NHOMAM - Real Men Punch Bears, Hate Beets, And Never Go To Therapy - 08/12/2026

This episode of The Noon Hour of Madness and Mayhem begins with the sort of conversation that should immediately cause a responsible adult to unplug the studio equipment and escort everyone outside: what exactly makes a man a “real man”? Apparently the answer involves manscaping, donating your body hair to the cranial baldness crisis, wandering through neighborhoods at 11 p.m. while listening to aggressively angry metal, and eventually confronting the possibility that the bushes are alive and actively hunting you. Peaches explains that his late-night cardio adventure has devolved into a full-scale psychological warfare operation against himself, complete with suspiciously moving grass, noises in the darkness, hypervigilant glances over his shoulder, and Wage War blasting through his headphones while he sprints uphill toward what he assumes will be either physical fitness or cardiac arrest. The discussion then escalates, naturally, into the assertion that REAL MEN go into the wilderness alone and fistfight bears. Guns are apparently insufficiently masculine. The preferred method is simply to enter the woods, locate an enormous carnivorous mammal, and beat it to death with your bare hands like some sort of Idaho cryptid with unresolved emotional issues. 

From there, the show wanders directly into the subject of therapy after the crew starts discussing Phil Labonte of All That Remains and his reported position that therapy is for women. The resulting conversation is essentially a satirical field guide to everything men apparently SHOULD do instead of talking about their feelings: punch pillows, yell, go fishing, go hiking, hunt things, scream into the void, and bury every emotional problem approximately fourteen miles underground until the resulting pressure turns you into a human-shaped volcano. The funniest part is that everyone recognizes the obvious flaw: if men refuse to discuss their problems, they don't magically disappear. They just sit inside you until you eventually explode in the middle of the studio. The crew proceeds to mock the entire concept of emotional suppression while simultaneously demonstrating what emotional suppression sounds like when it is performed by several people who absolutely should not be trusted with a therapeutic workbook. 

Then, for reasons that cannot be explained by modern science, the conversation turns to beets. Apparently a giant pile of freshly grown beets has somehow become a threat to Viktor's dignity, taste buds, and cardiovascular system. Viktor declares that beets taste like dirt, which leads to a surprisingly detailed examination of the phenomenon of food tasting like dirt, including a comparison to cilantro. The concept of “sweet dirt” emerges, which immediately becomes a potential new genre of country music. Somewhere in the American Midwest, a man wearing a cowboy hat has presumably just named his debut album Sweet Dirt without realizing the Noon Hour of Madness and Mayhem invented the concept first. 

Then the show takes a hard left turn into the internet and discovers Drake on a dating show, which is precisely the sort of sentence that should make anyone who remembers dial-up internet quietly sit down. The crew revisits Drake's old interaction with IShowSpeed, where Drake had apparently advised the famously loud streamer to stop barking at women. Naturally, years later, the universe decided this needed to come full circle. Drake ends up on a dating show where a goth contestant tells him to bark for her—and the man actually does it. The moral of the story appears to be that if you wait long enough, every bizarre thing you say on the internet will eventually return to you as a live-action humiliation ritual. 

This naturally launches the show into the Great Goth Girl Debate of 2026, during which the crew attempts to determine the ideal female aesthetic. Goth girls receive substantial support, particularly the black clothing, dark hair, makeup, tattoos and general “rocker/goth” appearance. Meanwhile, Peaches appears to be spiritually searching for a woman who looks like she just stepped out of Little House on the Prairie after spending the morning churning butter. The phrase “Peaches Needs a Prairie Girl” emerges, and for approximately thirty seconds it sounds like the title of a reality television program that would somehow become Idaho's biggest cultural export. The discussion drifts into country girls, Amish stores, small communities, Rexburg jokes, WinCo sightings, tattoos, rocker women, emo girls, and the inexplicable assertion that Becca has the energy of someone who would enthusiastically call a White Claw “beer” while bro-ing down with a group of dudes watching a sporting event. 

Then things become substantially more concerning when Viktor's alleged dating profile enters the conversation. Apparently Viktor has created an AI-enhanced dating photo of himself that makes him look ten years younger, which is already questionable enough before the existence of his alleged AI girlfriend Tish is revealed. Tish apparently has a cigarette-soaked voice that somehow radiates through the computer despite being entirely artificial. Her vocal quality is compared to Roz from Monsters, Inc., producing the horrifying mental image of an AI girlfriend who sounds like she has been smoking behind the bowling alley since 1987. The whole thing becomes less “artificial intelligence” and more “artificial woman who has been banned from three dive bars.” 

And just when you think the episode has exhausted its supply of bizarre subjects, Blink-182 and Cypress Hill enter the building. Travis Barker reportedly discussed the one time he performed while intoxicated, which happened during a show involving Cypress Hill. The crew imagines what it must have been like to get backstage with Cypress Hill and suddenly find yourself in an escalating situation where refusing whatever is being offered might somehow feel socially impossible. The conversation expands into a Mount Rushmore of famous people associated with getting extremely baked: Cypress Hill, Snoop Dogg, Seth Rogen and Wiz Khalifa. Suddenly the central concern becomes whether you could get fired from your job because you got high with Snoop Dogg—and everyone agrees that, if you are going to destroy your career, there are probably worse stories to have at your termination meeting. 

The hypothetical then becomes even more ridiculous: Viktor attempting to host a hip-hop morning show despite being hilariously, aggressively white. The idea of him attempting to deliver hip-hop lyrics with the deadpan cadence of a local television news anchor becomes the source of considerable amusement. The crew imagines interviews with Snoop Dogg, Cypress Hill and Willie Nelson, with Justin presumably returning from an interview with Willie Nelson looking like he hasn't slept since the Reagan administration. The episode then spirals into stories about Cheech and Chong appearing at TMZ, artists whose presence seems to permanently alter the chemical composition of whatever room they enter, and a suspicious smell reportedly drifting through the radio station. 

Finally, the mystery smell reaches the studio hallway. Something around the Classy studio apparently smells suspiciously like the aftermath of a Cheech & Chong convention, and the crew begins wondering whether a new radio bit has accidentally been created involving increasingly ambitious experiments with rolling papers. The show closes with the deeply unsettling suggestion that someone may be testing exactly how much can physically fit inside one. At that point, the episode has somehow traveled from “What makes a real man?” to panic attacks, bear punching, therapy, Phil Labonte, beets, Drake barking for a goth girl, prairie women, AI girlfriends, Tinder, Blink-182, Cypress Hill, Snoop Dogg, Willie Nelson, Cheech and Chong, and a suspiciously fragrant radio studio without ever once appearing to hit the brakes. This is not a podcast episode so much as a neurological car crash that somehow got syndicated.

What is The Viktor Wilt Show?

The Viktor Wilt Show daily recap! If you miss the show weekdays from 6A-10A MST, you've come to the right place.

Speaker 1: The noon hour of madness and mayhem podcast.

Speaker 2: Welcome to the noon hour of madness and mayhem peaches.

Speaker 1: Yeah. All right. You ready to talk about being a real man? Sure. Right. I just manscaped not that long ago. Okay, Peaches. Looks like a rug. Didn't need to be my bathroom. Didn't need to know that, Peaches. That's fine. I was gonna donate it to the top of our heads.

Speaker 2: Oh, you uh some folks struggle to grow a beard. Uh you could glue it on your face. I don't need to glue it on my face. No, I said some people. Oh. You could donate it. Okay, yeah. I watched an episode of South Park the other day. Scott Tenorman must die. You ever seen that episode?

Speaker 1: No, I haven't seen much most of South Park.

Speaker 2: Okay, it's one of the like, it's gotta be one of the top three South Park episodes. And uh it involves that kind of thing. Cartman gets sold, you know, a little little pile. And he's like he's like, all right, everybody, I'm so excited.

I finally got my, you know. And they're like, Cartman, it just grows. You don't buy it. He's like, what? And you know, he goes back, tries to get his money back, and it just kind of keeps going from there. Uh it's an excellent episode. With one of the most insane endings. You should watch it. Watch Scott Tenerman Must Die, for sure. Uh, but anyway, listen.

Speaker 1: See, I don't watch much TV because I'm out there being a real man walking my friend's neighborhood. I'm gonna stop doing the 11 p.m. walks, by the way. Yeah. I'm getting utterly petrified.

All right. I was looking behind me like a like a meth head. I was looking all around. I started hearing noises. I started like I started seeing the the grass move up on the hill. It doesn't help that I'm listening to like these amp up tracks either.

Speaker 2: Well, I was there's wild animals out there, Peaches.

Speaker 1: Well, I was listening to Happy Hunting by Wage War, and I just start running up the hill again. And then I'm all nervous thinking I'm about to send my my heart into like, I don't know, cardiac arrest or whatever. So I I started having I'm on like the brink of a panic attack trying to do cardio running up a hill.

Speaker 2: Well, you know what real men do, Peaches? They just sit and drink beer. Well, that's part of it. But they go out into the woods alone in the camp alone in the thick wilderness, and they hunt bears, peaches. That's what a man is.

Speaker 1: Not with guns, but with their fists.

Speaker 2: That right, I do it with a fist. That's right.

Speaker 1: Okay, anyway, um, I remember one of the uh the local hot springs was having a bear night, so you can go out and hunt those guys if you want to.

Speaker 2: Local hot springs was having a bear night, huh? Okay. Um I I totally had somewhere I was gonna go with this conversation. And I just lost it. Okay, Peaches walking, out in the woods. Uh it's about being a real attacking, being a real man.

I mean, a real man can walk outside Peaches. Come on. Do you talk to anybody ever about things on your mind? My counselor, yeah. You you better not interview Phil Labonte anytime soon. I wasn't planning on it. I mean, I don't know what all that remains has been up to aside from going, be a man. Uh Phil Labonte says therapy's for women, Peaches.

Speaker 1: Oh, okay. So is being five foot six. However tall you are, Phil. Chantel from Classy 97. What's up, Chantel?

Speaker 2: Here you can jump on uh Mike 2, which is the one right there.

Speaker 1: We were talking about Phil Labonte of all that remains. You're your your son's a rocker, he knows who all that remains is. Yes. Um apparently he says therapy is for women.

Speaker 2: And men don't solve their problems by talking.

Speaker 3: How do men solve their problems then?

Speaker 1: We don't. And that's the problem, isn't it?

Speaker 2: We just sit there and we let it fester

Speaker 3: inside us until one day you snap. Yeah. And you just break stuff.

Speaker 2: That's how you be a real man. Yeah. I wanted to know what he said to do, but they they didn't link to um further comments because I don't know what his suggestion is. You know, go out hunting. You shoot stuff, shoot stuff.

Speaker 1: You write crappy songs about it, like all that remains does.

Speaker 2: Oh yeah, punch things. Yeah. Um seems like the type of dude that would. Yell.

Speaker 3: These are all great suggestions. Punch your pillow.

Speaker 2: Yeah. Just you know, let that anger out, and then you know, don't cry either.

Speaker 1: Do you ever catch Josh punching his pillow at home? No. Becca's caught Victor a few times.

Speaker 2: No, I'm a real man. I uh scream and yell and hold it all. Oh, wait, that's not holding it all in. I don't know.

Speaker 3: Screaming and yelling is not holding it all in. all in. You take it out on the cats, don't you?

Speaker 2: But I certainly don't talk to anybody about my problem. Don't ever.

Speaker 3: No, I want to keep those feelings deep buried.

Speaker 2: Oh, yeah, one of these days. I'm gonna walk through that front door in here and just lose it.

Speaker 1: I got my counseling appointment today. I might just start punching the pillows in there.

Speaker 2: You you should. You should talk to your uh This is safe space. Yeah, you should talk to your counselor about how you know you don't know what to do because you read online that Phil Labonte says that uh therapies for women.

Speaker 3: At least he said, did he say women or did he say girls? He said women. Okay, well, props to that at least. He's killing me. He's calling us women and not girls.

Speaker 2: Yeah, I thought he'd use uh another word. Yeah, I could think of a few different words. Chicks therapies for chicks. I hate that word.

Speaker 1: You know, like chicks. No, I hate that. It sounds so gross.

Speaker 2: Chicks, man.

Speaker 3: Where the chicks at the end of the day. Yeah, chicks go to therapy.

Speaker 2: not dudes. Only the babes go to therapy. man.

Speaker 3: Sounds like Sounds like a smart dude. Well, uh I love him. I'm gonna start listening to their stuff. He sounds cool.

Speaker 2: You should. And uh, you should encourage Josh to, you know, quit boo-hooing and be a man.

Speaker 3: Tough it up, buttercup.

Speaker 2: Yeah, why don't you go go hike, go fish? Josh and Chantel should sit there and think about your problems and don't talk to anyone about them while you fish.

Speaker 1: They did just grow a whole bunch of beats for you, Victor, if you wanted to try one. Peach! We have beats are disgusting.

Speaker 2: Why would you grow?

Speaker 3: Keep your feelings inside.

Speaker 2: Only maniacs like beats. I like beaches. Eat a beat, beat man.

Speaker 3: Oh good for your heart. How's your old ticker? It's okay. You could probably use with a beat or two.

Speaker 2: I could use maybe a beating. Beets are awful. They taste like dirt. They taste like you tried pickled. Yes. That tastes like sweet dirt. All right.

Speaker 3: We're gonna make some. I'll have you try some.

Speaker 2: I Googled this and it's kind of like cilantro. To some people, beets taste like dirt. And I'm one of those people. I like cilantro. I'm totally cool with it. But uh beets, it's like I picked up a pile of mud and was like, oh that's

Speaker 1: my favorite subgenre of country music, sweet dirt. Sweet dirt. Yee-haw!

Speaker 2: Yo, Peaches, what's happening, fool?

Speaker 1: Um Drake was on a dating show. Drake the rapper.

Speaker 2: Okay, I've seen some posts about this.

Speaker 1: Uh he was making fun of I Show Speed years ago. A lot of our older listeners are gonna love this break because they have no idea who these people are. Yeah, what's I show speed? I show speed is one of the biggest streamers in the world.

Okay. He's right up there with Kai Sinat. Um he goes around places and he's a he's a kind dude. He's also very loud and obnoxious in some sometimes, and uh, well, he seems also I don't know, he seems fun.

Speaker 2: Yeah, um, I've seen this guy around. I don't know if I've watched many of his videos, but I've seen him.

Speaker 1: But he'll bark at people sometimes, and Drake or I Show Speed says, Drake, what dating advice do you have for me? And Drake says, Stop barking at women right at the very beginning, or something like that.

Speaker 2: Okay, so fast forward to turn up at a woman, right?

Speaker 1: So fast forward to now. Drake was on this dating show. Lena the plug, who is Adam 22's, I don't know, ex-wife, or say again, a lot of these people are not gonna know who these people are listening to us right now. Lena the plug. Don't don't don't no, Victor, you don't.

Speaker 2: Oh, okay. I see I see what she does. Okay, yeah. So anyway.

Speaker 1: So she was on the dating show and she throws her wedding ring away to hug Drake and you know, try to go on a date with him and everything. Uh-huh.

Then this goth girl, another contestant comes up, and they're having this like date on the dating show, whatever, and she goes, bark for me, and Drake starts barking. Yes. And she's whipping him. And apparently there's a goth girl resurgence.

Speaker 2: Well, I know that uh goth girls. I see people talking about them a lot online. I I think I saw a meme yesterday where it was like spotting a goth girl in the wild, and the dude's mind's all blown, like they just don't exist. Dudes, goth girls are not hard to find. Go to a goth show.

Speaker 1: But Adam Levine told me that metal girls who listen to metal are not hot.

Speaker 2: Yeah, um, because he's never been to a metal show. And also he's a uh conceited D-bag. Yeah. Uh metal chicks are the hottest chicks. Great. No, I have to disagree with you.

Okay, so Jade's rules. Okay, so you like the the country girls with the daisy dukes. I don't like anybody. Is that the opposite of a goth girl? What's the opposite of a goth girl? Uh a very um uh what is like all light color.

Speaker 1: Little house in the prairie wearing dress wearing uh I I look like I churn butter.

Speaker 2: Yeah, something like that. So that's that's Peaches type of lady. There's communities around here, Peaches.

Speaker 1: Uh let me go to the let me go to Salmon and go to the Amish store.

Speaker 2: Yeah, if you head out to the smaller communities outside of Rexburg, you might be able to find a girl that dresses that way. You guys are all related, huh? Yeah, yeah. Show up on the Saturdays at Winco. Um, you might be able to find a girl that dresses in that. I'm not looking for anybody-fashioned manner that you're looking for. Peaches needs a prairie girl.

Speaker 1: That's a funny series. Peaches needs a prairie girl.

Speaker 2: It's the noon hour of madness and mayhem. We were talking about how Preach preaches. Peaches needs a prairie girl.

Speaker 1: No, we're not doing this. We're not doing this. Okay.

Speaker 2: Well, let's realistically talk about uh, you know what you think. Because people are raving about the goth girls. You know, what's your ideal look, Peaches? You know, appearance-wise. Like me, I would say the goth look is a great look. I like a girl that wears uh all black clothes. I like dark hair.

Oh, I know your history. I like makeup. Yeah, so you know, like Becca's not goth. She's got the more rocker chick look, but she used to be an emo, which is kind of like colorful goth. It was like the next, you know, the next stage of goth or something.

Speaker 1: You ever seen that family guy scene where Meg's at the bar and she's like, I call beer water? That's what Becca reminds me of. Becca reminds me of the type that's like, you know, hey, dude, what's happening? Good game, bro.

Speaker 2: There's a fist. She is kind of that way. Yeah. She caught she calls white claw beer. Whatever, man. Um, but yeah, tattoos, you know. I think uh lots of tattoos are really good. Uh and then yeah, could maybe a combination between the rocker goth look.

I think that's the best look, you know. Again, Adam Levine, idiot. Yeah, he's a moron. Uh, what are you where are you at with ladies with tattoos, Peaches? No, no, no. No tattoos. Man, so weird. I think tattoos are so hot. Just letting you know back. You know, I'm not like checking out all the ladies' tattoos. Settle down.

Speaker 1: Uh settle down a little bit. You should see Victor's uh dating profile.

Speaker 2: He has dating profile.

Speaker 1: He's he's on Tinder.

Speaker 2: I made nice AI generated photo of myself, look 10 years younger.

Speaker 1: Becca, I I did see Victor uh maniacally laughing in his office, uh getting ready to uh launch his AI girlfriend uh Tish. Tish is her name. She reeks of cigarettes. Somehow it leaks through the computer.

Speaker 2: I don't like an uh a dirty girl.

Speaker 1: Yeah, she sounds like that too, you know.

Speaker 2: That's Tish's voice.

Speaker 1: It's like Roz from Monsters Inc.

Speaker 2: Yeah, that's my AI girlfriend.

Speaker 1: That's every every woman who listens to us that hates sleep token. I just imagine that.

Speaker 2: This is the noon hour of madness and mayhem. Did you see this story going around about blink 182 in Cypress Hill? No. Okay, so uh Travis Barker was interviewed, and somebody asked him, like, had he ever been intoxicated when you performed live. And he said, only one time, which for a band that's probably pretty good. Um, and it was when they were doing a show with Cypress Hill.

So I would imagine it's a similar situation to if you're gonna do a show with Snoop Dogg. You're all hanging out backstage, and I guess Cypress Hill got them so loaded. Like, was it the whole band or just two of them? It was Travis Barker and uh Tom DeLong. And I guess Cypress Hill, they had some strong stuff, Peaches.

Speaker 1: I could imagine they're on the Mount Rushmore of that type of activity. Yes, with Seth Rogan, Wiz Khalifa, and Snoop Dogg.

Speaker 2: Yes. So they come out to do the show, and they're like, This is the worst experience of my life, and they just wanted to run away and leave. But they uh they toughed it out.

They toughed it out. So he said, Yeah, it was like torture, learned my lesson, never did that again. I would imagine it's one of those situations where you kind of feel like you have to or something.

Imagine for some reason you get asked backstage with Snoop Dogg, and he's like, That's one of my biggest fears. Here you go. Yeah. And you're like, I don't want to look like a wuss, you know, but I don't want to get drug tested and fired, but I'm here with Snoop Dogg.

Speaker 1: You got fired because you smoked something with Snoop Dogg. Yeah. Like that's a way to go out. That's the manliest way to get fired.

Speaker 2: That's probably the best way to get fired in radio.

Speaker 1: Because you know for a fact a hip hop station's ready to get you in the mornings. Yeah, yeah. DJ W. And then you then you become DJ X and you live long enough to see yourself become the villain. Oh. I I would love to hear your attempt at a hip-hop morning show.

Speaker 2: I don't know what I would just do the same kind of show. We're finna do this, all right.

Speaker 1: No, no, I can't say that. See, I I could not. I'm I'm so white that it's hilarious. It was hilarious to my teammates back when I played basketball to read those lyrics out loud. Because I would read them deadpan. Oh no. Uh well It's like a news reporter.

Speaker 2: I'm gonna work on lining you up an interview with one of those artists, Peaches. With Snoop Dogg, Cypress Hill.

Speaker 1: Willie Nelson. Willie.

Speaker 2: Yeah, Same thing there. What are you gonna do? Tell Willie no.

Speaker 1: Imagine Justin interviews Willie Nelson. And you just see Justin's eyes are all this red.

Speaker 2: Yeah.

Speaker 1: He's like, I didn't sleep, okay?

Speaker 2: We know you interviewed Willie Nelson last night, and we heard all the You

Speaker 1: know who uh who know you know who showed up to TMZ one time was uh Cheech and Sean.

Speaker 2: Oh gee. I bet that smelled good.

Speaker 1: Oh yeah. Because I was like, Who are these two old guys? And Matt was like, dude, that's you know, Cheech and Sean, of course. And then the the the room, the the the smoke perp, by the way. That rapper had the whole room smelling horrible.

Speaker 2: Um I've had an artist in the studio here that both of us is have interviewed. And thankfully I interviewed these two dudes on the weekend. I guess we're great. I don't think they'd even care if I said who they were, but I'm not gonna. But they came in this studio, man, and I was like, holy crap, I hope that none of the bosses for some reason show up this weekend, because it reeks.

Speaker 1: I did walk down the hallway this morning. This morning from the Z studio to the classy side. I don't know what they're doing over there in the classy studio, but Justin had the door open. He was talking to both Josh and Chantel, and it smelt like that. What? It it smelt just like that. And that better not be a new bit they're doing.

Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, I came up with a new bit earlier that Jade said no to. Why would he let that bit go?

Speaker 1: Yeah, will it roll? That's that's the that's the thing. They see what they can fit inside the rolling paper. You're getting out of control over there.

Speaker 4: The noon hour of Madness M AM is a production of River Band Media Group. For more information or to contact the show, visit Riverband Media Group.com.