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On this week's episode of Imperfect, Lisa discusses different parenting styles. Follow along to see which type might be best for you and your children.
Moms coming together to talk about the good, the bad, the ugly, and the really ugly. Join host Lisa - aka MessyStressyMama - as she discusses both the joys and challenges of being a parent and raising young children, with special guests and subject-matter experts along the way. Presented in an entertaining, non-judgmental style, join us on life's greatest adventure!
00:00:00:08 - 00:00:33:04
Speaker 1
Also today, I want to talk to you about a few different parenting styles. A few episodes ago, I talked about the four attachment styles of these attachments Ambivalent attachment disorder, attachment and, and so now we're kind of going to go into some parenting styles. We also have an interview with an increase conscious parenting coach. So we went back conscious parenting, but there are some other ones that are also seeking to break the cycle of generational trauma.
00:00:33:06 - 00:00:57:20
Speaker 1
So I wanted to go into this with you here. So first we have attachment parenting. So the information for this section comes from Healthline dot com. Actually, I, I got most of my permission for the front set from her. Find out. So I guess that's my thoughts and I'll leave the specific articles in the description. So just like attachment styles, the attachment styles up.
00:00:57:20 - 00:01:25:14
Speaker 1
So I'd like to first talk about where attachment parenting came from. From Dr. Pearson, pediatrician to the registered nurse, wrote a book called The Attachment Parenting Books. This book centered around a baby's need for loving answers, for attachments and or thrive. This book centered around the baby's need for loving and secure attachment in order to thrive, the chance to sleep close to their babies, breastfeed them and ever possible wear them wherever they can and to hold them as much as possible.
00:01:25:21 - 00:02:01:12
Speaker 1
Dr. Spears in the slides made her book Canteen Style, popular in the early 2000, and it's actually based on attachment theory, which is what immediately drew me. And so I definitely agree that closeness to the child's primary caregiver helps them develop skin attachments, which is what we want our children to really touch. So you can grow to be confident, independent adults from sure of themselves and create healthy relationships with others, which is how closely attachment parenting require the connection to the parent child to be according to involving attachment parenting constantly being available for whatever and whatever and whatever.
00:02:02:18 - 00:02:30:14
Speaker 1
Child parenting certainly isn't perfect for the attachment by some or all of their own structure, their childcare procedures. So let's break down attachment parenting a bit further. Here are the five. Main one is responding. So between zero and six weeks of age, as much as consistent contact as possible and constant togetherness for Tuesday during. So this promotes physical closeness and trust.
00:02:30:20 - 00:02:57:10
Speaker 1
Babies can safely learn about their environment and parents can learn about their babies through closeness, anniversaries, bed sharing. So this is where it gets a little controversial. I've always heard that mentions dangerous foods are the risk of rolling over onto baby, but I'm also pretty sure mommy instinct wouldn't let that happen. I mean, unless I have, like, an entire bottle of wine, which is something I've done, but that's not something I would do if I was taking their child.
00:02:57:15 - 00:03:00:20
Speaker 1
And so I only know about this one personally, but let's see here.
00:03:02:21 - 00:03:29:08
Speaker 1
So with that journey, there's less separation anxiety for the baby and it's easier to breastfeed tonight for the mom. More forcefully conveys cries for attention. Parents, cries are always a way to communicate needs, and I never mention it fully. So parents must be responsive to every practical trust between baby and for the cancer survivor to cry. It's trust trusting baby and the parents and the parent learn space, location, style.
00:03:30:05 - 00:03:56:03
Speaker 1
Number five is balance and boundaries. Attachment parenting encourages tending to the baby and family and encourages finding ways respond yes or no, calmly and appropriately and asking what's needed. Comment appropriately. Now, one of the core values in spouse parenting I've seen into how they shift and change at each new stage of life. So from birth to age, one attachment parenting is all a baby leading the way.
00:03:56:14 - 00:04:24:17
Speaker 1
So you won't see any strict schedules for feeding or sleeping. Any mention of baby training, any kind of instant content pressing for soon as possible after the terms. Although it's natural, parenting is all about breastfeeding, wrestling, baby Healthline where I got the article from the taking a more fun is best approach we're sitting here thinking is also on demand same during this period of time is holding the baby as much as possible.
00:04:25:11 - 00:05:01:15
Speaker 1
As I pointed out, mostly to avoid confusion for breast fed babies all responded too quickly and sensitively. The parents study babies, facial expressions over time, specific temperament, health and each of their unique needs co-sleeping. Although this is not recommended by the Academy of Pediatrics, empathy towards all outbursts and emotions, however negative some so the toddler stage so this is what I was most interested in learning about basically really is three easing wrapped around a finger but I don't see that as a positive thing because I want to learn something, something she can solve problems on herself.
00:05:02:14 - 00:05:24:08
Speaker 1
Also, it's very plain to see that Lilly knows that manipulate strategically trying to cries to get what you want. I'm also terrible at boundaries though, so immediate instant parenting has happened for me to learn. So in toddler stage it's still predominantly child flat and parents wait for signs of readiness breastfeeding. They continue passive first birthing everything. That's their responses to child feeds.
00:05:24:20 - 00:05:47:04
Speaker 1
All negative emotions are validated. These underlying emotions often get unfavorable behaviors. The child is autonomous. It makes it almost entirely safe and appropriate to do so. Discipline is down to positive reinforcement punishments. So I'll be honest, I'm not an attachment parent. I didn't even know it's it's a parenting thing. A friend of mine claims that she's a pro attachment mom.
00:05:47:18 - 00:06:09:14
Speaker 1
I saw very similar qualities to a lot of parents. Also some very big differences. I to jump to a constant refrain sound that's likely due to my complex PTSD and honestly, I wish I saw many things where every beck and call stands for itself. My need to think as a child especially emotional once so now I'm hyper vigilant.
00:06:09:21 - 00:06:30:02
Speaker 1
And after seeing the contrast, I think a few weeks ago, I realized this hypervigilance will actually keep me from trying to meet my daughters. And that's my biggest problem. Attachment parenting. I feel if I continue to meet every summer, Sergeant, always my ability to intuitively and instinctively know when there was a problem and when there is someone. If everything's an emergency.
00:06:30:02 - 00:07:03:04
Speaker 1
And that's that's just my opinion, though. I'm sure every parent would disagree with that. That's the base worries that the hypervigilance will actually be harmful. Not to mention, I already don't take care of myself. I can't imagine my age any less of a priority. And it's parenting is also about finding balance. So I'm sure I would find one that works for me over extremely baby and I just love attachment parents are and I sense and fully informed I never stress myself out about how awful cedar change or how much or how little to cuddle her.
00:07:03:15 - 00:07:29:23
Speaker 1
I let her call the shots on May one, but mostly these postpartum depression feeling is a later and less depressed, and you realize it's actually to find the frontal instinct kicking in. And I was just trusting myself to do it. I already knew how to do, even though I consciously know the ending to it coming. I'll have a positive parent, so let's step on my list of parenting styles through social media feeds is positive for one in the 1900s.
00:07:30:00 - 00:07:57:15
Speaker 1
Back then, the norm was for them to be seen and not heard. A man named Alfred Adler, who had studied the psychology of certain, the opposite. He proclaimed that children need to, in fact strangers the dignity which frankly, this sentiment is for more today. But it wasn't article Sharon Stone Age soon. Others joined by psychiatrist Rudolf Rekers. They both advised to treat their children respectfully, but also tried not to spoil or call them.
00:07:57:15 - 00:08:20:22
Speaker 1
Said it, talking only new to them, developing a sense of entitlement and create more emotional problems to deal with. Essentially, this often things about parents, they being compassionate and firm, finding the perfect balance between those two seemingly endless things. I love this. Anyone who knows me knows I'm all about having battles with anything. It seems like me saying how they are always sad.
00:08:21:16 - 00:08:50:00
Speaker 1
So I'm glad that positive parenting parties parents to find the signs so with Alfred Adler, after seeing the way that compassionate yet firm approached doctor education, Jane Nelson framed as a positive discipline methodology. Here's a little bit about positive discipline. So its discipline and the consequences teach life lessons rather than sustained punitive punishments, and there's positive timeouts. So it's not a punishment.
00:08:50:00 - 00:09:13:16
Speaker 1
And these timeouts usually happen in a pleasant, comfortable space, a puzzle time to just sort of take lemonade to cool down. This also emphasizes positive reinforcement that rewards different time, etc. Actually this Napoleon thing for her to kind of do this positive reinforcement kind of thing, if she can go one morning without screaming for me to come get her, that's three stickers.
00:09:14:09 - 00:09:42:01
Speaker 1
So teachers are actually encouraged. She's causing discipline in schools. All discipline ensures kids one states foster parents broken down into three new assumptions about children, which are as follows Positive attending function. One child's main goal is to go on basic stuff improve emotional connection for partners. Don't you want to know how they fit in with their family? When they're big changes, their sense of belonging suffer.
00:09:42:18 - 00:10:08:00
Speaker 1
They want to feel like they're capable and need closure. And when they can contribute something to their family, it's all about power, having power over their world. I'm learning how to learn it. It's very important to a child's if they aren't able to use their power for good, only to exert some other way for that positive campaign function to all behavior is goal oriented, so bad behavior is a symptom of the problem.
00:10:08:23 - 00:10:33:16
Speaker 1
If you understand your own problem, then you find a positive parenting function. Number three A missing child is not just for the child, it's actually a need isn't being positive. Parents should be investigating the cry for help. Over time. They'll do the same behaviors again and again. Those behaviors will get their needs. Like I said before, the balancing act of positive parenting.
00:10:33:16 - 00:10:53:20
Speaker 1
I can respect my child, search for the clear boundaries. This longtime friend has always known that final note of how much love and respect we have for them. As much as I love this balance, I'm terrible at finding it in my own household runs the show and there's not much I can say and say about it. Lily runs the show and there's not much I can say or do.
00:10:53:20 - 00:11:10:12
Speaker 1
When she said I to do something, it helps that I don't have any restrictions. But definitely it's frustrating to tell her to come here. And the many times when she finally decides to drop the toys just clutching over to me, she respects the heck out of my husband, though I guess I have a lot to work on discipline wise.
00:11:10:21 - 00:11:32:22
Speaker 1
I'm hoping things will get a little easier. Perhaps the three nature fades. I'm sorry. Really? You mean trauma responses? I didn't even realize how much I was struggling before I had children. Paralysis trigger City. Now it's so difficult for me to stand for a moment and just handle what's happening for me. And some of the anger I see naturally is actually anger toward my inner child.
00:11:32:22 - 00:11:54:15
Speaker 1
I haven't even begun to unpack that moment in my frustration inner child for not being comfortable. Speaking of minds, maybe little Lisa's jealous. I don't know. Whatever's happening inside me. I've been working so hard on it. My girls don't deserve to deal with anger. I want to gain all of the control as quickly as I can. I want us to be able to always be present for girls.
00:11:55:14 - 00:12:26:03
Speaker 1
After a quick break, we'll talk about gentle parenting. Another parenting style has been all the rage lately is simple parenting just like that. This year in the attachment parenting book, Gentle Parenting came about through a gentle parenting but oddly rigorous child. Childcare expert Sarah also insight parenting is built on the foundation of the settlement, the future of the child, and the goal is better understanding children's needs instead of setting expectations and having rules, gentle parents give their children choices and their children exercise their free will.
00:12:26:18 - 00:12:57:20
Speaker 1
The Three Seasons Gentle Parenting or Connection, Communication and Consistency. Although, according to an article, general parents also practice a great deal of patience, the biggest of the Three Seasons connection. The more than you are to your child's, the more likely to want to behave. In a previous article from Healthline quotes Read More Connected Immature Trials, the more likely they'll want to behave in a way that pleases Healthline and quote is very seasoned are internal ones in each of the principles of kinship parenting.
00:12:58:00 - 00:13:30:17
Speaker 1
And I'll go over that sound virtually with empathy. Gentle parents encouraged to pay close attention to their child's feelings and needs, and every bad behavior comes from the underlying negative emotion that needs to be addressed. And I love that. I mean, I guess it's always been the central others from START to regardless of whether I agree with them, that knowing how to read the brand the is the biggest thing I want to do is change people really such beautiful and powerful thing.
00:13:31:14 - 00:13:51:10
Speaker 1
We have a situation arises where someone around a little girl made a motion to explain it to her example. This is when her best friend came over to play with her. And 20 weeks ago, when we were looking at the few toys and playroom that each time that this little girl was taken very seriously, in a way, she's only three.
00:13:51:10 - 00:14:10:22
Speaker 1
So we're still working on the concept of taking a chance and sharing it formally. Grabbed the toys away. Her friend gets out. So explain to me why her friend said, because it seems a little silly and other toys and clearly thought that they were pretty cool. Only took her toy away from her friend. It wasn't very nice. Her friend was trying to steal from her.
00:14:10:22 - 00:14:35:02
Speaker 1
All she wanted was to share also toys. I really hope we develop empathy, empathy, understanding and two things that we need a lot more. Second, principles respect. So basically the golden rule treat your child the way you would like to each other. Not just a handsome smile. Also, instead of don't interrupt, say all the email to you extra I'm done talking to.
00:14:36:08 - 00:14:57:15
Speaker 1
The third one is understanding. Some friends are still developing and such. They can't control behaviors like adults in little clients, make sure their expectations are appropriate for the age of their child and their current stage of development. It's not them is important, and that's boundaries. Boundaries are very important, but the fewer rules easier it is to stay consistent with them.
00:14:57:15 - 00:15:17:11
Speaker 1
Rules teach the child a better way of doing things. We go to bed after only one movie so that we're not tired of school in the morning. Setting boundaries encourage these boundaries, make children feel safe. Reminds me of an experiment that was performed on children playing playground at first for playground is closed and the kids could just run off in any direction.
00:15:17:11 - 00:15:46:03
Speaker 1
Instead, the kids stayed in the center of the playground and didn't venture out whether when there was a fence around the playground, children ventured all the way to the fence with some kids prefer knowing where their limits or boundaries are. To the last principle of gentle parenting is that punishments are not a thing. They're not a thing where the rewards of promotions only teach children that if they act a certain way, they'll get something out of this so gentle and things similar to conscious acting, but it's also focus.
00:15:46:03 - 00:16:06:23
Speaker 1
Learn some physical closeness and more emotional connection. Gentle parenting focuses on creating specific boundaries for child pornography. There are rather than boundaries for keeping your whole family safe, gentle parenting. So the big one we solved is that focus on emotional connection and empathy. But I still wouldn't take on particular stuff for myself in my home. I also really like this.
00:16:06:23 - 00:16:29:18
Speaker 1
Interesting is about usefulness. They make it for the parent and child instead of just saying no. I'm back with some of the kids parents. Explain the reasons behind. For now, that's the boundary. I've always done that slowly and consistently, explaining every little reason for every little thing to her, even if she's not old enough to fully consider saying, I always want to make sure I'm getting right reasons for the boundaries.
00:16:30:02 - 00:16:50:09
Speaker 1
I don't want to just be scared of getting in trouble. I want her to choose, respect, boundaries that your standards standpoints there how it's used or the boundaries though is a bit different from her central parenting system. I agree that a good way to look at boundaries is as a better way doing things that even me, all that I believe that some boundaries should be set by the child for themselves.
00:16:50:18 - 00:17:12:08
Speaker 1
I believe in children having freedom to explore on things, on secret courts, and in doing so, I mean, there are limits. I found that there are a lot of boundaries that I didn't even have to set. Clearly she learned on her own she couldn't do. There are some hard and fast boundaries. I don't like knives or oven, but for the most part, Lily doesn't choose to do the things or things on my back that I would want.
00:17:13:03 - 00:17:36:11
Speaker 1
My husband has told me before that I'm too lax or firmly that he is my boundaries for her, that I do. But he's also not with her all day watching her and what she does. He doesn't get a ton of time to tune himself to her. So his boundary, seeing standard boundaries that you can set, frankly, I think this is one of the main reasons I love the state so much is when so much time with my daughters that I learned all of their wins.
00:17:36:12 - 00:17:47:22
Speaker 1
I've seen how they're how they are in the world. It makes them more comfortable with letting them figure things out for themselves. So I guess then we were gentle parents, so on. But I still don't like the label.