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The Commonality Podcast explores what it means to do our best in today’s messy beautiful world. Hosted by Pilar, a personal and professional coach, we dive into it all with a mix of honesty, humor, and heart. Whether it’s solo musings, breaking down weird astro sh*t, or listening to guest stories, this is your space to remember this life is non linear and you're not alone.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (00:00.078)
the way. So I'm just gonna get the start out of the way. Yeah, because if not, it's like, should we start? Should we not start? yeah, I hear you. That makes sense. That makes sense. Hi. Did you have a blanket too? Because I have a blanket. yeah. I'm grabbing a blanket. so I was just outside. Sorry. I'm a little tardy. no, you're fine. I feed the cats. What's that? I feed the stray cats. And it's so cold here that I have like...
I built them cardboard houses and put them underneath my porch with blankets in them. I think only one of them is using it, I was stressed. I was like, I have to do something. my God, I love you. That is hilarious. mean, it's like, it's like, you know, obviously,
helping animals in need is not a funny matter. It's very, you honorable, but it's just hilarious because it's like, I shouldn't be surprised.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (01:05.038)
I love that. I know. I love them. I don't have names for them yet, but that's coming up. That's awesome. I haven't wanted to get too attached, but obviously we're way past that. Way past that. Yeah, exactly. There's boxes, there's homes, there's food happening. How long have you been doing that for? Since August. Yeah, I'm in it. You're committed.
Yes. What happened? What is the story? Did you see cats? Did they come up to you? This is actually a very real story, really interesting story. One day, this cat just shows up on our doorstep and it turns out that the cat was a super cute little girl cat. Turns out that you could tell she was lost from a family because she was right up at the door. She was very cuddly and meowing and she was a
obviously cute girl cat, the boy cats in the neighborhood were collecting and they were also seeing that there was food on our porch. So for like a week while this cat was sleeping in like a box on our patio until I told myself it's okay to take her to animal control and see if she has a chip. Hatch just kept coming around. man. Well, they were just like.
always there, always kind of like chasing her, trying to like eat the food we had out and stuff. By talking to animal control, it turned out that she had a chip. Her family even picked her up, which was like, great. Yes. and the cats have since stayed. So, yeah, it's hilarious. There was a smoking gun and everyone just hunts.
was like, yeah, this is where it's at apparently. Yeah. there's only there's two of them now. Unfortunately, one of them died. Edwin told me last weekend that I couldn't get over it for like, like a while. Well, yeah, it's that's heartbreaking. Do know what happened or he had he got sick with someone was feeding like canned tuna outside and we think there were like worms in it. no. So he
Pilar Lyutfalieva (03:24.686)
I know. you know, but so there's at least there's at least two that are out there. I would do to have them in this house, like, on my lap right now. They wouldn't do that. wouldn't. That's so funny. You know, I have a client who is like a stray cat, stray cat like savant.
And they're just like, know how to, I mean, they're very much already cat people, but like specifically stray street cats, they like know how to talk their language and has like adopted several over his lifetime. just like they, you know, like he doesn't do like, and you can tell he's a pro because when you're a cat person, you like can't help but want like 20 cats.
But he'll have like one or two at a time. Right. You know, he'd always have like, you know, kind of like a balance going. But every cat he's ever had was like a stray cat from the street first. Yeah. And he's like, yeah. He's like, you know, he's like, I'm working on it. I'm working on one right now. he'll be building the trust. That's exactly it. That's what he talks about. He just emphasizes like trust, consistency.
And then eventually they're comfortable coming in. You still have to keep like door open, keep trust, keep consistency. And then eventually, you know, there's just kind of like a, there's a relationship. my gosh. Yeah. So you're, I am like, ready? Like I'm, I'm, I love that. I feel like that's so representative of a lot for me because I like, I'm so.
I mean, like even my cat runs away from me because I just like get in her face and I'm like, I love you so much. Can you love me back? Can you cuddle me please? That's like hard and heavy, like how I just have gone for relationships in general. And so to be with these cats and be like having to just put the food down and walk away and like actually get in the house and close the door, like that level of distance is like.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (05:46.218)
It's it's really patient. It's work. Yes. Yeah. It's like, would you consider it healing? Would you or would you just consider it work? Cause there's like, there's work that's healing for sure. But then there's like where it's hard and it's like, this is not like this is a job person. Like for me, feels healing. Okay. Because I've been learning so much about like my attachment style and
how my sort of avoidant attachment was formed. Like I'm very much in that place right now in my own work and even like in the work that I'm doing with my clients. so to see like, or like to have that one cat that showed up at the house, I kept it in a box on our patio for a week because I was like, really don't leave me. I'm like, don't leave, but don't come too close. That's so funny. Don't take away my independence.
and my ability to function. That's so interesting. Yeah. So that was like a big awakening for me. it's relevant. It could be healing if you- Conclusion is very relevant. Yeah. So it is healing for me because I'm like, I'm not getting the instant gratification from these cats. Right. But I am getting to see the-
reward of patience and consistency. What does your husband think about the whole thing? He thinks it's so funny. I mean, he loves it. He's like, I was trying to get out of the house for work and the cat just pops out looking at me. And he's like, yeah, yeah. We have to go in and get the bag and bring it outside. And I'm like, you don't have to. he's like,
You're like, you don't have to. Yeah, he's in it. And then like just now, you know, we got back from having breakfast together and the cat popped out and he was like, he's here. So he's in it now. I've fully recruited my. Fabulous, fabulous, fabulous. You have a team now. The cat people. The cat people. Isn't that what they say about cats too? They say dogs have owners.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (08:13.878)
cats have staff. That is the best. It's so true. So true. Yeah. my God. I love that. It's like grounding. It's like get out your pedestal. Here's Your staff for street cats and your own domesticated cat. Seriously, feel like cats are so fascinating and my husband was always a cat person.
In Russia, always had cats. Cats was the norm. So he loves cats. So he understands cats. But when he met my dog for the first time, he just didn't understand dog language, which is very straightforward and very much like, love you. Let me smell you. my God, I'm obsessed with you. Which he thought was amazing because he was like, she loves me. Thinking that this was like once in a million.
I heard that's not normal. doesn't happen often. Yeah. So he loves dogs, but the language is very different. With cats, even their body language towards you, with a dog, if they're facing you, that's trust. If they are interacting with you, that's trust. That's love. And then with a cat, it's the back to you.
When they have their back to you, that means that they trust you. They're like, okay, we're having a mature relationship. Yeah, it's a secure attachment here. that's why I love animals. I feel like they, not only do they really remind us of the present moment, they really call us in, even if it's feeding them.
or being like, God, I have to sustain this life. Like I have to play with it. know, and I also like, I have to, and like, or you'll bother me. or like, you know, they just, they go for it, but then they're so random and playful that it's like when anything is too serious and then like, I don't know, my cat starts meowing outside of the room while I'm like in an intense therapy session or something. And I'm just like, right. We're going to be fine.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (10:37.71)
They really call you into the hall. I love that. Yeah. They're this also physical representation of our nervous systems, these very primitive parts of ourselves. Yeah. They get freaked out and they show up. Yeah. Yeah. It's not like keeping up appearances. It's none of that. very... It's kind of like...
I mean, actually it's so funny because I've been just looking at my daughter in a different way lately. And I'm just like, you're just like a hairless animal. Like you're like, you're just a hairless like little freak of nature and you're, just an animal. You're just a hairless defenseless animal. And yeah. And that's a very much like what animals do. They like call you in, they force you to be present. They have their own.
ideas, their own commitments, and that's it. The now is the only thing that they're functioning in. Yeah, absolutely. So I love them. I love that. Well, congratulations. Thank you. I'm a cat mother of many. Proud of it. Just call me Catwoman.
Except I would be in like an all black like sweatpants. Can't rock the skin tight pleathers like that. Yeah, no, fuzzies. Fuzzies all day. Fuzzy cozies all day. 100%. I love it. Okay, so I love all that. I'm not even going to cut that out. That's amazing. So we have like specific questions that I sent you.
that I really love and they're super like deep and heavy and we just can get straight into it. And then I have other questions that I just feel like I just want to ask you because I'm curious and because you're a therapist. Yeah. And I think that you're like, Long wait. Yeah. You're like, felt the weight of those words. Yeah. And that is just so much.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (13:01.036)
that I think is to take into consideration of like what the experience of a therapist is, like the life experience and what that means, right? Taking on that mantle and how it plays into your life. So just kind of knowing that, yeah, do you wanna just jump in? Is that cool? Let's jump. Let's do it, let's jump, both feet. So how would you define?
the stage of life that you're in right now. Yeah. I would define this stage of life. It feels the words like integrating and, and settling in. Really come to mind. because it's this year has really been this shift of I've
I used, I would say at the beginning of this year, I called myself a girl. I call myself a woman now. Was that intentional? that, would you call yourself a girl consciously? Subconsciously. was calling my, like in conversations, I would just be referring to, even like in places where I had consciousness of describing myself, I was often discounting myself saying I'm a child raising a child.
Right. And now I would actually never use that language. Wow. Yeah. feel really, that's been a big thing has like shifting into really seeing myself as a person who can occupy the roles that I'm in as a wife, as a, as a stepmother, as a therapist, as a supervisor. Like I'm in these places that a long time ago I didn't, I thought we're really far away.
And they've, not only here now, but they've been here. And so I've actually been letting myself like, I want to settle into these places, integrate these all parts of myself into my identity. Like I feel I'm more consistently myself across the board, whether it's personally or professionally. That's wonderful. In my work.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (15:25.518)
you know, if it's appropriate with people that I'm with. I'm playful like this and my role as a supervisor. I'm like this with my husband, with my daughter, even with my parents. Like, it's like seeing that I can be all of these roles and that I can be consistent. I don't have to fulfill what people sort of, I don't have to be the youngest child of my family. That's huge. Yeah. That one's been big.
That's a big one. That's a big one right there. Because I'm the youngest in my family, which we've talked about. There's lot of stereotypes, but most of them are true. Everything you've heard, it's true. That's a big deal. That plays a huge part into what you're talking about.
You know, one, seeing yourself as the girl versus the woman, right? Being the youngest, right? Always being the less than, always being the, you know, in some way, shape or form, either in years or maturity or experience or whatever, always having that comparativeness. But then there's also the sort of that personality chameleoning, right? That we do when you're the youngest, it's kind of like, because you want to fit in.
And I think that that plays a big part of wanting to be accepted. So you naturally become that people pleaser. You naturally become that sort of like, who am I for mom? Who am I for dad? Who am I for my sister, my brother, right? Who am I for these people? Instead of like just having that experience of there having been no one, you know, and then being able to just kind of come into your own.
labels come into your own? What do you consider yourself instead of what other people consider you? Right, exactly. it was, you know, when you mentioned people pleasing, it's like, that's it. Like, I've heard people say that phrase for years and years and throw it around. And in a way, think I'd like historically had been able to say like, yeah, I'm a people pleaser. But when I kind of, when I started
Pilar Lyutfalieva (17:41.378)
some growth work this year and really understanding the depth of that pattern and how it's held me back.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (17:53.822)
it just, it was a big change for me. You know, was it like, that was a, like a protective like factor, like a sort of way of protecting myself growing up. and even protecting myself in social situations. And so being able to say, well, if I decide not to people, please, and come from a more self validated place, will I still be accepted? Right.
which is frightening. It's very frightening. Yeah. And there's a lot of nuance, like in, because like you said, right, people can say people pleasing. It's a very common sort of like thing. And the traumas can be common to right being the youngest child. There's a lot of common, you know, experience there, but the nuance is like where it's at.
And like you said, that diving deep, doing that work and actually being able to see those like neural pathways almost. Exactly. That decision making tree and how it's actually performing when you're making those choices. Am I going to people please or not? And like what everything that kind of comes up. Yeah. Yeah. And I completely agree.
That's where the integrating and settling in, that's why that feels like it's the season because I'm both, I think I knew that I would be able to reach these maybe milestones and that I would be able to fill these roles. And I didn't know what it would look like for me to authentically fulfill those roles. So now that I see myself successfully being, you know, I mean, I'm a human, like I make mistakes.
But I'm also like making mistakes makes me even more human. That means I can put myself out there to make the mistake in the first place. So I'm like, that's been really special to me too. It's like, I don't have to be perfect. Right. And so it's just been like, yes, are, yes, we and I are advancing in life and I'm simultaneously like, yeah, I love that. And I love how you like, yeah, I totally know that feeling when you're
Pilar Lyutfalieva (20:21.72)
finally accepting mistakes as part of the journey and it doesn't like shame you anymore. It's that feeling of like, you know, there's still be moments or events that'll that have happened that you're kind of like, cringe, you know, but you're like so much more graceful in your love for yourself. You're like, yeah, that was that was stupid. And you can kind of bring yourself back maybe a little bit easier, but there's just that.
comfort level, right, like mistakes have to happen. They're going to happen. That's like the only way that growing happens. Like that's the only way life happens. And, know, I think previously I would make a mistake and I would be like, shit, they're going to realize I was a fraud. yeah, no worries. Hold on. The toddler.
She's home, she was pukey pukey last night. Right here.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (21:28.802)
my little hairless animal. Come on, Dad. It's a big house. Just take her upstairs.
Do you ever feel like that when you're like parenting with your husband, you're just kind of like, work with me? Yes. And you're co-parenting, I know we're like going off a little bit on a tangent, but like, are you like three-way co-parenting? there like, is it okay? Yeah. So it's even more exciting. Yeah, for half the time. then Edwin communicates with, you know, her mom.
does all of that organizing, which I'm really grateful for. He never expected that to be part of my role necessarily, though we have to have lots of conversations and coordinating around plans on our end, making sure it's clear. It really helps that you're a therapist too, because you're way more intentional about how you show up in a little human's life. You're like, yeah. It's a blessing and a curse.
Right. I can tend to get into my overthinking parts and be like, God, how is this going to impact her when she gets older? I'm already creating this core limiting belief that then I'm like, girl, just shut that shit down. That's so true. So true. I do that all the time. I had to like at a certain point with my son, I was just like, when you're ready for therapy, just let me know because I can't control.
anything and I'm sorry. Right, right. Yes, I'm sorry. that's Just accept my apology, please. And if not, then that's also okay. Yeah. man. But yeah, sorry about that. So, okay. Yeah. Just getting back to where I was. I can't totally remember.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (23:32.718)
It was like I was bringing it home And then Athena brought it home first I love that I was saying something along the lines of It was our trauma we're talking about trauma we're talking about
What were we talking?
Pilar Lyutfalieva (24:06.99)
I know we were talking about like, so the settling in and the integrating. Yeah. Who I am. And it was like one of those ideas where I was like, this is gold. no. No, it'll come back. It'll come back. It'll come back. Yeah. Well, speaking of trauma, okay. Do you feel like you've healed from your trauma?
Do know what's so funny? Funny is maybe not the right word. right? We love using that word. Funny is the best word to describe anything. Yeah. You know, it's interesting because I'm reading this book right now. It's called Us by Terry Real. And he's a couples therapist. I do some, I do couples work. And he said in the book,
I'm like, 30 minutes into listening to this and I, I've had to listen to the first 30 minutes, like twice already, because it's very imputable that I'm like, really want to be like soaking this in. But he said that trauma, trauma is re-experiencing. And so in a way, when I think about what my trauma is, was, it wasn't a single incident. I think it was like, you know,
thousand small cuts over time. And the nature of that type of trauma is that I'm healed. I think I've healed.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (25:44.524)
blame that I put on myself, or some kind of responsibility I should have taken for something that I couldn't. I was a child. I didn't know what to do. and, but so when I think about if, if trauma is re-experiencing, as opposed to kind of like a thought, then it does come out. Like it comes out in.
dynamics in my marriage. You know, if I find myself getting sort of triggered by what I think my husband is saying to me, or how I'm interpreting it, I know that's my, my trauma, just like making a little appearance, you know, being like, hi, we're feeling really delicate right now. Like instead of hearing him and where he's coming from, you're seeing this through a lens of like, like her,
small Hillary. But I think just even my ability to catch that is my healing journey. Yes. Yeah. I always say that we don't necessarily heal from our trauma. We're just better at managing the triggers. Exactly. Yeah. And the way you described it is like perfect. Because I definitely, especially with relationships, I think that our intimate relationships are the ones that are going to be, I think, the most
like that have the most potential real estate in terms of finding triggers and experiencing those, those, what was it? Re-experiencing. was word? Re-experiencing. Yeah. Yeah. Or the opportunities to re-experience, right? Exactly. And so it's, I think by giving myself the chance to notice what's, what's been traumatic.
And that word itself, even meaning something so different for different people.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (27:55.862)
I feel like my body has started to feel safer, like my nervous system is starting to heal. And also with that, there probably is a term that goes with it, I'm not sure what it is, but as you find yourself safer, maybe like other memories or dreams, and start bubbling up to the surface, right? Of like, so you can, like your subconscious is like, hey, consciousness, you can handle this right now, so I'm sending it up.
And then all of sudden you're like, shit, I just remembered that time. Right. Around like this thing and I hadn't really thought about it that way. And so that's where it sort of all gives way to a healing journey. Or so like when those sort of subconscious memories come up, I'm able to sort of like work through it.
understanding of it or integrate it into my story, either in a healthier way or faster. I hesitate to say that word, but there's more understanding around it faster as opposed to this grappling. That makes sense why I had a really unhealthy relationship with food that I'm continuing to heal. Right.
someone says something and I'm like, well, what about me? That's where that comes from. Yeah. So I love that the openness of the journey, I think it can be really scary and chilly for our systems to be like, there's no end date or there's no like prescribed time. Right. But when we think of the both end, it's it.
I get that. feel for those of us and those parts of us that are like, want to know how long it's going to take. Because then it's like on the other side, that is constricting to how much you can, you know, discover for yourself and, you know, create meaning around things in a more flowing way. Yeah, I love that. I like the,
Pilar Lyutfalieva (30:21.12)
the metaphor of like the ocean and when the ocean is tumultuous and there's a lot of activity on top, things stay down low, right? And then when it's nice and peaceful, things start to come up. And when we're more at peace and we give ourselves that chance of, okay, okay.
working through and I can now finally be present, I can now finally be at ease. And then all of a sudden, yeah, that's when things feel like they have an opportunity and opening. Yes. Yeah. Absolutely. And even like noticing where it's stuck in our bodies. Yes. You know? yeah. That's a big one. It's those things that like,
remind us that we are animals. We are these hairless animals that are totally hairless apes. Walking around and it's like, our brains are so incredible in what they can do. they're still such primitive. I mean, we're still majority very primitive. it's like, I was like, I was
going to a chiropractor, like it's called NSA chiropractic work. And it's like through light touches, you get adjusted. it was really, I grew an inch. wow. Because Hillary was like, like, just like, like wanting to get into a ball. Wow. How long was the session?
I'm sorry. How long was the session? I was, I was going for like a year. Okay. Half of like consistent. Because this is like, she's literally like touching like certain points. it was a lot of the work was right here for me. So like even in session when people are like telling me certain stories or like with a couple, I'm witnessing like a certain type of moment. I start going like this.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (32:42.254)
Cause I'm like, it's all here. You can feel it. But that too, like, you know, I feel like I'm always going to be, learning how to connect my mind and body in that way. Like it's just, it's a practice where we've, where we've let these certain experiences and, beliefs kind of settle in and where they, where they're stored.
Totally, totally. There's a modality called recall therapy and it's all about how belief systems that are born out of conflict, right, or born out of trauma, how they're stored in specific parts of our body down to if it's sciatica, if you hurt your wrist, if it's glaucoma, that it's all connected to
a particular set of belief systems. And it's ultimately, you know, neurological conflict that's being deposited because your brain is like, I can't deal with those right now. So we're just going to tuck it away in storage. Distribute, distribute, distribute. Yeah. Yeah. my gosh. I know our brains are really wild. And how they do that. And like, I feel like I feel so much
gratitude for the research and focus that's been put on this over the years. I know to an extent it's so in my face because of the work that I do and what I choose to engage in. However, I do wonder for folks who aren't.
you know, involved in this realm, if they still see how much that type of research is growing because it is like, I mean, we've been walking this earth for so long. We're just starting to be able to get into this, some of this stuff that's really revolutionary for us. And it can be a lot, a lot in a lifetime, you know, to kind of
Pilar Lyutfalieva (35:02.156)
be learning all of this, like, kind of, I like to find the harmony between learning, integrating, and like living. 100%. I love that you said that because I think it is hard to, especially when your interests, passions, or profession have something to do with self-development as like a general concept, right? It's really easy to, yeah, just constantly be losing yourself.
in like what else is there and what else is being developed and what I mean just talking about the brain alone. I mean it's absolutely it's absolutely endless and yeah I used to be like articles articles articles but it just so much every single day these massive breakthroughs I'm like not done digesting like
two weeks ago, like what I learned then. When you learn something new, it's not just about, taking in the new data, the new information, the new breakthrough. It's also like, how does it now pertain to you? It's a whole like healing sequence. It starts a whole new sequence for you or it continues or it repairs, but it's like a whole, it has to take on its own life cycle.
in understanding how does that fit with me and what do I do with this information and what am I going to do moving forward with this information? Yes, absolutely. And actually, my husband said something to me once that totally changed how I thought about consuming nonfiction books, the traditional self-help books. Right. He was reading one about money.
think it was a Tony Robbins book about money. But anyway, he he was like, I'm not letting myself read the next chapter until I apply what I read. At first I was like, I was like, Yeah, good idea. And then I was like, my gosh, I was like, that's amazing. was give credit where credit's due. I was like, Thank you, sir. Like, that felt like such a relief for me to hear. It's like, I don't have to keep
Pilar Lyutfalieva (37:30.114)
chomping, like just pushing down from the. Yeah. Totally. I'm like, I can just be with what's in front of me. Like I have learned about my processing. You know, I take, I do need time to sort of let things download and settle. Yeah. Digest. So the way that I've even started reading books or like started the way that I read books now.
feels very different. It's a slower pace. I'm doing what works for me. I'm doing audio and visual at the same time at moments to just get that connection. We all learn in such different ways too. But I just remember feeling so overwhelmed by all of it. I was like, I started getting into a loop of I'm not doing life right. Right.
Yeah, you start creating a grading system. What do I know? What do I not know? What am I applying? What haven't I been applying? Yeah, so that was a lot. So I've been really grateful for that. And I quite often even reflect this to my clients. Like sometimes I like to give folks things to reflect on or even do between sessions. And there'll be times where I'm like,
and we consumed Thanksgiving dinner amounts of, insights today. So we're going to leave like, like, how do we feel about just digesting and integrating? But before that, like we see each other next and I've actually felt people have almost like an exhale. Right. I love that. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Like I could, we could have.
people working, working, working. But it's like, if we're not giving ourselves the chance to just be like, what does this mean in the scope of my life? Then this isn't going to be sustainable. No. Yeah. I love that. Can I also just say, I really appreciate you saying that because I kind of have a low key book addiction. I do too.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (39:51.154)
And session begins now. What books? What like what kinds of books? Girl, my God. If I play this game with myself, sometimes I'm like, if somebody could see what's on my bookshelf, like what could they deduce about me? that's really fun game. do like when you go to people's houses, I'm always like, right. Totally. So like, well, like just what's on my desk right now. I'll show you what's on my desk, actually.
And it will bring up kind of my something else that I wanted to say, which is like balancing fiction with nonfiction. Right? I'm like, I was always consuming nonfiction, nonfiction, nonfiction, nonfiction, and then I was going through like a ton of stuff in my life physically that was just like upheaval, upheaval, upheaval. was exhausted all the time so I couldn't even like be present to be productive to be, you know.
And I was just like consuming stories. Like I just wanted like, you know, it's like basically like Netflix or like Game of Thrones or whatever, but then like reading, like being able to do that in reading form. Yep. So even though I said that everything I'm about to show you is nonfiction. But so the first one is this one. It's Mexico's indigenous communities. yeah, it's a very, a very.
What is it? Scholarly read? probably someone on someone's like textbook required reading less. Exactly. It's not like a easy, I don't know. I was just like, I think it, you know, I don't know what it is, but I, I for sure know that, that addiction with books is definitely correlated with the desire to know. And that it's almost like retail therapy.
Like if I spend the money, I feel better. If I have the book, I have the knowledge, even though I haven't finished the book or whatever, there's still that tangibility that I can just open it up and I can just look through it I can just have that. So apparently my soul animal, my spirit animal is dragon, which is hilarious because when I was looking up what it meant,
Pilar Lyutfalieva (42:14.42)
One of them is like, they like to hoard knowledge. There's nothing more like, they're like, they probably hoard like books. And I was like, my God, that's so true. I'm such a book hoarder. This is really cool. You would probably love this one. It's called braiding sweetgrass. yeah. And it's actually indigenous wisdom, scientific knowledge and the teaching of plants.
And it's like this beautiful, I mean, let me tell you, I read the first two pages, which were like the, just the intro or whatever. And I just could not stop bawling. It was the most unexpected healing, like cataclysm that happened. Just reading, it's basically this woman who she's a horticulturalist or she's like, and she, yeah, and she.
But she's also like a scholar. She's also a professor and she, you know, so she's living in a lot of worlds, but she also was going through the process of her own rediscovering of her indigenous roots and, and things that she had learned and then going even deeper and learning more about the culture. So it's just like this beautiful integration, through storytelling and, storytelling that's like almost it's like,
you know, talking about braiding sweetgrass, talking about like that relationship, but also what does sweetgrass mean and what like where does it come from and what's the history and how was it applied and everything, but also that relationship that's created even when like daughters are braiding their mothers are braiding their daughters hair, right? It's just like this beautiful. It's just like I'm almost getting emotional right now. I've been talking about it because it's so good. So good. Must read. That's amazing. I feel like
feel like my husband would really enjoy that because his grandmother would do like, I guess, like curing. She would cure like evil eye. Yeah, like gurendera. Yes. And then his mom started doing it too. I love it. Yeah. so he really inspires me in that area too.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (44:36.396)
we've been talking, I feel like part of what you and I first were really acting about was generational trauma and like the depth of that and past life. And I'm just thinking about the, I know those are very different things, but there's just so much knowledge. They're the same things and they also very much overlap. Right, right. And so yeah, they can be spoken of in the same for sure context, but yeah.
Yeah, it's been really, yeah. I love that. Powerful. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I highly, highly recommend that. So we go from those and then we go into the last book, which is High Performance Habits. my gosh, you are so funny. It all exists in one being. But it's still here. It's a deep-raining sweet grass.
and have high performance habits. my God. Yeah, this is a multi-dimensional being right here. We all are. We're all trying to do better. I'll try to discover our roots. We're all trying to be bad biddies. Yes, all of the above. All of the above. All of the above. So this is a good segue. Like at what point, because I feel like reading is definitely kind of part of self-care, but like at what point do you feel like
you need time for yourself or you need self care and like, what do those things mean to you? So I usually know when it's, when I have either, sorry, even or either overworked myself or have not given myself the care I need, if I am sort of going back into some old familiar, some old patterns. So whether it's like,
patterns of thinking about certain things, like my self-talk's getting pretty like harmful, or I'm kind of like finding myself isolating or saying like, well, they just don't understand and getting into a little bit of victimhood. Like that's when I know I'm like, ooh, it's so like we're all normal. Like once we start doing, you know,
Pilar Lyutfalieva (46:58.062)
creating insights about ourselves and sort of like working on ourselves. We aren't sort of, we aren't immune to seeing some of those old patterns and having them come back through. And I think it's an opportunity for us to notice them and be like, what's this telling me? You know, what parts of me right now are feeling really scared or what feels like it needs to be protected? And then I will...
you know, do a little bit of schedule acrobatics, making sure like a trip. I love using the word acrobatics for things that have nothing to do with like making your schedule. I'm like, how can I adjust something if there's not time coming up for me to just slow down or like even choose to
you know, schedule my time differently the following week, whether it's space things out more or, you know, say, say to someone that I look, I can't, know I said I could make it this weekend, but I can't anymore. just seeing where I can give myself some time to regroup. Right. And being intentional. Yeah. Not just hoping for the best. You know, well can, I'll get to shower tonight. That'll be nice.
but that's a part of my basic needs. Was it with you in our last conversation where we talked about care and self-care and how some people are like, yes, we did. Yeah, I'm taking an extra long shower tonight. And it's like, no, no, no, that's care. That's regular care. Right. And it is in many ways, it's a luxury, it's a privilege.
those ways of having like, if you do have the time to do that. Because I would so many of my folks that I work with, I like to find out from them what feels like care right now, because it can be that a shower might not be able to happen, whether it's from their, you a level of depression, or just like, you know, us at home and lack of support, you have multiple children or even
Pilar Lyutfalieva (49:21.474)
you don't have any children, it just depends. Right. Absolutely. And so kind of reframing it from like hygienic care to like energetic care. I love that. So because in a way it's like, yeah, those things do make me feel good about myself. Like I totally was have my self care seasons, they are changing. So it's like last year,
I was going to get my nails done every two weeks and I loved the ladies at the nail salon. were from the same city in Colombia that my husband's from. that's cool. It was the connecting part that felt so nourishing for me. my God, yeah. I'm getting chills. I love that. Yeah. And so it's like noticing that there were totally multiple things present there. being able to go, I would go get blowouts and I'm like, I loved getting my hair done.
but it was also like the physical touch and like the time set aside and the like slow pace of not having to rush anywhere afterwards. I'm like, there were so much more than just the act of like looking a certain way. Absolutely. Like taking those pieces and been like, this energetic care like might be baking banana bread.
The house smells good. Like I am excited to eat it. My family feels taken care of simultaneously. And not that it has to be so productive either, but that works for me. Or being like, I need unstructured time. Yes. know, Saturday morning and I really admire my husband's
entrepreneurial spirit. would work every day if he could. He has lots of energy. Wow. That's great. Jealous. That is so great. And also he loves to involve me in it. I feel so grateful for that. I love that. I also do have to set the boundary sometimes. I was going to say. And also. I so much fun working on that.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (51:44.024)
Can I connect with you about that tomorrow? just need to go for a walk. Kind of like fully disconnect. Like, not above. I just binge watched, what's that show? Love is Blind? my God, girl, shut up. Season three? Yeah. Yes, bless us all. my God, so much. So stressful. I mean, in a way to be able to like,
able to watch something and like kind of watch experiences that people are having or just like watch it. Yeah. And I don't have to do anything about it. It's so nice. It is. It is. It's really good because then with that, you know, in the same light, it's I'm watching the show, I'm laughing or crying, I'm engaged and it's just like slowing down. Yeah. And it's non-committal.
Exactly. Yeah. My husband's like, I mean, he loves watching that stuff with me too, for sure. But he's like, he's like, wow, babe, like you really love Love is Blind. You really love these kind of shows. I'm like, I just think it's so fascinating to watch people and like, it's just so non-committal. It's so non-committal and they're just there.
authentically and honestly, I really commend Love is Blind producers because they're very keen on having it being an experiment and not framing it as like, hey, we want to get everybody married or like, hey, this is a marriage show or whatever. It's like, this is an experiment and we just want to see if it works. We want to see what happens. Obviously, there's certain things that they're obviously creating boundaries on, but
for the most part, you're seeing like a very real experience for these people. Yes, yes. And that's great, because it's like, for people who, for like us who love like how the brain works and in these weird situations and you're like, yeah, like what would that do? And who are these people? And does that work? And this is my prediction. And then you just get to see in the end without having to be committed or involved. It's like, yeah, it's very.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (54:09.006)
And the vulnerability level of it, you know, say you're have, I mean, not that these shows are for you to get relationship advice, but I think for just like a common person to hear someone else say, here's how I feel about my body, or here's how I what I've experienced about past relationships, like it can be this sort of common humanity thing that does really support people, which I do like, it can be stressful.
Similarly, like I do know when I have to turn it off. yeah same. why I can't watch horror movies because I'm like, I can't, I'm too stressed out. I can't, there's too much anxiety. I'll read the spoilers. I'll read what happens. Yes, yes. And then like you're, so I watched Love is Blind Brazil and Love is Blind Japan. I have not. I absolutely loved it. Yeah, it was a culture, like just getting to
I mean, I totally thought that I could speak Japanese and Portuguese after watching that because I just wish I could speak five languages. But I'm like, the dynamics are really different. They're really interesting. Like, you know, getting to see how marriage is framed in different cultures or like even people's like style of dress is like.
I'm not going to be able to get on a plane and go to Brazil or go to Japan and you know, like I could get a glimpse into, know, their, their culture around the love, from the show. So that is something I thoroughly enjoy. Queer Eye, Queer Eye has a Germany season. have a season and it's like, so wholesome. Like,
You know what's funny? Queer Eye actually goes to the extreme other end for me where it's just like I need to be so emotionally available. Really? Yes, because especially like the recent Queer Eye, they're just so heart touching and they're so heartfelt. And I'm just like, I don't have the emotional energy for this. I feel you. feel you. Yeah, because I'm a wreck. like, I'm all in. I'm just like, God.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (56:29.41)
Yeah. I totally, I totally get that, which is why like you just reminded me that I have like, I have nap movies, like a movie I have to put on or that I like to put on when I just want to like lie on the couch. And it's usually a Disney Pixar. Amen, girl. I'm so with you. People talk about how annoying it is that their kids watch the same shows all over again. I'm like, I love it. I've watched Coco maybe 30 times. Like that is nice.
Well, and now with Encanto, also, like, girl, I'm just like, I know. And you have you who has like a really you've got a lot of connection. You feel really connected to the Latino culture. So it is very wholesome. It feels really endearing. And you get to like have these stories and you get to have these experiences that you just like so resonate with on some level that you can't even understand. But you're just like, yeah, yeah.
So those are, those bring me a lot of joy too. So I don't like when I hear people say like, I shouldn't watch, you know, TV. And I'm like, that is, I disagree. You know, like it's, it's like, it's okay to need that. It's okay. Yeah. It's like, like,
it's important for us to open ourselves up to whatever kind of rest feels like it's going to serve us. I kind of notice when something's airing into the, am now initiating autopilot. I don't even hear what's going on. I can't even feel my body. We get there, that's okay. Yeah. What else are we needing that kind of lets us be more engaged so that we like, we feel the time and space.
of the rest that we're taking. Absolutely. It feels abundant, even if it's only 15 or 20 minutes. Yeah. I've been engaged in that time of whether it's consuming food in front of a quick episode of something, doing what I can. Yes. That's what I'm all about. I don't have a consistent workout routine right now because it's been really like
Pilar Lyutfalieva (58:52.622)
It's felt like that would drain me and I'm also healing my relationship with exercise. punishing myself for not working out isn't caring for myself. Saying like, well, I walked to go get a coffee. Like that felt really good. I love that. Yeah, totally. Yeah. Like you do have to figure out what self care means to you and be honest.
with that journey in a way that allows you to be vulnerable with yourself, but also vulnerable in like a positive way of like, hey, it's okay that this didn't work out or it's okay that that doesn't work for me. Or I really like this. This is my guilty pleasure. Like this makes me feel really, really good. And it's okay if I, you know, if I have the time and I can squeeze it in and I need this, like I'm just going to do it. Yeah. Yeah.
I love TV, like I love TV. And I definitely have to be mindful, you know, and you go in the, I think that that's what happens too, when you find something that you really love, you just have to learn to self-regulate. And that's just, I feel like part of adulting, part of self-awareness, part of self-discovery is just like figuring out how to not become an addict basically. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, absolutely. like when Michaela, before we moved into this house a year ago, at our previous place, we would do like no technology hour every night before bed when we were at Michaela. And so we would be, we would be chilling on the couch, like either coloring or reading or just like talking, nice slang or like straightening some things up. But cause it's like, this is possible.
we can like, let's loop our people in. We don't have to be completely alone in order to recharge. Right. I noticed that that's part of my like attachment, right? It's like, if someone tries to get in on my alone time, like they're taking away my stuff. Like, my God, you're violating my- Now it's going to be work. That you're here with me. And it's like, well, no, like, like I can, I can express what I need.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (01:01:15.078)
or express what I feel like what the purpose of this time is and have my family in on that so that we all get a little bit of something too, because we're balancing lots of dynamics in our lives. Yeah. yeah, totally. There is a lot. And I think that when you have kids, that's the ideal, right? When you have kids is that you can teach them good habits like that.
And of course it doesn't always happen, right? And sometimes it doesn't happen at all, right? Like you're just kind of stumbling through. It totally happens. But it is the desire. And I think it is part of that learning process of like what works, you know, what are we learning, especially with kids, because they're not going to be there like, okay, yeah, let's try this. Right, exactly.
Okay. Just try to focus right now. Yeah. That's not going to happen. They're either going to be into it or they're not going to be into it, but it does take time. yeah, integrating that into your own self-care, it is difficult, but it's absolutely worthwhile. Right. And like the other end of the spectrum too is like, okay, we are in the kitchen. I would like to listen to Shakira.
and also get these dishes done. And then like, and you can tell me about your day at the same time. I'll lean into the chaos because at least it's different energy than what I've been using all day. Yeah. Amen. I'm a big fan of like music in the kitchen, loud. like, just let's like, just dust the energy off of whatever's been going on or whatever's in our head or whatever. It's like make everything loud. And then it's like,
feel like a cleansing. Yep. So, sometimes when my husband's not at home, if he goes into the office and he comes home late, know, like baby's on the counter, you know, Disney's blaring and like Rafa's like watching like F1 on the iPad super loud and we're cooking or, you know, it's like, what is happening? I love.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (01:03:39.308)
I love when I walk in on my husband doing that. Like he makes empanadas on the weekend. And he's in the kitchen. I'll like come out from running errands. I'll come in the house. He's in like, he's got a full setup. The music's on, the oil's bubbling, all the empanadas are frying. And he screams, hey baby! You're like, my god. And I'm like, wow. I'm like, you are in this right now.
created your reality, like your reality, the environment that you want to be in. And I'm like, I am here for it. I'm here for it. I love that. that's awesome. I love that. Yeah. And I think routine too, like, I think there's something to be said about little like traditional routines, even like a morning routine, obviously super important if you can have one, but also like having those traditions, right? Like making it fun out of this on the weekend. Like we make pizza on Sundays.
Sunday's pizza day, right? Like we always have pizza on Sunday. And like having those little things as a couple, as a family or as an individual, like having those reoccurring things, you know, even like the nails, right? Like getting your nails done every two weeks or whatever, right? Like being able to give yourself an event that you can kind of create a routine around consistently, even if it's not every day, but you know that it's going to happen. creates.
that feeling of foundation, creates a sense of grounding for you, which I think is the whole purpose of self-care. Yeah, bring your feet back down to earth for a second. are a dynamic, like a reminder, you are a dynamic human that can recharge in various ways and drain your energy out in various ways.
knowing that we have to kind of stop and refill ourselves and create a little bit. Yeah, like control, we can create a little bit of, what's that word where you can predictability, a little bit ability in there. Not, not so much, right? I mean, we all don't have a lot of time for that at the same, you know, the same token. So being able to, yeah, notice what gives me life, what can I
Pilar Lyutfalieva (01:06:02.422)
I like the pizza on Sundays. I like doing Lebanese breakfast for everyone on Sunday mornings. husband, we do like, we do like weekends are like Columbia Lebanon Fest at the house. Love it. Yeah. It's fun. What's Lebanese breakfast consist of? So I make something called Manushi, which is, you know, kind of like pizza. okay.
get you make your dough. I make one big one. So I, you know, roll out the dough really thin. And then you spread this like sesame time. What's that called? Like spice called it's called zaatar. Okay, yeah. love zaatar. Yeah. And you you put it on top, stick it in the oven. And then I make like this. It's like almost like a mixture between sour cream and cream cheese. Okay.
whole milk yogurt with like tomatoes and mint leaves and cucumber. my God. It's so good. It's so good. So yeah, like not to do my own harm, but toot toot. So good. So that's what, yeah, that's like my favorite breakfast. And it means a lot to me to share my, my culture with, with my husband and you know, and our daughter too. She's been showing a lot of curiosity about Lebanese culture and that's been one.
I love that. That's awesome. mean, with my kids, I feel like it's definitely, you know, that's a whole experience with children and culture. And at what point do you teach them about culture actively versus passively versus, you know, there's, there's a lot of things there. And then if you're someone who perhaps didn't have a lot of that, maybe growing up.
yourself, you're also kind of rediscovering which is kind of my boat like my dad wouldn't even Say he was mexican growing up and we didn't really have a lot of connection to our family in mexico You know logistics everyone's spread out there'd be reasons but we just didn't get that as much and now in my adulthood i'm like You know really embracing and just bringing that back into the fold of my life, you know, and it's like
Pilar Lyutfalieva (01:08:25.88)
But now, okay, how do I do this with my kids? How do I make sure that they know either where they come from or just the culture itself or how do we integrate in meaningful ways? I love the food, right? It's like, yeah. What other more amazing human thing have we done than create culturally specific food?
like experiences around food. it's just it that food is love, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. So it's, it's definitely, I feel like it's such a wonderful journey to be able, it's such a privilege to be able to go on when you have knowledge and you get to figure out and you have these little humans around you that are kind of like coming into the fold as well. And it's like, you know,
Yeah, I agree. I love that. I love that. I'm going to switch out of the heavy questions. Sounds good. Even though we kind of sprinkled in a lot of fun, intentionally speaking, I'm curious, like, what do you think it's like being married to a therapist?
Pilar Lyutfalieva (01:09:51.411)
If only you could have just recorded our conversation at breakfast. my God, for real? Yeah. Well, and it wasn't explicitly like that we talked about being married to a therapist, but it was like, what you just said triggered me. I didn't necessarily say it like that, but I was definitely like- In that mode. Yeah. I was like-
I was really quiet at first when my husband had said something and I thought I made a funny joke and it wasn't funny. then he, yeah, it was a little bit of a back and forth. so with all that said, being married to a therapist.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (01:10:44.734)
I'm a fun bear.
You know, I think
That's, I, and then I feel sentimental, you know, when I think about it too, because I, I feel a lot of gratitude for the way that my husband celebrates my achievements and things that have kind of been like expected as a part of my journey are something that he really values is exceptional. And he's helped me really celebrate that, which I really like.
It's honestly, it's, we have really intentional conversations and we're able to get messy and like sort of, I have to let myself be a human. I have to let myself fight like any other person would and not put too much pressure on myself in those aspects. And so I think
because of my role, he would probably say to you that maybe she overthinks some interaction because she puts pressure on herself to have to respond to certain way.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (01:12:08.226)
think he would say that he feels really supported emotionally because of his emotional journey. and like, you know, we talk a lot about the feminine and the masculine and how like, if when I get, when I kind of withdraw or avoid that feels really masculine and it's kind of in response to him showing more feminine. having all of that awareness has really supported us as a couple.
And we've also had to like, I've maybe had to learn more how to laugh about it and be like having this knowledge and being able to share it with other people and support them in their lives. I, I'm like, I do want to practice what I preach. And then it also just makes it so real to be like, this shit's hard.
going to be the one that tell you that anything I'm saying or like, you know, it's reaching about or like, you know, sharing with you or kind of the awareness that we're creating. This is not easy stuff to integrate. Yeah. But he would be like, he would maybe tell you too, that he feels in. I feel weird saying this when I'm going to say it, because at the tip of my tongue, he feel intimidated sometimes. Maybe that is like, you know, things that I, that I don't.
Okay, I'm like, I want that to be a bridge between us as opposed to a barrier. Like, if I'm sort of doing something to manage myself in a conversation, I'm going to tell you what I'm Yeah. And so it is this journey still though, like I said to him the other day, he was calling, he called me he was
He's doing a lot of work around his personal trauma, generational trauma, he's experienced a lot of loss. And so he has some really tough days. And I had to say to him, like, I'm really scared right now to therapy this conversation. I need, I want you to know, hear you, I love you. Please like tell me how you're feeling. And, and also I'm just afraid if I start asking you questions, I'm going to turn into a therapist.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (01:14:29.954)
Right. So I have to be, I'm still kind of learning about that balance for myself. Yeah. And it's interesting. And then I'm like, well, it's okay for me to ask my husband like how it feels. Or, know, it's okay for me to ask him like, you know, how do you like, how was that impacting stuff right now? Like, I'm really sad and like, like,
What's that impacting? Like, kind of find the strength in it. Yeah. It's so interesting. I definitely have similar experiences like with my husband and, and I feel like, you know, maybe the benefit of not being like a certified therapist and having like these years of, you know, of work and
that responsibility and that process, right? I don't have that. I just know the fact that I am already naturally that way. But when you go through that sort of indoctrination through like an educational system, you start to define a personality almost around it or you self perceive it as a separate personality. When in reality you're still the same person, like you would already naturally want to.
ask those questions. Right. I totally, yes, I've always been a confidant to my friends, you know, when I was younger and I've always had this, I've been grateful about these parts of myself and my personality that have made me strong in my profession. And I appreciate that reminder too. Yeah. Yeah. I'm like getting emotional for you.
And I know that sometimes we do talk about that in our conversation as well as like that journey for you of like accepting like all parts of yourself, which is really like where we started out in this conversation in terms of like that integration, right? And just being like, yeah, like I already am who I am. Yeah, yeah. I'm laughing because I'm pretty sure you prefaced this question as like a lighter question. I know, right?
Pilar Lyutfalieva (01:16:58.382)
do like, I love how we just did that. I know. I'm like, well, and that even goes to like, that's a part of me too, is like, I can totally have lightness and laughter. I think I have kind of been witnessing in this conversation that I, I'm very much mixed up. Like I will make something funny, like deeper and I will make something deeper, like funny.
Yeah, and just mix those. But I also think of to like, kind of even talk like referring back to some of what we discussed earlier, like, I have, I think of my gas, my energetic gas tank is like, having some different compartments, because I do, I am always conscious about trying to save what I can to be present to myself and my family at the end of the day. And
and also that I'm not just witnessing all day, but that I'm also expressing. Right. That's a huge, that's huge, right? Cause we have a tendency, I think to, when you're in that responsibility of being in service to others, right? There's like that, like, okay, this is them, this is them, this is them. And then you don't realize like, there's a benefit to me.
and who I am being in this conversation and this person wants that, right? Or like, what is easier for me? What's gonna help me too in terms of enjoying my job and what it is that I do, right? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And so he, like, I'm, he's very understanding of the fact that I'm here to listen to him and he encourages me to be like, look, Hillary, after a long day, he's like,
If I'm like wanting to tell you about what I learned about and my discoveries, he's like, please tell me how your day was. I love that. Please tell me how your day was. He's like, I want you to tell me. He's like, I don't have to ask. And I was like, well, it means a lot when you ask me. And it's a Yes. And I'm like, I get that too. I do want to take up that space.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (01:19:21.832)
And so it is, it is funny. I love that. When it's been really cool, when even like my sisters or my mom's friends, like any of my husband's family, when they've learned about the work that I do, different questions coming up, you know, they're like, like it's almost like they learned something about like more about my being, not just like that's my work, but like,
or some indication from it. Right. It's been really cool getting to navigate that and being like, yes, I'm really proud of what I do. yeah. I love that. Yeah, because you're not just having a profession that was sort of a stretch for you or being a surgeon when that's so different.
perhaps from like a normal way of being or like a construction worker or a carpenter. It's like, you know, when you, when it's like, you just get to show up and a big capacity, just who you are. A lot of that's already going to be pre-existing. So for them to be able to be like, right. All those things make sense now. Right. And look at you like having a profession where you get to like show up and just
be your authentic self and apply all these things that people have already seen in you naturally. Yeah, it's very validating. It is. All of that. I love it. I love it. Okay, one more question because I'm super curious. Yes. Because I do see the different sides of your personality and I think your attachment style is so interesting because I would not have guessed it of you.
But like super random question. What kind of driver are you?
Pilar Lyutfalieva (01:21:30.84)
So you thought this whole conversation was vulnerable, but then you give me, I'm like, this is vulnerable. I don't know. really? think this is vulnerable? my God, I'm so excited. that's so funny. Cause it's like, those are like the little things. I mean, okay. What kind of driver am I? okay. I don't think I, first of all, driving in Chicago, one of our friends described it as like Mario Kart, like.
I guess I'm So there's like little me, I'm a little bit of a passive driver, but I get angry. Okay. So you're like an angry passive driver. Yeah. Okay. So you're not like outwardly aggressive or you know, you're very much like being safe, passive. I'd rather you just, but you're also like,
Visibly angry. Yeah, I'm like, go ahead bitch, get in front of me.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (01:22:38.734)
I just get real close. I It's definitely like that, but then I'm also very gracious though. I give lots of waves when someone lets me go. yeah, I'm big on that too. I'm a big traffic chatter. So if my window's down, I just chat with people. my God, that's so funny. I love that. You used to have a vote. So actually this will help round out.
me. My first car was a Volkswagen Beetle convertible and it was white. my God. I love you. I, my God. That's awesome. Was it like one of the new ones or no, was like, it was like a, a 2008 or something. my God. Yeah. So like imagine like driving around like little me driving around Chicago, blasting Reggaeton in a Beetle convertible and like,
you know, all the waves, all the bitches like just saying like, you know, love that so much. It's like, Hey, and then Michaela was was like, she was really young to when I had it. And she would just when I would pick her up from school in the car, and we would be like, dancing and singing in the car. She just loved it so much. So my colleague, our cars also symbolic your I do this all the time.
But like cars are like our little pods. Like they're like our little, we are all in our little worlds like on the road. And I could be like so happy that someone let me in, but then someone else was trying to get in the lane or something too. And they're like cursing and I just see them throwing their hands up and I'm like. I love that.
I got angry, but I'm like, you know what? I mean, I'm like, what can I do? Right, right. So have this, I think, I feel like have a healthy spectrum. Thank you. Yeah. I'm like, get like, if I'm rushing somewhere and something happens because I'm rushing, it's never worth it. Right. a hundred percent, a hundred percent. I'm a pretty safe driver, but then on those road trips, like we're road tripping to Connecticut next week for Thanksgiving.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (01:24:55.63)
I drive almost the whole way. got Edwin as my co-pilot. it's just like I got my music or an audio book on. I'm hitting 80, 85 the whole way. yeah, girl. I'm the same way. I'm like, I'll drive.
Yeah. So I do really like driving and when I get stressed out, just like, it's like a release, right? I'm like, this isn't personal, but you're a bitch. It's not personal, but you're being a really terrible human right now and I'll fight you in my mind. Yeah, exactly. Because I'm not a big fighter. You're like, namaste. Yeah, yeah. And namaste.
So that's me. That's driver. that. What kind of driver am I? Yeah. I'm a very annoying, I think, nice driver to the point where like other people will get mad for me if they're driving with me. And I'm very, I think I'm overly practical. And I'm sure I'm like, I'm absolutely overcompensating for something. Like I'm just trying to not be a terrible human being, I think.
But I'm literally like, my level of road rage will literally be like, what are doing buddy? Like, what are you doing? Like buddy, know, like I know, you know, and I look, it's funny because my husband would be like, what is this idiot doing or something? I'm like, babe. And he goes, they're being an idiot. That's so wholesome. Yeah. That's just like, it just like bothers me.
I feel like you dig deeper. It's not coming from some truly meaningful good place. It's literally overcompensating for so much. I'm definitely more of a passive driver. I get really nervous if people beep at me, but I'm very self-correcting. I'm very finding the balance constantly. But for sure, if people are being crazy,
Pilar Lyutfalieva (01:27:06.638)
I'm just going to, I'll be like, my God, what the hell? But here's the thing I have absolutely. So I used to live in Boston and yeah. So I know, I know how to like turn the switch, like the big electric panel that's like, I know how to turn it all the way on. And there was one time semi new to LA area. We're in Santa Monica.
and I picked up my son and whatever, there's like this weird kind of intersection. Everyone's really close, only a couple lanes per road. And I'm kind of stuck in the middle and there was nothing I could really do. And I did everything right that I could have done as just one of those things where there was a backup. But I wasn't technically in anybody's way. There's this Mercedes and I'm in like this ratty ass little Toyota and
There's this Mercedes who's trying to get in and I'm like, dude, like there's a ton of us like waiting to get in. He's beeping at me, beeping at me. And I'm like, is he beeping at me? Like that's crazy. I'm like two cars away from him basically. But I see him roll down his window and he's like, learn to drive, you fucking bitch. And my kid's in the back seat and I'm like, roll down my window. And I was like, fuck you, you fucking douchebag. I went off on this guy.
And then I look over like immediately to my parallel and there's this woman with her teenage daughter and they're just like, and I'm like, hi.
at the guy and he was like frightened and I was like, you shouldn't be. Don't get out. You can't take it buddy. I just put on like Boston Pilar and that's my alter ego. So that's like, that's the big reveal is that I have an alter ego named Boston Pilar. Everyone who's gone drinking with me knows Boston Pilar. My husband knows Boston Pilar and you have something happens. He's like, did we just see Boston Pilar come out a little bit? Awesome. yeah.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (01:29:13.23)
I have to know her.
you have no idea who you're fucking with. Other than that, I'm like, dude, you're just being a bad driver or like whatever. Yes, I hear you. Yeah, yeah. So so yeah, that's probably why because I'm like, it's either 10 or nothing.
So yeah. that's so funny. I love this. I feel like we learn so much about each other. I know. We're considering how much we already know.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (01:30:12.568)
more. A little more. We're just digging even deeper. I love it. I love it. Thank you so much, Hillary, for doing this. This was so fun. Do you have a website or something that people can find you at? Yeah, we do. Yeah. Okay, good. Balancepsychotherapy.com. Okay. We're going to have that in the description. Okay. Anybody wants to check you out? Yeah. Because you're lovely and I feel like-
anybody who gets to have you witness them, it's an absolute blessing. You're so... Yeah, you're awesome. I love you. You're awesome. I love you too. Aww. All right. Well, I'll talk to you later. Thank you everybody who watched, who listened. Make sure to subscribe, hit the like button, whatever it is, wherever you're watching this, listening to this. Thank you so much for joining us as always.
It is my belief that none of us are boring, that we have all messed up, that we've all done interesting things, that we are all low-key inspiring someone, and at the end of the day, that there is so much more to celebrate in our commonality than defining ourselves by our differences. So remember, you are amazing, you are awesome, you are already perfect, and you got this. We got this.
All right. Love you. I'll talk to you later. Bye everybody.