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What About Me (WAM) is a space for healing the inner child, finding your voice, and reclaiming your power. Join host Emma as she shares her journey of self-discovery and invites others to speak up, stand up, and heal from the inside out.
Today I wanna take a few
minutes to unpack something that
has been on my heart lately.
I wanted my podcast to evolve and that it
would grow into more than just my story.
I wanna reach others to hear their
stories and their journeys, and
to share those in our communities.
This week we are having a question and
answer Our first question comes from Mc.
I will read her post giving some
context before sharing her question.
Choosing a relationship over your child
has to be the most loser shit you can do
as a parent because at the end of the day.
Partners can come and go, but
your child is the one innocent
soul who never ask to be here.
They only ask for love,
protection, and consistency.
When a parent puts someone else
before their own kid, it shows
where their priorities truly
lie, and it is heartbreaking.
Kids remember that neglect.
They grow up carrying the pain of
being second place to someone who
should have loved them unconditionally.
A real parent never makes their
child compete with a partner.
A real parent shows up, chooses their
kid every time, and teaches them
what love is supposed to look like.
So if you choose a relationship over your
own child, understand this, you are not
just failing as a parent, you are shaping
a wound that child will carry for years.
how should a parent treat their
offspring when a marriage is broken and
a spouse have moved on to a new partner?
such an excellent question and
it touches close to home for me.
Firstly, I agree with your post.
I felt every emotion of pain
hurt, disappointment, and genuine
concern for your children and
any children from a broken home.
A parent should place Paramount
care in their child's wellbeing.
A child needs to be loved, respected,
and treated as one of the most important
person's in their parents' life.
A parent should be there for
their child no matter what.
A parent should never allow a new
spouse or partner to separate them
from the connection, love, and
commitment towards their children.
A parent's responsibility is to
be there for their kids in every
stage of their life, period.
I need to delve into my
response by asking a question.
what is the first thing that
comes to mind as it pertains
to the child or the children?
Are we discussing minor
kids or adult children?
I wanna preface that all comments here
are strictly my personal opinion and
not a solution to any one situation.
Your personal experience and
circumstances should determine
what you deem best for your life.
I know this will be
difficult for some to hear.
My opinions are there should
be a distinction whether we are
addressing minor or adult children.
The expectations, demands, needs
of a minor child is completely
different from an adult child.
An adult who has a career, a family
of their own, and all the choices
and roles of an adult should never
be treated the way we would a minor,
an adult child should never be loved, less
dismissed, disrespected, or discarded.
However, as we all know, once we
become an adult and have chosen the
life that we want for ourselves,
the dynamics have changed.
Our little girl, our little boy, is no
longer our little girl or our little boy.
They are now adults and
productive members of society.
If we are looking at children in this.
Question as being minor
then it is a no-brainer.
There is no exception.
Your role as a parent is
complete responsibilities and
commitments to the minor child.
Let us look at a case to
highlight an adult in our life.
Mc, let's pretend.
After this separation you have moved on
and are currently dating someone, you have
an amazing relationship with this person.
They check all your boxes.
They speak kindness, love, and treat your
adult children with complete respect.
But your adult children chooses
to not like your partner.
Your children has given you no
substantial reason why they do not care
for your new partner as time goes by.
All your experiences with this partner
continue to be positive and beautiful.
What decision would you make for
yourself and for your adult children?
Do you walk away from the relationship
because your adult children want you to?
Your adult children are themselves
in relationships of their own.
You have supported them regardless
whether you like their partner or not.
they do not like him and have no
reason or explanation as to why.
So my question is, do you
break this relationship to
keep your adult children happy?
If you do, you will be without a
partner, while your adult children
continue their lives with intact
relationships of their own living,
their best life, and to the fullest.
I had a relationship
that led to a marriage.
My partner had adult kids and so did I.
In fact, some of our first agreeable
conversations were that we were interested
only in long-term relationships and
that we were not willing to date someone
with minor kids as we have already.
Done that we were not
willing to start over.
I met my partner's kids.
They seemed to be wonderful kids.
We hit it off and things were amazing.
I felt that the feeling was mutual.
There was no cloud on the horizon.
I am an introvert.
His kids are opposite They have
really strong personalities, and as
is my custom, I go with the flow.
I did not make waves.
I asked for nothing.
I literally had no demands.
I showed up to everything and everywhere.
I quickly saw that my husband's
relationship revolved around his
children, which means my relationship
revolved around his children.
This was so new for me.
The first Christmas we spent together
was my first celebrated Christmas ever.
Don't ask.
It is a different episode.
After our gifts exchanges, we were
having the best time and I had a
conversation with my stepchildren.
I expressed how much I respected
and admired what their parents have
done in how they have raised them.
Their parental guidance is showing
in the amazing adults they are.
My most important information that I
wanted to share, and these were my exact
words, I want you to understand something.
My role is not to replace
your other parent.
You have a mom
I am here
to be a partner to your dad to love him,
and in turn to love and support you.
Your other parent will always
be your other parent, and
I will always respect her.
These adult children cried.
The look of relief was so evident on
their demeanor that it was palpable.
This celebration was so new for me because
my upbringing was nothing like this.
I have desired a loving family
that I felt safe, loved.
Secured my entire life and my new
partner seemed to love me in a way I
had never experienced in my life before.
This is great.
I told myself this family had
the kind of harmonious, loving,
externally perfect dynamic, and
now I was a part of it, I thought.
And so for over two years, I felt
that things were still going great.
I had married their dad.
By then, we were still having a
great relationship however, I started
feeling like I was suffocating.
like I was living someone else's life.
It was like I am a statue
on a circulating stand.
I could slowly spin and see all around
me, but I was not a part of the action.
I was a spectator of someone else's life.
Our entire world was doing everything
these children wanted their dad to do.
my partner was continuing life
with his children, as if their
other parent was still present.
it was so controlling I started feeling
like a child, and these kids were
the Adult in the relationship.
Our life was an open uncensored book
There was no sanctity in our marriage.
All was told to my husband's
children, no exception.
for a very long time, I was not aware
of the magnitude of the oversharing,
but slowly it became evident.
Interestingly, these kids chooses what
they discuss with their dad or with us.
they were living the life of
the adult adult while we were
living like we were the children.
Suffice it to say, over time,
it started grating on me.
I started feeling I did not have a voice.
I felt lost in the shuffle.
I was suffocating, I did not have a voice.
The truth was my feelings were valid.
I mattered.
I was important too.
I just did not know it.
Unbeknownst to me at the time,
my people pleasing habits, not
wanting to cause any distress or
argument was furthering my demise.
It was two years later.
I was still under the adult child and
my husband's thumb, my marriage was
being regulated by this adult kid.
Finally, I spoke up to my husband
and I ask that there be some changes.
Conflict is very difficult for me.
but I was tired of living
someone else's life.
I wanted my marriage, I wanted
my life, and the time had came
that I could no longer be silent.
My experience had taught me that there
are very few healthy relationships
without conflict or disagreement.
I feel Conflicts helps us to grow.
We learn to navigate, negotiate
and compromise during conflicts,
disagreements, or conflicts does
not need to be nasty or toxic.
When two unique lives come together, there
is bound to be snippets of this dynamic.
Love, respect, trust.
Kindness to each other and a unified goal
can take any couple very far this can
be an opportunity to support each other.
This is one way a couple
may become stronger.
I had a relationship that was stuck in
honeymoon phase, not because there was
no negativity or toxicity around me,
but because I did not have a voice,
I said nothing in my discomfort.
I supported my partner in his
relationship with his kids I loved
the relationship I thought he had
There was a very different dynamic
and relationship with each and over
time that became daunting and intense.
Let's just say that things are
not always what they seem, even
to the people inside the circle.
as this relationship continue
our life look like this would
be the rest of our lives,
that we will never be able to have
a marriage that was truly ours.
If my husband and I decide
to go out to dinner.
minutes away,
without fail, my husband would get
on his phone that we're going out to
dinner, We did not make vacation plans.
did not make a purchase
did not make an investment.
We could not make a new friend without
my partner sharing every details.
As soon as the discussion occurred, I
felt minute on important, jaded, confused.
I felt like I was living in an aquarium.
I struggled with my feelings and needs
and whether they are selfish or not for
a very long time what was happening?
I did not speak up.
I never asked for anything.
I did not give these adult children
any opportunity to be frustrated
or upset or angry about anything
It is very difficult to argue with
someone who is showing up and doing
exactly what you want every single day.
I wanted to be very clear that I totally
enjoyed so much of our togetherness.
I loved spending time with
my husband and his family.
For a very long time.
There was absolutely no resentment in the
things that we did and participated in.
I saw it as a kind of dynamic
that was missing in my family
and I loved it, but I also felt.
There had to be a cap.
There had to be a limit.
There had to be a time when our marriage
was going to transition into more about
us rather than everything about them.
There had to be a time when a parent
has to progress to incorporate.
The new partner and allow her
voice and a seat at the table
rather than just being
a shadow on the wall.
I felt that boundaries needed to
be implemented from my husband
and also from his children.
I had to be acknowledged I
thought, but obviously that idea
never crossed any of their minds.
My partner needed to understand that he
was no longer with his adult, children's,
other parent, and that he now had a
new partner he needed to implement.
A we partnership and make some much
needed, loving, healthy, appropriate
changes He needed to transition some
things to his new marriage in a loving,
inclusive way, but that was never done.
He continued his relationship
with his children as if their
other parent was still there.
I sat in the chair in which
these children's, other
parent sat, I said, nothing.
I did nothing.
So the presence and the aura
was as if she never left.
There were no ripples in their lake.
I needed a space of belonging.
I needed to feel loved, respected, and
supported by my husband, by my partner.
On one hand, I felt that I saw that
often until he usually incorporate
his child into our equation,
and this occur 100% of the time.
I was not allowed to have a true
moment without some semblance of his
child being brought into the midst.
It was like my husband was setting
up a dynamic that forced me to either
accept that his child will always
be in every fiber of his life, or
there was no space that was safe or
saved for me that was uninterrupted.
Please notice I started discussing
children and my conversation
has evolved to the child.
It is intentional.
My husband continued to share every
aspect of her life with his child.
We desperately needed boundaries,
and it was not my place to set
those boundaries with his children.
It was my place to set those
boundaries with my child.
I did not have that issue.
I already had well established
boundaries with my kid.
We had no issues with my
child and his interaction and
involvement in our marriage.
After this discussion, my husband
continued his oversharing.
The gloves were off long
before I realized it.
We were still interacting and I
had no idea for some time that my
husband's kids were withdrawing and
planning my demise, they felt slighted.
Because I want to have
errors in my marriage.
That did not include them.
They resented me.
How dare I ask for a marriage that
looks like what I want in a marriage?
So very quickly, this catapult
into my worst nightmare in no time.
We had a full on volcano, hurricane
and tornado roll into one in our lives.
I went from being a wife to a
foe fighting for my marriage.
Our life turned into a competition I
never signed up for, never expected
or willing to participate in.
It became extremely obvious
I was in the middle of the
worst competition of my life.
My husband was literally told
he had to choose between his
wife and his adult child.
When I realized this, I sat my
partner down you need to fix this.
You need to stop this runaway train.
you have thrown me into a ring where
I am in competition with your adult
child and I will not participate.
I am your wife and she is your child.
They are your children.
she needs to understand that
his love and commitment to
her, to them will never change.
I informed my partner that if this
marriage is to survive, I need to
have his commitment His children
has a right to be the number
one in his life as his children.
I too have a right to be the
number one in his life as his wife.
I explain that line should never
be crossed, confused, or merged.
I further informed my husband that if
I ever demand or expect him to forsake
the dynamic of his children as it
pertains to his love and his commitment
to them, he should stand up for them.
Likewise.
If his adult children or child
refused to acknowledge and respect
my place in his life as his wife,
then it was his duty to clarify this
role and my importance in his life.
Albeit this decision lies solely with him,
I felt bold to have that conversation
with him at the time because I felt
that we had an amazing marriage.
The issue at that time was the
voiceless valueless role I felt
placed in Applauded by his children
and supported indirectly by him.
My foreshadowed angst of his oversharing
with his children had now matured into
the nightmare I hope would never happened.
It seemed my husband had lost complete
control of our lives and our marriage.
These kids knew way too much about
our marriage and our lives, and now
they have the handle of this knife.
While my partner was holding
onto the blade, he was powerless.
He was at their mercy.
He had became a king without a throne.
He was incapable of standing up for
himself, for his wife, for his children.
This scenario had now become
whatever they want.
He had no control.
That is not something
that I had signed up for.
I had reached my limit in standing
down allowing this to go on if they
control my partner I was inherently.
Inheriting that control from
his child and I was tapping out.
I was no longer going
to sit by and be silent.
I loved his children, but I am a mature,
independent adult who had an amazing life.
I was in total control of everything
in my world before I met my husband.
The volcano was no longer rumbling.
My eruption was to finally stand up
and speak up and ask, what about me?
Do I matter?
Do I have a say in my life and
my commitment to my husband?
I loved my husband.
I loved my marriage.
It was in my heart.
My forever love and my forever mate.
I was not giving up on us because of
misunderstandings and misdirections.
It turned out a marriage is salvageable.
Only if both parties are equally invested.
I continue to love and support his
children, but from the moment I spoke
up and lovingly requested exactly what
I hoped they have in their relationship,
the ability to be the wife, the woman
in my marriage, it seemed there was
nothing I did or said that would
sway his kids I went from sweet and
kind and silent to enemy number one.
His child made one decision I had
to go I held hope and showed up.
Until her hate became so
visceral that she, they stopped
speaking to me completely.
Even then, I supported and
encouraged my partner to not change
his dynamic with them turned out.
All my efforts were either being twisted
and they were told something else or his
child, refused to believe in my integrity.
I was met with how I am trying to destroy
my partner's relationship with his kids.
Massive guest lighting at its peak.
Except I had no idea what was
going on I was on a hamster wheel
re-explaining and completely confused
and hurt as to why I am being told.
I am saying, and doing the very opposite
of what I was actually saying and doing.
It became so bad that I lost my mind.
Literally, I ended up in the hospital.
My husband and his children and their
family had an amazing family, hing while
I was holed up in the hospital from a
mental breakdown from the stress and
the dynamic that I was living with.
This is my experience.
I was not the other woman
in my husband's life.
He was completely single and available
and dating when we met, so that may
cause this to be in a different category.
Divorce, separation loss is so hard.
Especially when we are
blindsided and cheated on.
I am so very sorry that
standing up for our kids as
parents are not more important.
To some, it saddens me that any
woman would stand by and allow
their partner to turn their
backs on their own kids for them.
You continue to show up and be the best
parent you can for your amazing children.
I hope your efforts and sacrifices
will never be forgotten by them ever.
I get a sense that your kids might
be minor, In summary, the most
important takeaway is love, respect.
Support should always be
given to our children.
Minor or adults, no exception.
A partner, a spouse, should never
have such power that Someone give
up the right to be an amazing parent
to their child, adult, or minor.
Thank you so much for joining me this
week on this very delicate conversation.
life so often take turns.
We do not always see coming.
Our children deserve a life
with loving, supportive parents.
If you are tagged and you
are it, be there for them.
Show up and spend your life, not just
living, but reinventing and growing
into your most authentic selves.
They will thank you later.
Please like, subscribe, and share,
and we will see you next week.
Have a great week everyone.
Bye.