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Open Wounds. The NSFW podcast where we explore trauma of every shape and form. Join us as we hear from everyday people about their lives and learn from each other to move from surviving to thriving.
Candice (00:01)
Hello and welcome to this week's episode of Open Wounds podcast. I have a guest with me today. Her name is Donna Kendall. She is a coach and an entrepreneur. ⁓ Her website and brand is called Ignite Your Soul. And today she's gonna talk with us a little bit about her work with the subconscious and changing your life and bringing things into your reality that you want to see in your life. So.
Welcome Donna to the podcast.
Donna Magnuson (00:32)
Thank you, Candice. It's an honor to be here.
Candice (00:35)
Thank you so much. So ⁓ usually I like to ask like, how did you end up doing the work you're doing? What led you to this, this career path and this, you know, interest in working with the subconscious and coaching and all those fun things.
Donna Magnuson (00:51)
Yeah. ⁓ Well, you know, everybody has something that's in their past. I was adopted within the family and taken home from the hospital by a single mother who was just an amazing role model. And ⁓ she she was a working woman, single mom, and just incredible. I had really a great childhood. And then when I was 12 years old,
she passed away, cancer. at 12 years old, I went to stay with some cousins that I really didn't know. And I just closed up. So as you might imagine, I didn't I didn't know how to handle that situation. I didn't have anybody to help me handle that situation really well. And so I just closed up. I think back of it my heart and
⁓ lived in my head. So I just was always on guard, lived in my head. I struggled ⁓ through high school. I was an incredible student up until this happened. And then I struggled in high school. And looking back, and now that I know what was really happening, I was struggling because my mind was
my brain was used, all my resources in my brain were used for fight or flight. I was in a constant state of fight or flight and stress, you know? And so I didn't have the resources to use for school. So then, you know, I did make it through school and I went directly into the military and, you know, it was a great experience. And I think because
I just needed that structure. You know, the military creates that structure. And I was in just for four years. I got married pretty young, and then was in the military for four years. And then when I got out, that process in and of itself freed up some resources for me to go and go to school and get my degree. So
You know, in that process though, I just was always in my head trying to figure out, you know, how do you fit into society? What is success? What do do to make you happy, et cetera? So I was able to make it work in the corporate environment and I married an individual that was...
I mean, it's emotionally unavailable, which, you know, didn't really have that close to us, but that's what I needed. But he was very structured. So he was very structured, like, you know, routine oriented, I knew everything about it. And I think that environment just allowed me to relax a little bit. But there was always something in the back of my mind that I can't really put my finger on it just that there
that I knew I was working and living in a limited state. And so there was always kind of this question in the back of my mind, like what's going on? So I tried the therapy for a little bit because I was uncomfortable in any situation that I was in, even though in the corporate environment, you know what's really crazy, Candace, in the corporate environment, they promote
Candice (04:15)
Yeah, yeah.
Donna Magnuson (04:37)
and reward women who, what I was projecting to them was strength and confidence, but it was not a real strength and confidence. It was like that forceful strength and confidence. It's like, this is who I had to be because I, you know, I didn't, I didn't know any different. And it was always, it was that guarded confidence and ⁓ strength. And, but, you know,
it worked. But there was always that thing in the back of my mind of I just never felt comfortable in who I was. I never felt comfortable in an environment. I didn't feel comfortable talking to people. I just didn't know who I was. ran all those personality tests to try and figure out. Had someone try and tell me who I was because I was so disconnected from it.
Candice (05:24)
Mmm.
Donna Magnuson (05:33)
And then what led me to this work is that ⁓ I found this program and the very first line of the program was that no two brains are alike and what you are living in your head is unique to you and it's not it's nothing like anybody else. And I was just like,
Because it was the brain, I started going into it figuring out the brain. Like, am I, why do I feel like this? Why do I like it? And that just snowballed. ⁓ It just continued to go. And ⁓
I just continue to follow it. Then I went to energy and then I went to, you know, really the subconscious. And then I learned a program that freed me from a lot of these, these barriers. And that was a program that neutralized those subconscious. And you know, you weren't hypnotized. It just, it's very gentle. It's a process through commands. It will ⁓
There's just two parts to a memory is that there's the emotional part to the memory and the content part of the memory. That's the emotional part that we get stuck on because that's the part that creates anxiety, the anchor, that whatever that is. And so we get stuck and we never go further. Well, that just kind of neutralizes that. So I was in that program for a couple of years and I was like, wow, this is just changed my life. So then I became certified in that program. And I really believe with
Candice (06:50)
Yes.
Donna Magnuson (07:12)
You know, every ounce of what I have is that we are what they say is absolutely true. Ninety five percent of our awareness, our consciousness is subconsciously like we're we think we're we're, you know, conscious and we're talking and we're making decisions and choices. And we're really not many of us. I was asleep. And I say that in the way asleep.
Candice (07:24)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Thank
Donna Magnuson (07:40)
for years because I was when you are running unconsciously, which means you're not really you're letting the programs in in your brain. That's a power of our brain because it's efficient when you just let them run. Then you're just getting those programs that you've learned and you programmed in there and they just continue to run. So, you know, it's been quite a journey, but it really has been that thing that's allowed.
Candice (07:50)
Yeah.
Yeah.
Donna Magnuson (08:10)
me to free myself from a lot of those binds that were keeping me stuck. And then, you know, I was able to shift from my mind down into my heart ⁓ in that process and realize that I had a heart.
Candice (08:28)
That's awesome. Yeah, I there's so many things I want to pick up on what you said. The first was talking about your childhood. You very clearly, you know, kind of had a attachment disruption, right? So you lost the person that you loved and relied on. And so you kind of went within as a protective mechanism. And then as you grew, you you craved that security and that safety in the military and in your marriage. But also your marriage was reflecting like I don't trust to
have a relationship because I don't want to be wounded again. So I'm going to pick this guy who's emotionally unavailable, but it's going to give me the structure and the stability and security that I'm craving, right? And so then that was one thing I was like, I definitely identify with that where when you've you've had something happen to you in your childhood, your behaviors start to play out in all your other relationships, right? And then the other thing you talked about with that program
Donna Magnuson (09:00)
Yes.
Yes.
Candice (09:25)
with the mind and the emotions. And so this is what I hit up against in my own journey. had been doing cognitive behavior therapy for
like a long time over a decade and I got to this place where I was like I cognitively know that this caused this and that this experience created this but I couldn't get it out of my emotional body state. It was like I kept telling my therapist I was like it's like my body and my emotions are not on the same page as my brain and so my brain is telling me you're safe you're fine that this situation is not your childhood but my body and my emotions
Donna Magnuson (09:48)
Yes, yes.
Candice (10:04)
we're going, we don't get it, we don't get it. And so this program sounds fascinating because I think that so much of traditional therapy is missing that somatic emotional component. It's very brain-based and it's not getting down. Yeah, it's not getting down to the root of the stuff that's stored in our cells basically and that we're reacting from this place that we can't override it with our brain, right?
Donna Magnuson (10:17)
Yes. Yes, cognitive, intellectual. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, that's, that's absolutely right. You can understand so much cognitively, let's just take you read a book. And, you know, I was, I still have lots and lots of books, but this blew my mind, too. Okay, so you read a book, you create these connections, these mental connections. ⁓
But if you don't do anything with that information, if you don't immerse it, if you don't create it into a habit, if you don't do anything, it stays intellectual. It doesn't change your life. And that's what you're talking about is this, when it remains that intellectual process and the subconscious is still running. I just did this TikTok about.
if you say, should I leave this job? I and the thing was, that's the wrong question to ask, because you're already in this limited self, because the way that this works, if you have your subconscious,
Donna Kendall (11:40)
All right, so it will, so let's just say you have this subconscious narrative, this thing that created that you knew when you were younger, that that ⁓ part is tied to these thoughts and these emotions. And that's the first thing that runs is that that when you have, when you have this, it's automatically affecting what you think and what you feel. And that's usually the process that gets us stuck.
especially if we're not in the present moment, and we don't have tools, then we automatically run this emotion. And now it's a biochemical process. And it's it's almost, you know, it's hard to stop when it becomes a bio biochemical process that's running. But let's just say you start with this subconscious ⁓ constraint, and then that goes into thoughts and feelings. So that drives what you think and what you feel.
It drives your decisions and your actions. And then it drives your outcome. So if you're saying, do I need to leave this job? You're already going to the action. Like you bypassing the root of it, the root of the problem. ⁓ do I need to leave this job? Well, that's an action that is not addressing the problem. That's not the question to ask. The question to ask is to say, all right.
What about this is causing this disruption in me? It's having the tools to go back and question it. And what is it that's causing the tools? And what is the story that I'm telling myself about this? Because we create our reality. there's certain things that we call facts, but they're not really facts. They're because they're filtered by and distorted by what we perceive them to be.
But let's just say you take the facts. This is what happened. I went to the store and I was going down the street and I saw this dog and then all of a sudden I got I got crazy, you know, and I couldn't figure out I dropped the groceries and I couldn't figure it out and I ran and why did I do that? Well, you just go through and you write down the facts. Okay, I went to the grocery store saw this dog. All right, then you say what is the story that I'm telling myself about that and you start to explore
that story, and then you and you're going to come what would someone have to believe to create that story and that's your belief. That's what's that starts with that subconscious constraint is that you create this belief of what you believe about the world. And then you question it. And a lot of times you can do this work if they're small, little subconscious things you can you can question it what you find is that
It's not true that it's not really what you believe about yourself. It's not true. And when you question it, you can say, well, what is it that I really believe? What is it that I really believe about this? And then that will be enough for you to kind of switch your mindset. The problem that happens is we never go back and reflect and question it. We never create space for these things that are happening. So they just run.
So then you feel bad, I dropped the groceries, you're embarrassed, you go back into those old feelings. And then you go on about your you know, you get over that you wake up in the morning, you go on about your day, and then you're you're now you think so it's really creating that space. It's being aware it's being ⁓ present to what's going on. What are you feeling and what's happening because we program this whole
all of this ⁓ parts of us and you probably know that most of that gets programmed in the first seven to eight years because children are just recording. They're in a different chemical brainwave when you're young. So you're just recording everything around you all of your beliefs, everything that you think about is all recorded. what my was because I was adopted and then my mother passed when I was 12, I lived with this lens.
I was looking through this lens that I'm not wanted. And so every that's why I was so uncomfortable everywhere I went, it was because I was feeling like I wasn't wanted. And and so your subconscious will create that reality for you, you will be attracted to people then who, you know, who aren't attached to you, because that's, that's, that's what you see it actually.
When I say lens, it actually creates what you see and experience here.
Candice (16:30)
That's fascinating. It reminds me of like a projector where you can put different slides. don't know. People who are millennials may not even know what the hell I'm talking about. But when I was a kid, there was like a glass projector with like a lamp and it shot onto the wall and you could put a, it was like the paper was see-through, but it had words on it, but you could stack like six of them on there and it would make a crazy image. But it's projecting out.
Donna Kendall (16:35)
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Candice (16:58)
because it's a lens that's covered and covered and covered. But what came up when you were talking about the should I quit my job? I have a perfect example of this. So I was working in social work for a decade and I kept thinking this job is toxic. This boss is toxic. I need to leave this company, this nonprofit because they're the problem, this industry. So I hopped from different nonprofits.
because I kept running into the same thing. My bosses and I wouldn't get along. I would feel like I was being taken advantage of or bullied or whatever. And so then I was like, well, it's the industry. I'm going to go into...
Donna Kendall (17:34)
Yes.
Candice (17:35)
interior design, which is what I do now. And I went to work for someone else. And suddenly here I am faced with the same scenario, my coworkers and people treating me to get exact same way. And I had an epiphany, which for God's sakes, it took me 10 years to figure this out. But I had the epiphany, this is a me thing. This is me and I'm creating this dynamic somehow, right? And so still at the time, even though I figured the pattern out and I figured out, okay,
Donna Kendall (17:43)
Yes.
beautiful.
Candice (18:04)
Something I'm doing is bringing this into reality, right? And so I took a different approach because I was working with my therapist who does mostly cognitive behavior and we did an Interf like an intervention action where I had a confrontational talk with the people I was working with or I would have a Discussion with the manager and be like I'm not gonna stay here if this is how people are gonna talk to me and it did make a change but
Donna Kendall (18:08)
Yes.
Candice (18:33)
the next job I went to, comes back, it keeps coming back in like a different form and it's like reduced in its intensity. But because I haven't got to the, like you said, the film or the layer or the lens that's saying I am a victim, I am somebody's, like I am, you know, I attract bullies or whatever it is that that belief and that programming is from childhood because I haven't actually.
reworked that belief, it still comes up sometimes. And so now I'm like having an aha moment as we're talking about this.
Donna Kendall (19:06)
Yeah.
Yeah. And it can be it. It can be something I mean, what came up for me, and it may not fit, but ⁓ I'm not safe. And when you feel like you're not safe, you think, Okay, I'm going to create a safety. No, you create the opposite of it, you actually attract, you attract everything that you don't want in there. And so, you know, the beautiful thing, really, ⁓ if I could, you know, tell
Candice (19:26)
Yes. ⁓
Donna Kendall (19:39)
any everybody what's the one thing it's that everything in your life is a mirror and it's just showing you what is going on in here and what you still can release and let go of and free yourself from it really is and for the longest time I was
A victim, I was a victim to my circumstances. And I can see that so clearly. Now, if you would have had that conversation with me and said, Donna, you're being a victim, I would have probably argued with you. ⁓ now I see it so clearly that we're victims to circumstances. And we blame, I would blame everything outside of myself. It was that fault, or I would judge, which again, is just a protection mechanism. Yeah.
Candice (20:14)
Yeah.
Yes.
Yeah. So if somebody is in this state where they're constantly coming up against the same patterning and reliving the same experiences, how do they basically go and figure out what the underlying thing is and then start to rewrite their beliefs? Basically, you have to create a new reality, right?
Donna Kendall (20:31)
It's coming soon.
Yeah. Yeah.
And it all depends, Candice, on the level of severity, because I call them rocks and boulders. So the rocks are those little things that are there that you can go clear. And we'll talk about that in a minute how you might be able to do that. And then there's these, these boulders that let's just imagine that every day, you walk on this path, and there's this huge boulder.
And you just come across this boulder and you're like, okay, I'm not going over it. So I'm going to go around it. And every day you come across this boulder and you go around it and you come across this boulder and you go around it. And if someone were to ask you, Hey, how's your walk in the morning? Do you have, do you notice anything that, you know, gets in your way? You're like, no. But meanwhile, you're walking around this boulder every day. Those are what I call the big boulders and
Candice (21:39)
Yeah, yeah.
Donna Kendall (21:48)
Many times it was even me. Many times we have a blind spot to that. Like we don't recognize it. And that's when you need another person to go in and start to ⁓ go through some questioning and say, OK, I think this is what it is, what what might be happening. But then in the my liberate process, we we go through and through it's like peeling away at the onion because we start with the process.
And then we treat it with command. you're awake, you're you're you have your eyes closed in your you your, you're still conscious and awake, you're not hypnotized or anything. And then we treat it. And then what happens is that as we start to treat some of that emotional content, it's like peeling away at the onion and you start to see, you start to recognize and get the wisdom of the past. ⁓
Okay, so that's the liberate process. That's if you like, okay, so you go treat it yourself and you can't you can't get to it or you're like, okay, I keep treating it but it keeps coming up. And that was, you know, what's so interesting is I would write in journals about not feeling like I was wanting to not feeling chosen. And then when I was in, you know, this process, and it was like, okay, so what do you think your belief is? It's like, I don't know, like,
It's so crazy because you don't you know, you can't think of it, but those are the big boulders where you do need someone that can help you go in and and get to the bottom of that and it and it's so subtle because it's like ⁓ Here's we're go back to the path. So it's so subtle. We remove that boulder
Candice (23:13)
Yeah.
Donna Kendall (23:35)
And you're you go down this path again, and now you don't have the boulder, but you're just walking through walking through and then maybe a couple weeks later, you're like, why something's different. I'm not going around that boulder anymore. Like it's so much faster. It's so much easier. You know, it's and that's what and that's really what that's like. But if it's the rocks, there's a process that you can do and it takes it really takes that commitment to creating the space for yourself. So
you're going to recognize ⁓ that thing that either, you know, disturbed you that, you know, you had to be judgeful, you you felt like you had to complain, you ⁓ was react, you reacted to it, and you didn't want to any of those things that you go back and you question, like, why did I do that? So then you create this space for yourself where you're you don't you can be alone and just
So that first one is asking your question. What are the facts about that? Just write it down, know, writing down the facts. And then the second question is, then you're asking yourself, what is the story that I'm creating about that? Because we all have a story that supports this process that supports it. And that is really supported by our belief and our belief changes our reality and what we think about.
Then that third question is, would someone, and I like to take it third person, because sometimes if you get it too close, you can't think of it. What would someone who created that story about those facts, what would they have to believe about themselves? You know, I don't belong, I'm not enough. I have to be perfect. I had to have it right or.
in my head, I was better than that other person or you know, whatever the case, it becomes pretty clear. And then you ask yourself, is that true for me today? Is that really true? Am I because it's my the belief that I've chosen to accept is that as a soul, we are we are everything we're looking for.
We have happiness, we're joy, we're love, we're empowerment, we're free, we have it all. But we're all covered up with all this gunk. And it isn't true, because at your true beingness, you are abundant, you are free, you are empowered, you are all of that. But you have beliefs that have disassociated you from this truth of who you are. So you ask yourself, and that's why you might need someone as well, because sometimes if you get to that
And you don't really believe you're like is it true and you can't say no, it's not true That's not who I am. Then there's still a strong belief in there. That's pulling you keeping you there and Then that last one is what for me today? What is it that I choose to believe? What do I choose to believe about this situation? And what can I do the next time to you know to to do this differently?
And that will slowly start to shift. Like I just did that this morning. I get in these phases where I get up every day and I say, OK, what's there for me to release? And I'll go through that process. But I definitely do it if I get triggered. ⁓ I really, really am in this set that everything that happens, I point the finger back on me.
And there was a good example of this that I just want to leave with you. And that is it's like you're looking in the mirror and you see this much here and you're looking in your. Your your your like, what is that smudge? So you start cleaning the mirror and the smudge doesn't come off. That's because we're looking outside of ourselves trying to fix it versus, ⁓ the smudge is here. I have to clean it.
Candice (27:40)
Mm-hmm.
Donna Kendall (27:44)
here. And so that's really everything. The biggest advice I have is every, every single darn thing is a mirror in it and not a bad way. can be a good way. So if you meet someone that just really makes you feel good and the joy or the love that's in you, you wouldn't feel that if that wasn't in you.
Candice (28:07)
Yeah, yeah.
That's awesome that you have pointed that out because so many people can fixate on the like, well, if I'm experiencing these things, that means it's my fault. And then like, I don't want it to be my fault. Right. So there's that part of it. The other thing you said, too, was the it's so much easier for us to see these things than other people. Like I'll be talking to my girlfriends or watching something and I'll be like, ⁓ well, their problem is da da da da da da da. And they have an internal belief.
Donna Kendall (28:37)
Yes.
Candice (28:38)
of da da da da da da da and they don't feel safe having blah blah blah blah blah but when I'm like doing it to myself I'm like I mean I don't know is it this is it this and you kind of get hung up because like you said it's hard to see your own blind spots right and what what areas that you are having the issues with so I know
Donna Kendall (28:42)
Yeah.
Yes.
Can I tell you something?
Because you even see it in someone else that's in you. That's something in you that can be released. You wouldn't recognize it. wouldn't even hit your radar as something that would stir in you anything other than neutrality if it wasn't something in you to be released.
Candice (29:06)
Yeah.
Yes, that's a good point because I remember back when I was having these issues at these employment and you know and the co-worker or the supervisor and it would be like I can't get along with these people they're picking on me whatever and then I was like I kind of got to this place I was like you know what she just said to me if she said that to Bethany Bethany wouldn't care Bethany wouldn't get upset Bethany wouldn't go in the bathroom and cry so why is Candace losing her shit
Donna Kendall (29:50)
Yeah.
Candice (29:53)
over this, right? And so then I had to be like, okay, well, clearly, I'm at a place where what this what this dynamic is, is bringing up something unresolved within me, something it's it's touching on a nerve that I have that other people would be like, whatever, I don't care what she you know, I mean, because I had literally co workers sitting next to me, who they would experience the same interaction with the supervisor, and they didn't care. They're like, whatever, that's her issue. And they didn't lose any sleep over as to where I'm spiraling.
Donna Kendall (29:53)
Yeah.
Yes.
Candice (30:22)
And so, yeah, I think that's one of the things is when you can notice that your reaction is different from the reactions of people around you, that gives you something to work with. Like that's a clue, right? That there's something there. And then you said too, the judgment is a lot of, I like to say it's a shadow thing, an unprocessed, unaccepted shadow part of us. A lot of times when like we're like, that person is this, that, think that, that,
Donna Kendall (30:37)
Yeah.
Candice (30:52)
that guy is bad, it's usually something within ourselves that we have cut off and said this is bad, I don't like this, I don't want this to be a part of who I am and instead of accepting that part and saying yes maybe sometimes I am like that person or
Donna Kendall (31:00)
Yeah.
Yeah.
Candice (31:08)
there
are parts of me that would do that same thing that that person's doing if I were in a certain situation, right? Because we don't, you know, usually in childhood we were told, like let's say lying. Lying is bad. We don't lie, it's evil, you're gonna burn in hell if you lie or whatever the programming you were given from your family. And so if you see someone lying, you're automatically, that's so horrible, that's so wrong. Even though we lie all the time about, you know, maybe we're lying about little things, we're not lying
Donna Kendall (31:25)
Yeah.
Candice (31:37)
about
catastrophic things, but still it's a part of us that we've like walled off and said this is unacceptable and so I'm going to alienate it instead of looking at it with a lens of compassion and understanding and kind of being like, ⁓ you know, this this part of me needs to be integrated basically.
Donna Kendall (31:56)
Yeah. Yeah. And you touched on ⁓ something as well, where, you know, that compassion, it's really having that compassion. But it's hard to have that compassion until you one are aware of it. And two, you've almost released it where you can come back and, you know, have that compassion because that the judgment is the judgment just keeps us so separated from it.
Candice (32:22)
Yeah. So when you're talking about this process of like the rocks and the boulders, so we're finding basically beliefs, underlying subconscious beliefs, right? So if my belief is, let's go back to the supervisor scenario, since we've already touched on it. If my belief is that I'm a victim and people are allowed to bully me and there's nothing I can do about it, then I'm going to keep bringing those experiences into my life. And so
Donna Kendall (32:34)
Yes.
Candice (32:52)
you can leave the job, you can get a new job, you can become self-employed, but you're, like I was laughing to my therapist because I was ⁓ in a shopping center, it was very busy, there was like an event there, and I was waiting for a parking spot, and this lady like blocked it with her doors and said, you can't park here, my friend is parking here. And so.
I was just like furious and I had to be like again somebody else if they were sitting here waiting for a spot number one they would have been like whatever I'll go find another spot and it would not have spiraled them for days like it did me because again it was touching on that I'm a victim they're the bully and this is my belief that I've created and this is the reality I don't have a boss anymore
Donna Kendall (33:33)
Yes. Yes.
Candice (33:37)
I don't like, I've kind of like got rid of all these categories where this thing can come up and the universe or whatever, my reality is bringing it in again. It's like, nope, this is a belief we have that you're the victim and they're the bully, right? And so if we take that, for example, like I can...
Donna Kendall (33:52)
Yes.
Candice (33:57)
take action and I like I told my therapist well I could have gotten a fight with her I could have got out of my car that would have been an action I could have taken right ⁓ which would be different than the normal action I take because that's one thing I think people are will get on like I've tried that I'm like well let me just do the opposite of what I usually do and see if that dissipates this thing that's happening but it doesn't usually like even if I swing wildly to the other side
Donna Kendall (34:17)
Yeah, yeah.
Candice (34:23)
And maybe I'm no longer like embodying the victim. Now I'm embodying the bully or whatever, right? Like ⁓ I'm trying to change the dynamic, but it's not really getting to the root of that belief that's running that programming that's running and the background, right? So how do we, if it's not through action, it's just acknowledging, okay, we figured out this is the belief. The belief is I'm a victim and other people bully me and I can't, you know, I can't do anything about it. So how do you...
reprogram that belief.
Donna Kendall (34:55)
Yeah, it's when you when you it's bringing awareness to it. If it's a rock. And actually, you know, when we're going through the process. Yeah, yeah, I would imagine because it's it's it's going back to the the I'm get bullied is just a symptom of that the root belief. It's just
Candice (35:03)
me, it's probably a boulder, honestly.
Donna Kendall (35:21)
the energy that goes out that you get that reaction back to you. ⁓ Essentially, when I go through the process, you're just bringing the awareness to it again, because you're bringing the space, we don't stop. And we don't bring awareness because this is energy that just wants to be released. But we just keep letting the program run. So when you stop and you bring that awareness to it, and you question it, you start if it's if it's something small,
Candice (35:39)
you
Donna Kendall (35:51)
And you could do it with this parking space, you know, you could say, okay, what were the facts? What was the story that I was telling myself, I'm getting bullied again, I always get bullied, I'm, you know, a victim. ⁓ That's, that's your story. And then if you can even take that back, well, what's the earliest memory that I have of feeling that way? How did I feel? What was the earliest memory of feeling that way? And you're to come out with
Because your belief isn't I'm a victim. if you think and the reason that I say that is that think of yourself of like a five year old, a five year old is not going to say I'm a victim. A five year old is going to say I'm bad or I don't feel safe.
Candice (36:38)
Right, it was the safety. I can, since we'll work through this as an example for everyone, my mom was very abusive and controlling to us as children. So it was probably happening when I was in diapers where she would lash out physically and hurt us or scream at us or whatever. ⁓ So I had no control over it and it was attached to safety. I like.
Donna Kendall (36:51)
Yes.
Candice (37:03)
if you say no to your mom or you throw a book that or whatever, you're gonna, your life is literally in danger at that stage, right? And so ⁓ that's what it's tying back to. So it is a safety thing, right? So if we get to the root of it, it's I'm not safe to stop this situation.
Donna Kendall (37:08)
Yeah.
Yeah.
or what if I what if you say this, it's not safe to be me.
Candice (37:30)
Mmm. Yeah. Or it's not safe to exist or to be seen or something along those lines.
Donna Kendall (37:38)
Yes. And so if you think of that process, it's not safe to be me. And, you know, how does that feel to not feel safe to be you?
Candice (37:53)
Yeah, that's terrifying because then it's like, you can't not exist. You can't not be yourself, right? Like what else could you be?
Donna Kendall (37:59)
Yes, you're just you're just a little
kid. You don't know how to be anything different. You're just being who you are. And it's met with that's not OK. And not only is it not OK, it's it gets you in a place where you feel afraid to even be who you are. And that energy just continues to exist. And.
The question is, you now you question that is, is it not safe to be Candace?
Candice (38:38)
In my current day reality, that's not true anymore. It is safe to be Candace now in this moment where I'm sitting right now.
Donna Kendall (38:47)
Yeah, yeah. And in the absence, if you never believed that you were not safe, how could what would Candice be? What would be available to Candice?
Candice (39:00)
Wow, yeah, when you flip it like that, you're like, my life would probably be completely different. Like everything about it would be different.
Donna Kendall (39:11)
Yeah. Yeah, it's that, ⁓ you know, it's that, that process that runs that keeps it in that mindset. And it keeps you creating the reality because you actually do if you think about our brain cannot take in everything that it is, it has to filter. So it only filters it based on the belief. So it filters your
yours by this, it's not safe to be me. So it's those things that get attracted to you because it's that vibrational, we're vibrational beings that get that attract that energy because you're sub, if anything, your ego needs to be right about it needs to say, find evidence for it. See, it's not safe. See, it's not safe. See, it's not safe. But at the end of that, if you can say, okay, it's not true that it's
not safe for me to be me or it's not safe for me to exist then what is really available to me without that
Candice (40:20)
Hmm. Yeah. So as we're as we're like working through this right now, it's almost like my brain can't imagine what that would look like. Right. Like. Yeah.
Donna Kendall (40:29)
Because it's a new world to you. You've been living
in this world for your whole life. Yeah.
Candice (40:35)
Yeah, so it would take, I think it would take me at least like 15 minutes of just kind of sitting with it to kind of re-imagine what that could, that would be an experience for me, right, in this, in this moment.
Donna Kendall (40:48)
Yeah.
Yeah. And, and, and through the process that that we go through the liberate process that you know, that we're do we're running commands that are that are neutralizing those emotional aspects that are coming up. The other thing about memories, especially in something like this. ⁓ There's so many patterns that run so many scenarios and like
they kind of get put on top of each other. That might be the other reason why you have a blind spot is that because they get, they get ⁓ so many different scenarios that you may not be getting to that root of that, that belief.
Candice (41:30)
Yes. Yeah.
Yeah. So if we take, for example, when I've done, like childhood, inner child work or like self hypnosis or even EMDR, a lot of times the memories that are coming forward are not the original one. It's one of the more, like you said, once, and I know, ⁓ there's a book,
I will, link it in the show notes. It's written by a woman about our brains and how once we have an experience, our brain will look for more information to confirm. I think it's called confirmation bias. Yes, right. So once we have a belief that it is not safe, like you said, my brain will constantly be going, it's not safe. And it'll just keep showing me more, it's not safe. So when I'm doing like this regressed memory thing or whatever you want to call it, it'll bring up something from when I was 10.
Donna Kendall (42:08)
Yes, confirmation bias,
Candice (42:28)
or something from when I was seven, but that's not the original, original, original one. And so, ⁓ yeah, it's really, especially for people who have complex PTSD, you know, it's very tangled. It's like a web where things are all touching on each other, right? Like, because we did have this foundational thing, like for you, it was the adoption, right? Where it was, so then from that moment forward, you're constantly filtering in confirmation of that,
So for me, it would be constantly filtering in information that I'm not safe and I'm being bullied or I'm being threatened or whatever. ⁓ So yeah, I think that, like you said, it is kind of hard to get down to the core that's like the thing that started it because if it started in infancy,
Donna Kendall (42:59)
Yeah.
Yeah.
Candice (43:16)
you know, then how your brain doesn't even store memories the same way they do once you get a little bit older, right? Like you were talking about our brain development from zero to seven is completely different than once we reach after that milestone.
Donna Kendall (43:23)
Yes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's, mean, part of that will have released in just our discussion, you know, it's a it's a big one. So it's, you know, hard to know how much of it will release because we just brought awareness to it is just going back to that younger part of you and recognizing, you know, that fear and having that compassion for that little girl who was just trying to be yourself and, you know, had
a parent that was going through whatever that they were going through that couldn't accept you where you were and it you know, especially with their frustration or however, they met you with that having that that compassion and knowing that as the Kansas that you are that that that just was an experience that you had in a belief that you created, but it's
not really true of who you are and thinking about if if that belief never existed, if you had this childhood where you were met with the love and the compassion and and the support to express yourself fully as you are, you know, what would be available to you? Who would you who would you who could you become?
Candice (44:54)
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. think that's especially for the listeners who've had like childhood things where it started so early. It's kind of like
That's almost like an infinity of choices, right, opens up to you on how your experience could be because, you know, it's a lot of people who have complex PTSD. It is because they had repeated childhood stuff. Now other people can get it from domestic violence or...
or other things, but it's a repeated thing. ⁓ figuring out like, wow, to create a new reality where that belief isn't running the show anymore is kind of like, whoa, this could have happened or this could have happened or that could have happened or my dynamics with myself and my relationship to the outer world would have been so different. So.
And I'm not trying to make this a session for myself, but I think it's a good example.
Donna Kendall (45:54)
No, you know what, what you're saying is that
the other thing is that what you know, you're talking to remember when I said when I was in school, I didn't have the resources to to do that. And that's what happens when we're caught in that constant survival and fight or flight. The other empowering part of this process is that we just were running unconsciously, we're not we're letting the program run. So when you come back and you create that space for it, then
Candice (46:01)
Yeah.
Donna Kendall (46:24)
you're able to stop because the way that our brains work is that if we're in constant fight or flight, it actually pulls resources from our cognitive part of our brain. And so we can't think that's when people say, well, I'm so afraid. I don't know what to do. Well, that's exactly right, because they're pulling resources away. But because when you use this part of your brain, it's very resource intensive.
It takes a lot of oxygen. takes a lot of energy to use this. That's when you when you learn something new and then you're tired, your life's like, I'm so tired all the time, because it's using so many resources. So when you're in a constant state, you just don't have the resources to use that part of your brain. So if you can create that space and then writing down the facts, just start to take the emotional part of out of it. And then what is the story?
It's just bringing some awareness. The present moment and awareness will really set you free because hurt and scared happen when we're trying to be in the past or in the future, neither which exist. We're not in the now. We're just trying to be we're reliving our past or we're afraid of something's going to happen in the future. So it's when you create the space.
you start to bring awareness and presence to what's happening. And it will start to release it really, it's really incredible.
Candice (47:58)
Yeah, I think this work is so important. I wish more people were trained in it and more therapists were taught this at their colleges or universities, whatnot, because I think it's so missing from the healing realm for people to access this type of stuff. I have a program that I paid out of pocket for.
and it's a manifestation program and it's focused on money, but what she, the core of what she's saying is exactly what you're saying. What story are you telling yourself? You figure out there's a belief there, right? The belief is that I'm not safe and the story that I'm telling myself is that the world is an unsafe place and I'm constantly in danger. Then how can you choose a new story basically or create a new story or create a new belief and then start
reminding yourself of that when the situation re-arises, you can say, ⁓ there's that story again, there's that belief again, what do I want to do with it? I can look at it with compassion and love and understand that it was a survival mechanism that I needed to get through whatever happened in my past. But here and now, in this present moment, I can choose a new belief and I can write a new story, right? And even I found for me at the beginning,
Donna Kendall (49:13)
Yeah.
Candice (49:17)
It seems a little bit like ⁓ make believe, like fairy tale. But if I just keep working on it, right, then eventually it's like, like the word shrinking the boulder almost is what it feels like as I'm doing this work around my stories and my beliefs. It's like, okay, the next time I come to the boulder, maybe it's not taking up the whole path. It's just taking up three quarters of the path, you know? And so I know, is there, you know,
Donna Kendall (49:43)
Yeah, yeah.
Candice (49:46)
for you when you're seeing this work with people, what does that process look like if you're doing direct work with them and you're coming across the boulders? Like how do you see them improve and where they know that they're making progress and all that?
Donna Kendall (50:02)
Yeah, we will we neutralize we peel away as as much as we can. But usually there's a shift. There's like you see this, this aha, this wisdom, like, my gosh, I've even had people that I've worked with someone that I worked with to stop smoking. And she's like, my gosh, I can taste the cigarette just like leaving. I'm like, Wow, that's weird. That one gave me a little bit of chills. But
And then we because whatever you you remove, or you neutralize, you want to replace, it's like, Okay, because what is possible, just like what you said, because you're you've lived in this world that you only know this. And now when you remove that, what is possible? What what can you do? What do you think now? And it's, it's reinforcing that and then, you know, doing some things, maybe it's a
You know, I've I've done intentions I've done. OK, so say this intention every day because your brain does it. No.
Crazy enough, you probably heard this, it doesn't know reality from non reality. I mean, you can you can feel joy and teach your system to be enjoy by continuing to practice. You don't know what it's like at first like happiness. I didn't even know what that really felt like. And then you know, you can continue to teach your your your mind what what that is. ⁓
Yeah, you can replace those old you can overwrite some of those old beliefs. It if they're really strong ones, if like that five step process, if you go through and you address it and then replace it, it probably be a little bit more effective.
Candice (51:52)
Yeah, yeah. So the five step process then would be like doing the writing the the facts of the story and then ⁓ looking at them and seeing like what would somebody have to believe.
Donna Kendall (51:59)
Yep.
Before you do that, what is the story I'm telling myself? Yeah.
Candice (52:10)
the story I'm telling myself and then
for somebody to have that story playing what or the belief that they would have to have to create the story so that's number three so then what's number four
Donna Kendall (52:19)
Yep. And then
number four is you're saying is that is that true when you get to that belief you question it? Is that really true? Is that true? That it's not safe to be me? Well, you know, I'm x number of years old. And I've had a pretty good life. And I'm not in that environment anymore. And this is just an old belief that, you know, that I've
created and people aren't really out to get me. They're not they're not out to get the people. When you come down to it, what you realize is things happen. ⁓ But it's our story of how, why they happened to us, we think they happened to us. And it's, it's really questioning that is that really happening to me? Or is it this lady just had a parking spot and really wanted it for her friend. And you know, at that point,
I can have a choice. then when you come out with that, what's available to me? Well, what's available to me is that, you know, I feel, I feel free, I feel free to be me. And then so when there's something like this were to happen again, you go into parking spot. Chances are that wouldn't happen again, but just to use that as an example, but you go in someone saving a spot, then you're you might you're, you might have this glimpse of, why is this happening to me? But then you'd say,
No, it's I am it's it feels so good to be me and I can make this choice that that's not what that's about. It's about them. Maybe she shouldn't have handled it the way that she that you know, I would have liked her to handle it. But that's them. just go find another parking spot. It becomes a neutral neutral like you. You don't have that emotional trigger. You're just you're you're just in a neutral place that now you can say, Yeah, it's really not. It's really not about that.
And when you release that energy, ⁓ you know, it's I walk on the beach on Sundays. And when I go on the beach, I ⁓ in the beginning, I pass someone I say, Hello, good morning. And they would like some people don't even look at you. Some people don't even acknowledge you. And it used to bother me. So now I just I'm just like, I send them love. just like,
You know, I don't know if you know, Ho'oponopono without this going on, do you know? Yeah. And then sometimes they'll say, love you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. It's not for them. It's for you, because you felt something within you. Oh, I felt like they, didn't acknowledge me. They didn't say hi. That's me. So I say Ho'oponopono for me, it releases the energy for them as well. But it will more importantly release it here.
Candice (54:46)
Yes, yeah, because I live in Hawaii.
Yeah.
It's funny that the same program that I was talking about where you have a you identify the underlying belief in the story and you write a new story and then therefore creating a new belief. She also says that when you're coming up against something like like for instance my mother in this scenario with the whole like I don't feel safe to be to exist right and so you can say to your mother in your mind or whatever. I love you or I forgive you. I'm sorry for the part that I play.
I release you and if you can say I love you. There's a lot of times I was talking to my friend about this I'm like, I can't say I love you yet. I'm not there yet, but I can say the you know, I forgive you I'm sorry for the part that I played and I release you and then eventually once it like the more I do that it diminishes and diminishes and diminishes until I can say I send you love I you know, I hope the best for you. I you know, I want Yeah
Donna Kendall (55:45)
Yeah. Yeah.
And you'll feel it and you'll feel it. You
know, I was so mad at both my mom's because I you know, the one gave me up and then the other one died and I for the longest time was such a victim to that was so mad and I just was not ⁓ you know, could only see it that one way and then when I released all this I had this just in the process because it feels like a meditation that we do and
in this process, had, I was at the beach with my mom that had passed and I was sitting there and this man came up and actually handed me my heart. Now this is in my meditation, handed me my heart and I really felt like that reclaimed. But then once I was able to release all that, I was just, I just got this profound love of, you know, my biological mom, she,
Wanted a different a better life for me She did not have an easy life and she had other children and she really wanted me how fortunate was I to have this other life in fact I just have I do a gratitude every day and I and I This week she's been on my gratitude every day of this. Thank you and then you know my ⁓ Adopted mom for just the 12 years. She was so strong. She was such a role model
How lucky was I to have that for 12 years? And you just really get, shifts your whole perspective, because you're seeing it through this pain, but now you can see it through this powerful being that you are, this loving being.
Candice (57:44)
Yeah, I think that's so true. And I think it, you like you said, it happens in phases where I got to a place with both my parents where I could kind of release the judgment of them being like, you failed me and you fucked me up or whatever, right? And go to a place where I was like, they were really suffering within themselves. They have a lot, both of them have extreme self-hatred, extreme issues that their own, they couldn't process.
Basically, you know, most of us are projecting stuff out that is really about us, right? And so I came to a place where I was like, ⁓ they didn't hate me. They didn't want to kill me. They didn't want to punish me. They wanted to do that to themselves. And I just happened to be in their field, you know what mean? Within their purview. And so once I was able to have compassionate empathy,
Donna Kendall (58:20)
Yeah.
Yeah.
Candice (58:39)
and understanding towards them, it's like it took it down a bunch of notches. And then I was able to say, okay, so if that's how they were operating, and that's the place that they were existing in, I can feel compassion for them. And I can feel like, you know, I can learn to start forgiving them as a process, right? Like I still may be upset and things that they may be doing current day may be disturbing to me, but it's a much different energy.
than being in that like, I'm so, you ruined my life or like you said, blaming and not taking accountability for things. So I don't wanna.
Donna Kendall (59:17)
And you know, what's
really incredible is that when you get to that process, you're going to come back and the person that needs the needs it the most is you to get because I felt abandoned, you know, my entire life. And then what came back to me is that I abandoned me. I abandoned every part of me.
Candice (59:46)
Yeah, yeah. It's funny too, because when we can, like that was one of the realizations as I was doing the ⁓ shadow work.
Donna Kendall (59:47)
Yeah.
Candice (59:56)
is like, you know, there was a part of myself that I was like hating myself, right? Or a part of myself that thought that I didn't deserve to live or whatever. And once I was able to start saying, love myself, I accept myself, I'm worthy of life, I'm worthy of existing and all these things, it was a huge emotional and mental shift for me and how I related to other people.
⁓ It's like not a magic pill and it doesn't fix everything overnight, but it was it was a huge massive improvement ⁓ and again Unfortunately, it didn't come from therapy. It usually came from these things like these meditations I would find on YouTube or these programs or people like following people like you on Instagram or tik-tok or wherever and picking up
Donna Kendall (1:00:25)
Yeah.
Candice (1:00:45)
the stuff that they were putting down in little pieces and little bites and integrating it on a day to day basis. And so I really encourage the listener to find somebody that you're resonating with and that you're hearing things and you're like, this makes sense. This clicks, this connects, and just keep going back to it and going back to it and going back to it. Even if they can't afford to pay for your services and get the full shebang, if they can start consuming these things in little bites on a daily basis and
Donna Kendall (1:01:04)
Yeah. ⁓
Candice (1:01:15)
filling themselves up, I do really believe it is a reprogramming we have to do of our subconscious, right? And it's, you know, people think I'm gonna go take ayahuasca and then I'm gonna be enlightened and all my problems are gonna be gone. But it doesn't really work like that. It's like a chipping away and a working over and over again of this. And you know, I was talking to one of my friends who were like, I wish, you know, like,
Donna Kendall (1:01:19)
Yeah.
It is.
Candice (1:01:40)
I wish you could just like process the thing one time and then it never come back again. But you know, it just will reappear and shape shift until you've really, really gotten it down, whittled down to where it's like, like the boulders literally turned into dust on your path, you know.
Donna Kendall (1:01:55)
Yeah.
Yeah. And the reason it can't because this was really ⁓ something that was a hot to me because I when I was going through this process, I just wanted I wanted to change now. I wanted this lightning bolt to come down just change now. Like, you know, I wanted to, I just wanted it now. And then the reason it can is think about it, you wherever age that you're at this point, you've created this whole
identity that now is attached to a job that's attached to family that's attached to friends that's attached to this environment that's attached to this house that's attached all these things are supporting you in this environment and when you shift everything has to shift right everything has to shift so if you were to shift right now
Candice (1:02:45)
It's like a domino, like an earthquake.
Donna Kendall (1:02:51)
just think how much around you that would have to shift. also, you don't have the tools. Because as those little iterative changes happen, you gain the tools. You gain the tools to help you to manage through that process. And so that now I understand why it's a journey. And that as you shed, you gain. And you shed, and you gain. And you shed, and you gain. And then it's like,
You have this incredible being inside of you. You're just chipping little bits away till you get to it. And it's an ongoing process. You're never going to get fully there. I used to think it was a destination. It's a journey. And you're just shedding whatever doesn't align with you that doesn't resonate with who you think you are. And it's a commitment and a process.
Candice (1:03:47)
Yeah.
Completely agree my my astrology friend lady that I listened to had said, you know If you were able to do that lightning bolt process completely transform who you are into this like fully realized self then Why are you here? Right? Like your life would be meaningless because everything would be perfect and then you know What's the point of this human existence so to speak? So Well, would you like to share with everybody where they can find you if they want to work with you?
Donna Kendall (1:04:03)
Yeah.
Yeah.
Candice (1:04:18)
I think your work sounds so, it would be so beneficial if people could do the work with you or at least learn from you and start implementing it in their daily lives because this stuff that you're talking about, even though I have found it through other people and little bits and crumbs here and there, it really has changed my life for the better and I think it can really revolutionize people's lives.
Donna Kendall (1:04:23)
Yeah.
Yeah, absolutely. I my website is Donna m Kendall calm. And my tick tock candle is at ignite your soul 22. And on my website, I offer the liberate individual sessions, which I've been doing for a while, I've I used to do some journaling sessions, I might be bringing those back up like weekly journaling where you journal and then we
we neutralize the things that are coming up. I'm getting ready to start probably in the fall, ⁓ a 14 week women's group where you go through and we have ⁓ every week we meet and then up to a certain number of weeks, I think it might be the eighth week and then we spread,
give you this now you're landed at this place where you you think you want to be and then we spread it out then in two weeks you go and you try and immerse and you it know integrate those things and then you come back and then we neutralize whatever's not there and then now we go out three weeks and you try it and neutralize it because it really is about releasing and then coming back into that place that that you are so that women's group and then also in the fall I'll be doing
another trip to Sedona. just took six women in April and we go to Sedona. We stay at a place and if you haven't been or know much about Sedona, a huge energy area. They have a lot of vortexes and so I have relationship with practitioners. So we've gone and we've done these
Tibetan samples that release the lady connects to the soul and and she sees what's going on and helps release it from a soul level and then ⁓ Shamanic breathing that just is incredible We go through a breathing and in that just all of anything that doesn't serve you just comes out you that comes out either in tears or in laughing and at one point we we got into this laughing and we were
probably laughing for like eight minutes or so. ⁓ Just it just was so infectious. And then we had another shaman come and help us with it was all in self love. So anyway, I have that coming up in the fall. So it's all in support of women of you stepping into it's doing what ignites your soul, it's living your life of what lights you up inside. And when you come from that awareness, you identify with life differently.
You know, not in this grind that you have to do the work. It's like what what really will light me up and what can I bring into my day that lights me up and what and now for me, it's extended into my body and my nutrition and you know, even the way that I take care of myself because then I feel good and that that lights me up.
Candice (1:07:47)
Yeah, it's all connected, you know, it's all reinforcing itself. I personally want to learn more about the Sedona trip because that sounds amazing. And a couple of my friends have talked about doing that, going to Sedona and, ⁓ you know, just having that experience because we've heard it's a phenomenal place. But yeah.
Donna Kendall (1:08:05)
It is it's just
so so incredible.
Candice (1:08:09)
Yeah, so, okay, well, I will put your website in the show notes. I'll put your TikTok in the show notes. I will make sure everybody can connect with you. And I really enjoy this conversation. I feel like we could talk for days and days about this stuff. It's so fascinating. And I think it's so important for people who...
Donna Kendall (1:08:19)
Yeah.
Yeah, we could.
Candice (1:08:27)
who haven't done any of this work to start to experience it. So thank you so much, Donna. I really appreciate you coming on today and hope you have a great afternoon and thanks everyone for listening to this week's episode.
Donna Kendall (1:08:37)
Yeah.
Yes, thank you, Candice, very much enjoyed it. Bye bye.