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You’re tired.
Not just physically; though yeah, that too.
You’re tired in your bones. In your soul.
Trying to be a steady husband, an intentional dad, a man of God… but deep down, you feel like you’re falling short. Like you’re carrying more than you know how to hold.
Dad Tired is a podcast for men who are ready to stop pretending and start healing.
Not with self-help tips or religious platitudes, but by anchoring their lives in something (and Someone) stronger.
Hosted by Jerrad Lopes, a husband, dad of four, and fellow struggler, this show is a weekly invitation to find rest for your soul, clarity for your calling, and the courage to lead your family well.
Through honest stories, biblical truth, and deep conversations you’ll be reminded:
You’re not alone. You’re not too far gone. And the man you want to be is only found in Jesus.
This isn’t about trying harder.
It’s about coming home.
I want to start today's episode by just asking for your grace and, um, patience As I, I kind of try to navigate the proper words to say or, uh, at least how to communicate clearly. Um, I. Uh, to, I, I think the last week has been probably the hardest week of my life. I don't think that's an exaggeration. I, I do think that maybe I have a tendency to exaggerate.
Maybe that's what, uh, teachers and storytellers do to tell a good story. But, um, I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say that this has been, um, the hardest week, two weeks of my life. And, um, uh. Even as I sit down to hit the record button and to share with you, um, my chest is tied and my heart is beating fast.
And, um, everything in me doesn't want to do this. But when I started that tired, uh, several years ago, um, Layla and I were in the middle of a very, very difficult season of marriage. Um, I've shared about this so many times over the last nearly decade. Um, but we were on the brink of divorce and, um. It was Layla getting up and praying for me in the middle of the night without me knowing.
And me finding out about that, that really softened my heart and started to draw me back to his, and I happened to share about that online, share that story of her praying for me and it went viral. And um, some guys reached out. Dad tired, wasn't a thing at all. I wasn't trying to start a ministry at all, but some guys reached out and said, you know, you should start a podcast and.
Back then there was, there was very, there were hardly any podcast. I didn't even know what that was. Um, but I had looked into it and I, what I found was that it was really therapeutic actually for me to just sit in front of my computer, my little laptop. It actually started to do the first couple episodes even on my phone.
Um, but just in, in front of the computer, in my bedroom, and to process. All the chaos that was going on in my head and that tired really blew up. It, it, um, I think it hit a nerve. There were very few things out there for men back then, and, um, I. I, I think it just was, I think it had hit a nerve and struck a nerve with a lot of people who also, a lot of guys especially, who were also processing their own chaos and were looking for a space to just kind of talk about it.
And, um, so I started that tired, not intentionally, but, um, yeah, I don't know the right way to say it. Um, I guess subconsciously, I, I just started it. Therapeutically just to kind of ramble in front of a microphone to get the thoughts outta my head. And again, it was kind of therapeutic for me to do that.
But I was always really, really honest. If you went back and listened to the very early episodes of the Dad Tired podcast again almost a decade ago, they were very raw. Um, I didn't have any like platform. Um, nobody, I didn't think, I didn't really feel like anyone was looking to me as any kind of leader.
Um, I was just sharing honestly and very, very raw, especially in those early episodes, and I kind of made a commitment early on once I realized that dad tired was growing into something that I wanted to just keep that, that, that kind of defines the who we are as a group of men. That we just share honestly with each other.
I mean, so much of what we talk about is stumbling together, stumbling our way forward. And stumbling is a, a lot of people at the beginning told me I shouldn't do that from like a marketing perspective or a brand perspective. And I'm like, I wasn't, I'm not trying to build a brand. Uh, I'm not like trying to market.
I'm just literally just stumbling my way forward. That is the most accurate way I can describe it. As I'm stumbling, I am, um, falling. I'm tripping over myself. As I'm trying to move forward. And, um, so I just, I wanted to keep that, I wanted to keep that whole ethos that we had at the very beginning, which is me sharing honestly in hopes that as I share honestly you with my own, you know, sin and shortcomings and failures, that you would do the same in your own life.
And that together we would push each other to be more like Christ and um. And it's been, man, that it's been really, really fun to do that over the last almost decade. Um, a couple weeks ago, Chris and I re, we recorded a episode on. We did a q and a with Chris, where Chris and all his genius answered questions anonymously, um, are questions that were submitted anonymously and off the cuff.
And he just kind of answered them. And, uh, there was a question that came up about pornography, and I can't remember exactly what the question was, but somebody asked, you know, you know, can you be saved if you have a struggle with this addiction or whatever. And, um, sin or Chris answered the question with something that.
Honestly, it convicted me, not necessarily on the pornography piece, but just, um, his answer to about sin convicted me in the moment as we recorded. He said, so many men treat this particular sin, but sin in general, like a headache and not like a cancer. And the analogy he used is that we just kind of wake up and hope that it's gone versus, um, understanding that the sin is actually destroying you.
It's killing you. And, um, and if not addressed with that kind of seriousness that it will, it will destroy you. And that, that, as he said, that it convicted me. Um, and then shortly after that, I was speaking at a conference and I start all of our conferences whenever I speak, and I asked the guys in the room to join me and ask God that he would get into any area of our life.
That he would want to get into. If you think of your house like a, or if you think of your life like a house, that he would break down any door, he would, he has permission to go inside any room that he wants to go inside of, and I told them as I always do that every time I pray that prayer. Um, I'm, I'm nervous because that I'm not exempt from that God doing that just because I have a microphone in front of me or I'm standing on a stage that if I really ask the God of the universe, you can get into any area of my life that you want to get into.
Um, you have permission. Not that God needs permission, but I'm, I'm willingly surrendering my life in such a way that I'm, I'm saying, Lord, I, as my Lord, as my king, I want you to get into every area of my life. 'cause I trust your good. And, uh, so I encouraged all the guys to pray that, and I prayed it as I always do with a little bit of fear.
Um, and I say that because there's, there's my own sin and there's my own things that I've been wrestling with. Um, I think that the Lord had used those kind of moments along with dozens and dozens of other moments over the last decades of my life to prepare me for, um. Today and this week where we are right now.
Um, shortly after Chris and I recorded that episode and I spoke and, and prayed that prayer, um, with a room full of men. Um, some of my sin was exposed and some of the things that I've struggled with again for decades were exposed and, um, I don't think it's. Right, or I don't think it's necessary for me to get into all the details on a podcast.
I think you could understand that. But, um, but I do think it's right for me to confess it to a small group of people, which I've done. But there's essentially some stuff that I've buried in my past, um, habits that I have continued to have up until recently that are just sinful and wrong, and I have not surrendered to the Lord.
And, um, and I think the Lord was preparing me as I prayed that prayer and I heard Chris talk about treating our sin like a cancer for me to really say, um, okay, now's the time for me to address this if I want to be a man of God. If I'm serious about that, now's the time. And I'll be honest with you, it's, um, you know, it's been about a week and a half.
Since some of these things have come to light in my own life. Um, and dude, I didn't, I didn't take it well at all. I went to a very, very dark place in my brain, um, really, really dark place. And I was, I was at the point where I was like, I don't. If this is who I am, um, if this sin is who I am and defines me, um, I don't want to be here anymore.
That's what I was thinking. And, um, you know, I'm not gonna audit or edit this podcast. I, I don't wanna talk to you guys like a politician and come out with some like, you know, polished statement. I don't have any notes in front of me. I'm just like, I'm just trying to be honest with you guys and raw, but.
Um, I was in a really, really dark spot, dude, and frankly ready to give up everything in my life. And I think some of that, oh, I know some of it was spiritual and there's just some stuff happening, but I've shared with you guys in the past, even in recent episodes, where it's like, man, if people really knew all of me, um, they wouldn't love me.
Um, and they, they wouldn't respect me. And, and as you, as dad's hired, has grown and as like. You get more of an influential voice, um, it just gets to the spot where you're like, when I, if and when I fall, it's gonna be a long and hard fall. And I got to the spot where I was like, I don't want to deal with that.
And, uh, I think I just want to quit and quit life and give it all up. And so that's where I was. Um. You know, not too long ago, and, uh, I had to make a decision. Am I going to give up on life and on all these things, um, my family, my marriage, or am I going to do the things that I've encouraged you guys to do over the last nearly decade?
And that's to face your sin head on for the sake of your good and God's glory. And, um, that's what I want to do, man. Um, as many of you know. In your own lives as you're struggling with your own thing. Um, it's just exhausting to have secrets. It's exhausting to hide. It's exhausting to wrestle with the same things by yourself over and over and over again.
And I've wrestled with things since I was a kid, um, that I've never let anyone that part of or never had anyone walk with me. And, and, uh, I just got to the spot where I'm like, dude, I'm so tired. And I don't wanna do this by myself anymore. And what I've learned about God in his character is that, um, he cares.
I think God cares deeply about the dad tired ministry. I think dad's tired. I think God cares deeply about the men, you guys who are listening and who are involved. Um, you know, I think God cares about that stuff. I don't think it even compares to how much he cares about our souls. Like he cares about your job and you know, making sure that you've got finances and the things that you're passionate about and any ministry you're doing, or hobbies you're doing, or work you're doing.
I think God cares about that 'cause he's a good father, but it, I think he'll wipe away all of that in an instant if it meant him capturing your soul, if it meant him getting your full attention. Again, for your good and for his glory. And I think that's what God's doing to me. I got, I had to get to the spot where it's like, man, I, I really, really, really don't want to gain the whole world and lose my soul.
My goal in life, I, I literally shared this two weeks ago. My goal in life, I shared it with a, in front of hundreds of guys, is to be a man who's married. Um. An old man who's married to my wife, and she knows all of who I am, and I know all of who she is. And we're holding each other's old wrinkly hands, and we've got bruises and scars, but we love each other and we know each other and we have pursued each other's hearts for the sake of the gospel.
And we've given each other a glimpse of the gospel and for my kids to. Know Jesus to the best of my ability for them to know Jesus like that. That's the goal for me, bro, at the end on my deathbed, whenever that day comes. And, um, my, my goal isn't really to have a successful ministry or to do cool, have any influence.
If God gives me that or he takes it away, it's whatever. What I really want is to love my wife well, and to be the best dad to my kids and to be a faithful disciple. In the suffering and on the mountaintops. And um, and so I just had to get to a spot where I was like, dude, I gotta address my own wickedness.
The things in me that offend the Lord, I. Um, my own sin, my own patterns. Figure out like what are the wounds? I think one thing I, I know I'm rambling here, forgive me, but, um, you know, I think one thing that might've happened when Dad Tired started is we were in a really terrible spot, and then so quickly, dad tired, just kind of blew up that I just kind of brushed.
I think that was an opportunity almost a decade ago for me to address some pain and some wounds and some habits that I didn't address Then. Um, because Dati just started to take off so quickly, and, um, I think some of those wounds are, I know some of those wounds are still open and need to be addressed.
Um, so yeah, man, I, I feel like there's, you know, in the psalm, in the psalms where David is talking, he's praying and he said, you're Rod and your staff, they comfort me. You know, you lead me to still waters. You quiet my soul. Um, and then he says That line, your rod and your staff, they comfort me. I've had that line on, on repeat for the last week or so of just thinking about God's discipline.
His rod and his staff. They actually are bringing me comfort. It's his discipline, it's his stuff that it's his, you know, breaking down everything he needs to break down in order to get my attention, which hurts so bad. Um, and I've seen people who love me be hurt. And people that I love be hurt and, um, it hurts so bad, dude, but I just don't wanna run.
I don't wanna be a coward. Uh, I don't wanna hide anymore. I don't wanna be exhausted anymore. I told Layla, um, maybe just yesterday, days feel like a blur right now, but I told her just yesterday, I think that, um. You know, dad's or God really grew dad tired and he used me and us to be part of something really cool for his glory.
And I feel like he did that while my legs were broken. You know, like I was running with broken legs and, um, I don't know what the future holds. I'm right now in this very moment, optimistic that God will be gracious and. Um, so I think I, I believe in God's call on my life to, to minister. I have no idea what that will look like.
Um, but I do believe it is there. And, um, but I don't wanna do it with broken legs, you know, I don't wanna run the race with broken legs. I want to get my legs healed, for lack of, um, better analogy. Um, so yeah, man, that's what I'm gonna do. Um, just some practical things here. I've, I've been very, very honest.
More honest than I've been with anyone in my entire life, with my wife, with um, Caleb and Chris, who you guys know with our board, um, with some close mentors and counselors, and I've just told them pretty much everything I. Now I've told them, not everyone, but I've told a, a small group of people everything in my life, um, every secret I have, and in hopes of turning over every stone and just saying, dude, I wanna be healed completely.
I wanna be a completely healed man. Uh, for the sake of my own soul, for the sake of my walk with Jesus, for the sake of my wife, for the sake of my kids, I just wanna be a completely healed man, and so would you help me get there. And so they think, and I agree with them, that it's best for me to step away from any kind of influential thing, um, any kind of voice for at least the next few months.
Um, and to get some deep counseling. I actually am going to be leaving here in a week and I'll spend, um, a couple weeks in really, really intensive. I think it's over two years worth of counseling packed into two weeks. Um, which scares the crud outta me, to be honest. Um, 'cause I know there's gonna be a lot of wounds because poked there.
Um, but the goal is that, that I would just, again, turn over every stone of my soul and say, God, is there anything? In me that offends you. Here are all the things in my life that I know offend you. And would you start the reconci reconciliation process? Would you start the healing press process and restoration process in my own life?
And so I want to just take this seriously and that I don't know what that means for me or my life or my future, but I just know that's the right thing for me to do right now. Um, I'm not shepherding any flocks, you know, I'm not pastoring any churches. Um, I'm, my goal is just to kind of be, I don't know, the, the lead mascot of Dad Tire to stumble first and most publicly, so that, um, you might join along with me, I guess.
I don't know. Um, but right now I just need to step aside from all of that and to find. Healing with Jesus and, uh, with my family. And so that's what I'm gonna do, man, for the next few months. Um, Chris and and Caleb have very graciously offered to take up the baton. They both are pastoring their own churches and they're leading their own families and they're doing so much stuff.
My first thought, to be honest with you guys, was that I would just like scrap dad tired. I was, I had plans to just. You know, I scrap everything, just completely take it away. Um, and then I got to the point where it's like, this isn't about me. Like this isn't. Um, dad's hired isn't like Jared. You know, it's, there are thousands of you guys who listen to this podcast.
There are thousands of you guys who are finding friendships because of, with other dad's hired guys. And, uh, I just don't need to make this about me. It's not about me. Um, and so I we're keeping it up 'cause I want you guys to continue to listen to old podcasts and continue to meet with each other online.
And, and dude, would you just do that for me, like while I'm gone? Would you, um, encourage each other? Would you confess your sin? Would you be honest with some brothers? Um, go on our dad's tired online community. It's completely free. Join our family leadership program. It's completely free. Just jump in there and do deal with your own stuff as I'm dealing with mine.
Would you just deal with your own stuff, um, and confess your sin and chase Jesus with some other dudes? Um, while I'm away? That that would mean a lot to me to see you guys doing that when I get back. So anyway, we're gonna keep everything up and, uh, Chris and Caleb will, will continue on the Monday episodes.
We're probably not gonna do, we're not gonna do like three episodes a week, um, that's not sustainable for them while I'm gone. Um, but they'll do every Monday episodes, they'll keep doing interviews and they'll, they'll have their own solo stuff. But they've graciously said to me, Jared, just step away for a little bit and, uh, seek Jesus, love your wife.
Find healing and then, uh, we'll talk about what it looks like for you to come back when that time is right. So, uh, yeah, dude, I would covet your prayers.
Yeah, man. Uh, just if you'd pray for me and pray for my wife and my kids, um, that'd mean a lot to me. And, um.
And I'm sorry, I just wanna say I'm sorry. Like, uh,
yeah, I've spent a lot of my life, to be honest with you guys, feeling like I'm a fraud. Um, I've preached messages in hopes that you would find something that I haven't quite found yet. Um, I've sat with you, many of you and, uh. I've cried as I've heard God's redemption and his healing in your guys' lives.
And I've thought to myself, I want that completely. Um, too, um, I just feel sorry. I'm, I'm, I feel, I feel sorry that I've let any of you down in any way and, uh. I don't want to, dude, I'm trying to be honest and I'm trying to, uh, I don't wanna be a fraud. I don't wanna be a dude who has secrets. Um, I just wanna run with as a healed guy.
So anyway, I appreciate your prayers and, uh, I really do love you.
I mean that like, I, I love you and, uh.
I am in your corner and, uh,
I hope that I can find healing and then come back and stumble forward with you. So I love you guys and uh, I'll see you when I get back.