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The guys talk about The Chapelle Show and other oddly events in local life.
Hot Mic is a bi-weekly podcast where hosts Byron, Shaun and Adam talk about life, liberty and the pursuit of ridiculous situations and altercations. Any topic is on the table along with our beverages.
I'm conducive to help them grow.
They're plastic, but still plastic bonsaites.
Yeah.
Oh, hey, Top Mike.
Welcome.
Yeah, it is here and present.
Clear and present danger.
Hey, so when was the last time you had a homeless person ask you for money? I mean, Byron, you work in downtown, deep in downtown.
Sorry.
How many downtown has buyer now? I haven't had a homeless person ask me for money.
I did have a homeless person ask me for a cigarette when I was at the bar one night.
And then that turned into a whole thing where they were just like, because you're black, you won't give me one? I was like, whoa.
Well, you went like full speed on that one day.
He's kind of the chase shit.
It's like, son of a bitch.
I was like, I guess it is.
I'm blocked and I won't give you a cigarette.
It's because I'm a nigger.
I'd like, White lives don't matter to me.
Oh, man.
It was a fucking thing.
It was hilarious.
Were you there that night? No.
Who was there? God, no.
I think it was just a slow night.
It was interesting.
Why did it happen during the slow nights? Right.
Why can't it be during the busy nights when they get more action? But yeah.
When was the last time bomb asked you for like the other day? Yeah, 711 in my neighborhood.
Oh, yeah.
Well, yeah, 711 seems to be a hot spot, right? For you.
Anyway, never with the phone out.
We're just going to put this down now.
Anytime you go to the fucking 711, just take your phone out and start recording.
I'm just going to have like one of those little, like, I can wrap around my arms.
The body cam.
Yeah.
Because this time I got my car.
And if you've gone to the Hazel, you've gone to Hazardo.
Yeah, we met there.
Yeah.
So when you walk around the side, there's a big ice machine there.
Yeah, ice machine.
But like, ice safe.
So I was walking around the corner.
Tell me the bum popped out of the oh, he did totally just get the shit out of me.
It's like because there was a garbage.
Yeah, for real.
I'm walking inside.
No, I was like, walking on the corner.
My business is like all of a sudden he's like, hey, I have a dollar.
Fuck you for that.
No, you mean no, but you can have this crap in my pants.
I've never dealt with a homeless person asking for money where it escalated, where it's like, hey, have a dollar.
Now I got a dollar.
Can I have $5? Oh, that way.
Montrello's speaking.
I'm like, no, man, I don't have $5.
How about ten? No, man, I'm good.
It's like fifty cents.
And I'm getting close to the door.
Mind you, it's only like 6ft from there to the door.
And just like stopping every time, every few minutes, like every few seconds.
I'm like, no, no.
And as I opened the door and I was walking in, he's like, how about Ben Boo? Fucking seriously? That's fucking fantastic.
How about a smoke? How about anything? What do you got? What do you got? Give me your shoes.
Can I have your shoes too? But this one, if I was, like, hitting up everybody, like everybody the same speech, like, no.
$5.
No, he asked the wrong person.
He was this fucking big ass fucking Mexican dude, which is kind of weird to see in the first place.
He's like, hey, bet mo's like full.
Why do we have a phone, man? And just walk right in? I was like, how's he gonna have a phone? I really don't have a phone.
It's 2001.
Yeah, it is.
Plus 21.
No, I'm saying, like, you not have a phone.
Right, exactly.
Speaking of bums, in 711, I was dropping one of the kids off at school, and there's a 711 along the way.
it was a pool joke.
Got it.
Dropped the kids off at the pool.
No, school, not pool.
Well, dropping the car pool anyways.
Yeah.
So we're a little early.
So I was like, I'm going to get some coffee.
You want to get something to eat or snack or whatever before you go into school? Like, sure.
So we go in there and this guy was so when you walk in, it was like most 711s, when you walk in the door, it's like the counter is perpendicular with the door just runs along.
This one is actually in the back like this.
So it phases out.
Yeah.
Very strange because it used to be, I think, like a Jacksons or Circle K or something, and then they turn into 711.
But when you walk in, shelves items over here, cooler, it goes that way.
Over here is all like, the self serve and coffee and drinks and syrupies and shit.
But counter goes this way.
So first thing I see when I walk in, there's a counter dude.
Behind it is a homeless dude standing kind of like one of those rotating rack things between him and the cashier.
And he's like doing this side like that picture of Chat.
Yeah, like just trying to make sure he's not in his eyesight.
And like his eyes were going like this.
Yeah.
So his eyes were at nine and three.
So anyways, as I'm walking in, he does this it goes right back to what he's doing.
And I got a clear shot because he's wearing a hoodie or something with a hoodie pocket.
And I could see he stuffed a bunch of shit in his pocket.
Like standing there, I'm just kind of watching this, and I'm expecting at any moment like, hey, buddy, let's pay for the stuff in the pocket or something.
I'm just kind of like watching them as I'm getting coffee and the kids getting stuff, just sitting there, just like it's like watching a nature documentary.
You don't want to really get involved.
You just want to watch, see what happens.
They hunt by moments.
It's like usually I try not to spend more than 30 to 60 seconds in a 711.
I really slowed my pace to like three minutes to see how this was going to escalate.
just slow down.
Panning everywhere.
He's right there.
How do you not see him? I mean, have you seen most of the workers that work at 711? No, they don't give a or any convenience store.
I mean, half the ones over 711 over here by my place.
Like if you go there at a certain time of night, they're usually just outside smoking weed.
Yeah, well, this guy like I'll put it out smoking up.
That's nicer.
I got this distinct impression from this because I've seen this guy, several, none of them the guy that was behind the counter.
I got this thing impression he's either the owner or a relative or something.
Very friendly, very nice and everything.
But yeah, just complete fucking blinders.
Just kind of like looking everywhere.
But to the guy, he's in arms reach from him.
I don't know how he doesn't hear the shit, but he looked a little glossy eyed.
But not that he's probably doing anything, but he's just not completely unaware.
Or maybe he was aware and just not giving a shit.
Yeah.
Unfortunately, I didn't say long enough to see anything happen.
I mean, I got my coffee and was like, you sure you don't want something over there? Oh, did you see the thing to see something happened? Do you want to go to school? Get in eleven for a little bit street knowledge ingredients on that package? Yeah.
As the kids are getting up to the counter.
unfortunately I ended up paying for stuff and I was just kind of like still watching the guy.
He's just like just fucking in another planet right now.
But he's maintaining that like this while he's not everywhere else, whether it's meth schizo, whatever, something.
Oh, no.
Maybe just a regular person that comes in there and they've been told not to interact with him.
Maybe he's just a floor feature.
Yeah, he comes with the store.
Yes.
You take your risks.
So you reminded me of a couple of things, a how uppity some bums are like, you're going to fucking ask for venmo? When I was in college, I went to PSU, so I'm downtown Portland.
So you see it all fucking there.
I went to the McDonald's down there close to Pioneer Square and there's a dude sitting outside.
I walk outside and I have food and shit.
And he's like, hey, what's up? He's like, you got any money? No, I mean, are you hungry? He's like, yeah, all right, well, I got a chicken sandwich.
Fuck, I don't like chicken.
Well, fuck you then, bitch.
You're missing a part of it.
I remember you telling the story.
You're missing a part out of it.
You took a bite out of it.
And he was like, hey, I have the chicken sandwich, but I took a bite out of it.
That's where he was like, yeah, I don't fucking white chicken.
Fuck you then.
You ain't that hungry.
Wow.
There was the other one that used to come up to the campus, and he would ask people for money, and I would just watch it.
I'd sit there in the morning and just watch the shit show happen.
Because he was up there all the fucking time asking a quarter.
And then someone be stupid enough to give him a quarter.
And then it's like, hey, you got a dollar? Now he's going around asking everybody for a dollar.
Somebody give him a dollar.
It was a fucking asshole hassle.
Yeah.
Hey, got $5.
Every time somebody would give him money, he would just up the ante.
Cost of living, I guess.
He was on something, man.
bombs.
Bummies.
They're hilarious.
Some of them greedy shit.
My first day in New Zealand mean the group of guys I was hanging out with.
You into New Zealand? Yeah.
He told a story about that before.
Yeah, played baseball over there.
Okay.
But our first night going up the main street in Auckland, we ran into these two guys.
They're asking for a spare change and like, no, we don't got any spare change.
Like, grabbing our pockets, like jingling.
Because like, in New Zealand, Australia, their dollar bill starts at $2.
And everything else has just changed.
Like, up here, you'd have a couple of quarters in your pocket.
Like, down there, you'd have, like, fucking, like $5 and change.
And then they accused us being racist against brown people.
You told us that story.
I think you told us that story before.
Maybe you shouldn't be racist to brown people.
Yes, I've gotten told that.
Don't be racist to brown people.
I got told I didn't let a girl into the bar because she was black.
You see, she's out there and she's like, you're being fucking racist right now, not letting me in because I'm black.
And I looked at her and I was like, looking at your arms.
I just looked at her and I was like, yes, that's exactly why I'm not letting you in.
It had nothing to do with the fact that you almost fell down walking down the fucking sidewalk.
the racist white supremacist.
Same.
he divorced his wife.
Oh, my God.
That was hot.
Mike.
That was one of the greatest ever.
First episode.
First episode.
Was it the first episode? First episode.
I hate them.
My power.
Oh, my God.
Like, Chappelle, like he made cracks about Portland with the homeless situation.
I was walking down the street whatever.
Say hi.
This homeless person, he knew who I was, so that's how I know he's like a newly homeless person.
Speaking of Portland, I'm moving to Gresham.
Really? Yes.
Okay, how's that going to work? Well, what's the logistics behind that? I'm going to move in with my new boyfriend.
So that's why the rings missing.
Okay.
So a couple of weeks back I received a message at like 130 in the morning.
A couple of weeks back? Yeah.
Okay.
From a dude on my Facebook named Adam.
We know it's not me.
Yeah.
And I wake up to a book written on my Facebook page.
I present you this novel on my freaking messenger.
Now first off, it started off weird because before I got this message, I received a comment on one of my posts and it was odd and I deleted it because I was just like, oh no, this person just wrote that on the wrong post.
And I think it was just like, oh, I love you so much, or some shit like that.
And I was like, the fuck? No, you must be on the wrong post.
We just go ahead and delete that because this has nothing to do with that shit.
So then the next day I wake up to this.
Why don't you be Adam? Okay.
You like to read stuff.
Okay.
Make sure you don't like lick the lips.
Make sure you get all of the incorrect grammar just perfect.
Okay.
Hey.
I want to be with you and be in my arms.
I like you a lot.
I want you be my best friend and period boyfriend.
Don't be with your wife.
I'm turning your family part form you and kids and wife.
Please be with me and I'm bored.
I want you come down in Gresham and find house together way form your kids and wife understand? Do not say anything your wife.
I want you be with me find house together in Sandy somewhere near my sister house is I need work this out with r I'm single.
I'm reading those on because there's no commas or periods.
Siri sent you a text message.
I need work this out with.
Are you single? I need to see your face not your kids.
I don't like your wife.
I love your little kids.
Bring baby with you just a few while.
I need you stay night all weekend.
I support you and your life.
I want you in my whole life.
Thank you.
Love Adam.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Your comment.
My comment? Your response was oh yeah, how's that working out for you buddy? So of course you just soak the bear and kept it going.
Of course.
130 in the morning, who cares? Yeah.
I want you waveform your family and wife.
I want you in my life.
Yes.
the fuck.
What's? The other person I was putting them on blast for wasting your time.
Adam Parker.
Oh, adam Parker.
Adam porker.
I was trying to pork you.
Yeah, I was hearing the incorrect grammar.
I'm surprised he could actually spell his name correctly with kids.
You guys remember that episode of South Park? Which one? Where they had the getting gay with kids? Getting gay with kids is here.
He wanted to take you put your knees akimbo and take long rhythmic shitters.
Looks like you're trying to pull the fucking lever for start a lot more.
So when's your first date? I don't know.
We got to find a house aggressive.
I thought you said you want you to come live with them and bring the kids, too.
Not your wife? No, one of the kids.
One of the babies.
A baby.
Creepy at all, but only for a little while.
Okay, I'm sorry.
way.
I could have met him.
Or her.
What? Better.
Look, your cabinet.
They they okay.
They are? They yeah.
Awesome.
You always have the best stories.
Christine is wrong.
Did you tell her that story? Oh, yeah, I let her read it and she was like, bye.
All right, pack it back for you.
I mean, shit, with her relationship with Amazon, she can get a new husband.
even fit in the drop off box.
Yeah, that's definitely more cordial exchange.
It's somewhat surprising.
I mean, I guess it was kind of a little bit not really late for you.
Relatively midday, mid evening.
Well, yeah, well, I didn't see it until the morning.
I was already passed out.
Yeah, because you had a few beers in you after night at Rocksbury at the bar.
You're like.
Okay.
Came on.
Yeah, that would have been the prime time for you to dive into that one.
Well, no, it had to have been a Monday because the 14th was the day I went in for that interview.
Yeah.
And that was a Wednesday.
So I woke up to that on Tuesday morning.
I was like, okay.
Interesting.
So today we did photos.
We're just segwaying from there's no way to segue.
potential.
You can say yes.
Still holding for houses in this market.
What was the guy's name on SheHulk? Mr.
Infinity? Captain or something like that.
I'm just jumping out a window, fake my death.
Fake it.
Death.
Was that Mr.
Infinity? No.
Whatever it was, no, it was Mr.
Mortal.
Yeah, it's Mr.
Mortar.
Mr.
Mortal.
That really yes.
Okay.
Just going to jump right on out the window.
Void conflict.
So today we did Photos, and that was the first time I ever done, like, the flash photography.
Did I tell you how I got those flashes? No.
Trench count? No, I got flashes.
I got batteries.
I went on Craigslist looking for them because I was afraid I was going to get them in time if I bought them from like Amazon or B and H photos.
I was like, I'll just find somebody.
And I was trying to find something that was universal.
So anyways, closest thing I could find I found I found five ads and like three of them were specific for Nikon.
And Kid has an icon camera.
And I thought I was going to end up borrowing it, but I was looking for something that was a little more universal.
So anyways, two ads that I found were kind of what I was looking for.
One was I think up here, the other one was Lincoln City.
So I messaged the person that had them in Lincoln City.
I said, hey, are you actually out in Lincoln City? And they're like, yup.
Like, any chance you ever come over to like I five and persons like, actually yes, I will be going to Portland through Salem in a month.
I was like, nope, damn.
Well, maybe we can meet along somewhere.
You can come to Lincoln City.
I was like, hold you, if you want them, you come get them.
They were a little more pleasant about it and I was like, all right, I guess I'll just have to come out there.
It's only like an hour drive from where I'm at, so half hour before I leave, they asked me like, hey, where do you want to meet? And I said, I don't know, what part of town, what's a good place to meet? And they said, you know Lincoln City very well.
Yeah, I know you were just there.
You were there too.
But there's like that main parking spot for the beach.
It's like a little bit off the main highway, so I guess it's called Park B or River B or something like that.
I don't remember what it is, but I said this place and person is like, yeah.
And I was like, cool.
And they're like, how long do you think it'll or what time do you think will be here? I was like, I'll leave in about five minutes.
GPS says it will take about an hour and 40 minutes to get out there.
So I'll be there at this time.
Perfect.
I'll be there.
I was like, all right, so I was thinking like I've had kind of spotty reception then I just wanted to get this thing squared away.
And I kept emailing them first.
Every time I email somebody on Craigslist when they don't have a phone number is I give them my phone number so they know I'm a real person.
Yeah, because I know that some people will be like, I want to buy stuff now.
Like fucking yeah, Adam.
You get an Adam porker, it's never going to end kind of response.
Like, I like items you use for sale.
I will send you three times, ask for money, whatever.
Uganda.
Yeah.
So every time I reach out to somebody on Craigslist, I always give my number because I figure like, hey, I noticed you don't have your number on there.
You can reach me.
And this is, like, faster because emails so fucking seems slow to respond.
It's the new snail mail.
Yeah.
Person kept just only emailing me, and so I sent it twice.
Like, maybe didn't catch it the first time.
So I sent it again before I went out there.
Like, okay, when I get out there so we can kind of like, oh, hey, I'm over here or whatever.
I'll give you my number then.
Same thing.
So I get out there, and I arrive two minutes early, and I park.
And that parking lot, when you pull in, it's parking all over, but I kind of pull in right at the main entrance.
I think it's the only entrance.
I could be wrong, but no, it is the only entrance because when you pull in, you got to, like, go this way or go that way to park, but you have to go in or out of the same place.
So I parked right by the entrance so I could be like, here I am.
I didn't tell him when I was driving yet because I didn't want to just I don't know.
I don't know why I didn't tell him.
I kind of wanted to know what they were in first before I said, here I am.
So somebody didn't just pop up and surprise me.
So ten minutes went by, nothing.
And I kept checking my email, kept looking around for somebody just holding two flashes or whatever.
Every car that was pulling in, I was kind of, like, watching all creepy.
You probably backed the van in, right? No, I pulled up.
So I nosed in into the parking spot, and I was facing the entrance perpendicular.
So I was watching everybody coming in, and I was like, okay, they're going to the beach.
No.
Who's that? So I was eyeing every person that came in, and I was doing this for about ten minutes.
Emails like, I'm here.
ETA.
Or no, my next email 15 minutes later was like, ETA.
Nothing.
So I'm here.
I'm in a white Trans vantama by the entrance.
Nothing.
So I'm like, fucker, here's my number again.
That was like in the hey, I'm in.
This is the car I'm in, and I'm right by the entrance.
Here's my number.
Still nothing.
So an hour later, hour after I got there, I was like, I'm done.
If I had come up with a contingency plan, like, well, hey, since I'm in Lincoln City, I'm going to go do this, I would have not been so pissed, so pissed about it, said something.
We would have sent you to Dory's Cove.
Yeah.
So I'm like, at that threshold, like, hey, I've been waiting here for an hour.
I don't know where you're at.
I gave you my number a couple of times.
You can't call me or anything.
I don't know if I said that first.
Or there's another response, but anyways, you got mail up.
Then I get the flood of emails.
Like three or four emails that I had sent.
They were starting to respond to each one individually.
Oh my God.
Hate that.
So let me see, what was the first one? Hello? I was there for half an hour.
It was all I could wait.
It was cold and CL is notoriously unreliable.
I'm sorry, but that's it for me.
Not willing to try again.
Best wishes to you.
Are you kidding me? I was here for a whole hour.
Never saw you.
Plus you never told me what you were driving in or bothered to text.
I gave you my number twice.
That was my edited message because I started going off.
I was like, you fucking kidding me.
I could just imagine it's a pass, right? It's like walking past his van, seeing in there.
And not the only Harry has said, just go.
angry child.
Fuck anybody getting out of the car.
So I haven't dawned on me because about 95% of the people I buy shit from are all dudes.
So I'm thinking like, dude's not going to be worried about giving out their number and not going to be worried about the cold and all this other like being uncomfortable or whatever.
And I'm thinking like, this is a fucking woman.
Not that's an issue, but I just realized, like, God damn you, it's cold.
I waited for half an hour.
Craigslist is whatever.
So anyway, they responded.
I stood at the top of the beach access stairs for half an hour alone in the wind.
I'm responding to you know, I really did try.
My phone doesn't have email.
I didn't know what was up.
But your phone doesn't have email.
Hold on.
The fucking flip phone.
Hold on.
We're getting there.
Okay.
Wish I had been more specific or something, but there are just two beach accesses at the De River recreation site.
I was at the one that was closer to the river creek, like I said.
No, you didn't.
It's almost an hour round trip for me to try to meet up again.
I can't make it.
Sorry it didn't work out.
And I was like, hold up.
You just glossed over.
Oh, but you did have a phone.
Don't understand why you didn't attempt to call or text.
I drove all the way out here from Eugene.
Because I drove from Eugene that day.
Even though this wasn't really where I drove from.
I mean, it is where it drove from.
I was priming a message like, come to park right next to each other.
Come to find out they're just parked right next to each other.
I don't know who you are, I will.
So their ad, they had their address on there and I copied it and pasted it into an email to her.
You were going.
Liam neil.
I started to do that because I pissed.
I was.
And I was like, don't send this borderline stock here.
I was going to say, is this where you're at? Because I can come to you if it's like a half hour round trip, I don't want to make it an hour.
Why not? Another half hour? Yeah, so it's like, well, apparently where they were at because they were walking the entire way.
Yeah, they walked and it was like a five minute drive.
But apparently from where they're walking, it would have been an hour on trip, whatever.
But cars, the intent was like, hey, I see that this is your address here.
I'm more than willing to come to you if you're okay with that.
And so you don't have to make the round trip or whatever.
I didn't.
I had the car and drive, but I just put their address in and I was getting rid of this.
And I was like, no, don't do that, don't do that.
So I canceled it.
But it saved us a draft.
So then I was like sitting there like, what the fuck? I'm like sitting here thinking like, well, let me see if somebody else is selling some similar shit.
Nobody's selling anything.
And then I get another email.
It's like, well, let me see if I can call a friend.
And I was like, oh good, make an attempt.
And so we start getting the ball rolling and like, oh, I'm going to have this friend.
They're going to meet you at Moe's fuck that place and do this deal.
Show me on the stall where Mo touched you.
Well, all started when there was whistling during karaoke.
So meanwhile, this back and forth thing like, I'm going to send my friend, I was like, okay.
Like he doesn't know anything about photography or flashes or whatever.
So if you have any questions, message me.
I'm like, alright, where are we going to meet? What time? Blah, blah, blah.
Lot of emails back and forth.
And I was like, alright, I'll message you in my MoS or whatever.
And I'm going back and realizing like, I'm not missing emails that she sending back.
Like I'm just looking at the most recent one because of the way that Apple compounds their emails or whatever.
So I'm noticing I missed one.
And so I'm scrolling down and one of them was a response to the address.
I had accidentally somehow sent it.
I sent it and I was like, oh fuck.
Because I zip past her response and just went to the address.
I was like, oh, no, I just sent it.
No fucking clue or didn't care or whatever.
Wasn't a response site.
I was response to something about the guy.
So I was like, oh, dodged a bullet of.
Being a creeper? Not really.
But yeah.
Met with the dude.
The guy said it was this little old old lady who has like a flip phone, doesn't know I was right.
Yeah.
So I was like first like cold 30 minutes, bitching.
About an hour long round trip.
So all in all, how long were you waiting? How long were you in Liquid City for? 2 hours almost.
Yeah, because I had to wait for the guy.
Walked there from wherever she was at the drive.
I've been licking City.
They have cars I don't know.
They have beach bicycles.
So this is what happened.
Like I told her I only wanted to buy two.
She was selling Three flashes.
And I was like, I only want two.
And they were like you know, she was selling like so much piece, but at a discount if you buy all three.
I was like, whatever, I just want two.
And then she said, when you get them, there's like some rechargeable batteries and the battery charger thing in there and you can have them for free when you buy the two.
I was like, cool.
And then the guy came along and he's like, I don't know about these.
I don't really know the deal is I just know that it's this much for each or this much for all of them.
I was like, okay.
And so I was like, I think I'm just kidding.
Two and three batteries.
No, no, batteries are only if you bought the whole thing.
I'm like, fine, the whole fucking thing.
I asked the guy like, hey, do you know if there's an Atmos? Oh, there should be an ATM.
And Mo's, I mean, it's Moses, doesn't mean shit.
Is that a Lincoln City thing? Yeah, I go in there, no fucking ATM.
Was like, where's the next nearest one? They're like, oh, IPA or whatever down the road.
I'm like, okay, are you going to ride with me or you drive and like, I'll ride with you because I can walk.
I was like, fine.
So drove over there, went in.
Not getting weirder.
Yeah.
So I'm just transporting this gatorade here.
gatorade.
Would you like some? So then I fucking go to IPA and I'm like walking through and I don't see an ATM.
No signs to say ATM, like here.
Typically most places they have like some sign ATM here or ATM inside or something.
I don't see an ATM.
So I like, okay, I'll do purchase or whatever and get cash back.
Well, I make like a purchase, a bag of trail mix or something.
And I like, there's a sign that says, max, you can pull out this $40.
I'm like, perfect, that's all I need.
And so I go to get 40.
And it says like, no.
Why can't I get $40? You need to spend more than $40 to get for $40.
What? I was like, what? All they let me pull I was 20.
I'm like I was like, maybe I'll do this twice.
Nope.
And I was like, do you guys have any team? I thought I heard you guys have an ATM.
Oh, yeah, it's just right by the entrance where you came through.
And I was like, I didn't see no fucking ATM.
So I walked back.
It's like this fucking big the ATM.
It's like the pad, the dispenser, and this little two inch screen with like 800 buttons on it that's wedged between two pallets that stuck out like twice the length of the ATM.
then I had to spend another probably $6 to pull out $20 out of that thing.
But fucking dumbest transaction.
I'm not going to Lincoln City.
But it's still the greatest story.
Yeah, well, the best Craigslist story.
No.
Oh, no, it's not the best Craigslist story, which you've reminded me to tell when I was selling a particular item.
The kayak.
Yes, the shitty kayak.
I think you guys are going to remember this better than I do, but it's been a long time.
So what I remember is I originally had that twelve foot kayak or whatever it was.
But it was more like for a calm water kayak.
And I wanted something that was a little more rounded.
Like that would do some rivers instead of lakes.
Do some kayaking.
Yeah, do some real kayaking.
I wanted something that was a little more sporty or whatever.
Because you're really in a sporty kayak.
Did you guys remember seeing the kayak red? Yeah, it was red and it was like plastic or whatever.
But it was like really? Didn't she get stuck in there? Yes, I think I started recording it.
And this is when my aunt and I were sharing an apartment.
I had to record it.
Like, here, I'm going to try to get the first studio.
Yes.
So I was like, let me try to get in here because it was super small.
And I tried to get in and I was like, I'm not going any further because I'm afraid I'm going to get stuck and I'm going to have to fucking destroy this thing.
Because I stopped about halfway through my thighs and my ass hadn't even cleared the back of the seat yet.
Shouldn't have had that extra bagel this morning.
Yeah, all flies.
So that was a funny attempt.
So anyways, so it goes in the garage and I'm like, either I had gotten it for free or I spent barely anything on it showing you.
You probably got for free somewhere.
Probably.
I think it was the other one because I bought another one after that.
And I don't know, it's like a yellow one or something like that.
Yeah, it was like not fiberglass it was kevlar.
Anyways, so this one went in the garage for a bit.
I was like, I'll just fucking clean it up and resell it.
So as I'm cleaning it up, I had a guy say he was going to come and look at it.
I was like, cool, bring it out of the garage.
Clean cobwebs off or whatever the fucking.
So I'm wiping it down as I'm looking at the seat thing.
I'm like, oh, there's two little screws.
And then find out that those two screws are the seat adjustment.
So I fucking slid about another six inches back.
I could have fit in the fucking thing.
I was like, fuck.
Dude on his way here to come look at this.
And I couldn't tell him no, I probably could have.
So anyways, older dude comes in.
And I remember him looking at him a little too old to kayak or whatever.
He was like, okay, I didn't say that.
Then.
I was like, just thinking of this.
And he was like talking about kayaking and stuff.
And he was like, oh, yeah, I always want to learn these kayaks or whatever.
And it's like, all right, well, you might want to test.
My legs were too big for to fit in there.
You might want to double check and see if you fit.
He's like, yeah, check it out.
So he's struggling to get in it, but he's like doing this weird, like grinding, you know, grinding his asshole on his way in.
Because the way you have to get in, like your feet have to go in.
And like it isn't until, like way past you clear, like the middle of your thigh that you finally are able to hold yourself up.
Yeah.
With your arms.
You just have to shimmy your way in, like rocking back and forth to get your legs through.
Because it's not just like something you just slide into.
So he's like, wedging his way in there and he's like, this is going to be too tight for me.
Or so I don't know.
Because he was like tall.
He was like six five or something.
He was like really lanky.
But it was basically too long for his legs were too long for him to clear through it.
He got partway and he was having the same issue I was getting out.
So he had to roll out.
As he's coming out, he's like scraping his ass along the back of the seat or whatever.
And the rest of the kayak.
Do you know the rest of this? I think so.
But I'd rather hear you.
Basically, he couldn't do it, I think, right? He didn't try to remember this part.
I don't know if he took it or not.
No, he didn't.
He got stuck.
It wasn't going to work for him.
That's fine.
Get the Chris go.
Yeah.
So it wasn't going to work for him.
And he took off.
And so that's when I noticed a very distinct smell.
Like and I was thinking, like, I don't have any cats here.
That shit the litter box.
What the fuck is that smell? And I remember looking down at the kayak because I'm getting ready to pack it up and take it away.
It was like a nice little long streak of chocolate going down where dude slid his ass down to wedge himself either in or out.
I'm guessing he's on the way out because I'm sure fucking pulled his drawers.
Yeah.
And I want to say now we telling hold of the chocolate.
So he just needed to take a shake.
He would have slipped right in.
That's what he probably used.
And so I was like, oh, man.
shit.
I still remember the fucking text message about you talking about, I have to clean up some shit after this fucking old guy coming to look at the fucking kayak.
It was just like that's hilarious.
Oh, Craigslist.
Good old sometimes you just have a shitty experience.
Sometimes shit just happens.
Say go with flow.
Oh, man.
Yeah.
Fantastic.
Yep.
But we're on topic of emails, interwebs and all that shit.
Really? Yeah.
What a great segue.
Oh, wait, hold on.
What a great segue? You've got a library now, right? He really wants right now.
All right, so this show is just about terrible fucking segues into the next subject.
Maybe a great segue.
What a great segue? Locked and loaded.
Locked and loaded, yes.
So I don't know exactly what position it was in my company, missionary, but he's in the parts managerial, regional something or another.
But we got a job function that we're supposed to do with cycle counts.
And what are cycle counts? Just random bin inventory.
Okay.
Which really fucks shit up.
He sent out in the email talking about that we need to get him done.
Like people need to get them done and stuff.
And it's bad juju.
Not like whatever fro, but just like throws that whole racist comment out there for the whole fucking company.
Wide fucking sea.
I do.
Where you said what like something about like a bad juju, but like not talking about like curly hair or something or another.
You said something about a fro? Yeah, like a ginger fro or whatever.
company.
Did he write it like juju? Like J-E-Y or w j It went to my manager.
That email didn't go to me because I wasn't at that level.
I was right there.
He saw that and he pointed out to me and I saw that, but I don't remember how he spelled it.
But still when you say juju, I'm thinking like bad juju.
Yeah.
Are you saying bad juice? But how he explained it okay.
Is it the magic? Yeah.
Wow.
Just putting that out there.
Sweet.
So I could only imagine, like, my boss said he was going to fucking send a message out to HR about that, but I imagine several people probably did that.
Did the guy receive their wore glasses? Yeah, my boss, I mean, he sent it to all the parts manager but does he wear glasses? Mine.
Yeah.
You and your little glasses.
Kevin that's probably his response.
All right, well, that was hot.
you just listen to an episode of Pop Mic.
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