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Are you ready to take the steps necessary to thrive? Join us every episode as host Adam Gragg discusses what is holding us back and how to move forward with purpose, along the way developing healthy relationships and navigating life transitions while overcoming fear, stress and anxiety. Adam is a family therapist, mental health professional and life coach helping individuals and organizations find the transformational clarity that unleashes hope. Live the life you want, the legacy you decide.
Ep69_Disappointment_full
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Adam Gragg: [00:00:00] I remember when my daughter was two years old, my wife and I had, well, my wife was pregnant, and she called me and I just remember being in probably the most ecstatic state that I've ever been in. I mean, whenever I found out about [00:01:00] her being pregnant with Emerson and then a second child, and then cuz it was a high risk pregnancy just because we had had trouble getting pregnant. So went back for the sonogram and there was no heartbeat. And I still think about that and just how, I mean, I went into a deep depression for a couple weeks. I remember.
I'm really struggling and today I'm gonna talk to you about dealing with disappointment and I will say this is probably a shorter episode because I am struggling with some disappointment in my own life right now. And really trying to work through it. I'm had a number of things. I mean, just something medically that I think I'm gonna have to potentially deal with and some disappointing things with.
With friends, with family, and so anyway, I'm not doing great right now, but you know, that's okay. So I want to just welcome you to the Decide Your Legacy podcast. And [00:02:00] you know, if you've found this podcast helpful in the past and you haven't already, make sure you subscribe so you never miss another episode.
Pull out your phone and take 15 seconds. Give me a rating and review on Apple or Spotify or wherever you get your podcast content. That way it grows organically and reaches more people. And this topic of disappointment is one that I believe so many of us can relate to and that we're gonna have in our life. I also like to share a couple of risks that I've taken recently, and so one risk I took is I, I got an email about, well, I mean, frankly, you know, I was just, Disappointed about got an email from some family about something that was disappointing to me and my normal reaction would be, oh gosh, you know, to be kind of angry about it and to kind of chime in.
I didn't do that, you know, and so I feel like that was a risk to not, to just kind of withhold. My anger, indigo and deal with it elsewhere. And I took a risk by talking to a friend [00:03:00] about my disappointment. I mean, just kind of letting it out. And so that was a risk for me cuz I could have been judged for that.
And so, but it doesn't seem like it's been a tough week. I'm Adam Gragg. I'm a legacy coach, speaker, podcaster, mental health professional for over, for almost 25 years. My life purpose is helping people to find, find transformational clarity that propels them forward to face their biggest fears so they can live and leave their desired legacy so they can leave, and then 10 years after they're gone, they can live that life now that, so they're remembered the way they want to be remembered for the actions, for being the certain type of person that they want to become.
I challenge you to listen not only as a student but as a teacher, and to teach something that you've learned today to somebody else. Cuz you got friends that are gonna go through disappointment, you can learn from, they can learn from you. And also I would challenge you to take some kind of action based on what you learned today in the next 24 [00:04:00] hours.
This is the podcast. You do not just listen to. So as we do with most episodes, I want you to start by writing something down for me. Think about in your life over the last year, what is one disappointing thing that you've had to go through and that will be. A challenge as you process that disappointment with this content today and use this content today, so, so is, have you lost a loved one?
Did you go through a divorce? Did you lose a child? Did you have a miscarriage? You know, did you have a health issue that you know is probably gonna be lingering for a while or maybe the rest of your life? Have you had a setback financially that you didn't see coming and have to deal with now? I mean, what was something that happened last year and.
Here's how you're gonna deal with it. All right? So if you wanna make, [00:05:00] if you wanna deal with disappointment, well you're gonna, here's four things that I would suggest that you consider engaging. So one, number one is talk to a close friend about it. And I was just actually journaling yesterday and thinking, what is a close friend and.
A close friend is someone I can process my past with and they're gonna accept me for me and not judge me, and not criticize me. A friend is someone I can process unhealthy. Feelings with like anger and resentment, and they're not gonna judge me and they're gonna accept me. You know, a friend is someone that's gonna help me see my true value better because they help me see the real me and a friend is someone, well really, who is gonna help me think clearer and healthier by being around them.
So they're gonna help me to change my perspective into something that's very positive and encourag. As I move forward, and they're gonna encourage me to take care of myself. They're gonna encourage me to, to make myself better, to take, have good self [00:06:00] care. So I, I, I talked to some friends about this situation and they just listened.
I didn't get criticism or let's fix it, or, you know, it was more of some questions about how well, you know, that's been a challenge for a long time. It's not new. And that's something that I. They validated me. They didn't make that big mistake of invalidating me, like saying, get over it, or, you know, sharing something that happened worse to them in their life or sharing something they're struggling with.
They listened and they. I tried to understand how I was feeling. I mean, basically I could pick up on the fact that they understood how I was feeling, and that meant a lot to me and helped me to, and it's still helping me to actually process through it. So talk to somebody about it, talk to a friend about it.
And the second thing that you want to do to deal with disappointment is to remember all the good things that you [00:07:00] have. So, To really deal and figure out all the positive things you have in life. So I was just dealing with a client today who had a major disappointment in his life and, you know, lost a loved one.
It's been a very difficult situation. So, and it's, I am devastated. I mean, people are devastated. It's just very difficult and it's been months. And I was trying to figure out a way to encourage him and I was also thinking about how encourage, how to encourage myself. And so what I did is I decided to actually focus on specific things in his life and really, and I was answering the question inside my own head at the same time that we have to be grateful for.
So, you know, what is something that you have to be grateful for at your job right now? What's something that you had to be grateful for with your neighbors right now? What's something you have to be grateful for? With the country you live in right now, what's something you have to great before with your church, with your favorite hobbies?
What's something that you're grateful for with your friends and with your family? And very specific things [00:08:00] and that Cuz the person was really struggling. I mean, and actually didn't know that I was really struggling too. And then as we did that, I could see some change because I could, and I wouldn't take, I don't know for an answer.
I mean, which is what I end up doing a lot. You can't say I don't know. So I wouldn't take it for an answer. And so he kept going and thinking of these things and then I was. Imagining, which I do this with clients, sometimes I draw on my whiteboard. I put those things they're grateful for, for they're grateful for.
And then I talk about depression as being this cloud. You know, it's, and then the sun is behind it. So you have all these things that you're grateful for. There's a cloud, this dark cloud in between, and then there's the sun right behind. And so I think it really is a great illustration. And so, The way through the cloud is, I'll say, there's a little path through the cloud and it's gratitude.
It's by these things that we're focusing on, and so a lot of times I'll do have people close their [00:09:00] eyes. I today had a couple clients go through meditations where I was asking them, Really after the meditation, what came up for them. And some of them had this gratitude that welled up inside about something they could do and in spot inspiration where they could take action.
So you, you find a way to build gratitude into your life. And I have my lists and I'll link to it. I mean, I've seen it before. 25 favorite gratitude building questions. Might be 30 now. I think it's actually probably grown, but that's one you can check out. And just don't take it for granted that that can help you deal with disappointment.
So the third thing is, is that, well actually before I go to the third thing, I want you to encourage you to hit the link to shatterproof yourself. It's seven simple steps to deciding your legacy. This is a video series and workbook that you're only gonna get access to through subscribing to this link in this podcast.
So really encourage you to check that out and you're gonna get tools to build better mental health. Amazing stuff. Seven tools to build better mental health to improving your mental [00:10:00] health. So the third thing is to take care of yourself. So when you deal with this appointment, it's kind of easy for me when, because I have, I have rejection sensitivities.
I feel like I have like some abandonment issues in my life. And so when I. Have these strong feelings of being disappointed. Sometimes I just wanna isolate and I don't wanna do really anything that's good for me. I mean, I got up this morning, had some trouble sleeping, but I did get some sleep, thank God.
And then I got up and I wanted to run and I didn't want to. It was last thing I wanted to do. It was really, I mean, yeah, I mean, I was stuck in my crapola right there, but, I take the shift to go ahead and I'm gonna take good care of myself in this situation. So for me today was making a schedule and being very rigid with my schedule so that I'm doing all the things.
In fact, I'm gonna see a buddy in about 15 minutes and then hang out with some with him for a while, and I'm gonna watch a basketball [00:11:00] game tonight. To be very intentional in your self care when you're disappointed, especially when it's this deep disappointment that you feel inside of, you could really turn to depression, which I've sensed in myself recently.
So with specific disappointments. So the better I care for myself, the better I can actually help others and care for others. And so I have to build a. For me, that's a lot of that is that schedule and to be balanced without perfection is a real self-care type thing for me. So I have to have faith to be balanced though.
I have to have faith that I'll get the work done. So tonight I could go ahead and do a lot of paperwork. I'm behind with work cuz I had a really busy day with a lot of clients and I have some things I gotta get done. But I'm gonna buy Faith, choose to hang out with my friend Allen and watch some basketball and get some.
Fill up time, Energizer time, so, and I have to have faith that I'll get the things done that I need to get done. I have to have faith that saying no to other activities is gonna mean that I'm gonna be filled up. And [00:12:00] it's gonna help me through this whole period right now. So, and then another thing to do to take care of yourself is maintain your energy level.
So know what energizes you. And this is an interesting thing because we have, we have energy that kind of wells up inside us when we're around certain people, when we do certain things, and we cannot be always aware of that. In fact, a lot of people, when they don't take care of themselves for a long period of time, they forget what those energizers and those drainers are, and then they.
Neglecting them cuz they're just being depleted all the time. They're giving away this energy source that they could find within themselves. And so you have to know what energizes you. So I know for me, like for years, just waking up and having a devotional time would energize me even though it didn't feel it right away.
It would be something that energized me. I know that exercise energizes me. I know that gratitude energizes me. I know that. Being in talking to friends openly and honestly energizes me. I mean, I know personally that drinking enough water and eating a healthy diet, although it's not always what I want to do, [00:13:00] eventually starts to energize me.
So what are we doing to take care of our energy level? And then saying yes to yourself is gonna mean you're gonna have to say no to others. So part of self-care is gonna mean setting. The next thing though is I would say, this is kind of a strange one, but, so I have three tips right now as far as dealing in with disappointment.
One's talking to a friend about, a close friend about it. You know, if you don't have a close friend, then you talk to a counselor or someone at your church, a pastor just someone you trust that you think you could build a relationship. But talk to somebody about the disappointment. Take a risk. It's gonna be hard.
I mean, it's an emotional thing. You know, take care of yourself. Go to gratitude is the second one. Take care of yourself, is the third one. And then the fourth is to lower your expectations. And this one's tough because, I mean, we have friends, we have family, we have people. We may think that they're our close friends, but we realize that they're just acquaintances because they don't meet those criteria.
That I had mentioned earlier about friendship, and I tell clients this, they're [00:14:00] empty wells. Why do we keep going back? And we put our bucket in the well and we throw it down there thinking we're gonna get some water out of that. Well, yet we've, we've brought that bucket up out of that, well, you know, a hundred times before, but for some reason this time we think that they're, we're gonna come up with some fresh, clean water and nope, it's the same.
Dry. Well, there's nothing in it except dirt. And you bring up that bucket this time for the hundred and first time thinking, oh my gosh, it's gonna be different this time and it's still an empty well, but why do we keep going back to these things? Is it punishing ourself? Is it because we have wishful thinking?
I think a lot of times it's that we hope that other people would treat us the way we would treat them, and we hope that they could see and feel what we're feeling and so that they understand how deeply. That certain things could hurt us and we don't want, we want that from other people yet we. Going back thinking we're gonna get it, rather than just shifting our [00:15:00] focus to the people who really can give us that.
And that's freaking really hard. I mean, because there's this phrase that I tell clients, like, never give your power away. Not to anybody. I mean, you don't. Your power is your ability to make decisions to handle life. It's your dignity. It. Your freedom, it's your liberty. You don't give that to somebody else where they're dictating things for you.
I mean, you do have a boss and you follow through and you have expectations to be met, but you don't ever give your power. I'm talking about this emotional. Power away. Even if you were in bondage in jail, you can still re maintain this kind of power that I'm talking about. It's the kind of power that Victor Frankl maintained when he was in Auschwitz and when he ended up writing Man's Search for meaning about his experience in Auschwitz, he had tapped into this power.
It was basically that he had said and found that no one can take [00:16:00] away a part of you, your dignity unless you give it away. That you have the ability and the most horrific as circumstances to still keep your dignity. Don't give your power away. So that's the, the fourth is lower expectations of people. I find that my peace of mind actually increases when my expectations of other people and what they're gonna do and how they're gonna meet my needs and how they're gonna behave.
Goes down, and then I don't try to control them anymore. So I let go. Cause I have peace of, peace of mind. Now. That's the serenity prayer. I mean, God grabbed me, the serenity, except things I cannot change. That's other people. And to focus on the things that I can, you know, and that's our thoughts and our feelings.
We, we have some influence over and our actions we can focus on. But just letting go of that expectation that other people are gonna be, I mean, Don't let it go of the expectation of yourself to be the best version of yourself, which by the way, is a great way to love yourself [00:17:00] and to take care of yourself, is to follow through on promises.
And that's how you can take care of yourself emotionally by doing what you say you're gonna do throughout, throughout the day, but lower your expectations of other people hate to say it, but it's very true. And then the the fifth is to give back. So you find ways to serve and you find ways to give back in ways that maybe you'd never thought of before.
It could be. Passion that you had in the past, or it could be an opportunity that's presented to you and you never thought of that. It could be something that was a brand new opportunity. I don't know. But I know this thing from the big book of Alcoholics synonymous is really encouraging to me that I am gonna try and read to you really quickly if I can open it up here.
Acceptance is the key to my relationship with God today. I never just sit and do nothing while waiting for him to tell me what to do. Rather, I do whatever is in front of me to do, to be done, and I leave the results up to him.
However, it turns out that's God's will for me. I must keep my magic [00:18:00] magnifying mind off my, on my acceptance and off My expectations from my serenity is directly proportional to my level of acceptance. When I remember this, I can see that I've actually never had it. So good. Thank God and. That's inspiring to me cuz it reminds me that in every situation that I have, I mean there's opportunities that are put in front of me that I'm missing potentially where I can give back.
Cuz if I stop numbing and I let myself feel and I let myself feel this disappointment, which is one thing you gotta do, then I'm gonna learn and grow and I'm gonna see opportunities to give back as well. So that's what I got for you. What did you find the most helpful from today in dealing with your disappointment in your life in the next 24 hours?
I'd encourage you to like talk about it, teach it. You don't have to use the word teach, but, and maybe even apply it. Journal about it. Do something about it. So lemme review real quick. So how to deal with disappointment, talk to somebody about it, a close friend. [00:19:00] Gratitude, deal with gratitude, number two.
Number three, take care of yourself. Number four, lower your expectations other people. And number five, give back. Serve others. So remember Adam's 30 70 rule. 30% of transformational changes. Insight, you're gaining insight in today, but 70% is action. So if you really wanna deal with disappointment, you're gonna have to take some kind of action in your life.
So have me out to speak to your team over Zoom or live. I would love to do that. And I wanna sign off today the way that I always do. Make it your mission to live the life now that you wanna be remembered for 10 years after you're gone, you decide your legacy. No one else. I appreciate you greatly, and I'll see you next time. [00:20:00]