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We are Meredith and Mishelle and together, we are flipping the script on what it means to be an IT girl. Each week we will be discussing topics and questions submitted by YOU, our audience, as we navigate life's challenges together.
Mishelle Kost (00:01)
Hey, fabulous people, I'm Meredith. And I'm Michelle. And together we're here to flip the script on what it truly means to be the It Girl. That's right. Whether you're rocking the runway or embracing the messy bun life, no matter your size, ethnicity, or state of your sweats, you are It. We're diving deep into the realness of life, celebrating the victories, navigating the failures, and sometimes not having a clue while doing it all.
We've got battle scars, heartbreaks, contagious laughs, and an unbreakable bond of love for each other. Join us every week as we unwrap different topics and answer questions brought to us by our amazing audience. That's you. Get ready for a fresh dose of perspective that'll make you think, laugh, and maybe even shed a tear. We're on this journey together, growing, crying, laughing, and fighting for one another, because that's what being an It Girl is all about.
So send us your burning topics and thought provoking questions through our website, itgirllife .com or drop us a line directly at hello at itgirllife .com. Let's make every moment count, embrace the chaos and live our best it girl lives.
Meredith (01:09)
Hey, welcome everybody. We are back to start episode two, which is what we're calling Silent But Deadly, a funny, quirky name to title our topic, which is communication. However, before we read the question that was submitted to us by our listeners, we wanted to flip the script a little bit further and ask each other an opening icebreaker question.
And hopefully from that question, engage a little bit more with our listeners and allow them an opportunity to write on our social pages or email us their feedback on our icebreaker questions. So we're going to dive right in. I'm going to ask Michelle our icebreaker question, which I came up with this week. And Michelle, I want to learn about 16 year old you and what advice you would give 16 year old you.
Mishelle (02:07)
Okay, such a good question. When you texted me earlier to give me the heads up of the question, I was like, oh, I for sure know what I would tell my 16 year old self. And the reason why is because I think I have worked so hard on...
the process of self -acceptance over the course of many, many years, and only have recently come to that, probably within the past decade, which took a while, from 16 to 36, potentially. So I would tell her to appreciate being different, to embrace who you are.
And if there's something that you don't like about yourself, then change it. And I think I spent a lot of time being unhappy with who I was and what I look like, and I didn't really do anything much about it other than ruminate and be unhappy and maybe communicate.
I'm sorry, not communicate, blame other people. I also would just feel really poorly about myself. And then because of that, I would make really poor decisions. And so I think I would just tell myself to have a little bit more grace and to, yeah, just embrace who I am and figure out who that person is and to fall in love with that person because this is all he got.
Meredith (03:43)
Yes. So what's, yeah. I was gonna say what's weird is you and I did not collaborate really about that question, but I did wanna give you a heads up about the icebreaker question. But my answer is similar, yet really different, which is kind of cool. I felt at 16, I was on top of the world and I was in athletics and I...
Mishelle (03:46)
Okay. Oh no, go ahead, what?
Okay.
Meredith (04:13)
I wouldn't say I was popular, but I was with the more athletic crowd of folks and did different sports. But I think I would tell my 16 year old self to have a little, or try to find a way to introduce humility and humbleness because that confidence and the swagger that I had, a lot of the time was because of insecurities.
And so there was two personalities of me that I didn't quite feel that, but I represented myself in a way that I don't think was unkind. And I really hope people didn't think it was unkind, but it was just false. And so I'm really proud and I love who I was at 16 and had so much fun and joy during those years.
Mishelle (04:39)
Oh, so interesting.
Meredith (05:04)
but I just knew I wasn't my authentic self and there was a piece of humility that's missing that I constantly reflect back because it was so heartbreaking when I learned the lessons that did introduce humility and humbleness into my life. Do you know what I mean? Isn't that weird? I know that's more of a therapy session, but yeah.
Mishelle (05:21)
So, yes, yes. Yeah, no, I get it though. I mean, it was like a wake up call, but honestly though, it was probably a journey and a process that you needed to experience.
Meredith (05:34)
Yeah, yeah. And I think that there's without that, me going through the world the way that I did allowed me to have so much more youthfulness and fun and swagger that I wouldn't have come across. So I'm trying to find a little bit of a blend because I think what's missing now, if I was 16 today and trying to give a 16 year old vice today.
Could I introduce one more dose of kindness more than I did then? Could I have embraced other people and myself and been more open and been more authentic, but without killing the youthful nature and fun that I had at that time? So I don't know. That's what I would have told myself, but man, I killed, I loved, I loved 16. I loved being, I.
Mishelle (06:29)
I loved myself at 16. I was crushing it.
Meredith (06:34)
I thought I was, you know, and it was just so much fun, but I often reflect on how hard the journey was between a period of time. And I just, I encapsulate 16 and memorialize it as like the last time in my life before things were heavy. And that's why I want to protect it, but I also want to introduce a little bit more reality to that person.
Mishelle (07:02)
That's so interesting that you feel like that 16 age is where you feel like was your last kind of like carefree moment before things sort of get heavy. For me, it's 23. So interesting. Okay, we'll have to talk about that at another time. Many, many episodes to go. Many more.
Meredith (07:10)
Yeah, yeah. Oh, another time. Icebreaker question. Hopefully some other people write in or post on any social media. What would you tell your 16 year old self?
Mishelle (07:27)
Yes, would love to know your answer and it would be cool to start even like a chat comment, like in our comment section in our Instagram so people could read all the different pieces of advice because I think we could all use those same pieces of advice today. So, great idea.
Meredith (07:41)
Oh, agreed.
Mishelle (07:44)
Okay, so moving on to our question for this episode. So as we said earlier, this episode is silent but deadly, all about communication. So the question comes down to in relationships, and this could be any relationship really, how do you learn to become a better communicator so there's less communication fights?
So what do you think, Meredith? Where would you start in terms of best practices or things that you do to be a better communicator?
Meredith (08:22)
For me specifically, this is an area that in my professional life and my education, I focused heavily on. Growing up in a household where my family, not all my family, but some of my family's English was their second language. Communication styles are really interesting. For me, I think there's several components, but the main thing it boils down to is knowing yourself the most, your communication style.
how you receive communication, your learning style, so on and so forth. And then being mature enough to understand that everybody else could be different, could be the same and tailoring to that. So I would boil that down to meeting others where they're at in communication, clarity and giving set expectations on certain things. So what about you? What are your initial thoughts?
Mishelle (09:09)
Mm -hmm. Yeah.
Yeah, well I was just gonna say, I was just gonna say yes to that because I think for me, or what I've seen and noticed, at least in my own miscommunication, conflict, I feel like the conflict usually is always because, or it begins with some sort of unspoken expectation that you or the other person is holding. And it's...
And that's where the silent but deadly comes in because we all have these expectations or maybe their assumptions. They're unspoken, so we're thinking them in our head. We think the other person knows.
So that's where that like miscommunication or misunderstanding begins and then that's when like the fights ensue or the disagreements ensue or whatever it may be so I think for me I think the things that have worked for me in terms of learning how to be a better communicator is one like you said managing myself first so knowing what triggers me what type of communication or what type of tone or statements really trigger me into an emotional reaction because that's
The most important part when having communication and managing your conflict is managing that emotional reaction that you're having to a certain thing because at any given time you can either be reacting or you could respond. And I think like you said, what you're talking about is that pause. And to me, the pause is like a responding, whereas the reacting is just like this immediate, all right, kind of thing. So.
Meredith (10:32)
Mm -hmm.
Mm -hmm.
Yeah.
Mishelle (10:52)
Communication to me is like it's a skill number one. It's a skill and I think anytime there's a skill related You know people can walk around say like oh, I'm terrible at communication But it's it's a skill and you can practice it and you can't get better so I think in that process it does require like Messing up getting into fights, so I think I don't think the goal is to avoid fights and avoid miscommunication I think the focus should be on Clarifying your expectations and always going into conversations
without assumption, that to me is like the most important piece around it. So...
Meredith (11:29)
I agree with all of that and that's the hardest part about being a good communicator is you change at every level in your life. It's something that yes, you practice and you get better at, but it's not something that you shouldn't, that you should stop growing in because our biggest thing and the reason why we had chosen to create this as silent but deadly is non -communication is deadly. Assumptions are deadly. Not being clear are deadly.
Mishelle (11:55)
Yes.
Meredith (11:56)
And for me, one of my triggers in the beginning is that when people text message me or anything like that, and I intentionally pour and think that I'm writing a good and delivering a good message, and they take the time to respond in a manner like they'll write the letter K. After I wrote this like heartfelt message and they're like, K.
And to me, that's disrespectful. And I'm assuming their intent was disrespectful. Then I create this entire narrative around, oh, what were they thinking? What were they doing? They're upset with me. I'm mad at them now. All of these things. And we've gone through an entire, I've created an entire drama telenovela in my head and both the villain and the heroine.
Mishelle (12:46)
Yes.
Meredith (12:46)
because of my trigger and my reaction. And so it's a practice that you continually have to say. And then if I don't respond back to say, does your K mean good? Yes, you're acknowledging. So just being clear in what I'm trying to receive from you. And then when you're that mad, like you said, taking a pause because words said in anger are words that can't be taken back. So if you're in that.
Mishelle (13:13)
Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. So, so really it to avoid the miscommunication fight or to have less fights. It's about managing your own telenovela and making sure that you peel it back and get real around it and say, okay, what what's really true here and how can I respond to this person without assumption so that I'm not.
Meredith (13:25)
Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.
Mm -hmm.
Mishelle (13:42)
getting angry, which then will ensue a conflict because then this other person will get angry. Because, I mean, let's just be real. Who wants to be feeling judged?
Meredith (13:55)
Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.
Mishelle (13:55)
in a conversation. Like, no, nobody, nobody wants somebody to feel this assumption on them. Like it immediately starts a fight. Like you immediately get pissed off if you get into a conversation and you can tell that that person has already made a decision or already made some sort of opinion around a certain situation. So you've got to drop the assumption and the telenovela for sure. That's like step number one.
Meredith (14:17)
I, the hard, 100 % and sorry to cut you off a little bit there, but I think the other thing that we have to continue to work toward is you feel, you bottle in all of those feelings. And so I've made this entire dialogue and script, but then I don't clearly state to the other person in kindness, I'm gonna say in kindness.
Mishelle (14:23)
No, you're good.
Meredith (14:45)
how they, what they said and how they communicated that triggered me, maybe not using the word triggered me, but that made me upset or made me react in order for them to correct their behavior because our silence condones the behavior that we inherently didn't accept to begin with. And then so it's just gonna continue to compile. So I think one of the other things we would lend as advice is it's...
Clarity is kindness for people if you want this mutual self -respect, but you're not saying half of the words that you feel and you're bottling it up.
Mishelle (15:23)
Yes.
Yeah, that's a big one. I struggle with that the most. I think in communication, that's where I struggle. Once I'm communicating, I feel like I'm pretty clear. I'm good at dropping the assumption. For me, the part is actually just speaking up and expressing myself. That's the part that I have to work on. And the best piece of advice I ever heard from a friend was your silence and when you don't speak up is condoning the behavior. And so when you don't speak up,
Meredith (15:52)
Mm.
Mishelle (15:55)
you're letting the other person know that that's okay. Like that you being treated that way is okay. And ever since I've heard that one thing from her, I have had more courage to speak up because I'll feel in my body like, no, that's not okay. And I don't want to be treated like that anymore. So it makes me again, like I said, have more courage to speak up and share how I'm feeling, share how that particular exchange felt for me. And like,
work it out some way somehow and have a conversation about it. I think too, something I have also seen with people is like they don't wanna have these hard conversations and they don't wanna hash things out because in their mind immediately it feels like it's gonna be confrontational. And I think, I don't think working out a miscommunication needs to actually be a fight and it doesn't need to be confrontational.
Meredith (16:39)
Mm -hmm.
Mishelle (16:49)
It can just be a conversation. I think if you know what you want to say and you're, again, removing the drama around it and releasing the telenovela, it's a lot easier to just have a conversation and figure out what you all need from each other moving forward.
Meredith (17:09)
Yeah, I think the hard part and the vulnerable moment that I'll share is I'm, I'm, I want to say I'm skilled as a communicator. I'm more skilled as a communicator in the professional workforce and I can really lock up and bottle up my reaction, my emotions. I feel for the most part, it's in my personal relationships where I don't, where I need to practice taking a pause more or having a little bit more, uh,
clarity and not as much reaction because like you said it can be a conversation No, it can't if you've said a thing that has made me mad I Apologize to my husband in advance because he has been on the receiving side of this more than enough times. I have to practice Just making sure that I am taking the moment to pause
but I feel so much trust there that my reaction and my react, it doesn't happen often and that's why I react so well because I'm like, where did this, not well, not well, where I react so strongly because I am taken aback when it doesn't, when the communication does fail. And so something I continue to practice.
Mishelle (18:23)
Yeah.
I think that's a lot of people. I feel like that's gotta be a lot of people though. I'm sure a lot of people are better at managing themselves in front of, in a professional setting than they are at home. Because I think just like when you're at home and when you're in your relationships, in your personal life, there's just a different comfort level. Like you said, it feels safer. And I know for me, I feel like I just have less patience.
Meredith (18:46)
Mm -hmm.
Mm -hmm.
Mishelle (18:55)
I have way less patience at home than I do in a professional setting. And I don't know why that is. I just feel like there's way less. I don't know, there's just less room in my purview for that. And maybe it's because I used it all in the professional setting that by the time I make it home, I'm like, I got nothing left.
Meredith (19:15)
I mean, it's our most intimate setting and these folks are in the day in day out with us. And so I'm like, you really thought you could say that? You know me. Yes.
Mishelle (19:19)
Yeah.
Like, oh no, you didn't. You know who I am. You know. I think, yeah, there's a higher level of expectation too from your people that you hold closest to you. So yeah, I totally get that. I think that's totally normal.
Meredith (19:37)
What transitioning into the thought process of when you have to deliver hard news. So say we're talking about communication, we're talking about miscommunication fights and delivering hard news, whether that be in a personal relationship or in a professional relationship, isn't always going to negate miscommunication fights. So maybe lend some thoughts around how do you deliver hard news?
Mishelle (19:46)
Mm -hmm.
I think what makes it easier in terms of hard news is, again, first, starting off with managing your own emotional state. So if I'm feeling a certain way about it, I need to clear and manage that first because clear is kind and I can't speak clearly if I'm an emotional wreck or if I'm feeling some sort of way around it. So that's like step number one for me, clear myself so I can speak clearly.
And then after that, it's really about just sharing my perspective. And I think that we all have a right and all have our own perspective. And no one can tell us that our perspective is wrong. Like we have a right to our perspective. And the person can disagree with your perspective, but at the end of the day, it's your perspective and it's yours to own. So I always start there because it's mine and there's nothing.
that can't be taken away. So I'll start with, hey, this is my observation or this is my perspective or from my point of view or this is how I experienced whatever X, Y, Z situation. And then after that, it's about the three C's for me. It's being curious, it's being caring, it's having compassion. Like those three things have to happen. Otherwise things and emotions will start to bubble up. So.
Meredith (21:25)
Mm -hmm.
Mishelle (21:26)
Like the care and compassion and curiosity, those three things can't come forward for me unless I'm clear. So there's now a fourth C. It's like clarity, being clear, and then the other three C's for me. And then that's where you can then try to listen and then understand the other person's perspective. Because just as much as I'm sharing mine, I need to hear the other person's, even if I disagree.
And most of the time I do disagree. Let's be real. Like people are talking, I'm like, uh -huh, but I disagree. And then again, you gotta manage it, manage that telenovela, because someone's talking and you're like, already you can feel that drama starting to get written inside your head. You gotta peel it back. And then after that, it's just sharing the impact around whatever that behavior or circumstance or situation then caused so that the person can understand, like what was at stake.
and how you want to move forward. So that's me personally, that's how I do it, but I don't know, would you say anything different? Am I missing anything? What would you do?
Meredith (22:26)
What I always do control the situation so I try and put tangible factors mostly and try to eliminate all of the emotions behind the hard news and Something led me to the hard news and so in order for that say if it's in my personal life I have to let people know the event that has triggered this hard news and or here's how I feel like we can move past this I
If it's professionally, there are several tangible things that I can hand over and then still also provide them a bridge on how we can move past it or how we can correct this. But like you said, still give them an avenue to provide their feedback, their side of the, their thought process and what occurred in that situation or that. Most often I already have had the proof that I've gathered against them. So come, come.
Mishelle (23:22)
Yeah, the proof you've gathered against it.
Meredith (23:24)
I'm just joking. Just the tangible things that I am backing my rightness, but I'm open to hearing whatever you're trying to concoct over there.
Mishelle (23:31)
Yeah.
Okay, what about patience and communication? Because that was sort of like a part two of this question was how do you practically practice more patience? I'm gonna ask you that because for me I'm like, oh girl, I don't know because I'm so impatient. But how do you practice patience within your communication?
Meredith (23:42)
Whoo.
You know, I found with my mom and taking care of my mom that I was able to communicate well on how to practice patience because there were a lot of assumptions. And so I continued to have to tell myself, tell her, everybody isn't set out to upset you or to get a reaction or to treat you poorly.
And so how I try to practice patience is taking a step back and saying, their intention isn't what I'm automatically already leading to think about this. I don't think everybody wakes up to hurt my feelings or wakes up to make my job harder or my life harder. And so I really have to come from a place that they're human, they're an individual. And then I have to set the boundaries of, okay, this is what you're saying.
but this is how I'm receiving it. Is that your intention? That's how I would say I practice patience more. I learned it mostly through taking care of my mom because a lot of people I felt were talking down to us in some ways, talking over our head, making a whole bunch of incorrect decisions. And I really just had to be very firm and strong with, am I hearing you correctly? Because if I am, there's about to be something going on here.
You know, do you know what I mean? But I didn't want to assume and jump to conclusions in a professional, in a setting that my mom's health was on the line.
Mishelle (25:28)
Yeah, yeah. So just like trying to understand, like what is it that you're actually trying to communicate? That's what helps you like practice that patience, like getting clear on what are you trying to say here and making sure that you're not creating any assumptions already.
Meredith (25:34)
Yeah, really.
Mm -hmm.
and making sure that I understand everybody's not out to always get you. Or I don't think anybody wants to see a reaction from me if they've ever seen a reaction from me. I know for a fact that's not their intention. So always understanding if an email came through from somebody and then my initial thing is like, what did they just say? That to understand their intention wasn't to get that reaction from me.
Mishelle (25:49)
Yes.
right.
Meredith (26:10)
And so in addition to clarifying what they said, kind of backing down my emotion.
Mishelle (26:11)
Okay.
It's the managing of the reaction, yeah. Yeah, okay, so it basically all boils down to, if you didn't hear anything from us in this episode, please hear that communication and good communication begins with yourself.
and managing your inner dialogue and managing your emotional reactivity to other people's communication styles is the best way for you to improve your communication. So if we could sum it up in one bullet point, it would be that manage your telenovela.
Meredith (26:48)
Mm -hmm, and I think that the other one would be outside of silence is deadly assumptions are dead
Mishelle (26:54)
Yes, yes, they are.
Meredith (26:56)
Those would be some key.
Mishelle (26:58)
Because I do think that that puts like a roadblock between you and another person because immediately there's anger. I think, again, like I said, I think think about the last time you got into a conversation with someone and they were assuming something about what you did and your actions, like you're immediately pissed off. You know, you're immediately pissed off by that. So I think, yeah, assumptions can always be deadly. And removing your assumptions, managing your inner dialogue, managing that emotional reactivity,
Meredith (27:15)
Mm -hmm.
Mishelle (27:28)
And I'll say like, here's one hot tip about managing your emotional reactivity. Because if you're like, okay, well, how do I do that? Just know that your reactivity typically will start in your body first. So if you want to create like a list of all the different emotions that you have or typically feel, and then try to identify a bodily sensation around that.
So like what does worry or judgment or doubt or fear feel like in your body or even unforgiveness? And if you can recognize, like let's say you might feel, if you feel judgment and you feel it in your throat, you may start to actually sense like, oh, my, someone just said something. My throat is starting to close up or I'm starting to feel itchy. I'm immediately know, okay, I'm going into a reactive state. I'm being judgmental.
then I start to manage myself after that. So that's a great way to start. It takes a little bit of self -awareness and some practice to figure it out, but I know that the more I think about and are aware of those things starting in my body, the sooner I can get a hold of it. And like you said, Meredith, take that pause.
Meredith (28:23)
Mm -hmm.
Mishelle (28:43)
and then choose a different response. So I feel the reactivity, I manage it, and then I pause, and then I choose a different response. Yeah, so.
Meredith (28:52)
Yeah. And that, it sounds simple to say the words and how you so eloquently summed it up, but everybody listening needs to understand it's hard. It's gonna take years. It's gonna take a lot of re -correction and practice because when I'm in a reactive state and I know my triggers already, sometimes that the fiery personality in me still trudges along and my reaction.
Mishelle (29:15)
Yeah, that feels impressive.
Meredith (29:19)
My reaction state is embarrassing. My voice will waver. My face gets red. My neck gets red and hot. But I'm still like, no, we're going to go. And then other times I've chosen to back down and just say, hey, we can't talk about this right now. We're going to just pick this back up. So lots of years of practice.
Mishelle (29:26)
Yep. Yep. Yep.
Yeah.
Lots of years of practice. We are not experts. We're in it with y 'all and are learning as we go. And yeah, I'm a short tempered, hot, hot, energetic person. I mean, I'm an Aries. I'm a fire sign. Like I will come in hot. So I'm still working on it. I'm not perfect. You can ask my husband. He'll tell you. But you get better and better at it every time. So don't give up.
Meredith (30:00)
Hmm.
I didn't know that was, I didn't know that was your astrology sign. I'm a Scorpio, which should tell you even more. I'm fiery. Yep.
Mishelle (30:17)
Yeah, like, sting. She's like crawling along, crawling along. Bam. She will get you. Okay, watch out, Scorpio. Okay, here we go. Okay, well that wraps it up for this episode, Silent But Deadly, and...
Meredith (30:23)
Yep, yep. Truth. Mm -hmm.
Mishelle (30:36)
I did want to encourage you guys to please, please, please submit your burning questions to us. We would love to discuss it. You can do that at our website at itgirllife .com or you can send us an email directly at hello at itgirllife .com or you can follow us on Instagram at itgirllife and send us a DM. But we just want to hear from you and we want to answer your questions. And remember that we are here, your biggest cheerleaders in it with you, trying to figure it out, not having a clue.
So send us your questions and we will continue to record episodes for you. So thanks so much. See you later. Bye.
Meredith (31:12)
Thank you, bye.
Mishelle (31:18)
And stop. How do I stop? Oh, stop.