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Diagnosed with Complex Trauma and a Dissociative Disorder, Emma and her system share what they learn along the way about complex trauma, dissociation (CPTSD, OSDD, DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality), etc.), and mental health. Educational, supportive, inclusive, and inspiring, System Speak documents her healing journey through the best and worst of life in recovery through insights, conversations, and collaborations.
Over: Welcome to the System Speak Podcast,
Speaker 2:a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to longtime listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you.
Speaker 1:Well, me and Sarah had therapy today with our therapist, the one that we pick out, and we keep her. And she's gonna keep us. We can go as long as we want, she said. And I know she telling me the truth of it. But because she telling me the truth of it, I wanna tell her the truth of it too.
Speaker 1:But it's a hard thing to do. We got things to say to her to tell her about, I mean. But I get a little nervous. And I was not scared before, but now sometimes I get scared. But I don't mean to get scared.
Speaker 1:And I know the truth of it is that it's not really me getting scared. I know it's them little girls getting scared. But if I get close to try to help, then I start feeling scared. And I don't know why that is because I didn't mean to feel that. I know some girls feeling that.
Speaker 1:But if I talk to the therapist about it, then I am feeling that. But I don't wanna feel that. I don't like feeling that. Feeling that kinda makes me feel uncomfortable, not comfortable, not comfortable at all, just uncomfortable. If I just told the therapist by myself, then we are good friends and good buddies, and we can play some football.
Speaker 1:And I like telling her what's happening. But when I gotta share and we gotta take turns and I get too close to them, even if Molly is helping me, well, it gets I get scared, but I'm not scaredy pants. I am not scaredy pants. Just just just they are a little bit afraid because there are some bad things we gotta talk about, and it's hard talking about. So when I was thinking about rescue missions and getting everybody safe to the attic, what I thought was if it's scared for talking about things, then maybe if we talk about that first, then talking about things will not be so scary.
Speaker 1:And I think that's a stinking smart idea because I might be brilliant. I'm stinking smart. My therapist told me so. But the problem with that is a little problem about being scared for if we're gonna talk about why it's hard to talk about things, then we gotta talk about a hard thing. So I feel like I'm spinning in circles here, and it makes me a little busy.
Speaker 1:And I'm trying to help those girls. And there's lots of reasons that hard things are hard things, and there's lots of reasons that hard things to talk about are hard things to talk about. Lots of reasons. But, also, there's a few reasons that are really, really examples of why you should not talk about hard things and why you should not tell secrets because bad things will happen if you do. And so I thought if we talk to her about that first and maybe she can help me fix that, then it will be like rescuing everybody.
Speaker 1:Because if we rescue everybody, then anybody can talk about anything they want, and it will be okay. Because what I know my therapist taught me is now time is safe. And so I thought if we tell her this one thing about why it's hard to talk about things and we can fix that, then maybe maybe everything will will be easier to talk about instead of hard to talk about if we can remember now time is safe. But here's the hard thing about it is you you gotta practice it because you can talk about now time is safe, and that's a good thing to talk about. But you also gotta practice remembering that now time is safe.
Speaker 1:And the only thing harder than that is remembering memory time at the same time as now time is safe. So here's here's what my therapist taught me, and doctor E tried to tell me, and Molly tried to help me remember. Here's what we gotta tell those girls, help them know is that when we talk to the therapist, that is now time. What we remember, that was memory time. And I know that, but what I gotta learn now is that if I'm in now time with a therapist and we talk about memory time, we are still in now time.
Speaker 1:And that, I tell you, is a pretty tricky deal. It it's gonna take some practice, but we're trying. And my therapist said that memory time does not change now time. So if if you are scared because what happened in memory time, that's okay. You have some feelings, but it does not change that in now time you are still safe.
Speaker 1:Okay. So I gotta learn that if your body is remembering something from memory time, we can work on that in therapy and feel better, but even even your body remembering something does not change now. Time is safe. And, also also, even if you remember something like the parents, And so that's a problem in memory time. But in now time, it's still safe, and they're still dead.
Speaker 1:So talking about memory time does not change now time. That's why I'm learning therapy, and my therapist is helping. Hi, birds. I got some birds out here. I'm at the park, and the birds are talking to me because that is now time.
Speaker 1:And that bird says, now time. Now time. Now time. Help me remember it for so I'm not scared. But my therapist, she she she got very patient with me and very nice to me, and she does not even make fun of me if I get a little bit scared because I'm just trying to hold on for now time.
Speaker 1:I'm scared to let go. If I let go, what if I lose now time? And that makes me nervous. But my therapist said it's okay. And them girls didn't talk to her if they need to talk to her.
Speaker 1:They don't got to, but if they want to, it's alright. But I'm scared if if I if I let them all the way. I don't know about what will happen for now time. And, also, there's a lot of things we gotta tell her. A lot of things.
Speaker 1:I can't even tell you how many things. There's, like, maybe a thousand things. And I know because I made a thousand paper cranes for that daughter, and that's a lot of them, and it take me two years to make that. So if it take me two years to make a thousand paper cranes, what if I had a thousand things I gotta tell my therapist, and I can't even get one thing out? So I thought I'll make a plan for rescuing us from memory time to now time so we can talk about memory time but to stay in now time.
Speaker 1:Do you know you can do this? You you it's called therapy, I think. I think that's called therapy. You talk about memory time, but you stay in now time. And so I I know them girls got a lot of things to talk about.
Speaker 1:And the little girls, I mean, the little ones. And I think I know where it started of thinking we cannot tell no secrets. Secrets. And if I help them little girls tell that one thing, maybe the other things will be easier. So we've been working for four months.
Speaker 1:I think it's four months, but maybe it's four years. Four months or weeks to try and tell her about this, and they just come a little at a time. A little piece here and a little piece there and a little piece there like Easter eggs. Like, I'm on a hunt. I'm on a hunt for Easter eggs, and I gotta find them except it's not candy inside there.
Speaker 1:So I just I just gotta help them talk to her about this one thing. And we've been working on a long time trying to talk to each other, try to put it in the notebook, try to draw some pictures, tried to tell the therapist. And she's not she's not getting mad at me that it's hard or takes a long time, but she just she just said it's okay. And we talk about a lot of things. But this one thing, specific one thing, I've been trying to help.
Speaker 1:And last week, we did not get to work hard because if doctor e has to do all that talking and if doctor e has to do all the conferences, then we cannot we cannot be a mess of it. Okay. I I think it's called be a mess of it. A hot mess. We we cannot be a hot mess, and it's not hot even because it keeps snowing.
Speaker 1:I ran five k in the snow with Emma T and the outside kids, and it snowed on our heads, and it was cold breathing, and my hands were cold, but I just got run fast enough my hands are not cold anymore. So therapy is like that. It just feels like it's snowing. But if you keep going, then it'll feel better. And so I just ran as fast a race I can run, and that's not too fast, but I finish it.
Speaker 1:And so we think if we can finish this one piece or try to get it out, maybe other pieces will not be so hard of it. And so I try to take it to the girls my idea, and I try to talk to them about it, and mommy's helping me. But when all of doctor e's work is done, then she say it's okay to fall apart. I don't wanna fall apart. I don't know what that means, but I don't wanna break nothing.
Speaker 1:And I don't wanna break nobody, but it's time we work on therapy again now. And we try really hard. Every day, them little girls write part of the story and draw some pictures of the story, and we try to get all of it out from beginning to end, like, in order of the story working together on it, and we worked really hard all week. And, well, that is falling apart because then we had some nightmares, and we had some some some nightmares at the daytime, and we had some feelings and some body feelings. And that's just a lot of problems and kind of some anxious feelings or scared feelings.
Speaker 1:I look at the map, try to figure out all our feelings, and also a lot of crying and a lot of a lot of a lot of not sleeping and some problems, but we got in there. So I know that I did know. I know I did I did knew. I knew when we go therapy, it's gonna be uncomfortable. It's about I really like my therapist is my safe person I tell it to.
Speaker 1:And at first, I thought maybe maybe we do not gotta tell her because we put in the notebook some words and some pictures, but only a little bit. But, also, if you hide your notebook in the couch, she will still find it there, and she will still know it's there. And even if you talk about some other things, she won't forget that that's on the list of what to talk about because our therapist is stinking smart, and she's not forget about you. Even on a hard day, she does not forget about you. So you you just can't get away with nothing.
Speaker 1:And if you if you decide as a team, our therapist is a good one, and our therapist is a safe one, and our therapist is gonna be helping us, then you decide as a team, here's one little piece of something we maybe wanna talk about. Well, then you you really gotta you gotta just do it. Even if it's hard, you gotta say, okay. I can do this. And I gotta I gotta talk about this now because it'll help us feel better.
Speaker 1:And so we do, and we got to, but it's a lot of work, really. And so she look at the notebook with us and for us, and then she gave it back because I thought Sarah was gonna tell her the words that go for the pictures because Sarah's good at that. But what happened is this. Those little girls had so many feelings. Everything just coming up at once like a furball, and it was a whole week of furballs.
Speaker 1:And it was a lot of hard furballs, and furballs are nasty anyway right there in my notebook. I mean, not real furballs. I just mean it feels like a furballs. And well, so we didn't get very much out. And I thought we would do really good, and Sarah would do really good, and I will be a helper and keep everybody safe at now time.
Speaker 1:And I thought we have a plan. Well, our plan did not even work at all. I need to work a little bit, and there's just a little bit of words, some of them. But man, it's hard. And man, oh, man, it takes a long time.
Speaker 1:And man, oh, man, there's not enough time of it. And man, oh, man, I don't know how to get it out of us and put it all together, and it's hard work. But the therapist said we did good, and we're very brave of it. That man all the way across the lake is starting to mow. Can you hear him mowing?
Speaker 1:Don't be scared. He's just the park man. You ain't gotta be afraid of every man. You ain't gotta be afraid of every lady. You just gotta be smart about the bad ones.
Speaker 1:But that man is just a worker helper man, and that's a good thing because that's how I can walk on these trails. So he gotta take care of things. But I like better when I hear the birds. And I just like therapy because you just wanna play football and just talk to her about good things and be buddies, but I also I also gotta mow the yard. And if you gotta mow the yard, you gotta talk about the hard things, and you gotta talk about some scary things.
Speaker 1:And I don't know how if if memory time does not change now time, and if I can talk about memory time but stay in now time, I don't know how to do all that and also them feelings, all them feelings they got. But I think they're just gonna talk to her by herself because I cannot do it for them. I I don't I all them feelings are uncomfortable, and all those body things are uncomfortable and hurt me. And if if they're gonna talk to her, then I can tell them it's now time. And I can tell them that that therapist is a good one and my buddy, but I not do it for them because it's not my memory.
Speaker 1:They gotta do it themselves. And I just I just gotta tell them about the therapist, and it's okay to talk to her. But, also, they gotta talk to her. I can't make them talk to her, and I also can't do it for them. So we gotta learn some new skills, not just of working together, but also for, like, talking and telling things.
Speaker 1:Because here is the very best part. Do you know what our therapist said? She said it is not secret. Yep. I'm not even kidding you.
Speaker 1:I did not make that up. She said it's not our secret. She said it's their secret. Them bad people that did things, it's their secret. And so it's not our job to keep it, and it's not our job to hold it.
Speaker 1:And now time is safe, so nobody can even get hurt or nothing bad happen if we talk about it. So we gotta talk about it because it's not even our secret, and that's why I gotta help them girls know. But that can be hard to do, and I just gotta get some practice. So it might take me even more than a thousand paper cranes of two years to tell her just this one thing because it just keeps coming out one furball at a time, and not even everybody gotta say their piece yet. But if you got pieces, then you gotta work together to get them all out.
Speaker 1:And not only that, but Emma is going in group and learning about DID and learn about staying present and learn about how to be grounding. And I don't wanna get grounded. That's a lot of trouble. I won't cause no trouble, but if she's gonna learn about things. She's gonna just keep keep finding out stuff, and I don't know what to do about that.
Speaker 1:And the therapist asked me if the big girls know about the little girls, but the big girls do know about the little girls because of our circle notebook and because of therapy, but they don't know them big girls don't know what the little girls know. They don't know about they know of them. They don't know about them. So that's the best I can explain that. And the other thing is that therapist, when we're thinking about things or we're talking about things or a lot of people are listening and working together, she can tell us stuff and then everybody's talking about it.
Speaker 1:And she can put things in my head. I don't mean in a bad way. I mean in a so I don't forget it way. Like, memory time does not change now time, and now time is safe. And you can talk about memory time, but stay in now time.
Speaker 1:And I feel like them are three good rules I gotta hold on to. And so I'm glad she put it in my head, but also other people is learning too and other people can hear it and everybody's talking about it. And everybody's just coming out of hiding and everybody's just learning things. And I don't know what to do about that, if it's okay or not okay, and it just makes me busy, makes my head hurt. And I don't I don't mean complaining.
Speaker 1:I'm just saying it's everything is changing. I don't know what to do about that except go for a walk. So I came here for at the park to go on a walk and play in the nets and the castles and the playground and feel a little bit better. And then I thought if I'm supposed to be practicing talking about stuff, I better talk about it for a podcast, and then that'll give me a good practice for my practice. So I'm trying to practice for my practice for so I can talk to the therapist.
Speaker 1:But, also, if the girl in the attic, if she's waking up and learning stuff, I don't know I don't know what to do, and I might be shy of her. I don't know what to tell her if she wakes up or what to do about that. But I told I told the therapist I saw her waking up, and I don't I don't know what what to do about that. But it's it's it's that therapist says she she will not lose me, so I don't wanna get lost. I want nobody I don't want nobody be scared just for talking.
Speaker 1:So we gotta we gotta work together on that and learn learn how to do it. And so we're trying, but you know what you can be scared of? April Fool's Day. Yep. It's April Fool's Day.
Speaker 1:You know what that means? That means playing tricks. And I got the best story to tell you my therapist that I can tell her. And I can tell you my my therapist, she she she likes to laugh with me, and I can tell you what we did for April Fool's Day. Here's a story.
Speaker 1:It says the story of April Fool's Day. You know them little army men, except not army men like toys, and they have a big old face going with their arms up like they're scared or or running or something and the boys have them in the toy box. Well, you maybe, if you got a husband, you can get one of them army guys. Not with a gun. I mean, the ones like the little toy figure.
Speaker 1:He's like, ah. You get him. Okay? And you tape him to the license plate. And if you tape him to the license plate so that he's facing at the camera for backing up.
Speaker 1:And then when the husband has to drive the kids to school because you're at therapy, then he puts it in reverse and the camera pops up. And then the camera pops up, he sees that man, like he's running over something, and it's the funniest thing happen all day. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man.
Speaker 1:I can't even laugh about it. My sides will hurt, and my face will hurt, and it would be the funniest thing that happened all day. I'm telling you that's April fools.
Speaker 2:Thank you for listening. Your support of the podcast, the workbooks, and the community means so much to us as we try to create something together that's never been done before. Not like this. Connection brings healing, and you can join us on the community at www.systemspeakcommunity.com.
Speaker 1:We'll see you there.