Episode 30 - Learning From Our Younger Self, The Healing Wisdom.

Show Notes

Welcome to your weekly dose of The Psychedelic Psychologist. This week we hear from Anton who recently found psychedelics. His intention is for deep personal healing around his depression. He shares with us how coming to this work new feels, and having had two experiences what it's like going into it with a little more understanding the second time around. Just coming off the most recent experience Anton provides an important reminder of the process being a long one; moreover, he is quick to say how valuable it was to have the first one under his belt in order to be a little more prepared with what was to come. 

We are given a beautiful picture into his new frame of reference with his relationship with his children and his wife. Finding some of the key reminders of how to be a father and partner in how he remembers growing up and the relationship he had with his own father. He tells the tale of learning directly from his younger self.

Anton invites us into a wonderful lesson of how working with psychedelics can give us a new lens into partnering and parenting. 

If your looking for integration support please check out my book and reach out at the website. 

The Psychedelics Integration Handbook
Healingsoulsllc.com 

What is The Psychedelic Psychologist?

The Psychedelic Psychologist is a conversational-style podcast hosted by Dr. Ryan Westrum with clients and guests who use talk therapy to integrate Psychedelic experiences for healing and personal transformation. Tune in to hear people’s experiences, breakthroughs and stories of healing addiction, depression, and trauma through Psychedelics. Dr. Ryan Westrum gracefully and empathetically narrates real therapy sessions with people in their most vulnerable and transformational moments.

I'd like you to take a moment,
finding a peace, a calm, a sense

of centeredness within your body,
and allowing yourself to do that by

taking a breath in and an audible
breath out, finding this calibration.

And this center,

and within this moment, I want to evoke
the idea of all the people you have

connected with, taking an opportunity to
think of all the spirits, the people, and

the important allies you have in this.

Allowing their energy, allowing
their source, allowing their

connection to be in your presence,
breathing in and breathing out.

And as you find that
comfort with these allies.

Simply acknowledge all that has come
through you in this lifetime, in this

experience, and within this moment,

breathing in and breathing out,
recognizing the cast of characters

that have crossed your path.

And as you take this moment of
gratitude, of awareness, I invite

you to simply breathe in and
allow yourself to breathe out.

And as doing this slowly
coming back to your body.

Finding your center and getting
prepared for what is next.

Hi, it's Ryan.

Welcome to your weekly dose of the
Psychedelic Psychologist, where I

invite my guests to share stories
about their psychedelic experiences.

We cover a variety of topics
from overcoming addiction and

severe depression to finding
wholeness and spiritual emergence.

Today's podcast, you're going to hear
from one of my guests, Anton, who gives

a wonderful description of where they
came into psychedelics, how they find

the psychedelic movement important to
them, and most importantly, how they

intuitively work with these medicines.

Anton, it's wonderful to see you.

It's wonderful to hear you.

What's the emotion you're coming in with?

Today, what is the emotion you're coming
in with today, I think it's joy and,

calmness, sense of peace and relaxation.

And what do you owe this wonderful joy,
calmness, and peace and relaxation.

I know you and I have been working
some time together in preparation,

integration, and intention.

I think it's, a combination of,,

work, , with you, work with, myself,
discovering the unknown parts

of myself and discovering what.

Breath work can do for you.

I really appreciate that you mentioned
something that, if it's okay, we could

dig into a little bit, work with yourself.

Looking at yourself isn't easy, is it?

It's not.

It, definitely takes, a lot
of time and sometimes, I guess

takes different angles to see.

Who you are and, see parts
of yourself that you just

were, weren't noticing before.

And, get a maybe a more clear
version of vision of yourself.

I so appreciate that because the
courageous opportunity to look at

oneself isn't for the faint of heart.

Are you at all surprised with the
intentional work you're doing?

What's coming to the surface?

I am, I am surprised.

I am, also, More curious to find out
more of who that, , person that I guess

I haven't, really fully discovered
is and, uh, get to know myself more.

And, I learned different
parts of me that were.

Just hidden behind the wall.

Because it is very paradoxical when
you enter into the world of breathwork.

We uncover something that, and I really
appreciate what you said is already

within you, hidden behind the wall,
but then there's this paradoxical

desire to dive into us more, right?

There's almost this idea.

Let's keep Digg., yeah, and it's,
like I said, it takes, time and

certain effort and certain energy to
find that those parts of yourself.

And for me, it took didn't do the
first, my first, attempt of, doing

breath work experience, but, with time.

Understood more what
medicine has to offer.

And I was able to accept it,
more what it has to give, and

I was more open to accept it.

And I think that, just acknowledging that
and, given that,, full potential that,

you know, accepting it full potential,
that it has, definitely can make a.

do you think you say the first time and
then being allowed to open up into the

second time, would you say that that
first time was necessary so you got a

glimpse and an understanding of what then
you could drop or let go of as a guard,

or for lack of better terms, understand
what was going to be coming your way in?

Future experiences?

Yeah.

For the first, experience, I think I had,
just high expectations and I was hoping

for like a overnight miracle cure to wake
up and be different and feel different.

And, I had.

Deep down I had my fears.

And, a lot of it I realized too
is, could make a difference on the

person who is helping you, who is
guiding you through that process.

And the more trust you have to
that person, the more, potential.

Help.

And, I guess whatever you're looking
to get from the medicine, you can get.

Yeah, The idea of having a trusted
facilitator, friend, guide, or support

that can help you unlock or witness
your own blocks, as well as working

in collaboration with the medicine
and the breath provides so much value.

Would you say that there's been some
newfound appreciation in this latest

experience that you're integrating

yeah.

For me, my biggest , my, my
biggest, difference that, the second

experience made is, being able to
release all the, not all of it,

but a lot of the, trauma that, has.

Built up for many years
since, since I was born.

And pain.

And, that was, really a powerful
experience., and I, I couldn't, I

tried many different things going
through my depression and just.

Trusting, like I said, the, the, your
guide who you're working with and just

trusting your body and trusting the
medicine, was, just very helpful, with

my, problem that I was, working with and.

I'm still processing everything that
happened, but I can already feel better,

and the brain fog and the wall, everything
is slowly, you know, disappearing.

I really appreciate your
courage, your vulnerability.

And Anton, what I'm hearing is
a true warrior to think about.

Your childhood, the trauma and everything
going on, what is your body telling you

as you're coming out of this experience?

What is your emotional heart
sharing with you at this time?

Well, my body is grateful,
that, I, I'm learning.

The ways to, let release stress and
negative energy that's just gets

stored in my, our bodies every day.

And for me, the, easiest way and the
only way that I learned, from my,

my father was, It's by drinking, You
know, that's how you really stress.

And it was never, I've just never
been open about, sharing what's

built up and what's going on.

And it's been, just growing from
a shell to a, a big turtle shell.

And in the end that just, it's hard.

Carry that shell on you and
yeah, your body just screams

and my body just shut down.

So,, yeah, it's just easier
to breathe without that shell.

And,

I feel I.

I can hear it, I can feel it.

It's as if it's cuts the air, the
thickness, and just the gratitude

to be back inside your body and
not hiding from those experiences.

Yeah, that's, one thing you
just learn and, learn, how to.

Work with your fears.

Accept, accept them, and, just feel,
I guess learn how to feel and whatever

you're feeling, if it's pain or if it's,
joy or if it's sadness, you just, go

along with it and observe it and makes.

Makes it easier to move on to the next.

When you talked about your father, and
I know for myself, I can say that I

learned skills from my ancestors, my
grandparents, my father, my parents.

How do you reconcile the
invisible loyalty such as that

drinking or that coping skill?

What are you doing today
after this experience to go?

I can.

Appreciate their skills or their
coping skills, but I'm not going

to take on that role anymore.

How do you manage that within yourself?

Well, for me it's cutting down on
drinking, that, that was so, so obvious,

but, not as easy, I started to notice
being a father of three myself, how,

distant I was from my, my kids, and,,
speaking, seeing them, talking to them.

Playing with them, I start seeing
myself and start remembering myself

as, as a kid and how much of that
experience I missed when my dad was,

you know, drinking and not there for me.

And, I just realized that
every day, uh, I live.

I've just been missing out on those little
things, little experience with my kids

for, you know, growing and,, every day is
something different and every day is new.

And, I just learning every day to
follow that moment and acknowledge

that moment that's that's happening,
and just be present for them.

So that's the biggest thing.

Good learning.

That's fantastic.

And what a revelation.

Do you have an emotion as you're
saying that I heard a deep appreciation

to connect with your children.

What's coming up as you reflect on that?

I think a lot of unprocessed.

Things are still there that I, I'm
acknowledging and I'm, willing to

put more time and effort, to work on.

But, I just feel that I
was, you know, blind before.

And, right now it's
like I have more energy.

I have more.

Empathy.

I have more understanding how I
would've felt if I was their age and

how I can comfort them and make them
feel safe and appreciate it and love.

Before this experience, did you think
that was gonna be shown to you or you

were going to experience that deep empathy
or understanding of your childlike?

Well, I had low expectations
and the greatest way to come in.

Right?

Yeah.

That's, that's the best way to
come in if someone's, trying it for

their first time or experiencing
different, types of breath work.

yeah.

But that's, that was my approach.

The second.

Just whatever comes, I'll take it and
whatever I couldn't take, there'll be

another opportunity to, to take you, bring
up a really important point, accepting

what you're capable of taking and allowing
what feels too much or a sense of a lot

it can come in another experience or
another manifestation of integration.

Speak to me a little bit about how
that's landing for you personally.

You're sounding like you're
capable to know what you are

able to digest at this moment.

well, it, it definitely takes
time and having a person.

That, helps you guide through the
process, helps you notice your blind

spots that you haven't, noticed your whole
life sometimes is definitely helpful.

And I'm willing to take this time
and digest everything that, I was.

To take from the experience
and learn from it.

And, definitely, something that's,
I'm looking forward in our, my

personal relationship with my wife
as a lot of, work that, can be

done and, I'm looking forward.

It really expands out
like a intricate web.

So talking about your children, talking
about your relationship with your wife,

are you getting a sense that you are
embodying a different energy as well?

Just the way you're
showing up in the world?

Yeah.

I just notice that, I can't be, I can't be
there., for everything that's, you know,

going on in our busy lives, having career,
having, busy family life have been,

I just, I just learned how to slow
down and take, I guess, whatever is

I see that needs to be on the top
of the list., taking care of myself.

I guess that's what I
realized recently too.

If I have, Enough, , energy in myself that
I'd be able to share with my loved ones.

And,, being able to set, you know,
priorities, what's more important and

where you need to spend your energy, and
where you just need to, you know, let go.

And,, that's been another thing that.

Learning and implementing
in my daily life.

And this idea, Anton, about
recognizing your love for yourself

and appreciation for yourself all
the while you're doing things.

And maybe you're not there all
the time, as you said, but you're

doing it conscious, You're doing
it presently and you're doing it

with sobriety that far outweighs.

If we just passively are in existence, do
you get the sense that you remember this?

Do you remember a time where you are now?

You said earlier this was a
part of you that was within you.

What are you acknowledging
that has always been within

yourself that you're reclaiming?

, I think just looking at.

My, my kids and haven't seen
them how much joy and fun and

carefree time, they're having.

I'm noticing that's, that's that
part of me that's I, that's been

behind the wall for many years,
carry with shame, fear, and just.

Growing up in a certain environment
and, so that's, I guess the most,

One of the parts that I'm looking
to, open more and discover

more and, find it, in my.

Somewhere down deep that's, I
wasn't able to get to before

that daily practice of facing the
fears and eradicating the shame.

Have you thought about what that's going
to look like as the breathwork experience

and medicine experience subsides?

What are you going to do when fear arises?

What are you going to do?

This sadness comes back., just
learn how to accept it and be with

it and move on to the next thing.

It's remarkable to think about.

This idea that we can look at it, look
at the depression, look at the shadow,

acknowledge the depression, and know that
it's a part of our whole characteristic.

And yet, find ways as we don't
live in it, but get a chance to

remember the innocence of who we.

Can you tell me a little
bit about how, you know when

it's, again, time to breathe?

What do you acknowledge now that
you've had a couple experiences, how

will you dictate the next experience?

Well, that's a good question., I think.

I think you just, you just feel
when you're, when you're ready

for it, and, all the work that you
do, you know, kind of in between.

That's, also part of it.

And you're ready.

So the next step after you digest
everything you've received in

that first and second time.

Then I think that's when you're ready.

But there's a lot of wisdom in that,
holding it, being prudent, acknowledging

that there is a lot of work to be done.

The book ends of setting intentions,
processing to the fullest and.

I always love to hear this idea of
challenging sobriety too, because it

can be very easy to disassociate in this
stuff and just say, We're gonna lean on

the breath work, we're gonna lean on the
medicine, and that's gonna keep us going.

Tell me a little bit about how
you're walking and being gentle

with yourself after this experience.

Well, I realized that, I need
to spend more time with myself.

So I'm doing meditations every
day and spending time doing

things that I like., doing yoga,
found it very relaxing and mind.

Clearing and just things
that my body was missing.

And, the getting that energy flowing
in your body just helps you to enjoy

whatever the day brings you and,
be ready for, I guess anything.

Whatever challenges.

Good or bad things are coming up.

You sound extremely calm, you
sound extremely refreshed, and I'm

profoundly grateful to know you and
listen to your integrative path.

Thank you so much and I wish
you the most gentleness.

Thank you, Ryan.

Thank you for your help.