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Alexis, Hamsata and Jeanine discuss relationships. They discuss their ideal partners, what they want from a relationship and their toxic traits.
A WKNC commentary podcast about living and evolving while Black, hosted by Alexis Grant, Jeanine Ikekhua and Hamsata Mazou.
Alexis Grant 0:00
Hey guys, I'm Alexis or Lexi.
Hamsata Mazou 0:02
I'm Hamsata.
Jeanine Ikekhua 0:03
I'm Jeanine, and you're tuned into WKNC 88.1 FM HD-1 radio. Thanks for listening.
Alexis Grant 0:20
Back to the back, to the back, to the back, back to the back. Welcome back. To On Black podcast. Uh.
Jeanine Ikekhua 0:36
Okay.
Alexis Grant 0:37
That was cute. You ate that junk up.
Okay, on today's podcast. Actually, first off, before I even tell you what we talked about, go listen to our last one.
Hamsata Mazou 0:55
Yes.
Alexis Grant 0:56
Because it's gonna connect to this one. It's a good little connecter. Today we're gonna be talking about relationships and our toxic traits. I know y'all are so interested and excited to hear about this. Yay. Okay, what does your ideal perfect relationship look like?
Jeanine Ikekhua 1:17
I want somebody who... hmm.
Alexis Grant 1:22
Oh, I got y'all stumped.
Jeanine Ikekhua 1:23
Yeah.
I should know this.
Hamsata Mazou 1:24
I think the word perfect is what's, like,
Jeanine Ikekhua 1:27
Yeah, it's not perfect.
Hamsata Mazou 1:28
Yeah, cuz I don't feel like anything could absolutely be...
Alexis Grant 1:31
Okay. Think about it, in the sense of like, your perfect relationship isn't gonna be perfect, either.
Hamsata Mazou 1:35
Oh, okay. Like just think my ideal relationship and-
Alexis Grant 1:38
Yeah, your ideal. Your ideal relationship.
Hamsata Mazou 1:40
Okay.
Jeanine Ikekhua 1:41
I think, this is so little, but like. I need somebody who understands like, the little stuff. Like I'm very, like, I do not. One thing I'm bad at is, I don't know how to vocalize sometimes what I want. And I kind of expect you to know. I'll say it once. And if you don't get it that one time, we finna have an argument.
Alexis Grant 1:59
Oh.
Jeanine Ikekhua 2:00
Like, I need you to, like, know.
Alexis Grant 2:02
Have an argument.
Jeanine Ikekhua 2:03
I feel like you, you have to. There's certain things like, you just got to pick up on, you just got to know.
Alexis Grant 2:09
Yeah.
Jeanine Ikekhua 2:09
If I asked you what I want to eat. Don't tell me I don't know. Pick for me. Let's move on. Because if you tell me you don't know, we're gonna have a problem.
Alexis Grant 2:16
Hmm. Wow. That's crazy.
Jeanine Ikekhua 2:16
It's like little things like that. But like the big things, I vocalize that.
Alexis Grant 2:20
Okay.
Jeanine Ikekhua 2:21
It takes time, but I do it.
Alexis Grant 2:23
Okay. You know what, I can go next. You struggling. Um, the first thing that came to mind was somebody on my frequency. Somebody who's just like, on the same wavelength as me. Who has the same, like, ambitions and goals.
Jeanine Ikekhua 2:38
Hmm. We going deep. Let me take my answer back then.
Alexis Grant 2:41
No no no, your answer's still valid though, because I was about to say something not deep at all, but it's very important to me too. So.
Hamsata Mazou 2:46
I mean, yeah, I feel like that's something that's like, in my ideal relationship, because I feel like I'm gonna go far and I want someone that's gonna go far with me.
Alexis Grant 2:54
Okay. And you, and is.
Jeanine Ikekhua 2:55
Purr
Alexis Grant 2:55
And is go far, and is, and is, and is.
Jeanine Ikekhua 2:58
Purr. Yes miss manager.
Alexis Grant 3:02
For me, there's some things that are like, lowkey, non-negotiables for me that are small, but in my head, it goes back to that. I need my relationship to fit an aesthetic. Like, be within a certain aesthetic because that's like, the aesthetic that I just love.
Jeanine Ikekhua 3:19
Yeah.
Alexis Grant 3:19
But I will say, um, they have to like r&b. That's a non-negotiable for me because of how much I listen to r&b and how, like, when I'm at peace when I'm at home, when I'm by myself, that's what I'm listening to. Like, that's, that's just the level I'm at. Like, that's the level I fall back on. Like, that's my consistent. If we can't do that together, like, it's gonna be very hard to just be in the same house all the time or anything like that.
Jeanine Ikekhua 3:46
That makes sense.
Alexis Grant 3:46
So that's like really big for me. Um, I had another one, I don't even remember now. Wow. The- oh, I remember. My biggest thing when it comes to a relationship, I need you to be my peace. Like.
Jeanine Ikekhua 3:58
Oh, yes.
Alexis Grant 3:59
Everything else, like, I enjoy being happy, excited, this that the third, I don't actually need to be those things when I'm with you. I need to feel at peace. Like, I just need to be peaceful. Like.
Hamsata Mazou 4:07
I agree.
Alexis Grant 4:08
Not to put too much pressure on the person.
Jeanine Ikekhua 4:10
No, I feel like, you should be comfy.
Alexis Grant 4:12
Yeah. Not even comfy. Like, I like. It's like, if I'm stressed. And I'm like, I'm wrapped up in your arms. I want to feel peace. Like I want to just, bliss.
Jeanine Ikekhua 4:21
My toxicity's gonna come out for Lexi's sake.
Alexis Grant 4:24
Okay.
Hamsata Mazou 4:25
Spit it out, spit it out
Jeanine Ikekhua 4:26
I am very big on like. Okay, I'm gonna say this, I'm not going to say it again. I am going to have a husband, that's for sure.
Alexis Grant 4:34
Yeah.
Jeanine Ikekhua 4:35
But I 100% believe that like, men are not a necessity.
Alexis Grant 4:41
Yeah.
Jeanine Ikekhua 4:41
They are an addition.
Alexis Grant 4:42
Yeah.
Jeanine Ikekhua 4:43
I choose to have you. The same way I choose to have you,
Alexis Grant 4:46
I could choose not to have you. Exactly.
Jeanine Ikekhua 4:47
I could throw you in the trash.
Alexis Grant 4:48
Oh, okay.
Jeanine Ikekhua 4:49
It's very simple.
Alexis Grant 4:50
It's simple as that.
Jeanine Ikekhua 4:51
So, I have a hard time like, like the whole idea of like, being in a man's arms and being at peace. I don't know why but my mind is so against it cuz like.
Alexis Grant 5:00
Cuz it seems like codependency.
Jeanine Ikekhua 5:02
Yeah, like it's telling me be dependent on a husband, I'm a independent woman. I can live without you.
Alexis Grant 5:08
Yeah.
Jeanine Ikekhua 5:09
Don't forget that.
Alexis Grant 5:09
No, for real.
I think it's like the addition of like, I can be at peace through other sources. But like, my um,
Jeanine Ikekhua 5:16
But you chose him.
Alexis Grant 5:16
Yeah. Like that's my source. That's one of the sources I chose to be at peace. I wouldn't say it's main though, you know, like I don't need him to feel peaceful. It's just I'm like,that's what he needs to be to be in my life.
Jeanine Ikekhua 5:30
Really?
Alexis Grant 5:31
Why you looking- you think we codependent?
Jeanine Ikekhua 5:33
No, I don't think you're codependent, I think I have like, like, I was talking to my friend and I feel like I have like, I think it's like power. I feel like I view relationships in like a power dynamic. I don't know where I got it from, but it's so bad.
Alexis Grant 5:48
I need to not have the power.
Jeanine Ikekhua 5:49
Me too- really? I need to- Ah! Really! Explain. Explain. I'm sorry come here. Explain to us. I'm finna move closer. Hold on now.
Alexis Grant 6:00
Oh, gosh, okay, everyone's moving. Okay.
Jeanine Ikekhua 6:02
What?
Alexis Grant 6:03
So here's the thing. When it comes to men.
Jeanine Ikekhua 6:07
Yes.
Alexis Grant 6:08
If I feel more dominant than you, I'm gonna accidentally either walk over you or I'm just, I don't think I can reach the point of loving you if I feel more dominant than you.
Jeanine Ikekhua 6:19
Wow.
Alexis Grant 6:20
It's like a romantic relationship, because I'm gonna just start seeing you as like, I don't want to say a play thing, that seems intense. But like, a pet. Like, it's just, I need somebody who's gonna put me in my place. I need somebody whose dominance is over mine. I need you to be the masculine energy. That's the thing. If I'm more dominant than you, I'm gonna feel like the guy. I'm gonna feel like the man, which is fun, but not for our relationship. Like, I'm just talking to somebody, like, I don't care. But if I'm in a relationship, like, I don't want to be the masculine man. There was this Tiktok, it explained it perfectly. It was like,
Hamsata Mazou 6:50
If you want a man to bring out your feminine side,
Alexis Grant 6:52
Yes.
Hamsata Mazou 6:53
I think that's a tough thing.
Alexis Grant 6:54
Because the thing is, if you're not more masculine than me, I'm gonna be big dawg. So I need you to be more masculine than me so that I am in a space where I can be feminine.
Jeanine Ikekhua 7:03
Okay, I feel like mine is the opposite. Like, I'm. I'm attracted to manly men. Some people aren't. That's okay.
Alexis Grant 7:12
Yeah.
Jeanine Ikekhua 7:12
Oh not you switching sides.
Hamsata Mazou 7:14
I felt like our mics were too close.
Jeanine Ikekhua 7:16
Oh that's true. Sorry y'all.
Hamsata Mazou 7:17
That they were like feeding out or something. Alright.
Jeanine Ikekhua 7:20
Now we're back. I like, I'm attracted to manly men. But, I do not like when somebody has power over me. There's only one place that I'm willing to let somebody be dominant over me. Other than that. Other than that. I'm not having it. Like, I'm so. I think it's because like, my mom is such an independent boss woman. Like she's like, top tier, I do it myself and I get it done. And that's on period.
Alexis Grant 7:47
Yeah.
Jeanine Ikekhua 7:47
Like, I'm just not going to live a life where a man has control over me, like. You must.
Alexis Grant 7:52
Okay. Maybe control is not the word I will use. But just dominance- I just need somebody to put me in my place. Because here's the thing, I will talk crazy. I'll talk out the side of my neck. I'll say stuff. I just eat. And it's not even with the big things. It's like small things. Like, if I'm like, hey, go get me this. Like, I don't know.
Jeanine Ikekhua 8:08
Oh, why you being so dominant?
Alexis Grant 8:09
Like, that's what I'm saying. Like, that's what I'll do. Like if I know I got the power. Like, I'll start. I'll just start being like lowkey mean, maybe a little.
Hamsata Mazou 8:17
Kinda use it to an extent.
Alexis Grant 8:18
Yeah, but it won't even be on purpose. Like, it's just because that's our dynamic.
Hamsata Mazou 8:21
Yeah, you just like,
Alexis Grant 8:22
But I don't want that in a husband. So if I'm like, go get this, I need you to be like, who you talking to? Like, I need somebody to put me in my place.
Hamsata Mazou 8:29
But I feel like it's more in like, a playful sense as well. Right?
Alexis Grant 8:31
It is a little playful, but it's also like, I actually do need them to put me in my place or I'm gonna walk over them.
Jeanine Ikekhua 8:36
And like, I wouldn't be with a black man. I don't marry black man. Yeah, that's just it. And I feel like men in general. Not all men, but I feel like men have like this like, ego thing. Like, they want to be like the dominant one. Like I got into a conversation with my friend the other day. And he literally was just like, like, like, I want to feel like a man in a relationship. But I'm like, what does that mean? Like to this day, I'm like, what does that mean? He's like I wanna feel like a man, I want to feel like a masculine man, like what does that mean?
Alexis Grant 9:02
He wants to be the masculine energy.
Jeanine Ikekhua 9:04
See, because what does that mean.
Alexis Grant 9:06
Okay, I don't know if you just never been in that situation. But I've been in a lot of situations where I have the masculine energy in a dynamic.
Jeanine Ikekhua 9:12
Explain to me friend.
Alexis Grant 9:14
It is hard to explain.
Jeanine Ikekhua 9:16
Cuz that's really. He's like, I don't know, I'm like, you should know.
Alexis Grant 9:19
It is really hard to explain. I don't want to say like, I felt like a provider because it's not like I was providing to them.
Hamsata Mazou 9:25
On like, Google, it says masculine energy is a side of you being that is responsible for taking action. So I feel like, the man is the one just kind of like, kind of guiding to an extent, but not guiding, but like, but
Alexis Grant 9:29
You have to think, everybody has masculine and feminine energy. So it's not like, it's not like I, if I have feminine energy, I have no masculine energy. I still do ,but I want somebody, because in a lot of settings, I have more masculine energy. And I want my man to put me in a situation where I'm more feminine with him.
Jeanine Ikekhua 9:56
I think it's like my brain, like, I'm hearing you guys but like,
Alexis Grant 10:00
It's just.
Jeanine Ikekhua 10:02
I'm hearing masculine, and I'm thinking dominant and I'm thinking like,
Alexis Grant 10:05
Yeah, it's not, it doesn't have to be dominant.
Hamsata Mazou 10:07
It doesn't have to be continuous either. I don't feel like it's like, you're always dominant and then like you're always submissive.
Alexis Grant 10:13
It's not like the whole time.
Hamsata Mazou 10:14
I feel like, it's like, at times he needs to be able to get overpowered. So that, I guess like, to balance her out is what she's trying to say.
Alexis Grant 10:22
My masculine energy would just keep it. Yeah.
Hamsata Mazou 10:25
For me, I need that balance of like us being both masculine and feminine, like, because sometimes I feel like, vulnerability sometimes ties back to being like, feminine. I don't think that's necessarily true. But I feel like I need my partner to be vulnerable with me in that sense. Like, we could both be vulnerable together, we could both be feminine, I guess, in that stance, you know, but other times like, also like that dominance thing is why I can see that as well, and I feel like sometimes I want to be more dominant. I'm not gonna lie, like sometimes.
Jeanine Ikekhua 10:50
I think-
Hamsata Mazou 10:51
But like, I need that.
Jeanine Ikekhua 10:52
I see what you're saying. I think like, I want to get rid of the word, for me personally. Just get rid of the word masculine, feminine.
Hamsata Mazou 10:58
Yeah.
Jeanine Ikekhua 10:58
I just don't like those two words like that.
Hamsata Mazou 11:00
Because of the connotation.
Jeanine Ikekhua 11:01
Yeah, it's like the stereotypical, like a feminine woman and then a man. I'm like yeah. Screw that. Like, I want, like,
Alexis Grant 11:07
See, I feel like it's more of an energy thing. I don't think of it as a man and a female.
Hamsata Mazou 11:11
Yeah.
Jeanine Ikekhua 11:12
Yeah, that's what I don't agree.
Alexis Grant 11:17
It's a energy. And it's okay to have masculine energy. Like, even though those things are associated with like, different things. It's okay, cuz. I can't remember if it's like Hawaiian, like Pacific Islander, or Native American, or maybe it's both. But they have this thing where it's like, everybody has masculine and feminine energy. And like,
Jeanine Ikekhua 11:37
I know what you're talking about. And like, they have like that third gender or something, I don't know.
Alexis Grant 11:40
Yeah, stuff like that. So that's how I'm more thinking of it as like, it's like an energy thing, but not necessarily I'm being more manly, or I'm being more like a woman. It's just like a, energies. Two different energies. Yeah.
Jeanine Ikekhua 11:54
I think that's why I have a toxicity problem in relationships, or like why could, I couldn't develop one because I think my mind like, I'm still in the mindset of like, sexist type of connotation with that type of thing.
Alexis Grant 12:09
And like, misogyny and stuff like, yeah.
Jeanine Ikekhua 12:11
Yeah, like, I don't think because I'm because I'm so,
Alexis Grant 12:12
Because yeah, I'm not like that either. I'm an independent woman.
Jeanine Ikekhua 12:14
Yeah, yeah.
Alexis Grant 12:14
I don't like what you said. I don't need you.
Jeanine Ikekhua 12:16
Working on that.
Alexis Grant 12:17
Yes. Like, I don't need you. I'm choosing to have you.
Hamsata Mazou 12:20
Exactly, cuz I feel like relationships. You guys should both be at 100. Together, be at 200. Like you guys are.
Alexis Grant 12:24
Okay. I like you know, you're both at 100. Yeah, this is not a 50/50. This is a 100 and a 100.
Hamsata Mazou 12:30
It's not like you're completing me or something because,
Alexis Grant 12:32
Yeah, that's crazy. That's codependency, I don't want to be like codependency.
Hamsata Mazou 12:37
What's that, 75, or like that 25 he added, and you're at 75. And once that leaves, you're gonna feel incomplete. But if you're both at 100, come together, and you just make something more powerful. Just like you've made a unity that's just like, its own thing. And you leave. You're still yourselves. You know.
Jeanine Ikekhua 12:51
Give me a handshake.
Alexis Grant 12:52
Yeah, that was amazing. No, she spit on that. No cap, she went crazy.
Jeanine Ikekhua 12:59
Ain't no 50/50, 100/100.
Hamsata Mazou 13:01
And I heard this from somewhere too, it's not like my own idea I will say.
Alexis Grant 13:06
Yeah, you ate.
Jeanine Ikekhua 13:07
You ate.
Hamsata Mazou 13:07
Thank you.
Alexis Grant 13:08
Um, okay. The other thing I was gonna say. How much compromise you guys feel is needed in a relationship, because I'm a type of person right now. And I, there's some complications when it comes to this, either with me trying to explain it. But like, I don't, I don't want to say you shouldn't compromise but like, location and compromise.
Hamsata Mazou 13:26
I feel like, there's things that shouldn't be compromised upon. And that's based on each person. But also, I feel like there's things that can be compromised, but they just can't be. I feel like there's levels to things you know, and the like, there's things that are like, these are non, like, negotiable. Yeah, non-negotiables. And then like, maybe the things that you're like, I'm willing for you to work on, or like I see these things building in you, you're not at that point, but like it's there. And then like, the compromisable things are just like little things, like let's say somebody just really prefers you to like, I don't know, rub their feet every night type thing,
Jeanine Ikekhua 14:01
Ooh bye. I know what you mean but bye.
Hamsata Mazou 14:07
Maybe make them breakfast, like not even a big breakfast, but just like leaving them a little bagel, you know,
Alexis Grant 14:12
I see what you're saying.
Hamsata Mazou 14:12
and like, those are things that like, let's say you don't like waking up early, but like, you know, that really like, adds to your partner's day type thing. That's something like, you can compromise a little bit because you know, that like, that really just makes their - you know what I mean?
Jeanine Ikekhua 14:25
No, I know what you mean.
Hamsata Mazou 14:26
It's not like, too big of like a. Oh, I'm like, bending my entire, like, core for you, type thing.
Alexis Grant 14:31
Yeah, I think I'm afraid of like compromising, because I don't want to fall into a hole where I compromise too much. Because it's like, where's the line drawn?
Hamsata Mazou 14:38
Yeah, and I just feel like.
Jeanine Ikekhua 14:39
I feel like you gotta like. You, you as an individual have to lay your boundaries. And I think there's also like certain things that you need to tell your partner. Like for me, one thing I will vocalize is like, I have a tendency, like, to try to be like, the dominant one consistently, because I feel like that makes up like, the fact that like, the misogyny and stuff like that.
Alexis Grant 15:00
See, you don't got to, you can embrace the non-dominant sometimes Jeanine.
Jeanine Ikekhua 15:07
We'll come back. We'll come back to that. But I feel like you've got to let your partner like know, like, what your tendencies are, and it's like, it's your responsibility and then also like some of theirs, to also help you.
Hamsata Mazou 15:19
That's like, like, once you start acting on them like, Hey, you're kinda like doing what she makes you aware of? Yeah, I mean, as long as it's like a mutual agreement, as well. I don't feel like you pointing out somebody, it could feel like an attack at times, like, Hey, you're like, it has to be like a mutual understanding and a talk, or these actions are being, like, placed,
Alexis Grant 15:39
But what Janine said about, like, how you said, sometimes you'll say stuff once. And then that's it. I feel like that's how I am with like, certain things with like, compromising. Like, if I say, because I'm somebody before I get into the relationship. Like, I'm gonna have a talk, like, we're gonna have a talk to go through
Hamsata Mazou 15:54
As you should everybody, should.
Alexis Grant 15:55
Yeah, cuz some people, they don't realize like, yeah, you might like this person and stuff, but you need to have a serious talk about, like, some serious things. Like you can't assume like, what's considered cheating, like, what's like, when, like, how do you want me to approach you? If we have problems
Jeanine Ikekhua 16:09
Your conflict language!
Alexis Grant 16:10
Yeah, like, you need to talk about those things before getting in a relationship so that you can avoid like, a bunch of problems. Like, that's really big, but we're not like the saying the the one thing if I tell you before we get in relationship, like I don't like certain things, like, not little things, but like, okay, like my first relationship, I was like, Okay, I don't like, like, in the person knew this. I don't like super cutesy stuff. I'm not that super cutesy kind of person. They're like, Yeah, I understand. I know that like, and I knew they were. And that was a thing. And that's something I knew I wasn't gonna compromise on, because I just don't like it. Like, it's gonna make me not like it. And they said that they were fine with that. But then they started doing the cutesy things, and it started draining my energy. And like, I just didn't even have the energy to have the conversation with him, because it's like, I feel like he should have known because, first of all, we've been friends for so long, like you've known this whole time. I don't like that. And before we got in relationship, we had this conversation like, we have to make sure that is this okay, that I don't like this? Like,
Hamsata Mazou 17:05
yeah, I think it's sometimes it's hard for people to break like that type of love language communication, because like you said, it's his language. So usually people try to show affection by their own love language and not taking into consideration the other person's love language. And so that's something
Alexis Grant 17:21
I'm not willing to compromise on. I'm just gonna have to find somebody who else who likes physical touch. Like it's as simple as Oh,
I compromised on that
Hamsata Mazou 17:27
You can finds somebody like, who can like be a different love language, but still be able to cater to yours? I think it's very possible
Alexis Grant 17:34
It would have to be like, even if it's not my top, it's gonna have to be like, it can't be the bottom. Like, if somebody needs words of affirmation from me, we're not going to work out. It's as simple as that.
Jeanine Ikekhua 17:41
I agree. Me too. If you need someone you love. I love you. I'm like,
Alexis Grant 17:45
It's just not gonna happen. And then you're not gonna feel appreciated
Hamsata Mazou 17:47
At least for me, it's not literally like the words, "I love you," was just like little things. Of like, just words. Yeah,
Jeanine Ikekhua 17:54
even that. Yeah,
Alexis Grant 17:55
I'm not that I'm not that. No cap, bro. I'm the type of person I won't even say I miss you.
Jeanine Ikekhua 18:01
I have
Hamsata Mazou 18:03
It depends. I like words have so much power. Do so for me. I like using more like specific words. For the most part. I will say sometimes I'm more loose with my words. Like, well, I guess for me, like when my toxic traits is like, I won't apologize if I don't feel sorry.
Jeanine Ikekhua 18:22
I noticed. Yeah. I've noticed. It's not a bad thing. But I've noticed
Hamsata Mazou 18:27
Like, you could tell me I did something wrong. But like if I truly don't feel that, okay, yeah, and I keep pushing, right? Because if I don't feel sorry
Alexis Grant 18:36
Like, you're not gonna lie about it
Hamsata Mazou 18:38
I don't like lying either. I will say me sometimes like Little Miss Little White Lies, sometimes not intentional. I will say for sure. Sometimes things just don't match up. But I just don't like saying things I don't mean. And so like saying sorry about something I don't feel sorry for, it takes a lot out of me. I'm not gonna lie to you.
Alexis Grant 18:55
No, it's an energy drainer.
Hamsata Mazou 18:57
It really bothers me. I'm like, Why did I say that? You know, like, why?
Jeanine Ikekhua 19:02
Yeah, no, I agree. I'm not a words of affirmation person. I think like words hold such a significant weight
Alexis Grant 19:09
That's why I don't use them.
Jeanine Ikekhua 19:10
I don't want to say something and then like backtrack, or like I don't want to like, invest too much. I'm just like, let's hold like, hold off on that. But I have I've been compromising on physical touch. I'm not a physical person. I like to touch people but I do not like being touched. But I have somebody who likes being touched and likes words of affirmation. I have compromised and I think it takes time like I'm somebody that you have to be consistent with and like, Wait, I will progress but just give me time. Some people aren't willing to stay there because it took me what eight months to get to like comfortable like to say the words I miss you or like, I want you to be here. That's crazy, man, I don't even
Alexis Grant 19:47
Okay, this is a big thing for me. Like this is sound so weird. I was trying to explain this to my friend the other day like she finally got it but I need somebody who's nonchalant in order for me to ever even get to words of affirmation?
Jeanine Ikekhua 19:58
I agree.
Alexis Grant 20:05
Because I feel like when I say like, like, if I say, and I miss you, if it's somebody who's very, very like, emotional, like, it's gonna mean more to them than it means to me. And I don't want to be in that imbalance because that junk is crazy, like that emotional imbalance is something very serious. So if they're nonchalant about it, and I'm like, I miss you. And they're like, why would you say that to me? I'm gonna be like, I don't know, that was weird. Ew. And that's how I like to communicate. Yes. Like, I'll be like, yeah, like, I feel nasty. But I'ma tell you, I miss you right now. And they're gonna be like, Wow, that's wild. would be like, I know, right? Like, that's the type of communication I like, like I enjoy.
Hamsata Mazou 20:42
That would not work for me.
Jeanine Ikekhua 20:45
That's what I used to do
Alexis Grant 20:46
I don't even want them to say it back. I really don't.
Jeanine Ikekhua 20:47
And now it's like a 50/50. Because like, I like that, because it's like, you know what I mean? Yeah, but I'm not gonna do what I mean. But you know what I mean? Yeah. But I still feel like, like, you gotta go back and be like, now I'll do that. And like, they'll say, Oh, I miss you. But like, next year, I'll be like, Yeah, sure. I miss you. I've been getting to like, write things down. I can't say things, but I can write things. So what I'll do like,
Alexis Grant 21:11
[inaudible] is hard.
Jeanine Ikekhua 21:12
It's so hard for me. Like one of my friends had COVID And like, I wanted to be there for them but like COVID I'm finna run. So instead of like messaging I miss you or all of that. I just wrote like
Alexis Grant 21:27
A letter?
Jeanine Ikekhua 21:28
Literally love notes every day. And I sprayed them in my perfume. So like, they could smell me. Yeah, like I sprayed like a teddy bear with my perfume too. So they could like cuddle with a teddy bear so
Alexis Grant 21:40
[inaudible] doesn't sound like she's gift giving is that one of y'all love languages?
Jeanine Ikekhua 21:45
It's not. I do, all, when it, when it comes to what I show people I do the entire spectrum.
Alexis Grant 21:52
Okay.
Jeanine Ikekhua 21:53
When it comes to what I want to recieve
Alexis Grant 21:54
What about words of affirmation?
Jeanine Ikekhua 21:56
Nah. Except from words of affirmation. I do everything else acts of service, physical touch, whatever. I do everything else. But words of affirmation? No. Unless it's on paper. I can write it on paper.
Alexis Grant 22:07
I can't even, even on paper. It's so hard for me. Like I'm just crazy to me. Like, I really need to I just need somebody nonchalant in order for me to even get to the point of
Jeanine Ikekhua 22:17
I will do everything but say the actual words. No. Everything else but say the actual words. I'm not saying it
Alexis Grant 22:17
Like it's insane how far I'll go to not say the actual words.
Jeanine Ikekhua 22:28
Hamsata's looking at us like, y'all crazy.
Alexis Grant 22:29
No cap.
Hamsata Mazou 22:29
No, I'm just like taking it in. You know, I feel like there's different people. You guys are like on the opposite spectrum of me. So it's just like, oh, this is how this feels to some people.
Jeanine Ikekhua 22:38
You really do be meaning it when you say...
Hamsata Mazou 22:41
Say what?
Jeanine Ikekhua 22:41
The words. Lalalala youuu
Hamsata Mazou 22:45
Well, I usually say it to like, my friends or like my siblings, or like my family. But yeah, usually, sometimes though, I will say like, it depends, the environment it's being said. It's like the "Oh, I love you!" I was like, "Oh, I love you too!" You know?
Alexis Grant 23:01
Yeah, I'm never the one to initiate like the "okay, bye, love you!"
Hamsata Mazou 23:05
I just never initiate it, you know? Because to me, that means so much more
Alexis Grant 23:10
I be feeling bad if I don't say sometimes. I'll be like, Okay, see you like,
Jeanine Ikekhua 23:14
I be like, la la la la. I be mumbling, like la la
Hamsata Mazou 23:19
Like if somebody says it to me and I just like, like the manner it's being said it's just like all like a casual thing and stuff. Because I feel like it's been used casually and I wouldn't say literally, I would use it's casual, but some people use it casually, so I use it casually back to them to reciprocate that, but not necessarily. I don't think I would use that in a casual way.
Alexis Grant 23:39
Okay. So this is a little different. How, how do you guys feel about polyamorous relationships?
Jeanine Ikekhua 23:47
Nope!
Alexis Grant 23:48
Oh
Jeanine Ikekhua 23:49
You heard me. Nope.
Hamsata Mazou 23:51
I mean, me, but I respect other people's relationships that are poly because again, at least for me, my family is poly. Well, not my nuclear. Extended, extended family. They're poly. I mean, my mom's father, she had two moms she loves them both dearly when each one passed away, or was just like a piece of her leaving her so it was just like a big connection. And for that for me, it's just like, there's really like a connection and love within these relationships. So I can't really like say anything especially like, now I feel like they're becoming more acceptable society. I don't know. I feel like for me, at least on my social media, I'm seeing more of it. And I enjoy watching it and seeing like people's reasonings and stuff for it. But can I be in that situation? No.
Alexis Grant 24:36
Yeah, I just don't have the energy. Yeah, if I wanted to like I don't think I don't have an urge to want to but I couldn't even if I wanted to
Hamsata Mazou 24:44
I feel like 'cuz you have to be able to like, like everybody in the relationship, whoever the other partner is.
Alexis Grant 24:51
It's not even liking them, I don't have the energy to like, do the things I need to do.
Hamsata Mazou 24:56
Well, yeah, but show them like the love and stuff.
Alexis Grant 24:58
Yeah
Jeanine Ikekhua 24:58
Like I'm so hesitant with one person like with two people, that's a lot. Like my energy would just be drained. And then I wouldn't want to do anything.
Alexis Grant 25:05
Yeah, yeah. Cuz I have to make sure like, because like when I am in a relationship, I like to do certain things like and be a certain way and whatever. And I don't have the energy to do that to two people because I'm, I'm a very low maintenance, like, girl in a relationship. Like in a good relationship, I'm so lonely and it's like, you don't even need to text me every day. And I know that some people that's insane.
Jeanine Ikekhua 25:30
No, I get that.
Alexis Grant 25:31
Yeah, like, there's people, I've been seeing stuff on Twitter. It's like, yeah, if you're okay with not texting your significant other every day, like you don't even love them. But it's not even that, like, I just don't need it. Like, I love my friends. I love my family. I don't talk to them every day.
Jeanine Ikekhua 25:45
Neither do I.
Alexis Grant 25:46
And like, it's one thing like if you're married, if you're married, and you're living together, like you're most likely to talk to each other every day, stuff like that. But like, right now, me being like college, we're not living together anything like that. Like, I might talk to them every day. And that's fine. It's not like I'm against talking to them every day, but it's not something I need, or I keep track of.
Hamsata Mazou 26:03
Yeah, that's like, at least every week. For me.
Alexis Grant 26:07
Yeah, like I need to talk to them more than once a week. Well, yeah.
Hamsata Mazou 26:09
But like, at the very minimum, like, yeah,
Jeanine Ikekhua 26:13
I call mine or social. But I just went through my call log in the day and it really said, Friend, friend, friend, friend, friend, mom, best friend, best friend, best friend, best friend. Yeah, I think I speak to the person.
Alexis Grant 26:26
Yeah. Six times a day?
Jeanine Ikekhua 26:29
But here's the thing. Like, they live right there. Like, we're college like, everybody is so close. So it's not even on the phone for like hours and hours, it's just like on the phone like "Okay, are you here? Okay, let's go."
Alexis Grant 26:42
Yes.
Jeanine Ikekhua 26:42
"Did you get this? Can I pick stuff up from you? I forgot something." It's like, basically like that.
Hamsata Mazou 26:46
So basically for you, it's like what you probably could have said in text you do it in phone call?
Jeanine Ikekhua 26:50
Yes, I do not. If you text me and say "Hey Jeanine, I just need something real quick from you. You call me." I'm not answering.
Hamsata Mazou 26:56
I usually call people if I need it immediately. Like after a little bit like five to 10 minutes you don't reply, calling you. FaceTime specifically.
Jeanine Ikekhua 27:03
Everything is immediate for me. And I treat my friends the same way. Like every single, if you, every single thing is even if it's just like, "I just wanted to say hi." Like, "Oh, I forgot something." Like everything is immediate for me. So I'm always gonna pick up which is why, I don't, I don't, which is, I only tell a specific group of people you can call me everybody else you're not gonna get me.
Hamsata Mazou 27:25
I remember you did say that for your birthday cuz I was like I remember you said that...
Jeanine Ikekhua 27:30
Oh, yeah.
Hamsata Mazou 27:31
And then afterwards you were like, I was like, I don't know why something about calling you on your birthday came up. You're like "oh, that's fine. It's okay." And I was like oh, but then you said don't and I was like, let me just stick with the don't.
Jeanine Ikekhua 27:42
No, I feel like there's levels to things. Like I'm very, I've said this before, but I'm very protective about my energy on my birthday. You know I
Alexis Grant 27:50
I respect you
Jeanine Ikekhua 27:52
Really?
Alexis Grant 27:54
Yeah I feel like that's very different
Hamsata Mazou 27:56
I didn't think you were gonna respond that day. I was thinking like the next day you respond to my text to me, lowkey, felt like you were like doing like a no phone thing as well in my head.
Jeanine Ikekhua 28:04
No, I was on my phone. I wasn't on social, but I was on my phone. Because like I told you, I spent three hours with my friends and like, five, four of my friends called me twice in the day to check in on me. I'm just very protective of like, if you haven't earned my trust to a degree, don't you dare call me. You will never be able to get me. You have to work to have my friendship. Okay. I'm being so serious. And for the people who have worked, like, I have friends that I I don't have any friend at this point that I can call my friend at anytime that we haven't been friends for at least four years. I have friendships that go back. I literally was on my best friend's story and I didn't even realize like she has a picture of us from when we were like seven years old. All my friendships go back like six, five, like five years old, six years. I have pictures us from like so long. They've known me through everything. So you have the honor because you've worked for it to get to call me the rest of your don't pick up that phone. You don't know me you never will until you get to actually take the time to know me. And that's on period. I'm so protective over it. No average could even get me.
Alexis Grant 29:04
I definitely would say that's different. Like, I don't think a lot of people are thinking that relational protecting. Yeah, on my birthday. I'm like what I'll do, I'll start responding to people. And then if I get tired, I tend to respond more to people the next day. And on my actual birthday. I will say that because I just get tired. Like I just can't respond to that many people. That's why have you doing those little Instagram things like the little ask a question, and I'll respond to some of them. But like, I always only get through like a fourth of them because I just don't have the energy to like, post the rest or do whatever. Like, I be feeling bad because some of them are funny.
You be responding to mine.
Especially you.
I definitely think that energy thing like, that's different, like on your birthday, because I feel like the only people who don't really talk to people on their birthday are people who don't celebrate it, but you're celebrating it. You just aren't celebrating it with everybody.
Jeanine Ikekhua 29:50
Yeah, I feel, Yeah, like, you guys have no idea what I did on my birthday other than what I told you now. Y'all are also, like y'all are friends. So I'll let y'all know. Oh, but, but um, yeah, like, I don't even think. Like I called my friend that I was on the phone with like 20 minutes ago and y'all, y'all heard when I was on the phone going off, but like she had no idea I was celebrating my birthday. I had a whole fun filled yesterday, like,
Alexis Grant 29:50
I am so happy for you
Hamsata Mazou 29:50
Yeah, me too
Jeanine Ikekhua 30:02
Yes, I went to like four different places. I went, I went out to eat twice, went out to the movies. What, I stayed up til 2am? Like, I was having the entire like, but nobody would know because I'm so unactive on social media, like nobody had, nobody even knew was my birthday other than the people close to me, because I don't say a word. Like, I'm not gonna say nothing.
Hamsata Mazou 30:38
No, because even when you were telling me I was like, I don't want to indirectly ask, like directly ask you, so I was like, every time you mentioned it. I was trying to take hints. That's why my hints didn't line up,
Jeanine Ikekhua 30:47
21st, 22nd, I said dang. That's a three day weekend, come on now.
Hamsata Mazou 30:55
Yeah, cuz I was like, I need to remember. But I don't want to like ask you directly either. So I was just like, trying to like, make sure because you would like, mention it. But in correlation to things. You wouldn't actually say your birthday. Like, oh, this is near my birthday, or this is the day before my birthday, but she never actually stated when was her birthday. So then like with those situations, they kind of blurred because I would recall them later in the day. Like okay, if this this and this, this is this. This has to be her birthday.
Jeanine Ikekhua 31:24
You putting two and two together.
Hamsata Mazou 31:28
So yeah,
Alexis Grant 31:28
No she ate that junk up. Okay. Now for the thing I'm most excited about. Jeanine, you're answering first, you have no, you have no choice. Toxic traits.
Jeanine Ikekhua 31:38
Mine is, um um um um um,
Alexis Grant 31:41
I'm so excited.
Jeanine Ikekhua 31:42
Okay, this is so bad. But I'm the type of person where like, I have two levels to people. You're either nothing to me, or you're everything to me.
Alexis Grant 31:52
Okay.
Jeanine Ikekhua 31:53
When I get into an argument, I get into a mindset of like,all hell break loose.
Alexis Grant 31:58
Like the relationship is about to fall apart, kind of thing?
Jeanine Ikekhua 32:00
I will make sure I will stand. I'm so strong headed. I will stand there and be like, I'm correct.
Alexis Grant 32:05
Oh you're stubborn.
Jeanine Ikekhua 32:07
Yes, and if it means that it's the end of our relationship, we're gonna die that day. Like I don't care. It's so bad. But it's like, I don't know, when I'm in it. It just happens. Like, I'll just sit there and be like, you want to argue let's take this far. You want to pull out things? Let's pull out things. I'll make you, I'll make you cry. Why? Because I want to. It's so bad. Which is why I don't argue with people. I hate arguing.
Alexis Grant 32:29
Yeah.
Jeanine Ikekhua 32:29
Because I always get in that mindset. And then all hell break with somebody to kill everybody. You're gonna die. I will do emotional damage, because I want to get to my point. It's so bad.
Alexis Grant 32:40
See, that's me when I'm angry. But I wouldn't say just like argument like I have to be actually angry.
Jeanine Ikekhua 32:43
Yeah yeah yeah. But also I think,
Alexis Grant 32:45
Well, I can get irritated easily. Actually, to the point of anger. Yeah, that's when I start like, I'll start violating and disrespecting you.
Jeanine Ikekhua 32:54
I don't do it in friendships. I think I, this is so bad. I do it in the places that I'm most invested in like emotionally, in a relationship.
Alexis Grant 33:02
It's probably because you're like scared.
Jeanine Ikekhua 33:04
Yeah, I think it goes from fear into like, I'm,
Alexis Grant 33:08
Imma get you before you get me.
Jeanine Ikekhua 33:09
Yes.
Alexis Grant 33:10
You're like, I'd rather end it here. This is a problem, I don't want to deal with this like later on. Like.
Jeanine Ikekhua 33:14
yes, yes, all hell finna break loose.
Alexis Grant 33:16
This is kind of random. But I don't know if I told y'all. And for the listeners, I feel like this is good for y'all to know too. Some of the best advice I've ever gotten for relationships. Like, I stand on this like, through and through. And this is from my friend Evelyn. Shoutout to Evelyn.
Jeanine Ikekhua 33:30
Hi, Evelyn.
Alexis Grant 33:31
I don't even know if she remembers telling me this because she kind of said it in passing but it really stuck with me. She was like, the problems you have at the very beginning of the relationship, the little problems. Those are the big problems and those, that's gonna be the reasons you guys break up in the end
Hamsata Mazou 33:42
That's true.
Alexis Grant 33:43
And I never thought about it like that before she like said that. Like she's like the. It's the littlest things like, that's what's going to ruin it in the end. And ever since then, like I've always been very picky with my relationships. But ever since then, if I can see a reason we're going to break up. I'm so hesitant to the point where I won't get in a relationship at all. If I could already see a reason we're going to break up.
Hamsata Mazou 34:03
Yeah, because at that point, you're working to a point of end.
Alexis Grant 34:06
You're working towards nothing, yeah. I'm type of person like, I'd like, I'm lowkey date to marry like, if I'm gonna see us fail. I don't. I'm not gonna get in a relationship.
Jeanine Ikekhua 34:15
Y'all gonna hate me but I am.
Alexis Grant 34:19
You're a fun dater.
Jeanine Ikekhua 34:20
No, I am a fun dater for one person and one man only. I have. I'm only ever doing this with one person, which I'm doing it with right now. But um, I feel like there's certain. I'm big on religion. I'm not gonna marry you unless you're Mormon. There are a lot of people who are not Mormon, and I have met amazing people who are not Mormon. I'm not gonna marry you. But I still want to enjoy you and enjoy us. So therefore, I'm gonna date you. What I do is I put a time limit on it.
Alexis Grant 34:51
Okay.
Jeanine Ikekhua 34:52
I've only ever done - I know right? It's so terrible.
Alexis Grant 34:54
No, I don't think, no because it's good. It's good to have, like I do think you need to have previous serious relationships before. So I understand like, I completely understand that
Hamsata Mazou 35:04
For me it was the time limit, like, What do you mean by that? Like?
Jeanine Ikekhua 35:10
My bishop, because I asked him I was like, I'm in a situation where like, I like somebody, but I know it's not gonna go anywhere because he's not Mormon and I can't marry him. But he was like, first of all, you're gonna have to date multiple people and get practice.
Alexis Grant 35:25
Yeah.
Jeanine Ikekhua 35:25
In order to be-
Alexis Grant 35:26
it gives you a perspective.
Jeanine Ikekhua 35:27
Yeah. In order to be fully prepared for marriage. The problem was the one that I'm with right now. It's looking like you really could be husband material, but you're not Mormon. So therefore, not.
Hamsata Mazou 35:37
when you're Mormon, you have to be born into it right?
Jeanine Ikekhua 35:39
No, you convert.
Hamsata Mazou 35:41
Oh, you convert.
Alexis Grant 35:43
But no, but here's the thing. I know where you're about to go. You don't want to ever put somebody in a position where they're converting because of you. Because then it's not true. It's very, it's a, it's such a delicate balance because of you. But how is she ever gonna know it's not because of her?
Jeanine Ikekhua 35:57
That's my thing, too. Because like, because you may have
Alexis Grant 36:00
For all he like, for all she knows, it was just for me just, yeah.
Jeanine Ikekhua 36:03
Because I have. I've had couples that like, the husband or the wife found Mormonism through their partner.
Alexis Grant 36:09
Yeah.
Jeanine Ikekhua 36:10
I don't want you to tie your religion with me. Because then we start start going south.
Alexis Grant 36:14
Then you're not Mormon anymore.
Jeanine Ikekhua 36:16
I want you to be committed regardless of me.
Alexis Grant 36:18
Yeah. And I feel like that is so hard to tell
Jeanine Ikekhua 36:22
it really is.
Alexis Grant 36:22
I wouldn't, I wouldn't I don't want to go through that.
Jeanine Ikekhua 36:25
I wouldn't do it.
Alexis Grant 36:26
Like, I just can't go through it. Because I'm the same way. Like I just, it has to be a Christian guy. Like it just has to be. Because if you find him through me, I don't. Like I don't want to be the link.
Jeanine Ikekhua 36:37
Yeah, I agree.
Alexis Grant 36:39
Like, that's gonna be a direct relationship you're having with God, I can't be your saving link.
Hamsata Mazou 36:44
At least in Islam. Women can't marry, which I kind of felt like sometimes is weird, but. Essentially, women can't marry a man who isn't already in the religion. However men can marry women who aren't.
Alexis Grant 36:57
I did not know that.
Jeanine Ikekhua 36:58
I didn't know that either.
Alexis Grant 36:59
So like, is that for all of Islam or just certain, like, regions? Because I know, like certain regions have certain conditions when it comes to religion.
Hamsata Mazou 37:07
Well, there's, wait. There's Sunni.
Jeanine Ikekhua 37:12
And Shiites.
Hamsata Mazou 37:13
And Shiites, Yeah, but I'm pretty sure that's a universal thing.
Alexis Grant 37:16
Okay, interesting.
Hamsata Mazou 37:18
I am Sunni. So I can't really speak for Shiites, and like how they practice because I don't really know. I didn't even know there's two different types until I went to school and asked my mom, she was like, yeah. So yeah, with that being said, I can't speak for them. But yeah, like men can like technically like have like a wife and then they can like, or a partner, I guess. And then they convert into Islam. But usually when it's done, though, it's more so for like their love of their religion rather than their partner. I don't know how they go about making sure it's that case,
Alexis Grant 37:51
That's what I'm too afraid of
Hamsata Mazou 37:52
The couples I've seen, like everyone is like, oh, hamdulillah like, I found Islam. And like, I'm so thankful that I met you to help me like learn about the religion,
Alexis Grant 38:01
And I definitely think that's possible
Hamsata Mazou 38:02
and stuff, or whatever. But I- not a man, I don't really know how like that process goes, because I'm, can't go through it.
Alexis Grant 38:09
Because I feel like my mom lowkey, um like, Christ and my dad and his.
Hamsata Mazou 38:14
Yeah.
Alexis Grant 38:14
And I know for her, like, that's really like, she really found it. And it wasn't because of him. Yeah, but like, I'm just too scared to try that.
Hamsata Mazou 38:24
I see.
Jeanine Ikekhua 38:25
And then also, like, my person is heavily invested in his religion. Like, he's like, the same way. Like I'm diehard, like, I'm not going to date outside of my.
Alexis Grant 38:34
Okay, so you have a mutual agreement with like, you're not gonna, but it's,
Jeanine Ikekhua 38:38
it's hard because like a time limit, like how are you going to put a time limit on that?
Alexis Grant 38:41
Oh, yeah, because the emotions are there, the connections there. So it's just, you just gotta kill it.
Jeanine Ikekhua 38:45
The literally, the only missing thing is the religion, which gets me like frustrated, but I'm also like, if God wanted me to be with this person.
Alexis Grant 38:51
Yeah, it would have been the person. And what I try to think about in situations like that, I'm like, like, God is showing me like what type of person I do need.
Jeanine Ikekhua 38:59
Yeah.
Alexis Grant 39:00
Know what I mean, like, this is to show you what you-
Jeanine Ikekhua 39:01
Get me up. Get me up. Okay I got you. Stop playing.
Alexis Grant 39:08
Yeah like, you just, you're finding what you do need and what you don't need in a relationship through this person. You can figure out like, okay, like, this is what a healthy relationship looks like.
Jeanine Ikekhua 39:17
Yeah. Yeah.
Alexis Grant 39:19
And you'll be able to find a healthy relationship. And the person you're supposed to be with. My toxic trait. Um, I kind of mentioned it earlier. I won't press if there's an issue on your side. So like, if you're having problems with me, or something I'm doing and you don't let me know. I'm not gonna press it because in my head, you're acting like a child you're being pussy, I'm gonna give you a buck
Jeanine Ikekhua 39:46
Lexi calling me out. I'll sit there and be like, figure it out.
Alexis Grant 39:52
No, because like I'm gonna need you to tell me because in my head, like, that's something I'll get pretty about in my head. I'm not going to act towards you any differently, but in my head, I'm like, Okay, we got a problem. But you're not telling me. So obviously, it's not a problem enough. That's what I'm thinking.
Hamsata Mazou 40:07
Do you think that because like neither one of you guys want to address it, it'll turn No, because
Alexis Grant 40:13
it's a problem on their side. If I'm not having a problem, you're having a problem, something I'm doing, that's a you problem. And you have decided not to make it a we problem. So it's gonna stay a you problem until you make it a we problem.
Jeanine Ikekhua 40:25
Some people drop hints, some people are not going to come up out, right and be like, this is a problem, but they'll drop hints and like, expect you
Alexis Grant 40:30
Here's the thing. Like, it's not like, I'll just be like, Oh, they're not okay, I'm not gonna say anything. I'll be like, hey, is everything cool. Or like, Hey, I noticed like, you act kind of weird like, for this. But if you're like, No, everything's cool. I'm not pressing it.
Jeanine Ikekhua 40:42
Really?
Alexis Grant 40:43
No.
Jeanine Ikekhua 40:44
So what like, where does that lead? Like, somebody's just gonna,
Alexis Grant 40:46
Where does it lead? They're either just gonna have to say, or they're gonna have to get over it.
Jeanine Ikekhua 40:49
Ooh.
Alexis Grant 40:51
and that's my toxic. That's my toxic trait, like, so I need somebody who's gonna be high on communication, because I'm completely fine with communicating. Like, I can communicate, and I'm fine having the talks and stuff, like, I don't want to have them like constantly about the same thing. But like, I'm fine having those talks. But like, if it's a problem on your side that you're having with me, and I'm not having a problem. You're gonna have to come to me about it. Because you're not, if you're not making it a we problem. It's a you problem. And that sounds harsh, but like, that's, that's, I mean, that's why it's toxic. Like.
Jeanine Ikekhua 41:25
yeah, definitely toxic. You think your partner's problems should be your problems, too?
Alexis Grant 41:32
It depends what type, if it's problem they have with me or a problem they're having in general.
Jeanine Ikekhua 41:37
I'm saying like a problem, like, okay, like, for me, I'm hard to, I have a hard time communicating exactly what I want. And for you, you're not going to press. If I have a problem, and I'm dropping hints that I have a problem.
Alexis Grant 41:49
Is it an obvious hint? Or is it subtle?
Jeanine Ikekhua 41:53
It's like, Uh, hmm.
Alexis Grant 41:55
And how hard do I need it? Because if I, if you drop a hint, I'm like, Hey, Jeanine, like, what's up? And you're like, nothing
Jeanine Ikekhua 42:00
change in attitude. Like, I think there's a way you say nothing. Like if you asked me oh, what's the, Is there a problem? I'm like, nothing. Lexi. Like, that is like, yeah.
Alexis Grant 42:08
Yeah, I'll be like, Okay, what's the problem? Like, tell me
Jeanine Ikekhua 42:10
But if I'm like, Oh, nothing like, yeah, she good. At that point, no, that's not your fault.
Hamsata Mazou 42:14
Because if you tell me that, I'm not gonna even like suspect there's anything wrong,
Alexis Grant 42:17
No, but even if you have the attitude, and that's obviously a problem. Like, I'll be like, Okay, we have a problem. And what's the problem? If you like, nothing, I'm not pressing. Because in my, in my head again, you, you don't want us to fix the problem. Why don't you want us to fix the problem? If we got a problem? Let me know. If not how, I can't do anything. You're not telling me what the problem is.
Jeanine Ikekhua 42:36
I feel like that's valid to a degree,
Alexis Grant 42:38
but sometimes I'll get petty about it though
Hamsata Mazou 42:40
Like I was talking, Lexi's point to a degree, like that's why sometimes I was like, hmm, you know, but then like, when you look at it, like full scope, I'm just like.
Jeanine Ikekhua 42:48
Yeah, it's like if they're dropping subtle hints and have a hard time communicating, but like, I think also you got to know your partner's definition of like trying is.
Hamsata Mazou 42:57
yeah.
Jeanine Ikekhua 42:57
like for me subtle hint, because I know I'm bad at communication. If I dropped subtle hints, like I'm trying to communicate, but for some reason, they got me in a chokehold. Do you see what I'm saying?
Alexis Grant 43:06
See, I think that's one of those things. Like I can't compromise on though. Like, we're gonna have to be somebody who can communicate that you have a problem.
Jeanine Ikekhua 43:13
That's valid, as long as you are aware about it, and you let your partner know and they're good with it.
Alexis Grant 43:17
Yeah. Because I definitely had problems with that before with, like, different people. And I didn't, I'm not gonna press. Like, I'm just not gonna press especially. Oh, especially, Oh, my gosh, I'm not a fighter in a relationship. I don't want to argue at all. Like, I know, that's my-
Jeanine Ikekhua 43:38
Physical fight or like?
Alexis Grant 43:39
No, like, like, argument
Jeanine Ikekhua 43:40
Nobody should be physically fighting.
Alexis Grant 43:41
No no no, argumentatively, using our words, like I don't want to fight. So like, if you start coming at me crazy, or you say something like, we're done, anything like that. I'll be like, Okay, I'm not gonna fight you on it. We're done.
Jeanine Ikekhua 43:54
That's me. I'll be like, if that's what you like, that's fine.
Yeah, no cap like, even though probably like, that's crazy.
Alexis Grant 43:59
No I'll move on.
No, no, they're like, Okay, like, this is done or, like, if they're coming at me, they're having, they're heated. Like, they're trying to argue,
Hamsata Mazou 44:11
oh, if they're heated?
Alexis Grant 44:12
yeah, they're heated, they're trying to argue like, I would just be like, okay,
Hamsata Mazou 44:15
yeah. Like, when you want to, like discuss like, what you have an issue with, like, even if it's like an argument like I don't feel like. An argument for me is like, you yelling and like chaos and stuff. But it could be more of like, a calmer thing, a discussion and hearing each other's perspective and stuff..
Alexis Grant 44:31
Okay, that's different. But if you're like, even if you're trying to have a discussion, if you're coming at me heated and it's like,
Hamsata Mazou 44:37
Well yeah, I like that point. It like got to like argument
Alexis Grant 44:39
even if you're not giving me a choice. Like the ultimatum stuff. Like if you're like, if you're like, This is a problem, fix it or we're done.
Jeanine Ikekhua 44:47
We're done.
Alexis Grant 44:48
We're done. Yeah, why am I, why am I like, why am I fighting you about this? Like you should also want to be in a relationship with me. If you're ready to be done that quick. Let's be done.
Jeanine Ikekhua 44:58
Cause it was never that strong to begin with.
Alexis Grant 44:59
Apparently, and I don't care if they come back around like, I'm sorry, like you shouldn't. Like, obviously in that moment, that's how you felt. And even if you really are sorry, I can't go back and forth. I'm too tired
Jeanine Ikekhua 45:10
Me too, I shut down.
Alexis Grant 45:12
Like, part of me being low maintenance is part of me being like, just, I'm just low. Just, I don't even know how to describe it. But like, I'm not fighting you on none of that. Like it's just not happening. Yeah, what's, what's yours Hamsata?
Jeanine Ikekhua 45:26
I'm scared. Let me know what's up Hamsata.
Hamsata Mazou 45:29
Why are you scared?
Jeanine Ikekhua 45:30
Cause I feel like you're so - ugh, I can never tell what's going on with you.
Hamsata Mazou 45:34
really?
Jeanine Ikekhua 45:34
I thought you'd be up there. Like you're either up there or you're down here.
Alexis Grant 45:38
I feel like she's more like less toxic-toxic, more petty.
Hamsata Mazou 45:42
Yeah. Yeah. And I feel like weirdly enough, it's only with my mom that I have these things
Jeanine Ikekhua 45:50
Oh, moms bring out the demons in you. I don't know what it is but they be trying it.
Hamsata Mazou 45:54
Like, I don't do these things? I mean, even like the apology thing, usually. Yeah, but like the rest of these. I feel like it's really with my mom. And I feel like yeah, she brings out the worst in me, unfortunately. But, um, or even with, my aunt? I don't remember.
Alexis Grant 46:09
What's the trait though?
Hamsata Mazou 46:10
Oh, Yeah, I'll hold grudges sometimes. And like when I hold a grudge, like for me to get to that point is very hard. But when I'm there, I'm there. I'm not going to talk to you, I'm not going to say nothing to you, like, for, and I'm not that type of person. Like if you know me. I'm a usually like, flow free.
Alexis Grant 46:27
Yeah, you're very flow free.
Hamsata Mazou 46:28
Yeah. So like for me to get there. I can go forever without talking to you. And it doesn't matter.
Alexis Grant 46:33
That's how I am with angry like, If I get angry at you. It's really just Dubs.
Hamsata Mazou 46:39
And it's hard for me to get angry too, like, I can get irritated quite easily. I'll be like, Oh, blah blah
Alexis Grant 46:44
You right there with me bro. Like, I'll get irritated so fast. But if you get me to the point of angry, bruh.
Hamsata Mazou 46:49
It's over for you. Because like,
Alexis Grant 46:51
that's, that might be a toxic trait of mine. But I don't think it's toxic. Because I think I'm being so serious. If you get me to the point of anger, it is 100% your fault. 100%. Because this is how I am. I might get irritated. But if you get me to the point of anger, that means I have to believe that I had no instigation. Like, I did not cause the problem at all. Because if I think I even caused the problem a little bit, I will accept that blame and I'll be like, Okay, I'll try to work out. But if it is fully you and you get me to angry, I'm sorry. I, It's 100% the person's fault.
Jeanine Ikekhua 47:24
Really? I don't even get there.
Alexis Grant 47:26
100%
Jeanine Ikekhua 47:27
I think another toxic trait of mine is like, I'll just shut down. Like, I literally just sit down there and like, I'm just shutting down. You want to talk about it. I'm just gonna sit there, look at you like, Okay.
Hamsata Mazou 47:38
yeah, sometimes if you're like talking to me, and I already like, just don't want to listen to you. I'll just like kind of like, okay, yeah. And then like, and then like, just don't talk to you no more.
Jeanine Ikekhua 47:49
When I don't want to have a conversation with somebody. I just shut down. I start getting petty. And that makes it even worse. Which is why I hate arguing. But no, if you're screaming at your partner, get up and run because why are you screaming?
Alexis Grant 48:02
See, that's something I wouldn't do. I wouldn't walk away if somebody's screaming at me. I'm just gonna sit there and take it and I'm gonna just have a blank face.
Jeanine Ikekhua 48:07
I'm gonna do that too. And I'm gonna say stuff and be like, You done?
Alexis Grant 48:10
Yeah, yeah. I'm one of those.
Jeanine Ikekhua 48:11
That was cute, you done?
Alexis Grant 48:13
Ooh. That was cute is crazy. But I'd be like, Okay, are you good now? And then they, if they say something else, like, if they're done with that, I'd be like, Okay, so we can have this conversation later, when you're not gonna yell at me.
Jeanine Ikekhua 48:22
Yeah, you're my friend. I'll wait for all hell to break loose.
Alexis Grant 48:28
Like, I'm not gonna argue back with you. You can come back when you're ready to like, speak to me. civilized. Civilized.
Hamsata Mazou 48:37
Sometimes, though, I feel like I'm like that sometimes. But sometimes, if you like really hit a button in me, that'll like trigger me to yield back. I could potentially yell back.
Alexis Grant 48:45
If I yell back. You're done. You're done. You're done.
Hamsata Mazou 48:48
But like, for the most part, I'll just like sit there. Like, either I'll listen to you if you have like some valid claims, it's just like, the way you're presenting it is wrong. Or if I just feel like you're really just bugging, like, I'm just gonna look at you and be like, okay, like, yeah, calm down. Let's like,
Alexis Grant 49:03
Something that my friends get on me for. Because I think this is crazy. And I know it's crazy. But I just can't change how I internally feel about this. I'm very overly cocky when it comes to thinking I will never be cheated on. I truly don't think I'm kidding. You felt that? That's not just me. That's not just me.
Jeanine Ikekhua 49:24
I don't think it's,
Alexis Grant 49:26
I don't think I'm gonna be cheated on ever.
Jeanine Ikekhua 49:29
I think it's because like, you know, the type of people you give your energy to.
Alexis Grant 49:32
Exactly. And like, I'm so picky, and I don't play games like, just because for the simple fact I don't want to argue. Yeah, yeah dap me up dap me up dap me up dap me up.
Jeanine Ikekhua 49:41
She know herself.
Alexis Grant 49:42
I do, like I know myself. And, like, I think, some people might disagree, but I'm pretty good at reading people who are good for me. And I pay attention to the little signs. The second you. I don't need a red flag. I don't wait for red flags. The second that junk turns not even yellow, lime green, the second that thing is lime green, you're done in my head. We're not getting together. Like, I'm not, I'm not doing it like, any set off. It's done. And I just feel like before I'm in a relationship, if you give me something lime green, while we're in a relationship, I'll keep it and I'll be like, Okay, if I see lime green again, we're having a discussion.
Hamsata Mazou 50:24
Okay, I thought you meant like cut ties.
Alexis Grant 50:26
No, I'm not gonna break up. Like, just like that. But if we're having a discussion, and it's not fully green, I'm gonna keep having that discussion. If it never gets fully, like, we'll sit there and keep having it. If it never turns green, we might be done.
Jeanine Ikekhua 50:40
No, I don't think it's overly cocky. Like, I'm the same way.
Alexis Grant 50:44
Yeah.
Jeanine Ikekhua 50:44
And like, if you know me, you know, like, I protect my energy.
Alexis Grant 50:47
Yeah, even you talking about your birthday? Like,
Jeanine Ikekhua 50:50
Like I do not play like I. Because like, I give so much of myself to the people that I love.
Alexis Grant 50:56
Yeah.
Jeanine Ikekhua 50:56
And if you break my heart, you will break the entire parts of me and like, I'm just not having that. So I protect myself to the fullest. But I agree. Like, now, I'm not gonna say it's gonna happen. Just know that things are out of your control sometimes. And in it, things happen.
Alexis Grant 51:14
Yeah.
Jeanine Ikekhua 51:14
But I agree. I feel like I'm very, I'm pretty confident in like, I don't think, I don't think I'm gonna get cheated on. Like I just, I'm so selective. Like, you'll never know I'm in a relationship until I say something.
Alexis Grant 51:26
Yeah.
Jeanine Ikekhua 51:27
I could have been in one for eight months. And nobody knew like you just never know anything
Hamsata Mazou 51:36
Lexi was diggin. And wasn't getting anything.
Alexis Grant 51:38
No, I was looking through. Bedrock.
Jeanine Ikekhua 51:41
It really was. No, like, I can be with somebody or have eyes on somebody for a very long time. And like, nobody will know. And I've done it before. Nobody knows.
Alexis Grant 51:50
I'm not secretive about it. Like I'll let my friends know when I like somebody or like, I'll let people know I'm relationship. I'm not somebody like posting about them 24/7 or anything like that.
Hamsata Mazou 51:57
Yeah, posting. No.
Jeanine Ikekhua 51:59
Not secretive, I feel like it's like, if y'all asked me, Do you have a boyfriend? If I have one? I'm gonna give you a straight up answer.
Alexis Grant 52:05
Yeah, but you're not going to voluntarily do that.
Jeanine Ikekhua 52:07
Yeah, not gonna be like, Hey, guys, boyfriend?
Alexis Grant 52:09
No see, I really do that. For my friends.
Hamsata Mazou 52:12
Well, yeah, for my friends.
Alexis Grant 52:13
I'm gonna tell them like, after it happens, I'll be like, like, but they'll probably gonna know I was interested in this person to begin with.
Jeanine Ikekhua 52:18
Not mine. I throw hints. So like for me, I literally told my friend, I had the camera propped up.
Alexis Grant 52:23
Yeah.
Jeanine Ikekhua 52:24
And I was doing my thing. Somebody walked past gave me a kiss. And they're like. I said Yeah, you didn't know about him?Like, I'm that type of person. I'm not going to tell you but I'm a drop things. And I'm, like, I showed them the,
Alexis Grant 52:39
she said, I'm putting it down. You better pick it up.
Jeanine Ikekhua 52:42
I'm not going to tell you straight up. But I'm gonna throw hints that make it extremely obvious.
Alexis Grant 52:48
Now, I'll tell people.
Hamsata Mazou 52:49
I'll tell like my friends and like my inner circle friends. And then outside of that, the rest of y'all. I might mention it. But like, no deep details? Probably not.
Jeanine Ikekhua 53:00
I don't like people in my business.
Alexis Grant 53:01
Yeah.
Jeanine Ikekhua 53:01
I really just don't.
Alexis Grant 53:02
I don't mind.
Jeanine Ikekhua 53:03
I don't do social. I get scared.
Alexis Grant 53:05
I see. I do post a lot on social media. Anything I post I feel like it's stuff I'm already doing that's public. So I don't care. Like especially when it's like, me hanging out with friends, like that. Like if they're posting about it. People already know where I live, I don't care.
Jeanine Ikekhua 53:18
Yeah, like, I'll repost people's things for the most part, but for me to like, post it on my own. Like, unless it's like your birthday. I'm like, Oh, this is my friend. Like, I have so many pictures of me and my friends doing things that nobody's ever seen. And then when it's their birthday, I'll pick out a select few. And I usually pick three because one's for happy, one's for birthday.
Hamsata Mazou 53:37
Wait, what's the third one?
Jeanine Ikekhua 53:40
I'm done. To whoever is, like the person is, be like, I love you or I miss you. Or blah blah blah.
Alexis Grant 53:45
I feel like I post a lot of pictures of me and my friends y'all probably.
Hamsata Mazou 53:48
Yeah, you do.
Alexis Grant 53:49
But that's not all the pictures I have. Like, I still have so many more like I. Really since I've come to college, I think I've gained like 3000 photos on my camera roll.
Jeanine Ikekhua 53:57
That's insane.
Alexis Grant 53:58
That's what I'm saying
Jeanine Ikekhua 53:59
I feel like your life is a movie though. Like your life is a straight up movie.
Alexis Grant 54:04
I mean, I be doing a lot.
Jeanine Ikekhua 54:06
You do, like you're always out. You're always out. I feel like me and Hamsata. Uhh. Nah, Hamsata be out too. But I feel Hamsata...
Alexis Grant 54:15
She's more chill.
Jeanine Ikekhua 54:16
Yeah
Alexis Grant 54:18
Oh, nah, I be everywhere.
Hamsata Mazou 54:20
I go places. I don't always present that information to people either. Like,
Alexis Grant 54:26
see, I'm very open when it comes,
Hamsata Mazou 54:29
I'll maybe tell you face to face or mouth to mouth type thing like, I'll tell you then. But like for me, to like post it or whatever. Yeah, no, it's not really my interest personally like. Yeah.
When you said you were like protective with your energy, and that's part of the reason you don't feel like you'd be cheated on. I feel like for me, it's not even that because,
Jeanine Ikekhua 54:49
What is it?
Alexis Grant 54:49
I'm, I'm not that protective of my energy. I'm gonna keep it a buck. But I have a reason. It's not just because like, I want everybody to have my energy, but you didn't like, there's just been so many times I've met people very briefly or acquaintances or anything like that, who came to me about really, really serious stuff because I was so open with my energy. So that's why I do, I do it so that people feel comfortable to come to me if they need to.
Jeanine Ikekhua 55:14
Makes sense.
Alexis Grant 55:16
Yeah, because it's definitely like, it's happened a lot. And it'd be like most random people like, more like in high school, like, there'd be people I'd have classes with, like, I'd get cool with them, I'd be very open with them and stuff. And like, we'd maybe get a little below surface level, but then one day, they would just come at me with like something really, really heavy. And like, they'll just feel comfortable talking to me about it, because I was so open with like, my energy towards them. So that's why, that's why I do, I do it so that other people feel comfortable coming to me if they need somebody.
Hamsata Mazou 55:45
And I would like to, like ask something about that real quick. So like, energy and like information. Do you like categorize those things separately? So like, what is being like, open with your energy? Like, what does that consist of? With your energy?
Alexis Grant 56:01
Part of it is yes, I give a lot of my information away. But I feel like the information I give away, Yes, it's me. But it's not necessarily me letting you in my universe. I feel like me letting you in my universe is me telling you about like, my philosophies on life and stuff like that or like, yeah, so I can talk all day about how I feel about this, that the third, but until I talk to you about, like, this is how I view life. Like, you're not really in my universe, but I can still be open about like, everything else. Or like, I'll keep to myself, like, there's certain things about me that I know that like, I feel like might come across as bad on the surface level. So I need to have like a long conversation about it. Stuff like that, I'll keep to myself. And that's the part I do protect. But everything else, I keep very, very open. So a lot of it is information. But some of it is just me being very vulnerable with people I'm not close with.
Jeanine Ikekhua 56:57
See me, It's everything. I protect every single day. I appreciate that and like.
Hamsata Mazou 57:04
I have a question for you on that as well. I don't know I have questions. And do you think you protect your energy? Because like, once you expose it, it's like all out on the table type thing. So like, once you like give it to somebody just like yeah, sure.
Jeanine Ikekhua 57:18
Oh, no, yes. Yeah. Once you have me as a friend, like, you will never be lonely.
Hamsata Mazou 57:23
I noticed that, I notice that
Jeanine Ikekhua 57:25
I go to the ends of the, when I tell you I will put my life, my soul, my heart, my body on the line for my friends. Like, if you get me to that point, you will forever have me like, call me at 5am, 6am, 2am. Like, whenever you need somebody you can consistently rely on me, like I don't play. You have me. You have me forever. And like that's the reason why I have friendships that have like 10, 11, 12, 13 years, like, I have had people that have been there, I've flown out and spent 700 something dollars because I wanted to see my friends like, I go above and beyond.
Alexis Grant 57:59
I appreciate that in you a lot though. Because I don't know a lot of people who are like that.
Jeanine Ikekhua 58:03
Yeah, that's, I think that's what my brother was looking for when he was talking about that. Previous episode, go check that out.
Alexis Grant 58:09
But yeah, I really do appreciate that. It's very different. I really, really like it. And like, to this extent, I would want to be like that. But like I just, I just can't, I just can't.
Hamsata Mazou 58:20
I feel like I could be like that. But again, I feel like the friendships that I do have like before, like at least my middle school friendships. I didn't have a phone. So like when I left these people and when I came back, I feel like we kind of. Also it was middle school, I feel like starting over, as a person that like I don't feel like we could like, and for me it's very much in person, things first need to be established before I can go out to like, interconnect.
Alexis Grant 58:44
Oh, I'm not like that. Like there's people I'm close with I've never met before.
Hamsata Mazou 58:47
So then like after that, those friendships kind of like, you know, like I, they post or whatever, I'm like, oh my gosh, I miss you guys and stuff or whatever. But I feel like, like that close bond type thing, which I value in friendships, it just won't be there because they're so far away. And I can't rekindle them this, I'm like with them. Or if they took time to like, be on a call with me, but I feel like being on call with somebody. I wouldn't feel comfortable doing that until I knew them. So like, again goes back to that in person contact and re establishing that.
No I agree. I'm big on, sorry go ahead.
Oh.
Jeanine Ikekhua 59:16
You done? I'm sorry Hamsata I'm sorry I cut you off.
Hamsata Mazou 59:21
No you're fine,
Jeanine Ikekhua 59:22
but I just want my friendships our commitment to me like my best friend in the entire world who I love absolutely dearly. I haven't seen her in seven years. But like we've been friends ever. We've been best friends ever since seventh grade. And now I'm a sophomore in high school. But I haven't and I left Nigeria. Well, yeah, seven years eight years ago and I still haven't seen her. And like we're still best friends like to like, to this day that's like that's who I was texting before I got here like, I just feel like it's a commitment and all my friendships were cultivated under very extreme circumstances. Yeah, I feel like God and I love just I love me some god I'm I feel like God like he's put, He knows me and he knows how much I give to people. And I feel like because of that he always puts me in situations where I can cultivate deep friendships like to this day surprises me like how many deep friends I have, and how much and how much people reciprocate my energy.
Alexis Grant 1:00:19
See? Yeah, that's good that they do
Jeanine Ikekhua 1:00:22
They do if you don't get cut out.
Alexis Grant 1:00:23
Oh, see, I have a problem. This is like, I will say, more with friendships, then my significant other, but like, I'm really bad at reaching out first. And all my friends know that. Oh, yes. I'm horrible like, horrible.
Hamsata Mazou 1:00:42
Because, Lexi. I met you last semester. Right?
Alexis Grant 1:00:46
Yeah
So um, I don't know what I thought our like relationship was at the time, but I think it was the point that you would reach out to me. So you reached out to me. And that was like, Oh my gosh, maybe we're closer that I realize. You're like, Hey, I forget something, I don't know. But no, you were just like, we need to hang out. That's literally it was something along the lines of like, I haven't seen you in a while. We need to hang out or something like that.
Oh, yeah. 'Cuz I was like I really liked Hamsata's vibe.
Hamsata Mazou 1:01:18
Aww.
Jeanine Ikekhua 1:01:18
I love it so much
Alexis Grant 1:01:19
I will say, though, not to make not to like take away from from that. I sometimes reach out better to people I'm not close with because I want to be close with them.
Hamsata Mazou 1:01:32
Okay, okay. Yeah, that makes sense 'cuz we weren't that close
Alexis Grant 1:01:35
At that point. I think I know what you're talking about. I wouldn't have considered us friends. I would have said we're cool.
Hamsata Mazou 1:01:38
Yeah, we were cool. Yeah, for sure.
Alexis Grant 1:01:40
But we weren't friends. But I wanted to get us to the point friends, but once I get you to the point of friends, like, if I don't see you, and you're not like in my environment, I'm really really bad with reaching out, like have this friend. Shout out to Olivia. I love Olivia. Olivia knows I love her. And sometimes she'll get on me. But she knows. Like, if she doesn't contact me first. Sometimes I can go three months. More not say anything. Like,
I feel like it's what you establish.
Hamsata Mazou 1:02:05
Yeah, feel, because I have different friendships.
Alexis Grant 1:02:07
No, but my best friends are like that too. The only reason like I'm still bad at reaching out to them. Even like a lot of times, they have to call me first have to reach out to me first.
Hamsata Mazou 1:02:15
And I feel like it's still what you established with it. Like you're the closeness and the frequency of contact. I don't feel like are direct correlations.
Alexis Grant 1:02:21
It's not but for them. That's part of how like,
Hamsata Mazou 1:02:23
Oh, for them. Oh, okay
Alexis Grant 1:02:25
That's how they like, want a friendship. Like, that's part of their like, I guess their love language? I don't know. But like, that's what they want. But like, I'm just it's not because I don't want to talk to them. Like, I don't even think to contact like there's been times when I'm like, Oh my gosh, I really miss someone. And I can just text them. And the thought to even text them doesn't come in my mind.
Jeanine Ikekhua 1:02:43
Really. I have my friends on a schedule. It sounds so bad.
Alexis Grant 1:02:47
No, I want to do that. Like, I want to do that. But all my friends are so like, Ooooh.
Jeanine Ikekhua 1:02:52
To me, it don't matter. Like to me like you're like, like the like, I feel like you people say you're busy. But like you still have time to watch Netflix, you still have time to do the things that you love.
Alexis Grant 1:03:05
That's true.
Jeanine Ikekhua 1:03:06
You still have time to go take a nice little shower and spend 30 minutes in there and take [inaudible]. Like you can make time for me but you choose not to
Alexis Grant 1:03:13
Yeah.
Jeanine Ikekhua 1:03:14
I feel like
Alexis Grant 1:03:14
For sure.
Jeanine Ikekhua 1:03:15
It 100% Depends on how much you value somebody. I value my friends and I see this I value my friends enough to the point where like, I have everybody on a schedule. It's not like, Oh, I'm gonna call you at 2pm every Sunday, but it's just like, ok.
Oh, that's what I thought when she said schedule.
Hamsata Mazou 1:03:30
Lowkey me too.
Jeanine Ikekhua 1:03:33
Like
Alexis Grant 1:03:34
You make sure you contact them like once a week or something like
Jeanine Ikekhua 1:03:37
Not even once a week, just like once a month. Like I've literally trained my brain to be like, if you call one person and you check on them, you check in with them. Just call the seven other people and like just have like,
Hamsata Mazou 1:03:47
That's what I do. But with my uncles on my dad's side, my dad's side of the family, because I don't know. I don't know, my mom was just like, make sure you stay in contact with them or whatever. So for me like every month I send them all the same message. Some of them will stop at like
Alexis Grant 1:04:04
So that's just trying to keep up with relatives?
Hamsata Mazou 1:04:05
That's just me trying to, yeah
Alexis Grant 1:04:07
I don't see that as the same as like trying to keep up with friends.
Hamsata Mazou 1:04:09
But for you it was just like friendships, but I'm just saying like, I kinda had a schedule with them. Like, the other day I was like, I feel haven't talked to him in a while. The last time I messaged him, it was this month so I was like, oh, you're good.
See even like that, like I'll still call.
Yeah, I'm not that close to them to the point that I feel like oh...
Alexis Grant 1:04:23
But that's what I'm saying, I'm talking about close friends. I do this with close friends. Like my best friends. I do this with like, I just have a problem. But here's the thing, if they call me, I'll call back. If they text me, I will text them back.
Hamsata Mazou 1:04:35
You just won't initiate it.
Alexis Grant 1:04:37
Yeah, I'm just I'm really bad at initiating. But like, if, like, I feel like maybe recently I haven't been as good but I've just like, like, I'm always busy, but I've just been so busy, like school has been a lot the last three weeks, like that junk is insane.
Hamsata Mazou 1:04:53
I feel like taking into consideration that we're all like this time span in our life where it's just like, constantly changing, I mean we're like growing and like doing lots of things.
Alexis Grant 1:05:03
But it's, I don't know.
Hamsata Mazou 1:05:04
I feel like yeah, you can make time. It's just making that commitment and you guys both being on that same playing field as well. But like, also just understanding that, that time may not be as much as it was before.
Alexis Grant 1:05:15
Yeah, but that's the other thing like with the calls, it's because like, if I get on the phone with a friend, unless I have something to do, I will stay on the phone with them five, six hours.
Hamsata Mazou 1:05:23
Me too. I love staying on the phone with people that sometimes you have to hang up on me like, I won't hang up. I will, like convince myself I could do everything on the phone. Like, I like, Oh, I'm 'bout to go do this, you can stay on the phone though. Like, I'll leave you on the phone and I'll go do that thing, come back, and you'll still be there.
Alexis Grant 1:05:36
Yeah.
Hamsata Mazou 1:05:37
And I'll like, talk to you. Like, ooh quarantine, me and my friend, we were on the phone like the entire time. Like we weren't necessarily talking, we were just on the phone, like it would just be silence. And then like, "oh, I have a random thought" I'd be like, "oh, blah, blah, blah." And then that'll spark a conversation. Maybe it's long, maybe short. But then I'll go back to silence or whatever.
Alexis Grant 1:05:54
Yeah.
Hamsata Mazou 1:05:54
Yeah, I just like being on the phone with people.
Jeanine Ikekhua 1:05:56
No, me too.
Alexis Grant 1:05:58
That's all we really have to say. Yeah, I think that's it for today. You know, if y'all got any toxic traits, let us know.
Jeanine Ikekhua 1:06:05
We know y'all have 'em.
Alexis Grant 1:06:06
Yeah, actually, just let us know.
Jeanine Ikekhua 1:06:08
We know y'all have 'em
Alexis Grant 1:06:08
We know you have them.
Jeanine Ikekhua 1:06:08
And we can feature them in our next post.
We really could.
Alexis Grant 1:06:11
Oh, we'll do a little, anon... Aye, listen, we'll put out an anonymous poll on our Instagram on black dot podcast. Yeah, repeat on black dot podcast tell us your little toxic traits, we'll do a little, cute little post.
Jeanine Ikekhua 1:06:25
Tell us your dilemmas, tell us your problems. We can give you advice.
Hamsata Mazou 1:06:28
If you would like advice...
Alexis Grant 1:06:29
We can do that!
Hamsata Mazou 1:06:30
Just disclaimer, we are not registered therapists. We are not licenced
Jeanine Ikekhua 1:06:33
Yes.
Alexis Grant 1:06:35
This is just, this is just
Jeanine Ikekhua 1:06:36
Our thoughts and opinions.
Alexis Grant 1:06:38
Yeah.
Jeanine Ikekhua 1:06:38
Emphasis on thoughts and opinions.
Hamsata Mazou 1:06:41
Okay, but, if you would like our perspective on things, [inaudible]
Alexis Grant 1:06:45
Yeah. I'm doing ASMR. So, yeah guys. We'll see you.
Jeanine Ikekhua 1:06:51
Yeah, it's been fine it's been great. Yeah, we appreciate y'all. Hamsata.
Hamsata Mazou 1:06:56
Oh, hi.
Alexis Grant 1:06:58
But yeah, we'll see y'all on the next podcast episode.
Jeanine Ikekhua 1:07:03
Bye y'all.
Alexis Grant 1:07:03
Bye.
Hamsata Mazou 1:07:04
Love you, goodbye.
Jeanine Ikekhua 1:07:04
Hugs and kisses
Alexis Grant 1:07:31
Say that again for the mic, you're the what?
Jeanine Ikekhua 1:07:31
I'm the toxic.
Alexis Grant 1:07:34
Ahhh
Jeanine Ikekhua 1:07:34
It's so bad. No, you're not celebrating, because somebody, like somebody that I was with literally straight up told me and was like, "You're toxic" and I was like,
Alexis Grant 1:07:41
Oh my gosh, I'm so interested. Okay, we're gonna Okay.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai