Managing Healthy Relationships

In Episode 3 of BeWill Doha, Yana Hadad and her guests explore the complexities of relationships, focusing on maintaining a balance between connection and personal growth. They discuss the importance of vulnerability, staying true to oneself, and navigating breakups. The episode also touches on human nature, trust, and the challenges of adapting to change in relationships.

What is BeWell Doha?

The BeWell Podcast series discusses a variety of topical wellbeing issues based on identified student pressure points and national health and wellbeing campaigns for our campus in Qatar.

Hi, everyone. Welcome to the third episode of BeWill Doha. I'm Yana Hadad. It's the third episode and I'm still uncomfortable saying my full name, but that's who I am. So it's nice to meet you. Let's get into today's topic relationships. This could mean any kind of relationship, whether that's a friendship, a family relationship, a romantic relationship, even a work relationship. It's going to be very broad. So just take what resonates. I've always been interested in hearing about other people's relationship dynamics, why they do or don't work, why people do the things they do, why they hang out with who they hang out with. It's very interesting to me and so I'm excited to talk about it. I also don't feel like it's discussed enough, considering that's one of the key components of everyone's lives that makes us human. It's exciting because I talk about this with my friends literally all the time. And so how cool is that irony? I'm essentially my friend's relationship therapist in every sense of that word, and I'm not even kidding. So I'm excited to get into this. Let me reiterate, this is about relationships in general, not a specific type of relationship. Again, if it resonates with you, take it. We're going to begin by introducing our amazing guests that are with us today.

Hey, guys. So I'm Shayla. I'm currently in my third year of business management, and I would love here to come talk to you about a little bit about relationships and different aspects.

I am Stephen. Stephen Fettes I'm one of the lecturers here at AFG actually I’m here with two of my students and with one of my colleagues. And I'm going to pass the microphone over to him now. Here you go.

Thank you, Stephen. My name is Robert. As you can tell from my quirky accent, I’m from New Zealand, of course, I'm one of the lecturers here at AFG College, and it's a pleasure to be here to discuss the rather insightful topic that we're going to talk about.

Amazing. Thank you, guys, again for being on this episode. I'm so excited to talk about it, especially with you. So first thing I wanted to discuss is the sort of dependency you feel once you meet someone you connect with or you like being around, especially when you're young. I think this applies. Everyone's done it. I think it could really hurt in the long term. Let me explain. Sometimes when meeting someone new, you can become obsessed with them. Not in a bad way, per se. They just kind of become all you think about. And I think it's normal. But when you become really, quote unquote, obsessed with a person, it can make you feel pretty awful in the long term because of a few things. Firstly, the way they communicate with you begins to completely control your emotions and how your day goes. If they don't contact you for a day or two, it has a detrimental impact on your day. On the other hand, if you're feeling more nonchalant about a relationship, you're putting effort into it, but you're also putting effort and time and love into yourself. The way they communicate with you and treat you will not impact you as deeply because you're not depending on them for your day-to-day happiness and comfort. You know, no matter what they say or what happens if it doesn't work out, you'd be sad and bummed. But you know, you can get over it. You'll be fine. When relationships go bad, sometimes it's tempting to want to dig yourself into a hole and listen to sad music completely isolate from the world. So, I think making sure you're controlling yourself, focusing on your own life and your own other hobbies, your other relationships, as much as that one that has the most impact on you. Keeping all these things up equal priority in your life and not putting all that responsibility on somebody else is very important. So, if you have a relationship that's very dependent in an unhealthy and detrimental way and you need advice on how to kind of get out of it because it's possible. I think the biggest thing is limiting time with them, you know, not spending every single day with them, not clearing your schedule for them, making time with them special while still spending time with people that aren't them, whether that's other friends or family or being by yourself, especially spending time by yourself is rare, but it is so important to focus on you, your work, just bettering yourself, maybe exercising, maybe starting a new hobby, or reviving an old one. Focusing on these types of things can help minimize the dependent feelings you may be feeling towards someone. Being alone can be scary, but I think that being dependent on someone completely and not having a life outside of them is a million times more scary. If you fill your free time with stuff that doesn't involve them, then it's less scary if that doesn't work out. And that's that for me on this subtopic. What do you guys think? Do you agree? Do you have any stories you'd like to share?

I can just say a quick comment about it. I agree. Everything and what you said, what I noticed a lot is that people get lost within that other person and they forget that they are their own individuals. Whereas even if you're in a friendship or whatever kind of relationship it is, you're still two different individuals with your two own different worlds, and you should still treat your own time as your own time. It even actually encourages the time you spend apart like You miss each other. So, then the time you do spend together is much more enjoyable. And I guess one of the. Ways they could also remember or get out of that cycle is to remember how you spent your time before you met them. So you weren't that dependent obsessed person, of course, But maybe implementing those things you did before can help you get back and remember how you felt.

I think it's very important when we're thinking about relationships with others to build on the relationship slowly. Let things to be a slow burn because people's characters reveal themselves over time, don't they? You know, it's quite interesting when you go into a shop and someone says, you know, have a nice day and all this, and you think, Oh, wow, they're being really friendly to me, but they're just putting on an act actually, you know, you don't really know. That's not their real persona necessarily. And they're often their character is a slow burner. And I think jumping in can be ill advised in many cases. And it's best just to get to know people slowly. Sometimes the people you meet, and you think, oh God, he's horrible. And in the end he becomes one of your best friends. You know, it's quite often it changes completely over time. So I'm all for letting things slowly develop rather than jumping and becoming obsessed and then perhaps being disappointed or broken hearted in the long term.

I think that looking back on your comment, Stephen, about making relationships slow burners, I think it's easy to say, but really difficult to do in practice.

Do you think it depends on the person? Perhaps different people react slower or faster. Some people want a result early on and other people are quite happy perhaps to let things. I'm thinking of you and I being different characters aren't.

We are.

Things differently.

And yeah, that's possibly correct. And that when people don't react the way that you think or hope that they do, then the relationship tends to be affected in some kind of way. Are we by nature, or are we evolutionary in the fact that we want to be social?

yes, we are I think we are we are social animals. Yeah.

Well, it was I think I was just looking it up because I thought I'd heard the word that man is a social. And when I talk about men, I think about all of us being a social animal. Are we? I'm hardwired to want to form relationships with people. Is it important to us?

Actually, a few days ago I saw an article and psychologists have been researching on about it, how they say that your relationships actually impact your longevity of your life. So you're better relationships you have, the better quality relationships you have. It affects your long-term well-being and actually how long you might even live. I mean, because it depends on your mental state a lot and your emotional state. So I think that's something really interesting to look at.

There was something in the paper the other day about, you know, people who are divorced and live on their own having a shorter life span than people who are in a in a relationship, in a partnership which suggests that we are hardwired to being groups or to be with one other person. I don't know.

I mean, even during the pandemic, I think it was very evident that we were all being deprived of social. And of course, you would come across people who were okay being alone, and they actually like being isolated at home for a while.

But for many people, I think it was like a big change of, you know, not being able to go out with friends and hanging out. It was big.

Yeah.

Yeah. Difference.

And like sitting in a room with someone else in the room is different, isn't it, from sitting in the room on your own reading.

Oh I totally agree. The idea that we are hardwired to, to form relationships is quite an interesting thing to explore. So, as you say, Stephen, you can be alone. But just knowing that there's someone else, there is part of that relationship and it's become so very comforting to us. And as you say, that comfort could have long term health benefits for us. What do you think of the idea that people that say, oh, I'm fine on my own? Because I think that's something that really annoys me with people is that, Oh, hi, Would you like to do this? Oh, no, I don't want to do that. I'm fine on my own. Are they really fine on their own?

I think they are. I mean, it depends on what you. Talk about well-being. If you feel comfortable and in yourself and at peace with the world and you feel that physically and mentally, or you can cope with things and you can do that by being on your own, I think that's we have to take that on board and we have to respect that. And, you know, it's interesting that sometimes when you're in a relationship, you want to be on your own. It's often said that, you know, men like to retreat to their man cave, don't they? You know, where, you know, there's a snooker table or there's a pinball machine or whatever, or they don't see anybody, their wife, or their partner or whatever, for half a day or a day or so. Well, people who spend time on the on the golf range or something like this, they go off and do something on their own because that gives them sort of like up the pressure valve that's been released in some ways, you know, with being with people, being in a partnership. Having friends does lead to social pressure. If you feel you have to behave in a certain way, you're putting on a certain persona to your friends and to the world. And maybe sometimes it's better just to be spend some time being yourself, being on your own, just to let that that a cooling off time in some ways to be, you know, to be a bit miserable, not miserable, but to be a bit and a bit selfish in some ways, you know, in some ways people need to be sometimes to think about themselves and to be a little bit more inward looking and introspective, not always looking out and tit needs to be a balance there. That's one of the secrets, I think, of knowing you’re not just your work life balance, but your friend and on your own balance, same group individual balance.

yeah, I get it.

Yeah, yeah. You see what I'm saying?

I mean, just a quick note. I don't think anyone at the end of the day is a lone wolf or that anyone. I mean, imagine being isolated on an island and we’ve all seen the movies being alone for 40 days. That's a long time, even just to imagine it. But I think as Stephen and Rob mentioned, it is important to have your own time, you and the other day, your own individuals, and you need to have your own thing going. And there's we all have different personality types. So maybe some people are charged by other people's energies, if that makes sense. And there's people who are charged by being alone. It just really depends on the amount and capacity. But I think we're all pretty social beings. In the end of the day.

One of the things that I enjoy doing is the newspaper crossword every day. Okay, don't laugh, okay? And I sit there on my own for probably around an a hour and a half, maybe in the evenings and just do the crossword. It’s good for the mind, good for the memory, good for you. Looking at me with knitted brows, I know like what on earth, you know. And so. But. But that to me gives me space. Do you know what I mean? That gives me space. And another. Another way that I give myself personal space and I think that helps in my wellbeing is being able to sit at my piano and play what I like to myself for again, for half and half for an hour. I remember my mother said to me when I was very small, when I was learning the piano, Stephen, she said, because that's how she spoke. Stephen If you play the piano, you'll never go mad. So I mean, that's a bit. But what she's saying is it's good for your well-being to be able to have that outlet, isn't it? So that space, this personal space.

What an interesting conversation and really interesting input from all three of you. I remember in the last episode we did for the last season, which kind of sparked the whole idea for this podcast. We talked about social anxiety with Bekah, who was the previous host in the last season, and I had mentioned a point on humans are naturally interested in other humans, and the proof of that is, first of all, social media. Almost everyone is on social media. People like watching what other people do, what other people say and think, that's why documentaries exist. That's why, you know, TV shows exist, movies, stuff like that. It's just I think it's natural for other humans to be interested in humans regardless on whether somebody is more extroverted or introverted than others. But yeah, I think it's also very important to spend time alone and to know yourself before you kind of commit to anything. Thing, whether that's a friendship or relationship or even work. You know, right now I'm going to discuss something that, you know, even I've done. I've noticed how in relationships, particularly the beginning stages of meeting somebody new, we kind of conform a little bit. We kind of agree with everything they say just so they think we have stuff in common. And I think I'm pretty very much a people pleaser in the sense that I just want everyone to be comfortable around me and happy even if it's at my own expense. So, I don't do this anymore because I don't think it's true to me at all. But I used to tend to agree with everybody just so everybody would feel comfortable, and they wouldn't feel judged for their opinions or what they like or don't like. This even applies to when we would pretend to be interested in things, we're not interested in just to impress a person or a group of people. Over time I realized it's so much cooler when the people you're talking to have different opinions than you. Some people think it doesn't work. Some people that say that if a few of your friends don't agree with you and you have different opinions to each other, it's not going to work. It's just it's not going to last the long term. And I beg to differ because I think having different opinions or interests opens the door to learn something more about someone new. Because if you and the person you're speaking to have everything in common, there's nothing new to learn or to take from. Whereas if one person, for example, loves to paint and the other person loves to skateboard, you know, you can kind of switch that knowledge and teach each other something new, which is pretty important, you know what I mean? Or if one person in a group of ten is vegetarian, you know, maybe don't go to a steak house together like some people think friends or any people who are close to each other have to have everything in common, even if it means adjusting your opinion or conforming to others opinion. But I think personally that that's very unnecessary. If you have an opinion, just say it. It makes you a lot more interesting in relationships, and I love to be challenged a little bit. For example, like, for instance, if I send someone a song that I love and they say, well, that song is absolute garbage, the conversation about why they don't like it would be so much more interesting than the conversation we'd have. If we both like the song most of the time. Not always, isn't it kind of fun, obviously you're going to agree on some things, which is great, but don't change your opinion for anyone else. Your opinion is your opinion. And I think that's all I got to say about this one. I'm glad I grew out of that habit because I feel like I've made a lot more genuine friends since that and formed, more meaningful relationships where I'm comfortable and I connect better with them because I'm not in my own head, in my own little lie. I think that's it for me about staying true to yourself. What do you guys think? Do you agree or do you have any stories that come to mind?

You know, I remember when I was married and I would go out with my male friends, my wife would say, you know, what on earth are you talking about? You know, I don't understand, but I don't worry. It's all men together and we all talk rubbish so don't worry about that, you know. So, it's interesting, but when I'm obviously when I was with her, I was completely sensible, you know. But so as I say, it's different people, different groups, different elements, different sides of my personality come forward or step back.

I definitely agree with Stephen. I think in every situation or group of people, and they evoke different elements of your personality. But like Yana said as well, does it matter what the situation is? I think it's best to always stay true to yourself and don't try your best, not see, you know, go. I'm also a bit of a I used to be much more also a people pleaser. So, I know where you're coming from. But I think especially if you're having different personalities with like friends or meeting different people, it is actually much more interesting sometimes as you got more topics to talk about and in the end of the day, you actually become a little bit more open minded even and open to different opinions. Cultures, as I was going to say, it's better not to fake your interest, but show genuine interest. And you'd notice when you show interest in someone else, they're going to show your interest back to you. So, you're going to get it either way and it's going to be the true way.

So I find that sometimes when you introduce someone so you've got two groups of friends and you introduce one person from one group into the other group, you think, oh, that they would fit in or they wouldn't fit in at all. And it's interesting the dynamic that has to develop in front of you, you know, oh, I know this person for I know this person from work. Now I want to meet these guys, you know, And you're saying it's a risk, isn't it? Sometimes, because sometimes it's easy to put that keep that person in that friendship relationship box, you know, not let them out to meet someone from another relationship box. Because that might work. It might not.

Are we, in fact, by nature having. Lots and lots of different personalities depending on the relationship, the level of a relationship that we're having.

I think we are. I think that's what that's what I. That's what I'm claiming. I don't know if that's scientific.

And are we products of our appearance is simply for the fact that you know I mean I think that we if we go back to this idea of being hard wired, I think we're hard wired to collaborate and communicate with each other. But of course, that's perhaps our nature part. But the nurtured part is the my mother and father were very. As a matter of fact, people. And so I’m I And so are we, like a result of what our parents of the influence they had on us.

I mean, I come from a very stable family background. My parents were always there for me, very supportive. I was the eldest of three. I think I was the apple of my mother's eye, as we say. You know, the first-born little Stephen was like special. You know, to me, I often felt guilty that perhaps some of that affection was not as much to my brothers and sisters, although they love them equally, I think. But somehow, I felt. So, I think that has given me confidence in many ways to go out into the world, ready to face the nastiness and things that perhaps when I look at my brother, He’s got a different person personality and a different approach. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, I think family are very important to how you think about how you develop relationships. It can formulate take and it can be a basis for how you think about relationships. It gives you confidence, sort of as the case may be.

Just to I guess add on what Rob said, if I understand correctly. You also mentioned that children usually pick up traits from their parents. So, I think in some maybe most cases, if it's in a good, stable family household, I think that a lot of those traits would be that the kids would actually pick up those traits of their mom or their dad. But I've also seen cases even with few of my friends were in there. They have a very bad relationship with one of their parents, and they claim to be that they will never ever be anything like them or resonate to them because they know it's not stable and they would never want to give that to maybe their future kids or their future relationships. I think it depends, but I think the more stable the family is, I think the more you pick up of those traits and stuff.

I absolutely agree. And I think, again, you have to have excellent insights into these topics. I do think everybody is obviously, to a certain degree, influenced by the way they were brought up, whether that's the culture, different house, different school, even the schools you went to, the friends you had growing up, that's going to influence how you act with your friends today. That's a really interesting topic. Thanks for bringing that up, guys. So the last subtopic I want to discuss, I feel like I can go on and on about this topic, but I'm going to sum it up here. The last topic I want to discuss revolves around how to deal with any kind of relationship ending. So I think people respond in one of two ways. Number one, oh my gosh, I'm never going to get over this. This person was meant to be in my life forever. I'm traumatized. I'll never talk to another human being again. I'm so heartbroken. I'm so sad. I'm so angry. I'm never going to move on. I just want to melt into my bed and cry forever. Or. Number two. Okay, that's awful. That happened. It wasn't meant to be. I know that we're better off without each other. I still respect this person. I understand. We were not meant to be in each other's lives. I see. For the second type of, you know, scenario that I just said, I don't think it really needs to be discussed. It's not as significant because there's not much of an emotional or a mental toll unless maybe they did something to hurt you or upset you, but you're also still not that attached to that relationship anymore. Even if feelings are lost, you can still kind of feel hurt. It's totally human, but I think it's a lot easier to move on from than the first scenario. If a relationship ends unexpectedly and you feel like you've lost like a soulmate or a soul sister or soul brother, then it hurts. And I think we should talk about it. I think the first time a significant relationship ends, it's the time it hurts the most. I think after that, it kind of tends to get a lot easier from what I can tell, and I've experienced. I'm still very young and maybe someone with more experience will disagree completely. We'll hear about that in a second. I don't think I've ever been heartbroken personally by any relationship yet, knock on wood. But I have seen people go through it. And I've seen how it makes them really weak when it happens, no matter how strong they usually are on a regular basis. So, I'll try to give tips on how to get over that heartbreak. But this advice is solely from observation, not experience. So, I may not have all the right tools. Basically, work on bettering yourself. Work on your hobbies. Your other relationship. Which ties into what I said in the beginning of the episode. This one person's not the world. No matter how much it feels like they are. Over time it will get better. And I've seen it happen countless times. You might still think about it. It still might cross your mind even as the years go by. But that's life. Basically, just spend a lot of time with your friends, with your family, cook, get a new hobby, make new friends, make new relationships, be a little more social, even if it's out of your comfort zone, put yourself out there. Because I think the thing people miss the most when relationships with someone close to you end is that constant communication that you have. So if you go be social for a little bit, I think it can help limit that lonely feeling. I think that's all I have to say about the end of relationships and how to recover from them. I think I really deep delve into this topic of relationships here, so I hope something valuable maybe came out of it. If you guys want to hear more about it, obviously you know how to contact. I'll talk about it later. Anyways, I want to hear from you guys now. What do you think is the best way to get through heartbreak from relationships?

I'm the eldest, so I've probably had more experience of relationships breaking up and not breaking up. In my experience, there's two ways of approaching it. Some people approach it like this. I'm never, ever going to speak to him or talk about him or her ever again. I hate him\her. Whatever. Okay. Bitterness. Begrudging. Okay. Now there's that way of doing it. And I'm not saying it's a wrong way of doing it, but many people want a cut. They want the knife to come down. And that's it. No more. I’m a little bit more philosophical in that I heard what you were saying about, you know, get on with life and accept things that have a life cycle often, don't they? They come, they grow to fruition, and they die. So, I think part of building a relationship is the acceptance that perhaps at one point in the future it may go sour, it may end. You know, people die. That's the end of a relationship, isn't it? You know, we've got to mourn their passing. So, I would say that having a philosophical approach, looking at it as a bigger picture, looking at it holistically, you know, it's part of life, but it's not the be all and end all. And there are, you know, other friends’ relationships to build. And the fact that one is ended, well, it's not the end of the world. It's the end of the friendship.

I think that the whole moving on aspect of, oh, you can just go be busy. It's very easy to say, but it's very hard. It's a very, very hard thing to do. And even when you are busy and doing these things, if you still think about in the back of your head, which is completely normal, but it is true that being busy and like doing things, even if it's I don't know, your work or studying does help a lot to occupy your time. So then that, whoever that person may be your best friend or whatever relationship ended that they're less kind of on your mind. And I agree with Stephen with the philosophical approach where it's like it's maybe meant to be even down the line. Maybe if it ended now, maybe, maybe it will revive later on. Maybe it's just the wrong timing. And I'm personally like a religious person and it may differ from person to person, but for maybe those who may believe in God, it's sometimes it's even easier to kind of put your trust in him. And then, you know, you see where that goes. And if you also believe that if it's meant to be taken much more easier, whereas maybe someone else would see it differently.

You know, once again, I'm going to go back to this idea of our evolutionary journey. Are we hardwired to trust? Yeah, we had wanted to bond. And once we've bonded, part of that bonding process is to trust one another. And when we lose that trust, we seem to be really torn apart by it. We never we don't feel as though we can get over it. So what I was thinking was we don't take rejection very well and all of the things that come from rejection, you know, all of the physical and mental results of being rejected, especially from a relationship.

Trust is like glass. And once it's broken, you can never get back together again.

Yeah. And so that's what I was thinking about. I was thinking more that we're hardwired to bond with hard wired, to collaborate. Once we're in a relationship, we break down our barriers and we give it over trust and win that trust. And at the end of it, any relationship. We feel that our trust has been broken in itself and we find it very hard to get over. The result of that is that we have feelings of rejection, and those feelings of rejection always manifest themselves in so many different ways that we fall deeper and deeper into a sense of worthlessness. And so I don't know. What do you think about that?

I don't know. I'm thinking, again, we've got to look at the bigger picture haven’t we, we have to stand back and say, well, this is part of life. You know, it's that it's the good things and the bad things. We mustn't always expect life to be, you know, wonderful. Yeah, exactly. You know, most people are not happy all the time. They might be happy twice a month, but most of the time, you know, life is bearable, isn't it? Okay, Yeah, but, you know, look, Thursday afternoon, whatever football team wins or whatever it is, something makes you happy, but you're not blissfully happy running around full of the joys of spring. Every day. Every hour 24\7, happiness and joy comes and goes. So, I think we must we've got to see. As you say, breaking up is part of one of the things you accept when you go into a relationship.

Also, I agree. How about the idea that we as humans don't like change? And that's when a relationship end is something that we're not well suited.

Especially if it's unexpected.

Yes. Yes. That we actually like as humans, we like status quo regardless of how that relationship is going at the time. You know, you hear about all of these family violence issues, and they stay together simply because perhaps they're hard wired to keep the status quo.

Yeah, I've got I've got friends who have been married for 30 years and all my other friends say, what on earth are they doing still together?

Oh, you still doing it? Yeah.

Yeah. You know, gosh, they argue all the time. But obviously they're happy. They're content that they're satisfied in that in that relationship.

Natural instinct to resist change.

And just to keep sticking.

To the status quo.

I can see we could just conclude real quick. I think we are naturally hardwired to trust. I mean, the way to build any kind of relationship, friendship, even from a young age, is made through that trust. And that basically comes from being and showing your vulnerability. And that's when all the walls come down and that's when the real stuff begins to happen. Because without vulnerability, you won't form any real connections and you won't really get to know the person and you won't be able to show your true self to the other person.

Yeah, that's basically it. Thank you, guys, so much for your time. I hope the listeners enjoy listening to this. I hope you guys enjoy talking about it. I had so much fun. This is a topic I have so many thoughts on, and I feel like we could talk for hours, but this is the longest podcast episode so far.

Might get everyone back again.

So I hope you got something valuable out of it. That's the whole point of this podcast. Let me know what topics you want to hear next by emailing [e-mail]. Thanks for listening. Don't force yourself to be with people who are not great. Goodbye.