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Authentic gay conversations on personal development, life coaching, and mental health. Join Keegan Hirst, founder of Gay Man's Coaching and former professional rugby player, for weekly real talk about gay lifestyle, coming out, relationships, business, and authentic living. Deep, honest conversations that help gay men build confidence, find community, and create vibrant, unapologetic lives.
00:00
Hello and welcome to the Game Man's coaching podcast. The podcast are men who want to live their best lives, who want to build lives they're proud of, who want to challenge themselves and grow. And this episode is really going to delve into something that I'm very, very passionate about. And it's very easy to fall into the trap of. uh And I want to talk about how playing small takes up a lot of energy.
00:30
how it really takes a lot of energy to stay small when really we want to grow and expand. Just a couple of quick GMC updates before we get into today's episode. Both adventure days that we have going on in the UK and the US are now up in the hub. All the details are there. So in the UK we're doing white water rafting in Wales and there's going to be some other stuff going on there as well. Lunch, social, some stuff in the afternoon for our US members.
00:58
We are going to be doing the UCLA Challenge course in LA. All the information is on the hub. It's also in the WhatsApp groups. uh Make sure that you complete your your type forms in the hub, in the in-person events. We've also got all the details for the in-person training day and the annual GMC games at the beginning of March. And there is still two spots left for Edinburgh at the end of March.
01:25
As always, space is limited for all our events, so please secure your tickets as soon as possible. If you do have any questions, you can ask in the hub, you can ask us in the WhatsApp group, if you are, whether you're a GMC member or not a GMC member and you have questions about things, you can always email us, support at gmanscoaching.com. Everything you need is already there, you just need to make the decision and book. So, let's get into today's episode, which is a little bit heavier.
01:55
game. It takes a lot of energy to stay small and by that I mean to bite your tongue, to downplay your wins, to aim lower than you are actually capable of and most people think that playing small is safe but it's not. It's exhausting and it has such a terrible impact on your self-worth and your self-belief because
02:25
it just becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. So let's get really clear on what playing small is. Playing small is that constant self-editing, whether you're dialing yourself up or you're dialing yourself down. You're accommodating yourself for other people's needs, wants, fears, desires, pleasing them. Or sometimes we edit ourselves just to irritate people and to piss them off. It works in all kinds of different ways. Constant justification.
02:53
whether you're justifying things to other people, why you're doing it, why you need to do it, why you ought to do it, why you shouldn't do it, or if you're constantly justifying things to yourself. I ought to be doing this because X, Y, Z, or I should do that because of ABC. If you find that you are always managing other people's comfort, I don't want my boss to, you know, I don't want to upset them because of this, and I don't want to let them down, and I don't want to tell them this harsh truth because...
03:22
is going to upset them and it's going to be difficult for them. I don't want anybody to feel that they're remotely put out because I want to do X, Y and Z. Or if you find that you are negotiating with your potential, this is one that I see all the time, where we set a goal and then we go, oh, actually, it's a little bit, it's a big goal and it's scary and I don't want to do it. I do want to do it, but you know, it's going to take a bit more effort than I thought. And then, oh, maybe I'm not actually that good and maybe I'm not actually that, bullshit, bullshit.
03:51
that is negotiating with your potential. Every single one of us has untapped, uncapped potential. Staying small is not passive. It doesn't just happen. It's work. It is work to stay small. It is work to not go after things. It is work to not challenge yourself. You know, and it takes bravery to...
04:21
get away from that, to get away from that familiarity. And there are so many people who kid themselves into shying away from things that they want to do, whether that's reaching out to someone, making a friend, trying something that they've not done before, pushing themselves a little bit further, and they kid themselves into saying that they're relaxing, they're dialing things back, they're slowing down. And those things are important, and you absolutely do need to do those. 100%, I talk about that all the time.
04:49
But so many people kid themselves that they need to be doing that all the time and you're not relaxing. You're holding yourself back day in and day out. And this is why I love when people inside GMC are sharing their wins. Those small acts of bravery where they show up for themselves and for the future versions of themselves. know, a couple of guys this week getting
05:19
getting off the marker with things. Hayden MacPherson has been having to start his days at 4am but he's still showing up for himself. It'd easy to tell himself he needs to relax but he's not letting himself off the hook. Lane Hunter, not being able to get to the gym, his kit has been limited, he's having to work out from home, still showing up, still doing it. Kyle Larson, getting his meals prepped, taking the decisions out of things. None of that is sexy but that...
05:48
But those things are also not small insignificant things. Those are ownership. Those show ownership that we are stepping into those newer versions of ourselves. So earlier on I talked about how it's energy to stay small. Because as, if you remember high school science, energy does not disappear. It's one of Isaac Newton's.
06:15
laws or is it a law of general relativity? I can't remember. But energy doesn't disappear, it just changes forms. And if we don't use it to create things, build things, express things, if we don't use it to lead and take charge and change things and take action, then we use it for the inverse of those things, to suppress, to manage fear, to manage doubt, to manage...
06:44
other people's expectation. Now you have that energy. You will tell yourself, and you might be one of those people, kids themselves, oh, I don't have energy. I don't have energy to go to the gym. I don't have energy to, you know, say no to something. It's all a lot of bollocks, you know, and that doesn't mean that there are times where we get tired, where we don't get tired. Of course we do, but we're not tired all day, every day. We're not. We might be unmotivated. We might be unenthusiast. Nine times out of 10.
07:13
It's a lack of clarity that is what stops us giving something a go because we think, well, what's the point of wasting that energy? But if you're not using that energy on things like building and expressing and leading and creating things and channeling things and hustling with, you know, whether it's the side hustle, whether it's the new gig, whether it's the promotion you're after, the new body they want, the new relationship you're looking to cultivate, then that energy will get used up in suppressing your feelings.
07:43
in managing your fears and downplaying why you can't do things and ramping things up because it becomes anxious and nervous energy or maybe it's doubt that I don't think I can do that or I don't think I can step outside my comfort zone, I don't think I can be that other person that I want to be or maybe it goes into managing other people's expectations, you know, or well I'll do this work that I don't want to do for these other people because they expect me to do that or I'll, you know...
08:10
not do the things that I need to do to show up for myself because I need to please those other people. That low grade exhaustion that you are feeling is unused potential. That is what it is. Because, and you will have experienced this in your life, there will be times where you are exhausted, where you are tired, you are fatigued, but you get into bed and you go, do you know what? I'm really...
08:39
pleased and proud of this fatigue because it's gone into something that means something to me. It might be work, might be a relationship, it might be an event, it could be many, many, many things. But you will get into bed and you'll go, yeah, I'm tired but fuck, yeah, it was good, it was worth it. But when you get into bed and you're like, you got all that anxious energy and you got all that worry and doubt, that is unused potential. And...
09:06
You know, we can look at some of the guys who posted in the hub this week. Liam Cox had a bit of a wobble, doubted himself, but got out of his head, still trained, still got his runs in, used up that energy that could have gone into, I'm wobbling, I'm struggling. Xavier, you know, again, was skipping, skipped a couple of sessions and then realised that energy that isn't going into there is actually making him feel worse. Started going to the gym.
09:36
started feeling better. know, Jonathan Wheeler, rather than saying, I'm too old, I can't do this, got on, did his first five kilometres on an ergometer that he's done in 20 years, straight back into the wakes. Because rather than it taking away energy, it was something that he wanted to do, something that he knew would build him up. It empowered him, it energised him rather than taking it away. They didn't wait to feel ready. They just moved and they just did it.
10:03
So when we look at playing small, as with anything there is always a cost. And it's the thing, it's the quiet frustration of not seeing the results that you want to see. And that could be to do with your physique, it could be to do with your health, it could be to do with your relationships, it could be to do with your friendships, it could be to do with your career, your finances, your energy, it could be to do with anything. And then that resentment builds up to those people that you find that you're playing yourself small for.
10:33
And I want you to ask when, because all of us are guilty of playing small sometimes. When you do find yourself playing small, ask yourself, who is it I'm playing small for? Is it a parent? Is it a teacher? Is it a colleague? Is it a boss? Is it the internet? Is it social media? The amount of people who are scared to post their wins on their Instagram stories because they're scared of backlash. Guys, guys, those are the wrong people to give a fuck about.
11:01
Maybe the emotional cost is boredom. Boredom because you're not fulfilling your potential. You're sat there on an evening and you're eating and you're scrolling and you're doing stuff that you don't want to do and you go, is this it? Is this my life? Boredom. Or maybe you get that feeling of going, I should be further than this. I thought I'd be further on at this point. That is the cost of playing small. That is the cost of not taking chances. Growth takes...
11:30
work. It really does take work but so does being small. It's like you know that addit of you're going to suffer by going to the gym and you know making compromises with your food and getting in amazing shape. There's going to be some level of suffering however you view it whether it's from missing out whether it's being tired, fatigued, whether it's pushing yourself, whether it's being hungry, you're going to feel hungry at some point or you suffer from
11:59
eating and not training. You can't move, your body's in pain, you're overweight, you can't take your top off, you don't want to have sex, find yourself covering yourself up and hiding yourself because you don't like how you look and feel. Both can be seen as suffering, but you have to pick which one. Pick the cost. There's a cost to pay for every single thing that you do. You pick which cost, what do I want to pay?
12:29
for the result that I want. And if you don't pay anything, you don't get anything. At least growth gives you something back. know, I'm talking about people growing. I know a few shares in the group this week. Dan McFarland who's getting ready for his photo shoot, who's gone from insecurity to pride in his body. He's going to a gay event this weekend as part of celebrating his 40th. He's wearing a vest. Never thought he'd wear a vest. You know, film.
12:57
Newton getting his four sessions in rebuilding family connections growth rather than sitting and resting on his laurels digging in same with Tyler tough days challenges at work with things going on in and around his personal life but then choosing to lean into his relationship taking Shane to his first concert that he's ever been to choosing love and community and growth that is not performance that is not
13:26
giving something to go for the sake of it, that is becoming somebody else. That is stepping into, and when they post those results in the hub, what that does is that compounds it for them. This is the progress, this is what I've done, I am celebrating it. That is a good thing. And it just builds up that positive momentum. And if you find yourself struggling with momentum, share your wins. If you're not posting your wins in the hub, you're a fool.
13:56
I mean you might think that sounds harsh, you're a fool. Doesn't matter how big or small the wins are, you are missing out, are choosing to leave results on the table. Now at some point, usually just before people do give up, they realise something.
14:14
It takes less energy to be who you actually are than to keep pretending that you're not.
14:22
Just think about that. To be authentic, to be the person that you are, to go for the things that you want to go for, to challenge the things that you want to challenge, to change the things you want to change, to keep the things you want to keep and celebrate and shine a light on, that takes less energy than pretending to be another version of you.
14:45
And do know what you get from that? You don't get more confidence, you don't get more motivation, you get relief. You get that sense of, ah, chill. Yeah, this is me, this is okay, this is all right. And it might be a little bit scary at first, a little bit uncomfortable. And I know through going through my life, there have been points where staying small felt safer.
15:10
But you must remember that if you've chosen to do something, you can also choose not to do it. And if you've chosen not to do something, you can choose to do something. So you've chosen to stay small, you can choose not to.
15:25
And when you take that responsibility, that, do you know what, I have been playing small. I can go for more. There is more life to be had. There is more things to be, do, have, see, enjoy, experience. And it's me that's holding me back. Responsibility is not blame. Responsibility is not blame. It's power.
15:49
when you accept responsibility for your life, for where you are, and we all are where we are because of the actions and decisions that we've taken, they've all accumulated to get us to where we are. And if you're in a bit of a shit spot, that can feel like, fuck, it's my fault that I'm here. But the flip side of that is, is that if I can get myself here, I can get myself to where I want to be.
16:12
And I wholeheartedly firmly believe that because not only have I done it repeatedly for myself, I've helped literally hundreds of people now do it over the years of coaching with GMC, whether that's to do with their sexuality, their bodies, their careers, their goals, their relationships. In some way, we are all playing small. We are all playing small.
16:35
So your action steps this week that I want you to take away from this session is I want you to write down one area and only one area in your life where you are playing small. Is it in your career? Is it your relationship? Do you deserve better? Is it your friendships? Do you deserve better? Are they not treating you how you want to be treated? Are you not earning as much money as you are capable of doing?
16:57
Are you not living in the place where you'd like to live? Does your physique not look like what you would like it to look like because you're scared of people saying that you're obsessed or it's making them look bad? Name one area where you're playing small and then I want you to take one visible step towards playing bigger. Speak, speak it out that you are playing small. Share.
17:23
that you are playing small share, what you are going to try. Take the lead on something, an action that's gonna move you forward. And the last thing that I implore every single person to do who is listening to this podcast is stop asking for permission. Especially from anybody who's not living your life. And that is everybody who is not you. Stop asking permission to go for the job.
17:52
Stop asking permission to ask the person out, to go for a coffee, to wear the clothes that you wanna wear, get your hair cut how you wanna cut, look the way you wanna look, have the body that you want, go into the area of the gym that you're worried about. Fuck that. Stop asking for permission because you get one life. Make it honest. Honest to you. The only two people that you ever need to please in your own life.
18:19
is the eight year old version of you and the 80 year old version of you. Make sure that they look and they go, fucking good job. Make it expansive, expand your horizons, try new things, fail, try again, fail again. Make your life worth remembering. Make your life worth remembering so that in 20 years, in 30 years, 40 years, you can look back and go, fucking hell, do remember when I tried doing that thing? Do you remember when we went and I gave that a go?
18:49
That is what I want you to get out of your lives. feel that of the billions of people on the planet, there's such a small percentage of people that live truly, live honestly, and refuse to play small. And I want every single person who comes into my orbit not to play small. And I hope that if you ever catch me talking in a way or behaving in a way that I am playing small, I hope you call me out on it. I hope you say, nah Keegan, you can do more than that. You can be more than that.
19:21
I ask you to do that because I will do that for you because that's what someone in your corner does. So guys I hope you've enjoyed this, I hope you've got some value out of it. I hope you enjoy these solo episodes, I know there's a lot of value in the episodes we do where we interview the coaches and members. I hope you got something out of this too. I will be back next week as always. In the meantime, stay safe, look after yourself. Don't eat and drink.
19:49
at the expense of how you want to look and feel. And I will speak to you next week.