From 78 - 022 | Longing... for... what?

Reflections on Time and Longing

In this impromptu episode of the 78 podcast, Neil Gorman delves into his subjective experience of time, sparked by a spontaneous observation while driving past a middle school. 

The episode explores themes of nostalgia and longing as Neil reflects on his own middle school experiences, juxtaposing them with his life as an adult, and wrestling with the emotions these memories evoke. 

Introduction and Episode Context

Reflecting on Daily Routines

A Nostalgic Encounter

Memories of Middle School

The Longing for Youth

Adult Reflections and Realizations

Concluding Thoughts and Reflections

Creators and Guests

Host

Neil Gorman

Neil Gorman is a Lacanian psychoanalyst, social worker, and podcaster. He has ridden the Earth around the sun 47 + times witout falling off.

What is From78?

From78 is a podcast about people in time.
The host is a dude who was born in 1978, who is literally From78. On the show, From78 talks to people who are older, young, or about the same age as he is about what the past and the future as they experience is. Topics discussed include: Hauntology, technology, politics, theory, art, culture, theology, and a wide range of other sundry things and stuff.

Along with these discussions, there are occasional audio-essays about what it is like to be From78 in the here and now.

F78022
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Neil: And this is from 78. It's a podcast about the subjective experience of time, and this is episode number 0 2 2 22, I had not planned to record this episode today. This is a very, very impromptu episode. A lot of times what I'll do is I'll sort of move through my life, my week, my days, trying to pay attention to myself, my subjective experience of time, and noticing things about that experience.

And when I notice it, something, I'll take note of it and the next step will be sitting down somewhere and. Reflecting on what I have noticed and usually writing down different thoughts, feelings, associations that occur to me that are associated with whatever it is that I have noticed. That's the general way that I do this.

Then I kinda let that sit for a little bit and I come back to it. Here and there, different things require different numbers of returns for, I don't know, clarification, refinement, further reflection, those sorts of things. But, , today I was driving somewhere, driving to where I am right now, in fact, which is my office where I, I work where I see patients.

And I don't always take the same way to my office. Some days I take a way that brings me past certain things and other times, like if I need to get gas or if I'm gonna stop at a grocery store to pick up something that I'll eat for lunch that day, I'll take a different route kind of contingent upon.

Some kind of errand that I need to get done prior to getting into my office. So today, the route that I took was the route that I take when I stopped by a grocery store to pick up some food so that I can eat something at lunch. And when I, so I, I went to the grocery store, I picked up the food that I was gonna eat, got back in my car, and I was driving down this road.

And it takes me past a middle school and a high school this route. And when I drove past the middle school, I noticed that there was some kids that were probably in gym class and they were out and they were doing this thing that I remember doing when I was a kid in middle school and gym class once a week.

In gym class. When I was in middle school, we would have to run a mile. It was, there was one day out of the week that was dedicated to that. And this was a pretty, it was like a fixture, I think it was always the same day of the week too. It whatever day. It was varied from year to year. And I went to two different middle schools, and so it was different.

But each of those middle schools had this practice the same. One day a week you would run a mile. And it's pretty early in the morning when I'm driving past this place. It's not like, you know, I'm not talking like five, six in the morning or something like that. It, the time I'm driving by this place, it would've been, I don't know, a little after like nine 15 I think in the morning.

But that's still pretty early to be running a mile. I think I, it seems like it to me, if you're a kid and I'm watching these kids do [00:04:00] this running. And there's this experience that I have that I took note of and instead of coming here today and writing that down and reflecting on it, I thought, I'm gonna see what happens if I just set up the microphone and start talking about it.

It's a bit of an experiment to see how that goes. So what I noticed as I was going by this place is this kind of subtle. Emergence of a kind of longing in me. I looked at these kids. Some of them were, you know, running, others were looking so bored. They were just like, you know, trudging is what I would call it.

Not trying to go fast at all. And there was a couple of kids who maybe had paired off into groups and they were, seemed to be chatting with each other. And I saw that and. [00:05:00] This is actually kinda hard for me to put into words, so bear with me as I make an attempt to do it. I noticed myself returning in the form of memories to my experience of what these kids were going through.

I had also gone through what they were going through, and I could. Now as a 47-year-old adult, look back at that and I remember I, I projected, I'm sure a lot of my own experience and feelings as a result of that experience onto these kids. I would watch them running this mile. And this is very quick by the way.

I drive by this place. I'm not like driving by super slow. I drive by it. I see this, I take it in and at the speed of thought. All these different memories and associations just come flooding into my subjective experience. [00:06:00] Right. I know you know what I'm talking about. You've gone through this, I'm sure, and I'm seeing them go through this and I'm thinking like, oh yeah, I remember being a kid who had to do running a mile.

And there there's some days where you just don't wanna do it. And there's other days where. Maybe it would be fine. I was a runner when I was in middle school. I ran track and cross country, so running was not something that I disliked. But even though I didn't dislike it, there was some days where it was like, I kind of don't want to do this.

And I, I just remember seeing that in these kids. And then there was this one moment where, , I'm driving by and , I'm watching a kid run the mile and , I notice what it looks like. The kid kind of like glances over at my car. Just very briefly. And then continues on their way. And when that happened, it made me remember being in middle school, I have this very clear memory for me being in middle school and having to be outside for my gym class and seeing adults going about their lives, like going into different places and doing adulty things.

And looking at them with such longing, right? I was like, oh, one day, one day I won't need to do this stupid school thing that I don't like. One day I'll be free. One day I'll be able to just kind of like wake up later in the day and I'll, you know, I'll be an adult. I'll be able to do all these cool things that adults get to do.

I'll be doing them. I remember looking at that and just thinking like, oh gosh, I can't, that seems so. Incredibly unimaginably far away that it almost was hard to think about. It made me sad to think about it as a kid. It's oh, it's gonna be so long before I'm able to do that kind of stuff.

And it was little things like you'd see an adult get into a car, start the car and drive away, and it's like, oh man, one day I'll be able to drive. That'll be so great. It'll be so good. I cannot wait. And then I'd that I cannot wait. Thing would be like, oh, but I have to wait. And then that would make me sad.

So I saw a kid kind of glance at me and, and this is that projection I was referring to earlier, I thought that's what that kid maybe just did right there, right? Maybe not. Of course, maybe the kid just glanced over and didn't think a damn thing. But in my head, that's kind of what I assumed happened.

But of course I knew that I was assuming I didn't take that assumption to be fact. Anyways, all that is going down and at the same time, here I am now as an adult looking at these kids and I'm having that kinda longing that I described when I was a kid looking at an adult thinking, oh, if one day I'll be able to do that.

I had a different kind of experience of longing here. I looked at these kids and I thought, oh man, there's so much. That I miss about that time in my life. I wish I could go back to that, but unlike when I was a kid and I did know that one day I would be an adult. As an adult, looking back, I know that I'll never be a kid again.

It's different in that way and it's weird. It's a weird thing for me. It's weird. Anyways, and it's this very, like I said, subtle longing that comes up for me. I long to be. Young. I long to be a kid. I long to have my life structured in a way where I don't have to worry about a lot of the things that I do worry about currently, where it doesn't even occur to me to worry about that stuff.

I'm like, yeah, that would be nice. It'd be nice to return to that. I remember just spending time with kids, other kids who were my friends. Doing not much of anything and just talking and through talking, [00:10:00] figuring things out. And uh, you know, it's weird because I, I can also say now, like, looking back at this as an adult, I'm probably glorifying this to an excessive degree.

In the form of my memories. It's a lot more. Pleasant that I'm sure it actually was, because I also know that middle school was probably the most difficult time of my life from an emotional perspective.

I mean, the emotions that I was feeling at that moment, those years, they were doozies man. And I know that I was probably a pretty insufferable middle school aged kid for all sorts of different reasons. I did not like that time in my life. It was not fun. It was a time that I actually. I probably would not really want to return to, given the choice, like if there was, I don't know, magic and I could go back to that, if there was like some sort of, I don't know, you know, I encounter a wizard in the Wizards like, Hey, check this out, man.

I can send you back to a time in your life I can send you, but it's gonna be middle school. Do you wanna take it? I'd have to really think about that. My guess is I would say no, and I would say no because it's middle school. , If the wizard said high school, I think I would still probably say no.

Actually, if the wizard said different moments when I was in. College. Oh, now maybe I'd start seeing it a little bit more appealing. That wasn't a bad time for me. Thirties. When I was in my thirties. That was a good time, , I guess as I get closer to where I am now, it seems more appealing.

That's kind of interesting, isn't it? That, uh, he, so this brings up a question. This brings up a question for me. It's just occurred to me as I'm speaking. What is it that I long for? When I see these kids outside running the mile...

I don't long to have to return to a body that is in the early throes of adolescents going through all of the very difficult things that has to offer. Don't want any of that. So what is it exactly? That I'm longing for because as I do this mental exercise where I think about it and I'm like, okay, let's go to the next phase of my life, what I want.

Does that seem more appealing? It seems slightly more appealing. Okay. Let's go to the next phase of my life. Does that seem more appealing? Again, slightly more appealing, and as I get closer to where I am now, there's a lot it, the appeal of going back seems greater, which is odd because I wouldn't be getting as much time back if I went back to say my thirties.

As I would, if I say went back to my middle school years, so what, what is it that I am experiencing when I see these kids? And I experience that very subtle form of longing, which comes really quickly and also fades very quickly. It's, it kind of comes up, I notice it, it doesn't really stick around.

And then my thoughts move on to other things that I need to think about, generally speaking, things that I am going to try to accomplish during the day. Things that I don't want to forget because if I forget to do them, my life will become com. That's what happens, right? I'm like, okay, so then I go home.

I'm gonna have to fold the laundry and I'm gonna also need to, uh, run to the grocery store and pick up these things because I notice this morning that we were running really low, and if I don't pick them up, then I am going to have a problem later on in the week when I want it to be there, and it's not.

That's what happens, and that longing just goes right away. Right? I'm, I'm back into the flow of my. Here and now day to day life. But it does happen. That longing does show up and I think, oh yeah, I, I feel it. I really do. And it's weird. And I guess the question that has occurred to me in making this weird podcast

is, what is it that I'm longing for? And I don't know, I actually can't put that into words in this moment. 'cause when I think about it, there isn't anything there. There's a, I mean there is something there, but I don't know what it is. That's probably a better way to put it. And so I'm gonna stop talking now and just like let that question be there.

I'm gonna hang out with it for a bit. Well, I do that. And if you wanna hang out with that question, of course you are welcome to do so. If not, that too is fine. And I will say to you, whoever you are listening to this, make some glorious mistakes. Pay attention. Tune into your own subjective experience of time and see what you notice.

You take care.