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Diagnosed with Complex Trauma and a Dissociative Disorder, Emma and her system share what they learn along the way about complex trauma, dissociation (CPTSD, OSDD, DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality), etc.), and mental health. Educational, supportive, inclusive, and inspiring, System Speak documents her healing journey through the best and worst of life in recovery through insights, conversations, and collaborations.
Over:
Speaker 2:Welcome to the System Speak Podcast, a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to long time listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you.
Speaker 1:Hi love. Hello. I hope your day is being a bit better than ours.
Speaker 2:Well, you know, this is our life, right?
Speaker 1:Oh, yeah.
Speaker 2:Okay. So just to get started, I know it may be shocking, but in case there are people out there who don't actually know who you are, go Go ahead and just introduce yourself and your system a little bit and that you're on YouTube just so that that introduction is there in your own way and your own voice.
Speaker 1:Yeah, sure. Alright. Hello everybody, my name is Kyle, I'm an alter in the DissociaDID system. We run a YouTube channel under the name DissociaDID and thank you very much for letting us be on your little podcast, I'm well excited. Well, thank you so
Speaker 2:much! That was so official,
Speaker 1:like you did before! It's all in the practice, it comes with time.
Speaker 2:Right. So, how long have you had your channel?
Speaker 1:I was actually coming up to this Sunday will be one year. That's what I thought,
Speaker 2:it was kind of good timing for your interview.
Speaker 1:Right? We're well excited about it. Can't believe it's been going so long now. It's a big deal, I think.
Speaker 2:I am actually not very good at YouTube.
Speaker 1:What do you mean not good at it?
Speaker 2:I don't even know. And I it's not like I'm old or ancient or don't know how to use YouTube. I'm just not home a lot. I can't sit with my phone a lot, so it's really hard for me to do a lot of videos. But anytime I search anything, yours are the ones that come up.
Speaker 2:And so I have seen different ones, but I don't know that I've seen them in order or would be most intelligent about your story as it's presented.
Speaker 1:I'm gonna judge you for that. That's fine. I'm surprised that our stuff comes up that much. I would have thought it'd be all multiple to me in the Entropy system because they're well well good YouTubers as well.
Speaker 2:Those are the two that I've seen actually. So I just want to upfront just thank you because
Speaker 1:it's
Speaker 2:been very educational and I know you've had a really big impact on the community and you've put a lot of effort into a positive approach about not just understanding what's going on, but as trying to build a sense of community. And when we have a community where so many of us already don't feel safe or where so many of us are struggling to learn how to express ourselves and so there can be drama or nastiness or whatever and I feel like you have tried, at least from my perspective, and I know I really know nothing. But from what I've seen, you have really tried to keep the focus on the community and supporting each other. And when you respond to your viewers, you are so supportive of them and connect with them. I think it's a powerful thing.
Speaker 1:You for recognizing that. That's so sweet of you to say. I know when Chloe started her channel that was one of her well, mean, when she started her channel she wasn't expecting that anyone would watch her videos. It was just for like friends and family kind of thing because people are like, what's this DID thing you're always on about? What does that mean?
Speaker 1:But then as soon as people started watching the videos, her first thing that she said to me, because I was I think I was like the second person to upload a video for her, because she was dissociating so much that what she'd filmed didn't make any sense. She got really stressed out about it and she was like, now I want to make sure this information is put forward in like a good way, a solid way, an easy understandable way that's not going to freak anyone out. So she was very much like, if you're going to do this for me, I want to make sure that we build a community, like a safe space. I don't want this just to be another bit of the Internet where someone's putting up video. She wanted it to be somewhere that people could come, whether they had DID or not, that was a safe environment.
Speaker 1:So whenever we're putting across information we don't try and make light of DID and say it's all fun and games and stuff like that because it ain't. But we do always try and make sure people know that there can be positive outcomes for people with DID You do have a community and you ain't alone, there are people here for you who may be professionals, maybe not, but if you just need somewhere to be heard. We wanted our area of the internet, if you will, to be a place where people could come. So we're very on top of monitoring all comments, any hate comments towards us or anyone else, any fights or anything like that. We monitor it really closely because everyone deserves a place to be heard and listened to.
Speaker 1:So we wanted that to come with just not just making videos, but a place for people to feel safe.
Speaker 2:I think it's a powerful thing. And even clinically, all of the research that's coming out right now about shame and trauma all talks about how what heals that is connection. You are giving people a taste of that. And so even though you're on YouTube and you don't get to hang out with everybody or maybe don't wanna hang out with everybody, they they when they interact with you, they get a taste of what that feels like. And the more that we are able to do that for each other as a community, the more familiar it becomes and they're able to seek it out in other places, whether that's finding a therapist who actually is helpful or friends who are safe instead of reliving trauma over and over again through different incidents that happen.
Speaker 2:Think it's bigger than we realize.
Speaker 1:Not just having DID but having any kind of mental health disorder or an illness is that people find it difficult to accept and talk about because they haven't learned to understand their illness and the symptoms that come with their illness in a way that's free from shame. So the more people practice or are able to talk to other people online or have a safe place to do that and understand that oh wait, no they experienced that too, that ain't so weird' or like oh no wait, that's really normal and I don't have to feel ashamed of that because they feel that too and they aren't ashamed because maybe they're further on in their healing process for example. But like what you see with us and a lot of other youtubers like we just met multiplicity me last weekend. What you see is what you get like we talk to our followers, we talk to our camera, we talk to our people in the comments exactly the same way we would talk to someone if we met you face to face like. So it's really easy to practice like what you would say to someone else and then repeat what you've said online to a doctor or something like that.
Speaker 1:Because even if you ain't said it verbally, you said it before, you've practiced understanding how you feel and how you're putting that into words. And once you come to terms with that, it's a lot easier to speak to professionals about it, speak to friends about it face to face. Because it's little tiny steps, But I do think that being honest and being upfront and being as genuine as possible does go a long way to making people feel at ease with their own disorders as well as if you're being honest about yours, they're going to pick up on that.
Speaker 2:I think it's a powerful thing. And you hit on something that's been true for us as well with the podcast. We started the podcast because videos are just not accessible to us. Way our lifestyle is, we've got to be more on the go. And so we were looking for podcasts and it was difficult to find them.
Speaker 2:And so we decided just to go ahead and start one and see what happens. And it exploded, which is great. And I'm grateful that it's resonating with people, but what you're saying is true, like I did not realize the healing that would come through my own process of experience.
Speaker 1:Right? Like you may have seen like, oh, we haven't got, you know, there's a space for something that isn't happening yet and we wanna be able to provide people with what we want, like for example, because you're on the go and stuff like that. I ain't ever heard of a DID podcast before I heard a system speak and I thought, damn, well that's not something that we would need because we use YouTube but if we were on the go and stuff like that how brilliant is it that you've been brave enough to start up something like that and you know do it off your own back. It has reached loads and loads of people in a way that we haven't been able to because you know some people can't, like you said, sit down and watch YouTube. It's so important to cater to all sorts of people all over the world, like you've touched so many lives and I think that's something you should really be proud of.
Speaker 2:Aww, well thank you. What have you noticed about when you've done your channel and been in this process that you've learned from each other inside through the videos of editing or watching your own videos, getting better even though it's not always pleasant.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, no, I get what you mean. I think honestly the thing that sticks out the most, you probably saw me then start laughing, but it's because Nadia, when she sits down in front of camera, none of us knew this, but Nadia, she well, we knew she was energetic, right? If you if any of you guys have seen our videos, you will know Nadia. Like there is no stopping her at all. She's got way too much energy for the body, and it's it's exhausted whenever someone else reaches out in front of her.
Speaker 1:But poor Chloe edits all the videos, right? Usually we'll sit down and film something for like fifteen minutes or something like that. Nadia will leave Chloe with like forty five minutes and hours worth of footage that she's got to try and cut down because she just does not stop talking. And it's like Nadia, please, I know you want to make friends and I know you love everyone online, but you've got to chill out girl, you've really got to chill out. Yeah, doing stuff like this has increased our awareness of each other, it's improved our internal communication and while you're right that's not always pleasant and sometimes it brings up things like memories are easier to pass between us without realizing especially for me because I'm primary protector and I hold a lot of stuff that other people aren't ready for yet, it can accidentally let something slip because our communication has increased so dramatically and none of us have really had time to adjust to that happened so fast.
Speaker 1:As well as when we started dissociated, Chloe, as far as she knew, thought we had 14 alters because of how far this has taken our internal communication and our understanding of how our own system works and how everyone else feels about not just being online but about having this disorder. We now know that we have 26 alters which is in a year quite a big deal. So yeah, it's helped us. Helped us a lot.
Speaker 2:That's a lot to learn about yourself.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's been a lot. We've had a lot in this last year. We've been trying to keep up with the channel but we have had recurring traumas and stuff like that. And it's important that I think we haven't given up on this because our followers ain't given up on us. It's very much a give and take thing like we've said on Instagram and stuff like that, sorry we're gonna have to miss a video for a week or something like that because we're having a bad time and everyone's always been like, no.
Speaker 1:You take as much time as you need. We're here for you. Know, all that kind of stuff. Like, we don't just see you as someone who pumps out videos. We see you as individuals and we see you as a system just like we see other people, not just as numbers on you know like a subscriber count but as real people somewhere in the world living their own life with their own struggles at different stages of their journey.
Speaker 1:And I think that's something we weren't expecting either is this this give and take that comes from people online and being able to really reach someone's life and have someone reach back and have such a positive impact on us as well.
Speaker 2:How has that been to process as opposed to being more alone before even if you had local friends or some support. And I've seen the video you had a friend from childhood that was in a I saw that. But now to have so many people reaching out to you, what how have you processed that? It's been really hard for us, actually. Very even though I know they mean well, and and we're so appreciative of them, but it's really hard for us to make friends in real life.
Speaker 2:And so to try to be connecting with people and learning what that means because we don't know. We've not had that before, and it's been a real challenge.
Speaker 1:Right. I completely understand that because at first it was like, oh my goodness. All these people, like, want to be our friend and stuff like that. And then the numbers kept growing and growing and growing. And people assume things about us or think that they know more intimate things about us or assume that their assumptions are right and will want to talk to us about things like that.
Speaker 1:And the thing is with Chloe especially because she does run dissociated, she runs all the social media, she gets overwhelmed so quickly. But she's very much like a people pleaser. And right at the beginning she said she was like, 'Right, I'm gonna be one of those people that I'm gonna reply to every single message. I'm gonna read every message. I'm gonna be there for everyone.' And really soon we realized that that just ain't gonna happen.
Speaker 1:It's just too much and people can be quite intrusive and as much as we appreciate the support so much and we would love to get to know everyone, it's just like I don't know if you've experienced this as well but people tend to because they feel they trust you or they relate to you or they feel like they know you better than maybe you think that they know you because of the stuff you put on your podcast. We get people trauma dumping on us and asking for advice and it's like woah, you've got to be careful with what you're sharing because, I mean, we have triggers too. We ain't a perfect system. We don't know everything. We're not healed and we're not even that far along in our healing journey.
Speaker 1:I wouldn't say we're someone to look up to or someone to put on a pedestal, which is someone else who's trying to do something right in the world. But we ain't therapists. We ain't qualified to be giving personal individual advice to people because we might give you the wrong advice and it can get really overwhelming. And as for people in our life, we have three close friends in real life really. One of them was Anna who we did a video with.
Speaker 1:She's now in Egypt. I know right? Ridiculous. But I mean she's having a great time out there. She's working out there, she's doing a great thing.
Speaker 1:But the others that we have made friends with throughout our lives are various places of The UK doing uni stuff or have stayed after uni to work. So we don't actually really have any friends IRL, if you will, in our area. So we do have a lot more time than maybe perhaps you would if you say you're on the go a lot to talk to people, but it does get very overwhelming. You're right, it can feel intrusive and it sometimes feels quite dangerous because you will obviously, if you're messaging us, you probably know a lot more about us than we know about you and that can be quite scary.
Speaker 2:It's hard, it's hard. And sometimes I don't know what is. I'm learning who is safe and who is not safe. And sometimes I don't know what is safe because it is safe or what feels unsafe just because I was unsafe in the past. There's a lot of layers to sort through.
Speaker 1:Yeah, is. There's a lot of stuff that, like, you can pick up from your past and take that through as an unhealthy coping mechanism because you've had to use it to cope with trauma in the past and trying to work through and unravel that in a safe way that's not gonna make you get hurt again or make you unnecessarily vulnerable is really really difficult. So I completely understand that.
Speaker 2:How do you set boundaries with some of that as far as protecting yourself appropriately or knowing which systems are and I don't mean you have to name names. I'm not digging for anything. I just mean what how do you know how can you tell within yourself when, okay, this is a safe person or this is a safe system or this isn't and I need to just back off or step out of that or protect myself in some way. How are you doing that as a system?
Speaker 1:It's tricky and it's taken a long time for us to, as a system, agree on how we want to approach stuff like that. But generally, the only friends we've made are people that we've communicated with a lot in support groups and stuff like that, or people that we know are good based on recommendations. We've been told by other friends who are friends with them that they're good and reliable and safe people. But it's really tricky to decide, especially if you do have a gut feeling. And I don't know about you, but my gut feeling, me as Kyle, not so much us as a system, is usually pretty spot on.
Speaker 1:We have had people who've contacted us and I've just got this feeling and I'm like there's something just not right here or something I'm not comfortable with but I can't put my finger on it. And almost always that feeling turns out to be right. And it's difficult for Chloe specifically and also Sally to accept stuff like that because it's like well you haven't got any evidence, how do you know you feel that way? Know you might just have a weird feeling because it's someone you ain't met before but I don't know maybe it's like some kind of primary protector's sixth sense or something. But I listen to my gut feeling because we've known so many dodgy people in the past I guess there's just something that I can pick up.
Speaker 1:Not always, but I always go with my gut feeling. And I know that's probably not very helpful to you guys at all.
Speaker 2:I think it's important because there's something very valuable about trusting yourself that's an important thing. Do you think are some of the benefits that you've had or positive experiences that you've had? What are safe people that you've been able to connect with?
Speaker 1:Well, like I said, I just mentioned this already, we went to see Multiplicity and Me last weekend. We had like a DID system sleepover and there there was me myself and Alu, Bobo and Co, and Axolotl was in a trench coat who flew over from Australia. And I think that that was one of the most I don't know, I reckon that's gonna have a big impact on us for a really long time because that's the first time we've ever met anyone in person who has DID like we do. And if we hadn't made such strong connections with Bobo and Co specifically Chloe and Bobo were quite close. I don't think that I don't even know whether that would have happened, but it's it oh my god it was the most validating experience to be with someone and not have to be completely on edge.
Speaker 1:I don't know if you get this but when we're with people who don't have DID, we're always somewhat on edge of like am I about to switch? Know, am I feeling switchy? Am I going to get triggered? Am I co con? Is someone around?
Speaker 1:Are we going to be co con? Do I have to explain this? Do I have to be on the lookout for if they find something weird and be ready with an explanation? But it was just kind of so everything was so normal. It was like nothing else I've ever experienced and it was so validating.
Speaker 1:And I think that's the best thing that's come out of making good connections with other people with DID so far. Because learning that we're all valid in our own unique ways and how different all our systems are very nice. It shows there's not one right way to have DID. It's a very, very diverse disorder and we're all in it together.
Speaker 2:I think that's part of what makes you all so special, the way that you continue to advocate for that. Because one thing I see happen a lot is not just systems judging each other or drama online, but people comparing from different points on the journey. And when you have children who go through different experiences, when we have now grown ups who or, you know, we are trying to be grown ups sometimes. When when we have people who are trying to function and trying to do well, but are in different places of healing, those are not things that we can compare. You can't put that in a box.
Speaker 1:No, definitely. And based on what you've learned, not just through when you developed DID but through the rest of your life, you're going to learn massively different coping skills, coping mechanisms, ways to bond with people and ways to understand yourself. Like we get a lot of comments from people saying oh my so and so, like maybe my girlfriend has DID and I'm not sure if I believe her because her DID doesn't look like yours or it doesn't look like anyone else I've seen on the internet. And it's like no one's DID is going to look exactly the same. There is no right way to have this disorder.
Speaker 1:There is no set of symptoms that everyone's going to match exactly. And it's never going to be just that. Everyone's life experiences is different and like you said everyone's going to be in a different place of healing and even through their healing journey they might be in different physical places of healing, they might be struggling with other illnesses that they haven't come to terms with yet or are struggling to heal from. Everyone looks different that doesn't make you any more or less valid than the next person. I don't think it's right for people to try and judge or try and pick apart someone else's life story.
Speaker 1:I mean a lot of people ask as well well how do we tell if someone's faking?' And I'm like well does it really matter that much?' I mean obviously yeah it's not very nice if people are faking but at the end of the day why aren't you focusing on your own healing journey instead? Just let them do their thing, if they're faking whatever then karma will get them, I'm sure. But it's more important to learn to accept the vast differences that we have between us and cultivate a more loving and understanding environment because everyone's different.
Speaker 2:What have you learned that you didn't know a year ago when you all started the channel?
Speaker 1:A lot of things. A lot of things. We didn't know, I don't know whether this is a good idea to bring it up or not, we didn't know there was so much drama in this community at all. And we're still quite new to it really, but there are so many people who are at each other's throats for so many different things. It can be quite scary sometimes as well-being sort of a I don't know, some people have said we're sort of like a figurehead for the community in some way which is a bit scary.
Speaker 1:And then everyone looks to us for like well what's your opinion on it?' and it's like, oh, I don't know. I don't know what's going on because this is all new to us.' yeah, we didn't realize that there were so many big no go topics and things like that. And we want to slowly understand that a bit more and maybe talk about it in a more accepting way so that it's easier to understand for other people like us who may have just come in out of nowhere and been like woah what's all this about? So yeah we weren't familiar with that kind of stuff.
Speaker 2:It's a hard piece, I agree. It's a hard piece. And when you put your voice out there like you with your channel, then people expect you to respond to everything. And Yeah. I had nothing to do with what you're talking about.
Speaker 1:I know. Don't know
Speaker 2:what you're it has nothing to do with me. That's my response.
Speaker 1:Literally. There was one thing where we'd obviously gone to bed early or something like that and a load of other big YouTubers had got involved in something. We came back to it and we'd been tagged in all this stuff, but we hadn't seen any of it because we've been blocked. We hadn't even seen any of this stuff or replied to it. I was like, Oh, right.
Speaker 1:Never mind. I guess I don't have to worry about that because it's been solved. Does that make you nervous as well? People wanting you to have the final say on stuff or wanting your input on something that you might not feel ready to talk about yet?
Speaker 2:It does. And my concern with it is that it's not about taking sides. It's about being here and being ourselves and supporting each other. If we don't demonstrate that, if we don't work together to heal ourselves, like, there's already no one left to take care of us. And I don't mean that we're children, but I mean that this is the one thing we have in common, and there's no reason for us to become the abusers or become the bullies or to become the haters.
Speaker 2:Like, we are the people that are supposed to be safe, even if that's just with ourselves, much less with each other, and that we need a community. And one thing that I'm trying to do, I have a lot of clinical interviews on my podcast. So I've had, like, Colin Ross and Warwick Middleton and Susan P. Spannett and all these different people, guest on the podcast, and I've interviewed them about clinical things or about DID or different things. And one thing I'm talking to them and trying to start a conversation with ISSTD is about this wound, this gaping awfulness that is sometimes between survivors and clinicians.
Speaker 2:And there's all kinds of reasons for that. And we talk about that on the podcast. But we can't reach out to them and have a voice and advocate for some of those changes that we kind of all agree that we need, even if we all have different opinions on what that looks like. But we can't do that intelligently or well if we're squabbling amongst ourselves.
Speaker 1:Very true.
Speaker 2:Heal, like, internally if we're acting externally.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's right. I think you're a very inspiring person. I don't know whether you know that, but I think you are. You're doing something really important that I haven't seen anyone else try and do yet. And there is a big, big divide between clinicians and people in the industry who are meant to be trying to help us and the people who do experience the disorder.
Speaker 1:And you're right, if we're all fragmented between ourselves and fighting at each other's throats, how are we supposed to come together to create a positive change between us and another group of people, another community. We need to stand together as much as possible and looking for little things to nitpick about each other or to try and drive us apart further ain't gonna be helpful for us in the long run, it's not gonna be productive. And yeah, thank you for doing what you're doing because honestly I don't think many people would be brave enough to do it and I think it's really important.
Speaker 2:Well and all have this trauma even if you're a system who says this is not because of trauma, you still had things that you went through, you know? And so everyone life is just hard. It just is hard. Not even counting the stuff in our backgrounds and our past or our histories or that caused DID or didn't cause DID. Like, life is just hard enough already.
Speaker 2:And if we don't care for each other well and don't model that, even if we're modeling it for ourselves or for others inside, like, it's such an opportunity to grow and to heal. And I just I don't want to become where we came from. Like I worked hard to get out of that. Also, I didn't like high school the first time.
Speaker 1:I don't really want to be back in high school. Oh my god, that is so accurate. I ain't going back there, you can't make me go back there. No, my God. It is hard though, isn't it?
Speaker 1:Working on healing like that, those things aren't easy to process. It's hard to constantly check yourself and think, wait a minute, am I being troublesome here? Am I the one who's being a bit toxic? And you do have to take a step back occasionally and check yourself and think, No, hold on a minute, am I being the best person I can be in this situation? Because it's not always fair to just expect other people to be aware of whether they're doing the right thing or whether they're doing right by you.
Speaker 1:You need to make sure you're doing right by you and other people as well, and sometimes that's hard.
Speaker 2:Right, it is, it can be. And sometimes part of what's hard is letting go of what's other people's stuff and just letting myself trust that that's their stuff and it's where they are and that's okay, but it's not necessarily my problem. I don't mean that in a harsh way. I mean that in a just letting the universe like that part is your journey and it's okay that it's not mine. I'm not going to be mean to you just because you're having a bad day.
Speaker 1:No, definitely. It's important. One of the things we've learned as well, not just us but also witnessing other people on their DID journeys like our partner system and stuff like that, is learning what is your responsibility and what ain't. Like you just said, it's not your fault how someone else reacts, the only thing that you can control is what you're putting out into the world, how you react, how you formulate your decisions about stuff and the opinions that come from you and your emotional responses, that's your responsibility. How someone else reacts to that or what someone else takes from that, that ain't your responsibility.
Speaker 1:And if somebody's going through a hard time, yeah of course you can support them if you feel like you can. But at the end of the day, most of us I'm assuming are adults and we've got to learn to prioritize our own health and safety and trust that other people can do that as well. Learning to trust that someone else is wanting to and I don't know inspired enough to want to take care of themselves is an important step. But I know not everyone's at that point where they do want to help themselves, but learning that it's not your responsibility to try and fix someone was a big turning point in our journey specifically, learning that it's not our responsibility, it's not our right to try and pull everyone else out of a hole if it's gonna push us further down at ourselves, you know what I mean?
Speaker 2:What's that been like for you all to have a partner system since you brought it up?
Speaker 1:I just felt Chloe go ah! Oh, it's been lovely to be honest. I mean, I ain't in a relationship within this partner system, but Chloe and Nadia and to some extent Nina are all in individual relationships with this other partner system that we've got. I'm just mates with everyone to be honest. It's well nice having a relationship with someone in a group of people who check themselves and are constantly trying to be the best people they can be.
Speaker 1:We see every day them working on their healing and then practicing the things that they've learned to make sure that they're being as healthy as they can be or working towards their main goal of healing and where they want to be in their life no matter what happens. They're working on it and that's so inspiring and they encourage us to do the same thing. And it's like we ain't ever experienced something like that before, we ain't really experienced being on equal ground with someone who just gets it, you know what I mean? Like someone who just gets it like oh you're feeling a bit of a blob today, you're feeling a bit switchy, you've had a bad night, Cool. We got it.
Speaker 1:We know what we can do to try and help. And even though it's long distance, there's a seven hour time difference between us. We're very devoted to each other as systems, as mates, as sort of, I don't know, we've got some family bonds going on in there, and as partners who are in committed relationship. It's nice to have someone on your side.
Speaker 2:That's what I was wondering about after being so alone in some ways for a long time to now have that level of support. What's that like?
Speaker 1:It's bizarre. It's so weird. Like, we keep getting reminded of them saying if we've done something and we haven't reached out for help, then being like oh no, you should have rung us or you could have told us or we want to be there, we want to help you, we want to shoulder some of your stuff. Like they said, yeah your issues aren't our responsibility but we want to help you. We want to listen to the stuff that ain't so great, even the trauma stuff.
Speaker 1:We want to be there. And for us that was like why? Really? Like it feels dangerous sometimes to trust someone with something so personal, something that's so scary to yourself and give that to someone else and trust them with it. And also learning the balance between am I going to upset them, am I going to trigger them by sharing this, or will it make them feel better to know that we trust them enough to want them to support us.
Speaker 1:And it's this fine line of learning, both of us are learning, all of us are learning where we stand with each other, what we want from each other, and what we can do better as a mini community and a partnership that we wouldn't be able to do on our own. And that's been pretty overwhelming actually, but in a
Speaker 2:good way. It has been difficult for me to learn to be cared for and to know that caring for someone else is a hard is is okay. That's Yeah. A hard lesson when you've gone through the kinds of things that we have.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I get that. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to be loved safely and you deserve to be listened to and respected in a way that's not just gonna be on your shoulders. And I understand that that's something really difficult to come to terms with, especially when you get that kind of gut feeling of like, run or this ain't right or I don't know. And you do deserve that, and I understand that that's hard.
Speaker 1:And a lot of people may not be ready for that kind of thing, but when you do find someone who's willing to and safe enough to help you, if you want that, it's really nice. But might not be for everybody, but no, everybody is deserving of love I think in a safe way.
Speaker 2:That's pretty sappy for somebody so tough.
Speaker 1:I'm tough but I'm like soft at heart, I think. How are you gonna
Speaker 2:celebrate a year of your channel besides being on my podcast?
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, no, this is the biggest thing we're doing. Been at goal for a long time. I don't know, we're just moving into our house, our first safe home. So I think we're gonna spend a day here and just, I don't know, make it a safe place. And that's something that we wouldn't have been able to do without dissociated evo.
Speaker 1:It's thanks to the support from people that we've been able to get to a safe environment. Yeah, we're nearly there, so that's worth celebrating too. That's a big deal. It is a big deal. It's a damn big deal.
Speaker 1:Well, sorry, don't know whether I'm allowed to say that.
Speaker 2:What else do you want to share about your own journey or your journey as a system from the last From
Speaker 1:the last year. I think it's worth mentioning that if you feel like you're doing something that's right for you, even if other people make you feel like or tell you outright that you shouldn't be doing it or it's dangerous or it's the wrong thing to do or they've lost respect or something like that because of what you're doing. If you feel like this is the right thing to do for you and it makes you feel comfortable and fulfilled then you should keep doing that. And yeah by all means take on board if someone's saying I'm worried about you, listen to that. But at the end of the day you don't owe anyone else your life.
Speaker 1:Your life is yours to do with what you want to. Even if people have made you feel like the only thing that you're living for is to help other people or to serve other people or to be something for someone else. You are yours. And what you decide to do with your life is your business. And whether you're in a place for that to actually happen or not or not yet, I hope that everyone can can aim for that goal where what they want to do with their life is going to be their choice and that they can decide to do what they want to do with it in a safe environment because I don't think that we ever really considered that we could do something for us that wasn't for other people.
Speaker 1:And we did. And well it wasn't for us at the beginning but we continued it even when people said you shouldn't be doing this, know like people, you know bad people will find out about it, you'll get in trouble, know you're you don't have the right to say the things you're saying, and you're not a figurehead, blah blah blah blah, you can't speak for everyone. And we were like, yeah, okay, well thank you for your opinion, but this feels like the right thing to do, so, you know, do one. But yeah, no, I think that's important.
Speaker 2:Did you realize, did you all know when you were starting out that you were empowering yourself the way you have?
Speaker 1:God no, we didn't realize till we were like seven months in and we were like hold the phone. We weren't doing this well seven months ago. The more we've learnt about DID and put forward a positive energy into the world, Chloe's always saying like you can do this and you know we believe in you and even if you aren't in a good place you can do this. And that like almost reflects back on us in our system because even though none of us realised it, were like oh hold on a minute, we're a DID system too, maybe we can do this, you know, we deserve this blah blah blah. And it strengthened our community within ourselves because we know that we need to pull together and be a good system, because we want that for everyone else as well.
Speaker 1:And it's just like, I don't know, it's not something that we thought was going to happen and not something that we realized was happening for a really long time, but it has really bolstered our relationships with each other, even though it's rocky a lot of the time. And we get new people popping up left, right and center, and we're like, Oh, where did you come from? And they're like, Oh, we've been here for the last decade, you just didn't know about us. It's like, Oh, right, okay, well let's start this all over again. But no, it's been good for us as much as it's been good for other people, and I'm so glad that it has been good for other people and for us as well, because yeah, none of us were expecting it to be anything that would help us.
Speaker 1:So it's nice. Nice bonus.
Speaker 2:That's amazing. Do you all do any of you rewatch some of the videos to learn about each other besides editing or you just edit them and let them go?
Speaker 1:Chloe's always the one who edits. She finds it really uncomfortable to watch her videos back, but I love it. I think it's so weird, like weird in a good way, it's interesting to see everyone's mannerisms and especially in comments and stuff like that. People pick up on stuff that I haven't even considered like someone was like, apparently I'm not sure whether this is right or whether they were looking too hard, but apparently like when we switch our pupils dilate and come back down again shrink. And people say like, speak when I speak I reveal more of my lower teeth with my lip when I'm out and fronting, whereas Nadia very much speaks from the front of her mouth and as the corner of her mouth is wider or something like that, then Sally always uses her hands and she'll be constantly either touching her hands or touching her collarbone, whereas I'm usually got my head on the side or I'm speaking out the bottom of my mouth and stuff like that.
Speaker 1:It's bizarre how many differences there are that you just don't realise. And they're tiny minute stuff. I wouldn't say that we're an overt system, I don't think we're a subtle one either. But yeah, all this stuff that I hadn't realised or you wouldn't know because we usually have a lot of amnesia when we switch. Don't know what it's like to watch someone else front unless we videoed it.
Speaker 1:And it's like oh wow, seeing the body that you're used to using being used in such a different way is like really interesting. So, yeah, it's nice that other people pick up on that as well. It's it's interesting to look back on.
Speaker 2:We've listened to or I've listened to some of the different podcasts and thought I had no idea of that perspective until I heard and it really helped make a lot of sense of things that had been difficult before or now they're difficult in a new way that I didn't even realize and it was easier when I didn't know.
Speaker 1:Oh my god. Yeah. That's relatable. Yeah learning to understand parts of your system based on how they think, like a lot of things that say for example Nadia might film, she wouldn't ever dream of telling us personally, but now we know because she's filmed it and it's like oh wait a minute, well it makes sense why she feels this way now or you know why she does those things sometimes or blah blah blah. And it does kind of change the way you respond to your own system.
Speaker 1:I don't know whether that's the case for you or whether it's just changed your opinions on yourself.
Speaker 2:Definitely helped us interact more and differently both.
Speaker 1:That's good. I think that's good. Definitely. Because it's hard to get to know everyone and it's like how many people have you got in your system if you don't mind me asking?
Speaker 2:I'm still learning.
Speaker 1:That's fair. That's fair. It's like the more we found, the more overwhelmed Chloe was getting because she was trying to find out everything at once. She was like wanting to write lists of like, right, okay, for example, me, Kyle, you know, I speak with an Essex accent. I've got blue eyes.
Speaker 1:I've got black hair. These are my religious opinions. These are my sexual views, this is my gender, do I suffer with gender dysphoria? Yeah. And she wanted to write down the list almost like we were characters or something like that, so she felt like she knew us and it was very overwhelming for her.
Speaker 1:But I think seeing us interact naturally in front of a camera, those of us who can feel comfortable in front of a camera, has helped her feel more at ease with the fact that we aren't just her brain making up some crazy character profile, that we were actually people in our own right and with our own feelings and things about us can change. Our opinions can change just like anyone else's. And I think that that's something that people who watch our channel who don't have DID have learned as well. So people were like, Oh, you know, in this video Kyle said he was 18, now he's 19, what's that all about? And it's like, Well, aged.
Speaker 1:And they're like, What? I don't think alters can age?' And I'm yeah, alters are able to change. Not all alters age but we can be fluid just like anyone else can be in terms of opinions and you know food tastes can change and stuff like that. Inner world appearances can change and yeah, I think that that's helpful not just for our host Chloe, but for people who don't have DID or maybe people who do have DID to see it happen.
Speaker 2:Wow. Well thank you for talking
Speaker 1:to me today. Thank you for having me, it's been a pleasure. Oh bless you, thank you so much.
Speaker 2:Thank you for listening. Your support of the podcast, the workbooks, and the community means so much to us as we try to create something together that's never been done before. Not like this. Connection brings healing, and you can join us on the community at www.systemspeakcommunity.com. We'll see you there.