The Viktor Wilt Show

The Halloween edition of Traffic School was less a radio show and more a full-blown supernatural meltdown hosted from the eye of a cursed roundabout. The episode began in total confusion, with Viktor Wilt—insisting everyone call him “Victoria”—fumbling through microphones and mascara while Lieutenant Crain, ever the voice of law and reason, tried to keep the broadcast from turning into a spectral HR violation. Within moments, we were knee-deep in existential drag comedy: Viktor, “a very busy woman” for the day, preparing for his on-air makeover while bragging about his “winter sock enhancements,” and Crain sighing the sigh of a man who’s seen too much both on the road and in the studio.

As the Halloween chaos mounted, the phone lines exploded with callers clearly possessed by the spirit of absurdity. First up: Bronson, dressed as “a guy spreading pestilence and disease because his coworkers didn’t believe he was sick”—a costume so meta that Viktor declared it “the embodiment of 2020s office culture.” From there, the discussion veered into whether hanging an air freshener from your rearview mirror could get you arrested, a tangent that devolved into jokes about eight balls, marijuana leaves, and drug-sniffing ferrets. Crain somehow managed to explain real traffic law amidst all this, proving once again that the man can dispense legal wisdom even while surrounded by chaos demons and glitter.

Next came the ghostly voice of “John F. Kennedy, risen from the dead,” who called in to complain about Idaho school zones that never end. Crain advised him to sell his house, Viktor demanded new FCC rules, and the ghost of Camelot himself might have gotten a ticket had the show lasted another minute. They then dove into the geometry of yellow lights, where Crain casually revealed that timing formulas involve “the greater of six divided by T,” prompting everyone to collectively relive math trauma from high school. By this point, the energy in the studio felt like a séance conducted inside a traffic cone factory.

Just as Viktor began receiving his on-air makeup session from Becca—who critiqued his fake breasts live on the mic—Patrick called in to ask the ethical and legal implications of spiking someone’s drink “as a prank.” Crain responded with a story about his wife accidentally giving a liquor candy to a kid, which somehow made the entire thing sound like a PSA from the Twilight Zone. Viktor, meanwhile, cackled like a witch while Becca adjusted his eyeliner, and Crain quietly muttered, “It’s gonna take more than lighting to fix this project up.”

Then came the haunted house caller—a philosopher of the weird—who asked if the hosts would rather visit a fake haunted house or a real one filled with angry ghosts. Crain bravely chose the real one, Viktor removed his wig mid-broadcast and declared himself “a bald man in a skirt,” and Becca admitted she doesn’t do haunted attractions unless the ghosts are unionized. Somewhere in the background, Logan—the show’s eternally bewildered engineer—just sighed into his console as the studio turned into an improv nightmare about spiritual liability and spectral assault.

The final act was pure pandemonium: a mystery caller confessed to driving 93 miles per hour while on the phone with the cop in the room. Crain threatened to “see what happens if you keep that up,” Viktor laughed like a Halloween witch who’s legally liable for none of this, and Becca just kept blending foundation over his panic. The show closed with Viktor reminiscing about scaring babies with a rabbit skull mask—something he found hilarious and everyone else found deeply concerning—and Crain reminding listeners not to actually commit crimes, even festive ones.

In the end, Traffic School: Halloween Edition transcended the limits of radio. It wasn’t just a show—it was a séance for the absurd, a haunted courtroom presided over by Lieutenant Crain, where Viktor Wilt’s alter ego Victoria waged war against sanity, law, and good taste. Ghosts were called, wigs were removed, the FCC trembled, and somewhere deep in Idaho, a listener whispered, “This… this is what public safety sounds like.”

What is The Viktor Wilt Show?

The Viktor Wilt Show daily recap! If you miss the show weekdays from 6A-10A MST, you've come to the right place.

Yo, everybody. It's ... Oh, look at that, we've got the police in the house. You can go ahead and turn on Mic Two Logan, for a little bit of Traffic School, powered by-

I have no idea what we have in this house. [laughs]

What are you talking about?

[laughing] I'm talking.

[laughs]

I, I'm not quite ready. I'll have a, you know ... Hopefully my lady's gonna come by and help me put on my makeup.

[laughs]

But, uh ...

You're supposed to do that before you leave the house.

I know but, uh, you know, I'm a, I'm a very busy woman-

[laughs]

... Lieutenant Crane. [laughs]

[laughs]

Lots that has to be done around here on Halloween day. Uh, what are you supposed to be?

[laughs]

Just me.

Just you?

Yeah. [laughs]

I'm very disappointed that you didn't come dressed as, like, a, you know, fireman or something.

I thought I was coming whining and complaining be a Victor.

Oh. [laughs]

[laughs]

All right, there you go. There you go. If you want to wear my hoodie, you can take the hat off, put on a hoodie, and then you're me.

[laughs]

You could draw a beard on. [laughs] So, everybody, we're getting ready for Traffic School, powered by The Advocates Injury Attorneys. 208-535-1015 gonna be the number to call. And, uh, yeah, I did also make a post on the Facebook group, but, you know, I might be getting my makeup done while we do this show, so it could be a little bit difficult for me to navigate. So, I recommend you call and join us live after the break for Traffic School, powered by The Advocates, the Halloween edition. Hope you'll join us for some fun. And, uh, Logan, go ahead and ... Green button. Welcome to Traffic School, powered by The Advocates Injury Attorneys. 208-535-1015, the number to call if you wanna ask me, Lieutenant Crane, or Logan a question about anything. It's Halloween, we can get a little bit wild, but it's generally law-related. But we, we can have a little bit of fun. You know, we're, we're getting a little weird up in here. So, again, 208-535-1015, the number to call. Uh, yeah, go ahead and give us a little bit of that Halloween music action til we get some calls, Logan. Lieutenant Crane, I'm sure that you would have some Halloween advice for, you know, people in general, kids, this and that.

So, just, you, uh ... Pot up, pot number nine, the prod one.

Yep.

Yeah. And even crank it way up, probably.

Watch ... Watch for cars, kids. [siren wailing] And don't harass the old people. [laughs]

Don't harass the old people.

[laughs]

Oh, my goodness.

Like Victor. [laughs]

Hey, am I harassing you right now, is what you're saying?

Well, well, no.

[laughs]

I get ... I don't want any incidents from people coming and knocking on your door and running.

Okay. Uh, it ... No ding-dong ditch, kids.

[laughs]

Just, just don't do it. All right, you can go ahead and, uh, answer that call. And then just, uh, go ahead and pause the YouTube video. [laughs] All right, caller-

[clears throat]

... you are live on the air. We're doing live training, we're doing Halloween. Who's this?

This is Bronson.

Bronson, what you got for Traffic School, powered by The Advocates?

Well, at first I thought I'd describe my, uh, Halloween costume.

Excellent.

Um, I'm going as a regular guy who's gonna spread pestilence and disease because his coworkers didn't think he was actually sick.

[laughs] Oh, that's great.

[laughs]

Dealt with many of those, [laughs] you know, over my years. It's how I always end up getting COVID. [laughs]

Mm-hmm. Yep, yep.

Very nice.

So-

That, that's what Lieutenant Crane's dressed up as, too.

The COVID? [laughs]

[laughs]

Super ... A super spreader. [laughs]

[laughs]

Oh.

That's pretty funny. So-

So, so what you got for a question, man?

I ... So, I was reading a website, Weird, Weird Laws, and I was like, okay, I don't have anything to do.

[laughs] Sounds like it.

And it said that- [laughs]

[laughs]

Well, there's nothing else to do at work.

[laughs]

We need an application. I think Victor would fit right into your program. [laughs]

[laughs]

That is true.

To na- ... Today, my name's Victoria.

Oh, sorry, Victoria.

[laughs] That's right.

My niece is Victoria, I can't go there. [laughs]

[laughs]

It'll run up forever.

[laughs]

So, it said that hanging something from your r- rearview window was illegal. Like, like your little air freshener. [laughs]

Rearview window or mirror?

I think you can get the-

Rearview mirror?

Rear, rearview mirror, yeah.

Yeah.

Mirror. [laughs]

Yeah, that's not the case.

And I-

I was gonna say, if so, Becca's in a lot of trouble.

[laughs]

She's got about a million things hanging off that thing.

Yeah.

Well, how about your car and those two eight balls?

[laughs] Now, could you ... [laughs]

My, my-

[laughs]

I'm the only balls in this car.

[laughs]

Oh, dude. Inappropriate. Inappropriate.

Why are the cops asking me about drugs, when I got this marijuana leaf and two eight balls?

[laughs]

I don't get it.

[laughs]

They're picking on me.

Well, never ... And, and that's what they said. They were like, "Your fuzzy dice can get you arrested." And I was like, "I have never heard that."

No, it just gets you profiled. [laughs]

[laughs] Yeah, exactly.

[laughs]

Yeah. [laughs]

It's the smell in the vehicle you gotta worry about.

[laughs]

Well, yeah, I'm-

Did you hear they're coming out with that new odorl- odorless marijuana?

Odorless marijuana?

Yeah.

Really?

No, I've never heard of that.

How's that possible?

[laughs] Right? And Logan's like, "How do I get some?" [laughs]

[laughs]

[laughs] Yo, where, where, where'd he get this from?

[laughs] Every listener now, "Where?" [laughs]

[laughs] Oh. That's a joke, folks.

Cop humor.

So, I just got-

A little bit of cop humor.

Yeah. [laughs]

Kind of like the drug-sniffing horse.

[laughs]

[laughs] Oh.

I'd get a ferret.

The police-

A drug-sniffing ferret?

Yeah, they can go anywhere.

Yeah, you just set it loose in the vehicle.

Yeah.

That ... Yeah, they can go anywhere.[laughs] all right, don't be giving the state more ideas, all right?

[laughs]

So, you're saying I won't get pulled over if I have my, my little Deadpool air freshener-

The only thing that's gonna cause you a problem is-

... hanging from my rear view mirror

... where that becomes illegal is if it's big enough that it's blocking your vision out the front windshield.

Oh. Okay, no.

All right.

I just, I just didn't wanna get pulled over because somebody didn't like Deadpool.

[laughs]

That's the law. [laughs]

[laughs] Well, cool, man.

Okay.

Appreciate the call, bronze.

You guys have a great day.

You enjoy your Halloween, man.

Oh, I will.

And get us that application for Victoria.

Yes.

I will.

[laughs]

I need extra money.

You ain't gonna make any [laughs] doing what you're doing.

Well-

[laughs]

[laughs] Going to the club.

That's illegal, too. [laughs]

[laughs]

Well, just think, Jade made it, so, you know-

Yeah

... somebody's gotta be able to make it.

Did you see Jade's costume?

Oh, please.

[laughs] It, it's not as good as mine.

[laughs] Tell me it's not true.

[laughs] He's not dressed up like me-

Oh, good

... he's got, uh, a theme going that, uh, I would assume you heard the story about his, uh, UTV-

Crash

... you know, fire-

Yeah

... situation? So, he's a fire man-

... but he's, he's fire.

[laughs] Because of that thing show?

He's on fire. [laughs]

Boom, "Wow. Look at that thing burn." [laughs]

[laughs] He showed you the video of that, didn't he?

Yeah.

Yeah. Crazy, crazy. Well-

Just box it up and take it back to Best Buy, tell them it's the, that's the way it came. [laughs]

[laughs] Well, appreciate the call, dude. You enjoy your, your Halloween.

Thank you, guys. See you later. Bye.

Peace. All right, do we have any other people calling?

Oh, geez, yeah.

All right. Oh, and by the way, if any listeners are inappropriate, uh, that big bright red button.

Yeah?

Hit it.

Okay.

And you listeners better not be inappropriate. Logan's training, be nice.

[laughs]

All right, who's this?

Hey, Rod, this is, uh, John F. Kennedy, risen from the dead.

John F. Kennedy-

[laughs]

... back from the dead.

[laughs]

Excellent, excellent. I'd vote for you.

That's, that's not what your radio station can do for you, but ask, uh, what you can do for your radio station.

I think that's a different president. [laughs]

[laughs] I was gonna say, "What can you do for a radio station?"

I, uh, I didn't do well in school, but I know that one. [laughs]

[laughs] Could you change the FCC rules, please?

I could be, uh, Diamond Joe Quimby also. [laughs]

[laughs]

I guess I better have my question, huh? Uh, this is school zone related, uh, different from the one you had last week. Um, most of them have a start and a finish. There's a sign that usually says "End of School Zone." On my route, there's at least four schools. There is no end of school zone.

Sell your house. [laughs]

You can seriously drive down the road 20 miles, and you'll never see an end of school zone sign anywhere. [laughs] So, in that situation, you know, what logic should I use to determine when I can go back to the regular speed?

So, you're posted at the 20 mile an hour speed limit zone until the next black and white speed sign is presented.

Oh, the next... Oh, like, regular speed limit sign?

Yeah.

Okay. All right, well, that clears the air on that one. Uh, here's another question that's kind of more of a joke question. I kind of think I already know the answer to this. When you're going northbound on Woodruff and Idaho Falls, where it intersects with 17th, and you wanna make a left turn at that light, they have that stupid median there. I don't even know why it's there. It's pointless. And there's always people in the, at the red light in the left lane that prevent you from getting over into the left turn lane, so I end up having to sit there for like 34 freaking, you know, cycles of-

Hit that red button, just in case.

It was, it was good. It was good. [laughs]

Okay.

Yeah.

All right.

It did-

You made me nervous.

It had an R in it.

Oh, a freaking.

Yeah.

Okay.

All right.

Good.

Lieutenant Crane hears better than me, so... [laughs]

[laughs]

I listen to my mother better, too. [laughs]

Absolutely. [laughs]

[laughs] So, my question is, uh, can I legally just, like, drive over that median? I promise to be gentle.

Uh, you can't do it, unfortunately. And I have to tell you what, that used to be, uh, obnoxious intersection that you really couldn't move, uh, traffic through. But they've done the traffic studies, and, uh, man, it's working better.

It's definitely better-

Yeah

... than it was.

[laughs]

'Cause I, I travel that route every day, so...

I was showing Victor earlier, uh, our good friends at ITD, and once again, wonderful people, know what they're doing. We were talking about time and distance with yellow lights, and he said... Well, he didn't say. He sent me the mathematics behind how they come up with speed and distance-

Oh, yeah.

... for yellow lights. I don't know how I share that on the radio and make it come out.

Yeah, it's not quite as simple as, you know, one second per 10 miles an hour.

No. Six... The greater of six divided by T. [laughs]

It's one of those, like, questions you got in school that you're like, "I'm never gonna use this again."

[laughs]

Yeah, you have to be, like, the guy setting the lights for an entire city-

Yeah

... to use that kind of math.

Or you say, "I can miss this one and still get an 86." [laughs]

That's how you get the big bucks. You're like, "I've got a very important scientific formula for how our lights should be done." And then they show them that, and they're like, "All right, dude, just... You have the job."

[laughs]

"All right? Just go for it."

And you're thinking, "I could miss that and still get a 68." [laughs]

[laughs] That's right.

[laughs]

Well, well, I appreciate the call today, man, and hope you have a good one.

Oh, you too. Happy Halloween, guys.

You too, man.

Happy Halloween.

Thanks.

Are you getting excited for your make-up, or what's going on? [laughs]

Yeah, I gotta have... I, I figure Becca will need some lighting if she's coming by. She might be scared. You know, it's Halloween.

Thank goodness.

But, uh, yeah. I, I gotta make sure she's got some good light to, uh, make me up.

It's gonna take more than good light to fix this project up. [laughs]

[laughs] All right, KBAR, you're live on Traffic School, powered by the Advocates Injury Attorneys. Who's this?

This is Patrick.

Patrick, what's up, dude? What do you wanna know?

Hey, Patrick, is your radio turned up?

I have my hands-free device. Sorry.

Oh, good-

Hands-free device?

... law abider. [laughs]

That's what I've got going on too is hands-free device.

Pants free.

Skirt. [laughs]

Better?

Oh, yes.

Oh, that's way better.

Wow, good job.

All right. Hey, Vick, did you ask them about that question that you and, um, Pete just had about giving something to somebody?

Uh, I forgot the question pas- Patrick, so go ahead and, uh-

Pass.

You didn't ha- need to call him Patricia just because you're Victoria.

Hello.

[laughs] We've got Becca in the house too. You can go ahead and activate mic four. We'll get you over here.

Oh, okay.

[laughs] So you can hang out with me.

All right, so the question that Pete and Victor had was-

[laughs]

... is it illegal even though it's a prank-

[laughs]

... to give somebody alcohol-

... when they don't drink?

Okay. Is, is it illegal? Is it like poisoning somebody if there's a person who doesn't drink alcohol and you're like, "Hey, have this punch?"

If tha- if that was the case, I'd have to arrest my own wife, because [laughs] we were having a, a gathering one night, and they had these liquor candies. And, uh, she gave it to a kid that-

Oh, no. [laughs]

... he thought it was gonna be funny, but didn't think it all the way through. He's like, "Woo, that's hot." [laughs]

[laughs] Oh, I didn't know you guys partied hard like that. [laughs]

So-

So,

yeah, I mean it's just not a good thing to do. If somebody's, you know, trying to avoid alcohol-

Respect others in their moral compass.

That's right. Don't do it, people. Don't do it. [laughs]

[laughs]

Well, thanks for the call, Patrick. Hope you have a happy Halloween.

Oh, yeah, you- you too, guys.

All right, peace out, man.

All right.

Well-

[dial tone]

Oh.

Caller hung up. Go ahead and hit off.

[laughs] Just leave it at that.

And then you yell at them, you go, "W- call us back. What's your problem? Don't hang up. We can only answer one at a time."

"You hung up on this program."

[laughs]

That's right. All right. And since I can't see the phone, I don't know if we have people calling.

No.

We don't. Okay, so we've got Becca in the house. How am I looking?

Not good. [laughs]

[laughs]

Looking real good.

Yeah. Yeah.

[laughs]

Yeah. I won't say what the GM said when he saw me.

[laughs]

I mean, I don't know. Am I allowed to say boobs?

You, you can say boobs.

Your, your boobs look pretty good. [laughs]

[laughs] Thank you.

They look better than the last time. [laughs]

They do. I, I think it's 'cause the shirt isn't so tight.

Ho- how are my socks fitting in there?

Oh.

Fitting in the boobs?

V- very comfy. It... Oh, oh, yeah.

Well, a little like the stuffing.

They, they worked good. I only had to use, uh, you know, one sock in each. They were big winter socks.

Hey, just so you know, you can't walk around touch people like that either. [laughs] That's against the law.

Oh, yeah.

[laughs]

I can't do that? What?

Becca touched me without my consent, Lieutenant Crane.

I seen that. [laughs]

Oh, no. [laughs]

[laughs] All right. Well, you can't take her to jail till she does my makeup.

All right.

All right?

Then we'll bond her out later.

Oh, man.

So I'm gonna just sit here and enjoy getting my makeup done while we do traffic school. [laughs] And, uh-

All right.

... is that enough light?

Yeah. I'll be good. I'll be good.

Yeah? Okay. I mean, it doesn't need to look good. Ho- honestly, the, one of the r-

No, I'm gonna make it look hideous. [laughs]

Something's got to look -

Okay. I want it to look pretty hideous.

Something's got to look good, 'cause nothing right now...

[laughs]

Okay. Are they live?

Hey, hey, caller, would you like to listen to Victor more or would you like to ask your question? [laughs]

[laughs]

Well, I don't want to listen to Victor anymore right now.

[laughs]

Oh, fine.

Hello.

Then you can talk to Lieutenant Crane. I'm busy anyway.

Victor, Victor, I love you, okay? You're the coolest, okay?

Okay, thank you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Thank you. [laughs]

Wait a minute. [laughs]

[laughs]

What's your question?

Okay, I want to, I want to know something. Would you guys rather go to a haunted house or a real haunted house?

I didn't hear the first part. Something about a haunted house or a real haunted house.

Yeah, would you guys go- rather go to a fake haunted house during Halloween or a real haunted house that's got actual, like, spirits in there?

Real.

Logan's shaking his head no.

No. [laughs]

H- he's a bit neither.

Neither. [laughs]

Neither of us.

I'd, I'd rather go to a real one, but Becca, what do you got?

No.

No? [laughs]

No.

No on either?

Oh.

No.

I could just see Vic-

Why not?

[laughs]

I could see Victoria and I going to a, a real haunted house and he'd just be hanging on my pant, like, "Please save me."

Okay, okay, if it was a real haunted house, probably.

All right.

But I don't like that fake stuff, so-

I know. I was trying to drag you out to a variety of haunted attractions. You're like, "No."

If somebody's got a chainsaw, I want it to be real.

I mean, there is real haunted houses. [laughs]

Yeah.

[laughs]

Yeah.

I would want to see a real ghost. I think that would be cool.

I mean, there is real haunted houses that are actually fake. It's called the Haunted Mansion at Albion and the Haunted Mill. They are real haunted houses.

Yeah, I mean, the, the Haunted Mansions of Albion is supposed to be pretty real.

I don't think anybody's ever lived in the Haunted Mill. [laughs]

[laughs]

That's not considered a house.

Well, what about somebody-

I mean, I w- I will tell you... I'll tell you straight, like, for real, that the Haunted Mansion at Albion is haunted 'cause I used to work there. And it's haunted.

Sorry, I, I was taking my wig off, 'cause it's probably easier to do makeup without the wig.

Now you're just plain scaring us. [laughs]

Yeah. Now I'm just a bald man in a skirt. [laughs]

[laughs]

Oh, no.

You wanna talk about haunts.

Oh, no.

[laughs]

It's gonna haunt me the rest of my life.

There's a ghost in the studio right now. It's me.

[laughs]

[laughs] Oh.

Oh, Victor.

Now, has anyone died in the Haunted Mill, Lieutenant Crane? I mean, that place is old. There could be ghosts in there.

Yeah, I don't know the whole story behind that place. I just know it's pretty close to my house.

I know. I figured you'd know the history.

It's within 15 miles.

[laughs]

They can actually like t-... Well, they used to be able to, like, touch you and grab you.

I hope not like the way you're touching Victoria.

[laughs]

I ain't touching Victoria today.

No. They can throw stuff at you.

[laughs]

If you have a, if you have a mean spirit in your house, they can throw stuff at you and hurt you.

... guess I'm doing pretty good then. Haven't had that happen. Usually it's just a, an angry person.

Yeah.

Or a cat.

So you're go- you guys are saying you have a, you have an officer in-

No cats

... there right now, right?

Uh, we do have a-

Well-

... an officer

... somewhat. [laughs] He's not in-

Okay, well, uh... Uh?

Uh, just saying he's not in uniform, but he's still a cop.

Okay, well, um, if you can't find me, just don't-

He still doesn't get invited to the parties. [laughs]

[laughs] That's right. Yep.

Gee, dang it.

[laughs]

Well, you know what, Lieutenant Crane, I, you know, if you would have found me right now, I'm going about 93 miles per hour on the highway.

Well, keep that up and let's see what happens. [laughs]

[laughs]

All right. Well, we appreciate the questions today and you enjoy your Halloween holiday.

Oh, I will scare people.

Awesome. Try to, try to scare as many s- children as possible. It's fun.

Scare the children!

No, I'd rather scare human... I'd rather scare adults.

I don't know, it's pretty funny when you make a baby cry.

No.

Yeah, it is! I was at, uh, uh, a trunk or treat yesterday, I put on this rabbit, uh, skull mask and you wouldn't believe how many babies just started crying and it was funny. Even their parents laughed.

You... You know, I know what Lieutenant-

[laughs]

I know what Lieutenant Crane's next trick's gonna do.

Is it-

I bet his, I bet his Halloween things are to give people tickets.

That... Yeah, that's not a very fun Halloween prank, Lieutenant Crane.

[laughs]

Giving people tickets. That's not cool, dude. [laughs]

[laughs]

As they sometimes cry. [laughs]

[laughs]

That's true.

Matt, if you're in the Ford Mustang, I'll race you.

Oh, you ain't scared of me.

I realize Becca needs some headphones, what are we doing here?

Yeah, I do need some. [laughs]

[laughs] She can't hear what's going on.

I, I, I, I hear a little.

[laughs]

I'll get her some. I'll get her some.

[laughs] I hear a little bit, but-

Okay. Well, um, here, you keep yapping with our caller, Lieutenant Crane. I'll get some headphones.

All right.

And then we gotta play the legal ID for the FCC, so yeah, hang on.

Lieutenant Crane?

Yes! [laughs]

[laughs]

How are you doing? You know, I'm passing the-

I do

... Ford Mustang right now.

You're what?

I'm passing the Ford Mustang right now with ISP.

Ah, very good.

[laughs]

Not at 90 obviously, or he'd be talking to ya.

[laughs]

Nope, 75.

There you go. All right, well, you have a wonderful Halloween.

Okay.

[laughs]

Have a good day.

Bye.

[laughs] Hey caller, what's your name?

Debbie, what's up?

[laughs]

[laughs] Yeah.

[laughs] Well, do you have a question for the program?

So ... I do. So, you know the cans that you put on the back of your car when you get married?

Uh, typically when you're the one getting married you don't put the cans on, that's your friend's.

Right, right, right, right.

Yeah.

[laughs]

So, what I'm wondering is

could you put kids in wheelchairs and shoot them from the back to let us all trick-or-treat?

[laughs]

[laughs] That'd be awesome.

Would you have trouble?

[laughs] Yeah, you'd be in trouble, that's called endangerment.

[laughs]

Have them back there bending each other up, just put them in a wheelchair.

Yeah, put a big old roll rack and a helmet on 'em.

[laughs]

Just put like some fake baby dolls hanging off [laughs]

[laughs]

Well, happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween to you, too. Appreciate it.

Okay, bye.

All right, Logan before we go to the next call-

Mm-hmm

... have we played the legal ID?

No.

Okay, let's play that. All right, we're back with Traffic School powered by the Advocates Injury Attorneys. Um, do we have a caller on?

Nope.

Okay, well my, my, right now might be a good time to get, uh, started on the makeup.

[laughs] Anytime would be good to fix this project up.

All right,

I don't know where you want to begin. Maddie brought that thing and then there's a bunch of brushes, and I'm not sure what all you brought, so.

I brought like, all my makeup. [laughs]

All your makeup? Okay, well you can-

So, we're gonna get you all that makeup.

Is there a makeup store at the mall because we may need more.

[laughs]

Oh! [laughs] Yeah.

Let me check out this mic real quick here, make sure it's set up correctly.

Let's go ahead and go to the caller while you're getting ready.

All right.

Right.

Caller-

This might be better

... welcome to Traffic S- Oh!

Oh!

No!

How dare they? How dare they? Call us back.

Impatient. Impatient.

Call us back, fool, 208-535-1015. [laughs] Uh-

Would the advocates represent me in a lawsuit if, [laughs] against you right now?

Um, I don't know. It's a, uh, mental trauma.

Disturbing my peace. [laughs]

Yeah! Where, where's Ben when we need him? I- I'll, I'll have to, uh, reach out to him after the program and see what Ben from the advocates has to say.

There you go.

Ben, where are you?

[laughs]

Let's go ahead with the caller. Hey caller, welcome to Traffic School.

Hi, how's it going?

Good, what's your name?

Grayson.

Grayson, what's your question?

Oh, I really just wanted to call and say hi to my brother Logan.

[laughs]

Oh!

Oh! Wow!

Logan's rocking the, uh, Darth Vader costume?

Yep.

You got the mask around it, I assume?

I do, I wasn't sure if I could wear it or and you guys would hear me or not, so.

Uh, I mean, it might be uncomfortable and hard to-

Oh yeah

... run things wearing it, but, uh-

Definitely.

Why-

... you certainly could.

Why you putting cover up on an egg?

[laughs]

Shh! Shh.

[laughs] That's... What, what do you call those?

Hey, that's shaped a lot like your head. [laughs]

[laughs]

What, Victor's head?

Yeah.

What do you call those, a blender?

Yeah. A beauty blender. [laughs]

Logan, I didn't know you had a brother.

A beauty blender.

[laughs]

Yeah, I got, I got nine siblings.

Holy moly! You didn't get much to eat, did you?

Yeah. [laughs]

No. No.

[laughs] Nine

Nine?

Nine.

Geez.

Are they, are they all girls?

Uh, half. Half and half.

This one that just called is definitely not a girl.

[laughs]

No. Definitely not. Definitely not.

Actually, I guess you're right.

Yeah.

He could be or she could be.

Yeah, you never know.

Some ladies have a deep voice like me.

[laughs]

You never, you never know these days.

Is there anything you'd like to ask Traffic School?

Sorry, what was that?

Is there anything you'd like to ask on Traffic School?

[laughs]

Um, well, I'm sure you've answered this before, but, uh, those, uh, those center lanes, can you use those to merge or are they just strictly for turning?

A left turn-

[laughs]

... a left turn bay. So

we've talked about this on heavy roadways like on the 17th and different roads like that. Sometimes it's necessary to get out in there or you'll hold up traffic forever. But it's not a travel lane. Once you use that to go out and stage, you gotta move straight right, uh, soon as possible. Now, if for whatever reason you cause a crash, it's probably gonna be culpable on your part because it is not a travel lane or designed for that. You are legally supposed to go into your lane of travel.

Makes sense to me.

Excellent. Well, thanks for calling.

See you Grayson.

Appreciate it LT. Yeah, hey buddy.

[laughs]

[laughs] Hey, I don't know if this is called putting makeup on or, uh, foreplay over here. On the side of the road.

Whoa! Lieutenant Crane.

Yo! Whoa buddy.

You settle down, buddy.

No, that's what I'm asking you guys to do.

You're making Jade uncomfortable down the hall.

[laughs]

I'm uncomfortable in the room.

[laughs] I'm getting pretty. Leave me alone.

Look, the circles under your eyes are calling.

Are they?

Do we have a caller?

I should wear this every day. Oh, we do. We have a caller. All right.

Caller, what's your name?

Hi besties, it's me again.

Oh, great! [laughs].

[laughs] So, I got a question. I've just seen three cars do it. There is a- there is a

traffic stop on the highway for, this is for Sergeant Crane. Is it illegal to go to that median where there's no road? Like, to go to the northbound or southbound?

Oh yeah, yep. It's illegal. You can't cross that. It's actually a misdemeanor.

Well, I've just seen three trucks do it.

Yup, we need more cops out there. But yeah, they're handling a situation on South I15 at 93. There's a detour around there. If you don't need to be in that area, please, uh, find some other route and be cautious in the area.

Yeah, I was gonna say 'cause the traffic right now, we are on a standstill. Like, we're all slowed down on the highway.

Yeah, so if you're listening, headed that direction, either south or north, and you can take another route to where you're going, be a wise choice.

But yeah, don't- don't take those. Like, that's a question for you, like, don't take that little median where all the grass is?

Unless you want a misdemeanor.

[laughs]

Well, thank you.

All right.

I think I'll just stay behind, I think I'll just stay behind the semi.

There you go.

Hey, get you guys his makeup done. Ready.

Thanks for bringing that up. I forgot to mention that earlier when I first walked in.

[laughs]

No, you're good. I came to, I came, I was like, "What's this all about?" [laughs]

[laughs] All right. Have a great day.

See you buddyos.

Bye.

Caller, you're on Traffic School. What's your name?

Hey, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!

No!

How you guys doing?

Crazy Carl.

Yeah!

I, I mean, good news is-

You slept in

... court season's over with.

[laughs]

You slept in.

Bad news is, I'm still gonna keep calling you guys.

[laughs] No, the good, the good news is, you slept in by about 30 minutes.

Right. [laughs] Hey, so Sergeant Crane, I got a question. Is Victoria like a nine o'clock, four beers at the bar?

[laughs]

Or is he like a closing time-

[laughs]

... 12 beers, four shots, and sniffing glue later?

[laughs]

Man, it's one of those I don't think I've ever got a shot in my life ever again if I'm doing this.

[laughs]

It's definitely the four shots, or maybe 20 shots at the bar. [laughs]

[laughs]

Now, now you had him laughing-

[laughs]

... and the, uh, makeup artist powdered his teeth while he was laughing. [laughs]

[laughs]

I know. [laughs]

Maybe they could be a little bit whiter.

[laughs]

Maybe I'll make him look a little Black. [laughs]

That, that could be funny. [laughs]

[laughs] Oh. Oh, it's awesome.

Ugh.

Saw them.

It's not really. [laughs]

[laughs]

No. [laughs] It's not really. There's not enough booze in this world. [laughs]

I don't think there's a bar in town stick, uh, has enough liquor in it.

[laughs]

Whatever guys, I'm beautiful. All right?

You can't say that about me.

I'm a beautiful woman.

Doesn't matter.

He's looking purdy.

Th- yeah.

[laughs]

[laughs] But not-

That's funny.

I'll make him look brutal. [laughs]

[laughs] Oh, you guys crack me up, man.

I don't know if there's any madness to the means here or what, but she just seems to pounding him in the head a lot. [laughs]

Yeah. She is, she's- she's just enjoying beating the crap out of him.

I didn't know putting makeup on was getting punched in the face multiple times over and over again. [laughs]

Yeah, it is.

It's a lot of work. [laughs] Like, I, the last time I did this, I couldn't believe it.

Was yesterday. [laughs]

[laughs]

Yes, it took two hours. [laughs]

[laughs]

[laughs] Oh, oh, you guys kill me, man. Right on. Well, sweet. Hey Sergeant Crane, I also heard on the news that, uh, Victor's favorite season's coming up, and Idaho State Police is going to be doing, uh, like, a- a winter, uh-

Driving class

... extensive driving class.

Yes.

So-

Yeah

... is that like when my mom took me to the Pine Ridge Mall and dropped me off and said, "Okay, burn cookies-"

[laughs]

"... until you figure it out," or?

[laughs]

That's the best way to do it if you got good parents. But no, we're actually gonna put on, I think there's four scheduled. I'll bring that in next week.

[laughs]

We have the dates and stuff set. Pocatello, Rexburg, Idaho Falls. I can't remember where the fourth one's at. Uh, if you are new to the area, and I know we don't have very many people like that, but if you are new to the area, uh, want some tips and guidelines on how to drive on slick and icy roads, uh, it's a great class. We get a lot of great feedback. Another great time to have somebody go to this is if you got a new driver in the family.

Yeah, it's like my daughter. Exactly.

The youth. Yep, exactly.

Yeah.

Great time to come and listen to the suggestions and guidance on how to drive on those kind of conditions.

Right on, right on. Sweet. Sweet, sweet. Good deal. Well, sweet. Well, hey, uh, dude, post those pictures, man.

You will want it.

I mean, I don't know if my boss can handle that. [laughs]

[laughs]

Oh, boy.

You know? [laughs]

It's burned in my memory right now.

[laughs] He's gonna look real purdy.

Like, per day.

[laughs]

Like, yeah

Per day.

[laughs]

Uh, not pretty, but per day.

Yeah, per day [laughs].

[laughs]

Just like that guy in Silence of the Lambs. That's right.

Oh.

Oh. [laughs]

[laughs]

Oh, my word. Uh, so, uh, you guys were talking about ghosts a little bit earlier. So, uh, my dad was born in 1916, and so he was Nevada State Warden for, uh, four years.

[laughs]

He had- he had a bunch of shanks that were used to kill people in prison. He had them bagged, tagged, all that in a box down in the basement.

That's called evidence.

[laughs]

That's- No, it is. It is. No, and I- I- I went through those boxes, man. I'll tell you what. Like, I never believed in ghosts, but man, this one- this one freaked me out. So, he's got all these boxes of stuff that when he worked in the prison system. And my stepdad was down there vacuuming-

We're gonna make it look good, man

... and he looks over-

[laughs]

... and sees a ghost. And he was like, "I'm out, man." Left me in the house alone with the boxes. He's like, "Yeah, man, I just saw a ghost downstairs. But yeah, you're good." [laughs] And took off.

Yeah.

So, um-

All children, if your parents have evidence of murders, please contact the police.

[laughs]

No. I mean... I mean, I- I saw pictures when I was seven years old of these said murders, man. It was, uh... Yeah, that- that- that changed my mind on ghosts, man. That's- that's-

Uh, not going to prison-

... nothing to an eight or seven year old.

It didn't help me about going to prison, but it sure changed my mind on ghosts. [laughs]

[laughs]

Oh, yeah. No, no, right.

[laughs]

Your dad was showing you murder scene photos at seven?

[laughs]

Explains a lot, Carl.

Son, you're toughing up.

I snuck into the boxes.

[laughs]

I was- I was snooping where I shouldn't have been. Therefore, I have never tried to snoop anywhere ever again.

Son-

Yeah

... you either toughen up or I'll give you something to cry about.

[laughs]

Right, right. Hey, if you don't come home before the wife's come home...

Oh, my goodness. [laughs]

[laughs]

[laughs] Yeah, yeah. Right on. Well, sweet man. Uh, appreciate you guys and, uh, we'll talk to you next week, man.

All right, have a great day, Carl.

All right.

Yeah, you have a happy Halloween, Carl.

Have a good one, man. You too, later.

Peace. 208-535-0105, the number to call for Traffic School powered by The Advocates. We got somebody on?

We have somebody on.

All right. What's up caller? Who's this?

Hey, caller. I just wanted to call and say I swallowed an ice cube last night and I have a feeling I'm gonna poop it out, and I'm really scared, you guys.

[laughs]

What the hell? I didn't catch- catch that.

Something about pooping.

Some p- yeah, something about poop.

I heard poop. [laughs]

Scared. Um, I hope it wasn't inappropriate for the radio.

It wasn't, but I don't know what she ate the night before that she can't get out.

Um.

[laughs]

Well, thank you for the call.

[laughs]

All right.

If it goes more than 48 hours, go see an emergency doctor.

[laughs] Hey there, you're live on Traffic School, powered by The Advocates. Who's this?

Uh, this is Paul. How you guys doing?

Excellent. Well-

Better than that last caller.

Yeah. [laughs]

[laughs]

Anyways, uh, I've been, uh... Yeah, so I drive- I drive a dump truck, and I was wondering, I have people pull out in front of me on the highways all the time. Um, when- is it always the person in the back's fault?

Uh, no, they gotta give you enough room. If they don't pull- if they pull out and don't leave you enough room and you can't shut down loaded, then they- they'd have culpability.

Okay. And- and that's- that's- I guess that's situational, right?

Exactly, yep. Everything would be different.

Okay.

Yep.

And then the- and then the two, uh... Okay, somebody asked about these two, uh, solid lines in the middle of the highway or in the middle of the road. What- what was that again? Like

Uh, they were talking about-

I don't know

... white lines, solid white lines, and if you could cross them?

What about the yellow lines?

Yellow double, you can't cross.

Well, I mean, you can't u- I mean, can you use them as merging?

As merging lines?

Or turning lanes?

Uh, if it's a left turn bay.

Yeah.

If it's a-

No, no, no. This... It's just almost... It's solid yellow, you can't cross, period.

Yeah, double yellow, you can't cross.

Oh. Oh, wow. Okay. And then, uh, one last thing. Uh, now how many paranormal calls have you got in your career?

[laughs] Well, I'm on one right now.

[laughs]

'Cause I'm telling you, Victoria's not normal.

[laughs]

I know, I got the picture of somebody pounding the nails, somebody had in the studio. I just- I don't know, it's kind of weird, I guess. Yes, sir. All right, well, have a good day.

Thank you.

It wasn't so bad. [laughs]

Welcome to Traffic School. What's your name?

It's Walmart Joe Dirt.

Yeah.

Hey, you want a date? I got a girl here. [laughs]

[laughs]

Hey, hey.

Untaking.

Can I call her my sister?

[laughs]

I don't know if you'd be taken or not, buddy. [laughs]

[laughs]

Y- you might want her.

[laughs]

This- this might remind you of grade school and being picked last for the kickball team.

[laughs]

Right. Now, now...

[laughs] Yeah, what can we do for you today?

Hey, I wanted to like revisit last week, you, uh, said you can't believe everything on the internet. And then you had the segment about the length of yellow lights. Well, my question is for Lieutenant Crane, Sergeant Crane. What- what-

[laughs]

What is going on with the career project on US 20

over at, uh, Saint Anthony?

The 342 to the 343, what they're doing there, they put the new on ramp, off ramp there at the 343.

Yep.

So, prior to that, right when you cross into Fremont County, there was two more roads. There was 200 North, 300 North. And so what they're doing is they do have truck companies that are based off of both sides of that. So they're, uh, putting in, uh, a slow-down lane and a speed-up lane, so that when those trucks come on, they can speed up before they get into the flow of traffic, or they can get over out of the way and slow down prior to the turn.

... so I als- I also read something like they're taking out the median crossing there, so that's gonna be a right turn off and a right turn on to Highway 20 headin' towards Rexburg, or on the opposite side headin' towards Saint Anthony. Or is the medians coming back where they can cross traffic?

I don't know exactly on the median. I just know they're putting a speed up and a slow down lane on both sides.

Okay.

Well, I appreciate that. You don't... you don't know how long that's gonna take 'cause, I mean, I swear they- they made a career out of putting the overpass there. [laughs]

[laughs] Hey, they, uh, they're supposed to pave Monday if the weather holds out.

Right on, right on.

All right. Have a great day. Thanks for calling.

Appreciate the call, man.

All right. You guys have a great Halloween. Thank you.

You too. Peace.

I'll get you her number. [laughs]

[laughs] Bye.

Welcome to Traffic School. What's your name?

Ashley.

Excellent. What's your question?

Um, I just have a question, is it illegal to lane split with a semi... I mean, with a motorcycle?

A semi, absolutely. [laughs]

[laughs] Please don't do that.

No, don't do it with a semi! I'm still-

Uh, it's-

I'm still in conc- in construction.

It's only legal-

I just had a motorcycle pass me.

It's only legal if you're pulling doubles. [laughs]

[laughs]

I was just talking about a motorcycle 'cause he just passed all of our cars, and I was wondering if it's illegal to do that in a motorcycle?

Yeah, in Idaho it's illegal to lane split.

Okay. I did not know that. I just seen him, so I was like, "Wonder if that's illegal?"

And dangerous. [laughs]

[laughs]

Okay. Have fun, guys.

All right.

All right. We are.

Lock in that semi.

[laughs] We're having a blast.

Somebody is.

So is it, uh, lane splitting, 'cause I know in Utah it's when the flow of traffic comes to a stop you can move up?

Uh, like in California y- on a motorcycle you can lane split any time.

Oh, okay.

Yep.

Okay. Wasn't sure.

So...

All right. Any last callers for Traffic School?

Uh, we... Uh, we got anybody left, Logan?

Nothing right now.

All right. It's probably time to end anyway, so-

Just got a call.

Oh, we got one last call.

Oh, all right, we'll give it one last caller.

What's up?

So I lost you all earlier when I called and said I had swallowed an ice cube and I haven't pooped it out, and I'm really scared to die.

[laughs]

All right, now hang up on her. Hang up on her. [laughs]

[laughs]

Thanks.

[laughs] No more poop talk, everybody. This is a serious program. [laughs]

It probably went out the other end. [laughs]

How long should you wait though before you can go to the doctor?

[laughs] Not that many days.

KMARU Live on Traffic School, please turn your radio down.

What a looney.

[laughs]

Uh, hey, radio is off. Hey, this is Michael.

Hi, Michael.

Quick question for you. Uh, in Rigby, on State and Main, there's a situation where on the north side of Main you have one lane, and on the south side of Main you have two lanes. And there's no markings if you're going from north to south there, which lane you're supposed to go into, an- and it's kind of centered on both. So I'm wondering, what are... what are the rules as far as crossing that intersection? Can you pull into

or is there... is there a... is there a rule specifically for that?

You would go closest to center if there's, uh... you're in one lane, you're turning into a road that's got two.

Okay. So can't pull into the right lane if you're going from north to south. You gotta stay in the left lane then merge immediately after?

Left and then... Well, no, not immediately. Turn on your signal, and then [laughs]- then merge over.

Yeah, sure.

Yep.

All righty, thank you very much.

You betcha. Have a great day.

You too.

Still have 'em lit up, Victor. What do you wanna do?

Well, uh, it's probably time to end it, looking at the clock there. So, sorry everybody. But, uh, there's time limits-

Is there something else?

... on these kind of things.

Is there something else we could end, please? [laughs]

[laughs]

No, we're not done with that yet.

Isn't he looking purty? Very.

I can't seem to... Oh! [laughs]

You should leave it like that. Just leave it halfway there.

Looking good?

You really look bald now. [laughs]

[laughs] But we'll still have Logan run the board for the rest of the show. So, we can just sit over here and do makeup, and we'll just talk about whatever.

You can. I'm gonna get the heck outta here. [laughs]

All right. So Logan, you'll probably have to eject the song that's coming up next. And then... And then-

Cool. That makes me feel comfortable, him just nodding off.

And then all you gotta do after you eject the song is hit the green button. So bye-bye, everybody. Thanks for tuning into Traffic School, powered by the Advocates Injury Attorneys. Yeah, uh, y- you need me to come around?

Yeah.

Call us next week.

Okay. All right, hang on.

Hey, don't touch me with any of that.

[laughs]

Big ole hug.

Thank God. Man, u- Uh, oh, that's why you weren't seeing it, 'cause we needed to scroll up.

Ah.

So we've done that. And go ahead and hit the green button, Logan.

Yeah.

All right. [music] Traffic School is a production of Riverbend Media Group. To get more info on the show or to contact us, hit up our website, riverbendmediagroup.com.

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