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Welcome to your weekly dose of The Psychedelic Psychologist. This week I have a deep conversation about healing addiction, finding hope and looking for redemption. Adam shares a poignant testimony about a long history of betrayal and addiction leaving him lost. Then he started processing and preparing for a psychedelic session. All things changed!
Adam is clear it was an instant transformation; however, he is very aware of the importance preparation and integration play in order to continue keep his family, relationship and mental health grounded. He describes being in his body and not being distracted by his mind and the intrusive thoughts that have been brought on by addiction and lies.
Adam is a true testament to healing and facing the fears we all have.
If you are looking for a psychedelic integration specialist please visit:
healingsoulsllc.com
The Psychedelics Integration Handbook
The Psychedelic Psychologist is a conversational-style podcast hosted by Dr. Ryan Westrum with clients and guests who use talk therapy to integrate Psychedelic experiences for healing and personal transformation. Tune in to hear people’s experiences, breakthroughs and stories of healing addiction, depression, and trauma through Psychedelics. Dr. Ryan Westrum gracefully and empathetically narrates real therapy sessions with people in their most vulnerable and transformational moments.
I would like you to take a moment in
your day to reflect, to reflect on
the mountain that you are climbing,
to reflect on the things you are
courageous enough to look at, and
with a breath in and the breath out.
I
invite you to take a moment to
acknowledge all that you have
conquered, all that you are looking
at, all that you are taking inventory.
Breathing in and breathing out, and
as you breathe in and breathe out,
taking this mindful opportunity,
take stock and know that
you are doing your work.
Breathing in and breathing out.
I simply ask you now
in this present moment
to wonder, to think and to look at what
it means to be on your healing journey.
And with no rush, no urgency taking one
last breath in, coming back into the room.
Coming back into your
body and one breath out.
Hi, it's Ryan.
Welcome to your weekly dose of the
Psychedelic Psychologist, where I
invite my guests to share stories
about their psychedelic experiences.
We cover a variety of topics
from overcoming addiction
and severe depression.
Finding wholeness and spiritual emergence.
Today's podcast, you're going to hear
from one of my guests, Adam, who just
recently came off of a fresh experience
that he's going to share with us.
Adam, it's great to see you.
Great to hear you.
How are you coming into today's session?
Very optimistic.
Enlightened.
Yeah.
I'm feeling, fantastic.
Optimistic, enlightened and fantastic.
You recently did a psychedelic
experience, and I know you and I have
been working on preparation of that.
Did you ever imagine it to
be what it was going to be?
I didn't.
It,, I expected some change, but I didn't
expect it to absolutely, restart my life
and give me, give me just life back.
I literally just, Yeah, I mean, I've
been, I was struggling for a lot
and, it completely changed my life.
What's the emotion?
I hear you laughing, but underneath
it I hear a sense of vulnerability.
What, what are you coming
up against right now?
Just pure happiness.
Can you tell me more about that happiness?
Because I can see it in your voice and
I can see it in your heart right now.
What do you hear?
What are you.
I, I feel relaxed.
My anxiety's gone.
and I have the ability to wake up and do
activities during my day without using
Adderall or like depression medication.
Like I can literally, I
can do, I can do the day.
You can do the day.
That is such a beautiful,
beautiful sentiment.
Before we go, just like anything
psychedelic, sometimes we start at the
beginning, finish at the end, or finish
at the beginning and start at the end.
Where was the experience
so instrumental for you?
What did that experience do
to you and what did you face?
In other words, what was
the mountain you climbed?
I really faced my past is what happened.
so the experience started with,
I came into the experience.
Can I, can I start there?
Is that okay?
Yeah, please, please start right there.
I would love it.
Yeah.
I came into the experience, with
a lot of baggage from my past.
Probably starting from, middle
school, if not earlier.
But really, I battled addiction.,
Starting when I was 27 with, with,
alcohol, freshly married, with
the absolute love of my life.
And I really lost myself in
alcohol, and money problems.
I was completely broke.
And I got sober from alcohol.
still wasn't happy all there, but, then
I switched to cocaine and had a kid and
I stole a lot of money, from my family.
And, yeah, it brought me to a entire spot.
It was hard to get up every day.
It was hard to like, get activities done.
It was failing my ma marriage.
My wife was gonna lead me again
cause I've been a terrible husband.
And I went to the experience, just with
all this baggage people I've let down
people I love, brought me through.
All these people and they just
made me face 'em, heart to heart.
And I woke up from, I started
coming out of the experience and,
I entered a new reality, like in
my head, with a fresh, clean slate.
And it opened me up to the world.
It opened my soul and
breath up to life again.
Holy shit.
That's a.
Yeah, a lot of courage, a deep
sense of respect for you, Adam,
and much, much appreciation for
your transparency emotionally.
That had to have been a difficult
experience to face all the people
that you've wronged, and, but yet
I'm hearing you also acknowledge what
your responsibility was and all that.
Yeah, it was, I mean, It was a
tough, it was a tough journey.
and I have a, have a long road ahead of
me to make repairs, but the fact that I
was able to face it and get through it,
like lifted this weight off my soul and
it lightened me so much that now like I
can actually catch, like my soul can catch
the wind and I can actually be available.
I can provide my full self to
the people I truly love instead
of giving them this shadow.
You say something super important for me.
Uncover with you, What does it
feel like to have a flying soul?
How are you embodying that in this moment?
What, what does that feel like,
look like, sound like to you?
to me it's confidence self.
I'm not questioning who I am.
I can the ideas I want without
questioning, , them, without being,
without being afraid to let it known.
I can love fully.
It's so great.
It really is.
Talk to me about that emotion right there.
What is that to love fully?
I can be my true self.
Yeah.
What is it like to fully love
and be abundantly engaged in
yourself and the people around you?
Trying to repeat that doesn't matter.
No wrong answer.
It doesn't matter.
So let's take a pause.
This is beautiful and we're gonna
really, I want you to close your eyes
right now and think of your children.
I would love for you to think of
your wife, Think of that emotion,
this soul flying, you, connecting
and, you know, showing love.
What is that like to embody that today?
Oh, it's, it's absolutely fantastic.
I'm literally able to give, Myself,
my true self to my wife and my
kids., they haven't had the true
Adam for past 10 years, 12 years.
And just to be able to actually show them
who I am and that I do, I just love life.
Everything about it, I really do.
And it's just, it feels so, So,
There's not even a word for it.
I, I appreciate that.
I can get behind that.
And knowing that you are in this
perspective, based off of a.
Therapy session with psychedelics.
Did you ever think it was possible,
the hub, hub, the stories, the
media, the way people talk about
the new renaissance of psychedelics?
What were your expectations going
in knowing that you've had a
history of cocaine, addiction and
alcohol, and now this newfound
soul that's you're walking with?
What were your expectations?
, my expectations going in were,
To feel chemically better, maybe.
just to feel overall, like the start
in a long journey to feeling better.
I still have a long journey ahead
of me, but I didn't I didn't think
coming out of it that I would
have, profound like life again.
Like I had no idea it was gonna
be that, that saving to me.
Yeah, saving.
Saving is a big word.
And realigning yourself.
Now, what's landing for you?
What are you walking with?
How are you making sense of all this?
Because words sometimes don't do justice.
Is there a body sensation that you're
recognizing when you, You talked about not
using Adderall anymore, antidepressants.
Tell me a little bit more about what
you're recognizing immediately thereafter.
This experie.
I'm light.
I don't have this deep down angst
in my stomach of, just being off.
It just feels, yeah, it feels light.
That's like all I can say is light.
And so I There's a clarity
Go ahead with telling me a little
bit about what it's like to be
light and this embodied feeling
of walking with lightness.
Adam?
Sorry, Can you repeat the
first part of that question?
I missed it.
It, yeah.
Pause.
What is it like, Yeah.
This is the nature of,
maybe it's the weather.
I don't know.
What is it like to be embodying the
lightness that you're describing?
It's, it's empowering
really is what it is.
I have this lightness just
gives me the ability to have
confidence in myself again.
myself, I accept myself, which all
leads to just me providing so much
more to the people I truly love.
So it's really just empowered me to.
To nourish the relationships
that I hold most dear.
So that's what it feels like.
It's empowering.
Sounds very empowering.
Do you trust it?
Oh, 1000%.
And what you going, Go ahead.
That's right cuz you can feel it.
Yeah.
I trust it because you can feel it.
Yep.
Yeah, I, I feel it throughout
my whole body, in my mind,
from everywhere and literally.
Yeah, well maybe it's a public
service announcement for
your, embodiment of your body.
, you feel more confident,
comfortable in yourself?
I do.
I'm, I'm more confident in my, in my
body and, , I honestly, I just feel
that I'm able to actually take care
of my wife and my kids, which is.
It makes me feel like a man.
Like I feel like I've been walking
around that I haven't felt like a true
man for, , probably the past 10 years.
Ever since I got married.
I felt inadequate, and coming outta
my experience, and the lightness and
the confidence it provided me, in
myself, , truly made me feel , like a man.
That's fantastic.
I'm so grateful to hear you reconnecting
with yourself, and when I'm listening
to you say it, there's a sense
of confidence but not arrogance.
Is that accurate?
Yeah, it, it, it's very accurate.
It's, yeah, it's, it's unbelievable.
Can you go back a little bit
and tell me what led you to
seek out this healing medicine?
I know life was difficult.
You had a history of addiction with
cocaine, stealing a lot of money from
loved ones, and what called you to
do that work in particular and doing
such, extreme, healing modality.
Yeah., I've been through, I've been
through a lot of therapy in my life.
A lot of therapy.
What led you to doing psychedelic
therapy with the history that you've had?
What called this to you?
Why did you choose doing psychedelics?
You had done addiction, you said
you had done a ton of therapy.
Yeah, I've done a ton of therapy
and addiction and nothing fully.
I needed, I needed something
to get me outta my own.
Something that a therapist, I could always
kind of, I had a facade that would protect
me from accessing my true, inner feelings.
And psychedelics were able to open up
my mind and body to really face and
accept these challenges that I've been.
In my previous life and helped me overcome
them, it was really able to open up.
Yeah, no, go ahead.
You were really able to what?
I was really able to open up
to accept them and face them.
Wasn't easy, was it?
Oh, no, it was, it was very difficult.
It was a journey and, I've, I
don't know if I've ever shed more
tears throughout the experience
in my life, but, Well, yeah.
And before we got on our session,
you had said it was probably the
most beneficial thing in your
entire life, and yet the most
challenging thing in your entire life.
Can you talk to me about the
difference of how fucking difficult
it was, but yet how rewarding it is?
Yeah, so I, it was so difficult because I.
Literally walked through my past
and I faced every person that I care
about, and I have wrongs so deeply,
and I had to sit with them and talk
to 'em and just cry, cry with them,
and face what I've done to them.
And that's like the hardest thing ever.
The people you truly love, the people
you truly care about, and just looking
them in the eye and just letting
it all out in front of 'em, just.
One of the hardest things
I'll ever go through.
But it was so rewarding because
coming out of it, I came out of
this shell and I literal, literally
felt like I entered a new reality.
Woke up.
And I think the first thing I might
have said was something along the lines
of, Do I have to go back through that?
Cause it was so hard.
But that feeling of.
Fresh life and full of energy and the
wind back in my soul, like I keep saying.
But,, it's the most important
thing I've ever done in my life.
And when I'm listening to express
such a beautiful joy and appreciation
for life, I don't hear vulnerability.
I hear humility towards the medicine.
That medicine pulled something off of you.
And what now are you walking with today?
How are you reminded of that?
Experience?
Experience?
What are you to honor that experience?
It is really fresh.
I'm honoring, I mean, I'm think,
I think about it constantly.
I think it constantly, I, I'm
always thanking the medicine.
My wife hears it constant.
How is she responding to it as a, it's
a great kind of digression for a minute.
How is your partner receiving you in
all of that experience, knowing that.
Trust has been a hard thing
for her to accept from you.
What is she trusting and
what is she seeing in you?
How is she responding to you?
So she's, she's doing absolutely
amazing and the best I can ask for her.
, coming into the, this
experience, my journey, she
literally had zero trust for me.
There's no trust.
I, I had ruined all that.
Coming outta my experience, she'd pick me
up, hug me, and she, she felt the energy.
We were sitting next to each other
and she felt just the new me.
And it just vibrates through the room.
I can feel it, cascading
throughout my house.
Absolutely wonderful.
She's, I mean, it's, it's,
it's difficult for her.
She, it's one minute.
At 9:00 AM one morning I have this
one Adam, and then seven hours
later I have this Adam 2.0 who is
what she wants and what he wants.
That's fantastic.
Yeah, it's so, it's hard for her
to like, I wouldn't say accept it.
She's got a lot going on to understand,
and it's my j I mean, it's my job
too to, understand that she's gonna
be, I mean, I don't know, I don't
know the words, but it's my job.
I have to understand what I have done in
my past and I have to, be careful of what
she needs and understand that even though
I feel 1 million times like a new person.
Yeah, there's gonna be some work, right?
Yeah.
There's gonna be some
work of patience, right?
Patie and integrating it and understanding
and compassion for her and not to try,
and I think that's an important point
that I would like to make and reassure
you is we can't assume that the person
that didn't have the experience to
understand the experience they have a.
To witness you and watch you in action.
They don't have to accept it as simple as
you did because you had the experience.
Yeah.
And that, that, so coming outta the
experience, I was very surprised we
were talking about expectations earlier.
I did not expect to be, feeling
and looking and just showing off.
So like, how.
It made me feel, the medicine
literally changed me for the better.
It found myself again, everything
short of dreadlocks, right?
I often like to say . That is so true.
No, Great.
I actually would look
good with dreadlocks.
Yeah, I dig it.
If that's the next stage,
you should try those on.
It might take a moment or two, or a couple
more sessions, but I completely endorse
anyone that wants to try a new look on.
Adam, tell me a little bit about
what you're doing to walk gentle with
yourself today, knowing that you just
are so freshly off of this experience.
How are you gonna hold
this with gentleness?
,
I'm, I'm gonna honor it every
day., gonna give gratitude for it.
,
but I'm also gonna
just give myself fully to everyone.
I love what a beautiful sentiments.
It's a deep honor to witness you.
It's a deep honor to walk with you.
Your courage and your transparency
is very, very respected, and I
thank you for walking the path.
Yeah.
Thank you for letting
me share my experience.