal family, she wasn't raised royal, but royalty, but when she got married and obviously became, William's wife, she immediately stepped into all the privileges of what that meant. The protection, the security, of course, you know, all the honor that she gets in that role.
And that's what happens to us when we step into his kingdom. We get to see everything from his perspective, and we are not alone anymore. So we no longer see things from our perception, but from his perspective. And the difference of the perception is you're seeing everything from your just the the the valley view, basically what's around you, your immediate circumstances. But if you take a step up, a perspective is a view from the mountaintop and very different perspective.
So if you look at it as parenting, you see your child throwing a tantrum, you see your your child being mean to somebody else or to their sibling. And as a mom or as a parent, you immediately respond to that. But what the question is go a bit higher and see what else is going on. What is the perspective of what the Lord's really doing? And it's the same going back to my plant analogy.
You know, you plant a seed and you put it in the soil and you don't see anything for a long time. And that's a lot what parenting is like. You put the seed in the ground, the Lord gives you this little seedling, and you nurture it, you spend a lot of time and effort and, you know, cry a lot of tears over things that go wrong about it. But then one day, those little green buds start coming out from the soil and you realize that what you've been doing all the time is actually working. And so that is what the perspective is.
You've got to know what is going on below the surface. What is going on, but not from what you can see, but from what you can actually see from the lord's perspective? So it's if if he's not frustrated with us and he's not impatient with our learning because he loves us as part of our journey is the learning that he's having with us, and he wants to be part of that with you. And, we turn from what we see and ask him for his perspective from the mountain top in every situation. As we said earlier, this is not something you're doing on your own.
It's something you're doing in partnership. So we actually the company that we are part of is called Brilliant Perspective because that is what changes everything. It changes your perspective of your personal situation, your situation with your children, your marriage, or maybe there's a sickness that you're going through, but having his perspective changes everything. So when your toddler is throwing a tantrum or you're parenting a preteen that's become moody and basically changed personality or your adult child is making life decisions, instead of being overwhelmed by their behavior and what's in front of them, we can take a step back and ask the master gardener how he sees the situation. It is not left left to us to figure it out or to to move along and figure out what the best answer is gonna be.
So we can ask him questions like, does my child need gentleness and love right now, or does they need do they need space to process, or do I need to provide that strong support? And that's the thing that parents we need to know in the moment because sometimes you can actually deal with a child too harshly in that they will actually that's not what they're needing. At that moment, maybe they just needed a big hug and some reassurance that they're gonna be okay. But if they are and another time, you actually do maybe do need to discipline them and actually really bring them into a situation of, alignment back to who they really are. And just as a seedling is planted in the soil, you you place it in there, but then you need to know what do I need to do at what point.
And that's where the master gardener comes in because sometimes you need to give it more water, sometimes you give it too much water. And, that's where you go and you are faith the Lord is always gonna be faithful to you. Like my friend who constantly gives gives me the encouragement at each step where I'm going. And she doesn't say, well, you killed that plant or your plants died. I'm not gonna be interested in you anymore.
She will explain what happened and how we can transplant it and take some of the leaves off. And so you are always seeing everything from the lens of the master gardener. And sometimes you may see thorns and some dead leaves, but you want to constantly be, aware of how he's seeing the plant that you're doing. And there are times that you need to maybe bring your plant in a little bit closer and, so maybe the the elements outside have got too harsh, maybe too hot or it's got too windy or too cold, and you just need to bring that plant in for a little bit. And that's the same with our children.
Sometimes they just need a change of environment. And when we were raising our children and we had times when they were at school, we could just see that that education system for them was not ideal, and so there were times that we home schooled. There were times that we put them in private school. There were times they had public school. We literally did a combination of everything.
We didn't do hybrid, homeschooling because it wasn't really a big thing at that time, but, we just, as a parent, you need to trust what you're seeing and what you're feeling from the holy spirit because sometimes there's nothing wrong with your child. It's just that they're in the wrong environment like the little plant. And that's where the, the challenge comes in because there's a lot of decisions you have to make, and you need to sometimes tell the school, look. This isn't good for my child. It's a wonderful school, but my child isn't thriving here.
So you made a beautiful garden, but your child is not thriving in that garden. They need to just come inside for just a little bit. And, remember, each sage you're partnering with the Lord. He created your child, and you're not you're not doing this blindly. You're not parenting blindly.
And the beauty of seeing children through his lens is that you get to see that each child is unique. So there's no need for for comparison between each of your own children, but more than that, comparison with other people's children. And I know when I was parenting, there was a really big deal of comparing, you know, how my kid's doing? Is my child crawling? Is my child walking?
You know, are they sleeping through the night? And then it's the big things of are they reading yet? Are they able to do this and are they doing that? And then, of course, it goes right through high school. What college is your child going to?
What degree are they doing? How many friends have they got? And I think that's even been amplified more now because of social media. There's just so much more that that is on display. But if you are raising a oak tree, then you gotta parent very differently.
You don't need to be parenting how your neighbor's parenting their little rose bush or their vineyard, their their vine that's that's that's taking its own natural path. And so it should take all the pressure off of that thing of trying to keep up with the with your community and your friends or even maybe your family. Maybe your family has always gone to college and they've always had these degrees and they've had these smart kids. They've always gone to private schools. Maybe you raising a little sunflower that just needs lots of space and a very different way to go.
And so once again, I'm trying to take the pressure off what you're doing is your unique journey with that specific child. And with our children, there was a time that we literally had one in preschool at a church, one in a private school, and one in a public school, And I was room mother for each of them because I was to be really involved with them, and it was crazy. I mean, I was, you know, getting one on the bus, running to take the other one to school, and then going to the other one and trying to meet them for lunch. And it was a lot of work, but it was what those children needed at that time. And so it's not necessary they didn't it was only a year for us as a family, but one that we're really glad we did because each of our children could grow what in the environment that they needed for that season.
And so that may be something that you ask the lord, is my child in the correct environment? Now you can't change your child because the DNA is already done and the blueprint is there from the lord, But you can nurture that child and you can guide it. You can try you can put in a different environment and, you can watch that plant child thrive. So the beauty of this is that, it is it is in a journey of discovery, and nothing is forever. You know?
Sometimes, as I said, we put put all our children in different schools for a year, and then I had a then I got finalized pregnant with my fourth child. So we realized that we actually needed to simplify somewhat. And, not because of me, but we realized that that year for the children was actually done and that they needed to, you know, readjust again. And so, be aware of what you are what plant you are raising or who was your child, what is they actually growing up to be, what what what is the father wanting to help you with. The second key I'd like to share with you is that the the keys of, two DNAs.
So every child is born with DNA, and it's the two DNAs. One of them is the biological DNA, which, of course, is what we focus on, the color of the new baby's eyes, the hair, the fingers. And, you know, my children love to ask me they ask me for all their baby pictures when they started having children because they wanted to see what they looked like when they were newborn and, you know, all those little details. Of course, this is exciting, and we love doing that. And especially as the children grow up, you realize how they're taking on more of the dad or the mom or even the grandparents.
And, but what is more exciting is that there's actually a second DNA, which is a spiritual DNA that the lord gave the child at conception. Back to the plant analogy, that very specific DNA that he created in that child. In Psalm 39 verse 13 to 16, it says, for you created my inmost being. You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Your works are wonderful. I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
So when God created your child, he formed them in your womb, and he gave them their very specific DNA, the spiritual DNA. And he wrote this story. He created a purpose for that child. He created a story that our part in that journey is to partner with the holy spirit and write that story with him, to to get that story to become a fulfillment. And so understanding, you know, who this child is, what is the purpose of this child, and how can I as a parent partner with the holy spirit to bring that story to fulfillment?
And that is exciting, and it's it's a totally different approach to parenting. And there's no three steps because every single child, even your own children, are very different, and every one of them has their own spiritual DNA as well as their biological DNA. And that's the joy of coming alongside with the with the father to do that. So if you're raising an apple tree, you you always know that So if you're raising an apple tree, you you always know that that's gonna be an apple tree regardless of whether if it's producing apples or not. So you don't look at it and say, well, I don't see any apples.
I'm gonna now make it an orange tree because there's no fruit. It's always gonna be an apple tree. So your plant that the Lord's given you is always gonna be that plant. You can't change it, but you can make it thrive with the Holy Spirit. And, you know, it's gonna be it's gonna take on its own variation of what that specific apple tree looks like and, that's the joy of it, that it's going to be very unique to that DNA that the laws put into that specific plant and into your child.
And so as parents, we need to know who our child is regardless of what their current behavior is, and I think this is where we get so discouraged as parents is that we see our children be having bad attitude. They're not not having good manners. They're being mean to their siblings. They're not listening, And just the basic questions you ask them, they can't answer. Basic chores you ask them to do, they can't take care of.
And so as parents, we think it's our fault. We think, oh, there's something I'm doing wrong. And no, no, it's not anything you're doing wrong. Maybe you're just looking at it from a different perspective. So take a step back and see, okay, what is really going on over here?
And we had the story. I remember when my, son was in junior in high school, and he was doing, we just finished dinner, and we were clearing up. And he asked him something, and he turned around, and he was really rude to me. And that was something that wasn't tolerated in our home. And so Dion looked at him and said, go down to your room.
I'm going to come and talk to you. And, typically, that meant there's gonna be consequences of discipline or grounding or whatever it meant. And, as Dion was going downstairs, he said, lord, you know, how do I need to deal with the situation? And the lord said, whatever you do, be really, really gentle, and don't don't be harsh. And Dion was a little annoyed because he he hated peep the boys being disrespectful to me, but he felt in that moment that he needed to listen to what the Lord said.
So he went downstairs, and he got on sat on the bed with my son, and he said, what is going on? This isn't who you are. You're normally so respectful to mom. You you you're polite, and you've got a great attitude. And, you know, my son started crying.
And that was really unusual because, you know, I had pretty tough boys and not very inclined to crying. And then Dion, like, oh my goodness. What is going on? And what had happened was he was in his junior year, and if you've had a junior in high school or been a junior in high school, it is it is a much tougher year than your senior year because you're making all those decisions about college and, you know, the teachers are putting a lot of pressure on you about your grades as you, you know, do college applications and making your decisions for after school. And, he was doing three AP classes, which, of course, was also quite a load.
And, he was just overwhelmed. He was not he was a very strong student, but there was just so many things going on. He had also published a book that he was marketing and going to different schools and doing, interviews. And, you know, I think there was something going on with his friends at the time. And all that to say, in that moment where Dion could have actually crushed him more by putting more pressure on him, Dion was able to just love him and to encourage him, and they spent, you know, the next hour just unpacking what was going on and praying for him.
And, you know, my son came up and apologized, and, it really was a turning point for him as he, you know, got towards the end of his junior year. So in that moment, it would have been easier just to ground him and say, you know, I'm taking your phone away or whatever your, discipline is, but the Lord caught that moment and was able to be obedient in that. And so you don't ignore their behavior, but you find out what else is going on. And that's the same with children. If you have a child that's generally very gentle and kind and sharing and suddenly they've been mean and they're just not not wanting to play with other people, It's not that there's something you've done wrong, which is normally what we as moms or parents do.
It's like, oh, what have I done wrong? Why is my child behaving like that? Take a step back and say, what is what is going on? Lord, what is going on with my child? And as they get older, you can actually talk about that to them and say, you're normally so kind and you love sharing, you love being with other children.
What is going on? And they won't always be able to verbalize it, but the fact that you're noticing them and calling them out because that that truth that you're calling out that they are kind, they are loving, they are enjoying being with other children, that really ministers to something deep down in them, their spirit. So once again, you have been equipped to do these different, moments with the Lord. It's not something that you wake up in the morning, have your quiet time, and then you charge through the day hundred miles an hour doing all the parenting things. In the moment, you can stop and say, okay.
I'm not alone. And it's just a quick prayer. You don't have to get your Bible out and get 10 scriptures. You just say, lord, what's going on? Like like I do with my friend, I'll take a quick picture of my my my plant, and I'll just text and say, hey.
Does it need more water or whatever? And there's this immediate conversation going on. So we constantly remind our child to adjust their behavior to match that identity that he's given them. So we don't ignore it because we don't want to create kids that have a great opinion on themselves, but they actually don't have any basic skills of interacting with other people and, just having bad discipline. So you affirm your child often and you call them out to their spiritual DNA.
So as you know who they are, you can get a phrase. Like, you know, Emma, you're such a kindhearted person or you are a strong leader. We love that you see you know, that you can take a situation and lead people to a different place or you you tenderhearted. You've got a you're a merciful person. You work hard.
You know, what are those words? And it doesn't have to be a scripture. It doesn't have to be anything big, but you just get some phrases that you feel that that that defines the child. Maybe gentle worrier or faithful friend, kind protector, strong defender, one of those some of those words could, just remind your your child who they really are. And as I've gone through, you know, my my children going through high school and then college and dating and getting married and then becoming parents, you know, it's been amazing how those words that the Lord gave me when they were babies and toddlers and all those things, I still remind them.
And seeing them coming to that fruition of who they really are has been amazing journey. And I'm so thankful I didn't do it on my own. We did it as partnership with the father and our amazing master gardener. And so you speak identity into different circumstances and if your child's struggling with school or maybe they're being bullied in an environment with friends or, you know, something's going on with their health, And then even as they get into college, some of those, you know, bigger decisions about getting into relationships and marriage, etcetera, you remind them again and again who they are and what is going into, what what's gonna define their their character because it's their behavior will be adjusted as you remind who they are. I remember my daughter when she was in high school, she got into a pretty bad group of friends, and, it was surprising because because it was a new group of friends.
She had she was always very you know, she had a lot of different kinds of friends at the time, and this was a totally new group, and I didn't know any of the parents, which was unusual because it was a pretty small school at that stage. And she started being dishonest to us and just not really wanting to come and eat dinner at the table with us and a few little things, and so of course it was a surprise. Honesty was a huge thing in our family, and so this was something that we'd never really dealt with before. And so Dionne now went to the Lord and said, Okay, what is going on here? And so we just felt that we needed to call out to identity over and over again, and she is a leader.
She is very strong. She has an ability to mix with a lot of types of people, so we felt like she was like Esther that could interact with, the servant as well as the king. So she was able to be with the popular kids in the school and those that weren't popular and everything in between. And so we called. We just kept reminding her of that, and finally she broke out of this group and especially one guy that she had connected with.
And when she came out of it, we said, so what made you pull out of that? And she said, you and dad just keep pulling me up into who I really am, and I knew who I was because you reminded me of that. And so maybe your children are in a situation today where they're not quite being the the fruit that you know they can be bearing or that the seed that you planted isn't really showing what they can be. And it's not that you're parenting wrong. It's just that maybe you've got a different perspective and you need to go to the Lord and say, how can I help my child come out of that situation?
So the Lord didn't give you give to you call you because you were perfect. He equips those who he calls and he comes alongside and partners with us. And he gives you his peace in the situation so that you can be a peaceful parent. In John 14 verse 27, which I think can be every parent should memorize, it says, peace I leave with you. My peace I give you.
I do not give you the peace I give you is not what the world gives you. Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not be afraid. And in the climate today of what's going on, there are people that have troubled hearts. And as Christians, we do not need to have troubled hearts because the lord can give us peace, and he can give us a peace that's not what the world gives, but he can give us a peace that is going to get us through every situation we need. And so the peace that the world gives is short lived.
It can change tomorrow, but what he wants to give us, he wants to give you that peace that you can move into being that peaceful parent, which I I know sounds like an oxymoron, being a peaceful parent, but I can assure you it's possible not because of you, but because of the Lord doing it with you. So parenting isn't about perfection. It's about partnership. And he loves your learning in the process, and he knows your children even more intimately than you do. And he enjoys guiding you through every season.
He's sitting there waiting for you to ask him to come in and, you know, give his opinion, give his advice, and to celebrate every single challenge. You know, the season with the children goes through really quickly, and I know if you've got toddlers and babies that are not sleeping through the night and throwing tantrums and being difficult, you may feel like it's forever, but it really does go by very, very quickly. And, what you're doing today really matters and is making, future generations, and that's what we're all building into this to keep the generation and your inheritance to them to keep moving. So let me assure you that it's not too late. You may feel, oh, my kids are really a teenager and I have done none of this, but it's not too late because the Lord is a redeemer and a restorer and we have amazing stories in our own lives of where we made mistakes or when we've been in a really tough situation.
We think we've lost something, but the Lord is that faithful redeemer and he's a restorer. So just as a plant recovers pretty quickly, once it's put into the correct environment with the right nutrition, your child can be restored to full health. And you can practice this today. You can start today after listening to this podcast. You can take some time and ask the Lord, you know, to just, be part of this conversation with you.
Not because you're skilled and you're perfect, but because you're partnering with a master gardener. And so if today's message has awakened something in you and you feel like there's something you could change in your parenting and be inspired by, I've just shared two points of some of my my journey, but I would love to give you all seven keys. And so I wanna give you the gift, and I'm offering you today the free audio book of my my book Wired to Parent. And if you click on the link below, this is my gift to you to help you along on your parenting journey. So thank you for listening.
Kaley Olson: Bridget, thank you so much for, just the perspective that you brought. I think sometimes, now I'm a parent of a three year old and a seven month old. And so I I don't know if Meredith, you probably feel this way too. Sometimes it's really refreshing to just hear from somebody who has graduated from that season to say, no. Yeah.
I mean, Bridget was saying toddler tantrums and not sleeping, and I was like, yep, that's me.
Meredith Brock: That's your life right now.
Kaley Olson: Yeah. But I am aware of how fast it goes, but something else that I am so very aware of just is that parenting is hard at but holy work. And I'm not alone in the process.
And so, Bridget, thank you for the reminder that I can partner with God in every single moment, that I don't just pray for my kids and then go on and charge about my day and and left to handle it on my own. But I do have a question for you. So my husband and I, like I said, we're kind of in the trenches, literally in the trenches, parenting a three year old who has gone from being my perfect cherub with chubby cheeks to someone who is a sinner. And I think that's really hard for parents to realize, you know, we've got I'm pregnant with this child, and all of a sudden, they're this baby, and I wrap them, and I change their diapers, and then they have their own personalities. And I am quickly reminded that they are mine to steward and teach right from wrong.
So the conversations that Jared and I are having a lot right now looks like, no. No. No. Don't do that. And what my question for you is, Bridget, is that as my husband and I are parenting my three year old, his name is Hughes, he doesn't know what's wrong unless I help him understand what's right.
And we're talking about proactive parenting, which is so hard, by the way, to not just react because in a way, that's kind of like the easy way out. Saying no. So since you were a seasoned veteran, four time veteran, with the champions trophy of being a parent, Bridget, I would like to know, what did teaching your kids right look like when they were young? How did you proactively help them understand right versus wrong versus just reacting to what was wrong?
Bridget Van Zyl: Sure. That's a great question. It is a journey, and, remember, it's not just you and Jared parenting. There's a very strong third master person in there who's been there and done it all much better than I have. So, you know, yes, you can definitely, have some practical advice, which I'm happy to give you.
But I think it begins the journey begins with, okay, who's my child? What kind of what kind of parenting does this specific child need? Because when your three month comes along, that's also gonna be a very different style of parenting. Yeah. So it begins with a conversation with the Lord always.
And I think there is a time where you do feel you're saying, no. Don't do that. Please say thank you. You know, Use your words, and you do that. That is what becomes very exhausting because you feel like you are repeating the same thing every single day, you know, seven days a week, you know, twenty four hours a day.
I think, what helped me was, number one, understanding who my child was because I literally disciplined my firstborn and my second born completely differently because the firstborn was that oak tree that just if I said yes, he wanted to do if I said something, he wanted to do the opposite. And so we knew, even when I was pregnant, that we were going to have a strong willed child who was going to be a leader and take people to different levels, which he has truly done as Nas, my almost 36 year old, he has done amazing things of inventions and creating stuff mostly around Kingdom Ministries, which has been part of what I helped Dion and I helped shape with the Lord when he was a toddler. So it's looking at that bigger perspective. Okay, who am I raising here? What does this little boy a three year old, look like when he is 25 as maybe a husband, maybe as a father?
So once again, just looking at that big perspective. And I think it is making the boundaries very clear to that child and some of the children are going to test that boundary really very tight all the time. They're going to like my son, if I put the line here, he'd put his tiptoes on it and say, Can I lean over and get that? You know? And so it's that exhausting part of like, No, I already told you you can't get that cookie or whatever it was.
I think also what helps is focusing on the positive, not always focusing on the negative behavior. But when he does do something that you like that behavior, you go ahead and you love him and applaud him and, you know, share it with the dad and say, oh, let's take a picture and send it to dad. He's gonna be so proud how you did this on your own and just how you went and hugged your sister, went and, you know, shared your your cookie with your sibling or whatever that is. So you you celebrate the wins as much as you can and not constantly focusing on the negatives. But it is a perspective thing, and this is where parenting is.
It's a different day. Maybe today you're gonna have a lot of repeating yourself, and tomorrow there's gonna be a lot of wins. But it's taking a step back and saying, I'm creating you're not raising a child. You're raising a kingdom adult.
That change of perspective right there. I mean, think of the think of the man you want to raise as a dad and as a husband and as a as a kingdom person in ministry and in business. And so those little times of correcting his attitude and correcting his, his discipline and, you know, whatever your style is, if it's going to be they do chores in the morning, and if he doesn't do chores, you go back and remind him this is what you do. It's not because you want him to make your bed because you don't wanna do it. It's because you're teaching him discipline because as an adult, he needs to be disciplined.
And, a lot of what parents are seeing today is that they, that they've been telling, you know, this this this gentle parenting, which I fully understand and I love it, if that's what the child needs. That's the problem. Not all children respond to gentle parenting. And so it's a bigger picture of who am I raising and what does parenting look like in this moment for this child in this season. And you need to raise a person that can go through school being able to be disciplined and respect their authority, respect their teachers, go into the world maybe getting a job.
He knows how to show up at the office. He knows what's expected in a position of understanding authority, being a team, working in a team, and then maybe getting married and having children himself or herself. What does that look like for a person? And that's what you're raising. You're not just raising a toddler that's, you know, rinse and repeat every single day.
And so ask the Lord for keys. So what does my child need? Why does he not get at the fact that I keep saying no? Is he maybe you need to be creative, maybe you need to make a diagram or something? And I've seen on, you know, Instagram and TikTok the most amazing ways parents have taught their children to to do their chores and to remember things, how to how to tidy up their bedroom.
So those are creative ideas. I don't know where they got it from, but I know the Lord can give you and your husband creative ideas to parent your child in a way that isn't just saying no all the time. Yeah. Yeah. If they're taking a step, they can say, okay, who am I raising?
I'm not just raising a child, you're raising a kingdom adult.
Meredith Brock: I love that. Who am I raising? I have three very different kingdom adults.
And so it's such a good perspective. Thank you so much, Bridget. As we wrap up today, we wanna remind you of her very generous offer, which is you can download her amazing free audiobook, that she's been talking about these real perspective shifts, these seven keys from it's called Wired to Parent, and we've linked that in our show notes so you could access your copy today.
Kaley Olson: Yeah. And share this episode with a friend who needs some encouragement because we've linked everything there, and so it made it really easy for you to share.
Also, if you are a mom in the trenches, we wanna encourage you to get connected to God's word. One way you can do that is by subscribing to our free daily devotions called Encouragement for Today. And every weekday, you'll receive a new devotional that takes just a few moments to read, but we'll meet you where you are with the encouragement and perspective you need, which is just what Bridget was talking about.
Meredith Brock: That's right. And guys, that's it for today.
That's all we have. We want to remind you that at Proverbs 31 Ministries, we believe when you know the truth and you live the truth, it really does change everything.