F*ck Fear with Christine Spratley: Living Like a Head Bitch In Charge | Stop Gaslighting Yourself

In this episode of 'Fuck Fear with Christine Spratley', Christine discusses the profound impact of the words we choose to use in our daily lives. She highlights the importance of reframing negative and absolute language into positive, action-oriented words. Through personal anecdotes and neurobiological insights, Christine explains how changing our language can reduce stress, enhance our sense of autonomy, and improve our overall well-being. Tune in to learn practical tips on how to track and modify your language to allow yourself and cultivate a mindset of growth and positivity.

00:00 Introduction and Catching Up
00:59 Immunity Shots and Small Talk
01:39 Choosing Your Words Wisely
04:17 Neurobiological Impact of Words
06:39 Practical Applications and Personal Stories
13:33 Neuroplasticity and Rewiring Your Brain
17:38 Implementing Positive Language
21:38 Overcoming Absolutist Thinking
36:21 Conclusion and Assignment

Creators and Guests

Host

Christine (HBIC) Spratley

Dynamic Public Speaker | Change Catalyst | Career Navigation Coach

What is F*ck Fear with Christine Spratley: Living Like a Head Bitch In Charge ?

This podcast is for anyone who wants to live like an HBIC—or lives with, works with, marries, dates, or is raising one. Let’s be real: being a Head Bitch in Charge is messy, bold, and unapologetically badass. This is not a guidebook—it’s a pantry.

My guests and I will share the ingredients that we use—what’s worked and what’s failed—as we say “fuck fear” and take action to live a fulfilled life. We cover real-life hacks and deep philosophical pillars to navigate the chaos of everyday life—where some days, my only accomplishment is having a bra on and my teeth brushed.

We’re tackling the daily shit women navigate, from workplace politics to relationships, raising kids, and building careers, all with humor, audacity, and zero filters.

So, tune in—tell your friends, and even your enemies. This isn’t about aging with grace—it’s about aging with mischief, audacity, and a damn good story to tell.

44- Fuck Fear - Stop Gaslighting Yourself
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Christine Spratley: [00:00:00] Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Fuck Fear with Christine Spratley, living like an HBIC head bitch in charge. Um, it's been a, it's been a hot minute, hasn't it, Joe? Yes. It's been a couple weeks. It's been a couple weeks since we've been in the studio together. Um, but you've been on your trips and they were all good.

Yeah. Yeah, we had a good time. Good, good, good, good. [00:01:00] Well, we are doing. Immunity. Right. Immunity shots today. Didn't look like that. I don't have a lot of pepper in mind. Do you have a lot of pepper in? Yours might be deceiving. I doning, I can't tell. All right. Ready? Go. 1, 2, 3.

Oh my God.

I'd say less pepper than normal, but still a lot of pepper. That was less pepper than normal, but I think I got that ginger in the back of my throat like, like a chunk caught. Yeah, okay, well ladies and gentlemen. Welcome. Um, as I said, to fuck Fear, living like a head bitch in charge.

, I was thinking about a topic that I've been, I don't know when I started, I don't wanna say practicing this, but really when I started it was, it was a long time ago. Um, but I've started using it more and more. [00:02:00] Um, in my daily life, like tracking it. So one of the things that I have I do is I, as I sort of, kind of keep track on, on things that I wanna practice or implement in my life.

Um, part of it comes from just being aware of what I'm doing and this is what I'm practicing right now is the words that I'm choosing. Choose your words wisely. And there's a reason for that. And I had always been told, not always. I'm, again, I, you, you sometimes hear me say things like, words like, should and shouldn't, and can't.

And then I'll rephrase 'em.

And then you'll hear me say, well, I'm learning to do it, or, um, I wish this was different, or, and then I'll say, well, I'm creating it differently now. And it's a reframing of the words. As I've done that, I've started to realize that. [00:03:00] I am very careless with words or not I am, but how careless I can be with words without even knowing about it.

How I paint myself into a box with what I say. And so I started kind of going through this for this episode of understanding well what happens in our, you know, neurobiological system. When we use words like this and what, what is the genesis? Because I, I was told this a long time ago about, you know, try to use words that give you autonomy that are not kind of ab solutionist words, um, that are positive action words.

Things you know that are not. Negative or self cohesive words, um, like must and can't, but, um, and, and like Absolu words of, of never or always you've ever been in relationship. I. [00:04:00] Therapy. You've always heard that. You know, when you, when you get in those conversations and you say, well, you will always do this, or I always do that, and um, and instead use words like, you know, I choose or I get to, or I can and I will.

And for me, when I was going through this, I wanted to look at it from a neurobiological. Standpoint and the physiological evidence about what happens to our bodies and why there's so much power in using words, the different words we choose. So for this episode, I kind of, I don't kind of, I would like, again, I would like for you to the listener, to just sit back and kind of think about your day and how you use.

These words, some words will, you're like, ah, I don't ever use that. And then other words you'll be like, oh, I use that all the time. Oh, [00:05:00] and, but I started, when I started doing this, I started going through and I started just keeping track of kind of the words that I said. And there's a friend of mine who uses, of course.

Of course, of course. And that may sound like a neutral word, but it's how and how and where they use it. And it's when it, when that, when I'm giving that person a compliment, they'll say, of course I did that. And it's, it's almost like a deflection away. So those might be the words you use. I, I, on the other hand, I use words I can't, I have to.

We need to you know, things like that outside of like work context and, and things like that. These are personal interaction words for me. And so what the big kicker for me was I, I literally had, [00:06:00] um, a, a counselor tell me, Christine, when you say I have to do this. You don't give yourself any way out.

There's also some, or I had to do it. She would say there's also some lack of ability for you to claim the reward of when you do it, when you choose to do what's hard. So for me now, and, and we talked about it for a long time, but for me now. I like to use the words I get to, I get to choose to do this today.

I get to walk through the pain or the argument or you know, or it could be as simple as I get to jump into like doing this podcast today. I was, I was, I, you know, it was hard to come back in after a while off, you know, and I'm like, oh, I get to go do this today. I mean, I get to do that. I get to choose. I'm choosing to do [00:07:00] this.

I'm choosing this step. I'm choosing to engage and, and then I get to credit for doing it, you know, and I get the credit for, this was a choice of mine. No one forced me to do that. Now, a lot of times I'll sit there and I'll go, well, I have to do this. In my head, I'm like, I have to do this. There's no other option.

I was talking to somebody the other day and they were like, there's no other option. I'm like, there's always other options. But there might not be other options that they wanna do or that I wanna do or that are good options. You know what I'm, I'm doing the quotations things, but the, that are good options or that are beneficial options or that are logical options.

But there are other options. And that's the thing is when I sit there and I say I have to do this, or there are no other options, or I speak in those absolutes. Well, there are, and I'm choosing the [00:08:00] best option that I can, you know, that I, that I see for me, and there's accountability in that. So again, I wanted to have this conversation, but then I wanted to go into the neurobiological and the physiological evidence of what happens when we talk like this.

So, when I use negative or self cohesive words, like must or can't, um, it heightens the limbic thread circuitry in your system.

So your amygdala goes up, um, your regulation goes down a bit. So it's almost like your. It's kind of like heightening your own tension. Does that make sense? Yeah, absolutely. And what's wild about that is that you are setting yourself up. It's almost, and, and I, I don't wanna use this phrase, but I'm gonna use it.[00:09:00]

It's almost like I'm kind of gaslighting myself in that sense of, oh. Let's get excited before I need to be excited. And one of the things that I think is really interesting about that is, I never thought of it that way, but we talked about this previously, about walking into a situation predestined. If I am already exciting myself about this, I can't do this, I can't, I, I must have this, there's already a heightened sense to this, and that's why it's, it blows my mind that I use these words so frequently and I don't use 'em as much as I do.

But how often do you use the words I can't, I must. I can't fail. We can't fail at this. I mu I've gotta get this right. I've got to get this right. You [00:10:00] know, it's like the smoke alarm goes off before there's even a fire. And there's a study in 2007 that was done that when people repeated negative or must, should kind of, you know, must and should statements, um, their amygdala lights up like a Christmas tree.

You know, and so it's like it, you are handing the, the CEO of your brain, um,

this, this muzzle, and, and they can't, they can't do anything because everything else is lighting up and going on and going off. And that's what's really wild to me, is that. Why am I doing that before I even enter it to do it? I have this stress that already precedes the action, [00:11:00] you know? And so I, I just thought that was interesting and then I thought, okay, well what does, what happens when you use words like, um, I get to.

Or, um, I choose to do this. And what, what happens in your body? Well, your brain activates, um, you know, the, the prefrontal cortex, and it's kind of the reward motivation center. And so it's dopamine and. That's like your fa your brain's favorite party drug. And so again, it's like if I'm going into a situation that's high stakes or whatever, but I'm choosing to do that or an emotional situation, but I'm choosing to get to go in there and do that, and I frame it that way, I'd like a little bit of that party drug to, to bring to the party, [00:12:00] you know?

Okay. All right. And I, I just, you know. I don't think about this often. I do now, but I didn't in my, in my, like in my work and all that I did from the standpoint of use words that give you freedom and things like that, but I never thought about it from the neurological, um, or the neuro biological, you know, or the physiological part of your body.

That's really how this works. And part of me at my age right now has been kind of waking up to. Really how your body functions, and I need all the help I can get. So why not use the things that give me help, like using words that trigger the dopamine in our bodies to be like, okay, all right, let's, let's, let's do this instead of let's pull the fire [00:13:00] alarm before we even have a fire just in case there's a fire.

Holy shit. You know, and you can, and I don't know, I can actually feel the shift when I, when I change it, I can feel the shift and I can literally, um, you know, just kind of go into this mode of, all right, I'm choosing to do this. This is a choice of mine. Here we go. All right. Ready to go on. And then there's this.

This thing called, um, and, and I think this is kind of really, really cool and I didn't know about it before at all, but it is, um, the, and I'm gonna get this, I hope I get this right. So the Heian on plasticity, and what that is, is that it's. The, it's the wiring of your brain [00:14:00] and it's the neuroplasticity of it and your brain's ability to change and the neurons and, and a way to think about this.

Neurons that fire together, wire together. So think about it as, and you know me, I love sports, right? Okay. So you've got like Magic Johnson and Kareem right back in the day. Okay. Thousands upon thousands of no look passes, right? Boom, boom, boom. Hair cream go up, boom. Done. Two points on the board, typically with a foul.

You know, that is so wired. Lynn Swan and Terry Bradshaw. Swan would often leave his feet, you know, from the ground go up before it was in air, you know. Not before it was in there, but before, you know, before he would even look. And, and, and it's just, you know, it, it's like hitting, you know, I hate, I don't, I wasn't a [00:15:00] ever Patriots fan, but you know, Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski, you know, I mean, think about it.

It's like a great second and first baseman, double play. It's that ability to just the needed reps. And so it's almost like this is what happens when we say these things. So I said before, I keep kind of a track when I'm, when I'm trying to implement something in my life, I keep, I keep a little, little yellow post-it note and I just mark, you know, in the fives, boom, boom, boom, 5, 1, 2, 3, 5, and I start.

So the first thing I did with this was, all right, I kind of. Took note of what I say, you know, for like a week and then the next two weeks, you know, and I pulled out the words that were, you know, self-limiting or, um, you know, negative or absoluteness words. And I just kept track of those. And then I pulled 'em out and then I [00:16:00] said, okay.

And then I kept track of how many times I said those things. I didn't try to change it, I just kept track of it. Then I started to go, okay, what are some of my options for the other words that I can use? And so that's when I started to realize how many times I am feeding this to myself, how many times I am firing those types of neurons together.

And then there's still wired together. And it really amazed me that it wasn't. As if I was saying them a few times, it was, I was saying them a lot during, within an hour. Now they were all typically at work, but these were all in different contexts. But I would use that same phrase or that same camp must need half.

Who? Well, if I'm getting hit like that all the fricking time, no wonder why I feel like I'm on fire and. If people are using them around me. But I thought that [00:17:00] was interesting in that that is for me, the easiest route because it is the most used route. It's the most known route. It is that, you know, it is that they're wired together because I've used them so many times and so.

How do I get to the place where I can fix that? And this is what I started to do, was I started to come up with words, um, that I can use instead. So for me it would be, I'm not good at this, so I would use things like, I'm learning to do this, I'm improving on this. I'm gonna try it. Um, I'm building this skillset.

I even started doing this, um, in interviews. I actually [00:18:00] work because I do coaching on, on kind of professional, um, identity coaching and what they do. And then part of my coaching, I will even take clients as they go through interviews when we, when we find a job that they like or a position. And one of the questions is, what is, what are you not good at?

That they always make the interviewer a answer. And so what they'll say is, we've worded it to be, I'm building this skill of blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, which is a different take on, ooh, this was the the hardest thing I ever learned, or this is what I'm not good at. Or just throwing out what I'm not good at, but it's, I'm building this skill, or I'm learning to do this, or I'm choosing to develop.

Which is even for me, a really, you know, if I'm sitting on the other end of that, wow, they're choosing to develop this aspect of their technical aspect or, you know, emotional intelligence aspect. But, so those are some words I use. [00:19:00] Um, I have to finish this. Um, I'm choosing to finish this. I'm committed to completing this.

Um, I get to complete it. Again, it's that I get to, it's this optional thing where I am getting into that mode of saying it needs to be done and I'm choosing to do it. Um, because again, even if it's a deadline at work, we don't have to finish it.

It's still an option not to do it.

You know, your partner or your boss may be totally pissed. The client may be totally pissed, but you, you have this ability not to do that. Using the word. I can't, I can't eat this or I can't eat that, and.

My nutritionist, my reg registered dietician, um, when I lost all the weight, I, I, I employed a registered dietician to help me, um, basically just eat better, um, and learn how I [00:20:00] ate. But I used to say, I can't. And she'd be like, no, you can, yeah, you can, you can do anything you really want that you wanna do.

And so it gave me a lot of freedom, but it also. Um, tapped into the this, and this was a study that was done where when you use words like I can't, which are abolitionist words, then you are more likely to quit when you fail once, and it was 35% reduction in people that.

Stopped a diet when they started, when they stopped using words of, I can't, I can't eat this, I can't do that. I can't. Once they had a relapse or they missed a gym session, or they, you know, whatever they were telling themselves that they couldn't do and they stopped using words like, I can't, and they started using words like, I don't, or like, I don't eat [00:21:00] sugar.

I don't, it's my choice. I don't, I'm choosing to not eat sugar. I skip sugar by choice. Um, I fuel differently. You know, I do these things. And again, it's that absolute mindset, or not mindset, but, well, it could be a mindset, but it's that, that, that I'm backed into a corner. Well, now I've screwed up. Now what do I do?

I said I can't do it. You know, for me, a big one is I'm choosing today not to do that until I can get it into the habit of not doing it. You know? Or this week I'm gonna, I'm gonna not do that. Um. And or the phrase, this is overwhelming. I mean, think about that overwhelming, or this is challenging, but solvable.

This, this is defining me, you know, this is cultivating who I am. Is it overwhelming? Yeah, but, but it's cultivating, it's, [00:22:00] I am learning through this. This is something that is going to build my character. I don't like that one, but it was there. A friend of mine used it and, and it was a guy friend. Um, I don't like it because I, I, I don't know.

I just don't like it. But he was like, put it in there. It's still, it'll resonate with the dudes. And I'm like, okay, as long as since you listen to my podcast, I'll put it in there. Um, and then I never, I never, I never get this right. I, I never say that. I never do this. And if you, if this is piking up in your ears, do you say this in relationships with your other partner?

You never, you never, ever, ever, ever. Um, I've never done getting back together. Allison, I got that Taylor Swift song in my head. Get getting back together. Never, ever, ever, ever. That's funny that you That's, that's so funny. That tells us a lot about you and I. You're on the Taylor Swift thing and [00:23:00] I'm, I'm the dude in the, you know, like, I've, I'm so not two daughters.

Two daughters. I know, I know, I know all the Swift songs. I know.

So what do you use instead of I've never, I haven't, I haven't done it yet. You know, I'm starting to. Usually I,

you know, each, each try gets me closer. Like, if I'm saying I never get this right, I can say, well, I'm getting, I'm getting it right More often. Each try gets me closer to, to getting it right. We ha or the big thing, we haven't done it yet. I haven't gotten this right yet. I do a lot of yets on the end of mine.

I haven't done this yet. I haven't made this money yet. I haven't sold this project yet. I haven't, I haven't found the love of my life yet. [00:24:00] I haven't done this yet. Um, and then the shoulds, I should work out, I should do this. I should say this. I shouldn't say this. I, and we've all done the should have, coulda would've, but.

I get to work out. I get to do this today, or I get to sleep on the couch today. I choose this right now, and again, sometimes when I use even words like right now, that allows me to change that framework anytime I want to because that's just a moment in time so I can choose something else in five minutes.

[00:25:00] I used to do this when I would be depressed, I would say, okay, I am gonna choose to do this for the next five minutes. And then I would say, okay, five minutes, I'd, you know, I'd lay in bed and I'd, I'd, because it was for me when I was very depressed, it was so hard like to go, okay, I gotta get up and go, do I gotta go to work?

And so it'd be like, okay, I'm gonna lay here for five minutes, or, or I'm choosing to just get up and. Literally, some days it was roll over and put my feet on the floor. I'm, I, I'm choosing to do this. Not, I should get up. Not I should, you know, but I'm choosing to do this. And then it would be like, okay, I've done this.

I've done this. Okay. I've, I see I'm, I'm, I'm doing [00:26:00] this. What about everything? Everything's going wrong. Everybody hates me. This absolutist idea, I ran into this the other night. I had a, um, a not very good interaction with someone and um, and it was like all of my buttons, like they pushed all of 'em. And, um, and I did not react well in the conversation.

I did not respond well. Um, I saw tools zooming by me that I could have used left and right. And um, and it was late when I got off the con phone call with that person and I was just, I was like, oh my God, I don't have anybody to call. I have no, you know, and then it was just like, and then all of this [00:27:00] doubt, this fear, uncertainty and doubt fud, what I call, you know, it was just this.

Massive thundercloud in my, in, in my heart. I mean, I was physically shaken. I was so upset and, and, and I literally, I did have somebody to call. But again, it was that, that self-talk of every, oh my God, everybody. Yeah. And what I did was, I literally was like, there's somebody. I have a lot of people in my numbers, like from way back people I don't even think about calling.

Um, but I have a lot of people there and so I was like, there's somebody I can call. There's somebody. I just gotta find them, you know? Um, everything's not going around. This part is not going right yet. This part of me, 'cause that was part of it, was I was in this lot of self-doubt of [00:28:00] where I was. Um, as a person, and it was one of those conversations where I had to go, you, you know, I had, I had shared with this person a lot of my fears, I.

And this person basically turned around and went in there and were like, pushed 'em all and were like, yeah, you're this person and you're that person and you're this person. 'cause I knew that I didn't, I, that, that was one of my fears was that I didn't want to be those types of person people. And um, so it was like basically guessing, lightening the shit outta me.

And, um, but again, it was, no, everything's not wrong with me. Yes, I have made a lot of mistakes. But I've also done a lot of things right, and I'm not done yet. So I still got time. I've still got time to get better. I've still got time to be the person that I wanna be. Um, you know this, I can't figure this out [00:29:00] yet.

I adjust everybody. Everything's, you know, and so again, it's that absolute of everything, everyone. You know, everyone does not like me. Well, I don't fucking know everyone. I don't know everybody, and everybody has not met me. Okay? So again, I can, you know, the people in this group may not like me, but I haven't met the people over here.

I may not like who I have been in this setting, but I'm changing, you know? So again, it's, this reduces. It, the amount of the overwhelmingness of it in the sense of, I don't know everybody, it's not an absolute thing. And then this is one of my, my two were, well, I'm stuck. I'm stuck with this. I'm stuck with that.

I'm stuck here. I'm stuck. And it's [00:30:00] a lot of times when I feel like I'm stuck, and I'll say this, I, I use, I'm stuck a lot. Um. And I'll say, I'm stuck on this and, or I can't figure I'm stuck on, on this, followed by, I can't figure it out or I, I don't know what to do. Um and I'm stuck is I'm choosing my next move.

I'm just choosing my next move. I haven't moved yet, but I'm not stuck. I'm processing and you know, I'm mapping my roots. I was talking with a friend of mine yesterday and she kept using the phrase, I'm confused. And it was the precursor to this segue into, so I dunno what I'm doing. And so she asked if, if, if I had any thoughts on that.

And I said, [00:31:00] you know, and I just started talking. So you're working things out, you're figuring out you're gain gaining data. I. And she was like, yeah. And I said, well, then quit saying you're confused and just say what you're doing, which is you're gaining data, you're taking the action, you're getting information, you're analyzing the situation, and it restores this agency to you is I'm not helpless.

I am choosing my next move. I am pondering my next move. Now, I may sit there for a while in my stuckness. And ponder, but I am thinking about my next move and it gives me that autonomy and that kind of, like I've always said with about being an HBIC is, this is about me and the words that I choose to use and about me fulfilling, being responsible for the actions that I take.

To generate what I [00:32:00] wanna generate in my life, and if I use words that light me on fire before I even enter the game, or I use words that

become the, the, the mindset paved highway, and they're all words that drive me into the corner in the room where I don't have options. And again, like I talked about in the beginning of if I'm feeding myself that, that fire instead of that calm before I get there and I'm putting myself in that box, then when I get there, I'm less likely to have the autonomy, then I'm less likely to have to be able to access that.

It's becomes that much harder for me. And so. I really like the fact when I [00:33:00] pay attention, you've heard me say this before about intentional participation and I think understanding the words that I use,

not just them in in in the sentence, but what happens to my body when I use them. Gives me a lot of power and it gives me a lot of ability to change. The more information I get, the more options I have, and I like that. I don't know if I'll ever be, you know, again, I don't know if I'll ever be. A hundred percent all the time, but I don't think that's where you get it.

I, I don't, I [00:34:00] don't know that that's life. Um, and, but I get to do this as much as I want and if I get to change my mind, pivot and move and go and say I'm not, then I can say I am. I am this. I am learning. I am doing this. I choose to finish this. I choose to say, no. I choose to eat differently, and I choose to eat half a hamburger instead of all of it or, or whatever.

I choose to do this. This isn't overwhelming. This is challenging, and life's sometimes challenging, but it's solvable.

I never, I haven't yet, I haven't done it yet. [00:35:00] So what, what things, what sayings, what words do you use in your life with your kids, with your husband, with your teams? How do you position yourself? What boxes do you draw around yourself? How do you get excited before you get there? And not in a good way.

It's, I just think it's, for me, takes a lot of the pressure off of being right and so much more ability to be me. And also I think, if I'm really honest, it allows me to be kinder to myself, to be stronger [00:36:00] and really look at myself how I am. Um, because I am not all one thing. I'm not all bad. I'm not all good.

I am a person that's going through life, and these are the choices that I get to make, and that's a lot of fun. So today I want you and for your assignment is think about the words you use, listen to the words, pay attention to those types of words, and then check out your other options.

You'll notice that I haven't, and I don't want you to do this, but I haven't said, go and understand why you use those words, because to me, I really, that usually that insight comes later. Usually for me, it's let's change the action. Let's get into the [00:37:00] rhythm of changing the action. Then I get some time and then I go, oh, that's why I was doing that.

In that situation. That's why I have that perception of me. That's why I would always say I was overwhelmed. That's how these things fit together. If I try to do that while I'm changing the action, I get really confused and it prevents me a lot of times from changing the action. So again. Look at it, find the words, get other options for other phrases, other words, and change the action and then learn the insight afterwards and see how that works for you.

So until next time, ladies, gentlemen, everybody in between tubs.

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