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Join LaVonna as she welcomes an inspiring conversation about transitions and triumphs with Margra Ferrier on rediscovering love after the age of 50.
Stories of Transitions and Triumphs.
Welcome friends.
It's time to take a deep breath with me.
Your girl Levana Martin.
Floreal come with me as we journey
to discover life's aha moments that
catalyze a more profound sense of
self and the springboard for growth.
It's these revelations that creates our
stories of transitions and triumphs.
And my goal is to feature these stories
as a way to encourage and reiterate
that our shared experiences can help
each other on our life's journey.
Today's episode is an inspiring one.
I am happy to feature my sister,
all caps and friend Marra far.
I met Marra about 10 years ago.
And we'll talk a little bit more about
how that relationship transpired, but I
would say that it's probably, within the
last five to six years that we have grown
so close and, I just love her so much and
I love the way we conversate and laugh
and we just find joy in our friendship.
So Margaret, welcome to
taking a deep breath.
Thank you.
Thank you so much for having me.
Yeah.
So before we get started, I would love
for you to give me two to three words
that you would use to describe yourself.
Okay.
Um, I think that if I were to
describe myself, I would use the
words, compassionate, blunt, logical.
I would concur.
So I have I thought about this too.
So I said, Hmm, I'm gonna give her the
three words that I used to describe you.
So hold on.
okay.
I said, compassionate.
Mm-hmm committed.
And crazy.
Yes.
. I would agree with all of those
as well, multifaceted and I think
it's the crazy part that I love.
so practical and crazy.
I try to keep that hidden, but
yeah, sometimes it sneaks out.
It's like, Hey, here he is.
. Well, Margaret, I wanted to have a
conversation with you about finding
love in your fifties, because I
think your story is fascinating.
But I think that first, our audience
would really like to know how
we met in this crazy story about
how our lives have intersect.
And like I said, 10 years ago,
we met when I moved to Lexington.
Kentucky, which was a really
difficult moving from California.
As I've said before to
Kentucky was really hard.
And I remember meeting you loosely
mm-hmm cause our sons played basketball.
Tell what were, what were your
thoughts about our first meeting?
well, I think that our first meeting,
I think that both of us were sort
of in the same place in that we
both had our circle of friends.
Um, we were both, Socially,
you know, we were socially.
Okay.
And so we both came at each other
sort of like, I don't, I don't really
think I need another friend, so okay.
If it is, it is, if it's not, it's not.
And, but then something clicked
and I can't even put my finger on
what it was at the time because
you and I have both evolved so much
since that meeting 10 years ago.
so I just like to think that
something deep inside both of us.
Reached out to the other and realized,
yeah, y'all y'all need each other
and I couldn't feel more blessed for
having listened to that inner voice.
Oh, that's so awesome.
Well, I think a funny part of this
story is, is that, uh, , I don't know
what happened, but we were hanging
out with each other in Lexington
and we were enjoying the spirits.
mm-hmm . Yeah.
And, and which is what we do together.
Not the only thing we do,
but that's what we do.
And, um, somehow or another
you and little sister.
Ended up at my 50th birthday
celebration in Chicago.
Oh, that that's cuz we invited ourselves.
You had had more spirits and we had had, I
had had spirits and you have, I, I think I
happened to overhear you talking about it
and I was like, oh, we would like to go.
And of course at that time being the
Bonnie that, you know, doesn't wanna hurt
anybody spill is you're like, oh, okay.
I'll send you the information.
Probably thinking it was a dead end.
And yet there we were, oh, got the
information, put it on my calendar.
And we showed up and showed out.
Yes, y'all did.
And we called y'all the
Mons and it was hilarious.
And from then on, it's been
a , blossoming friendship.
And I have, I have relished
your advice in my life.
So I, if I've never said that
to you, I wanna say it publicly.
Thank you so much for being there
for me, especially during a really,
really difficult transition in my life.
And I appreciate you so much.
So that it goes both ways because
I also went through a very
difficult, uh, situation in my life.
And you were there for me.
So I feel like that's what sisterhood and
friendship is about is we were there for
each other through the good and the bad.
Absolutely.
So.
Let's talk about this
finding love in your fifties.
I mean, that's a fascinating
story and I've been able to
journey with you on that.
So let's, let's kind of like start
in the future and then just kind
of some way make our way back.
So what does new love
look like in your fifties?
I mean, because that means you've
traveled through a whole lot of
things through life, and then all of
a sudden you have this new, wonderful
thing that's happening to you.
Can you describe what that feels like?
Yes.
It feels like rebirth.
Hmm.
And the reason I say that is because
when we think we have love in, you
know, we're 18, 19, you know, twenties,
and at that age, we really can't even
begin to fathom what real love is.
So finding love at 50, you, you it's
just like being reborn because you go
about it completely differently for me.
It was the no pretense.
I am who I am.
And you're going to
accept me for who I am.
I'm going to accept you for who you are or
this really isn't gonna work because I'm
no longer willing to make any pretentious
changes just to impress you or anybody
else to keep them in my, keep you in my.
Hmm.
I love that.
So mm-hmm and so once you approach
it, once you get to that point, it just
makes everything else so much more real
and beautiful because, you know, without
a doubt, you're getting the real deal.
You're in a real situation, not
a fairy tale, not, you know,
likely to change from day to day.
You know, it is what it is.
Hmm, I like that.
And I love that you
used that word rebirth.
So in order to rebirth, you have
to have had something that birth
from the very beginning, right?
Yes.
So let's unpack a little bit
about what that was like.
Um, like, would you mind sharing a little
bit about your previous, relationship?
No, not at all.
So my previous relationship
started at the age of 18.
Um, I was 18 and my
partner was 34 at the time.
Wait, wait, wait.
Time out 34?
Yes.
18 and 34.
Hmm.
Okay.
Yes, there were 16 years between us.
Wow.
Wow.
Mm-hmm okay.
I'm sorry to cut you off on that.
That always just like astounded me.
I think of myself at 18 and I think about.
Being there's no way a cuz my mother
still had a huge influence in my life
that I would've been even thinking
about dating someone of that age.
So go ahead.
Finish.
Well, along with that , I had to realize
of course, in retrospect, part of that
was because, I had some issues within
my own personal life with my father.
And so.
I left home at 18.
Like when I graduated, I already had
an apartment paid for blah, blah, blah.
So that, that, um, STR that
struggle between me and my father.
I feel like it pushed me.
I was look, I, I gravitated
toward older men always.
And so that was me sort
of trying to fill a gap.
That was there.
And that's what I did.
So yeah, there's a 16 year gap.
And of course at 18, I had no
clue who I was, where I was
going, what I was gonna be.
And so that relationship, um, you know,
it just sort of developed and evolved.
And then as I started to grow up and
mature, I got further and further
away from the 18 year old sheltered
mm-hmm knows nothing about life.
Mm-hmm you.
person.
And the further I got away from
that, that person, the closer I
got to who I am today, which is a
fiercely independent, strong, you
know, committed, loving jet person.
And in retrospect, I realized
that that's not what he bargained.
So as he got older and I got
older, it just, it became,
it just became very evident.
We were not supposed to be together.
Got it.
Um, yeah, because he was,
you know, I realized.
I think, I think personally, you know, he,
he was, um, looking for a retirement plan,
you know, somebody to take care of 'em
in their old age, et cetera, et cetera.
And guess what?
That's probably what we think in the
back of our minds when we're making a
union with someone that we we're old with
this person and, you know, be there, but
when there's 16 years difference, mm-hmm
, it's, it just gets more difficult when.
Especially when I started hitting
my twenties and thirties and I mean
my thirties and forties rather,
um, and I'm really starting to
get comfortable with who I am.
Right.
And he's beginning to get more
uncomfortable with who I am well, and
it comes down to practicality too.
Right.
I mean, it just seemed more
practical that you're in it.
I'm assuming, is that correct?
Mm-hmm you had children.
Mm-hmm and so you stayed the course.
That's what, you know, and, and that's
what society tells us as women, anyway,
that we are to stay the course and men,
unfortunately, you know, society tells
men stay the course, but it's okay.
If you go off course, a couple of times,
as long as you come back to the main,
you know, come back to the main road.
Right, right.
And so as women, we don't get.
You know, we don't get that forgiveness
if we go off the beaten path.
And I also think too, don't you feel
that especially there's messages that
we hear as black women as to who we are
supposed to be in our relationships in
particular, our long term relationships
that, um, they're not supposed to be.
I mean, for lack of a better word,
they're not supposed to be fun and
they're not supposed to be joyous.
Mm-hmm it's supposed to
be, do you know what I mean?
Yeah.
It's supposed to be a union of, there's
supposed to be a purpose to it, and
that purpose has nothing to do with
your feelings, emotions, and needs.
That's what I feel.
And I saw, uh, there was a scene
in one of my favorite shows,
house of dragons and the king was
explaining to his princess daughter.
You know, marriage is about moving up.
It's about station.
It's about getting, you know,
getting things in your house.
Stabilizing together.
And I realize that is a message that
has been handed down for so, so many
centuries that it's ridiculous and.
When you get into a union
with that in your mind, to me,
it's just a ticking time bomb.
Yeah.
Because humans weren't meant to
exist without love and emotion
and you know, feeling good.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think you're right.
I mean, I, I too.
We, we both, she and I, we're a game
of Thrones and house of dragons.
And I'm back watching game of Thrones.
Thanks to you again.
And can't stop and I'm picking
up something different in
this time that I'm watching.
And, and what I'm realizing is
that women aren't valued women
are only seen as conduits to the
next generation, as you're saying.
and you're right.
It has passed down from generation to
generation that, you know, we're just
in this just to provide whatever, in my
opinion, sometimes whatever resources
that the man needs mm-hmm and that we're
supposed to set our needs aside mm-hmm
And as we evolve and we journey through
life, especially in the timeframe that
you and I are living in, we learn.
We can love.
We can be happy.
We can be joyous.
We can, we can enjoy our relationships
and mm-hmm we can thrive.
Mm-hmm and in some ways it seems.
Yes.
Yeah, because yeah, because think
about how men and women both
come, come at marriage, you know,
women have been indoctrinated
that you marry to for stability.
Good income.
Bear children, keep the fam you
know, keep, keep the family going.
Men come at it, uh, for have been told
for, you know, centuries that men go
at it to find a good wife, material,
bear children, you know, make sure
you keep your house up, but that's
pretty much all they're required to do.
I feel like men have never
been indoctrinated like women.
About loyalty.
Hmm.
And family first, because
men are ex it's it.
It's okay for a men to have
a career and let that career
completely take over his life.
Mm-hmm . It's okay.
He's a working man.
If he doesn't come home until 10 o'clock
at night and you still need to have his
dinner ready and, you know, have his
breakfast ready for him in the morning.
That's okay.
But if you flip it and a woman, you know,
only works eight hours a day and comes
home at five and doesn't like, there are
people who would think that's just crazy.
She shouldn't be at, she
should be doing right.
And I just think mm-hmm mm-hmm no,
I was just gonna say, and I just think
that it's because men and women come.
It from two completely different expecting
two completely different outcomes.
Yeah.
Especially when you get together young.
Yes.
Yes.
And so did you find that in that
relationship, that because there was such
a big age gap, like, did you, did you
find that you had, you were struggling,
you had this internal struggle about.
Woman that you wanted to be, but then you
had this woman that you had to live up
to because there's a such a big age gap.
Yes.
And yes.
And part of that struggle was
when I came into the union as
an 18 year old, I was dependent.
, I had not found my inner strength yet,
so I projected a girl who needed to be
protected and controlled for her own good.
whereas what I grew into was I
don't I'm, I'm not a shrinking
violent I'm, I'm very capable.
I'm not gonna be held back.
I'm gonna do what I need to do.
And because he was already,
he was who he was gonna be.
He really didn't change.
You see?
Right.
Because he was already developed.
When I met him, I was still developing.
Right.
And that caused great issues between
us as we moved on, simply because now,
you know, 10 years in, I'm nothing
like the little girl that he met.
Right.
So, yeah.
Right.
There's so much growth
and so much learning.
Okay.
Well, mm-hmm, enough of the past.
Let's focus a little bit more
on, your present day, so, okay.
Tell us about your guy and what is it
that he, I mean, because I think what
relationships are is that there's.
Something from my partner and then
something from me that we can just draw
from each other and still maintain our
separateness in, in terms of our identity.
Mm-hmm if that makes sense.
And so tell us about your guy and, and
what it is that you draw from him and what
it is that you pour into him that has just
made love blossom at 50 plus years old.
Okay.
, so first my guy, what I draw from
him is be finding love at 50.
Allowed me to understand that.
Yes, I do love having a pro protective.
Partner, that's not protecting
with the purpose of control.
Mm I've learned to say I've learned
the difference between those two.
Um, and I've learned also
that there is strength in.
Him and the way that he supports me,
the way he loves me, he pours into me.
He's not always taking from me.
Mm-hmm so it feels like a much more
symbiotic relationship there's give and
take, not all give, give, give on one
side and take, take, take on the other.
Mm.
Okay.
Awesome.
And so, as you have evolved
into this person that you are,
um, now, what do you find that.
um, you give in this relationship,
what's, what's different than what
you were as a young young girl.
I think that I give
now I give some wisdom.
Some life experience and I've learned
how to love another individual.
Hmm.
And that's not even just in my
marriage, but I've learned how to
be a better friend, a better mother,
a better sister, a better daughter.
You know, I've learned
how to love other people.
And that love is I've learned how to
love other people without expecting
them to love me back the exact same way.
Because there was an, an analogy I like
to use, which is, that of a farmer.
And, you know, a farmer has all
of these flowers in his garden.
But each flower needs something
different roses need to be cared
for differently than Daisy.
Daisy need to be cared for
differently than the corn cetera.
And you've gotta find the gardener who
knows how to care for you and vice versa.
Mm-hmm I love that you
gotta find a gardener.
That knows how to tend to you.
I love that.
I love that.
Yes, you're right.
And I think that's what I love about
our friendship is that I don't feel
that you tend to my needs, cuz I can
be needy that you tend to my needs.
You tend to them in a very specific.
That helps me to unpack sometimes, um,
some of the turmoil that I might be
feeling in the inside, and I love that,
about you and then you're crazy too.
So you meet my needs in another way.
yes.
Even in the most serious moments,
I'm the one that will find
some humor in it somewhere.
I, I just believe that, you know,
sometimes you just gotta laugh.
Absolutely.
Absolutely . Well Marro, this has
been a fantastic conversation.
It has caused me to, to even think
deeper about my own relationship.
I love that part that you just said about.
Finding someone that can tend to your
garden or tend to, you know, how I grow,
um, throughout life in very specific
ways, cuz you're right, as your garden
grows and as it expands, you know,
you as a person, you change mm-hmm
sometimes you gotta be prone too.
Right?
Exactly.
In order to grow.
And so I love that analogy
and I so appreciate.
Um, agreeing to come on and
be vulnerable and to share.
And I'm hoping that our
conversation would encourage others.
Me too, cuz encouragement
is huge and I love it.
I'm here for it.
Awesome.
Thank you so much.