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Turning back the pages of history, In the yesteryears of time, there once was an empire that was mightier than any before and held land greater than any since. A culture rich in architecture, education and art, but there is so little remaining of the Great Khan's dynasty that we can't make fun of it. So to Ancient Rome instead!
Here we join Lord Caesar and his loyal assistant, confidant and friend, Senator Sensus in the famed marble palace, facing diplomatic issues, comedic characters and the burden of leadership.
From the mixed bag of stories in Getting You Home On Friday, On the Roman Nose is slapstick happy, witty, and full of humour in a collection of short and sweet episodes.
(On the Roman Nose, Episode Fifteen, Managing)
THEME SONG: ROMAN MILITARY STYLE DRUMS WITH A FLOURISH OF HORNS.
VOICE: And now to Rome!
CROWD CHEERING.
CAESAR: What is your idea, Sensus?
SENSUS: About Shadana the Personality?
CAESAR: Yes. I mean, I specifically said that we could have peace with Persia IF and only IF King
Nordsan Xerxes did NOT offer his daughter's hand in marriage.
FEET RUNNING.
SENSUS: Well, if I may suggest...
CONTINUES RUNNING THE, TAP DANFCING TO
"SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT, TWO BITS".
CAESAR: Fedux, how dare you enter the chamber unannounced!
FEDUX: Forgive me, my Lords, but I bring grievous news.
CAESAR: Speak man!
FEDUX: Her Royal Highness Princess Shadana the Personality has arrived and
craves an audience.
SENSUS: Craves?
FEDUX: Demands.
CAESAR: Damn. What do we do, Sensus?
SENSUS: Fedux, return to the Princess and say that we shall be with her but presently and welcome her
arrival with joy and celebration.
FEDUX: Sincerity costs a little extra, my Lords.
CAESAR: Very well, just get on with it.
COIN BEING TOSSED, LANDING ON FLOOR, THEN FEET
RUNNING OFF.
Can't I just hide?
SENSUS: Not wise my Lord. I feel that we should welcome her into the palace and play the innocent.
CAESAR: But he usually wins.
SENSUS: I mean play as if we did not know that she was to arrive and that we certainly didn't know that
she was offered as a bride.
CAESAR: And then do I hide?
SENSUS: Only if Cleo finds out. Anyway, this will buy us some time, at least.
CAESAR: Buy us some time for what?
SENSUS: I think we may well be able to have peace and you will not need to marry Shadana.
HORNS FLOURISH.
FEDUX: My Lord Caesar, Senator Sensus, The Princess Royal of Persia, Shadana the Personality.
CAESAR: Is there a Princess who isn't royal?
ROYALLY HUGE FANFARE FOLLOWED BY FOOTSTEPS
SHADANA: Ave, my Lord, are you in fact the equivalent of the Manager?
CAESAR: Good gods. The haircut!
SENSUS: Lord Caesar says that the good gods are to be praised for bringing safely such a
distinguished and elegant guest to our palace. Caesar greets you, the Senate greets you and
all of Rome greets you, your Highness.
SHADANA: My thanks to you Lord Caesar, and to you Senator. However It must be said that your staff
have no manners, your city lacks taste and I’ve been here for more than a quarter of an
hour without one offer to join an orgy. It’s disgusting. Repulsive. One Star service at best.
CAESAR: It is unsurprising.
SHADANA: What was that?!
SENSUS: My Lord said it’s surprising. We must amend this at once and make sure you’re treated
according to your status.
SHADANA: I should think so. And the voyage! The man who ran the rat infested ship, if you can even
call it that, was incredibly rude, misogynistic and…
CAESAR: It was your father’s ship was it not?
SHADANA: So? I expect any travel to your empire to be smooth sailing.
SENSUS: Um...Princess Shadana, why are we so honoured with your gracious presence?
SHADANA: Do you not know? My father told me that I am to marry you, even though I am incredibly,
notoriously out of your league. I mean, I don’t need a man, unless he’s going to treat me like
the princess I am. A Queen even. I know what I’m entitled to. Surely you are aware of all
this? Were you not informed?
SENSUS: Well, we open our gates to you, do as you please, and please, please feel welcome so that we
may confirm the wishes of your father, the King.
SHADANA: You will find I am correct in the manner, I always am. But I will entertain myself in your bath
house while you confirm what you will. They better be emptied upon my arrival. I will not be
sharing them with peasants, let along Senators. Filthy, scandalous Senators.
FOOTSTEPS LEAVING.
CAESAR: Good gods, Sensus, this is frightening, she's frightening.
SENSUS: Don't let that haircut fool you, in there somewhere is a very sensitive and intelligent young
woman. Probably.
CAESAR: What, did she eat one?
SENSUS: Now, now. We need her to be on our side.
CAESAR: Outside would be fine.
SENSUS: I have a plan, but will need a little time. Firstly, we shall get her to pose for a marble statue.
CAESAR: I will not have her…
SENSUS: And that will buy us some time. Think of how she will fuss, order and gloat. It’s the perfect
distraction. Then I shall introduce her to your brother Octavius.
CAESAR: Octavius? But he despises me. Oh yes, he does, doesn't he?
SENSUS: He will woo her and steal her away from you.
CAESAR: Or?
SENSUS: We shall impale him
CAESAR: Impale him? On what?
SENSUS: On a blunt pine dresser.
CAESAR: Painted or varnished?
SENSUS: Natural I think.
CAESAR: Brilliant, but I think he will go with the impaling.
SENSUS: It’s better than the alternative.
CAESAR: Start the plan immediately.
SENSUS: Yes, Lord Caesar.
THEME OUT.
END
Copyright by Mike Jones and Iley Jones