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In this shiur, Rav Dov Ber Cohen explores the inner landscape of katnut, the spiritual state of smallness, disconnection, and heaviness that every person moves through. Rather than treating it as a fa
The Rabbi Dov Ber Cohen Podcast explores Jewish mindfulness, emotional mastery, relationships, and real inner avodah.
In each shiur, Rabbi Dov Ber shares practical Torah wisdom for navigating anxiety, deepening connection, strengthening emunah, and living with greater presence and purpose.
Rooted in Chassidic depth yet grounded in everyday life, these teachings are experiential, honest, and transformative.
If you’re seeking clarity without pressure, growth without guilt, and spirituality that actually changes how you live - this podcast is for you.
Okay so this is what we're learning, we're in our learning of about something called Katnut. Katnut, Katnus, Katnus, which literally means smallness, but we've said spiritually it means when I'm just not feeling it. It's just not, I just can't be bothered. I just can't, I just can't be bothered. That's called Katnus. I'm not feeling it, don't want to show up for myself or anyone else, or definitely not God, gosh. I just can't be bothered. Not feeling connected. And yesterday we said, also when my head and my heart isn't connected, i.e., I'm not integrating and living with what I know to be true. I know, I know it's good to get up early in the morning but I'm not doing it. I know God loves me unconditionally but I don't feel it. I know I am intrinsically lovable and worthy, unconditionally and intrinsically lovable and worthy, but I don't feel unconditionally intrinsically lovable and worthy. Can everyone please sit up straight? Breathe through your nose. Say I am. I am. Intrinsically. Intrinsically. And unconditionally. And unconditionally. Lovable and worthy. Lovable and worthy. That's so nice. Okay you can slouch again. And if you've got a voice in your head says, well he doesn't know me, the other people are but I'm not, if he knew who I really was he'd never say that, then you laugh at that voice. You laugh at the critical negative voice in your head because it's just a baby, it's just a little baby. So you say, or you can not laugh at him, you can just hear him and say, I hear you, and you know what I love you too because you're also unconditionally lovable and worthy, you're just a bit annoying. I got up and I said Hashem, I know you love me, more than fifty times. Good. Hashem, I know you love me. Hashem, I know you love me. And I'm telling you the most powerful and simple, and it's powerful because it's simple, the most powerful and simple spiritual work you can do is just repeat a truth to yourself over and over again whether you believe it or not. Hashem, I know you love me. Hashem, I know you love me. And your whole mind and body is like, no he doesn't, I don't deserve it, and you just keep saying it. Just keep saying it. I know you love me. Because it is true by the way, you're not deceiving yourself, it's getting the truth that you know intellectually, logically to be true into your heart. And if you want to argue whether that's true or not I'm happy to do that, but I'm the Rabbi, I've got a beard, I know more than you, everything I say is true, so just, I'm right you're wrong. That was a joke but kind of. It was a half a joke. So good. So now we're talking today about the, well we've been talking up to now about the fact that life has ups and downs. Relationships have ups and downs. Energy has ups and downs. Sometimes I feel up, sometimes I feel down, and I said I think it's a little bit sad that most people actually don't, don't feel up so much. Most people feel heavy and down a lot of the time because we can always feel, find something to feel down about. And it's not your fault. It's just not your fault. There are two big problems. Number one is the complete lack of tangible spirituality in the world, i.e., God's presence, the Shechinah. That's what we're mourning by the way, just thought I'd put that out there. Life is difficult and heavy and we have trauma and challenges and pain and stuff. Life's really challenging. You know when you're a kid it's kind of okay and then you grow up and soon teenage, you're done. By the time you're a teenage, you're done. No chance. Even religious, whatever you are, you're done. Life's very difficult. And secondly it's because we so overly identify with our body and our ego and therefore we have this kind of negativity bias because the body and ego are very heavy and very, very needy and can never be satisfied. And we're just running around our whole lives trying to satisfy our body and ego which is impossible. So it's exhausting and it doesn't work. So we said true spirituality is a complete re-identification with soul. With your perfect, pure, essential, loving, joyful essence that's never been traumatized, it's never been, it's just full of light and love and joy. So we said we've got to do this on two levels. The first level is the Nefesh and the Ruach which means we do need healing. You need to release your trauma. Breathwork, heliotropic breathing, somatic experiencing, whatever you need, you've got to do that healing. And then there's also piercing through into your soul. As I always define it, the blue sky. The blue sky above the clouds. The sky is always blue and the sun is always shining, it's just that there are clouds on many days. So your soul is always full of love and joy and it's okay. Your soul's okay. I'm, it's just okay. I was talking to one of my students, there's a problem about being in Yeshivah, especially this Yeshivah, it's great, one of the problems is we're very growth oriented. We're going to be the leaders, we're going to grow. And it's exhausting. Like I told one of my students, you just need to stop growing. Stop, and also stop working on yourself. Gosh, you've just been work, you're only twenty-two years old and you've spent ten years working on yourself. Stop it. Just enjoy yourself a bit. It's so heavy. It's so heavy, I've got so much to do. And... and he wants to be great and if he's not perfect, if he feels down sometimes, he gets down on himself that he feels down because he's like, \"Well, I have so much to appreciate, so why do I feel down?\" Because you're human. We feel up and we feel down. So I want to get him and everyone to the place of just saying, \"You know what? It's okay. It's not great, but it's all right. I'm okay. Life's okay. I'll deal with it. It's all right. Not bad, you know? It's okay.\" Because when you want to get to a place of \"it's okay\" and you stop fighting and heavy and intense and struggling so much, then you can go into the truth. And the truth is it's awesome. Gave a whole class once called \"It's Okay\" in London, by the way. No one's okay in London. So I said, \"You know, it's okay.\" Everyone's on a scale. There's a scale of dysfunctionally anxious, and the top of the scale is slightly uneasy. No one's gone past slightly uneasy. They're either somewhere on the scale. Everyone is basically, \"I'm okay. I'm slightly, you know, I can't deal with life and my future and stuff.\" And I said, \"I want to take you beyond slightly uneasy into okay. I'm all right. I'm not perfect, but I'm all right.\" Stop trying to be perfect. You'll never be perfect. You're not expected to be perfect. So stop trying to be perfect. You're going to kill yourself trying to be perfect. God doesn't expect you to be perfect. You're not going to do everything you're meant to do every day. You're going to speak lashon hara sometimes, you're going to feel jealous sometimes. What, and you're going to beat yourself up? You think Yom Kippur is \"I'm going to beat myself up because I felt jealous\"? No, you're trying. You're trying. Just you're okay. Everything's okay. So I gave this whole class, \"Everything's—you're okay. Everything's okay.\" And someone at the back of the class said, \"Well, how do you know it's okay, Rabbi?\" And I said, \"You're right, it's not okay. It's awesome. I'm just trying to get you to okay so that I can then get you to awesome.\" Yes. \"How do you know when you're not really okay?\" \"Pardon?\" \"Like it's not something you could just tell yourself it's fine and then feel better.\" No, you need love and help and support from people who love and help and support you. That could be a parent, a friend, a therapist, a healer, someone. You must not think that you're walking this journey on your own. The first thing you have to do really in terms of healing is find trusted companions and guides who can be there and for you and help you. The reason is because your mind is so very, very, very strong. So you on your own can't battle your mind. So you need people to guide you on the journey. That's the whole point. You're not meant to walk this journey of life alone. Very, very important. You are meant—and people think no, that's weak and vulnerability is not. The world is designed in a way that לא טוב היות האדם לבדו. It's not good for you to be alone. You need people who love and support you and can help you and can just look at you and say, \"You know what? It is okay.\" When you don't feel it's okay and you cry and they hold you and then you tap into a place where you're like, \"You know what? It's okay.\" And then process this. You've got to process. \"Why do you think that things are designed in a way that I don't actually—I can't even remember three weeks where it was like good. You know what I mean? Like just it seems like—\" No one's really tapping into the three weeks. Really, is there—who's really mourning? You're really mourning now? So we're trying to. I'm going to—I'm going to watch a Holocaust film and a October the 7th film to try and feel sad. I'm just sad enough anyway. Why am I trying to make myself feel sadder? \"Yeah, but it seems like there's more personal struggles.\" Yes! Yes! People can't deal with their personal struggles. How am I meant to take on a national struggle? Because I'm just being real with it and I'm like, I'm going to really, really try and tap into a place of pain, but then hope. I think that's what Tisha B'Av is. Hope through pain. I just made that up. I like it. But I think that's what it is. Hope through pain. Put that bumper sticker. Hope through pain. Hope through pain, that's what I feel Tisha B'Av is. But you have to feel the pain first before you go onto the hope. So we're sitting in the morning feeling the pain, and then through the pain, we feel the hope. But one of my friends, he's a rabbi in America and he said, \"You know, I have to run the kinnot program for Tisha B'Av. What, you know, how do you connect to it? What should I say?\" And I said, \"You should talk about the fact that no one really connects to kinnot and wants to be there at all.\" I think you should talk about that. We're sitting on the floor, trying to feel sad, reading these old words, trying to cry or something. It's like, really? What are we? Now, obviously the Torah of it is we should feel sad that we don't feel sad. That's the Tisha B'Av Torah. You should cry that you're not crying. And I'm like, I don't even buy into—I do buy into that, but I just don't do that either. I'm quite happy. I'm all right. So we've just got to be real. Hope through pain. Hope through pain. Hope through pain. That's my Tisha B'Av message for this year. \"But how do you do that?\" \"Pardon?\" \"But how do you do that when you're in pain? How do you—\" Okay, I'm going to—that's what we're going to talk about today. It's as if there's a divine being controlling everything, and some people really believe that. You'd be crazy to believe that, but as if. Yes, please. You're lovely, you can say as much as you like. I saw last night that Kinot has the same letters as Tikun. Tikun, 100%. That's the big vort. Kinot has the same letters as Tikun. And there's something else. This is in the Zohar. It says that there's something called teku. In the Gemara, when it says teku, it means it's a question that we can't answer. We have to wait for Mashiach. We have to wait for Eliyahu who's going to answer the question. And teku with a nun, a nun sofit is Tikun. And nun sofit is nun sharei bina, there's lots of stuff. But yes. That's a beautiful vort. Well done! And I could say it and you could think, \"Wow, he's so spiritual. He quoted the Zohar and he says teku is Tikun which is Kinot,\" and we'll just go back to \"I just can't deal with my relationships.\" So I like vorts. I've said this a few times, we don't have divrei Torah at my Shabbat table. No one wants a dvar Torah at my Shabbat table. Everyone goes, \"Huh? What do you mean?\" And I say, \"This is what a dvar Torah is. You're talking about the World Cup and the politics, and then everyone stops and says, 'Okay, Chaim has a dvar Torah.' And Chaim's like, 'Well, it says in this week's parsha that... and Rashi says this...' And if he's cool, Chaim then says a Chassidic story. And then he just prepared that to show off to the Rebbetzin to find a shidduch. He didn't mean it. It's not... he didn't transform his life. He didn't mean it. No one was really listening. They just wanted him to say something so they don't feel guilty that there was no dvar Torah at the Shabbat table. And then everyone says shkoach. Shkoach means shachachti, I've forgotten what you said. I didn't even listen to you. I forgot what you said before you said it. And then we carry on talking about football and politics. So we don't have divrei Torah at my Shabbat table, everything's Torah. Our life is meaningful and Torah and light and positivity and sweetness and authenticity. Now let us all stop for a pre-prepared, completely inauthentic dvar Torah. Thank you. Excellent, Chaim. I will find you a shidduch. An equally inauthentic person just trying to impress other people with how frum they are. Well done. I think Tisha B'av is let's break through the facade, your frum facade. How about that? Break through. Break on through to the other side. So how do you deal with life when it's not easy? So we're going to talk about this now. But one thing I think is very, very, very, very, very important and people don't take me seriously enough is playing tennis. Playing tennis. If you enjoy playing tennis. If you don't, don't play tennis. Find something that you enjoy doing just because it's enjoyable. Not because you're going to be good at it, just art, music, go and learn the guitar. Go and learn the guitar or the drums or the flute or hike in nature or climbing wall. There's a climbing wall in Jerusalem. Go to the climbing wall. Well, I don't do that sort of thing. I know, that's why you're miserable. Why don't you start doing things that you don't do? I don't do that. I'm too this to do that. I'm too that. Go and do fun, cool things. Do fun, cool things. I do kickboxing. I love kickboxing. I get punched in the face, I really enjoy it. I really enjoy kickboxing. And I go wow, I'm like crazy in there. They're like, \"Rabbi, calm down!\" I'm like, \"I'm going to go wild in here!\" Do fun things! Gosh! Well, no, I'm serious about my avodas Hashem. Do fun things! DFT. Do fun things. Do it. The amount of people I talk to and they're like, \"I used to do Taekwondo, I used to play the piano...\" It's like you're only 20 years old, when did you \"used to\" do it? What's wrong with you? I'm not even talking about 60 year olds. Go and do fun things, go and do Tai Chi. How about Tai Chi? How about swimming? Go swimming. Do fun things. Just do fun things. Do fun... I'll tell you why. Is Tai Chi fun? I think that's therapeutic or something. I don't know if I'd call it fun, but it's calming and healthy. Do calming and healthy. When I... I'm using the word \"fun\" very lightly. Do enjoyable things. Do enjoyable, healthy things. And it cannot have a screen. You're not allowed a screen. It's got to be a hobby without a screen. And do it a lot, actually. Why? Because it makes you happy. It makes you not deep authentic happiness, but it just makes you feel good. I enjoyed that. I really enjoyed that. What for? Did you get better at it? Did it bring you closer to God? Well, the truth is it did, I think, because you're a happier person. So you're just enjoying life more. I speak to people and they say, I don't feel inspired and connected to my davening and mitzvot and stuff. And I say to them, well, what do you feel inspired and connected to? And they're like nothing. So I say fine, so it's not Torah and mitzvot' fault, you're just not an inspired, excited person. So how do you get that? It's very hard to make Torah and mitzvot and prayer inspiring and exciting, but it's not so hard to make, I don't know, playing the keyboard, playing the guitar. Go play the guitar, go bungee jumping. Don't go bungee jumping. Actually don't, go skydiving. It's safer and less scary actually. Bungee jumping's less safe and it's scarier because you have to jump. Skydiving you're not doing the jump, you're just on someone who's jumping. Skydiving, go and sign up for skydiving, do it, I dare you. Write a list of five things that you'd never do and do them. I think you'll be a happier person. And then when you're a happier person, then you'll be able to pray better and learn better. The first thing I say to my students when they get to yeshiva is what do you love doing? And they get confused. People are like, aren't you meant to ask me what job I do? And I'm like, I don't care what job you do because you probably don't like your job and you're just doing your job to pay off your degree that you're never going to use and you didn't like that either. So I want to, I want to know what you love doing. What do you love doing? So they're like music. Six months later they're in yeshiva, they're all depressed because they came to yeshiva and I'm like, and they're like, I'm not feeling my davening anymore. And I say, well, are you playing the guitar then? No, it's bittul Torah. I'm like, you're a bittul life, you fool. It's not bittul Torah to play the guitar. The reason you don't enjoy davening is because you stopped playing the guitar. Playing the guitar is good for your davening. Doing art is good for learning Gemara. Doing what you love, expressing your soul is good for learning Gemara. It's not taking away time from learning Gemara. It's good for learning Gemara. Why? Because you're just a lighter, happier person. You're a lighter, happier person. All those things are meaningless. They're not meaningless. They take on meaning because they're just making you a happier, nicer, healthier person. And what are people doing instead? You think I'm crazy. You're just looking at your phone and smoking weed. Well you guys aren't probably. Well you're looking at your phone definitely. Probably not smoking weed. Maybe some. Yeah, some people around here. But whatever, that's not helping you at all. Just not helping you, making it worse. So the number one thing when you're feeling katnut, constricted, is do fun things. DFT, do DET, do enjoyable things. Do enjoyable. Do you know what? This is a crazy thing. People live till 90 years old. What percentage of their life do you think they're doing things they enjoy? Most people very little. Very little, that's crazy. From the age of 25 to 65 you have a job and you're not loving it, but you're going to the job. It's very noble by the way, feeding a family, I think you should have a job, it's an important thing to do. People spend most of their life not doing things they enjoy. I think you should spend as much time doing enjoyable things as you possibly can now. The truth is once you become a little bit more mature, you actually start enjoying meaningful things. I enjoy teaching, I enjoy learning Torah, I enjoy praying, I enjoy putting on tefillin, I enjoy the things I'm meant to do. But not all, all the time. Not all the time. I enjoy chesed, I enjoy, I enjoy my life. I someone said to me, well, your life's so meaningful, when do you get time to enjoy it? And I'm like what? What, you think you enjoy watching some violent movie more than I enjoy empowering people to live a better life? You're crazy. You're not even enjoying that. So number one, enjoyable things. So everyone has homework. In fact, you can do it right now. Shouldn't take time. Write one enjoyable thing that you don't do enough and start doing it. Yeah, are you going to do that? Of course, I do it right now. Okay. Number two, this is big now. The, the, and this is not easy, not easy, but I think you can handle it, especially if you do enjoyable things because once you do enjoyable things then you can handle it more. The remedy for katnut is gadlut. The remedy for constriction is expansion. The remedy for smallness is greatness. So what does this mean? Wow, it could mean a few things. I'm going to say something that I wasn't planning to say, but God put it in my mouth, so I'm going to say it. In this time meaning gadlus means help other people. If your life is so hard and difficult, which it is, can be, I understand that, just... Just go and help other people. Just help people because you realize life is difficult, so go be there for other people. Not selfishly, well, because when I help people then I'll get something out of it, the truth is you will get a lot out of it. But just say right, I'm going to bring meaning into my life. I'm going to bring meaning into my life. So how can I help people? I could give money, I could volunteer, I could make videos, I could educate people, I could just go and visit sick people in a hospital, I could go there's lots of people who need help. I actually said to someone, don't ever do this, but I knew them very, very deeply well and they're very, very depressed and I said to them, you can't say this, do not do this. I said to them, you know what, you're right, your life's not really worth it anymore. So why don't you use it to help other people? And he did, and his life's only became worth it now. But I wasn't tricking the system, well, I was, I was. Gadlus? Gadlus. Gadol, gadol, comes from the word gadol, gadlut, gadlut, gadlus. So you become a great person when you go beyond yourself. Most of our problems in life are because we're so very deeply self-centered, which is understandable. But once you get beyond yourself, you got you do have your problems and your issues, we shouldn't ignore them, we're not repressing them. But once you just get beyond your little world and say I can make life better for other people and that'll bring meaning to them and me, life becomes you become a bigger person and life becomes bigger and better. How to help people, how can I help people, especially if you've been through pain and stuff because you can help people more. Hurt people hurt people, but hurt people heal people as well. Healthy hurt people heal people. Healthy conscious hurt people who healed themselves heal people. Unhealthy unconscious hurt people who were hurt and didn't heal themselves hurt people. You can also write that. That would be a longer bumper sticker. You'd have to have a bus for that one. That would be a side of the bus sticker. Whatever I said, I was about to say it again but I can't, but you got it. So go and help people. But now I want to talk about authentic Jewish spirituality, what does gadlus mean? I was sitting in a hotel room in Bangkok probably about 10 years ago, Motzei Shabbat, Chanukah, leading a trip of about 25 young professional American Jews around Thailand. I speak Thai. We went to orphanages, played with elephants, spoke about life, meditation, it was very cool. And I had this thing that every single Motzei Shabbat for a very, very long time and more, I used to read the first chapter of Mesillas Yesharim. First chapter of Mesillas Yesharim, Path of the Just, the Ramchal. I suggest to everyone read the first chapter of Mesillas Yesharim a hundred times, at least. Read it, not because you'll learn anything new, but what's going to happen is it's going to start dripping into your system. Like we were saying yesterday, וידעת היום והשבת אל לבבך, just read it again. Read it, you're not going to see something new. Maybe a few times you'll be like, oh I didn't notice that. After 10 times, you're not seeing anything new. But it's just dripping it into your heart. It's just going again and again and again. Rest of Mesillas Yesharim can be very challenging for people, so I wouldn't necessarily read it. You have to know yourself. It's strong mussar and you've got to be a very, very healthy person to deal with strong mussar. And it's very high level, but the first chapter basically says that olam hazeh, this world, is a pruzdor. And pruzdor means it basically means a training ground. It's not real. This world is not real. You are a soul, you're spiritual. This physical world is on a very, very, very low level. It's the lowest world there is. There are five worlds: Adam Kadmon, Atzilus, Briyah, Yetzirah, Asiyah, Asiyah. So we're in the lowest world and but your soul comes from the highest place. Your soul is perfect and pure and full of love. Your soul is huge, your body is very small. And that's where your katnus comes from, that you're squished in this physical body with all of its needs and stuff. When we bentch on Shabbat and Yom Tov and at weddings, we say hayinu kecholmim. שיר המעלות בשוב ה' את שיבת ציון היינו כחולמים. It means that when redemption comes, we'll realize that we were like dreamers. We'll realize that the conscious reality that we were living in wasn't the true reality. Now, it certainly feels like it, feels pretty real. So there's three states. There's sleeping dream state. If you have a dream, is that a real experience? Are you experiencing that? A dream is a real dream. It's a dream, you're in a dream and you're being chased and you're very, very scared. Are you experiencing that? Absolutely. You're experiencing that, you wake up and you're stressed and you're sweating and you are experiencing that but it's not - it is a real experience but it's a very low level of reality. It's not - there's no consciousness in that experience. In fact you don't have consciousness in that experience. But it's an experience. There was a part of you that experienced that. Not your soul; your neshama left. When you're asleep the neshama is not there so you're just left with the nefesh and the ruach. And the ruach, that's where the dreams come from, and if you haven't refined your ruach when you're awake, then your dreams are going to come from that place, it's going to be all your fears and desires and stuff is going to start coming out in your dreams. That's what the ruach. We say that a dream is one sixtieth of prophecy, but it's fifty-nine just your fears and fifty-nine parts your fears and your desires just coming out of. But it is a real experience happening. But then you wake up and you're like, \"Ah, it was just a dream.\" I wasn't really being eaten by a lion. It was just a dream. It was a real experience though. So now you're awake now and you're sitting here in my class. And you're awake in my class and you have consciousness and you have free will. You didn't have that when you were asleep. You didn't have consciousness and free will when you were asleep. Now you do have consciousness and free will and you can make your decisions and you can do your stuff. However, the sages teach that this is really called waking dream state. This is still a dream. It's a more real reality but you're actually just dreaming right now. Wake up, children. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Now this might be getting a bit freaky but it proves that you don't need psychedelics, you have Torah. Torah is much deeper than... So you're really dreaming. This is real, and it is real and trauma is real and pain is real. It's real. I'm not saying it's not real. And there's going to be a time when we wake up from this state and we realize, \"You know what, that was real and it was painful but it wasn't the real reality, it wasn't ultimate truth.\" It wasn't ultimate truth because ultimate truth is neshama which is love and kindness and goodness and sweetness and health and healing. So when the moshiach comes, when the temple is rebuilt, when Hashem arrives, we're going to be healed, but so fully that we'll realize that everything we went through was real and there was a higher reality behind it. There was a higher - it happened to my - everything that happened happened to my body and my heart and my mind, which is big, my psyche. It didn't happen to my soul because your soul's always awake. Your soul's always awake. This is why people are called awakened masters. You want to be awakened. Are you awake? There's something called lucid dreaming. Ever heard of lucid dreaming? Where you're asleep, you're dreaming but you kind of - you know you're dreaming and then you can kind of control it. Says a lot about you by the way, what you do when you're lucid dreaming. If you can control it, you're like, \"Brilliant, I'm going to go vrooom,\" or you're like, \"Great, I'm going to bring world peace now.\" What do you do? That's a great self-awareness tool. What do you do when you are lucid dreaming? But there's actually something called lucid waking. Lucid waking means that I'm living in this dream world, in this waking dream world but I'm awake now. I'm awake, I'm not so - I'm beyond katnus. I'm living a bigger, a higher consciousness. I'm not disconnected emotionally. That's my rebbe is calling. I'm not disconnected emotionally but I'm just - I have a bigger, it's called mochin de-gadlus. Mochin de-gadlus. I have a higher perspective. High perspective which really means I see beyond this world and I see beyond the pain and I see beyond. There's something beyond here. This isn't the be-all and end-all of life. There's a world beyond this, there's worlds within this world which are higher than this. There's a neshama, you really are a neshama. There's much bigger things out there. To be able to zoom out into this higher consciousness which isn't emotional detachment. That's not what I mean. It's just a higher awareness and it means I can deal with my stuff in a healthier way. So rather than saying, \"This is who I am,\" people say, \"This is who I am, this is who I am,\" I am whatever you identify with. This is who I am. Judaism says that's not who you are, you're a soul. It's the role that you're playing in this dream - waking dream world. You're playing a role now. Have you ever seen Ransom? Ransom? It's a terrible film. Do not see it. Mel Gibson. Very rich, his son gets kidnapped. And he's talking to the kidnappers. And the kidnappers are like \"If you don't give me a million dollars I'm gonna shoot your kid\" and he's like \"I don't give him back give him back give him back\". I actually think Mel's a great actor, I do. Might be antisemitic but Braveheart's my favorite film. Says a lot about me maybe, but I like Braveheart. Anyway, so eventually the guy's like \"You if you don't million and you you\" and then suddenly he hears a gunshot, bam. And Mel's like \"They just shot my son\". And he drops the phone and he's got this mansion, he's very rich and he walks out onto the balcony and the camera's spinning around and he walks to the side of the balcony and he's looking over is he going to jump off, he's going to they killed his son and then he crumples and he's in a little heap in the corner of the balcony just like \"They killed my son\". And then the production team says \"Cut! Amazing performance, Mel! That is going to win you the Oscar! Okay let's go, we're going to Burger King for lunch, brilliant! Yes Mel, that was unbelievable. You felt it.\" And imagine Mel stayed on the floor and says \"No, how can we have lunch? They killed my son\". You'd be like \"Mel, it was a good performance but it's time to come out now you know, what is it? Method acting? You really feel that? Method... it's like that was a good method dude but it's lunchtime\". He's like \"How can anyone eat because of me? They killed my son\". So that's what we're doing, you're so involved in your role that you forgot you're a soul. Oh, Baruch Hashem. You're so involved in your role that you forgot you're a soul. Tattoo that on your head. \"I'm a soul\", tattoo it on your head. \"I'm a soul\", don't tattoo it on your head. Yeah don't do it, I was joking. How do you balance all this \"Oh, it's a dream sort of\", this isn't the ultimate reality and we're just souls and everything's about our souls with living in this world and helping others because we're all just souls then shouldn't we be then there is the perspective people just sort of split themselves off and work on themselves individually on their soul. Oh beautiful! If you really knew you were a soul and tapped on your soul, you'd stop working on yourself and just help others, that's what souls do. But some people isn't there a Tzaddik b'peltz? There's an idea of a Tzaddik b'peltz. What does that mean? peltz is a fur coat. Let's say it's very very very very cold. There are two ways to get warm, either a fur coat or a fire. A fur coat has an advantage over a fire that it keeps you warm all around. But a fire has an advantage because it keeps other people warm too. So a Tzaddik, if he could spend money on a fur coat or a fire, he gets the fire because he says \"I'll take away a little bit of my warmth for other people\". So true spirituality is when it's not all about but it goes in stages, you have to work on yourself first, otherwise you've got nothing to give anyone. So first you've got to build yourself, become a Tzaddik, but a real Tzaddik is \"I'm not here for me anymore\". And you've got to get the balance. And you always have to nurture yourself. אם אין אני לי מי לי וכשאני לעצמי מה אני. I have another question. Shouldn't all our work be about other people's souls as opposed to because I remember someone once telling me I need to worry about my own Ruchniyus and by doing that I need to worry about other people's Gashmiyus. Should it be should we be more concerned about people's spirituality than their physical well-being or is that the same thing? No, no, because the physical reality is a real reality and pain is real pain and trauma is actual trauma. So it's a very lofty idea but who's actually living in that place? So if you go up to someone with trauma and say \"Well you're really a soul and souls don't feel trauma\", I hope they punch you in the face. Not you. They should be \"Shut up! I know that but that doesn't help me because it doesn't help\". This is an idea but once you can taste the idea, just taste it, it helps you then. You still have to go back and do the work. You have to do the healing and we are in pain and we do have emotions and I can't see Hashem and it's very difficult and life's hard and I'm just trying to stay afloat. But once in a while I can just take a breath and realize come out a little bit but then you've got to go back in. Come back go back but then there are the awakened people who are basically they're out. They got out of the matrix. But even when you're out of the matrix your role is then to go back into the matrix and just wake people up. Now I'm waking people up now that you're awakened now I want to wake everyone up. How to get out of the Matrix? Like how? Exactly. How to do that? The five paths of authentic Jewish spirituality that we just learned together. There are really six though by the way. You can also listen to my series on Spotify Getting to Know Yourself. The Getting to Know Yourself series very important and the Innersight series very important. I don't know how anyone deals with life without the Innersight series and the Getting to Know Yourself series. Very important. So we've got to have this balance of I have a bigger mochin, a mochin d'gadlus, but then I've got my life. So the Native Indians call it mouse vision and eagle vision. And you need to know when to be in which. Because if you're just eagle vision then you don't get stuff done and then you've got to get stuff done. But if you're in mouse vision you just get stressed. So you have to know when to be small. Katnus isn't all bad. Katnus is a good thing. I get stuff done if I have katnus. I make lists and I tick off my list and I do stuff. Katnus isn't all bad. But you're going to need to inhale and exhale gadlus katnus know when which one to use. That's balance. That's balanced spirituality. But just to always bear in the back of your mind this isn't the real reality and this is what happened in Bangkok that night Hanukkah ten years ago. I read the first chapter of Mesillas Yesharim for the hundred and seventy ninth time and suddenly I got it. Nafal li ha'asimon. I just poof and I was like and basically this world is a training ground. This world is a training ground that you have to use it to become refined and build emunah connect to God and make the world a better place. I read that hundreds of times and I taught it hundreds of times. If you woke me up in the middle of the night and you said what is this world I'd give you the right answer. I'd pass a lie detector test. But it was still just a I know this. That night Motzei Shabbat Hanukkah Bangkok it fell into my consciousness and I was like poof I just completely integrated that reality and then I was like Olam Hazeh. I call it so Olam Hazeh. Got to the airport and we hadn't paid for the I was trying to get the cheapest tickets and I did this and we got to the airport and I didn't realize it didn't come with luggage and then I had to pay extra for the luggage at the airport would have saved whatever it was and I was like so Olam Hazeh man. Just Olam Hazeh. It's not repressing it's not being stoic in terms of stiff upper lip. It's just like this is just part of the game. I'm in the game. It's a serious game and it's a difficult game and it's a painful game sometimes. But once you realize this is a game I just got to learn how to play it. And sometimes you get injured in the game and sometimes you get substituted and sometimes the game's the game but once you realize every game has a time limit every game has rules every game has methods and tactics every game has a goal life you just got to learn how to play the game of life and that doesn't mean being emotionally detached. It means how do I deal with my pain? What we're going to be learning. I didn't even get to read anything I was going to read. But what we're going to be learning is that the game is really played in katnus. The real game is I want gadlus I want deep connection and spirituality connection and experience but the real game is when it's when it's in katnus. That's where the game starts. It's like now you're being now you have to play it. Now you've got to step up. You've got to step up and play this game. When everything's going well you're just enjoying it. You're enjoying it. When it's difficult that's when you've got to play. I was actually going to say something about that. So it's it's the first step is almost have the awareness that it's then you've got to keep keep going. You've just got to keep going. So you when you were in gadlus you knew where you knew where you were going and it felt it felt good. You knew where you were going and you had your direction. Then you're in katnus and that's when the doubt starts to come in and it doesn't feel good and you want to give up and all that. But you go back to well one minute when I was in gadlus that was the direction. Yes. And this is what it feels like and even though I don't feel it necessarily I'm going to keep going. Exactly. Because I know that I I'm not experiencing it now but I know it's there. I know what it feels like. I know it's there. Now when you're in gadlus the gadlus is this is definitely the true reality. But when you're in katnus you're like this is definitely the true reality. That's why I tell some people when they're in gadlus to write that down for write a note for I know, I know, I know. I am you. I'm your higher you. Whatever. I forgot to put—I'm your higher you and you're going to be okay. It doesn't feel like you're going to be okay right now. I know it doesn't feel like that. Just trust me, you are going to be okay. You're going to be okay. This is big world, life, big world. Now when you're in katnus and reading that, you're like, shut up! And you burn it and you're like, shut up, you don't know I'm going to be okay. But if you can just hang on to the, I know there is something even though I can't experience it. So what this does is it softens everything. Softens it, doesn't heal it, doesn't change it, but it softens it a little bit. It's like, I see there's a bigger thing going on. There's a bigger thing and as long as I'm playing the game. Now people think when they're struggling in life, they're doing badly, but that's not, that's the game of life, is the struggle. Giving up on yourself and giving up on life, then you left the game. But just trying, I'm really, I'm really trying, but I'm struggling. I don't feel connected to Hashem and Judaism, but I want to. And I'm struggling. That is the game. And one day the game's going to come to an end and you will think, I just failed, I just failed. And you're going to get up to heaven and Hashem is just going to put you in the highest place and said, you—that was the game. The game was to keep going. The game was to keep going even though it didn't feel good. The game was to show up. The game was to really, really what I was going to read, העבודה בקטנות הוא קבלת עול ואמונה. The real avodah is akshanut. It's just keep going, keep going. I'm just going to show up for myself. I don't feel like it. I don't feel like going to the gym anymore. I'm just going to keep going. I've got this thing that the day I stop kickboxing, I'm old. I just—and often Tuesday morning I'm like, I just—because I know what's going to happen, it's very hard training. I'm like, but if I don't go today, that's it, I'm finished. So I turn up. Now but once I get in there and the music's on and I put—I'm like, yes! I'm like, come on! And then by the end I'm like, that was the best thing I've ever done. Just keep going. Keep going. I'm just going to show up for myself. Just—and know that you can't always show up for yourself so you will let yourself down a lot and that's part of the game. So then just get up and go again. And let's say you fail nine times, every tenth time you succeed. And then you fail nine times and you see—spend the whole of your life failing nine times and then succeeding the tenth, you lived a successful life because you didn't give up. You did—it—you could have given up. I just—you're like, what do you mean? I only got one out of ten. I don't think you did, I think you probably got ten out of ten because the game was just to not give up. Maybe that's your game in this life. Don't give up on yourself. Don't give up on Hashem. Just do what needs to be done. Believe in yourself. Let go, let go, let it go, let it go, go, go. אחרי שמובן ומושרש אצל האדם, I want to read at least three words. Have we ever read—done anything I've ever wanted to do in a class? I don't think I ever did. אחרי שמובן ומושרש אצל האדם מהו ענין הקטנות ומה תכליתו הנה עצם ההבנה הזאת נותנת כח לעמוד בנסיון הקטנות. Once you understand that you're going to feel disconnected and difficult and you understand the purpose of that is to help you grow and help you hold on and help you to have emunah and whatever it is, that gives you the koach to deal with it more. Rather than saying I'm feeling down, therefore I'm messing up or life's not fair, saying I'm feeling down and therefore there's a special avodah in this time, there is the avodah of katnus. It gives you the strength to deal with it. You can still cry and you can still feel hard, but once you understand that there's nothing wrong with me and there's nothing wrong with the world and there's nothing wrong—obviously there is stuff wrong with me and the world, but you know what I mean. It's like, I'm not bad for feeling down. Not—that's not—there's nothing wrong with me morally. Then you can say, once you say see challenges as part of the game, it's a bit cheesy, but challenges as opportunities. I see my pain and challenge in life as an opportunity to become great. Then that gives you the strength to at least try. Yes? Is gadlus just a gift that you get or could you work—you can work to having more gadlus. It is sometimes a gift. Sometimes you davened Mincha and it feels great. So Hashem gave you a nice little, that was nice, thanks Hashem. And then people get arrogant. Oh, I davened the best Mincha. It's like no, it was a gift from Hashem you were given me. But you can work on expanding your consciousness. Meditation, positive thinking. DET, DET. Do enjoyable things. It's good for your gadlus. Doing things you just enjoy doing and are pleasurable helps expand your mind. You just feel more vitality. You just literally feel more physical and emotional vitality. So that pulls you out of the heaviness. People's lives are very heavy. I want to make people's lives not heavy. Forget God and mitzvot and stuff, just do things that are enjoyable that that taps you into a more expansive state. I just feel better. I feel full of full of energy and full of vitality. I also think a big thing is getting up early in the morning. I think it's such a big key. I won't put pressure on yourself to do it, but it changes your life. It's the single most important avodah, forget Judaism. Why don't you broaden your yedi'as Hashem? Like I think this helps you broaden your yedi'as Hashem. How? I don't know more about Him. Your soul enjoys expression through music and art and walking in nature. So how do you how am I going to improve my yedi'as Hashem? What, so I'm going to read another mussar book? And you've done that. Does it help? It helps a bit. It does. It does. Very important but you you're a balance you're a human being, you're balanced. I'm very into yedi'as Hashem. It's my whole thing. I'm very don't worry. But I find that when I play the keyboard I have not just yedi'as Hashem, I have chavayas, I have an experience of Hashem within me. I feel alive. I want to feel alive. I feel alive. I feel alive. So you can learn Torah all day, shteigen, you can say the whole book of Tehillim, you can it doesn't necessarily give everyone. If it gives you that, you're very lucky, but I've not met many people who I'm going to say more Tehillim and dress more tzniua and therefore I'm going to feel It's a nice idea, I like it. And you should do it as well. I think you should do those things. But teshuva isn't I'm going to correct my external actions. People think teshuva is I'm going to get up earlier, davven more, and and have a bit more self-control when eating cake. And oh, that's really, really cute, but teshuva is not about regulating your external behavior, it's about transforming your inner world. And part of transforming your inner world is playing tennis. See you're breathing nicer now. Look at that breath, it's nice. No one's breathing like this. I give you permission to do things you enjoy for 10 minutes a day, otherwise it's bittul Torah. Do things you enjoy, I give you permission. And the second thing I was about to say, self-nurture. In order to do this work, you have to be looking after yourself. You have to be having hot baths with lavender oil. You have to be listening to Yanuka music. You have to be Yanuka? רב שלמה יהודה בארי. Is that the young rabbi? I don't know if I can carry on recording and play the music. We'll see now.