Subscribe
Share
Share
Embed
A celebration of life for my late mother on her 52nd birthday.
A podcast about growth and the rollercoaster of life. Breaking barriers one candid conversation at a time. On this podcast, I don't shy away from difficult topics and speak candidly about things such as mental health, therapy, burnout, difficult relationships, career and more.
Ep. 011
===
[00:00:00] Thuy Doan: Hello everyone, and welcome to another episode of Candid and Cringe, a podcast about growth and the roller coaster of life. So July is coming up. That is a big birthday month. That is the month of the birth of my mom, my Mẹ. That's mom in Vietnamese. Technically there's a whole bunch of other ways that you can say mom in Vietnamese... like Má. Um, but for my family, it was Mẹ.
[00:00:44] A couple months ago in March, I did a special commemorative birthday episode for my dad for his birthday. Uh, of course, to make it fair, we gotta do one to commemorate my mom. As you might [00:01:00] have heard in previous episodes... I'm not sure. I probably didn't talk about it at length, but for those who don't know, both my parents passed away in the summer of 2018.
[00:01:14] I remember them often, and I want to cheat death for myself and for my parents, by putting something forever, in a way, out on the internet. And this is how I'm gonna do that for my mom. We're gonna have a similar structure to the episode that I did for my dad, which is roughly, you know, what kind of person was she?
[00:01:41] My memories of her. Um, and that's basically the bulk of the episode, 'cause there's a lot of mems . There's a lot of mems. That's the abbreviated version for memories. All right. So what let's start with, uh, what [00:02:00] kind of person was my mom? My mom. So her name was Ngoc. People have never been able to say it. It's spelled N G O C, but it's pronounced more like N G A U P.
[00:02:15] Oh, my partner can sort of say the name. Um, he's pretty good when you say the name right after I say the name, when he's he says my name or he says her name right after I say her name. But if you just ask him unprompted, it's probably gonna get butchered. But, makes sense. People in the west, especially, they aren't used to the sounds that the Vietnamese language makes or just generally tonal languages period.
[00:02:48] But her name was Ngoc. When she died, I don't think she was 50 yet. No, she was under 50. So it's really weird to think of it as. Wow. [00:03:00] Like if it was her birthday this year, she would be over 50. That's like really bizarre for me. Um, but long may she rest, you know, long may she rest. She like, my dad was born in Vietnam.
[00:03:15] She was born in the south and my dad was born slash, raised and grew up, in the north. So you can kind of, it's kind of like this, uh. When I think of them being born in different areas of Vietnam, I think like, wow, was there any like regional drama and stuff like that. But, the most prominent way that the differences between where both my parents grew up, uh, appears in my life, was the language.
[00:03:46] Cuz there's different ways that you say things in the, in the north, like using Northern Vietnamese, um, versus using Southern Vietnamese. So she was born in the south. My mom was... [00:04:00] maybe she wouldn't describe it this way, but this is my podcast. So I'm gonna describe it how I want. She was abandoned by her parents.
[00:04:07] Okay. And left to be raised by her grandma, who she loved very much. She was raised by her grandma, you know? I think she was real pretty when she was young. Got all the, got all the men going after her, trying to get her heart. But, you know, she was doing her thing. Then at some point in her, you know, a early adolescent years. Like I'm talking probably around the age of 18? I can't remember exactly... but, uh, she decided to
[00:04:45] take the risk and leave. And her stories leaving are some of the greatest stories I've ever heard about like the refugee's journey, the immigrants journey, from their origin country to a [00:05:00] country that they have a better, they have a much better chance of having a good life. But the, one of the most interesting parts of her refugee immigrant story is
[00:05:09] just like coordinating, leaving the country without being found. Like I'm talking about sneaking in the bushes to the boats, using flashlight signs, you know, like Morse code type of style, in order to coordinate, like when it's a good time to go. That type of stuff. And then finally going, spending time in a refugee camp. Waiting, waiting, waiting for some country to accept you as a legal immigrant.
[00:05:42] Um, and then finally having Canada take her in, you know. Canada took her in, um, and she ended up getting moved to Alberta. Alberta. I've never actually visited the city that she was moved to, [00:06:00] but I have been to Alberta. Um, love the mountains out there, but she moved to Alberta. The way that she said Alberta was just, you know, use using a language that doesn't have the same sounds as English.
[00:06:14] She would say Alberta as Alber-taaa. Alber-taaa. Very cute. But she, uh, you know, spent her, I would say around her early twenties there, learning English and so on and so forth. I think also becoming religious, because that was one of the promises that she made to the universe, that if she made it across the ocean, safe and sound and to another country in search of freedom, that she would become religious.
[00:06:42] And she did. Not like THE most mega religious person ever, but, you know, religious. After some time in Alberta, she found her way to Ontario. I think someone that she was friends with in the refugee camp was, you know, [00:07:00] got to immigrate to Ontario and encouraged her, you know, via letters, I wanna say, 'cause it was real old school back then, to come to Ontario. And long story short, she was able to get there. And it was in Ontario
[00:07:16] where she met my dad. It's so weird. I, I, I, I have so much to say about her as an individual, but I just think, I, I, I know so many things about her that it's just impossible to mention her love story with my dad. But not it's... this episode is not about their love story, but just like very briefly. That's where she met him.
[00:07:37] Like, imagine two people fleeing a country. Never having met before in that country. Coincidentally, in immigrating to the same other country and then eventually meeting each other. And it's somehow working out. Amongst all the other people. I don't know why I'm getting [00:08:00] emotional. That's so weird aha. Amongst all the people that you could date, you end up together. Like that's wild. Anyways.
[00:08:09] And then yada, yada, yada, I was born first born child, bestest kid. Me. And that's how, you know, that's how her story coincides with my story. My birth. Very strong woman. Strong faith. Kind, warm, beautiful woman. So now onto my memories of her. I have so many. So many. In the episode with my dad, a lot of my memories with him were kind of like random, like backyard stuff, stuff about his work, 'cause he was, you know, a businessman. Um, and kind of like the tousles that we had as like both headstrong people, trying to understand [00:09:00] each other.
[00:09:00] My memories of my mom are very warm. Very fun. Throughout my life. Throughout my school. Throughout my phases of life. And they're just so random and beautiful. I can't wait to share with you. All right. There's.... The rough order is like from when I was young until now, but, uh, some things might be out of order.
[00:09:24] One of the earliest memories that I have of her was her making my grade school lunches. I mean, she made lunch for me in high school too, and in university, uh, but the grade school lunches are where it's at. So I grew up eating like hot dogs and baloney (bologna), shout out to Schneider's. If you wanna sponsor this, if you find this someday... Big Schneider's fan. It's not good for you, but big Schneider's fan. Schneider's baloney and Schneider's hot dogs. [00:10:00] Red, hot wieners, or whatever you call them,
[00:10:03] staples in our household. Uh, I ate them all the way through grade school, high school and university. Uh, I remember my mom like adding ketchup to those sandwiches, like baloney. I think that's where my love of ketchup and baloney came from. It was my mom. She stuck ketchup and my baloney sandwich and it's been the best thing ever.
[00:10:25] And I will not take slander against ketchup and baloney. But... small memory is I remember her like putting ketchup on my baloney with a spoon and like spreading it around with a spoon. I don't know. I just remember the sensation of looking at her, do that and even, uh, doing it myself when I tried to make my own baloney sandwiches.
[00:10:45] She also... I don't know where this came from. I don't know if it was a, her suggestion or a me suggestion. But, there was a time period during grade school where, instead of packing a lunch, she would make it [00:11:00] fresh and then bring it just in time for lunch. Like, like for example, lunchtime, you either... around lunchtime, I would just poke my head to look at the doorway of the classroom,
[00:11:11] and there she is, bending to put the little lunch next to the door and waving. Or depending on timing, I might like go out there in the hallway and look for her and seeing her come up the stairs with the lunch pail and the hot lunch. I can only assume there was a hot lunch because like, it can't be, it can't be because it was a sandwich.
[00:11:34] I think there was a period of time where there was a rice in the lunch, which would make sense to like go to all that effort, to come with a hot lunch. By the way... i, I don't know if I was, I can't remember if I was embarrassed about that back in the day. Again, I don't remember where the origins of that like ritual came from, but as an adult, I think it's, I, I think of it rather tenderly. [00:12:00] So many memories revolving around food because she was such a great cook. Um, going to the grocery store with her!
[00:12:06] Growing up, we went to the grocery store with her, like whatever kid was available, but I feel like I was there all the time. Back in the day, there was like Price Choppers. I don't think that exists anymore. Price Choppers for like more North American produce and food. And then the international grocers after that. It was always like a family affair.
[00:12:30] You know, some kids would go with my mom to grocery shop. Sometimes my dad would be there and some kids would be at home and we would like go to the grocery store, come home. And automatically there was a process. Whoever wanted to get groceries with my mom, we would transfer groceries to like the front step or like the front door or just inside the front door of the house.
[00:12:56] And then whatever kid was at home would transfer the, the, [00:13:00] those bags to the kitchen. And it was just like, consistent time spent together, even though you weren't like talking about anything necessarily. A lot, a lot of my memories are related to going to the grocery store with her. Um, one such not so great memory, not necessarily for me, but for my sibling was, uh, I was pushing my sibling around in the grocery store, like in the cart. Like, you know how they have the, you can seat a baby or like a little toddler in the little kind of basket near
[00:13:34] like where you push it? And then there's two holes that the baby or the toddler can stick their feet out. I remember I liked to jump on the grocery carts back in the day. So I would like, I would jump on it to the point where it would tilt, you know, like, like I was pushing it around. I was still in control of it, but I would like stand on one side of the grocery cart so that it would tilt up.
[00:13:57] And I remember I would get in trouble because it'd be [00:14:00] like, you know, your sibling is in the cart! Like, how dare you do that? I mean, totally reasonable, but I'll also had fun. But again, totally reasonable. At the international grocers. We, we, haven't always gone to the same international grocers throughout my life.
[00:14:16] I think the same owners, but they moved ... locations obviously to expand. But, in the very first location I remember we would go in and there was these bins or bags of dry beans, you know. And I didn't know it then, but I have a term for it. I think I just liked the, ASMR-ness of picking up the beans, like scooping it up and spilling it over very slowly.
[00:14:43] And I would do that with my hands too. And I would get scolded 'cause it was like, stop touching the beans that people are gonna buy, you know. But it made a good sound. So let me touch the beans ma! Again, along the lines of food, cooking with her. Didn't really [00:15:00] like it then to be very honest, like I would rather watch TV or do something else, you know, be on the computer.
[00:15:05] Consequently, I now know how to make things that she used to make that I'm glad to know that I can do. You know, for example, um, we were like a fusion household. So we, we ate a mixture of Western food, like North American food and Vietnamese food. And sometimes it would be like Vietnamese seasoning, but Western dish. She would make these bomb ass barbecue drumsticks.
[00:15:34] The sauce that she would use was North American. Like Kraft barbecue sauce. That's the only barbecue sauce I will buy. I don't care. I don't care about your Diana's... No. Kraft. Um, but she would marinate it with, you know, fish sauce, sesame seed oil, and so on. And it wasn't until I started dating my current partner,[00:16:00]
[00:16:00] who is white, did I realize that the chicken was not seasoned the way a North American person would expect. Not that it was bad. But, I remember when my partner first ate my mom's drum sticks, he would say like, this is so good, but it tastes Asian. And I'm like, what do you mean? It tastes Asian? And it just never occurred to me that it was a different flavor profile than what people would expect, cuz that's all I've ever known.
[00:16:28] Right, but delicious. Other things that I've learned from my mom... not like via recipe or anything like anything that I know how to do that she taught me, there's no recipe. There's just vibes. Okay. There's just, uh, kind of like a big spoon of that and like a little bit of this and a lot of tasting and a lot of looking. But, one of those things, um, on the Vietnamese side of things, like very Vietnamese side of things was, uh, spring rolls or more [00:17:00] accurately chạ giò.
[00:17:01] Yeah. like those fried beautiful spring rolls with meat, pork in 'em and shredded carrots and, uh, thin vermicelli and fish sauce, of course. So delicious. She taught me how to make those. She also taught me how to make her version of fish sauce, like nước mắm. Like dipping sauce. Uh, the only way I know how to make that though is by looking at it. It's literally like... how many ingredients let's see.
[00:17:34] It's sub five ingredients and you just, you start with water and you add things and you just keep looking at it and you keep tasting it until it tastes right. That's how you make my mom's fish sauce. And that's how basically all of the recipes... that not even recipes, dishes that I know how to make.
[00:17:56] That's how you make 'em. On vibes. I remember [00:18:00] making or learning how to make broth with her. So I grew up thinking that the type of soup, which is really like a broth soup, or I guess broth in general is not really a soup. It's like you boil vegetables and you eat that plus the broth that it made together, we call it canh (sounds like gun). But I always just refer to it as soup when I translate to English.
[00:18:28] But then when I saw soup, like in North America, I was like, that's not really what I thought soup was. Delicious, but just a whole other experience. I remember being taught how to skim, like, like if you were, I don't know if blanching is the right word, boiling, boiling. Like pork belly or some other meat. Uh, she taught us how to like skim out like the, I don't even know what to call it, but like, you [00:19:00] would get like dirty shi*t in like a residue from the meat and you would skim it out.
[00:19:06] And like, I guess the purpose of that is so that whatever resulting bro there was from the meat would be clear. Um, so an example where that is relevant is when you make pho, or foe, for the North Americans, but it's actually pho (pronounced sounding like a question and more like fuh). I dunno how to say it. That's where that would be relevant, but that was like a whole, like, you'd have to stand there and look at it and skim it and try to make sure that you didn't take a lot of broth out with you.
[00:19:36] You just had to take the nasty bits. So she, my mom was the person that taught us Vietnamese. So she taught us how to, she taught us the alphabet. She taught us how to read. She taught us how to write. She taught us how to spell. She taught us how to, did I say speak already? Like obviously, but not only that, [00:20:00] she also taught us, uh, I told you that she was religious, right?
[00:20:05] She taught us how to pray in Vietnamese, but not only that, like we had, we were tested on those prayers. It wasn't just like, let's pray together in Vietnamese then. No, it would be like, okay, on this day, I'm gonna test you on prayer number five now. So we would be chanting, memorizing prayers, and then we're vomiting
[00:20:29] it out. And I don't even know what the reward was. I think there might have just been only punishment and no reward, but that's how I know prayers in Vietnamese. That's how I know when I go to a giant Vietnamese prayer circle, I can say Vietnamese prayers on autopilot. No problem. One of the cutest things, uh, that my mom did.
[00:20:55] This one I'm ver I, I actually own things still with this special [00:21:00] characteristic on it. So she would, I don't know. It probably came from a place of fear, but when we were in grade school, my mom... oh, they might have even asked us to do something like this at school, but, you know, we would get lists of, of items that you had to
[00:21:20] like, oh, these are the school supplies that you need. Make sure your kid gets them. Uh, after we would buy those things. Staples was the jam. That's where you bought stuff. After we bought those things, um, my mom would go ahead and like sew our names into like, if it was like cloth, like a coat or something like that, she would sew our name into
[00:21:49] the fabric and that's how you knew it was Thuy's shirt. You know, it could have been her way to like, like if, if two [00:22:00] kids in the house had the same type of shirt, then you would know that this one's Thuy's and this one's so, and so's, um, it could be that. It's possible that we could have gotten mixed up between kids at school and in order to avoid fights, it was like, well, that's clearly mine because my name's on it.
[00:22:17] It's sewn in. I don't know, but she did that. Um, charact characteristic of the thread that she would use is white. She might have switched it up. It could have been black for like obviously lighter materials, but the one that really stands out in my mind in my mind is white thread. And it didn't just, it wasn't just clothes.
[00:22:42] I have a suitcase that previously belonged to my dad and on the suitcase is sewn his name. Okay? And that's, that's how I, you know, when people travel, they kind of put something special on their suitcase [00:23:00] to like, indicate that it's their suitcase? So they don't have to like figure out which black bag is mine?
[00:23:05] Um, so they'll put like an orange scarf on it, or a bajillion stickers or a giant sticker or special tape. For me? I know by looking for the sewn in name of my dad um, and it wasn't just sewing too. She would... oh, so we would have color pencils, right? Like the 60 pack or whatever by Crayola? She would tape.... she would tape put tape on every single color pencil.
[00:23:37] And then on that tape... like she would use two different tapes, like, uh, I think one's called masking tape, like that kind of like, uh, yellowish tape. Um, and then the clear tape, isn't there name for the clear tape? I feel like I'm totally blanking on the tape. Or maybe is that masking tape? By either way, one was clear and one was kind of yellowy.
[00:23:58] Um, she would [00:24:00] first put a little teeny strip of the yellow tape, then write our name on that strip and then put clear tape on top of that. So you had a protected handwritten label on every single one of your 60 color pencils for every single kid. So if you dropped your forest green color pencil, and some kid picked it up and tried to say it was yours or it was theirs.
[00:24:27] Nah, b*tch, that's my color pencil. Cuz my name is on it. Oh, you're trying to take my yellow color pencil? Nah, my name's on that one too. That one's really cute just because it was it's so it's so extra, but I'm an extra person. I appreciate thoughtful, extra. Mother-Daughter relationship, uh, very briefly. So she would always, mmm,
[00:24:54] say to me, and probably like every kid, but my brother, [00:25:00] or maybe she did tell him that too, but she would always say to us, like, I'm your mom and you, you know, treat me like your mom, but also I can be your best friend. So whatever secrets you have, you can tell me. And like, I just always thought that was funny because.
[00:25:16] you really think I'm gonna tell you my secrets? Come on, come on! Especially, especially not after, um, one incident. When I was, uh, I wanna say I was in grade school. Yeah. Grade school, kinda like, almost about to graduate to high school. Um, I kept a dream diary. Okay. I, I thought it would be pretty neat to like keep track of them.
[00:25:44] So you never forget what kind of cool dreams you got. So I had a little like square book by my bedside that like, if I woke up in the middle of the night and I remembered glimpses of my dream, I would, you know, flip to the newest page. I had a little pen and I would write just kind of like names, not [00:26:00] names, but like, it didn't have to be like a giant paragraph.
[00:26:02] It was just like, went to the park, saw a bear, hugged it, you know, like that type of thing. Um, so I kept a dream diary. But my mom was a snooper and I guess I feel like, I think of all, I think of parents like this in general, but she was snoopy. Um, slash maybe was afraid that I was doing some bad stuff, but either way snooped and invaded my privacy. She opened my dream diary and uh read it.
[00:26:31] And like, you know, sometimes I would dream about boys. I would just be like, um, I don't know, like I don't, I didn't know a person named Gary, but like off the top, my head. Once I dreamt about somebody named Gary. I'd be like, went on a date with Gary. Hugged Gary. High fived Gary in my dream diary. And then she read this book and then came to me with this book and was like, who's [00:27:00] Gary, you know?
[00:27:02] And it was so awkward. I was just like, mom, like, this is a, this is a dream diary. Like even if that person is real, nothing happened chill. But since then, I just never trusted that I could keep anything safe out in the open with her. Um, So we stopped keeping a dream diary. Even up to this day. I don't have a dream diary.
[00:27:24] Well, eh, actually when my dream is special, I do write it in my, my iPhone notes. But, uh, aside from that, I just let it come and go. Bask in it very briefly and move on. But yeah, the dream diary. Uh, did not treat her like a best friend, but she was a great mom. Uh, she talked a lot. She was a real chatter box. Chatter box to strangers. A chatter box to people at church. Chatter box to my dad, a chatter box to us.
[00:27:57] She just, I think she just loved people. I think she [00:28:00] just loved talking. Um, I know that she didn't like the idea of living in the country, which my dad wanted to do someday. Cuz he's a very country, quiet, low stress kind of dude. But nah, my mom was like city people, going around talking. She laughed a lot and she had a high, uh, would I say it's shrill? I guess
[00:28:27] so. She, she had a high, like shrill laugh, actually. It was kind of hot, like huffy, like, oh, uh, I, I, I, I don't think I'm doing in justice, but she would, uh, I think, I think chortling is probably the closest way to describe her laugh. She was a chortler. Um, she also liked to sing and she wasn't a bad singer, but she was a, she liked to sing with, uh, flourish.
[00:28:58] So it was kind of embarrassing [00:29:00] sometimes. Um, like for example, she was in choir, uh, for church, um, or sometimes like, you know, we would have like little prayer circles in Vietnamese culture. Um, and she had like a pretty loud voice, but sometimes she would... whether in a prayer circle or in the choir, she would want, she would like go for like a sick run, a sick run
[00:29:23] singing in a group. And it was always kind of embarrassing for me because like I'm very attuned to my mom's voice. Okay. And when you're in a tiny little 20 person group in a tiny little room, and the voice that you hear amongst the crowd is your mom's. And she's doing like a haaa (vocal flourish) like, ah, like run. It's kind of like, it's, it's a little cringe. It's a little cringe.
[00:29:50] Again, not because she was bad, it was just kind of like, do you really have to do that? You know, it's not your solo either, you know, [00:30:00] you're in a group. But it was cute. It was cute. She was especially fun for karaoke. Um, my parents had a 20th anniversary? Yeah, no, 25th! I think it was 25th. I don't think I was 20.
[00:30:19] Yeah. 25th anniversary, um, party. And during that party, my mom and dad went up there and did karaoke together. And lo, lo and behold, she did it again. I have a video of my dad just like doing regular singing and my mom crooning. But it was cute. It was cute. Romance was in the air. I have random images of her in my mind, like taking selfies really poorly, even though she's a pretty lady. You know, those like boomer parents take selfie, but like tucks in their chin all the way.
[00:30:56] And the angles really bad like [00:31:00] that. Um, I have an image of her in my mind of just taking a midday nap before going to cook for the day. Um, she had slightly annoying quirks as everybody does. As everybody does. She, I feel confident in saying that she was a compliment fisher. She'd fish for compliments. So let's say she, uh, I don't know, got her haircut or got her lashes done, or she got a new dress or
[00:31:35] whatever she would come up to you and be like, so do you notice anything different? And like blink, blink, blink, cute. She was like that, but it was like, it was never, I don't think it was, it never felt disgusting because she was earnest in... she was, she was earnest and she wasn't trying to hide that [00:32:00] that's what she was doing.
[00:32:01] You know, and it would become like a, a thing that we would laugh at after. It wasn't like one of those people that tries to get attention, but pretends that's not what they're doing. Like, no, my mom was like all about honestly doing it. She was also somebody who would get pouty if, uh, we. Not that we would forget her birthday, but like, if we didn't say happy birthday to her right in the middle, like right at the beginning of the day that she would go around and be like, ah, nobody forgot.
[00:32:35] I mean, nobody remembered my birthday and we would always be like, chill. Chill. I just haven't gotten around saying, okay, chill. So she would kind of like be a little bit of like a, woe is me. Um, or like, let's say we did throw her a surprise party after she would be like, I didn't think you guys were gonna do anything!
[00:32:58] And it would be, I [00:33:00] remember, you know, getting offended when I was younger. 'Cause it's like, what do you think? I am like a sh*t daughter? Like you think I don't just don't remember your birthday? Come on. But I think she just, she just liked affection, I think. And she liked to give affection. Um, and I think that's where her warm warmth came from. After some odd years, uh, kind of like in my mid twenties, I moved out from my parents' house and I remember kind of a shift happening in our in our interactions where she would get a little sentimental uh any time we would interact.
[00:33:34] And just, just from little, little things, like, for example, um, She had this thing where she would get touched, like moved at every little, every single little adult thing that I did. So for example, one time. Well, actually, she would always ask me to send her photos, like, what are you cooking today? [00:34:00] Right? Or I would just naturally text her about it because I would be like, you know, hey, I wanna make your barbecue chicken.
[00:34:06] Like, what's the temperature gotta be, you know, when do I flip it? Um, so she would get very sentimental at those things, like moments where it was like, oh my gosh, she's adulting. Right? one time. I think, uh, I don't remember if it was for her birthday or it was for my dad's birthday, but there was a year where I made them dinner.
[00:34:26] Uh, the year that I did it for the first time anyway, and I remember making my mom's like my mom's style pork chops, which is like a marinade, you know, involves a marinade that is very Vietnamese slash very Asian. And I remember she ate it and she was like, *sniffs emotionally* It tastes very close to mine, and I'm just like, well, yeah, that's how I learned it, lady.
[00:34:54] it was so cute. Another thing was, I'm just now realizing that this [00:35:00] is a way happier commemorative video, or I guess like podcast than my dad's. And I think there's, I don't know, um, different dynamic, both full of love, but yeah. Where was I getting to? Oh, the other adult thing that she would get sentimental for.
[00:35:18] So growing up, my mom was always the one that wrapped presents in the house. Like what whoever's presents it was whoever's It was from, my mom wrapped the presents. Um, and that's how I learned how to wrap presents but like, I never wrapped my own presents until... like the presence that I was gonna give to people... until I moved out.
[00:35:38] Because what am I gonna do? Like take all my presents to my mom and have her wrap 'em? No. Cause sometimes the present that I would need to wrap was too huge and too fragile to get wrapped at my place and then driven like three hours down to where my parents were. So I, sometimes I would bring the [00:36:00] present as is, sneak it into the house, and then wrap it somewhere where the eventual gift owner wouldn't see.
[00:36:11] But one time I was wrapping a present, you know, my mom's style using my mom's, techniques. And she came up and like rubbed my back or like patted me on the head, like good job, my little girl type of way. It was just so like... getting emotional again! Um, it was just so like on one part, like, why are you getting so touched?
[00:36:38] Why are you guys so sentimental? I'm just wrapping a present. And at the same time, kind of like, I guess she's touched because maybe she, she was moved that she taught me that? I don't know. But was [00:37:00] very cute. Um, I get a lot of compliments for how nicely I wrap presents these days. And I say, that's my mama, my mama taught me.
[00:37:11] My voice is so dumb right now. It's not dumb. I take it back. It's not dumb. It's just cringy! I mean, this is gonna come out depressing and there's truth to it a little bit, but also I'm saying this was a good thing in my family. And I wanna say in Vietnamese culture period, like on the whole, we are not a family or a culture where affection is done verbally.
[00:37:41] You know, like you, we don't, we're, let's... Going around saying, I love you. Going around giving each other a hug. I love you. Bye. On the phone. Um, complimenting? That's not a thing, you know. The way that we showed love in our family was by being there for [00:38:00] each other and like doing things for each other, like acts of service.
[00:38:04] Um, not because it was anybody's particular, particular, uh, love language. Maybe some, some had that love language, but it was just that the way that it was. And because you barely got complimented, I happen to remember basically the only compliment that I've ever received from my parents slash my dad, but relayed me... relayed to me through my mom.
[00:38:31] And it was this. When Thuy says she'll do something, she'll do it. So put a different way. My parents thought of me as somebody who kept their word, um, whose word meant something who was maybe reliable. So I, uh, I keep that compliment very close to my heart. Last two [00:39:00] things before we wrap. I I'm basically going through my notes that I wrote in Trello for this episode.
[00:39:07] But, uh, last two random things were a common, a common experience that people say is pretty cringe for them, between them and the parents is when you talk about the birds and the bees. That's sort of happened with my mom. And when I say sort of, I mean, like I started dating my current partner, like way back when, and you know, you, you do two and two.
[00:39:30] We're adults. The only thing that she said to me in the kitchen one day, very randomly not padded by anything else, just this. She said, just don't get pregnant. And I was just like, well, gee, thanks for your message! Just like what a way, just spitting that out. And, uh, I just imagine like an awkward person teetering on their heels being like, uh, so, uh, yeah, [00:40:00] just don't get pregnant.
[00:40:00] All right. Neat bye. That was the vibe. That was the vibe. Um, and the last good thing, the last cute thing is this is the thing that probably permeates my life the most these days is very... it's a sensory memory. Somehow my brain has associated a certain food smell to my mom. And it's a smell that I smell a lot.
[00:40:25] And every time I get a whiff of it, whether or not I'm the person who's gonna be eating it or someone in my vicinity is going to eat it, the smell reminds me of my mom. The most is cucumbers. I don't know. I don't know what it is. I mean, it was like everywhere in our life. It was in, it was in noodle soups.
[00:40:47] It was eaten by itself. It was stuck into homemade bánh mì, like, uh, Vietnamese sandwiches. My mom had a special way of peeling them. She would make [00:41:00] her own style salad with them. So now every time I smell cucumber, which I have often, I think of her. I think of her. That was my happy birthday Mẹ. Happy birthday mom episode.
[00:41:17] I have a lot of memories with her. They're all very fun. All very wholesome. I wanna say, even like the cringe birds and the bees thing, even the dream diary, privacy violation one... all very wholesome. With my mom. I don't think my mom... and my mom and I's relationship was ever really tense. She was always like the middle person in between me and my dad.
[00:41:42] She was always the confidant for the kids. So I think of her quite fondly. I am glad that she... my dad was a way more stressed out person than my mom. My mom was pretty easygoing. Not that she was never stressed, but I don't [00:42:00] have the... sad, lament, feel sorry for, my mom that I have for my dad, because my dad was a very stressed out person and a, a, a worrywart and always trying to provide for people.
[00:42:20] So I worry that he passed thinking of those worries. Um, I don't really have that worry for my mom , but the thing that breaks my heart about my mom's death is, uh, that, that a lot of people don't know is, um, when my parents were in the, in their accident. So they were, they were in a high (speed) collision car crash.
[00:42:51] I can't really say exactly who was at fault for legal reasons, but I think we have an [00:43:00] idea based on that vibe whose fault it was. But, uh, my dad died on impact. He was in the driver's seat. My mom unfortunately, did not die on impact. Unfortunately, in the sense that like she, there was a period of time where she was in pain.
[00:43:19] You know? So I guess the thing that I feel sorry for her for is that, uh, she was alive for longer than, than she needed to be. So, but she's in a good place now. Um, I guess I didn't really need to add this end part, but, uh, I don't know. I, you kind of can't have a commemorative episode about your whole life with
[00:43:49] your parent without having a part that makes you cry. That was my mom. She and I were often mistaken for sisters 'cause she's hella young looking. [00:44:00] Very youthful, very beautiful. That's my number one lady. Best cook ever. Best pho maker. I will not take any slander. No seriously. Like in terms of the slander with the pho.
[00:44:18] I'm so committed to my mom being the number one pho maker. Like I, I'm not even saying like for other people, I'm saying like for me, number one pho maker. I remember when my, my partner first was about to try my mom's pho I was like threatening him. I was like, if I swear to God you say some sh*t, like, this is not good, or this is not the best pho you've ever eaten in your life,
[00:44:40] you better keep it to yourself. You better keep it to yourself. But apparently he genuinely thinks that she makes the best pho. So it all worked out in the end, but I, uh, oh, I actually just remembered another memory as I was talking about pho. Very shortly before my [00:45:00] parents passed, my mom actually had made pho. Pho. And passed it on to myself and my partner, because my partner loves pho um, kind of like in these like Tupperware containers.
[00:45:14] So we brought it up. Some time shortly after I received that meal in Tupperware, my parents passed, but I had not yet eaten this pho. I think it might have been three weeks later, a month later. uh, we had frozen it cuz you know, it was gonna be a while. We came across a conundrum. It was like, do I eat? Do I eat the last pho she ever made?
[00:45:44] No. Cause like if I don't eat it it's preserved forever. And I mean, I guess technically in some day, some day would decay, but I mean, I don't know how long would frozen noodle soup slash broth last. Eventually [00:46:00] we decided to eat it because you know, it wasn't gonna last forever. We decided to eat it. And I took, I think I took photos or video of me eating the last, pho she ever made.
[00:46:17] And I think there's leftover frozen broth in the freezer still. And like, I realize that that's probably gonna die someday soon, but it kind of makes me feel better that there's like remnants of her cooking in the back of my freezer. While at the same time, having been able to eat her last pho. So I kind of forgot about that being there until I started talking about her being the pho best pho maker.
[00:46:50] That was my mom. My friends thought highly of her when I was growing up, she would randomly give my lady girlfriends [00:47:00] costume jewelry as gifts. I doubt any of my friends at the time ever wore them, but it was still very cute. One of my friends had mentioned to me in the last few years that they remember that my mom did.
[00:47:16] Uh, she was always very, very approachable. She was the, definitely the approachable parent among my two parents. She was the best. She was the best. I would definitely say that our family revolved around her. She was the pillar. She was the sun. You know, if anyone watched Boruto, you know, house, uh, mini snake, man, basically, Orochimaru's son likes to call
[00:47:43] Naru... Not Naruto... Boruto his sun? Yeah, the son. sun. Was the sun. That's it! That was my, this is the real, that's it. Real conclusion to the commemorative episode for my mom. [00:48:00] She would be okay. Now I gotta do math. She would be 52 in mid-July by the time this comes out, this should come out the week of my mom's birthday. A happy birthday to
[00:48:13] you mom. Happy birthday Mẹ, uh, for turning 52. 52. You're the best. And I think of you very often. I love you, and I'll see you sometime later in life. Toodaloo mom and toodaloo friends. Thanks. Bye bye.