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Stranded at a kitchen island, forced to watch her bake. Actor Sarah Herrman is Desserted and one new victim each week must face pastry purgatory as they bargain and banter their way off the island.
Sarah is known equally for mega-viral baking blunders and for her executive production and co-stardom in festival hits such as Maddie’s Secret (2025) and The Scout (2025). In 2027 she will be seen in theaters starring opposite Bryan Cranston, Judy Greer, Sean Astin, and John Goodman in Chili Finger, in which a woman finds a finger in her chili. No promises that limbs will not be sacrificed on this show as well, pending any need to satiate starvation.
Now make haste and press play…the Vultures are circling!
Hello, and welcome to episode two of the Desserted podcast, the podcast where I, Sarah Herrman, strand guests at my kitchen island and force them to watch me bake. It's gonna be an interesting episode today because I am stranded alone today because my producer, Chrysanthemum, felt that would be a good idea. Chrysanthemum is the pseudonym that I have decided to assign to her. Yeah. And, you know, I arrived at the studio.
Sarah:I realized I hadn't brought any charging cables and that all of my phones that I'm recording with are dade. They are dade, they are gone. Then the wonderful Jeremy, or is it Jared? I'll have to ask him. I think it's Jeremy.
Sarah:He had one that I could use. Today we are going to be making ice cream cake cupcakes for Ben's birthday. I forgot the ice cream in my freezer in my apartment in Manhattan. So we're going to have to do a segment that I didn't anticipate us doing until episode five or six because I thought I would have my shit together. I was gonna call it the GoPro of shame, and I was gonna wear a GoPro and we'd have to go to the grocery store together so I could get the ingredients that I forgot.
Sarah:But I don't have a GoPro. So we're just gonna call it the Wok of Shame, but we're gonna spell it W O K because that's a type of food. And I guess it's better to have a food pun, even if it can't be a dessert pun than have it be the GoPro of shame when I don't have a GoPro. So, yeah. So that's what we're doing.
Sarah:This is also our first episode with a name. Very exciting. And we just have to remember that this is part of my charm. This is what you all like. You all like when I'm disorganized.
Sarah:Excuse me. Did you say your name was Jeremy? Derek. Derek. I wasn't even close.
Sarah:Wow. Okay. Derek, I forgot almost every ingredient that I need, so I'm gonna go get those. So how should I get back in? So his name wasn't Jeremy or Jared, it was Derek.
Sarah:So episode two is starting really strong. I'm a white girl walking down the street in Bushwick going to the grocery store to buy ingredients that I forgot for my baking video podcast in Bushwick. I wish I was fucking dead. I switched grocery stores because that one was a bodega. This one, I think, makes more sense.
Sarah:Did I mention that I burned my wrist this morning while I was ironing? Which I think just proves my point that traditional male and female roles are important. I really shouldn't be ironing at all. That's man's work. They're definitely not gonna have the ice cream that I want, which was the ice cream cake flavored ice cream from Van Lewins, but we're gonna improvise.
Sarah:Oh, and it's locked. It is locked. It is incarcerated. You know what? We'll get the non frozen things first, so we'll do that.
Sarah:The goods have been secured. I had to get some sort of knockoff version of double stuffed Oreos instead of normal ones because it was a health food store. And we're back. We've got butter. We've got no bake cookie dough.
Sarah:We've got, I'm covering the label on where this is from because I'm mad at them. Hot fudge, covering the label piece, I'm mad. Sprinkles, these are not Oreos, but I'm curious if they're better than Oreos. We're gonna try one right now. Oh, but then also I have, don't look at the labels because I'm mad at them.
Sarah:Okay, let's try one and see if they're as good as Oreos. Yeah, they're good. That'll do. That'll do. That'll work.
Sarah:Step one. You know what? First, I need to drink some water. First, I need to calm down. I need to relax a little because I'm overstimulated.
Sarah:I'm putting little liners in. These are the only liners I could find. I don't really like them, but that's what we're doing. Boom, done. All is life.
Sarah:What are they, what do they call these if they're not? Oh, sandwich cookies. They're double classic cream sandwich cookies. Now we have to squish them with butter. Great.
Sarah:Let me squish. Okay, well, while I squish, I'm gonna tell you guys about, the vultures already know about the British man, but I'm going to retell it for those of you that don't know the lore. So many moons ago, about two weeks before I went to Rural Illinois to film Chili Figure, I met this guy in Tinder. We went on one date. It was great.
Sarah:We both really liked each other. Was like, oh, it's too bad that I'm gonna have to leave and be gone for like a month because I was going to Rural Illinois for one month. And the month after that, was gonna be in LA. Went on this nice date with this guy, had a lot in common. The vibe was vibing as the kids would say.
Sarah:I was like, oh, it's too bad I'll never see this man again because I have to leave. The next morning I get a text from him and he's like, Oh, it's so nice to meet you. Like, I'd love to spend more time with you before you leave. And I'm like, Okay, great. So basically we we see each other like seven more times in two weeks.
Sarah:And then I spend the last like two nights at his place before I leave to go to Illinois. Then while I'm filming Chili Finger, which up until this point had been the biggest project I'd ever done, and I was really excited about it, I'm talking to this guy every day. We're FaceTiming, we're talking on the phone, texting, and it's great. And then I'm in LA and he comes to visit for like four days. And while he's there, he says to me, he says, you know, we're having a nice time.
Sarah:He like booked a horseback riding thing for us where we like went to Malibu and rode these horses together at sunset. And then we're on the balcony at my Airbnb and he says, Would you want to be in a relationship with me? And I'm like, Yeah, sure. He goes back to New York. He goes back to New York and then he starts to get weird.
Sarah:He starts to get distant. He's not talking to me as much. But I also know that he's really busy with work. So I try not to be too clingy. But also the plan for when I got back from LA to New York was that I would stay with him for two weeks while I was looking for a new apartment.
Sarah:Like a week before I'm supposed to go back to New York, he texted me and he's like, Hey, so Or no, this was on Facebook. Was like, Hey, so don't be mad at me, but I don't think you should stay with me while you're back because what if one of us has a long day and we just want to be alone? And I'm like, okay. And he's like, Oh, but you should definitely get an Airbnb that's near me so we can still see each other all the time. And I'm like, Okay.
Sarah:And then a few days after that, we were supposed to be going to this film festival together. And so I mentioned that I told some mutual friends that like, oh, British guy and I are going be there together because we are seeing each other. And when I tell him this, that I had told these people this, which previously he had said was fine, he freaks out. And he's like, how could you say that? We're moving too soon.
Sarah:Like, I don't want to be in a relationship right now. And I'm like, my guy, but a month ago, you asked me if I wanted to be your girlfriend. And he's like, what are you talking about? I never said that. And I'm like, yes, you did.
Sarah:We were on the balcony at my Airbnb and you were like, would you want to be my girlfriend? And I said, yes. And he's like, oh, no. I meant like, would you want to be my girlfriend? Like in the future?
Sarah:And I'm like, Oh, so I feel very stupid. I feel stupid. I feel very dumb. I get back to New York. I pick a Airbnb near him.
Sarah:I see him twice. He's acting weird. And then he's like, Oh, I'm leaving for a week now to go to Paris with a friend. Deuces. And I'm like, Okay.
Sarah:And so then I text him, I feel horrible about myself. I feel like I'm going insane. I feel like I've been love bombed, which I didn't know was a thing until this happened. And I'm really like, my self confidence is gone. It's shot.
Sarah:I feel horrible. Also, like, I'd really appreciate it if I didn't see you at this festival where we were supposed to go together. And he's like, I completely respect that. And then the festival happens. The festival happens and there's like a red carpet aspect of it.
Sarah:And so I am getting ready for that. And I get a text from him and it's like, Hey, by the way, I'm here at the festival. So I just don't want you to be like nervous if you see me or something. And I don't answer. And then that night I see him and it's kind of awkward.
Sarah:And then the next day I get a message from him and it's a screenshot from Deadline article where there's a picture of me in it. And he's like, Oh my God, look, you're a celebrity. You look so beautiful. Can we get drinks or dinner later? And I do not respond.
Sarah:Yeah, he just keeps acting weird and apologizing. He made me feel really shitty about myself. And then he kept trying to see me and it really bummed me out. I asked him, please do not communicate with me anymore. Like, not text me.
Sarah:Do not talk to me. I do not want to hear from you because he make me feel like trash. He broke that wish when the first video went viral. He's then he like DMs me and texted me multiple times. I'm like, this is so cool.
Sarah:This is so awesome that you're doing this. And then I realize, oh my God, he latched on to me when I was filming Chili Finger. He slithered back when I had this premiere for a project I was involved in. And then he once again tried to slither his way back into my life when I went viral on social media. So now we see the pattern.
Sarah:And he had gone away, and that was great. He's feeling great. I hadn't thought about him. Last week, I get a message from him. I should really focus on this.
Sarah:I get a DM asking if I had made all my money back for because I also have a film financing company and was asking, Oh, hope you made all your money back for this project, which is very random and weird. Like, why message me this? I don't answer it. But also the last time we I know it's ridiculous. The oven knows.
Sarah:The oven agrees with me. I can do this faster. I need to be better about actually baking and talking at the same time. But anyway, yeah, so basically this man, it just became like every time he would reach out, I had a Pavlovian response where I would just feel awful about myself no matter what. I would just go to a very dark place.
Sarah:And so the last time we spoke, I explained this to him, which was very uncool. It's uncool to tell people that they affect you in such a negative way. But I did that. And I said, you know, because of this, please do not reach out to me ever again because it affects me very, very badly. It's not good for my mental health.
Sarah:That was like eight or nine months ago, and then he DMs me again. And it just makes me really mad because I felt he knows what a jerk he was to me, and he still like, doesn't care enough about me to just leave me alone. And so this is what we've done. Vultures. Vultures, vultchettes.
Sarah:Here's a hot take. If you are a man and you are above six feet tall and you're very muscular and you're successful, I am allowed to make fun of a physical flaw of yours. I just think that's fair. This guy does not have a jawline. He has no chin at all.
Sarah:And it's something he's very self conscious about. And so the next time he reaches out, what I've done is I saved the website of this surgeon in New York who does chin augmentation, so like chin implants. And And the next time this guy reaches out to me, I'm not going to text back. I'm not going to say anything. I'm going to send him a link to the website for this chin augmentation surgeon in New York.
Sarah:Jayfie, I think this would be a fun part where we could have applause, like applause that's coming from the orchestra. And I could bow. And then if we could also then have applause from the mezzanine, and then I could wave to the mezzanine. And then after that, if we could have a third round of applause from the second mezzanine, and then I could wave to all of them, and then I could and I could just walk away because what else is there to say because I've I've done it. I've said it all.
Sarah:There's nothing left to say. So I'm gone. But, yeah, so that's the British guy. That's the British guy. Typically, think boring is typically, I think boring is very dating to talk about is what I was about to say.
Sarah:Typically, I think boring is very dating to talk about. Typically, I think dating is very boring to talk about, but that is such a crazy story that I'm like, oh, no. I'm happy to tell that one. That's a good one. And then how much butter do I pour into this?
Sarah:I have to look for that. I love a muddler, I realized. That's very fun to me. Muddlers, morsels. These are words that spark joy.
Sarah:Who is our ideal guest for this show? People who are strange. People who are strange or have strange stories to tell that we would find entertaining. Obviously, you know, writers, comedians, those guys are they can do that. But I'd love and actually prefer to have guests who are outside of the entertainment industry.
Sarah:So if your mechanic is insane and might have ties to the mob and is a bit loose lipped and might let some 50 year old secrets slip, that would be good. Would love to meet him. Or really anyone who always has a bizarre tale to tell and would be comfortable telling them. But also I'd love a guest in the exact opposite vein, where it's someone who like is in finance and watches sports. Someone who would be almost impossible for me to find common ground with it all.
Sarah:I think that could be very funny. Chrysanthemum, maybe we create like a separate email that people can send guest suggestions to. That could be good. Microwave four. We're gonna mix just some more now that it's heated up.
Sarah:I don't really feel bad about talking about the British guy because everything that he did, there aren't pieces of the story missing. You know? Like he just did those things. There's no defamation lawsuit coming on my way because I told the truth. And also if he does reach out, I can just say it was a different British guy who was six feet tall and muscular and successful.
Sarah:Okay, we're gonna smoosh them. Smoosh them in into their little into their homes. Three fingers works better for some reason. That's what she said. Okay, five minutes.
Sarah:Set out the first ice cream flavor that you need to scoop for twenty to thirty minutes before you need it. Oh no. Oh no, but we need it so soon. Oh, but we need it very Oh. Oh, and we're supposed to let that cool apparently, which is hilarious because I'm not doing that.
Sarah:That's insane. Okay. This is fine. Everything's fine. Everything's great.
Sarah:Okay. So do you guys want to know what the beef with Van Lewin is? Okay. So my idea was that for this episode, because I was going to make be making a ice cream cake with Van Lewin's ice cream cake flavored ice cream. It's very meta.
Sarah:It's a it's a reconstructed deconstruction of an ice cream cake. An excellent movie pairing for it would have been inception. Applause from the orchestra, applause from the mezzanine, applause from a second mezzanine. Jafie, you know what to do. That was my original idea.
Sarah:And also, was like looking into one of the founders of Van Lewins, who I do know lives in New York. And I was like, oh, he's like the keynote speaker at this thing called Cone Con in November, which is think about it for a minute, think about what it could be. That's what it is. It's an ice cream convention. And so, you know, you could riff on that for years.
Sarah:It's very funny. And so I DM'd him, I messaged him, And he never got back to me. So, yeah, so I'm mad. I'm a bit I'm a bit grumpy, grouchy. Though I need to be honest, one of the reasons that I thought I'd be able to get him on One of the reasons that I thought I'd be able to get him on this in the first place was because a few years ago, okay, like many, many, many, many years ago, I saw that he liked me on Hinge.
Sarah:So I thought that would give us a leg up, but I was wrong. So, yeah, so that's that's the beef with Vanluen. So now we're against KitchenAid, Road, but we've forgiven them because I am using their microphones. A big parchment and Vanluen's. Well, no, I have to take that one away.
Sarah:That was that was Road, but we forgave them. So now it's it's KitchenAid parchment, big parchment and valuance. I think it's good to have enemies. I'm excited to do this part just as they're no big cookie dough. We'll make it more more spherical than it is right now because I can feel the edges and I'd like it to be a perfect circle so then I can just Okay, you're fine.
Sarah:Stop. Know your place. Now it wants me to wait for these to cool, which is insane, which is crazy. I'm not going to do that. We're going to put it in the freezer.
Sarah:And here's the thing. It wants me to like scoop this out of these and spread it. I feel like there's a better way to do this. I feel like if I could roll it into a sphere like this is and then cut it, I think that would make more sense. Right?
Sarah:So let's try to do that. That's what I'm going to do. The stuff in the. The You know what? Here you go.
Sarah:Some of you sick fucks are gonna try to get a screenshot of this anyway. So here, do you wanna so you can have your screenshot, but I'm not gonna look happy about it. But you guys might kind of be into that, so there, so you can see the neckbands. That's upsetting. That'll be upsetting to you.
Sarah:Jerk off to that. This might not have been the move. Yeah, that doesn't look good at all. That looks very unfortunate, actually. That looks, very horrible and bad so but I'm gonna keep going.
Sarah:I'm gonna keep going because I like to suffer but I guess while I start doing this I can tell you about about our segments that we're going to be doing on our podcast. So as you know, we have the walk of shame, which we already did, which didn't think we're gonna have to do till later because I thought I'd be prepared in earlier episodes, but I was wrong. I was wrong. I was very stupid. So that's one walk of shame.
Sarah:And the other one is going to be called Battered Woman. And during that guests will be given one minute to roast me as hard as they can. Some guests might not want to do that segment at all. Some will be excited to do it, like my sister, Lucifer. Lucifer will be joining us, I think in our next episode.
Sarah:And she's ready. She's ready. And actually, I do believe her friends are helping her with the battered woman segment, helping her compile insults for me. So that's, it's really nice to know that people are taking being a guest on this podcast seriously. The other segment is key ingredients.
Sarah:That's where I will be telling you the best parts of a article or a documentary. Anything that's long and kind of tedious, but has like good bits, I will tell you the best ones. Tales from the Crypt is a segment where I tell a story or a saying from our dearly departed Mee Maw so that it is as if she is always with us. So today's tale from the crypt is more of just a saying, Okay, this is it. This is it.
Sarah:She said, You know, honey, since your second nose job, I really don't feel comfortable with you dining out with your father alone, because how will they be able to know that you're his daughter and not a mistress? It's a really good Mema one. It's a real good Meemaw quote right there. And no, you won't be able to find pictures of my old nose on the internet because it's been scrubbed. Yeah, the ideal guest for this show is also kind of an asshole because the void we're trying to fill is Meemaw.
Sarah:You know, the credo, if you will, of this page is if you can't think of anything nice to say, say something clever but devastating. That's from a New Yorker cartoon by Emily. I can't remember her last name, but that's another one where I'm gonna repost it because I think it applies to everything that we love. I really do. The sandwich cookie smoosh is very ready.
Sarah:Okay, I did some of this wrong, but it's fine. No one's gonna know. I think we'll do chocolate first. I don't know why that makes sense to me, but it does. So, one oh, that's I wish I could make it flatter.
Sarah:You know, you don't get the ice cream cake cupcakes, you want the you get the ice cream cake cupcakes you need. I believe it was Seal who said that first. Calm down. Those are gonna go in the freezer for a little bit. Okay, new plan.
Sarah:So, we're gonna take those out of there. Those have the Oreo layer, then they have the chocolate layer, and then I'm going to put a fudge layer. Then I'm going to put them back in there so that the fudge can freeze. And then I'm going to put the cookies and cream layer of ice cream. Then I'm going to put the whipped cream layer.
Sarah:Then I'm going to put a drizzle of fudge back on that, and then I'm going to put sprinkles on it. Go team. Some of the fudge layers of these are not going to be equal, which isn't fair. But I think that's good because life isn't fair. And so why should our ice cream cake cupcakes be either?
Sarah:Oh, wait. We still got the cookie dough layer. Where the fuck do I put the Where is that gonna go? Fudge layer, yay. Or maybe I could put cookie dough pieces into the fudge layer?
Sarah:That's what we're doing, that's what's gonna yeah, that's what's happening. Cookie dough pieces into the fudge layer. This is good, this is good, This is this is this is good. This is whimsical. This is fun.
Sarah:This is yeah. This is fun. This is this is the quirk that all of you are here for this sort of fly by the seat of your pants, laissez faire. Is that what is this what you want? Does this make you happy?
Sarah:Because I'm miserable. I feel like I failed, But I'm sorry. I take it all back. Am I allowed to call that segment Tales from the Crypt or is that an IP issue? That's something for Chrysanthemum to worry about.
Sarah:I'm talent. I'm talent. It's a miracle I can even read. Oh, do you know what we can do? We can FaceTime Ben.
Sarah:He almost always. Happy birthday. Thank you. I'm in the middle of filming, making I just woke up. Oh, is there anything you wanna say to the vultures right now?
Sarah:Happy birthday, vultures. It's to me. Don't ask me questions when I wake up. I'm sorry. No.
Sarah:Okay. But I should be done here in, like, in twenty minutes, and then I'm gonna go to your place and bring you the cupcakes. And then we'll go to the bathhouse. Oh, yes. Yes.
Sarah:Yes. Because that's what we're doing because it's your birthday. Yes. In an hour. Right?
Sarah:Yes. In an hour. Oh, great. Okay. Yes.
Sarah:Okay. Alright. Okay. We gotta. Bye.
Sarah:Change of plans. Ben's birthday is at a bathhouse in Boreham Hill at 05:30. I have to go over his place, which will take about thirty minutes. The fudgy ice creamy stuff that we just put onto the ice cream cake cupcakes is still very liquidy. And if I put any more things onto it, they will melt on the way to Ben's.
Sarah:So we're going to take a little field trip. We're going to go to Ben's. We're going to finish. We're going to finish our beautiful ice cream kickoff caves there. Let's go.
Sarah:It took a very long time to get here, forty minutes. And when I was exiting the Uber, I was hit by a woman on a scooter. And she saw this, which is obviously very sad looking. And I was like, I'm so sorry. Are you okay?
Sarah:Are you okay? And she looked at me and she looked at this and she went like she was she was like, was it worth it? This not paying attention in order to save whatever this is? Because it doesn't look good right now. But it will.
Sarah:But it will. But it will. It feels like there's a lot less of this than there was chocolate, but they were the same size. And there we have them. Ice cream cake cupcakes.
Sarah:Thank you all so much for joining us for Desserted episode two. Ben, can you hear me? Yeah. I have to do the cringey thing now. What happened?
Sarah:They fell into some of the things. No. Don't put it back. They're okay. Don't put it back.
Sarah:Don't go in there. It won't make you happy right now. Okay. Happy birthday. Please don't forget to like, rate, review, subscribe, and follow wherever you listen to podcasts or on YouTube.
Sarah:And then this is where our outro music will play that my wonderful friend, Yael, is creating.