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A podcast by millennials, for millennials, covering health challenges unique to Gen Y. Get expert insights, practical patient advice, and inspiring survivor stories to help you make informed healthcare choices. Empower your journey with YMyHealth!
00:37
Julie Woon
Let's get started. Hi, everyone. Welcome to the YMyHealth Podcast. I'm Julie. I'm the co-host for today, and I am joined by Rebekah. She is a dedicated therapist with eight years of experience, and today we have her on the show to talk about handling life transitions. This is something that we've seen is very common for our age group as you're navigating sort of this change from kind of being in your younger 20s and then into other phases of life as well, professionally, emotionally, relationally. And so we wanted to take some time to talk through what that looks like and the challenges that are specific to millennials today. So, Rebecca, thanks so much for joining the podcast.
01:20
Rebekah Lipsky
Of course. Thank you so much. I'm so happy to be here. Yeah. So one of my specialties as a therapist is supporting adults going major life transitions. And this was fully bred out of me going through three huge life transitions at one time three years ago, which I can, of course, get into that a little more specifically, but it's just a topic that I'm so passionate about. So I appreciate you inviting me on to talk about it.
01:47
Julie Woon
No, that's great. And I think I'd love to maybe just kick it off with what are some of the most common transitions that you see with this age group?
01:54
Rebekah Lipsky
Yeah. So there really are a lot that can be changes in career. So kind of like you were saying before, you know, many of us are out of our. I think most of us, we're probably all out of our 20s by now. It's not that we didn't know who were in our twenties, but just with age comes experience. Right. And so you start to see people maybe recognizing either within a same job or field, that they're ready for something more and something higher, that maybe they're like, you know what? I am ready to kind of take a shot at a higher level or recognizing I thought this path was what I wanted when I was in college, and it was paying the bills. And you know what?
02:35
Rebekah Lipsky
I'm not as interested in it as I thought, or there's not as much growth for me in this realm as I thought. And so there are kind of a lot of pivots in that regard. Relationships. So whether that's people getting engaged and married or having children or, honestly, the opposite. So one of my major life transitions, which I can maybe speak to a little bit, is I'm super open. Open about it. I called off an engagement a few years ago. So sometimes it's things like that, breakups, divorces. But also, you know, we are at an age where our parents are aging so tragically. Sometimes folks our age have already lost a parent untimely.
03:10
Rebekah Lipsky
But if it's not that, and they're not physically gone from the world, maybe there are just physical mental declines that somebody's experiencing with their parents, which change that relationship, or just needing to take care of a parent in a different way than you had to before. So that's something that I see a lot. And also just moving, you know, comes up a lot. Sometimes that's in tandem with a job change or a relationship change. But sometimes people are like, you know what? I just want totally revamp my life, and I'm going to move to a new city, even if it wasn't inspired by anything else other than that. So there's a lot. We go through a lot.
03:45
Julie Woon
Absolutely. And I think it's interesting to see how this might be different from previous generations, because I. I mean, in my personal experience, a lot of times when I have questions or things about transitions, one of the things you think about is going to talk to your parents. And sometimes that's helpful, sometimes it's not. Yeah. I'm just curious what differences you've perceived, maybe, in millennials versus people who are older than us.
04:08
Rebekah Lipsky
Sure. So I have a couple of thoughts about it. So, amazingly, in our generation and what the generations below ours are experiencing is this just whole new wave of an emphasis on mental health, which is amazing. And with that, I think, comes a whole other conversation around doing what fulfills you and doing what's meaningful to you and doing what makes you happy. And that's not to say that people in older generations haven't been doing things that make them happy or that fulfill them. But I just think there was a bit of a different conditioning, but also just different contexts of life back then where the expectation kind of was, you find the good job, and you stay at that job until you retire. Right. Or you get married and you make that marriage work.
04:54
Rebekah Lipsky
And that's not to say that the pendulum has swung the total other direction where we are trying to just like, wreak havoc on every relationship and job. But I think a big guiding point for people when they make certain changes for ones that we initiate. Obviously there are big life changes that are unforeseen circumstances, but I think some of it is rooted in that. Right. Just like this doesn't make me happy anymore, this doesn't fulfill me, I'm not passionate in this job or I cannot be in this relationship anymore. It's not safe, it's not healthy. Right. And I think in addition to the, this new wave of the conversation, there's also just so many more mental health resources that exist too, to complement that. Right. Where it didn't exist as much or even at all for older generations.
05:43
Rebekah Lipsky
So it's not just like, do what makes you happy. You have. There's so many therapists that you can work with, there's self help podcasts, self. I mean, look at what we're talking about right now, self help books. So there's also just more resources, but I think there's just different opportunity. I mean, we saw with COVID right, this push to not push. It was a need at initially to be remote, but that's also maintained itself. So obviously, of course, with some jobs, people are maybe back five days a week now, but people really were able to and are able to move, live in a dream city or even dream country and keep their job. There's also so many different kinds of jobs. I have this.
06:23
Rebekah Lipsky
I went to school with this girl who, she works in the podcast space and she once made this post that I actually think went viral. And basically it was like, I have a podcast idea. Like each episode is with a new set of parents and I have to describe what their millennial kid does for work because right. There's just like, with social media and podcasting, there's so many different kinds of jobs where people can really kind of craft, whether it's a career or a few different types of jobs in like a much more flexible, dynamic, creative way that didn't exist before. So I see that a lot in the career space. So, yeah, I mean, we're ever evolving. So there's just total different contexts that we're living in now than previous generations.
07:03
Julie Woon
Absolutely. And to keep on that career track, I think you mentioned people maybe doing multiple jobs at one time, but also I think we're seeing millennials and younger generations be A little bit more quick to change careers or jump from one job to another maybe every few years, versus previous generations who would stay at a company for 20 years, maybe or a lifetime in some instances. And so I'm curious to see how you talk to millennials about challenges they face as they're, you know, navigating career changes or just changing jobs. And also maybe where financial insecurity might play a role in this as well, for sure.
07:41
Rebekah Lipsky
So I do a lot of values work with my clients. I mean, values is its own thing, of course, but I use it as part of this larger framework called acceptance and commitment therapy. So I can get into that intervention a little bit more later because it just lends itself so beautifully to transitions, but especially when it comes to the career stuff. And I, of course, want to be candid. I'm obviously not a career coach, but certainly I'm here to work through things therapeutically with my clients. I use this values list. There's about 60 items on there, and there's room to add more if anything doesn't align with a client. But, you know, I think so often the conversation centers around, right, like, what do I want to be? Do I want to be a writer? Do I want to be an electrician?
08:25
Rebekah Lipsky
Do I want to be a dentist? But I try to really start with who the client is. Like, what are your values? What is meaningful to you? A in life, but even in the scope of a career, right? So some people want to have a lot of interpersonal reaction or interpersonal interactions with other folks. And some people really like spending that time alone. You know, they don't want to have to be on a team with people. And so kind of using those values with each person to really craft from there. Well, what are our options? Because it's not just about, like, well, should I be a dentist or an electrician? It's like, what are all the different opportunities out there?
09:06
Rebekah Lipsky
Again, if it's a career track or if it is piecing together two different jobs that really align with who you are so that, again, it can kind of lead somebody to something that's fulfilling. I think with career, right, people can feel really lost just because we don't. We might not see ourselves in one of those job roles or titles. So how can we first get you to see yourself based on you and build from there? So that's a lot of the initial work that I do. I certainly like to check in with people just generally on, like, what hasn't been working. If there's a lot of jumping around that doesn't mean jumping around is inherently a bad thing. Thing. I'm so big on nuance and context. Right. Nothing is a one size fits all.
09:52
Rebekah Lipsky
So if that's somebody's pattern, what is that being attributed to? Right. Is it being attributed to horrible bosses? Okay, well then how do we guide our search with, you know, when you're interviewing, you know, how can there maybe be certain questions asked or what kind of read can we get on people to know that I'm finding a boss who's aligned? Is it due to, you know, something mental health wise like depression or such low self esteem? Right. So it, there's just so many different angles to come at it with as well, you know, is it pay? So also just really trying to look at it holistically to really see like what do we need to fine tune there for that person so that they can be in something that is fulfilling to them. Because obviously changing jobs in and of itself is stressful.
10:39
Rebekah Lipsky
So sometimes it's a worth it stress to put ourselves through if it means that on the other end of it is something so much better. But if it's just kind of like a different hamster wheel each time, we wanna look into that more.
10:50
Julie Woon
Absolutely. And you touched on a little bit of just interpersonal relationships within career. But I'm also curious about interpersonal relationship transitions, just generally, whether that's familial with friends, romantic relationships. How did those transitions and the way that you talk about them and this values framework change when you're looking at maybe relationships versus career for sure.
11:12
Rebekah Lipsky
And like you said, there's so many different kinds of transitions that we can go through within our relationship. So when it involves breakups, sometimes people come to me because they themselves. Right. Aren't sure if they want to end their relationship. And sometimes people come to me because their partner ended it. So there's a lot of overlap there in terms of the emotional pain that somebody might be going through. But still the conversation can look a bit different. But I think when it comes to supporting somebody with determining whether or not they no longer think this relationship is right for them, which as a therapist, I am not here to tell anybody whether or not they should stay.
11:55
Rebekah Lipsky
It's to really guide them and pull the information out from them and reflect it, get them to hear it and work with all the information that we have to help them make the best decision the values piece can really come in with. Just like, do you value in your life? Because not that we need to be an exact replica of our partner and we shouldn't be. I think that would be so challenging. You know, it's a. Does being in this partnership support just the values that you have with the life you want to live? Because if somebody is really yearning for adventure, let's say, but this partner, like, really holds them back from that. They don't need the partner to join them in that, but the partner is like greatly inhibiting them from that. Right. So it's.
12:41
Rebekah Lipsky
Is this partnership supporting your own values for the life you're living, but also, you know, does this partnership in and of itself align with your values of partnership?
12:54
Julie Woon
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13:46
Rebekah Lipsky
Just as the values piece, there's so many other kinds of things to discuss. Discuss again. Just like emotional safety, physical safety too, of course, depending what's going on, and just overall consistent happiness and feeling. I remember with my relationship, I. Mine was, I called mine off due to broken trust. I don't get into the specifics of it, but it became a norm at one point where were like not having a lot of good days and we would almost celebrate when it was like, that was fun when like, that used to be the norm. Right. So there just was like more consistently the pattern was arguing and I'd just be crying all the time and I would just feel so anxious and so checking in on things like that.
14:29
Rebekah Lipsky
But for the rebuilding piece, so whether it's somebody who broke up with their partner or was broken up with, you know, really doing a lot of empowerment work from that values place of okay, not here to Diminish at all this heartbreak, this grief, this anger, this sadness, excitement, etc. And with this being the situation, how can we support you and empower you and guide you toward a direction or really the values are the direction. So how do we get you clear on what direction to now help you travel in? So from a value space, that's kind of what I do when it comes to breakups. Yeah, there can be a lot of changes in family, so there could be just more players that get involved. Right. When it maybe is something occurring with a kid or parents or siblings.
15:15
Rebekah Lipsky
And some of the transitions there could be, you know, boundaries work. And I know boundaries are is such a buzzword and I will admit I think it's gone a little overboard where people almost use it at the expense of just like doing whatever they want. But we do need, you know, a healthy degree and level of boundaries. And so I think really just helping people map out again, like, what is it that's the issue right now that's interfering with your well being? What would it look like to not feel this kind of way? So let's say somebody's just constantly on edge around their parents or siblings or whomever it may be. And kind of really looking into such a classic therapist question, but right, like where do you keep feeling that in your body? Like where are you carrying that physically?
16:02
Rebekah Lipsky
How does that keep showing up for you mentally? How is it getting in the way of how you're functioning? What would it look like for you to feel more at peace in this family dynamic, both in your head and in your body and kind of. I don't expect them to need to know that a hundred percent. It's just really like a best guess. What would that feel like? Maybe that draws upon past experiences where they felt at peace and can use that language and then kind of building that bridge in between. Right. Then what do we need to put in place so that we can move your entire well being into that more peaceful state? And that's challenging work, of course, but sometimes it's with that, you know, again, sometimes we talked about taking care of a family member.
16:45
Rebekah Lipsky
It could be just a lot of grief work. So there's just a ton of general processing. Right. To support them with healing. I'm both very balancing of actively listening to and validating and helping my clients process what they're going through while also being very action oriented and equipping them with the tools to move forward. But it's hard. I don't have like a full one answer because like every possible life transition in relationships are coming up, but those are most commonly, I guess, what people have been coming to me for at least lately. So that's, I guess, what's top of mind.
17:19
Julie Woon
And that makes sense. I think change transitions, there's always some level of discomfort, I guess is the word I'll use. You know, like, for some people it's anxiety. For some people it's grief. Like a plethora of different things, you know. But I understand how it is sort of unique to the person. And I think if you're somebody who, you've got a friend, a partner, somebody who's close to you, who's maybe going through a difficult transition, is there anything that you can do to be supportive during those periods?
17:48
Rebekah Lipsky
For sure. So I think the onus needs to also be a little bit on the person going through it just to in their own way, let their closest people to them know that they're struggling. Because I think sometimes people can carry it well and people can see, oh, well, they're fine. And maybe if they haven't gone through that same type of transition, they might genuinely not even really know or understand that could really be causing a lot of pain to the person. But I think it's okay. As a friend, not okay. I mean, I encourage to ask that person, right what I know that you're needing support. How can I best support you? You know, if there's ever advice that you're seeking, I'm happy to do my best to provide that.
18:35
Rebekah Lipsky
If you're just needing somebody to listen to, like, please know, you can call me, you can text me whatever it is that you need, I'm here to listen. Do you feel that you need to be distracted from it for a moment? I'll come over, we can watch Love is Blind. Do you need to really let your feelings out? Like, you can cry to me and the person may not totally know what they're always needing and that's okay, but I think, you know, we don't need to figure it out all on our own. And guess that person very well might have a sense of like, no, I really just need to vent. I don't need to be told it's going to be okay. I don't need advice. So kind of gaining that from what they're wanting and looking for.
19:15
Rebekah Lipsky
But sometimes just literally a text with hearts, I'm not even kidding. Can go such a long way. I remember when I was going through all of my big transitions at once, just getting a thinking of you text would really fill my cup. It doesn't mean it filled it all the way back up, but enough to give me a little more strength or have a little more love in the tank or care in the tank. So that can really go a long way as well, I think, just not only saying that you're there for somebody, but through actions, making it known that you really are there for them and also trusting that they can come to you as well if they need you. But yeah, it's okay to have those conversations jointly and same thing for the person going through it.
20:04
Rebekah Lipsky
Even if it's not initially solicited to say, you know, I'm really needing help right now. I actually don't need to be listened to. Like, I'm needing to be told, like, I know you went through this, what helped you? So I think again, just kind of that interpersonal exchange is. Is really valuable.
20:22
Julie Woon
Yeah, absolutely. We talked a lot about people who are going through change and transitioning, but I think there's also maybe a little bit to say about, in the case the opposite. So maybe you're somebody who prevalent or hard to avoid now that social media is so popular, but you're seeing everyone else go through transitions that maybe you wish yourself were going through or you're feeling left behind. What do you say to those people?
20:45
Rebekah Lipsky
So I first want to validate that feeling of I feel behind. I mean, it really is real. I have felt it and to some extent do feel it in different regards. So, you know, I definitely don't want to say you're not behind because it really can feel that way. And why it unfortunately feels that way is because of these, you know, conventional societal messages around, like where we're all supposed to be at a certain age or certain time. And so then what I say to that is that standard absolutely does not consider context. And somebody can have every intention to finish college in four years and really struggle mentally and need to take time off. And that was the absolute best thing for them to do to get healthy and then effectively. Right. Finish their studies.
21:40
Rebekah Lipsky
I mean, not that anybody would have predicted this, but like Covid affected so much. We didn't see that coming. But it just like it's to show that anything can happen. People get married, they're ready to try to have a kid, and one of the spouses gets sick. I tragically know, thankfully folks who are still alive and in remission, but nobody close to me. But I know people who in their early 30s have been diagnosed with cancer. And so that pushes off a plan Right. So it just. These messages have again, no nuance to them. How do they take into account what all 8 billion people on this planet are going through? It. It doesn't. So I really understand feeling behind, especially as women biologically. Right. You know, there are certain ways in which it's not just about what society's saying.
22:32
Rebekah Lipsky
There are literal clocks to our body. I would just tell people to recognize that there again is no one size fits all scenario that we're all going through. And we all are functioning in unique contexts of life, both on super macro levels. Again, something like Covid or just things that are going on in the world or the country, but just at super micro levels as well of even what's going on within your own body and your health or your own relationship. So I really am always on a mission to emphasize that part. And I'll have that discussion a lot by again, both normalizing it and saying we're all walking a different path here.
23:11
Julie Woon
Yeah, makes sense. And we said there's some level of expected discomfort when you're going through a transition or if you are feeling left out. Where would you say is the point when you would recommend somebody start looking at professional help if they're really struggling with something like this?
23:29
Rebekah Lipsky
Yeah. So I always say. And again, everybody's gonna have a different definition of this. But really when it starts to interfere with an aspect of functioning. Because we all are gonna inevitably feel difficult emotions. I say difficult on purpose because I don't believe in referring to them as good or bad or positive or negative. We need all of these feelings. They help guide us toward what we need. It makes us human. And some are just a lot more challenging and uncomfortable to feel than others. But we can find our way to whether it's keeping them at bay or moving through them.
24:05
Julie Woon
Right.
24:06
Rebekah Lipsky
It's not always at such an intense or frequent or both degree where it's getting in our way. But sometimes it can cross that threshold where it really does. Maybe that's we just are so consistently like feeling it in our body where it's just hard to calm down and we're super activated all the time. And that's just again getting in the way of how we literally can just like exist at home or even relax. Maybe we're noticing that we are snapping so much more in our relationships. Maybe we're just not getting the things done that we typically are able to do at a particular rate. We all procrastinate. Doesn't mean everybody needs to be a hundred percent with that. But so again, we all have our own metric for determining is this now really getting in the way or interfering?
24:53
Rebekah Lipsky
But that's kind of a barometer that I do like to talk about with people. And again, sometimes we can tell that more mentally, sometimes we can tell that more physiologically, sometimes it's both. But again, not just looking within ourselves, but looking at our interaction with the external worlds and what's different but in a way that's impacting us.
25:13
Julie Woon
Absolutely. And maybe just to wrap us up for this episode, is there any one piece of advice or something that we haven't touched on today that you would like to leave the audience with when it comes to talking about transitions?
25:26
Rebekah Lipsky
Yes, there's so many, but I'll give you one. So, you know, you've talked about this word discomfort a few times throughout the episode, and unfortunately, what I talk with my clients about is this idea that for most transitions, either way you slice it's uncomfortable. So what do I mean by that? Whether. So if it's a change that you're looking to initiate, it's uncomfortable contemplating the change because there's fear, there's anxiety, there can be doubt, all these different things. And it's also uncomfortable going through it. Right. Having to pick up the pieces and navigate the change. But the former keeps you stuck. The ladder moves you forward. And so for an example of if it's an unforeseen change, like, let's just say the passing of a loved one, okay, there was no contemplation there, but there's the healing of it. Right.
26:17
Rebekah Lipsky
And how do we cope with the loss? So it's just as uncomfortable to avoid and suppress. That's a lot of effort put in. And it's also uncomfortable to face it. Right. And actually allow yourself to come in contact with the grief. And so, same thing. The former one, though, keeps you stuck, and the latter one does move you forward, especially with your healing. So that's just something that I talk about a lot. And that's where that intervention, acceptance and commitment therapy comes in, where I'll say to my clients, I'll level with you. This is uncomfortable. No matter what we do. You can continue the route of avoidance. I ultimately can't stop you. I can talk with you about how that's not gonna help. I can't stop you.
27:00
Rebekah Lipsky
And I'm not gonna just trick you into thinking that all the work that I'm here to help you with is just gonna be magically so pleasant as well. It's not initially, but there are different kinds of discomfort. They're not created equal just because it feels similar. So again, there's so many things I could say, but that's really like a beginning point that I talk about with people. And from there they're kind of like, okay, I guess I'll try the moving forward one. So, yeah, I think it's for people to know the goal is not about feeling uncomfortable. In this process of navigating change, you will get better. It's not that it gets better, you will get better at managing and navigating it, but it's just letting them know that they have that power. Because again, a breakup's a breakup. That's not a changing variable.
27:49
Rebekah Lipsky
They are the agent of change. So it's not just leaving it in this grim way of, like, uncomfortable. Either way, sorry. It's to say, here's what we're working with and in this direction. Yeah, you've got some power that we are going to unlock and we're going to access it and I'm going to teach you how to use it so that you can move forward and it doesn't always have to feel this way.
28:10
Julie Woon
That's great. I love that kind of ending note of leaving people empowered and you have the control to do this. Not to say that it's easy. I don't want to make it sound easy, but absolutely. I think for anybody who's maybe out there struggling right now with transitions, that's great advice and nice to hear.
28:27
Rebekah Lipsky
Thank you. Yeah. You know, I always say I hated being told like, it's all going to be okay. People were coming from such a good place, but I was like, well, I personally feel like I'm about to die, literally, no exaggeration. So I'm like, I don't really want to hear that right now, but I really am speaking from a place of where I can attest to how unbelievably challenging it is. Because during my called off engagement, I left my job of six years to start my private practice and then I moved to a new city. It was a lot, but I'm again, it's been three years and I'm in a space to also attest to the triumphs of it and how I made all those areas of my life better. So it's absolutely possible, even if it's really hard.
29:06
Julie Woon
Well, Rebekah, thank you so much for coming onto the podcast today to talk about this. I think there's been a lot of learnings and I think a lot of just for me personally, I like the idea of just not getting stuck engaging yourself and where you're at with other people, but also maybe not getting so much in your head about your own transitions and what's going on. So thank you again so much for coming on. We appreciate it.
29:28
Rebekah Lipsky
Of course. Thanks for inviting me. This was a great conversation.