Have You Done a Mental Health Checkup in Home Recently?

We take our kids to check-ups and teeth cleanings, but do we check in on their mental health? Often, we don't consider mental health in our parenting unless we sense something is wrong. In this episode, our favorite clinical counselor talks to us about how to stay attuned to our kids' mental well-being. What are the day-to-day things we can do to promote and equip our kids with a foundation for whole-body healthy living?

Creators & Guests

Host

Becca Coffey Alvarez

Host

Holly Diakandru

KH

Guest

Kristina Holwerda

What is Parenting for the Everyday?

Parenting for the Everyday is a Christian parenting podcast consisting of two moms down in the trenches of parenthood. These moms are setting out to ask all the burning questions about parenting. From how to keep your toddler in bed to when to talk to your kids about sex and everything in between, you don’t want to miss this parenting advice.

New episodes are released on the second and fourth Wednesday of every month. Don’t miss out on the best parenting advice!

this is parenting for the everyday a

podcast dedicated to meeting parents in

the trenches of Parenthood we explore

how our faith fits into our parenting

with the help of our guests we are

seeking practical tips on how the gospel

can speak into our day-to-day parenting

from the easy stuff to the hard stuff we

want to talk about it all this is

parenting for the every day I'm Becca

Alvarez and I'm holiday krew and today

we have in our studio Christina helera

uh to talk about just such an important

topic as we enter a season that is busy

and getting busier it's so easy to get

wrapped up in stressed and anxiety and

um just something that we really wanted

to check in was a mental health episode

to talk through how can we recognize it

in our kids how can we recognize it in

ourselves and how can we really create a

sense of resilience in the family unit

um so let's go ahead and kick it off

dive in yeah and dive in you probably

recognize Christina we've had her on

before we're so thankful that you keep

coming back and we haven't scared you

away um but Christina will you just real

quick um for those of us who don't know

you will you just do a little intro of

who you are what you do and why this

kind of matters to you a little bit

mental health in general yeah yeah for

sure um I'm Christina howarda I um am a

uh lisw which is a licens independent

social worker um I am a clinical

counselor So currently in practice I um

counsel children here at CCC uh children

adolescence and young adults um I am

also a wife and a mother my husband Mike

howarda is a pastor here uh three kids

brayden's eight K is three and baa is

one can't believe it um yeah great we're

we're just we're so excited to have you

on here and I was saying before we

started uh rolling I think we sit we

talk about leav really big mental health

issues like let's talk about anxiety

let's talk about depression and those

are all conversations we want to have

but there's also a conversation to have

of just like what is just normal healthy

mental health what does that look like

how do we keep a pulse on that in our

kids how do we encourage that are there

things we're doing that could hinder

that um so maybe let's just start with

like the basic what role does mental

health even play in a child overw well

over overall well-being yeah yeah yeah

so I think like a basic definition of

mental is a state of mental well-being

um that the World Health Organization

says enables us to cope with the

stressors of Life realize our abilities

learn well and work well and contribute

to our society so it has a large scope

but also I think mental health is not

only about feeling good or about feeling

happy or relaxed or at ease all the time

um mental health is about having

feelings that make sense in their

context and then handling those feelings

well so for good right there that's good

that's good already so for example if

your kid's best friend moves away and

they feel deeply upset about that that's

actually evidence of their mental health

it's appropriate yeah and I think that's

an important definition and distinction

because oftentimes we equate distress

with the mental health concern and I

just don't think that's an accurate

equation like we don't want an

underreaction and we don't want an

overreaction what we want is feelings to

make sense in their context and honestly

this is biblical too right like we see a

wide range of emotions from Jesus we see

um weeping in grief when his son Lazarus

dies we see anger when the temple is

used inappropriately um we see Jesus on

the cross crying out in distress my God

my God why have you forsaken me um and

we know that Jesus's emotional

expression is always done imperfection

like think about that like he never had

an inappropriate emotional response to

something yeah this is why Christina is

often on this podcast because she's

amazing so I think like we see how Jesus

does that and how we are to mimic that

so the first part is having emotions

that match the context and then the next

piece of that is handling those emotions

well so um and I think two for how long

so do your kids do they cry do they go

for a run um thinking back to the

example are they going to talk about how

they're going to miss their friend do

they go to Jesus with their sadness or

are they withdrawing and isolating for

extended periods of time um are they

irritable and mean day after day are

they turning it inward on themselves um

it's that divide that actually alerts us

to whether there's a mental health

concern or an appropriate response to a

really hard life situation so we want

emotions that match the context handling

those emotions well and then a gospel

Godly framework in which to process hard

life things yeah I'm I'm just so glad

we're talking about this that I think of

like you know I take my kids to the

pediatrician for their well checks like

for their body well checks um but am I

spending enough time talking about these

things or even looking and watching and

saying like okay wait where are are our

emotions in check are you responding

appropriately are we talking about it

and so I'm I'm just excited for yeah and

I love the way that you just described

that because the symptomology that you

just described you can see in all

different ages of kids it doesn't often

when I think of mental health I think of

something that I don't really have to

deal with for a long time because my

kids are three in one uh but the truth

is that they are expressing their

emotions all the time if not in excess

in their in their young age right now so

building

healthy ability to express emotion

now you can kind of build on as they get

older um which I haven't always thought

of that in the same category as mental

health but it really is yeah um so okay

I'm trying to think you said a lot so

I'm trying to think where we should

should we diving next um so I guess

should we start with maybe even like

what are some mental health myths I mean

you already said one right off the bat

that this is like you are sad or you

know that that is a myth in of s that

you're not happy all the time are there

some other myths that we could just

debunk yeah yeah I thought of a few um

and any that you guys also think of I'd

love to hear as well but um I think one

is kind of going along with that that it

all looks the same right which I is just

not true um sometimes it is like the

overreaction or the anger the visible

anxiety but sometimes it's not um and so

to be mindful of that um I think another

one is that hard emotions just need a

boost of positivity um um or that um you

shouldn't talk about the hard stuff

because you just draw attention to it

and that's just not true um I think

another one is that emotionally

struggling is um an indictment on the

strength of your faith or that you

should just like trust God more yeah um

and I think that just you know

oversimplifies it obviously and also is

not what we're seeing in scripture over

and over again so um those are three

kind of bigger ones or more common ones

that I kind of thought of I don't think

that this is necessarily A but I think

that's something that parents can

struggle with often is if if my toddler

is having a hard time I almost

overcompensate with my own emotions to

try to shut down his you know instead of

kind of just giving him space to feel

what he's feeling there's uh I have an

instinct to go it's okay you're okay

you're okay it's fine it's fine we're

going to kind of put that off and make

you feel better so that I can feel

better because your discomfort is making

me uncomfortable you know and um and if

you put that in the context of even that

mental health definition that we just

talked about you want kids to feel

appropriate emotions so if you can enter

into even your toddler's world and see

like oh it's appropriate for you to feel

mad that you have to share this toy you

love with your brother like I get that

doesn't mean that you're now responding

to it appropriately there's something

else we can address but hey it's okay

that you feel mad about that yeah and

that probably I mean it starts as a

toddler but that's got to go all the way

I mean into adulthood we should still be

like kind of recognizing that so what

what are some ways as parents that we

could help Foster some of that open um

communication or even identifying those

those emotions like what what are things

that we could be doing um I don't know

to do it to do it well yeah yeah to like

build communication with your kids

around emotion yes um honestly there's a

lot you can do um I think first it

starts with us as parents right like you

guys are always saying more is caught

than talk we got to stop saying that

because everybody keep bring it back we

can make it a tagline hell yeah yeah um

um but I think if you as a parent aren't

comfortable talking about your own

emotions personally it's going to be

really hard for you to do that well in

parenting so if that's the case for you

I think like dig into that a little bit

like figure out where that comes from or

why that is and maybe even seek your own

help or counsel in that um and then I

would give you three strategies uh first

this might seem obvious but in order to

talk about emotions you have to have a

robust emotion vocabulary um and it's

never too early to start that you know

you can start really young um um with

young kids I think it looks like you

know getting books that talk about

emotions or that have a lot of emotional

expression and so you can pause and look

at the pictures with your kids and point

them out and ask your kids like what do

you think they might be feeling here um

different shows like Daniel Tiger be

love we always make sure it's like part

of our show rotation um but this can

also age with your kids right like

obviously the content will change but

these are still strategies that you can

continue to use as your kids get older

um I also like to observe kids emotions

like to kids like I'll say like oh boy

it looks like you're sad why are you

feeling sad or like back to that other

example like I it is hard to share your

toys and that makes you mad I get that

and then you can go on to like redirect

or handle the situation however you're

going to um with kids in my office I'll

say things like what I think I'm hearing

you say is that this this situation felt

really isolating um or whatever word

fits and sometimes I might be wrong but

just offering that observation invites

them to kind of correct me or or help

them reflect on what they might be

feeling in that moment um and then you

can pull in resources you know like

feelings charts or feelings wheel which

we're all a big fan of um but I think it

also helps with kids who tend to be

internalizers um because it helps them

learn how to actually uh Express those

emotions and you can also do it like

first in their situation so if you're

you have a kid who's an internalizers

you can um anticipate or notice what you

think they might be feeling and say like

hey it makes me really sad that your

friend treated you that way I can

understand if it would make you feel sad

too right so it's like you're modeling

it and you're almost taking that first

step in vulnerability for them so um

that can be really helpful the second I

would say it's important to think about

the environment or reaction you give

when your kids do share their feelings

um vulnerability is hard and so

validation is really really important um

and in almost any context I would say to

start with with validation and then move

on to whatever is next because your kids

need to feel seen and safe in sharing

their emotions um I think sometimes

parents can move past that way too

quickly and jump right to problem

solving um or they're resistant to

validate because either they um feel

like the emotion's too big or honestly

maybe it is maybe the emotion is a

little dramatic um or they don't

understand the emotion um so you're like

how can I validate it if I don't get it

um even well let me like cuz even in my

case it would be sometimes um someone

will share an emotion and I um I could

see like where my kid might have caught

like done something to add to it and so

I'm like if I validate that am I saying

then like you handled the situation

correctly yeah right does that make

sense so it's like yeah but I don't know

so I think for me it's what you're

saying is like are you validating it

does that doesn't necessarily mean that

you're saying hey everything that

happened is great and I'm just saying

like what you feel right now I'm

acknowledging it correct totally

absolutely um and I think in situations

like that like you can use language like

I see that you're feeling really right

so it's like you're just like noticing

the emotion so it's like you're building

this connection with your kids like I

like invalidation to boo boo kisses when

kids are little cuz like if my son

scrapes his knee and runs to me like my

kiss doesn't heal his scrape right but

it's just about feeling seen and cared

for it builds connections with your kids

um and I think when done well validation

can actually diffuse an emotion um

because if I feel like my frustration is

seen I don't have to overstate my

frustration in order for it to be

responded to so it doesn't mean that

you're validating how they're handling

everything but you're just seeing where

your your kid is and you can even

experience this as an adult right like

when you're talking with a friend or

your partner or whatever you know what

it's like when you feel like you're not

actually seen for how it's hitting you

even if it's not healthy or Justified

and how it's hitting you yeah no that's

that's helpful man oh sorry go ahead I

was just going to say this is so good

for so many different reasons but one of

them being a lot of times that I see big

emotions it's when we're in a hurry it's

when we're in a public place it's when

we're already over tired and over

stimulated and so while you're talking

it's just convicting me so much of just

P just take a pause take a

minute decompress with them validate

their emotion um don't always be in such

a rush because when I'm rushing I make

them small you know like let's tuck it

away put it in your pocket and let's

let's go um where that's not that's not

helpful for them it's it's important to

slow down as parents be secure in our

own parenting don't take things as a

reflection of you and just focus focus

on them well sometimes it can actually

be more productive yeah oh yeah it yeah

it would help the emotion so much better

than than trying to extinguish it yeah

and I want to I I want to jump to

problem solve so I want to jump to like

okay we've had a problem how how can we

solve it how can we you know and there's

damage in that and not sitting in like

okay let me just make sure you know in

this house you are seen you know and I

see you and whatever emotion that you've

brought in right yeah so then I would

just give two practical tips one would

be um to pay attention to when your kids

naturally share um and try to

intentionally build that into to your

life so for example I had a mom who said

that she noticed her daughter would

share a lot when they were driving

together and then once she got her

license she noticed that she wasn't

hearing from her daughter as much

anymore so she had to be intentional

about you know if I tell her we can grab

Starbucks on the way to run an erand

together she'd come with me and then

we're talking more so just kind of being

mindful of those things and being

intentional about building that in um

the other thing I would say is to have

it be a part of your family worship time

like notice like when Jesus has emotions

or God has them and in response to what

um or all the ways the Bible shows us

that like the Lord invites us to him in

our emotions um or even the Psalms like

just the fact that like the lord gave us

an entire book of the Bible all about

like deep emotional expression um but

showing us how to do it in a way that

like honors and glorifies the Lord so

you're using the Bible to normalize

emotions and talking about them yeah I

have a question that is going to be off

off topic a little bit not off topic but

off of our our pre- questions um how do

you bring your spouse into it because I

think that as women I'm more comfortable

talking about emotions than my male

spouse and I would assume that there are

a lot of dads out dads out there that

maybe don't feel as comfortable talking

about emotion How would how would you

guys bring your spouses into

it well I think one you could maybe have

a conversation with your spouse like

between the two of you like initially

kind of address it like um between the

two of you and talk about like why

that's important or even like we kind of

talked about initially like if that is

uncomfortable like kind of figure out

why that is and um how to work through

that a little bit um I think another

practical tip that can make it easier is

like if you have it be a part of like

dinner time or whenever you have your

family time together um if you were to

do like a high and a low or if you have

a feelings chart that you have like on

your dinner table or um you go around

and you say like okay what's one H happy

or positive emotion you felt today

what's one hard emotion you felt today

and how did you deal with it so I think

like you know it can be powerful for

kids to hear their dad say like yeah I

had this presentation today and I felt

really anxious about it and so you know

I took a couple minutes I prayed I tried

to take some deep breaths and then I

went reminded myself like the Lord has

like gifted me in this and I walked into

it right and so it's like you can even

ease into how do you talk about emotions

in a way that feels like more empowering

for you that then hopefully you just

keep learning to do it together we've

talked a lot about um just communication

and obviously that being really really

important between your your spouse with

your kids with their siblings um but

what are some other prct iCal I don't

know if coping mechanisms is the right

word but tools maybe Tools in our

toolbox um to help have just healthy

mental health States in our house or to

encourage um healthy mental living

that's I think I just made that phrase

up but I think you know what I mean I do

um when someone comes in my office we

talk about like three different areas we

talk about healthy habits healthy coping

and healthy processing okay um so I

think healthy habits are ways you

support your mental health or set

yourself up well in order to have your

healthiest stress response um so three

big ones are sleep exercise and

nutrition um sleep is an active time for

your brain it's when it cleans out

toxins from the day and research has

shown that your amydala the Emergency

Response Center in your brain that

activates your fight flight or freeze is

most impacted by inadequate sleep than

any other part of your brain oh boy

which is crazy unfortunate news

yeah um exercise or physical activity it

offsets symptoms of an activ ated

amydala it burns off excess adrenaline

it's known to promote growth in brain

cells and the release of dopamine the

happy hormone um and it doesn't always

have to be intense like going for a walk

is really good for your mental health um

there's actually research that shows if

you walk outside your eyes naturally

shift from right to left as you're

taking in what you're seeing which is

essentially creating neurop Pathways

from your right brain to your left brain

connecting logic to emotion um so

actually the trauma therapy EMDR was

developed out of that research that's so

that God would create your your brain to

do that that's so cool yes um nutrition

eating nutritious foods but also eating

consistently like not skipping meals

because a drop in blood sugar can mimic

feelings of anxiety um another

interesting fact is that 95% of

Serotonin receptors are found in the

lining of your gut so what you eat can

actually impact your

mood

um so much there's so much mind is

taking so much in but it I I mean all

these are so good for like you know I'm

thinking but this is also like for

grownups like am I doing these things

are my kids watching me do these things

so that they then recognize like oh she

makes it a priority like we go for a

walk you know we go you know are we

doing these things am I encouraging my

kids to like hey no no put that down

have an apple instead you know type

thing and that's just like those are

just healthy habits right like that's

not even specifically about coping so

then coping is how you handle or deal

with your emotions or channeling that

emotion into something constructive

instead of destructive um um so we can

talk about clinical ones like breathing

techniques or grounding skills or

mindfulness but then it's also just

things like journaling or listening to

music or um do like taking quiet calm

space for a little bit or um doing

something creative like drawing or

coloring or painting um and then

physical activity can also be a coping

skill right like going for a walk going

for a run especially for boys there's

definitely a physicality to emotions so

doing something physical can help

release that emotion while whether it's

like kicking a soccer ball against the

basement wall or punching bag Sprints

jumping jacks like anything physical um

yeah are we yeah again just as a parent

am I creating space for those things to

happen I even think like if if our day

is so uh full you know I haven't created

space for my kids to have these Outlets

you know that could be a disservice so

you know I'm just I'm taking it all in

yeah yeah and I think like it's

important for parents to model these

things um healthy habits but also

healthy coping like I you don't have to

hide the fact that you have an emotional

reaction I think it's probably even

better for your kids to see that and

then see what you do to handle that well

or how to cope with that emotion or if

you mess it up then you go back and you

apologize you acknowledge that you

messed it up and then you try again or

you know like I'll talk to parents

sometimes of adolescence and say like if

you're in a conversation with your teen

and you're starting to get really

frustrated like you can say that like

you know what I'm feeling really

frustrated in this moment I just need to

take a couple deep breaths let's pause

the conversation like why don't we do it

together and then you continue on right

so modeling it is good um don't feel

like you can't have the emotion as the

parent yeah that's

good did you have a third you have a

third okay oh well healthy processing

which I think we've kind of talked about

and I think we're going to go into

talking about a little bit more um

question we're talking about mental

health and the importance of it and the

importance to create space for it is

there ever a time that it can be over

emphasized and like almost give people

an excuse I think it's a good I mean

culture right now yeah like mental

health like I can't cuz of my anxiety my

mental health you hear that a lot or not

good for my mental health MH so what is

a where do we find the balance between

overemphasizing

and maybe crippling I use that lightly

um and then the other side of giving

space and building resilience MH yeah I

think we're going to head into

resilience a little bit which we can

kind of um walk into that in a minute as

well but I also think like there is a

cultural trendiness of it um that I

think is important to be aware of um the

Fuller youth Institute came out with a

book recently or maybe actually a couple

years ago based on research study um

it's called the three big questions that

change every teenager and it talks about

how every teenager is looking for

belonging identity and purpose and so um

I think at times it's possible for like

a elevated mental health struggle to

come out of like a desire for belonging

or a group of friends who find their

identity in that um which doesn't make

it any less delicate but it just informs

kind of how you respond um I also think

like this is kind of what you asked

maybe in a different light um you know

we talked about building an intentional

time to talk with your kids I think

sometimes bedtime can be a good time

because things are quieting down

sometimes it can be the worst time

because if your kids are extra tired and

now you're giving attention to something

in an emotional space you're creating a

bigger problem out of something when

you're actually not in the right head

space to process through it so I do

think you're mindful of how you bring

attention to it or how you respond to it

um I think if you know kind of going

into that resilience conversation like

there is ways to build resilience or to

help your

kids work on just because something's

hard doesn't mean I don't do it um so I

think you

know we do need to let our kids struggle

um in small ways and then sometimes like

in real big ways um and I don't it

doesn't mean that we do it from afar we

just push them into it right like we

draw near like the Lord draws near to us

as well um we prepare them for it we

talk through it um we help them

anticipate what is maybe to come and so

that they feel empowered and ready to

walk into that situation um but I think

our kids need to know that they are

capable and that we believe that they

are capable right um I actually had a

one of my son's teachers call me out on

this one time because he was struggling

with something and I just swooped into

to do it for him um and he was like he

can do it and I was like okay but I was

actually really appreciative because

it's true like I need my son to have the

experience of like this is hard and I

might struggle through it but I can

still do it and I can't just give up and

I can work my way through it um and I

think that's true in big and in small

ways um and I think honestly like it

builds a resilience in our faith as well

like Romans 5 tells us suffering

produces perseverance perseverance

character and character hope um and we

as adults like know that to be true like

we can point to experiences in our life

where we see like well struggle was hard

like this is how I came to know the Lord

as healer or

or my dependence on him um so you know

there's ways you do it where you're

leading your children to Jesus in it or

you're empowering them in it um but it

doesn't mean that you you scoop them

from the struggle yeah from doing the

hard

thing which is hard it's hard it's so

hard so hard yeah it's even hard in the

in my very small context of it of seeing

Ezekiel my three-year-old get frustrated

with small tasks you know and I'll and

I'll let him do it for a little little

bit and then want to want to fix it or

help them or put a shoe on for him you

know like little little things I can't

imagine as it gets bigger and there are

things that you can probably fix for

your kids but it's just better to let

them do it on their own yeah I'll just

I'll just tell you it's hard okay I'll

speak from that experience um I think

another way you build resilience in your

kids is with like empowerment and

building like a healthy confidence and

identity right because it's hard for you

to think oh I can't do this hard thing

if you don't think good things about

yourself so like I encourage parents to

not let a day go by where you're not

speaking some kind of goodness or

positive reinforcement over your kids um

and I like to frame it in like I love

that God made you and then picking out

unique qualities about them like you're

creative you're thoughtful you're

curious so that way you're anchoring it

in the ways that the Lord intentionally

designed them um or you know I notice

things that your kids are doing like

I'll say to my son like I can I tell you

something I noticed today I noticed that

you are courageous because even though

you felt nervous you still did this um

and it reminds me of that verse in

Joshua God tells us be strong and

courageous for I'm with you wherever you

go so you're you're anchoring it all in

this is your worth that the Lord has

given you and and you're enabling it

with the power of the of the word yeah I

love that while we're on that topic if

you're starting to notice that your

child is kind of name calling themselves

and having pretty negative selft talk uh

what's a good intervention with that CU

I feel like my instinct would be like

don't say that about yourself but that

doesn't really fix it that

just yeah I think um personally how I

would respond to that is I would say

like oh it makes me really sad to hear

you say that about yourself I don't

think those things of you I know the

Lord doesn't think those things of you

either like where' that come from where

do you think that came from and what do

you think the Lord would speak to to you

over that um what are some truth

statements that we can say in response

to that

um things like that yeah I feel like we

could keep going on and on and on but we

are running out of time so um I just

want to uh kind of end it with one last

question of you know all of these things

um we've talked about are kind of like

normal walks through mental health that

we would expect our kids to have seasons

where they struggle and don't struggle

and we can walk them through but let's

just maybe create a a line that says hey

at what point would we maybe need to

seek some help or recognize like hey

this is outside a normal mental health

check and this is outside a normal

problem we probably need a professional

to come in and give us some guidance

here um maybe just speak to that and

then we'll we'll just wrap it up yeah I

think um you know if we're talking about

anything clinical the things that we

tend to look at is how much it's

impairing functioning so like how much

it's getting inter it's interfering with

their ability to do day-to-day things um

the the duration of it so if it's like

an intense emotion for an extended

period of time that's always something

that would raise alarms um I think any

drastic change is something to be

mindful of um sleep changes big change

in academic performance things like that

um I also think like it doesn't have to

be drastic to seek help right like I

don't it's never bad to invite other

voices into your kids lives um

especially there's going to come a time

where your teenager is just not going to

hear your voice for a little while and

that happens for everybody and having a

different adult say the exact same thing

that you're saying they're going to hear

it differently so um there are times

where it's like yes you need to seek

help and then there's other times where

it might be like hey why don't why don't

we just seek help it's not like a

emergent situation but it's not going to

be a negative thing or even asking your

child like would you be interested in

this I I love that you said that CU even

that habit of into an adulthood of like

hey this let's normalize this let's

normalize other voices and you having a

space that you can process um because

you know life changes and knowing like

oh this is a normal thing I'm an adult

now this is something that I could do to

get some so I love that you said that um

this has been like a wealth of knowledge

I just I personally am so grateful just

this is good for me to have this

check-in and this um just reminders of

things to be doing at home and so I'm

I'm really grateful for you yeah thank

you Christina thank you for bringing

just your wisdom and your knowledge and

you're just amazing um that's all the

time that we have unfortunately but

thank you guys so much for tuning in

please tune in next time this has been

parenting for the everyday