EPISODE 4 - DUDLEY & MARK " The Angel of God said to me in the dream......."

Show Notes

In this episode Mark chats with Dudley about PTSD, Trauma and Acute Anxiety. They discuss how God found Dudley again in his darkest hour through a set of dreams and angelic visitations and how Jesus is helping him to slowly walk a new life of transformation, healing and purpose. Father God has been quite gentle with Dudley as he very slowly starts to recover from his battle with mental health. We hope you enjoy this episode of the Loom Rooms.

What is The Loom Rooms Podcast Show?

Matt, Mark & Beth chat to guests about how encountering the love of Jesus has radically changed their lives. They discuss the idea that no matter how dark and self destructive our lives can become, there is a road to redemption. We talk to people who, often at their lowest point, have encounters with a living, loving God. These are stories of miraculous restoration of normal people back onto the path of where God always intended them to be. Welcome to the Loom Rooms Podcast!

Hello and welcome to this episode of The Loom Rooms. My name's Mark, and I'm here today with another guest. We're with a guy from our church and he's been part of the Loom Community Group for the last six months. Welcome, Dudley. How are you today? Hi. I'm doing great. Yeah, so we just, we wanted to have a chat with you today and just as we get onto another episode, The Loo Rooms podcast.

You've got an amazing story and we just thought it would be great for you to share your testimony a little bit and share what you've been up to, where you've come from, what God is doing in your life, and the amazing things he's done in your life. So just tell us a little bit about where you're from, how you came to Bishop Stortford, and uh, we'll go from there.

Yeah, sure. Um, well I grew up in a small town called where. In Hartfordshire, no whip. Left school at 16. Okay. Uh, sort of bounced around a couple jobs. Found a job to take me over Chelmsford way, so I wanted to get out of the area. So I moved over Chelmsford, I was there for a while. Unfortunately, we had that big old recession.

Yep. Lost everything to my ables in debt. So this is 2008. A bit later. I was holding on for a while. Right. Desperately. Which only made the debt higher, uh, ended up moving back way away desperately trying to pay off all the debt that had built up. Yeah, taking any job I could really at that point, right? It wasn't exactly a lot available.

Ended up going sort of well in way trying to get into college. Um, and it was then around sort of 25, I had a, a full nervous breakdown. I got my PTSD diagnosis and we'll come to that and unfortunately it's been sort of a bit of a struggle since then, especially with getting. Disability and getting it, losing it, regaining it.

So how old do you know? 33. 33. So this started eight years ago. Mm. . . So where are we now? So that was what, 2015, 16 is it? 2015. Yeah. And you had a full nervous breakdown. Mm-hmm. because of? Because of the stresses of, of life and making ends meet basically. And money, financial problems. That didn't help. Right.

And definitely exacerbated it. Okay. But it was all chartered for all my base. Right, okay. Stuff from my childhood. Sure. Sorry to hear this. You had a nervous breakdown, but you had this nervous break. And then you said you discovered you had ptsd. Did you discover it then or was it something that you, you knew you had before or tell us a little bit about that.

Well, it didn't sort of come on straight away. At the time I was in college, started randomly having. Spikes her anxiety, a random panic attack out of nowhere. And so I ended up seeing the therapist on staff at the college and while talking to her, she was like, okay. Like, cuz it was around my parents' divorce, they just started a very ugly divorce.

Right, okay. And so she was like, well maybe it's stuff your childhood, tell me about it. Yeah. And so I said, I don't know. I said, well, well, was it good, bad? I, I don't know. I have no memories before. Wow. And all the stuff after that is mostly just being at school. I didn't really have any home life memories.

It was all blacked out and she's like, that's not a good sign. Yeah, no, that's not a good sign. No. Yeah. And so there were warning signs there and eventually it all sort of spilled over and. A lot of that repressed stuff came back up. The thing about repressed things is it doesn't get less painful with anything.

It festers and gets worse. So when you say repressed, this is pre 12 year old memories or so? Memories come up after, so you started having some sort of therapy that it's. Revealed stuff from your childhood? Is that what you're saying? I think it was more the start of the parent's divorce. Right. Because they were more interested in attacking each other, which obviously involved bringing things up.

And I was the accident child that ruined their lives. Right. Which is something I had been hearing since I was quite little. Let's go back to the ptsd. I mean, my. Limited knowledge of ptsd. I mean, we've discussed this before. I, I always thought that PTSD was something that soldiers got. It was a, a war time or post-war condition that people had, that had happened to people because of trauma.

And it was just something that veterans got from war and it's clearly not. Can you tell us a little bit more about, one, what PTSD is and two, how it manifests itself because people are starting to talk about it a bit more. So just, just delve into that a little bit, if you don't mind. Duly. Yeah, sure. I mean, uh, for people that don't know ptsd, post Traumatic Stress Disorder and it's kind of has, the title says you go through trauma, you struggl to process it after the fact, and there could be many types of.

Obviously going to war, you see a lot of traumatic things. Unfortunately, trauma exists outside of war as well. It can exist inside abusive homes and right. All sorts of places. So clinically, do you know much about what it is clinically ptsd or what it actually does to your, your mind, to your brain? Yeah.

Yeah. I, from what I understand, it's to do with neurons, misfiring, and things, and Right. You sort of build up defense mechanisms in your brain, becomes overreliant on them. And, and how, so how did that manifest in itself in your life? How did, how did that affect your life on a day to day basis? Oh, it completely ruined my life.

Right? Entirely. Absolutely, entirely. My symptoms were extreme. Okay. To put it. Likely I only had anxiety and depression, but I. Crippling panic attacks. A lot of people, you know, they hear anxiety, they hear panic attack. They think it's the same. They're very different beasts. Anxiety is sort of worry. Yeah.

Whereas a panic attack feels more like you are dying in that moment. Yeah. It is extreme for my panic attacks. It's not that extreme distress. Unable, stop crying, shaking to the point that I physically can't stand. Hyperventilating, vomiting. I've even passed out in the past from the amount of hyperventilating, and so it's really extreme distress, right?

I have some experience myself with anxiety. When I was 22 years old in the middle of university, I suddenly started getting extreme. Anxiety attacks from nowhere. I think it was drug induced, if I'm perfectly honest with you. I, I was taking a lot of recreational drugs at the time. I was taking a lot of speed, a lot of really dodgy marijuana, and one day I just started getting really, really anxious and for me, I thought I was gonna, and also as well, another thing that I experienced, which I thought was really, really bad was that I thought was going mad.

Is that a common thing that you think you're going insane when you have an anxiety attack? That's not a symptom I've personal experienced. Right. But not everyone experiences it the same way. Sure, sure. People's brains are wired differently. Yeah. Especially if it's trauma based, depending on how that trauma's been inflicted, what the trauma is right.

Can change how it's going to come back up and the symptoms you're going to feel. I, I mean, again, it's, it's over 30 years ago, but I, I recall having, Dozens of attacks every day. It just was relentless. I'd have an, I'd have an attack, then it'd subside a bit, but then it would leave me with a residue of worry that was gonna happen again, and then it'd happen again.

It was like a vicious, A vicious cycle. Yeah. Just this, this wave after wave after wave after wave. anxiety, like I said, for me it was, I thought I was gonna go mad at times. I thought I was gonna die, but it was more my sanity. But obviously that was neurosis rather than psychosis. But, but what it, I felt drained because it would just, it was relentless into the early hours in the morning and maybe I'd get a couple of hours sleep and I'd wake up full bowling thinking this is gonna happen again.

And this went on for a year and a half for me. I mean, how. , did you suffer with this? Oh, I'm still suffering with it today. I still have the panic attacks and things. Okay. The biggest symptom I have is something called hypervigilance. What's that exactly? Which is sort of a, like a cross between paranoia and anxiety.

So it's a con. You never, ever think that you'd suffer from that? Constantly being, not necessarily afraid, but sort of worried. Yeah. So for example, when I see I have to have the door completely. because that idea of having it open terrifies me. Wow. And going out in public, you'll see that I look around quite a bit.

Right. Because I'll feel it building and I'll feel it building and it's just, just check over there and just check over there. Yeah. You know, I tend to sit facing a door cause I don't like not facing a doors. I get that building up. Building up, and I'll have to turn and check and make sure, yep. The door's clear.

I'm fine. I'm safe. So is that like sort of an OCD sort of thing? Is it that you've, you've, it's not, it's not an OCD thing? No. It's to do. , the fact that my trauma wasn't a single incident. Right? It was hundreds of some big, some litter instance. Yeah. You know, I never felt safe in the house growing up because I wasn't safe.

Right. So that one, that thing itself, that keeping the door shut is one manifestation of that. Yeah. Would that be right? And yeah, it was a survival mechanism. It was something I had to develop to survive. But one of the other things that a lot of people tell me, May or may have noticed, yeah. Is that I tend to be not just quiet, but I can be in a group and then you turn around and I've disappeared and then you turn back around, I'm on your other side.

People think that I'm like a little cat or something, just in and out disappearing because I had to learn how to be quiet and disappear very quickly for my own safety. Yeah. That's why I wear my shoes out so quickly. Cause I walk entirely on the balls of my feet. Cause that keeps you nice and quiet. That is fascinating.

And it's not things I'm intentionally doing. It was things that I developed to survive that I struggled to break. So, well, let's go back to 2015, 16. When you first started experiencing ptsd, you said that you, you literally ceased to function practically. Is that, would that be right? A hundred percent, yeah.

I was completely non-functional. Not only the nightmares, panic attacks, anxiety during the day, depression, I just also couldn't do anything. I remember at one point I tried to cook myself a pizza. Yeah. And somehow messed up so much. Didn't even put a, put it on the baking tray. So I opened the oven door.

Yeah. And it all just melted through the grill and onto the floor. Off the oven. And then I just literally felt to many of these broke down crying cuz I, I was struggling to even feed myself. My head was such a mess, I just couldn't function. So from a cognitive point of view, processing simple tasks, you just, you struggled with that?

Yeah. And were you living on your own at that time or, no, I wasn't. I was living with people at the time. Right, okay. So this went on for a couple of years. Yeah. And then, you know, You ended up in the, the Y M C A in Bishop Starford. Would that be right? Yes, yes, yes, yes. Right. Okay. So how did you come to live in the Y M C A?

Uh, well, with all the, uh, benefit situation, losing various benefits and things, couldn't support myself. Right. So I was looking at going to social housing. Yeah. And that was all a great faf. Yeah. Because initially they had me, , all sorts of referrals and things, including the Y M C A. Yeah. Initially I was told to apply to the Bishop Norford one who initially told me, no, he's too old, cuz the age, it was 25 at the time I was 26.

Oh, right, okay. Yeah. They referred me to the Well Garden City where I'd also previously lived. Right. And they said, no, this is for wedding and hats. He's his tars. We can't have him. Ah. So I was You fell through the gap sort of. Yeah. I initially fell completely through the. And it got sort of the day of eviction.

I had nowhere to go. I had two black bags full of clothes and a food on, and then I got a call on my phone and it was Darren from Bishop Stuart for Y M C A. Right. Oh, we've just up to age to 30. Wow. You've already got a completed form, so you're ahead of the queue. Do you want a place to live? Wow. The real 11th hour stuff just outta nowhere.

So do you think that, do you think that was God having his hand on you? Looking back, do you think that was a God moment? Actually, I certainly think it was cause it happened again. That's how I got my current flat. Wow. We'll move on to that in, in a bit, but, so you're in the Y M C A, how long were you in the Y M C A for?

I got there end of 2018. Right and left. What, spring? 2021. So you went through C Yep. And did all of the first Covid lockdown. Yep. In the shelter. All of the second one. And then I moved during that third lockdown, not a lockdown, whatever. That was supposed to be. How was that? Just what was it like living in the Y M C A during Covid?

Obviously you're with other people. I mean, how many people are in that Y M C A? How many rooms? Sorry. It's one of those things that it's very strange. It's a very busy place, lots of people in and out. But when first lockdown was announced, a surprising amount of people all suddenly found places to go and live.

So it was half. Oh wow. That's surprising. You'd think it would be busier, but it wasn't. It was quieter. Yes. So did Covid 19, did that make you more anxious? Did it complete opposite. Oh wow. I was one of the few people that kind of had a good time. Whoa. Everything was paused. I was still currently fighting for my benefits.

Of course. Yeah. But that was all shut off. I, for housing. That was all shut off. All of the big stresses in my life disappeared overnight, and so for the first time in years, I was able to just get up, have a coffee. Well, we were allowed to go for a walk. One walk a day. Yep. I'll go for a walk around the park.

I'll make myself some. It was the first time in years I'd felt air quote normal because all of this hoops I had been jumping through had all been put on poles. I sort of get that. I sort of understand how with life grind into a hole almost, or slowing right down to a pace where. , you know, because a lot of people obviously had furlough, bills didn't have to be paid.

Mm-hmm. wages was paid without going to work. But a lot of people, they were able to, you know, life did slow down. So that made life more manageable for you. Yeah. I mean, I was already at rock bottom. I was sure homeless with PTSD and no benefit. So no worry of, oh, what happened? I'm already in the worst case scenario.

Right. So just having all those stresses, pause. Yeah, it was actually quite nice for me and I feel bad saying that cuz so many people's lives got ruined. Yeah. By Covid and I just feel really guilty going. I had a good time. You're in the Y M C A. How did you find out about Bishop Sort for community church and subsequently, you know, you, you've been coming along to Loom Community Group for six months.

How did you come across our church? Well, the Y M C A is a Christian organization. Yeah. Young man's Christian association. And so naturally they have a chaplain. Right. Um, the chaplain they had before the current one Yeah. Was an old Catholic priest who used to teach seminary. Right. And I've been studying, well, all religions, especially Christianity for many years.

Right. And so I used to meet him once a week on a Monday. Oh right. Okay. And we would debate, theology, did. Sort of reconnect you with God? No, at that point I've, we sort of jumped quite a bit ahead in the story there. Okay. Okay. Let's go back. Cause I'd always felt some connection to God. Right. To me, it was always obvious, even as a child, sky, blue, grass, green, God real.

Oh wow. Okay. I'd always, that's excellent. At the time I was fine with that. Looking back at it, it was a very passive connection. Right. And with you, you know, I didn. Jesus as a focus. Yeah. He was there. Yeah. But in the same way we might think of as Ezekiel or Isaiah, they're just a part of the whole thing.

Right. There was no real focus on it. Okay. I had accepted it and I got on with life, and then as things went on, obviously I had my breakdown. Yeah. And I went through what I would describe as Dark Night of the Soul. Right. Okay. I know about that. Yeah. Famous Spanish poem where you feel this completely disconnected.

Yeah. And I did. I felt that sort of. Passive connection. I'd always felt with God was gone, that I felt like I'd been rejected by God or kicked out or something. Eventually so realized that it wasn't that God had pushed me away, it was as my, the darkness in my life had come in. I had fallen into it, and I had stepped deeper into the darkness.

So how did you reconnect with God? Or how, or sorry, how did God reconnect with you? He sent the angel. Um, St. Michael, this is interesting. Um, came to me once in a dream with a message. Wow. I didn't know any of this is fascinating. Second time in a dream came with a more direct message, which was come home.

Wow. And I instantly knew exactly what that meant because I had lost that connect. That is amazing. It's Myer where this pendant for St. Michael. He's the one that really came. And so you had a, so let's just recap then. So you had a dream and Michael came to you in a dream. Yes. This is brilliant. And what did he say in the dream?

The first dream was quite private and Okay. Covered a lot of stuff. No problem. We don't have to go into that, but, um, it was very biblical in a sense, right? A lot of allegory. A bit like when you. profits. Yeah. Yeah. I feel bad comparing myself to them, but it was all very sort of Wow. Bizarre. And then be like, but I relate to that.

I understand that. Yeah. And, and it was that second one where he came to me with a message of come home. That that's what I completely understood it, and that's what really helped me get through that dark night of the soul. That was that. . God hadn't pushed me away. Yeah. I had become so lost in the darkness.

I had subconsciously pushed God away. I was the problem. I was severing the connection, not him. God was reaching out and I needed to find a way to reach back to him. There is a viewpoint that a lot of Christians have that God is constantly in encounter with us in connection with. I completely agree as I mentioned that that sort passive connection.

Yeah. I feel that that is definitely there. You know that our souls have almost like a spiritual umbilical to God and even if we are not in an active communication. Yes. I firmly believe that God is always want and encounter with us and is always available for encounter is just how we often are blockers to that connection, I believe.

Found that connection again. Yeah. It, it wasn't instantaneous, but the fact that through a dream he's reached out to you through a, through one of his arch angels is quite profound, to be honest with you. Deadly. That is it, it was a very profound experience to go through. It really was. But that, you know, that just sort of ties in with the, the whole series really, that God.

Actually comes looking for us in our darkest time. We've, we've heard this story before in my own story with Michael Hall's story that, you know, where we consider ourself lost. He will come and find us. And again, we, we harp back to the story in the New Testament of the parable of, uh, the shepherd leaving the 99 sheep and going after the one.

This sounds very much, again, sounds a very, very. Story. Where you at your darkest time in the Y M C A? Was that Oh, pre Y M C A. Pre Y M C A pre ymc. Okay. This was when I was in my breakdown and I'd had suicide attempts. Wow. It was, I'd given up on everything, even the possibility that there could be a future.

The idea of hope was laughable at that point. This is just an amazing story. Obviously I had no idea that you'd gone through this, but this is brilliant. Um, so you had these two dreams and then did that help you? Did it ease the ptsd? It was after that, that second one? Yeah, that I then stopped the suicide attempts.

Right. That was the reason that I stopped try things. Hadn't got better in life. But it stopped. You wanted to end your own life. Yes. I, I'd literally had a meeting with an angel saying, come home. Yeah. You know, there was very much a sense of, we've got you. Yeah. And sort of looking back on my life, I have had all sorts of ups and downs and close encounters.

At that point, I'd had a few near death experiences and survived a few suicide attempts. It was clear someone was looking out for me. I very much wouldn't be here otherwise. Yeah. So you moving back forward again to the Y M C A, um, I believe you met John B there. Is that, would that be right? Yes. Yes. So I was meeting with the old chaplain to discuss and debate.

Debate theology. Yeah. Cause that's something I've always. not only been interesting, but also firmly believed in Yeah. That if you have a foundational belief, it should be strong enough to be questioned and challenged. Yeah. And that the more you question and challenge it, the stronger it grows. Yeah. Cause I have met a lot of people who will.

shy away from it as if their belief is some very fragile thing. Needing to be protected. Yeah. And then the first time a real question gets through, they lose everything. So for me personally, I find intentionally challenging force you to learn and grow. And that learning and growing personally also deepens that spiritual connection to God.

That makes a lot of sense. Yeah, definitely. I've known you six months now, and when you first came to. Church and the community group. You were, you were quite a reserved person. Very, very quiet. Quite a, you know, we, we've talked about this before that you, you were sort of a one word sort of answer of questions and I've seen.

miraculous change in you confidence wise? I think you've always been articulate, but obviously not voiced it so much. When you first come to to spend time and come to our church. Would you say that that is God doing a work in you, healing you? No. You said you're not completely healed, but No, I would say God is giving.

The strength and the confidence to try and fail, right? He hasn't removed the trauma or anything. Okay? But I've got that confidence that I can go, I can do something, and if I completely fall apart, he's there. He's got me. Right. Example for that would be. back in June when we had Love Stortford Church. Yeah, tell me more about that.

Br Love and I ended up doing quite a few events. Yeah. Which I wasn't expecting to do. I just kind of got swept up in the love and I really enjoyed it. Explain what Love Stortford is for people who wouldn't know. I wouldn't know how to describe it to be honest. So it's so Love Starford is a, for people who don't know love, starford is, A carnival basically that goes on for a week.

Bishop Starford, where the people of, of the church, the body of the church for different churches, they come together and they just love starford. So they go out into the community and just love on people by doing acts of kindness and generous things. You know, they clean up the town, but at the end of.

Week there's a, a street carnival and they have a parade parade. First day this year. Oh, is it first day, right? This year was first day parade and then carry on. Oh, right, okay. I stand corrected. So it was a first day this year and where they have like, uh, street floats and parades and people. You know, just walk through the streets and just leave it on passes by standing there in the, in the crowds.

So what did you do on Love Store for day? Oh, sorry. On the, on the first day of LED Starford, the parade day. Oh, before that I helped build the church floats on the Friday. Okay. And I thought that that was gonna be my contribution. Right. And then just by the way things worked out, I ended up walking the parade, which I never imagined I could do.

Okay. In front of thousand, literally thousands of people handing. sweets and things to the crowd. And then I did the random act of kindness afterwards, which was going out, just gifting random people in the High Street S suites, arts and crafts for the kids flowers. And then on the Tuesday I did the litter picking with the churches to tidy up Starford.

Yep. And then on the Thursday I did the free cafe ending up free tea and coffees to just anyone in the high street. Yep. Which for someone with anxiety, that's a lot of getting out there. And that is, yeah. And at the time I absolutely loved it. I got so carried away with it. And then on the Friday after that, I was wrapped with panic attack after panic attack for days on end.

Really. And it was getting to the point where I thought I was going to spiral back down. Yeah. I was gonna get back to the old ways, but I didn't. Brilliant. You know, God had me, I had faith in. Uh, that's key. Mm. That, that is the key. Cause I feel like for me, he's working rehabilitation. Yeah. You know, let's see how many steps you can do on your own.

And when you do fall, I've got you. I'll beat you back up, and then we'll see how many more steps you can do next time. I feel like he's very much working with me to strengthen and empower me rather than simply making me dependen. On a crutch, if that makes sense. No, that does. I can see that God is, is doing a work in you that, you know, often healing is not instantaneous.

Often it's a journey. It's, it's for myself. You know, I suffer with chronic back problems and I know God is doing a healing in me, but it's, it's not an instantaneous healing for whatever reason, but I know that, that this is a process for me. , would you say that that is the same for you? That this is a process?

It's very much. It is a process. I said he's working with me. You know, go try. Okay. You fell. I will help you. We'll get you back to your feet. Go try little harder this time. You're an avid attendee of the Bishop Store for Community Church, which you could set your watch by you. You, you are very involved in our community now.

You come to the church, actually you have, we Sunday in church and every Tuesday, the alone community group, and now Thursday, you're doing Freedom in Christ, being part of community like. You know, I can see that you've embraced it. What does it give you? What is being part of one, the Loon group and second, a wider bishop sort for community church, um, community?

What, what does that do to help you as you move forward? I find the community's been fantastic because that. The reason I joined when I first met John Bar from, as the chaplain in Y M C A from CCBs cs, do you want to come to the church? Yeah. I said, no, thank you. I've got no interest in organized relationship really?

Right. Okay. Cause I knew John about two years before I ever came to community church. Oh, right. Okay. I didn't know that. He helped me get my flat sorted with the furniture and stuff. He's such a blessing, John. Oh, yes. And even after I left the Y m. He kept in touch with me, do you wanna do coffee? Do you wanna do pizza and a beer?

That is so, it it was, it was very giving without asking. Yeah. And that was very inspiring to me. Cause I, I grew up in a town where there was a lot of people who would say all the right things. Very proud to be Christian. Yeah. And then as soon as it came time for action. Yeah. Mm-hmm. And John. And John very much proves that, yeah.

John is a man who's, who can definitely be known by his fruit. That's the, the work he's he does in our community is very faithful, very loving and committed to reaching the lost and reaching out to people. What a fantastic guy. . He stepped by you for two years and because of, because of his faithfulness to you, you saw something.

Yeah. And I'd obviously heard a lot about the church Yeah. And everything. And initially I didn't actually go for God, I went for that sense of community. Yeah. And that's why I sort of threw myself into it. I didn't want to just turn up and start taking Sure. I wanted to be one of those people, contribut.

Into the community. How has God, how has God met you since you've been part of our community? How has he, you know, how has he met you in, in the small group, in, you know, in, within the bishop store for community that you are now a part of? How has he touched you since you've been coming to our church and our community groups in the last six months?

Has there, has there been any development with your relationship from that? Certainly. It definitely has. It's never been more active. Right. As a connection and feeling loved and secure and safe in God. Oh, that's fascinating. That about really encouraging as well, that you know, you feel safe and you feel supported.

You've met quite a few people, clearly. Mm-hmm. , you know, you guys, I love seeing you guys sitting on the back row together. There's a, like a long line of you that you know, and it's, you know, in church on a Sunday and it's great to see you thriving. Slowly but surely healing and developing and being the person that God always intended you to be.

So what do you think the future holds for you? Where do you think you're, honestly, I haven't got a clue. Right. Okay. And that's okay because I've got a lot of faith in God. Yeah. And I trust. That's amazing. He's put opportunities in my path before. Yeah. Some of them I've seized, some of them. Didn't seize then regrets.

Okay. So I'm keeping open heart, open mind. Amazing. But you've gone in the right direction though. Yeah, I hundred percent believe Alford's home to me. Wow, that's excellent. Growing up, I survived in a house I left where, cause it never felt like home. I enjoyed chums for a, but it never felt like home. Still.

It is home. What would you say to anybody listening. I suffer Is, is or has suffered with or ptsd, uh, with anxiety. What advice and would you give to those people that are feeling lost, lonely, feeling suicidal. Is there anything you'd like to say to, to people who may be listening to this? I think the first thing is acceptance.

Cause when I first had my diagnosis in hospital after my first suicide, I spent sort of almost two hours crying to a therapist going for it all, and they were like, yeah, this is ptsd. And I said, no, can't be. I've never been to war. How could it be? How could I have ptsd? Yeah, it took me a good year or so before I was even willing to accept the possibility that I had ptsd, so that healing didn't even start right away.

I had to first accept. before I was ready to start, the second hardest thing was accepting. It's a marathon, not a sprint. Okay? It's not a case of take this pill, you're done, go to a therapy session, you're done. It is a process of healing and learning and growing. Right, and it can be very, very frustrating.

I say I'm eight years in and I'm only just really getting going. and I would also say don't rule things out. Medication works wonderfully for some people. Terrible for me. Right. Therapy's been great for understanding the mental side of it. Sure. Community in community church has really helped heal me on an emotional level, right?

That therapy didn't touch, but I still needed the things I learned in therapy. , right. I'm with you. So taking a multi-sided approach for the spirit, the therapy for the mind community, for the heart, taking multiple things. That really helps addressing it on multiple levels, because from my experience, PTSD did affect me on multiple levels.

I hadn't known all the panic attacks, all the physical symptoms from it as well, and the dark, the soul, spiritual. Yeah. You know, it affected me on every single. And looking back at it now, as I'm saying, I'm only just realizing eight years in. It seems so obvious. If it's hit you on every level, why weren't you targeting it on every level?

Sure. You know, I was trying just medication. Why didn't that work? I was trying just therapy. Why didn't, of course it didn't work. Yeah. If it's hurt me on every level, I need to address it on every level. And that can be very scary. It can be very hard and very d. So you do have to be quite brave. Yeah. To really peer deep into that darkness.

Yeah. On a daily basis. But the only way to get through it is by going through it. But you don't have to do it all at once. Right. You don't have to sit there and process everything at once. You can do a bit and then go, okay, I ended a few days break from this. Yeah. I need time to just lay on the sofa, see friends.

And then when you've built up that strength, go back to it and attack it over and over and over. Well, deadly gotta thank you from the bottom of my heart here, uh, for sharing your story, sharing your testimony. with us. Thank you for being vulnerable. Thank you for being authentic and giving us a window into your, to your life and to what you've been through.

Father God, we thank you for the work you've been doing in duly as well and what you continue to do in him and his healing process. And we just, Reach out to anybody that's out there listening to this who got any questions or need to speak to anybody about this. You can get in touch with us via our website, which is www.loom.org.uk.

Uh, where we, we are happy to talk to anybody or come along to the community group on a Tuesday night, um, where we meet at the Car Center Church in Bishop Starford if you live locally. Thank you Deadly. Thank you for having me.