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Diagnosed with Complex Trauma and a Dissociative Disorder, Emma and her system share what they learn along the way about complex trauma, dissociation (CPTSD, OSDD, DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality), etc.), and mental health. Educational, supportive, inclusive, and inspiring, System Speak documents her healing journey through the best and worst of life in recovery through insights, conversations, and collaborations.
Over:
Speaker 2:Welcome to the System Speak Podcast, a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to long time listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you.
Speaker 1:We have emails today. This one is from Moonfall System. They said, hello. We used to listen to your podcast back in 2020 and 2021 until personal reasons stopped our ability to listen. We may have sent an email back then, but I cannot remember under which name or email it would have been.
Speaker 1:We've been trying to catch up now, relistening from the start again. Wow, that's a lot of listening. We just reached late twenty twenty one, start of 2023 episodes. You know, we have gotten half of 2022 back up and hoping we can work on the rest of 2022 over the break, but so much is happening. I don't know if that will happen, but we are working on it.
Speaker 1:We're so close to having all the episodes back up that are going to come back up. Like we really just have about seven or eight months left to go. They said, So we still have a long way to go until we catch up. Although admittedly, we do skip interviews for now. We may revisit ones later on, but at this moment, they tend to be upsetting for our system at times.
Speaker 1:Hey, that's really great, actually, responding to your system, knowing the limits of what your system wants or needs, being able to, like they say in recovery, take what you need and leave the rest. I think that's fantastic. That's so healthy. There's zero requirement for anyone to listen to anything. It really is okay.
Speaker 1:I think that's great. Despite not being caught up, we wanted to let you know that we are grateful you have shared your story, and listening to you now that we are five years older than we were when we first found you, has been really helpful. We are not as narrow minded and are learning more about other systems and the community. Your podcast has helped. We have read a few chapters of your book, If Tears Were Prayers, but not all of it yet.
Speaker 1:Oh, yeah, that's brutal stuff. That is intense. I know we are years late to this, but you reclaiming your story in those pieces through that book and making sure your voices are heard is so very strong and important. I know the book only covers what you described as the easier parts at the time and it only comes to show how strong you are to have made it out alive and be able to share these things and help others. Thank you.
Speaker 1:Thank you for seeing me. I'm not sure if we will send more emails before catching up. I did want to wait until being caught up initially before realizing how long that would take. So for the time being, I'm sending this as a reminder that your journey, rough as it may have been, is still helping others. We hope you're doing well in present days.
Speaker 1:You deserve healing and stability, however that may look for you. Oh, thank you so much, Moon Falls. That means the world. Really. Ew, I needed that.
Speaker 1:Sarah says, I'm listening to your episode on spiritual rape. Yikes. This is really brutal. I can't believe I said that. First, I need to say that I am so sorry these things happened to you.
Speaker 1:Those things should never have happened. Also, there's elements of convergence in our stories where I really wish I could talk to you in person because I'm still trying to sort it all out. I was not formally in shiny, happy culture, but my parents had their own tragic views of God and parenting. I was also blanket trained, and my mother told me they started spanking me when I was six months old things like not greeting my father or relative with a smile. I was never formally involved in the LDS church, but I lived in Salt Lake City, Utah from kindergarten through third grade and was one of three students in a school with 500 students and as one of the few who was not a practicing Mormon.
Speaker 1:With those specific kids, I was bullied relentlessly. It was a tight knit community and my parents didn't care for me in ways that were obvious to these kids. When I was five, right before I started kindergarten, I disclosed to my mom that I thought I was being sexually abused, and she said it wasn't happening. I was very confused. I can't even blame her for this because she also has trauma.
Speaker 1:But her saying that made me more confused. My faith was twisted and God was weaponized. Three months after my ninth birthday, my father broke my nose, and after covering it with makeup so I could go to an Awana Awards ceremony, church people told my mom she needed to get us away from my dad. So we ran away, and not for the first time, because we had run away before, but it was the last time we would all run away. I don't want to say more than that, because of dissociation for me, and I really don't mean to be trauma dumping or giving too many details, but the real thing I wanted to mention is that I also went to a rigidly controlling Christian boarding school for high school and a very small Christian college.
Speaker 1:The first month I was at school, I ended up in deliverance prayer with six middle aged adults and me. They somehow provoked a protector part that had never fronted in front of people, and she was out of control and dangerous to myself, and they restrained me, holding her hands to the ground. They said she was evil and they wanted to poke her eyes out, and they prayed for hours while she fought the restraint. She pretended to be cast out, but we couldn't stop self harming, and we were gay. We were forced to go to a Christian counselor who said we needed inpatient and couldn't help us, but we kept going to be able to stay in school.
Speaker 1:That, yeah, that's what happened to me, the exorcisms and the praying away the gay and, being required to go to an unlicensed counselor at the school to be able to stay in school. This school had us go to a residential treatment ministry, and we were there for fourteen months. We got married to a man who we had been set up with in the boarding school. Yeah, the arranged marriage thing, right? Oh, he's a good friend, but the body is gay.
Speaker 1:We're still married. We have three bio children and adopted a very behaviorally complex kiddo who had been in foster care for eight years. Oh my goodness, I can't. I can't. I'm just We began quickly afterwards to recognize how much we were going to have to fight to get her access to basic care.
Speaker 1:It was undiagnosed PTSD triggers that I noticed in my adopted daughter that brought forward my system, and I had to go to therapy, otherwise I was not going to survive. There's so much more than that. I wanted to share a little bit to tell you how much your podcast means to my system. Every side quest has been relevant to us. We're so grateful for your willingness to talk about spiritual abuse and reclaiming your queer identity.
Speaker 1:We are on our own journey, and knowing you are out there in the world makes us feel less alone. Thank you for the light you share. You have no idea how much it means. Your sharing has given me language for, and validation of, the continuing harm my faith community is causing me and how they put the blame back on me. You are a light.
Speaker 1:Please keep going. Sarah, I can't thank you enough. Thank you so much for your email. Carla says, Hi everyone. If you are still after some assistance to create transcripts for the podcast episodes, I'd be happy to help with two per month.
Speaker 1:You know what, Carla? That is so sweet. I really appreciate that. I do. And you wanting to support us in that way is a great example of how not all support is financial.
Speaker 1:We also need volunteers. We also just need your encouraging messages like the one Sarah just sent. All of those things count as supporting us, right? The transcripts have always been an epic project. They've also always been a priority as a Deaf person with cochlear implants.
Speaker 1:I also rely on transcripts when I'm listening. And also, it is now finally fully automated, so we don't have to do anything. So that one is easy. But Carla, it means the world to me that you stepped up. Thank you.
Speaker 1:Tiana says, I'm listening to Indigiqueer, and I love this episode. I thought you might like to know that the actual literal term Indigiqueer was coined by Cree artist Theo Cuthand. If you Google search him, it does bring up his dead name. Okay, okay, we want to be respectful of that. So the direct link is tjcutthand.com.
Speaker 1:That's amazing, and I will add that as an edited show note for that episode. Thank you for telling me. Okay, we have an email from Lexi, and I love emails from Lexi. Lexi is a thinker and Lexi is a reflector and Lexi brings such truth and accuracy and clarity and clear seeing to the table. It helps bring my left brain back online and be like, oh yeah, thank you, thank you.
Speaker 1:So I love emails from Lexi. Lexi says, Dear Emma, broadly defined, a simulation can mean anything from a photorealistic computer graphic to invented biographies of undercover agents or the plastic apples in a shop's display window. John Baudrillard said that, quote, the simulacrum is never that which conceals the truth. It is the truth which conceals that there is none. What this means is that a simulated image, unlike a retouched image, has no original.
Speaker 1:Instead, it is the truth which conceals that there is none. Likewise, a plastic apple, unlike a waxed apple, has no original, and therefore is a truth in itself. Speaking only for myself, I can say with confidence that you quote going on side quests quote with the podcast, your realness in relaying the story of yourselves and your life as authentically as is safely possible is a major reason not only for why I am still here, but also for why I could learn so much from all that you are. If I wanted something simulated, I would get an audio version of a therapy manual, or look at the curated, the simulated lives on social media, that simulated realm in which people no longer climb mountains for the sake of the experience, but for the sake of selfies at the top. Would it have made a difference if they had flown up by helicopter?
Speaker 1:The carefully curated pictures would certainly be the same. You are not more of that same. You stand out. By showing yourself, by being true to yourself, being authentic, vulnerable, and real. The courage and bravery of doing that, especially in a world so full of retouched, of outright simulated images and public personas, is inspiring and a lesson in itself.
Speaker 1:Lexi, thank you for sharing your progress, not just your results. The process, not just the product. Thank you for teaching me a myriad of lessons, many of which are implicit in the story of becoming yourself, lessons embedded in the reality of your life experience. Thank you for proving in your actions that both living in reality and being real are an option. Oh my goodness, Lexi.
Speaker 1:Thank you. Thank you for seeing me. I'm just practicing today, but it's still kind. That is so kind. It is a kind thing to see people.
Speaker 1:I think that's what I mean. I think that's what the sunflowers are about. I think that's what I mean when I post the emojis of the sunflowers is like, I see you. I feel you. This is a moment where you're sending one to me, I feel seen, and I am so grateful to not be alone.
Speaker 1:This has just been a hard couple of years and decades and life, and to have that sunflower effect where we can turn towards each other for warmth, that is what it is all about. And not being alone in the drenching cold rain, that is what it's about. And standing tall despite the heaviness of the storm, that is what it's about. And doing my own work to hold myself up and together and still alive while you yourself are there still alive, that is what it's all about. We are surviving this together while doing our own work in therapy.
Speaker 1:We're not rescuing each other. We're not pulling each other down. We don't have to destroy someone to crawl to the top. That's not the mountain I want to even be on. I am here where I have been planted, doing what I'm here to do, and that is enough for me.
Speaker 1:And to also be seen is everything that is the nourishment nourishment in my soul. Thank you so much. Okay, so I'm looking to see what emails were posted for me to read, and one thing I said in response to something that I'm seeing I can clarify from what I just read a minute ago is that the original podcast episodes are now up through the August 2022. So I really am almost done with 2022. Terry says, The 11/1325 emails episode was outstandingly encouraging.
Speaker 1:My attention was grasped by the suggestion of how the philosophy of Epicurus is relevant to overcoming indoctrination by high demand religion. The part of me that earned a PhD was delighted. The ship metaphor awakened and delighted the poetic part of me. It made it possible to listen to descriptions of the terror of anxiety and embracing the need for space to be an introvert. We remembered when we first started hearing system speak podcast driving to work in my Nissan Leaf ship.
Speaker 1:Today, I listened, breathing and holding by breath. We listened and were reminded why we trust that System Speak will continue to be in the car with us as we go between ships just bobbing along. Thank you for the beautiful rendition of For Good from the Broadway musical Wicked. Terry, thank you so much. You've got so many details, and I really appreciate the encouragement.
Speaker 1:I really do. Bees said, I listened to Unconquerable, and wow, was it a nail on the head and kind and serendipitous for where I am right now. I will be listening to this one twice. Thank you so much. Oh my goodness, I will never forget that day.
Speaker 1:My therapist suddenly shifting into poetry recitation. That was wild. It was unexpected and it was effective. I will never ever forget it. Maribouz said, the most recent episode about current events really helped us reckon with our system reactions.
Speaker 1:We heard you, Emmas, and we thank you for this episode. Your voice matters too. Thank you so much, Maribouz. I know there are some political issues with Spotify right now, but also people posting their Spotify raps about the podcast was hilarious. That was so fun.
Speaker 1:Thank you. This one says, for some reason, I was unable to get past all the podcast episodes last year in 2024, which meant I was not able to be caught up. There has been some kind of block and I'm not able to listen. I stopped trying to force myself. Hey, good for you.
Speaker 1:That's huge. That's a big deal. I decided I could go back to them later if and when I am ready in the future. Oh my goodness. All the gold stars for that.
Speaker 1:You know what the gold stars come from in like the symposium and all of that? Come back to some of the very, very beginning episodes with our first therapist when she would give us, John Mark specifically, stickers that were like a sheriff badge. At the most recent symposium, I actually found, or right after the most recent symposium, I actually found one of those original stickers, and I was able to share that recently with the community, and that was super fun to find. That's where the gold stars come from, are that original sticker from my therapist. She says, So I skipped to the present day episodes, and boy am I glad that I did.
Speaker 1:The content has been deeply aligned, personal, and exactly what I need right now. You know what, this is a really good point. People will just find their own way through the podcast. I suggest people start at the beginning if they're coming for dissociation because it's such intense stuff we're covering now. But really in an Al Anon way, I don't have any control over that, and I don't care.
Speaker 1:Like, whatever you need to do is fine. That's totally okay. So I've been wondering about that even in the intro if that needs to be updated. Especially unconquerable and also the guest episode with Sandra Simpson that I listened to last night. On top of it being deeply personal to my own personal life, it's also relevant to present day events happening to people around me who I care about.
Speaker 1:As I mentioned, I just listened to the Sandra Simpson guest episode yesterday, and wow, it was perfect and could not have come at a better time for me. There's so much good stuff in the episode, I felt like I was listening to people who share my values, which unfortunately in this world is hard to find. Sandra was talking about doing what is right and good, and often you don't meet the person or people that you are helping and never get to see how your actions have helped. And then Emma was talking about how she uses her voice despite the backlash and the world of pain that comes with being true to your values and using your voice to speak the truth. Her statement about silence is complicity.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, yes, and infinity times yes. The only reason terrible people get away with doing terrible things is by intimidating and scaring others into fear, silence, compliance, and complicity. But light is the greatest disinfectant and by being silent, the terrible sinister darkness can continue to fester. Emma and Sandra also talked about how important community is in recovery and systemic change. I feel this is also deeply personal to me and my life right now because a small dose of safe community has slowly helped parts of myself become re empowered and restored.
Speaker 1:I am sure that parts of me that never had a chance to develop can have the chance to grow. While I am going through a hard life period right now, I somehow I also feel hope for myself, and this is a really big deal for me. I am incredibly thankful to Emma for putting herself out there and using her voice for good, despite all of the backlash, parasocial situations, nastiness, predatory behaviors, and email interactions, and all of the terrible things that come with it. I really do appreciate the sacrifice Emma has made to do this work. Emma's work and sacrifices have been incredibly empowering for me personally, and I would be far worse off if I never found her podcast.
Speaker 1:So thank you so much to Emma for her work. Emma, you are a rockstar and I appreciate you. And also to Sandra for coming on the podcast. It was amazing. And I loved hearing about all you had to say and the work you and your team are doing.
Speaker 1:It is inspirational and empowering. Oh my goodness, Sandra was so real and so sweet and so authentic, and I loved talking to her. I am a super fan of Sandra. Absolutely. I also think it's interesting, I noticed some feelings in my body when I was reading the email and the word sacrifice.
Speaker 1:I know that for me that's absolutely a religious trauma kind of word, like where we're supposed to give up ourselves. We've talked about this in religious trauma group, where it's like infanticidal attachment in the context of organized abuse, where we are taught and expected to literally sacrifice ourselves, give up time, finances, energy, effort, preferences, like sexuality, like all of the different aspects of who we are and how we function as people to let go of that, to offer that to other people. And there are some ways in which altruism and sharing what you have with others is a good and beautiful thing and is not always religious trauma, even in a religious context, right? For some people, it's an expression of faith. And that can be really beautiful, even if your expression of faith is congruent to your values and not with a specific organization.
Speaker 1:But when you are expected to sacrifice yourself, which is more than what you have, that's not the same thing and it's unacceptable. And it was interesting to read your email, not because there was anything wrong with your email. I don't mean it. It was a very sweet email and I love like the cheerleading in it. I have so many questions for you, but I can talk to you in community.
Speaker 1:But I'm noticing that isn't that interesting that I don't sacrifice myself anymore. That's not okay, that's unacceptable. And I just want to make that explicit, meaning direct and on the table of the conversation, whether that's internally or externally, I just want to speak to that piece. Sharing what I have, sharing what I want to offer, absolutely okay. Giving up myself to do so, not okay.
Speaker 1:It goes back to Lexi's email about their needing to be the original. If I'm not there, there's nothing for me to actually give. And that's not okay with me. So it was fun to read your email and also to see my own growth in reflection of it. I love that so much.
Speaker 1:Thank you. Cat says, Healing Em, Healing Me. The gratitude for Em, the holding our own baby's thoughts, the family rendition of Galileo at the end, all the tears in a good way. That is all. Oh, Kat, thank you so much.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much. And even if that is all, and these two sweet little lines, for you to have the courage and vulnerability to show up and to share that out loud so that we could respond to it, so that it is an actual connection between us. I love it so much. Thank you for making that real. I also got emails, lots of emails asking about the flood and a couple things.
Speaker 1:I can answer these. The flooding is starting to go down. The river is receding, which is great. The water is receding. Everything is very wet.
Speaker 1:Everything is very muddy. Everything is there's silt from the river left behind. And also we are at on the hill that is sort of like at the base of a mountain. And so the water coming off the mountain is sort of rinsing some of that away. And also in other places, roads are just gone.
Speaker 1:New ravines are created, bridges are out. So there's kind of a bit of chaos culturally, But as far as safety, everyone in our area really paid attention and we really support our public works people and our weather people and these kinds of organizations that we need for safety. And because they showed up, because we support them, because they did a good job and communicated to us, no one died in our flood. They have announced that. And we are so grateful for all that they did to keep us informed.
Speaker 1:We followed it and we were safe. It was scary. And also I think we were okay. It was, I think, the scariest when it was the middle of the night and the water was coming up the hill because we didn't know when it was gonna stop. And by that point, there was no way to get off the hill.
Speaker 1:And so that is probably the piece I didn't share with the children directly because it was a little bit terrifying to think about that if it continued to rise, there was nowhere for us to go at that point. There was no way to get off or away or to get to higher ground than where we were. So it was a lot. It was an intense couple of weeks. There's also a lot of places where there's no power because trees came down.
Speaker 1:And so it's like careful driving, which areas are open, which areas have electricity, those kinds of things. And also we're okay. Like there's nothing to worry about. We are okay. And I'm grateful.
Speaker 1:I miss being able to walk at the river, but it's still closed. It has gone down to the other side of the barrier walls they put up. And as of yesterday, when the whole family went down to look, because they opened the parking lots around it where we used to park to go walk, And so we went to go look once they said it was safe to do so. And as the kids climbed up, of course, to look over the barriers, they said the river water has gone down even past the other side of the sidewalk. It's still muddy and covered in silt.
Speaker 1:They said they'll power wash that and make sure the sidewalk is safe before they reopen the river walk. Sandbags are still everywhere and also we're okay. I want to be really clear about that. It was scary. It was a natural disaster.
Speaker 1:It was a big deal here where we are locally, and also we're okay. Finally, I got an email asking what doxxed means. It means personal or professional information published without the person or organization's consent, including my home address or organizational documents for the nonprofit. It's also broader than that. I'm going to put a link to the wiki about doxxing.
Speaker 1:I'll put the link in the show notes. This is not the first time this has happened to my family or to system speak, and it's sad that any of us have been through so much. Trauma and deprivation are the worst, and also that's why we're here, to add support and connection and healing to the world. Tiki and Olam, like, let's heal ourselves parallel to each other together. And because I am in recovery where I learned that there is nothing I can do about what other people say or do or think or how they behave, I can focus on myself, my healing, my recovery, and telling my stories my own way, which I have always done and will continue to do in whatever format.
Speaker 1:That's a big piece of my healing. That's what we do here. I think if anything, it shows how much we all need each other, not in a rescuing or enabling way, but just for a presence and not being alone when there's so much hard in the world. So thank you so much for this support the last couple of weeks. It has meant the world truly.
Speaker 1:And I think it also reflects our growth, not just mine, but ours as a community and not just the system speak community, the greater online community. There is growth because this was such a different experience. And it was really the first time that this has happened where I was not alone in it. And that means the world to me. And I am so grateful.
Speaker 1:Thank you truly. And then finally, to close with the good news. Yes, we have a new book coming out. It is up for pre order and it is called Mapping Mirrors. It is about attachment and deprivation, complex trauma, and dissociation.
Speaker 1:It is a clinical but accessible book. I have other plans related to it that I'm excited about, but I can't talk about yet. But this one is ready to go. It is up for pre orders. It's at the publishers now.
Speaker 1:We've looked at the proofs. We've approved the proofs. It is being published in January and will be shipping by February. So I'm super excited. I'll put the link to that in the show notes as well.
Speaker 1:And I am so relieved to close out this year in the community. We were talking about how it's been the year of the snake, and it's been about shedding all of this. Of course, I have with that the whole Reputation era of Taylor Swift from the Eris tour. I missed it when it all happened, but I reclaimed that or have claimed that from the Eris tour and the whole thing where the strength we have when we are true to ourselves. And so it has been a reputation era kind of year and the shedding of things that we don't need anymore.
Speaker 1:The letting go of memory time wiring that is a part of us doing the recovery work to heal and do things differently and in more healthy ways. Y'all, am just letting the train happen. It is such a good example. I did not cause the train. I cannot control the train.
Speaker 1:I cannot cure the train. And also, it is to me still a comfort because it means we are safe. There is not water drowning the train tracks. So, the train has become like my Buddhist friend next door. It's just a very friendly and comforting sound to me now.
Speaker 1:So, yes, letting go of all things from the year of the snake and embracing the year of the horse. Where there is movement and courage and forward momentum, we found this thing that said where the snake revealed the truth, the horse asks us to act on it, to trust our instincts, choose freedom over familiarity, and move boldly towards what feels aligned with us. It is a year of embodiment and vision, where clarity turns into action and confidence grows through passion. The shedding is done. Now we run.
Speaker 1:I love it so much. It could not have been a more beautiful year, a more healing year. I have for so many years said, I am so glad this year is over because it was so hard. And this is the first time maybe in my life where I am like, this year, I loved every minute of this year. I don't mean I enjoyed it, it was hard.
Speaker 1:It was hard. There were pieces that were so hard this year. And also, the healing that I gleaned from this year, the growth that came to me this year, the person I have become this year, and I am loving it because it feels congruent my own experience. I love it. Last year, the year of the snake taught us how to shed what no longer fits.
Speaker 1:It was a season of quiet clarity, one that asked us to slow down, listen, and recognize where we were living. The lesson wasn't about rushing change, but about understanding why it was necessary. The snake reminded us that growth often happens invisibly, and that letting go is not an ending, but a preparation for what comes next. I love it so much. That so fully encapsulates my experience.
Speaker 1:I just really appreciated it when I saw it. Y'all, it's been a year. It has been a year.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much for listening to us and for all of your support for the podcast, our books, and them being donated to survivors and the community. It means so much to us as we try to create something that's never been done before, not like this. Connection brings healing.