Board-certified family law attorney Jaime Davis and her guests provide information and tips for getting through a separation and divorce without destroying family relationships or finances. From marriage therapists and financial planners to private investigators and parenting coordinators, learn how to navigate divorce without destruction.
Jaime - 00:00:05:
Welcome to A Year and a Day. I'm Jaime Davis, board certified family law attorney at Gailor Hunt. On this show, I talk with lawyers, psychologists, and other experts with the goal of helping you navigate divorce without destruction. My guest today is certified divorce and co-parenting specialist, author, educator, coach, and podcast host, Michelle Dempsey-Multack. Michelle is the founder of the Moving On Method, where she helps parents navigate divorce and build healthier co-parenting relationships. She is the host of the Moving On Method podcast and the author of Moms Moving On, Real Life Advice on Conquering Divorce, Co-parenting Through Conflict, and Becoming Your Best Self. Drawing on both her professional expertise and her own experience with divorce, co-parenting, and blended family life, Michelle is passionate about helping parents move forward with confidence while keeping their children at the center of the process. Michelle, welcome to A Year and a Day.
Michelle - 00:01:07:
Thank you for having me.
Jaime - 00:01:10:
So before we dive in, can you tell us a little bit about the work you do with people navigating divorce and co-parenting?
Michelle - 00:01:18:
Sure. So I help women primarily, but also couples occasionally on how to really set themselves up for success after divorce so that they can better help their children. A lot of what we focus on is how to get children set up in two homes, how to speak to them about divorce, how to ease them into a new schedule, how to handle dealing with a high conflict X, how to handle potential alienation attempts. So it really like runs the gamut with. The focus being the best interest of the child or children involved.
Jaime - 00:01:58:
So let's say someone has just separated from their spouse and is sitting there thinking, what am I supposed to do now? What are the first things you would tell them to focus on?
Michelle - 00:02:09:
In terms of their children?
Jaime - 00:02:11:
Yes.
Michelle - 00:02:12:
In terms of their children, I think first and foremost, if you are separating and you don't know anything about what children need when their parents are getting divorced, I would say work with a professional. It is very hard to keep yourself strong while also trying to be strong for your kids and know what they're going to need because children process divorce differently depending on their age and stage of development. And second to that, I would say, do not share, overshare with your children about anything that, you know, you wouldn't want to tell them about, let's say a friend of yours. Like if, if your partner cheated. You have to remember that when you talk about cheating to a child, the undertone there is sex. And are you going to sit and have a conversation with your child about sex if it's regarding anyone else? Probably not. So less is more in terms of blame or who caused the divorce. And the focus should really be on how can we keep. Life as close to what it would have been had these two people stayed together.
Jaime - 00:03:18:
You brought up a really great point. You know, I talk to folks all the time and they're like, I don't want to lie to my children. And I'm like, well, you know, some things are just not age appropriate for them and it's not necessarily lying.
Michelle - 00:03:30:
Right. It's not lying. It's protecting them. And there is no situation where an 8, 9, 10, 11-year-old needs to know about the extramarital. Activities of a parent. It is one thing to say, no, daddy didn't do anything wrong. We just feel like getting divorced. That would be lying. You could say, Daddy and mommy were no longer getting along the way we used to and the way married people should. We've made decisions that have hurt each other and therefore we are going to be getting divorced. But the parent that insists that, oh, my child should know the truth is someone who is risking the safety of their relationship with their child. Because when you give a child information that they don't know how to handle or process, they become scared. They become anxious and they will start to not trust that parent because that parent will feel like a scary person to talk to.
Jaime - 00:04:26:
Yeah, and I think a lot of parents underestimate how important that very first conversation with the kids is when you are you know, initially telling them what's going to happen. And in terms of the timing of when that conversation should occur, you know, at what point in the process, what should you tell them and all of those things. And I think that conversation can just really set the tone for the whole process.
Michelle - 00:04:51:
You nailed it. It sets the tone for the whole process. If you have a conversation with them where you know, and, and, Professionally speaking, it is best to have the conversation with both parents together. It just kind of levels the playing field and doesn't leave a child wondering. Is the other parent bad? Should I feel bad about spending time with them? You know? Right. But- That first conversation, if it's full of empowerment, like, hey, yes, we chose this. It might be hard, but we're going to work together to make sure that you always feel loved and cared for and taken care of. That's very different than daddy's a insert expletive and he's not going to live here anymore. And that's why you see all his clothes in the street. That's two totally different things and will absolutely set the child either up for success or failure.
Jaime - 00:05:39:
Right. And I think this is where the parents' own self-care can come into play. You know, you... Nailed it, you know, earlier when you said... You have to be able to take care of yourself and the kids and that that can be a really tough thing to do. And so making sure the parent is getting the support they need so that they can. Provide adequate support for their children is crucial.
Michelle - 00:05:58:
Yeah. I mean, look, it's hard in a typical two-parent relationship to take care of yourself and the kids, right? But- ironically, it's even more important to do when you don't have a partner there to like back you up if you need to tap out for a little bit. But it is really crucial because your sanity is their safety. And if you're dealing with someone who's high conflict and will not be the safe parent, you've got to work even harder to be that.
Jaime - 00:06:26:
Yeah, absolutely. So when it comes to the kids, what decisions should people avoid making immediately?
Michelle - 00:06:34:
I think people should avoid immediately deciding what schedule they want for the kids. Because if you make that decision right off the bat, like 50-50 or 2-2-3, you're not taking into account the full needs of the child. This is why I love a temporary schedule while people are getting set up in two homes and two different lives, seeing what actually works for the children. Some kids are fine going back and forth every two to three days. It's no thing for them, but other kids may have different needs. There may be neurodivergence. There could be special needs where constantly transitioning from one home to the other is only going to increase their anxiety and make it really difficult for them to feel settled. So I always say, create a few practice scenarios. Try them out. See what works. Same goes for where children are going to do their transitions. Will it be from school? Will it be from the home? Again, if you're in a high conflict situation, best to avoid transitions done at the home because there's always going to be conflict. So I mean, it's up to you. Listen, it really is so specific to each family. And my advice is usually go off the needs of either the youngest child or the child in the dynamic that has the highest. You could have a six-year-old and a 10-year-old. The 10-year-old has more emotional needs than the six-year-old. It really is so specific to the case. But I think that is the point. There is no one-size-fits-all model for this. However, I don't really believe in splitting the kids up. If it would have been best for your younger sibling to have two, two, three, but not for you, it could have also been very jarring for your younger sibling to be going to the other home without you because you were a sign of comfort for them. So I say don't jump into just creating a parenting plan because you want to rush and get your divorce over with. You're only going to be left with. You're only going to be left with. A multitude of mistakes that are going to be very hard to undo. It happened to me. I was the idiot who thought if we could get this done as quickly as possible, like we'll both move on and life will be great. That was not the case. And I didn't know what I didn't know. So ask questions, take your time, try things out, really consider the individual needs of your kids before you commit to any sort of schedule.
Jaime - 00:08:55:
And I think, too, a lot of that depends on, you know, how close do the parents live to one another? You know, if, you know, mom or dad moved right down the street, it might be easier to do a 223. But if, you know, they moved. 30 minutes away or something like that, that's going to be a lot of back and forth for the kids.
Michelle - 00:09:10:
It's so much stress on the child. And I can't even tell you how many clients I've had in litigation with an ex who is a neurosurgeon and works, you know, 3000 hours a week, but they want 50-50, they want it. And they're, they're commuting an hour each day to the other parent's house. And it's just illogical. That is not in the best interest of the kids. You know? Yes, of course you want to have both parents in the children's lives as much as possible, but once it reaches the point where it's putting a strain on the child, you have to ask yourself is shared equal time really a benefit at that point.
Jaime - 00:09:45:
And I think, too, you know, part of it is making the parents understand that when it comes to child custody, there is not a win in the traditional sense of mom wins or dad wins. The win is that your kids are doing great and they're thriving in whatever their new environment might be.
Michelle - 00:09:59:
It is a long term, like you're in it for the long game, right? Like there's no immediate win. Like, oh, yeah, I won the custody schedule. I want it. I'm good. The win is when your kids get to adulthood and they can say like. My parents got divorced, but I was mostly unscathed. It was pretty okay. Like, I was fine. That's the win. And unfortunately... It's very hard to have two divorcing individuals who are on that same page of like playing the long game. There's always one with a bigger ego who wants to win right now. As you know, I'm sure you know.
Jaime - 00:10:32:
That could be tough to navigate for sure. Yeah. So who should someone have in their corner during those first 30 days following a separation? And how do you know who is actually helping versus maybe adding to the conflict?
Michelle - 00:10:47:
Well, I'm sure you see it all the time in your line of work. There are many lawyers who want you to be in conflict, right? And I always say, if you are up against a monster. You don't want to be poking any bears. You want to work with somebody who is strategic, who is smart, who is at the top of their game in terms of a lawyer, but isn't going to bleed you dry just because the other person is willing to fight, right? Like just because the other person, my husband always said, my husband's a family court judge, but he always says you don't have to step in the ring every time someone wants to box. And that's always my philosophy with divorce. I think. If you are in a situation where there was infidelity and you or your ex was the one who decided they wanted the divorce, therapy is so helpful because if you're, I mean, it's helpful on both ends of the spectrum, even if you did decide to initiate the divorce yourself. But there's so much that builds up over time in a relationship that can be connected to unhealed traumas, past wounds, childhood stuff. You really want to sort that stuff out for yourself and for whatever potential relationship you have in the future, because what you don't deal with. Is going to come out sideways either on your kids or with your ex. And if you don't handle that stuff, you can find yourself in conflict for a really long time. Obviously, I would say work with an actually trained divorce coach or divorce specialist like myself, not someone who's just been divorced and wants to help people out. There's a strategy to this. You know, I think... Having someone who can show you certain things from the perspective of a child or really show you what best interest of a child is or teach you. Like so many women will say, well, I have to respond to his message because I don't want the court to think I'm ignoring him and think I'm a bad mom. And I'm like, these are the things that people don't understand. The court doesn't see, the court doesn't care whether or not you respond. When they see engagement back and forth, they see conflict. So like, let's learn what's actually worth responding to or what you actually need to talk to this person about versus what's, you know, kind of gratuitous. You can keep to yourself. You're trying to change the relationship dynamic. So a good lawyer, a good coach, and definitely a therapist is the trifecta, I think.
Jaime - 00:13:07:
Yeah, sometimes the well-meaning friend can actually do more harm than good too.
Michelle - 00:13:11:
Oh, your friends are going to give you the worst advice. They can love you from here to the moon, but like it's biased. And even, you know, your family. I deal with way too many clients who... Their divorce almost becomes like driven by their parents or their in-laws because there's just so much involvement in what... What they think should be done and it can be really damaging.
Jaime - 00:13:35:
Yeah, everybody has an opinion and they're very often willing to share them, which can do more harm than good for sure.
Michelle - 00:13:41:
I've had clients, you know, who are I'm in my 40s who are women my age who have said, can my parents join the session? And I'm like, no, actually, they can't. Like, I appreciate that they're there for you. I couldn't have gotten through my divorce without my mom. But. You know, I think there's a time and a place.
Jaime - 00:13:58:
Yeah, absolutely. For parents, how should they approach that first conversation with their kids? And what should they avoid saying or doing? I know we touched on this a little bit more, a little bit earlier. But what other advice would you give in that regard?
Michelle - 00:14:14:
Avoid blame. You don't want to avoid blame. And as harsh as it is, you want to be very cut and dry and definitive in the conversation. You know, a lot of parents, kids might get upset and say, oh, does this mean you're never going to get back together or live in the same house again? And when you hear that as a parent, you're like, oh, God, how am I going to answer this? And you may be so well-intentioned and lovely and say something like, well, you never know what the future holds, but for now, we're not going to be together. And what does the child hear in that conversation? So you're telling me there's a chance, right? Like that's maybe, like maybe we're going to go to the toy store later. It's all they fixate on.
Jaime - 00:14:54:
Right.
Michelle - 00:14:54:
You want to be really, you know, harsh, even though it feels really uncomfortable, you're actually doing them a disservice if you're not giving them like the harsh truths. No, we're not getting back together. Yes, we're going to be in two different homes. Yes, you're going to see both of us less. Here's how it's going to go. When they don't have certain information, they create their own narratives, which can be really damaging for them also.
Jaime - 00:15:18:
Yeah, and I think one thing a therapist friend told me one time is it's really important to listen and see what types of questions they're asking you versus offering information that you think that they want to know because something may not have even been on their minds. Blurt out whatever the thing might be. And then they're like, oh, like, I didn't even know that was an issue.
Michelle - 00:15:38:
That's yeah, that's a good point. A lot of parents treat the conversation as if it's the only time they're going to be talking about it. And you want to actually leave it open ended and encourage your kids, hey, look, you know, this is a lot of information right now. This may be a lot to digest, but whatever questions you have, you can ask me day or night. We can always sit down and talk about it. And you want this conversation to be ongoing because, if you have the conversation with them when they're six... They're going to have a different understanding of your situation when they're 8, 10, 12. And you don't want to shut the door. Like, it's not a one and done conversation. So I always tell clients, you have to encourage questions. And, you know, a couple of days after the initial conversation, check in. Say, hey, I know that was like a big conversation we had the other day. What did it leave you feeling? Is there anything you're confused about? You know, and just keep it going from there.
Jaime - 00:16:31:
What boundaries or communication habits are important to establish early regarding kids, finances, the house, and really just everyday logistics?
Michelle - 00:16:41:
You in the beginning. I like to say that nobody's really co-parenting. Everybody's really parallel parenting in the beginning. Yeah. Less is more when it comes to conversation because emotions are still running high. And even if you're willing to play your part nicely, the other person may not be. So if you're texting them a question about the kids, there's a high chance it can turn into a fight. You know, something, some sort of back and forth. You want to really understand legally what you are supposed to communicate about and what you aren't, right? So like, can you text them a hundred times a day asking how the kids are doing? Sure. Should you do that? No, right? If your parenting plan says that. The other parent will communicate with you about the children's whereabouts and your kids will call you in the evening. You're going to have to take a step back. You don't want to develop this dynamic where. It's called like the marital cycle of communication. Like the communication dynamic in the marriage can't be the same in divorce. So like if you're constantly hounding each other, you might as well have stayed in the same house. So that's a big thing. And that's really hard for people to get used to. And also understanding, like I said earlier, just because they text and ask a question or they're demanding information doesn't mean you necessarily have to give it to them. If you have to, if you're obligated to let them know. Where the kids are traveling to. And you do that, but then they're, you know, texting you like, well, who's that guy in the background of the picture and who's there and what did it? You don't have to answer. And I know it feels really scary not to, but. There's very little you're responsible for in terms of explaining yourself now to this person.
Jaime - 00:18:24:
I think that is so hard for people to get used to.
Michelle - 00:18:27:
It's so hard. And you think like if you're like a people pleaser and they're high conflict, you think, okay, the more I engage, the calmer they'll be. But that's never the case. It just goes in circles.
Jaime - 00:18:39:
Right. And I think the risk with over communicating is the judge starts to think that you're both the source of the conflict.
Michelle - 00:18:46:
That is what I was saying. That I said that earlier, that like you don't look negligent if you don't respond to somebody's attempt at a fight. But when you both are going now back and forth with each other, you stop looking like the kind person who responded. And you also look like a person who's prone to conflict. So you really want to pick and choose your battles.
Jaime - 00:19:07:
Yeah, absolutely. And I think, too, especially if there was a situation where one parent really was the primary caregiver and the other parent was a little more hands off during the marriage. But then, you know, the folks get separated and that parent really does want to step up and be an involved parent with the kids. I think it can be really hard for. The primary caregiver to let go of some of those, you know, details and responsibilities that they were used to having. And so I think that can play into that too.
Michelle - 00:19:33:
And the- You know, the logistics of dealing with co-parenting. Yeah, for sure. I think You know, it's always very unsettling for the person who was doing the lion's share of the parenting to now have an ex who's like, well, I want 50-50 and I'm going to do everything myself.
Jaime - 00:19:50:
And you're like, you know, the women are like. What do you mean?
Michelle - 00:19:53:
You didn't even lift a finger when I needed help changing a diaper. But- Just because they didn't doesn't mean they shouldn't have access to their children. You know, I'm of the belief that, like, you want to give someone enough rope to hang themselves, right? So like people will say to me, he could never have the kids 50% of the time. I mean, he would never even wake up when the baby monitor was next to his head or whatever. And I say, give it a chance. Instead of fighting to say, no, you can't do this, let them do it. And if they realize they can't, okay, at least you didn't stand in the way.
Jaime - 00:20:27:
And that goes back to your point about having a temporary schedule first, you know, try it out and see how it goes.
Michelle - 00:20:33:
Yes, always.
Jaime - 00:20:36:
What are some of the most common mistakes you see people make in the first month of separation?
Michelle - 00:20:42:
Oh, you're welcome.
Jaime - 00:20:43:
I know there's a lot.
Michelle - 00:20:44:
There's so many. Things they say to the kids, things they say to family members or people in the community. Like I always tell people, if you don't want something getting back to your kids, don't tell your daughter's best friend's mom, the dirty details of your life, like try and keep as much as you can close to the vest, like sharing your exes, you know. Dirty laundry is not going to make you feel any better about the situation that you're in. Also, jumping into a new relationship, listen. I moved quickly, but I also was the one who wanted out of my marriage and was emotionally checked out way before it ended. But you still, even if you think you meet the love of your life after two weeks after your divorce, please take it slow. Please don't be posting it on social media. Social media will kill you. Literally, like if you're- If you end up in litigation and you have pictures of yourself, you know, romancing with someone or you're dancing on a table at a club two weeks after you get separated, it's not going to look good. Just be very mindful. You know, they say like. Text as if your messages will be read aloud in court one day. Have the same consideration when you're posting on social media or gallivanting about town with someone else.
Jaime - 00:22:05:
Yeah, absolutely. I mean, people post some of the most ridiculous things. And even if you're not in litigation, you know, you want your ex to co-parent with you. And let's say they didn't want to be separated. And here they see how happy you are moving on two weeks later. They're probably going to be less inclined to cooperate with you.
Michelle - 00:22:23:
You have to be mindful of that. And you have to know that like everything, yes, of course, you deserve to have fun. You deserve to be happy. But everything has a consequence. And even if it's just your ex now being mad at you and saying something to the kids. That in itself would stop me from doing anything that, you know, I wouldn't want my kids to think poorly of me about. So just be mindful. Yes, you're entitled to your glow up and your happily ever after and all of those things, but not at the cost of your co-parenting relationship or, you know, the way your kids see you.
Jaime - 00:22:57:
Are there any financial mistakes that you see folks make in those first 30 days?
Michelle - 00:23:01:
You know, I don't. Touch on finances with clients. I am a big believer in, uh, only just help getting people set up with like a CDFA or something because finances are not my wheelhouse. Bye. I think the biggest thing people do is like, A friend will tell you like, oh, you're going to, you know, you're going to take him to the cleaners. You're going to get all his money. And now you think you're getting all this money from somebody and you're spending what you don't have. Like the best thing you can do in the beginning is. Live your life like you have nothing. So you can really try and figure out how you're going to live life as a solo parent, what your budget needs to be like, you can't, you can't just go about life as if everything's going to be the same financially. I think that's it. A big mistake that people make.
Jaime - 00:23:47:
Yeah, that is great advice. You know, the reality is that except for the very wealthy. You know, there's a lot of times not enough money to go around and support two households at the same level that you were supporting one. And so. That is the unfortunate reality of it, that there may need to be a scale back in the standard of living.
Michelle - 00:24:06:
Yeah. And even if you are in a comfortable position, don't make any big financial decisions in those first couple of months. Like you don't know which way the chips are going to fall and where you might even want to end up. Give it time. Don't make any big decisions.
Jaime - 00:24:21:
Yeah, absolutely. What should someone be doing to take care of themselves? And begin adjusting to a life that suddenly looks very different than it once did.
Michelle - 00:24:33:
It's hard. It really is so hard. I wrote a lot about this in my book because, you know, in my case, I was 33 when I got separated. My daughter was two. All of my friends were like, everyone was still basically newlyweds and pregnant with their second children. And it was very isolating. And I felt very, very alone. I kept myself busy. I went to therapy. I was in the midst of building my own business. So I did keep myself really busy. I got really active in the PTA in my daughter's school. I was the room mom. I was, you know, I did everything I could. Short of dating or, you know, having someone next to me in my bed. Like I just, I just try to function as if. Life were normal. Of course, you need that time to wallow a little bit, but you have to prepare for like the stages of grief after divorce. It is, you're going to be really empowered in the beginning and you're going to be like, woohoo, I'm free. And then you're going to wake up one day and be like, oh my God. And it's going to feel heavy. You have to allow yourself to go through that. I would say also know your triggers, right? If like scrolling on social media on Saturday night and seeing all of your friends at like the date nights with other couples or on vacations, if that's going to hurt, take yourself off social media for a while. Don't put yourself through that. And don't be, I always tell people, don't be shy. Ask your friends may not know what to do with you right now. Say to them, hey. Saturday nights are freaking rough right now. Like those are the hardest times for me. I feel like shit. I don't necessarily want to get dressed up and go to a restaurant. Like, can we plan? Once a month, you guys come over and hang with me and we order in food. Don't be shy. Your friends need to be a little bit, um, managed right now because if you're the only divorced one in the group, they're not sure what they're supposed to be doing.
Jaime - 00:26:27:
Yeah, that's a great point. You know, giving your friends grace and letting them know how they can help you best.
Michelle - 00:26:32:
I can't tell you how many times I would get to a place where I felt like certain friends weren't there for me and their response was always like, but you seem good. You seem so strong. Like, I just didn't want to get in your way. And that's true, too. Like, if you're putting off this whole, like, I've got this. I'm good. Don't worry about me. People are not going to worry about you. So it's okay to ask for help.
Jaime - 00:26:53:
If someone reaches the end of those first 30 days and still feels like they have no idea what they're doing, what would you want them to know about where they are in the process?
Michelle - 00:27:03:
I mean, you haven't even scratched the surface. You know, 30 days, you're still catching your breath. You're still trying to make sense of, you know, the storm you just endured, right? Because the divorce is not the hard part. It's everything that led up to it and how heavy. Those last couple of years or months in your marriage were. So you have to give yourself time. And if you find yourself at the end of 60 days and you're not any better and you're still having a hard time getting out of bed, ask for help. Go to therapy. Like speak to somebody and give yourself grace. You're not going to just wake up, you know, in 30 days after 10, 12, 15 year marriage and be totally fine. There's a process involved.
Jaime - 00:27:45:
Yeah, absolutely. I think, you know, a lot of folks don't really, think about that, that you have spent, 10, 20, 30 plus years entangling your life. Your finances, you have children with someone else, you know, it's not going to just go back to baseline normal after 30, 60, 90 days.
Michelle - 00:28:03:
It's going to take some time. It does take time. And if you try and force it. To not take time, it's gonna catch up to you, it always does.
Jaime - 00:28:13:
If you could only give one piece of advice to someone going through a divorce, what would it be?
Michelle - 00:28:19:
Something my therapist said to me, that divorce is an adult decision, whether you make the decision or the other person makes the decision. It's an adult decision that you can heal from and move on from, but it's a child's entire lived experience. They only get one childhood. So treat your divorce as if every move you made mattered so much for your kids because it does.
Jaime - 00:28:44:
I love that. I think that is wonderful advice.
Michelle - 00:28:47:
Thank you.
Jaime - 00:28:48:
Michelle, thank you so much for joining us today.
Michelle - 00:28:50:
It was an honor. These were great questions. Thank you so much for having me.
Jaime - 00:28:58:
Thank you for listening. You can learn more about Michelle and her work on Instagram @themichelledempsey . If today's conversation was helpful, make sure you're following a year and a day so you never miss an episode. The information presented is intended to provide you with general information to navigate divorce without destruction. This podcast is not legal advice. This information is specific to the law in North Carolina. If you have any questions before taking action, consult an attorney who is licensed in your state. If you're in need of assistance in North Carolina, you can contact us at Gailor Hunt by visiting divorcestuff.com. I'm Jaime Davis, and I'll talk with you next time on A Year and a Day.