Getting Ahead

Cecil Lardbottom, what was he hiding? What could he hide? Only too much or perhaps nothing at all. Dick and Petra endeavour to wrap up their line of questioning only to get drawn into Doc's world of corpses, food and other delicious morsels of information. Will this latest body hold clues to our fishy murderer? Will Doc master the art of baking up pastries? Will Petra question why she wanted to be a detective under a man known as Dick? Listen on to find out. 

What is Dick Clever?

It's a classic tale. A lone detective, a dark town, and a victim with a cod piece stuck in their ear. It's the sort of murder that could turn one to drink, to shun society and start a jazz band in his mother's basement. But not Dick. A man who's not quite Poirot, Sherlock, or Jake Peralta, but a man whose very much...well, Dick. Accompanied by a pallet of colourful characters, sharp tongues, wit and humour, we follow Dick and co on a bizarre journey to find truth, justice, and just how long a telephone cord really is.

(Dick Clever, Episode Twelve, Getting Ahead)

THEME / JAZZ HORN PLAYING UNDERNEATH:

DICK: We had just started the questioning of the giant food distributor Cecil
Lardbottom. The only man in history, whose stomach was affected by
the moon's gravity.

THEME OUT.

LARDBOTTOM: I have nothing to hide, Detective.

DICK: Then what's that behind you?

LARDBOTTOM: Where?

DICK: There!

LARDBOTTOM: It's a wall.

DICK: Goodness, so it is. So tell me, where were you on Monday the
15th at 4:13 exactly?

LARDBOTTOM: Is that exactly pm or am?

DICK: Exactly pm.

LARDBOTTOM: I was exactly there.

DICK: Where?

LARDBOTTOM: Just there. I remember as I received a phone call from Ernest
Nutpucker.

DICK: Ernest Puttnucker?

LARDBOTTOM: No. Ernest Nutpucker.

DICK: I see. And what did he want?

LARDSBOTTOM: Let me see. Ah, here it is. He wanted a large supply of, well, I'll be… a
supply of fish fingers, Piere's to be exact.

DICK: And where will we find this Ernest Puttnucker?

LARDBOTTOM: Nutpucker. He works out of a small grass hut on 2nd and North
streets.

DICK: Thank you for this, but Cecil, I'll ask you not to leave town for a few
days.

LARDBOTTOM: Believe me, it takes me that long to get to the front door.

JAZZ HORN BLOWING UNDERNEATH:

We left Mr. Lardbottom to his own devices, which seemed numerous
and walked onto the street. It was then that my phone rang.

PHONE RINGING.

This wasn't much good as it was still on my desk.

Adhere!

ADHERE: Yes, to be sure. Dick your phone’s ringing.

DICK: The one on my desk?

ADHERE: Yes. Would you like me to get it?

DICK: Why not?

ADHERE: Wait here.

PERSON RUNNING AWAY AND THEN RUNNING BACK.

Well, here it is.

DICK: That's my desk.

ADHERE: Yes. I said your phone was ringing on your desk and you asked me to
get it.

DICK: Right. Now get me the phone.

ADHERE: Right you are, Dick.

FEET RUNNING OFF, THEN RUNNING BACK WITH RINGING PHONE.

Here it is.

DICK: Thank you...

RINGING STOPS.

Damn, isn't that always the way?

ADHERE: Don't worry they'll call back.

PHONE RINGING.

What did I tell you?

PHONE BEING PICKED UP.

DICK: Hello?

DOC: Dick?

DICK: Doc?

DOC: Dick, I have something hot for you, you'd better get down here.

DICK: Is that you Doc? Because I’ll only fall for that…

DOC: It’s serious.

DICK: Be right there.

PHONE HANGING UP.

JAZZ HORN PLAYING UNDERNEATH:

DICK: It was only then that I realised that the chord to my phone was really,
really long.

JAZZ HORN OUT. DOOR OPENING.

DOC: Ah, Dick.

DICK: Hello Doc, how are you?

DOC: Better than this poor chap.

DICK: Another body?

DOC: Well just his head.

DICK: Where’s the body?

DOC: That's the question. The head was found in the middle of a football
field with a fish finger up its nose. The body is nowhere to be seen.

DICK: So, I guess we can rule out suicide.

DOC: Here read this.

DICK: Mould pastry, fill and bake for fifteen minutes at 230 degrees.

DOC: I thought as much.

BUZZER.

Here they are now.

DICK: Oh wow, Raspberry tarts. Mmm, yeah, they’re to die for.

DOC: Why thank you, Dick. Now coffee?

DICK: Yes please.

PETRA: Thanks Doc. What are these marks on the side?

DOC: That's where the murderers used a spoon to sever the poor fellow's
head.

PETRA: Wow. And what's that?

DOC: Oh that Petra, is what is left of the right eye.

PETRA: Oh, and what is this?

DOC: That, my dear is a little nutmeg.

PETRA: It really brings out the flavour.

DOC: I sprinkle it over the pastry before I fill it.

DICK: Really good Doc. Now what is the cause of death?

DOC: I think it is drowning.

DICK: Drowning?

DOC: Yes, in custard.

PETRA: In custard?

DOC: Yes. See how it is still dribbling out the mouth. And worse still....

MENACING CHORD.

It is a packaged custard.

DICK: Do you have any cream, Doc?

DOC: No, it was only custard.

DICK: I meant for the tart.

DOC: Oh I am sorry, dear boy. Of course, whipped or natural?

DICK: Whipped please Doc. So, who is he?

DOC: This dear Dick, is Earnest Nutpucker.

THEME SONG IN AND OUT.

END

Copyright by Mike Jones and Iley Jones