Subscribe
Share
Share
Embed
What if you could get more of what you want in life? But not through pushing, forcing, or pressure.
You can.
When it comes to money, time, and energy, no one’s gonna turn away more.
And Kate Northrup, Bestselling Author of Money: A Love Story and Do Less and host of Plenty, is here to help you expand your capacity to receive all of the best.
As a Money Empowerment OG who’s been at it for nearly 2 decades, Kate’s the abundance-oriented best friend you may not even know you’ve always needed.
Pull up a chair every week with top thought leaders, luminaries, and adventurers to learn how to have more abundance with ease.
When it comes to Christmas magic, for us, less stuff has meant more magic because the kids can play with what they receive. They can be fully present to what they receive. They're not overwhelmed, and they're actually able to receive fully what they have as opposed to just piling on more and more and more. When we pile on more and more and more, whether it comes to food or stuff, we get overloaded and we actually numb out, and it makes us it's, like, deeply uncomfortable. It can actually be painful.
Kate Northrup:Welcome to Plenty. I'm your host, Kate Northrup, and together, we are going on a journey to help you have an incredible relationship with money, time, and energy, and to have abundance on every possible level. Every week, we're gonna dive in with experts and insights to help you unlock a life of plenty. Let's go fill our cups.
[voiceover]:Please note that the opinions and perspectives of the guests on the Plenty podcast are not necessarily reflective of the opinions and perspectives of Kate Northrup or anyone who works within the Kate Northrop brand.
Kate Northrup:Okay. So the holidays are swiftly upon us, and while this time of year can be such a sweet precious time with family and friends, it can also be an extraordinarily stressful time. It is a time of peak levels of depression and anxiety and feelings of loneliness and exhaustion and overwhelm. And, my friend, it does not have to be that way, and so I'm gonna share with you some ideas I have for creating a do less, have more holiday so that you can have more joy and less stress and come into the new year actually feeling renewed and rested as opposed to strung out and overspent. So one thing that I wanna start off with is just really taking a look at expectations around the holidays.
Kate Northrup:I think so often because of Hallmark movies and the commercialization of the holidays, we can have these false ideas of what the holiday, quote, unquote, should be, and we elevate it to this idea of perfect family gatherings that, quite frankly, no one ever has. You know, everyone's got, like, a weird uncle getting drunk and, you know, another cousin saying inappropriate political things and parents saying hurtful comments or being misattuned or whatever. Like, none of us has got the perfect family. Some of us aren't celebrating holidays with our families for a variety of reasons. So just know that the holiday you are having is the perfect holiday for you this year.
Kate Northrup:So many times we set ourselves up for failure because we have this longing and this craving for connection that is not actually available with the people we're spending the holidays with. And I just wanna call that out up front so that we can mitigate our expectations and learn to fill our need for connection from the inside. Because if we're looking outside, especially looking outside us at the people who historically have not been able to provide that sense of connection, we will be disappointed. And it's like going to the hardware store and trying to buy milk there. They don't sell milk at the hardware store, so just stop going to the people who can't provide what it is you're craving for what it is you're craving and find other sources.
Kate Northrup:Now that being said, let's start out with asking yourself the question, what makes the holidays special and meaningful for me? Now for everyone, it's gonna be really different. Like, I have friends who go to the same place every year, and they do the same traditions with the same people, and that's what makes the holiday meaningful for them. That's not me. We don't do the same thing every year.
Kate Northrup:We don't we often don't see our families at the holidays. We live far away. It's just a lot of travel at, like, the most expensive day travel days of the year. It's a lot of hubbub. It's busy airports.
Kate Northrup:I just don't wanna do it. And so what makes the holiday special for me is gonna be different than what makes them special for you. But if you get clear like, jot it down right now. What makes the holiday special for me? What am I craving this year?
Kate Northrup:Think back to some of your most memorable holidays from the past. What were the elements that made them the most memorable, the most satisfying, the most fulfilling. Write those things down. Was it the delicious food? Was it the company?
Kate Northrup:Was it being, you know, just with a few people somewhere remote where you were able to unplug? Was it creating beauty and magic? What actually really does it for you? When you get clear on what really does it for you, you can double down on that and pretty much ignore the rest. Because synonymous with holidays is often obligation, and we get into this unconscious cycle of doing the same things every year just because we've always done them because out of for the sake of tradition, and sometimes those are things that cause us stress.
Kate Northrup:Like, let's say your mother always made this incredible meal for 20, you know, 20 extended family members every Christmas, and possibly she's passed away. And as the oldest daughter, now you feel like it is your job to keep that tradition alive because everyone expects the same sweet potato casserole, and everyone expects the same, you know, mulled wine and turkey recipe and whatever that your mother always made, and you feel like you're gonna be disappointing everyone if you don't do it because you're trying to keep the memory alive of your mother through this meal, and you're trying to keep everybody else happy. But, ultimately, it stresses you out for days. You get exhausted. Your lower back hurts from being in the kitchen all day, and then you don't actually even get to enjoy the meal.
Kate Northrup:Right? That's a completely hypothetical situation that I just made up, but I know that other people have things like that going on that are gonna be, you know, completely varied for your traditions, your, you know, your holidays, all of that stuff. But just ask yourself, who am I trying to please? Who am I trying to please, and what am I doing this for? Who am I doing this for?
Kate Northrup:What am I doing this for? I know for me, I have gotten myself into a spin previously with holidays because I have this idea of how I want it to look. I have this idea of, like, what I think a mother should be providing in terms of a holiday spread or holiday magic, and then, historically, I would make the mistake of not telling anybody about this vision I had, specifically my husband, and then getting really stressed out doing it all myself and and then kind of, like, asking him for help when it was way too late when he had no idea what I was trying to do in the 1st place and actually could have helped me out days before. So I I wanna come back to so asking yourself what really matters to you, what really is gonna make this holiday meaningful is important, and then go all in on that so you can eliminate the stuff that you do just because you've done it every year or because someone else is expecting you to do it that stresses you out. Ultimately, headline here, don't do the shit you don't wanna do because I promise you no one wants a cranky ass holiday magic creator.
Kate Northrup:It's not magical. It's it's the person doing all the things is being a martyr about it and is being cranky about it. That's not magic. That's not holiday magic. And so I love to come back to really asking for support on the things that matter, and I have a little guideline for asking for support, which is that we wanna ask early, often, and kindly.
Kate Northrup:Why? Because when we ask early so let's say you have a holiday event coming up in 2 weeks, This is a great time to text everyone and be like, hey. We've got this holiday coming up. Barb, can you bring the salad? Dave, can you bring the wine?
Kate Northrup:Sally, can you bring the string beans? And just let everyone know they have a job. Everyone's contributing. When you ask early, you make it really easy for people to please you and to deliver and contribute and share the load. Then when you ask often, you become in the habit you get in the habit of asking for support.
Kate Northrup:So it actually creates a new neural pathway for you that getting support is just a natural part of life. Getting support is like breathing. Asking for help is like breathing. It's just something that healthy humans do. So ask early, ask often, and ask kindly.
Kate Northrup:When you have asked early, it makes it much easier to ask kindly. If I'm hosting a birthday party for my daughter, and I have told my husband 5 days in advance my vision and all the things that I need him to contribute, I can just tell him that in a very kind, gentle way versus if it's 5 minutes into the party and I forgot to ask for help because I had some diluted idea that I should be able to do it all myself, and then I'm a cranky pants, and I'm not that helpable. And then I'm, like, asking him as though he's already disappointed me. I'm just, you know, obviously not talking from real life experience. So go all in on the things that matter, ask for support early, often, and kindly, and then really look at this is kinda related to go all in on the things that matter, but look at the 80 20.
Kate Northrup:Right? So only 20% of the things you do are gonna get you 80% of the results. So let's say the result you want is a feeling of connectedness with the people you love at the holidays. Okay. Great.
Kate Northrup:What are all the things list out all the things you could do for the holiday. Could make all the, you know, all these different dishes. I could do these table settings. I could do this perfect invitation. I could clean my house.
Kate Northrup:I could, you know, do individualized, who's the best whatever whatever. Right? I could get everyone a perfect gift. I could do all these things. Right?
Kate Northrup:So if you look at that list, then really identify, okay, but I've been on this planet long enough to know which one of these things historically has actually gotten the result of a feeling of true connection with the people I love. So look at the list and just circle 1 or 2 things that actually bring you that feeling of meaningful connection, and then just do those things and eliminate the rest. And if the rest has to do with food, just get catering, get Chinese takeout, do a potluck. Like, it doesn't matter. Or if food is the thing that actually makes you feel connected, wonderful.
Kate Northrup:Maybe you dial it back on the gifts. One thing that my mom and my sister and I did after my parents got divorced and we were in college, it was so refreshing, we stopped giving gifts to each other at Christmas. It was so great. So on Christmas morning, we just, like, went for a walk and enjoyed each other's company, and we did this cute thing for many years where we would write down favorite moments from the year, and we would put them in each other's stockings. And then on Christmas morning, we would open and read aloud the favorite moments from the year with each other, and that felt so good.
Kate Northrup:And then I would make a Christmas slideshow from moments that everyone had emailed me of their favorite photos from the year, and I would put music to it, and then we would watch the slideshow. So that holiday became about a feeling of reflecting on our favorite moments of the year instead of a whole bunch of commercial stuff that none of us needed, spending a bunch of money we didn't wanna spend, spending all this time trying to find the right thing, inevitably overdoing it. And so that was just a great hard stop on all of that behavior, and it feels so good. And we don't do the holidays together as much anymore, but I we don't do gifts for each other anymore, and it honestly like, having that eliminated stress is great. I know growing up, we my parents both come from families of 5.
Kate Northrup:So it's, like, a lot of uncles, a lot of cousins. So what we did for a while was instead of get them getting presents for every single one of the families of their brothers and sisters, what they would do is they would pull a family from the hat. So each year, they would only have one family that they were getting presents for, and that also really simplified things. So I know, my friend Melissa Urban, she's the founder of the Whole30. She just doesn't do gifts, and she has a young child.
Kate Northrup:She has a young son. She doesn't do gifts. Every year, she talks about the no gifting holiday if you wanna learn about her methodology. I freaking love it. It's a bold move.
Kate Northrup:She it's great. So I just wanna say right now, there is nothing around the holidays that you have to do that you don't wanna do, and the greatest gift you can give the people you love is your joy and your presence. Okay. Setting boundaries. Setting boundaries is the next one.
Kate Northrup:1 year at the holidays, it was a particularly, volatile political year similar to the current one we're in, and I wrote an email to the people who were coming to Christmas dinner at my house, and I said the following, hey. I can't wait to host Christmas. Here's what I would love everyone to do. Number 1, dress festively. Number 2, leave your cell phone in the basket that will be by the front door when you walk in.
Kate Northrup:Number 3, please avoid conversations around COVID and politics. Thank you so much. I can't wait to have you at Christmas. I just made it super clear because I was, like, I will not sit in my own home feeling stressed out about people's erratic, irresponsible behavior, and I if I'm gonna spend the money, spend the time, clean my house, create the magic, I will have people in my home behaving in the way that I want them to behave. And it may sound control freaky to people, but honestly, it was a delightful, joyful holiday.
Kate Northrup:We connected about so many wonderful things. We were really present with each other. It turns out there's a lot to talk about when we take the most inflammatory topics off the table. It turns out there's a lot to connect about even with people who believe different things than you do. We have a lot more in common than we do differences, and sometimes taking those inflammatory conversations off the table helps us to find common ground and connection more easily.
Kate Northrup:So I encourage you to just be clear about your boundaries and expectations, and you might ruffle some feathers. I know that, you know, somebody who I sent that email to was like, oh, well, now I have my marching orders, and I was like, yes. You do, or you cannot come. Those are your choices. So it's totally fine to set clear boundaries and ask for what you want.
Kate Northrup:I already said about gifts considering really doing less when it comes to gifts. I know that when my kids were little, I overdid it a few years. I just, like, kind of, like, got carried away. And what ended up happening is my kids were overwhelmed. They were dysregulated, and they turned into little brats.
Kate Northrup:And I was just like, right. More presents does not need mean more magic. And so now we've gotten really clear with the kids. You get 3 things for Christmas. What are they?
Kate Northrup:And for our kids, it's been way easier to just give them the things on their list and, like, maybe 1 or 2 bonus things and a couple of stocking stuffers. But when it comes to Christmas magic, for us, less stuff has meant more magic because the kids can play with what they receive. They can be fully present to what they receive. They're not overwhelmed, and they're actually able to receive fully what they have as opposed to just piling on more and more and more. When we pile on more and more and more, whether it comes to food or stuff, we get overloaded, and we actually numb out, and it makes us it's, like, deeply uncomfortable.
Kate Northrup:It can actually be painful. So overgiving, over gift giving, or overgiving of our time is very similar to overeating. Like, the person on the receiving end of that gets too full, and they're actually quite uncomfortable. So when it comes to gifts, I would say, do us, certainly for kids and possibly everyone else as well. So remember, what makes the holiday special is not you busting your ass, is not you working and working and working and doing the perfect wrapping and making sure every single dish is perfect and your house is spotless and all the laundry has been folded.
Kate Northrup:That is not what makes the holidays magical. What makes the holidays magical is people we love and being able to be present with them. So I encourage you to think ahead and make this holiday your do less, have more holiday with the tips I've given you today. Happy holidays from Plenty. I'll see you next time.
Kate Northrup:I'm getting at least 1 DM a week that says, when do the doors open for relax money again? I'm ready. Now relax money is our signature neuroscience backed methodology to help you get financially healthier, and we only open the doors one time a year for our live cohort. However, we are growing the wait list early. So, when you get on the wait list, there are special bonuses, goodies, surprises, freebies, and you can get on there over at relax money.comforward/plenty.