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In this episode, Dani tells her story of beginning to take medication for depression and anxiety. Dani also talks about what to be aware of before and while taking these types of meds.
For links & recommendations, see full episode notes.
Dani is honest and refreshing in her takes on the world and society. Listen as she explains how she’s come to understand the world through kindness, both towards ourselves and everything else.
[0:00] Hey there! Welcome to Understanding Kindness, I’m Dani. Today we’ll be continuing with my journey of depression and anxiety, so a little content warning here. I won’t be going too in-depth about them in this episode, but I will be discussing my journey with medication to treat them, as well as a bit about the medications themselves. I do want to stress that this is only my story, I’m not a professional so please take this as only a suggestion; this is just what’s worked for me. With this episode, I want to inform and empower people in similar situations. This information will be useful to most people though because even if you aren’t experiencing depression or anxiety yourself, it’s likely that someone in your life is, and this information could help them. So take a listen. Welcome to this episode of Understanding Kindness.
[0:58] (Theme).
[1:04] So last week we left off with my psychologist, Dr. A, suggesting that I try meditation. I began meditating pretty regularly in the mornings using the app Headspace. Now, I’m gonna be honest here, in the beginning I wasn’t seeing results. Sure, I’d stop during the day to take a few quiet breaths every now and then as per the recommendation of Headspace, but there was nothing that I could point to and be like, yeah, this meditation thing is working because of x,y,z. In my experience and my opinion, it wasn’t what the actual meditation was bringing me, but just the simple act of incorporating the practice into my daily routine that was what started bringing about change. So meditating was the first and only thing that I started doing in the beginning. I just needed to get myself up and doing something to get my day going, and for me, meditating gave me that push. So, although I wasn’t able to point to anything specific in that meditation was doing for me at the time, I can look back now and recognize that it did help me to get started on my journey to feeling better and happier simply just by incorporating it into my life. I’ve learned much more about it and from it since then, so it’s great for that too.
[2:24] From there, I also began going outside to read during the day. This allowed me to get a lot of vitamin D, which helps with our moods. I didn’t have a 9-5 job at this time (in fact, I’ve only ever had that once in my life for like 3 months and it sucked real bad), but, anyway, so that meant I was just home during most of the day and didn’t work until the evening. I was lucky enough to be starting in this situation, and I recognize that. I recognize that not everyone has this luxury too. So, maybe you’re not able to read outside for a long time, but, if you can, try to find some time in your day where you can be outside soaking in those sweet, sweet rays.
[3:10] A few months into going to therapy we began turning into the winter months. The days were getting shorter and the sunless hours longer. What are we supposed to do when we have such a limited amount of sunlight during the day, especially if we’re stuck at work for the majority of that time? Luckily, Dr. A was experienced and knew her shit. She suggested I get a sun lamp. Sun lamps are little UV light boxes that you just plug in and sit next to; so they help substitute vitamin D from the sun. Very helpful during the long winter months. So I got one and started using it sporadically for about 30-45 minutes at a time. Mostly, I’d just sit and read with the box (oh, by the way, don’t look directly into them because they are very strong and can damage your eyes, much like looking into the sun. So don’t do that.) But anyway, I couldn’t really tell any difference once I began using this, but at this point I wasn’t as tuned in with my body and my moods as I am now, so take that with a grain of salt. Also, because I was in such a dark place at this point still, it was hard just to tell if there was any improvement in my mood at all. Regardless though, I recognized the science and continued with it because it was probably doing something, right? Similarly to how I wasn’t seeing any immediate results from meditating, I wasn’t seeing any immediate results from using this sun lamp, but I continued with it as much as I could remember to just the same.
[4:44] So by this time, I’m meditating pretty regularly in the mornings and taking little quiet breaths a few times throughout the day, oh, and using this sun lamp a few times a week. I was trying to see and hang out with friends more frequently, but still wasn’t going out too much at all. At about this same time though, I began going on dates with Jorge. He was very supportive throughout a lot of this, but it was still very new between us. I wasn’t sure if I was ready for another relationship at this point. I could barely even take care of myself. But he stood by the whole time, and he’s stood by ever since too. As much support as he and my mom were at this time, things were still very difficult for me. I was being a little more social with going out with Jorge every so often, but personally it was still really difficult to get out of bed in the morning and face the day. I was keeping up with the healthy habits of meditating and being outside, but still not feeling that great overall. I was still going to therapy weekly too, so there was that. But as more and more months passed where I was continuing to try my hardest, while still being depressed and anxious, I felt I needed more help.
[6:00] At around this same time, my mom, sister, and I were going to Myrtle Beach to celebrate my mom’s 60th birthday. We had some family friends there and hung out with them a lot. And I know one of our friends had been taking anti-anxiety/depression medication and I wanted to know about their experience with it. Their view of it was that it helped them wake up in the mornings and not feel dreadful. Like, it made waking up clearer, or it made it feel normal. I didn’t really understand what they meant by that, but it seemed like something that they appreciated. So this got me thinking more about my option of taking meds to help me along in this journey. I also reached out to a cousin that I also knew had been taking medication for anxiety & depression. They told me their experience and how they used it on-and-off to help them through difficult times. This gave me another perspective and helped inform my own decision about getting on the medication. At my next appointment with Dr. A, I brought up the subject with her and she agreed that it could be helpful for me. I was nervous, but she kind of eased my nerves. So, I made an appointment with the resident psychiatrist and began taking an anti-anxiety/depression medication.
[7:21] Before I go on, I want to discuss these medications. I’m gonna grabbing from both what I learned in college, as well as conversations I had with my doctors. These drugs are highly addictive, especially when they’re not used properly and without appropriate supervision by a medical professional that has your best interests in mind. The intent of the medicine is to support you while you integrate healthy habits into your life that will naturally combat the depression and anxiety. They are not intended for you to take and do nothing yourself to make yourself better. Taking them alone, without implementing healthy lifestyle habits into your life, will do nothing but keep you taking them for the rest of your life. That’s very important to know. Having that knowledge allowed me to take the medication and use it as a tool towards my overall recovery, not as a solution to the pain. It’s important and much more preferable (if you’re able to) to find a medical professional who understands this as well, and isn’t just pushing you to take more and more drugs. Their agenda, as well as yours, should be to get safely off the meds as soon as possible, from the moment you begin taking them. If their agenda seems to be anything different, I’d suggest finding someone with your best interests at heart, if you can. It helps a lot, too, if you’re able to find a therapist that works with your psychiatrist or GP, or whoever’s prescribing, they work closely so they can relay messages between each other. If you’re not able to find this kind of situation, just try to stay critical of your doctor’s intentions with putting you on the medication. Again, the overall goal should be to help you get to a place, as quickly and as safely as possible, where you no longer need the medication at all and the habits you’ve implemented into your life are able to keep you happy and healthy all on their own.
[9:27] Now here’s a bit about the medications and how they actually work inside your body. First of all, like I said start with as low of a dosage as possible is always. That’s gonna be the best route, no matter your level of depression or anxiety. You don’t want to be putting more of this into your body than your body actually needs. These medications use a supplemental form of serotonin to get more of this chemical into our systems. Serotonin, among other things, helps regulate our mood. So, when we experience depression or anxiety, our body is trying to function with lower-than-normal levels of serotonin in our system. And that’s extremely difficult. Serotonin does a lot in our bodies and when there’s not enough, for whatever reason, we begin to feel depressed or anxious. The feelings we feel as a result of low serotonin levels are different for everyone. For me, it caused me to experience depression and some anxiety. There are a whole host of different symptoms caused from low serotonin levels, and you can find it with a quick internet search. But, let’s move on. Adding in a supplement of a very powerful chemical that our bodies use for the function of many things where there was a lack before, is tricky and has to be done carefully. That’s why drugs like these can only be prescribed by someone who went to school for a very long time to learn exactly how they work and how to carefully administer them to real people. So, as you can guess, these drugs can be very dangerous if not closely monitored and utilized properly.
[11:01] It’s very common for people to stay on these drugs for a very long time. As you can also guess, putting a supplement like this into your body can cause your body to become addicted to it, especially if you aren’t doing things to allow your body to naturally produce this chemical. Something that happens quite frequently is that the individual will begin at a lower dosage of this medication and continue to need more and more because the body’s tolerance continues to climb as it becomes more accustomed to the dosage. So after a while, the person will reach the max amount that a specific brand of this medication makes (usually around 200mg, I believe). If your body becomes accustomed to 200mg of an outside source of serotonin, it’ll likely begin to crave even more to function. So, at this point, many people switch brands, hoping that this one will cure their maladies, only to find that the same cycle will continue with this brand, as did with the previous. This is so common that now you’ll see ads for medications that say they work when no other medications have for you. These meds usually have a much higher dosage and, I think, they’re main intention in creating a drug like this is to keep the person taking it hooked so they continue needing and buying more of it. This is more likely to happen when the individual is relying solely on the medication to absolve their anxiety and depression.
[12:41] The best way that these drugs work is by working in tandem with our own habits and actions. It’s a supplement. It’s not the cure. Let me say that again, it’s a supplement, it’s not the cure. Supplements support us when we’re not getting enough of something in our diets or habits. Scientists haven’t figured out a chemical way for us to not have to live our lives in these bodies that we’re born on this planet with. It’s not a secret. We have to do the things too. Now, when I first began taking this medication I started at the lowest dosage, which is 25 mg. Now I’m a small person and knew I wouldn’t ever need to go too high in my dosage, and ended up only about a step higher for about a year and a half or so. Throughout that time I did a lot of learning and growing, and doing, and more learning, and more doing. But at the time of first taking these meds, I was not even close to there. I was still thinking about being depressed. I got a lot of encouragement from Dr. A, and my mom and Jorge. And I can’t thank all of them enough. Their encouragement helped propel me forward and see that I was capable of anything. If I want to be happy, I could be. And I wanted to figure out how to get there. But I wanna tell you that you can do anything. Really, you can be happy. I want you to know that, given all your basic needs are met, you don’t need anything else and you have within you the ability to be truly happy. Life wouldn’t be worth living if it weren’t within ourselves to be happy. Of course we need support from others, so find others who support you when you’re being your most authentic you.
[14:39] Sometimes we need support from medication as well, and there’s no shame in that. Use those supports, but know that it’s also on you to do those things to make yourself happy too. And you can do them. You can do anything.
[14:55] I’ll stop here for now. Stay tuned for the next episode when I continue with my journey. And as a change of pace, I’ll be testing out bi-weekly episodes. I want to spend that time to work on each episode more and put more thought and practice into them. As the season begins to change where I live, it’s getting darker earlier and there’s generally less light throughout the day. It’s also getting very cold. On top of that, (full disclosure) I’ve literally just finished with my meds yesterday as of this writing. So, with less opportunity for soaking up that vitamin D I need to do other things in my life right now for myself to keep myself healthy. Oh, and I’m also just getting over being sick, so things have been slow for me the past week or so while I recuperated. All that being said, I’m able to do this right now financially and situationally, I understand that. But I wanted to let you know that that’s what I’ll be doing with that time. I appreciate you listening, and hope you stick with me!
[16:08] And now, {doot-doo-doo-doooo} the recommendations! Uh, yeah so I don’t really have any recommendations for this episode cause that’s all just stuff I learned from my education and my doctors. But I’m happy to give it to you, because it shouldn’t be a secret. So I’ll continue to share as much as I can with you. You deserve it. I’d definitely advise you to see a psychologist if you’re ever experiencing depression or anxiety, or any time you’re feeling not so great or hopeful. And come on back in two weeks on December 8th for the next episode! I’ll see ya then!
[16:51] If you enjoyed this episode, help support the podcast! All this content is free and I’d love to make it my job one day, so if you’re financially able join our patreon or send a one-time or recurring donation through paypal! You can also share an episode with family or friends, and give UK a kind rating and review!
Check out UnderstandingKindness.com for all episodes, transcripts, and blog posts. And why not take a listen to my other podcast, Better When Awkward, co-hosted by my childhood best friend Jasmine!
Get in touch with me by emailing UnderstandingKindness@protonmail.com, or through social media. You can find all links in the episode notes.
For now, be kind, be compassionate, be understanding, and question everything. I’ll be here. Thank you for listening to this episode of Understanding Kindness. [End transcript]