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Lonely Part 3
Sermons from Commons Church. Intellectually honest. Spiritually passionate. Jesus at the centre. Since 2014.
Today, we want to cover a sexual revolution, self sabotage, the factors that build intimacy, and a meaningful encounter with Jesus. But let's start with sex. Welcome to the Commons cast. We're glad you're here, and we hope you find something meaningful in our teaching this week. Hit the commons.church for more information.
Speaker 1:Welcome today. My name is Jeremy. I'm part of the team here at commons, and it is great to have you here with us as we begin this new year together. And we are taking this part of this new year to talk together about loneliness. And that's because regardless of how well each of us are doing right now, the experience of loneliness is something that all of us will face into at some point in our story.
Speaker 1:In fact, I don't know if you heard about this, but the British government has just appointed a minister of loneliness, specifically to tackle an epidemic of isolation, particularly in seniors across The UK. So this is a big deal for us, not just across the pond, certainly here in Canada, and in all ages and stages of life. Now, we don't have a minister of loneliness, but we do have a series called Lonely. And today, I want to wrap up this series by talking about the difference between sex and intimacy. Now, that was probably the sexiest title I could come up with for tonight.
Speaker 1:But really, what we want to focus on today is not the sex. It's really the ways that we often substitute intensity for the hard work of intimacy. First though, we need to look back and gather up what we've talked about so far in series. Because two weeks ago, it was the difference between alone and lonely. And if you are feeling lonely, this is probably one of the first places to start.
Speaker 1:Are you lonely or are you just alone right now? And the thing is a lot of us don't know how to be alone. We don't understand the value of being alone and because of that we often struggle to tap into the real power of being alone. Now, alone can be terrible as well. So hear me, none of us can survive isolated from community.
Speaker 1:But sometimes, what I find is that when people describe loneliness, what they are really describing is a desire to escape from some of the hard things that they are feeling. And as hard as it is, working through rather than avoiding our deepest emotions, this really is the only thing that helps us fully engage with community the way that we were meant to when we're ready. So, being alone and feeling deeply and confronting that interior work that we need to do at times, this is actually what prepares us to know who we are, to be vulnerable, and then to experience community in a healthy healing way. And that's why last week, we talked about the difference between vulnerability and oversharing. If knowing ourself and being vulnerable is important, then understanding appropriate avenues to be vulnerable is crucial.
Speaker 1:One of the things that I see a lot is this realization that we need community. And this recognition that we can't go it alone, which leads to us forgetting that vulnerability is earned. And so, your story is sacred. And the most vulnerable parts of your life are holy and they are not meant for dogs. Now, when Jesus says, don't throw what is sacred to dogs, he's using evocative language here.
Speaker 1:Don't get caught up on this. I love dogs. I love my dog. That's not the point. What Jesus is saying is that not everything is meant for everyone.
Speaker 1:And so, you share that way, be it on Facebook or in person or the first time you meet someone, that is not more vulnerable, it's actually less vulnerable. Because vulnerability is not just about what you share, it is about inviting someone into a very private intimate place in your story. And if everything is always out there for everyone all the time, then there is nothing left to invite the appropriate people into. Now, both of those sermons are online, and we covered a lot of content already in those two weeks. But knowing that we need to be vulnerable, and then understanding the appropriate avenues for vulnerability, that sets us up to talk today about the hard work of intimacy.
Speaker 1:And this is where we need to go, but first, let's pray and then we'll dive in. Lord of lonely places, who shows up in the dark with us in order to comfort and to heal and to welcome us back into your glorious light. Would you be present to us exactly as we need you to be? Reminding us that to be fully human means to be fully dependent. That self sufficiency has always been an illusion.
Speaker 1:Lord, would you help us to be alone well and to know ourselves completely in those spaces. Would you help us to be vulnerable well and to share what is sacred in the appropriate places? Lord, would you help us to understand intimacy intimately and all the ways it transcends the shallow imitations that surround us. And instead, might you call us to the trust and respect and kindness and affection that we see in you. In the strong name of the risen Christ we pray.
Speaker 1:Amen. Okay. Today, we want to cover a sexual revolution, self sabotage, the factors that build intimacy, and a meaningful encounter with Jesus. But let's start with sex. And it's kind of funny when I say it that way.
Speaker 1:Because one, we're in church and we're not supposed to talk about sex. But also because you don't start there, you're supposed to work up to these things. At least that's what I've heard. Foreplay. But I do want to start here however, because if we're going to talk about intimacy, we have to realize that these types of topics are not taboo for us.
Speaker 1:Now, they may be complicated and nuanced, and anyone that doesn't understand that doesn't really understand sex, but they are not taboo. And sometimes, even the way that we translate our bible to keep it clean helps to reinforce some of these unhelpful ideas around sex. Now, famously, there is a bible or there is a book in your bible called the Song of Solomon. And someday, I'm going to do a series on that text, but understand that this is a book about sex. People often want it to be a metaphor for anything but.
Speaker 1:But the simple fact that in Orthodox Jewish culture, you have to be 30 before you're even allowed to read this book. That should tell you they knew exactly what it was all about. So, here's a passage from chapter five where the woman speaks of her lover. If you're under 30, you can plug your ears. His arms are rods of gold set with topaz.
Speaker 1:His body is like polished ivory decorated with lapis lazuli. That's the NIV. Here's the ESV translation. His arms are rods of gold set with jewels. His body is polished ivory bedecked with sapphires.
Speaker 1:And every time I read this, I am always struck by how it echoes the way that my wife Rachel describes me in casual conversations with people. Just yesterday, I overheard her talking about my golden arms, and guys, curls, that's how you get the results. Alright? But what's interesting here is that if you look this up, there is a little asterisk beside the words polished ivory. And if you check the footnotes in the ESV, it says the meaning of the Hebrew is unclear.
Speaker 1:K. Well, the word that they've translated body is the word me'a, which means belly in Hebrew. And the words that they've translated polished ivory are the words eshet shen, which mean a prepared tusk in Hebrew. Ashet actually shows up in Jeremiah 25, and there it gets translated to grow fat. And so what the woman actually says here is that my lover's belly is an ivory tusk, and no one in the room of translators had any idea what that possibly meant.
Speaker 1:This is unashamed naked sexuality and it's in your bible, where anyone could just pick it up and read it accidentally. But even more fascinating than that is the very next verse, which says, his legs are like marble pillars of marble, set on bases of pure gold. His appearance is like Lebanon choice as its cedars. His mouth is sweetness itself. He is altogether lovely.
Speaker 1:Again, it's very similar to how Rachel describes me to her friends, but watch this. This is my lover, this is my friend, daughters of Jerusalem. Now, in Hebrew, these are the terms, dod and ra'ah. That is lover and friend or companion. And so, where we won't even translate this properly for fear of anything titillating being read in church, and then we'll go home and watch music videos where young girls are told that the most important thing they can be is sexy.
Speaker 1:In the Hebrew scriptures, erotic imagery and friendship are pulled together side by side. The way that they were intended to be. There was an article that came out this week about Aziz Anzari and about an unfortunate encounter a young woman had with him. It was part of this ongoing me too discussion where women are feeling the right now to speak up about their experiences of sexual assault. But there was a lot of debate about this particular article because nothing in it even remotely suggested that Anzari had been violent or abusive in this encounter.
Speaker 1:However, this woman came away feeling like she had been pressured or coerced into a sexual encounter. And so the debate that followed in articles and interviews and monologues was, is this just an example of a bad date? Is this an example of assault? Or is this an example of something more nuanced? And what I think we all have to recognize is that sure, of course, there is a difference between inappropriate and criminal.
Speaker 1:But that does not mean that everything short of assault is okay. Sexuality is a part of our lives that is meant to be so intimate and personal that a lot more harm can be done in the bedroom than almost anywhere else. And given that heightened risk for injury, I think we should expect more from people. We should expect them to operate with greater care and concern here than anywhere else in their lives. As Elizabeth Brunig said this week, demanding an expansion of empathy and responsibility when it comes to sex.
Speaker 1:This isn't regressive, it's a sexual revolution in its own right. And this is why in a sense, sex needs to be taken down off this pedestal that we've held it up on. Instead, we need to start talking about things like friendship, loneliness, vulnerability, and empathy, and intimacy first. Because when we confuse the intensity of sex with the intimacy of friendships and relationships, What happens is that we often realize sex is easier to get to than intimacy. And so, we're tempted to take that shortcut instead.
Speaker 1:Look, sex is great, but it's not what makes you human. That Jesus is our example of what it means to be fully alive and he does that with a profound commitment to vulnerability and empathy and intimacy. Not through the expressions of sexuality that we often want to elevate. And so, this is really what we need to talk about today. Because this is not a sermon about sex.
Speaker 1:It's actually a message about loneliness and intimacy. Now, if you're uncomfortable talking about sex, you can breathe again because we're going to leave that and we're going to dive headlong into the questions of intimacy. And if we're going to talk about intimacy, then we need to define what we're talking about. And one of the ways to think about this is to map out the progression of this series so far. Being alone is important so that we come to know ourselves.
Speaker 1:Vulnerability is opening what we learn about ourselves with someone that we trust. Intimacy is when we give someone complete unguarded access to ourselves. And each of those steps are important, and each of them necessarily flow in that order. So everything that we are talking about today depends on everything that we have talked about in the last two weeks. And if you find yourself feeling lonely and wondering about how to process that and move past that, then I hope tonight will be helpful.
Speaker 1:But please understand that intimacy is the end goal of a very long process of self discovery and disclosure. And there is simply no way to go from zero to 60 in one conversation. That's not how intimacy works. In fact, there is some pretty good research that shows that often, some of us will jump to something that looks like intimacy in order to protect ourselves from it. At times, people will jump really quickly into a place of intimacy or at least an imitation of that, either physically or emotionally.
Speaker 1:And then, when the other person recoils, because that is the natural normal response when intimacy comes too fast, then we can say to ourselves, see, they don't really love me. They don't accept me. It's okay for me to withdraw into myself. And the truth is, you actually see this a lot in people who've been through trauma. Now, I'll say this upfront.
Speaker 1:I have been very fortunate in my life, and I have lived a very simple existence. Of course, I've been hurt, and of course, I have experienced deep pain, but I also recognize that my experiences do not give me a platform to understand a lot of what you have gone through. However, research tells us that particularly people who have experienced trauma will often either ignore their pain or become their pain. So they will either push it down in a way or it will become the first thing that they tell you about themselves as a defense mechanism that actually works to keep people at arm's length from them. And so jumping too quickly into something that looks like intimacy, what happens is this short circuits the kind of long slow burn that real intimacy needs in order to develop.
Speaker 1:So, what does intimacy need? Well, as we have done already a lot in this series, we are going to turn here to the work of Brene Brown because she has done some really helpful work in breaking down the factors that intimacy needs in order to flourish. And in her research, she identifies four key factors that are absolutely required for intimacy. No matter what type of healthy relationship she has studied, she has found trust, respect, kindness and affection as the basis. So, what I wanna do today is talk about each of those four things quickly.
Speaker 1:And then, as our pattern has been in the series, I wanna draw our attention to Jesus in an example as we close. So, trust. This one really goes back to where we ended last week. Jesus says, do not throw pearls before swine. Do not offer your wisdom where it doesn't belong.
Speaker 1:And the way I like to say this to myself is that I have to earn the right to be right. And so when it comes to intimacy, honesty and forthrightness are essential, but they need to be filtered through trust. So, when you speak to me, and when you're honest with me, when you offer me some great pearl of wisdom, do I trust that you're on my side when you say it? And sometimes, the only way to earn that kind of trust is to simply be quiet and listen. Now, it has taken me at this point, almost seventeen years of marriage to realize that when Rachel comes home and wants to tell me about her tough day, she is not actually automatically looking for my wisdom in that situation.
Speaker 1:Now, every once in a while, once I have sat and listened and understood what she's going through, she will ask for my opinion. It's rare, but it happens. But that is only because I have earned her trust over and over again by showing that I care more about her than my solution. So, it doesn't matter how intense your relationship is. You won't find intimacy until you trust that that person is for you.
Speaker 1:And that takes time. Next is respect. And there are lots of different ways to think about this. But when it comes to intimacy, I think one of the most important ways to think about respect is what we assume about each other. Very often, in our social media world, I see a real tendency to assume the worst.
Speaker 1:So, there's a headline and there's a byline and often we've made up our mind before we even read the article. That is disastrous when it comes to relationships. If we have any chance of moving towards the kind of depth that we're looking for in our relationships, we have to learn to respect each other enough to assume the best about each other. Now, sometimes, even in our most intimate relationships, someone will offend or injure you. It happens and I'm sorry.
Speaker 1:But nothing will kill intimacy as quickly as assuming the worst or jumping to conclusions about your partner. Listen, there is an enormous gulf between saying to Rachel, you always belittle me. And saying to her, I know you don't mean to, but when you say that, I feel this. Now, she doesn't do any of that IRL, but I needed an example so I made one up because she's amazing. But the difference is, when I respect Rachel, and when I assume the best about my wife, even when it seems like she's let me down, it colors the way that I experience those moments.
Speaker 1:Because respect is about my imagination of who Rachel is. And that shapes everything about our relationship. Next is kindness. And there's two things here. First, Jesus talks about loving each other as we love ourselves.
Speaker 1:And at its simplest, I think this is what we're talking about. Do we treat others the way that we want to be treated? It's pretty simple. But at the same time, sometimes, we kind of imagine that kindness is a secondary part of love. As if we can be harsh and exacting, and as long as we're being truthful, we can still call that loving.
Speaker 1:Well, if you want to develop intimacy, listen to me, that is nonsense. In fact, one of the old testament words that is most often associated with God is chased, which is kindness. And so, intimacy does absolutely take truth and honesty, but it also takes the gentleness and the patience and the willingness to walk the long journey with each other. Intimacy is not just about what we do to each other, it's about how we do it. And the truth is, going back to Jesus' words here, the less kind that we are to ourselves, then the less kind we will be toward those who are near us.
Speaker 1:If you want to develop and work on more intimacy in your relationships, here's one thing you can ask yourself. When you let yourself down, what are the tapes that go through your head? Because if you are critical and shaming, and if you put yourself down and judge yourself harshly, that will come through in your relationships. And so, more kind and compassionate and graceful you can be with yourself, that will pay dividends in the ways that you interact with the people who are near you. Okay.
Speaker 1:Finally, we have affection. And this is certainly where sexuality comes into relationships, but affection is so much more than that. In fact, if you are in a relationship and the only kind of affection or touch you experience is meant to initiate sex, that's a problem. Because affection and touch, these are fundamental human experiences apart from sexuality. And this is something that a lot of men in particular struggle with.
Speaker 1:So, when I was much younger, in my early twenties, I was a youth pastor at a church in Toronto. And one of the things that you do as a youth pastor in Toronto is you coordinate a yearly youth group trip to Canada's Wonderland. And look, I've lived in Calgary for fourteen years now. I've planted a church here. I adopted my son here.
Speaker 1:This is home for Rachel and I, and we are not going back. But Callaway Park, come on. Give me a break. Alright? Like, it's great, but this is no Canada's Wonderland, so don't kid yourself.
Speaker 1:Anyway, this one particular year, I arranged for my church to hook up with another church where a good friend was the pastor. And we took both of our groups to the park, and we're having a great time, and the kids are running around, and I'm walking with my friend, and at one point his hand brushes up against mine, almost into mine as if for a split second we were holding each other's hands. That was a little awkward, but no big deal. So I don't think about it much, and we keep walking on toward the roller coaster. I believe it was called the vortex.
Speaker 1:And at least five minutes later, my friend, unable to look up or look me in the eye says, out of nowhere, that was an accident. And I say, what was an accident? He's like, I didn't mean to touch your hand, that was an accident. And I'm like, dude, have you been thinking about this all this time? Trying to figure out how to tell me you weren't trying to hold my hand on the way to the vortex?
Speaker 1:Long silent pause. Yes. Now, what is that about? That, my friend, is about the over sexualization of touch and the inability of men to be affectionate with each other. Now, I am not what you might call a touchy person at all.
Speaker 1:But I am saying that I need my wife to just sit on the couch with me at times and watch a movie. And I need a hug from my friends at times. And I need to know that there are people with me physically when I hurt and I grieve at times. Because affection is part of how we show that we are present to each other. And intimacy, this is deeper than our sexuality.
Speaker 1:And it is more than our intellectual capacity. It extends beyond our social capital into allowing another human being complete access to the deepest most hidden parts of our story. And so what I wanna show you here as we close is that kind of trust and respect and kindness shown in the hidden spaces of Jesus interactions. And I actually brought this up this fall when the me too moment came to the fore. And I knew that I wanted to talk about it here in this series, but I felt like I needed to talk about it there as well.
Speaker 1:They could, so I did. So this may be familiar territory and I apologize. But in John four, Jesus meets this woman at a well. And this is a powder keg of cultural anxieties. At first, men and women didn't talk out in the open in public this way at the time.
Speaker 1:And second, this woman is a Samaritan and Jesus is a Jew, and these different ethnic groups were at odds with each other and had been for a very long time. Even still, Jesus strikes up a conversation and he asks this woman for a drink which in itself is a really interesting request. Because a religious pious Jew would usually be very concerned about drinking from an unclean utensil. The kind that would be defiled by being touched by a Samaritan. So Jesus is already signaling here in his first words, I'm not who you think I am.
Speaker 1:I am willing to earn your trust in this conversation. But then quickly, they begin to speak about water and life and spirituality, and the conversation moves to something more intimate. Jesus says, go and get your husband and come back. And the woman says, I'm not married. And Jesus says, I know.
Speaker 1:In fact, you've been married five times before. And the man that you're now with is not really your husband. And we have to pause here to recognize the disconnect in this story. And Jesus is somehow supernaturally aware of a backstory that we have no access to. And because of that, his comments can seem very abrupt, almost out of place.
Speaker 1:He's he's almost seems kind of rude to our modern ears. But all that we have to understand his tone and his kindness and the look in his eyes and the appropriateness of this moment is the way that this woman responds to him. And she says, listen, I know that you're a prophet. And I know that a messiah is coming and whatever you have, that's what I'm looking for. And after they speak, she runs to town to tell everyone about this incredible encounter with this man.
Speaker 1:So whatever it is that we're reading here, this is not a moment of shame or hurt or piling injury on top for this woman. What it is, is a profound expression of respect and kindness. You see in this culture, this woman had no say in her marital story. She likely had little to no choice in the men that she married, and she certainly had no choice in the divorce she had endured. A woman simply could not divorce a man in first century Palestine.
Speaker 1:The very famous Rabbi Hillel taught that a man could divorce a woman for any offense even, and this is a quote, something as trivial as burning his lunch. But women had no such rights. So this is not a recounting of her sexual sin or her inability to stay married. And that way read as awkward to our ears, but what this is is Jesus saying, I see your story, and I honor your experience. And, I acknowledge your pain and I bring no judgment into this encounter at all.
Speaker 1:I mean, try to imagine this woman meeting this person who she recognizes as a prophet and thinks might actually be the long promised Messiah. But in the back of her mind, she's got all of this history, this hurt and this hiddenness that she can't bring up in front of him. Imagine, you are standing in front of the divine and feeling like you can't bring your whole self to bear in that moment. And so, Jesus stands with her and with deep affection says, it's all okay. I love you.
Speaker 1:Your story, your ethnicity, your various religious practices, I love all of it because I love you and you are safe here in this moment. We can talk. Now, I think it goes without saying that you and I are not Jesus. And so this moment here is not our model for intimacy. You and I simply don't have this kind of immediate, intimate insight into each other.
Speaker 1:For us, that's earned and it takes time, but what we do have is this exact opportunity to know and to be known even if that takes a lifetime. And so if you are lonely today, may you know that you are not actually alone. May you understand and love yourself well. May you find the courage to risk and be vulnerable with those who have shown that they care for you. And when the time is right, and the investment has been made, and the trust has been earned, may you discover the respect and the kindness and the affection that you deserve as a child of God.
Speaker 1:Because when we speak of loneliness, this is what each of us are searching for. Not simply the intensity of our sexuality, but the intimacy to truly know and be known. And that takes work. Let's pray. God, help us as we bring this conversation of loneliness to a close.
Speaker 1:To recognize that three short sermons barely scratch the surface of an experience so deeply embedded in the human story. And yet, may we recognize your spirit in and through, around and surrounding each of us in this moment. Reminding us that we are loved and we are worthy, that we deserve the kind of intimacy that we were created for. That you offer that to us in you and you invite us to extend that to each other in community. God, if we find ourselves at that place where we need to be alone for a time, to reflect and to do that interior work so that we might come to know ourselves well.
Speaker 1:We pray that you would give us the courage to do that. If we find ourselves on the verge of being vulnerable, and maybe we've been burned before, and it takes a lot of courage to try again, we pray that your spirit would be with us, guiding us, giving us wisdom, finding the right opportunities, but when the time is right, Pushing us to open something of ourselves to those who care. And then, God, when the investment is there and the time is right, when someone has shown that they care deeply for us, be that a partner or a friend or someone that we are coming to care for deeply, may we find the trust and the respect, the kindness and the affection that you show us in another human being. Might we recognize that we are shaped in the image of the God who is perfect community. And as we fall and flail at that in our lives, we honor you with our efforts.
Speaker 1:God be with us as we do. In the strong name of the risen Christ we pray. Amen.