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Feeling stuck? Break free from anxiety, depression, and the patterns that hold you back. Join me as I share my recovery journey, along with practical coaching tools to help you grow stronger, feel capable, and create a life you love.
You're listening to Break Free with Becky, your go to podcast for real talk, real tools, and real freedom. Hey, my friend. I'm so glad you're here today. We're going to go back to the beginning of my life and I want to share with you a little bit about my experience and my story because I think it'll be helpful to some of you who are struggling with similar things. Okay, so let's go back to the beginning.
Becky:So I grew up in a nice home. I had a regular family. Like, my life was just pretty normal. I was kind of an anxious kid. Like, I would get a little anxious in school.
Becky:I would get a little, like, competitive with my friends. I worried a little bit. But in general, I was a happy kid. I loved structure. I loved the piano.
Becky:The piano was like my favorite thing I could go to anytime I wanted to. And I love school. I love the academics. Like, was the kid who loved playing teacher and having all of those experiences. I loved gymnastics.
Becky:I love skiing. I love playing with my friends. It was all just like a pretty good old American good childhood. Right? Things started to change for me when I was about 11 or 12.
Becky:I started feeling really depressed. I remember looking around. I have this specific memory of looking at my friends and they were running around my front living room. I can remember we were listening to the last of Mohicans music. We all loved the last Mohicans music.
Becky:And they were jumping over the phone cord because at that time of my life, we had a giant phone cord that we would use as a jumping rope. And they were, like, doing leaps over it, and they were doing, like, the limbo underneath this giant phone cord. And I was sitting on the couch just watching them feeling so exhausted, and my brain was just full of really dark thoughts. I wanted to just read dark poetry all the time. I wanted to read poetry about death.
Becky:I started thinking about death a lot, and I just felt too tall. I know that sounds kinda silly, but I felt really tall and really big. I got my growth spurt really early. And I was 12 years old and I looked like a woman and my friends still looked like children. And I just wanted to be small like them.
Becky:I wanted to be small and petite and not as big as I was. And I did what a lot of kids do in America and other countries when they start noticing their body changing at that age, they start dieting. Right? I turned to dieting and my dieting quickly turned into starvation. I started just really loving my bones.
Becky:That's what my therapist would tell me is you have a love affair with your bones, Becky. And from starving myself, I got deeper into depression. I even dyed my hair black, dare I say, when I was about 15. I dyed my hair black, but truth be told, it looked more green than black. It had like a green sheen to it.
Becky:So that was super fun at school, getting made fun of for green hair. And as I got into high school, like, I would try and rally. I tried out for cheerleading. I did some plays. And mostly in the summer and the spring and the early fall, I could kinda function.
Becky:But during the wintertime, I could barely function at all. I just wanted to sleep all the time, and the depression just deepened and deepened. By the time I went to college, things really started to fall apart for me. And, unfortunately, this is a really common thing for people who are going to college when they've had a lot of struggles growing up, when they've had this kind of underlying depression and anxiety. They can hold it together with their family.
Becky:And then as they go to college and they start living on their own, things start to fall apart really quickly. It was about November 2000 when I had my first suicide attempt. I remember being taken to the ER, and the ER doctor actually told me I was wasting his time. That was how he handled that, and I was given no follow-up whatsoever. Nobody ever talked to me about it.
Becky:I stopped going to my classes, and I isolated in my room all the time. I slept all day, and I was up all night nor my roommates, be by myself at night. I did have one guy friend that would come over at nighttime and just kinda hang out with me and talk to me, and that was nice. He was kind of a guiding star for me at that time. But I ended up failing all of my second semester classes.
Becky:I completely failed out of college. I got straight F's. And it was a real bummer because when I went home after college, nobody knew I had failed college. Like, hadn't talked to my parents. They didn't know I was sleeping all day and up all night and not going to classes.
Becky:And I didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't know how I was gonna tell them. I didn't know what I was gonna do for college. Like, I had completely failed. And so I made another suicide attempt.
Becky:And my parents found out this time and, you know, I spent some time in emergency room in an ICU. And then they sent me to the psych unit where we worked on medication and kind of figuring out what was going on. And after I got home a few weeks later, I went to the Center for Change in Orem, Utah, which is a facility, an inpatient facility for eating disorders. And I was there for about three months. And we did group therapy, music therapy, art therapy, recreation therapy, regular therapy.
Becky:Like we therapy all day long. All day long. And I was surrounded by the most loving people. And I really, at this point, I just really wanted to get better. I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Becky:I could hardly stand it. And I wanted to recover. I desperately didn't want to have an eating disorder anymore. I knew what was causing so much of this anxiety and depression I was experiencing. But after the Center for Change, I quickly fell back into anorexia and depression.
Becky:Despite my best efforts, I got really bad really fast. And the depression was like a next level depression. I had never experienced depression this deep before. Not only did I sleep all day, but I started sleeping all night. I was just asleep all the time or pretending to be asleep, like trying to sleep.
Becky:I was so paralyzed. I couldn't get in the shower. I would go two weeks at a time without showering. My hair looked sopping wet. I looked wet all the time just from not showering.
Becky:I remember laying in my bed and I needed to itch my nose. My hand and my arm was just right in front of my nose. It was right there and I needed to itch my nose and I couldn't do it. I couldn't move my hand and my arm that five inches to just itch my nose because my body just felt so paralyzed and so heavy with depression. I would just cry and cry all the time.
Becky:My life went on like this for several months until I made another suicide attempt. And this time, it was nearly fatal. It was it was pretty bad. It was pretty traumatic. And I won't get into the details of it, but the trauma from it, it seemed to, like, shock me into choosing life.
Becky:I remember coming back from ICU and from the hospital and thinking, I got a second chance at life. I got a second chance and I don't want to mess it up. And I want to go again. I almost felt like I'd had a funeral for that first part of my life and I got to go again. Here we go.
Becky:So I went off all of my meds, and I'm not recommending that at all. Please do not do that. Please work with your doctor with any medication adjustments that you have. But for me at that time, it ended up being a good choice because the medication I was on ended up getting removed from the market. And a lot of that deep depression that I went through that time was actually caused by that medication.
Becky:So it's a good thing I went off of it, but please do not adjust your medication without talking to your doctor first if you are on it. So once I was off the meds and I felt like I was starting to wake up, I started devouring self help books. I read this book called Dare to Dream. It's like a 1990s live your dreams book, and I loved it so much. And I read the power of positive thinking, and I started learning about the way my brain works, the way my thinking works, and how that affects the way that I feel.
Becky:And then I started studying psychology and human development. I went to college and just dove into every psychology and human development class I could find. I started working in residential treatment with teenagers and who were also struggling with anxiety and depression. I ended up healing myself from my eating disorder by focusing on my mindset and my self talk. I focused on my mindset before it was even a thing.
Becky:Like, we hadn't even talked about mindset, but it was what I started working on and noticed made the biggest impact in my life. And gradually, I felt better. I graduated from college with high grades the last two semesters. Actually, the last two years of my college, I got near four point o's because I wanted to go to grad school. So I worked really hard to get good grades to make up for that semester of straight f's.
Becky:I started running for strength and health like I fully recovered from my eating disorder. You could not pay me any level of money to go back there. I was going out. I was meeting people. I was living my life.
Becky:At the time, I was working full time at the University of Utah's neuropsychiatric unit. And I even took a motorcycle class. I was preparing to buy a motorcycle. And I remember having a thought at the time, it was about 02/2006, and I was like, I want to live. It was the first time since I was 11 years old that I could remember thinking, I'm enjoying life.
Becky:Like, I want to do this. And life just wasn't a fight anymore. And I wish, I wish from the bottom of heart that I could say that that is where I started to soar. That that's where my life took off. That that's where things just really started cooking for me.
Becky:But life had other plans for me. I was 26 years old when I herniated two discs in my back. And I'll save the details of that story for another episode. But it was a life altering injury for me. It changed everything about my life.
Becky:For seven months, I could barely sit or walk. It was incredibly painful. I laid on the floor for almost seven straight months just working on my laptop. Eventually, we decided to have surgery. And the surgery went really well at first, but then the scar tissue from the surgery grew and attached to my sciatic nerve in my leg and essentially caused a permanent problem.
Becky:The problem we were trying to fix became permanent. And this was about 02/2006. Okay. So this is prior to the opioid epidemic. And when I was in the emergency room, when I initially had the injury, I remember the nurse came in and she offered me, you know, would you like Lortab?
Becky:Would you like Tylenol three? And I was very aware at that time that I really liked Lortab, like, more than your average person. I really liked those medications and that I should not take them. I had a sense that I was probably easily addicted to them. So I told her, no, you see me some like ibuprofen.
Becky:I don't want any pain meds. And then she came back twenty minutes later and said, well, there's this new medication. It's called Percocet. It's less addictive than the others. And you could try it if you want.
Becky:I thought, okay, great. This is less addictive. Like, it won't be like Lortab. And I took the Percocet and twenty minutes later, all of the anxiety and all of the depression that I had felt my whole life just left. That wall that I had built up to keep all the people out just came crashing down and I was filled with so much love and connection for people.
Becky:I felt so much love and connection and gratitude in that moment. What I was really experiencing was euphoria, the euphoria from the pain medication. But I thought it was just like love and connection and gratitude. I was so grateful that the pain was lessened, that my husband was there with me. That medication, it was so helpful.
Becky:It got me through my pain. It got me through my discomfort. It gave me a life so that I could move around and do things. But I really started to notice that it was very useful for my emotions as well. And I quickly became addicted emotionally and physically.
Becky:And I spent the next fifteen years struggling with addiction. So what I'm telling you here is I had fifteen years of anxiety, depression, and eating disorder, self harm, and multiple suicide attempts. I recovered for almost a full year. Like, I had about a year of my life where I felt really awesome, really great. And then the next fifteen years, I was addicted to prescription pain pills, which I overcame eventually with the help of a life coach.
Becky:Like, who would have thought a life coach is the person that's gonna help me overcome my addiction? But that's how it happened. During that thirty year struggle, I was told a lot of things about myself by well meaning professionals. Okay? Most of them were professionals just trying to give me insight about how I was gonna be managing my life.
Becky:But here's some of the messages that I received at that time. I'd never get better. I'd always have an eating disorder. I would need to just manage it the rest of my life. I'd be an addict all of my life.
Becky:Once an addict, always an addict. I would always need medication that my depression was genetic and therefore permanent. I was told that I was attention seeking. I was told that I didn't really wanna die. You imagine how that would feel receiving that message after you just had a pretty big suicide attempt.
Becky:Hey. You don't really wanna die. You didn't really try hard enough. I was told that I was wasting money by multiple people. I was diagnosed with multiple mental health disorders, and I was told that they were permanent.
Becky:Like, there wasn't much I could do about them. Okay? Now, thank goodness I have a very strong rebel in me because I didn't accept the labels. The labels ticked me off and I got determined instead. I started studying the brain.
Becky:I started studying thought work. I started noticing the things that helped me. I got into something called solutions focused therapy I learned about in college and it was always like, what works? What helps? I started doing that.
Becky:I started experimenting with every resource I could get my hands on. I tried the traditional methods like therapy, addiction recovery group, inpatient, outpatient. I tried all kinds of alternative methods. I may or may not have had a colon cleanse or two in an attempt to detox my body and see if that would help with getting rid of the addiction. Just maybe.
Becky:Okay, just maybe. When I couldn't find tools that worked for me, I created my own tools. I would read books and I would just put things together or just try and figure it out. And I would keep trying. And, you know, it was really up and down.
Becky:Sometimes the depression was hard. Sometimes it was better. Sometimes the addiction was really rough. Sometimes I had a couple of months where I was clean. But over time, I overcame all of these struggles one at a time.
Becky:The last one was the addiction, and it was by far the stickiest and hardest one for me. But that's when I discovered life coaching. Life coaching was everything that I had read in all of these books and all of these things that I had learned. And they put it into this thing called life coaching. And I was like, oh my gosh, this is everything I've been looking for.
Becky:And it 100% saved my life. It was the right tool for me. Absolutely the right tool for me. Okay. So why am I telling you this?
Becky:This is what I want you to know. Listen up, my friends. If you are struggling, you are not stuck. If you are lonely, if you are depressed, if you are anxious, if you're experiencing fear, there's so much fear and anxiety out there in the world right now. I want you to know you're not stuck.
Becky:It's not permanent. Okay? You're not stuck the way you are. The traditional tools, they didn't work for me. Therapy was helpful, but it didn't do a lot for me.
Becky:I love and I value and I appreciate it so much. It just wasn't the right tool for me. I have lots of friends and family that is 100% the right tool for them. It wasn't for me. Medication for me.
Becky:I had an opposite reaction to most meds. It usually caused more anxiety and more depression, which was hard for me to explain to my family when I was younger because I didn't have the words for it. But most of the medication made things worse for me just because I had that opposite reaction. I 100% support anybody who needs to take medication. I actually take a little bit now.
Becky:I finally found one that helps me, that works for me a little bit. Nothing against it. All I'm just saying is a lot of the traditional tools didn't work for me. What finally helped me was studying my brain, understanding how my brain works, studying how my thoughts influenced everything that I did. Life coaching and the tools that we have in life coaching changed everything for me, gave me all the tools that I needed.
Becky:It saved my life. I want you to know that recovery isn't just possible. It's inevitable if you keep going, if you keep trying. Just because one tool doesn't work doesn't mean another one won't work. Just because 25 tools don't work doesn't mean that the twenty sixth one won't be the thing that changes everything for you.
Becky:So if you keep going, if you keep trying, recovery is 100 possible. I want you to know from the bottom of my heart, you are stronger than you think. You are stronger than you know. Listen, your brain and your body, they're designed for challenge. Okay?
Becky:They're designed for hardship. Your brain is neuroplastic. That means it's flexible. It's designed to change. It's designed to adapt.
Becky:It's designed to overcome. So when your mind says to you, when you start having those thoughts that I can't change, it's been too long, I'm stuck the way I am, I've tried too many times, I want you to remind yourself people change every day. People change every day. You have somebody who was smoking for twenty five years, and one day they woke up and they stopped. They'd already tried a 107 times to quit, and the hundred and eighth time they did it.
Becky:Somebody who's been an alcoholic for forty plus years, they wake up and they stop one day. One day they change. Somebody who has experienced massive amounts of anxiety and debilitating anxiety. One day they don't. They don't have it anymore.
Becky:They change. Change is not just possible. It's happening all of the time. Just think about, like, when you were 10 years old, do you still like the same music that you're 10? Like, if you're 16 now, do you like the same music you liked when you were 10?
Becky:If you're 47 right now, are you the same person you were when you're 35? We change every single day. Okay. If you are feeling stuck and you're not sure how to start getting traction in your life, I created a free video course for you. It's 100% free.
Becky:There's nothing attached to it. Okay? If you go to beckygarnercoaching.com, you can click on get free course and it's going to give you a free video course on how to get unstuck. I'm giving you one of my best tools I have for how to get unstuck. This is the thing that helped me get unstuck even clear back when I was struggling with an eating disorder.
Becky:These are the tools that I started using. All right, my friends, I have loved spending this time with you. And I just have one favor to ask. Please share this episode. Please share this episode.
Becky:Hearing other recovery stories. When I was depressed and not sure if I want to deliver or not, hearing other people's recovery stories gave me life, gave me hope. It gave me a little spark that kept me going. So even if you don't know anyone who is struggling with life right now, just share it because you have no idea who will come across this episode, who will listen to it, and what it might give them. I can't wait to share more of what I've learned with you.
Becky:I wanna just give you all the tools, everything that I've learned. I can't wait to spend more time with you, and I'll see you next week. Thanks so much for listening to the podcast. If you're stuck and ready for change, grab my free course, get unstuck at beckygarnercoaching.com/stuck. It goes straight to the heart of what's keeping you stuck and gives you real tools to shift you out of it.
Becky:Once again, that's beckygarnercoaching.com/stuck. If this episode helped you today, don't keep it to yourself. Follow the show, leave a review, or share it with someone else. And remember, you're stronger than you think, and you're more powerful than you know. And I truly believe that.
Becky:I'll see you next time.