Ep. 84 - The DNA of a Man and Why Christians Look to "Secular" Sources for Help

In this episode, Matt takes you behind the curtain of the DNA of a man. He shows men the importance of their discovering their God-given identity, and how crucial it is in rebuilding a marraige. He also guides the discussion toward available marriage help, and the reasons why "secular" sources of wisdom often have more Kingdom-like teachings than even the church does when it comes to marriage.

If you want a fiery marriage, you'll want to listen in.

• Hallock reveals his past struggles, including financial issues and marital disconnection, and the emotional pain that accompanied them. He discusses the journey to understand the disconnect between his faith and personal life, leading to feelings of abandonment.
• Hallock explores the underlying issues of self-worth and identity that many men face, particularly in relation to marriage.
• The book focuses on reclaiming joy, confidence, and identity rather than just addressing marriage issues. Hallock emphasizes the importance of a strong identity for men.
• He critiques the idea that men should disappear to allow Jesus to shine, highlighting the negative effects on marriages. He suggests a healthy application of the Biblical virtue of sacrifice for one's wife. And how sacrifice should and should NOT be done.
• Men often turn to secular teachings for insights on masculinity and marriage that are lacking in church culture. He discusses the need for a primal dynamic in marriages, contrasting it with the sanitized view often presented in church.
• Hallock argues that wives desire confident men who know their own identity, rather than submissive partners. He asserts that scripture provides a more fulfilling picture of marriage than what is often taught in church.
• Hallock encourages men to find their mission in order to live a fulfilling life. He calls on men to reclaim their purpose and take action, believing in their God-given greatness.

If you haven't yet, be sure to grab The DNA of a Man.

Also, if you're interested in working with Matt one-on-one in the Unshakeable Man coaching program...click here to download the PDF writeup about the program and book a free 30 minute REBUILD coaching call with Matt.

Creators & Guests

Host

Matt Hallock

Founder of Man Warrior King and author of The DNA of a Man

What is The Man Warrior King Podcast?

You want to live a life on fire and on mission.

You want to be filled with such conviction and drive that you stop caring about what ANYone thinks.

You want to face each day alive, authentic, and fully present in every moment: with your wife, kids, on the street, at the gym, at work.

You want to bring yourSELF to the table, and to stop bringing the watered-down, nice, what everyone wants version of you.

You want that self to be a man who is burning in passion for Jesus, unafraid to bring his kingdom to anyone in your path, no matter the cost.

You want to love the one in front of you without fear, without needing love back, and without reserve.

You want to experience God for real, to not just believe, but to KNOW that he’s got you and that he’ll show up on your behalf. That he’ll show up THROUGH you.

You want to get to the end of your race and say, “Yep…I gave it everything. Jesus, you know I’m all in.”

...And you want to know just how to get there.

Welcome to Man Warrior King. Congratulations. You are among the violent taking the kingdom by force. You are among the chosen, answering the call to rise above your self. You are in the forge being stripped down and strengthened—and you WILL rise stronger, solid, unshakeable.

You are a man. You are a warrior. You are a king.

Good morning and welcome to another episode of the Man Warrior King podcast. I'm your host Matt Halleck. I'm the author of the book The DNA of a Man.

Speaker 1

01:45

If you haven't read the DNA of a man yet, I want to tell you a little bit about it. So it is a book that came from my years in the trenches of basically name the part of life that you can struggle in and I was struggling in it. I was, I was without any income. I was so sick I could hardly get out of bed.

Speaker 1

02:15

My marriage was disconnected. I felt I had this constant gripping pain that came from the feeling that my wife's affection and the desire she once had for me, the steamy physical passion we once had was just gone. And on the inside I was depressed, discouraged, all that. So I basically was Losing in every way you can lose in life maybe there's more but that felt like all of the ways that you could lose and I had to I had to figure out why my life had ended up in this place even though after after years of of loving Jesus wanting to serve him the spending time with God getting to know him being known by him what why what was happening I had this I I had this closest connection with God, closer than nearly anybody I knew and more of a heart for him than anybody I knew and It sure felt like I was Abandoned by him.

Speaker 1

03:55

It felt like I had Like put in all this effort all this time all all this love for him and Where what good was it was it doing like? None as far as I knew And it and I was incredibly discreet discouraged depressed about all of that And so I had to go on a journey to figure out where the disconnect was. I had to figure out where everything had like broken down in my process And you know, I wasn't ready to throw in the towel on my faith But I was ready to throw in the towel on everything that I had inherited in my mentality, my way of doing life That was not, that was not helping. That was hurtful.

Speaker 1

05:08

That I didn't know at the time, but everything that was like, actually wrong, and a lie. And I had to discover, oh my goodness, the Christian world has imparted so many lies from hell into its people. And so if you are a man who is going through hardship in 1 of the areas of your life and you love Jesus and you want to do it right and all that, and you too are feeling discouraged and abandoned and let down. I would like to present to you the possibility that some of the things that you have thought and believed have been wrong And even have been intentional lies from hell designed to castrate you And to suck the life out of you to vampirically suck the life right out of you through the lies.

Speaker 1

06:25

So this book came from all of this and in my struggle, all those different areas of life were the were the places of pain but really underneath all of them there was a root of pain Which was I am NOT man enough I'm a failure I Am NOT proud of who I am I'm embarrassed at what my life has become Yeah, I could put on a good face I could carry a decent conversation I could even preach a good sermon but I had a a level of shame and even self-hatred that I couldn't shake. So the DNA of a man is not primarily a marriage book. It's primarily a reclaim your joy, confidence, and identity book. But the arena in which that journey played out for me primarily was in my marriage.

Speaker 1

07:55

My marriage served as a mirror That caused me to see what where where I was lacking It my marriage was the significant pain that Forced me into action to figure out What the heck is wrong? And so the DNA of a man, like I get some non-married guys who read it, but the vast majority of readers are married men and women actually, but married men who feel similar to how I did. They love their wives, they love Jesus, and there's a breakdown. The desire has waned.

Speaker 1

08:48

Their wife may not even respect them anymore, they might be concerned that she is having thoughts of leaving or if not that she's just figured out a way to be happy without any kind of connection, without sex, without affection, all that. So the men who read the book, they discover that on the inside that we have to go engage in this journey that's like a three-part journey becoming a man of identity a man of principle and a man on mission I will say probably the most important part of the book is being a man of identity. And this is what is missing from far too many men in our culture and I will say way too many Christian men in our church. Christian men do not have a strong identity as a norm.

Speaker 1

09:52

Christian men have been taught that you have to disappear. Like the quoting John the Baptist, He must increase and I must decrease. They've been taught that you must decrease into oblivion, that your identity does not matter to anybody or to God. What matters is that you are a representation of Jesus and that everybody sees Jesus in you, which is good, granted, but they, but they basically push that you need to look like Jesus and not at all like yourself.

Speaker 1

10:40

You need to become like Jesus and become less like you. And what you want in life is selfish. Dreams and goals that you have that are, that are something other than saving souls, those are earthly and fleshly. And the answer to your happiness is just to learn how to slay the flesh more and to learn how to become more selfless Guys I understand all of that To a degree I lived under it and I do understand that there is truth in it But that's what makes lies dangerous my friends.

Speaker 1

11:31

It's not when they are blatantly false. Like I'm not sitting here talking to you right now about a completely, you know, other religion with different gods and telling you that that's been such a dangerous thing for the church, it's not because it's clearly, it's clearly an antithesis to what we believe. So when I start talking about lies that sound so familiar, like wait I thought that was true that's why they're dangerous I want you to tell me something Ken have you found a man whose wife pursues him sexually? Who does not have confidence?

Speaker 1

12:38

Have you found a man like that? Have you found a man whose wife like gut level wants him and this man Believes that everything about him is bad and that he should just disappear from the picture So that he can basically be a walking a walking robot pulled around by the Holy Spirit. Now maybe somebody out there has found a man like that. I would doubt it very much so.

Speaker 1

13:46

So here's the point. What I was describing for you as the lies of disappearing, becoming less and less and less so Jesus can increase and all this. Yeah, that sounds true to church minds, but what are the, what's the fruit? What's the fruit of the marriage?

Speaker 1

14:12

Where the man has, has completely Let go of his own desires for the sake of trying to Always pursue his wife's desires and nothing else. What is the fruit of that? Is it good? Are we seeing marriages that are enviable?

Speaker 1

14:35

Can you can you say can you honestly say that your marriage is enviable? Or is it just nice? Is it just getting along without fighting very much and it's pleasant? There's guys that will go on the journey of wanting to heal their marriage who are Christians many times end up looking in the secular realm, the non-Jesus-y realm of masculinity teachings.

Speaker 1

15:20

And you want to know why? It's because when you go into that realm, you begin to hear about things that are possible that you don't hear about in church. And What am I meaning by that? I'm meaning marriages that are, when guys talk about what a marriage can be like.

Speaker 1

15:40

Or let's say, let's say you're you're listening to a secular PUA guy, pickup artist, talking about how to get girls and and you know as many of them as you want basically. Now I get that that that That goal is not what we want. We don't want as many women as possible. We want our 1 woman to desire us as much as possible and to pursue us as much as possible, to respect us as much as possible, to enjoy us as much as possible, to have sex as much as possible.

Speaker 1

16:23

So I get that, okay? We don't want a bunch of women. But why do guys go to these teachers who are teaching men how to get a bunch of women. It's because in their discussions there are elements of truth that have been squelched out of church culture.

Speaker 1

16:51

Because these guys talk about how to have, basically have women eating out of your hand, hanging on every word you say. Right? And I know that it's that once you're in a couple of decades long marriage, there are some dynamics that are, that do shift. But men want something like that.

Speaker 1

17:21

And in church, we've mostly been sold a picture of marriage where Each spouse is polite and compassionate and kind, which are all good. And that's the kind of the extent of the goodness of the marriage and sex becomes a nice thing and it and it removes the the primal nature of a man and a woman from the picture. This whitewashed niceness. So you listen to these secular guys and they talk about the primal side of things.

Speaker 1

18:15

The good sex, the the feminine brain, the way she's hardwired. How do you maintain your frame? How do you maintain her respect? And a lot of the answers aren't nice sounding.

Speaker 1

18:33

Sometimes it means being a little gruff. Sometimes it means being distant. Sometimes it means not doting on her every need. And these things are taboo in certain church circles.

Speaker 1

18:50

But I'll tell you what, wives of Christian men are hungry for men to step back into their own individuality, to step back into their confidence, to figure out who they are and what they think, and to not just be yes men, always agreeing with their wives. These wives are hungry for a man that they can desire again. And the church has not produced it. Truly desirable men are a horse of a different color when you're sitting in a church pew.

Speaker 1

19:48

I'm sorry, I'm calling it like it is today. So this is why men go to the secular realm, because they want the marriage that something in them tells them is possible but that they are not seeing in church. But I'll tell you what, you look in scripture And you see it all over scripture. You see the kind of marriage that men and women are both hungry for.

Speaker 1

20:25

You see promises from God that speak much better things over your marriage Than what you've been conditioned to believe for So in the DNA of a man You learn how to become a man of identity again. Who is not easily pushed over. Who is not shoved aside by the world. Who stands his ground and makes an impact and it commands the respect of those around him and people that listen to him.

Speaker 1

21:15

That is the most important part of the whole thing knowing who you are If you don't know who you are and you don't have confidence and you don't have joy You are not going to have desire from your wife Plain and simple So you go from a man of identity into a man of principle and that's really the section that it does address marriage in more detail. Where I discuss living from a set of principles from the concept of principle, rather than living from your wife's opinion or mood, whether you will or won't get something from her. That is toxic, It's a recipe for disaster. Being a man of principle means that you have certain things that you value that you are not willing to compromise even if you clash with her.

Speaker 1

22:17

Even if it causes some ruffled feathers in the relationship, you're not willing to compromise because these things are too important. They're too much a part of who you are. See if you go the Christian route and just do sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice, I die to myself, therefore I don't matter anymore. What happens is you disappear and your wife no longer has a man to to find security and safety in now she has a replica of herself which is synonymous with a weak man who has no balls.

Speaker 1

22:55

And it pushes her away. And she doesn't even really know why because for like, well, she can, she points to like, she can point to all of your really nice attempts at romance And yet it's causes her to feel bitter and resentful and she she may not be able to articulate why It's distasteful to her She wants to withdraw She wants to turn away. She wants to push you away Because she just can't seem to handle it anymore So you have to be a man of principle who lives separate from her mood. And then finally a man on mission.

Speaker 1

23:43

End rediscovering who you are. You also have to rediscover what life is about you have to rediscover why you are here God designed you for something he put greatness inside of you I know we need to believe in Jesus, but I want you to understand something. He believes in you more than you do. So we have to, if we cannot expect to find joy or confidence if we are not living in mission.

Speaker 1

24:23

If we are doing the slavery system of 9 to 5 work while I'm amassing more and more debt and I'm just trying to pay bills living for the weekends and living for when I turn 65. That's a good recipe for your soul dying and I'm not saying that you can't work a job and be a W-2 employee at all. I'm saying you have to be on mission. And if your mission involves that, fantastic.

Speaker 1

24:55

But if you're just doing that because it's what you've been told to do and you find yourself always wondering if someday is ever going to come. The someday when you finally start to do the things that you feel like you were meant to do, then I'm sorry that someday won't come. You have to make it now. You have to make it today.

Speaker 1

25:16

You have to figure out your mission and do it. And this mission has 2 levels. It's your individual mission of what you're meant to spend your time on and to do uniquely that only you can do. That's 1 thing.

Speaker 1

25:30

The other thing is your higher level mission, which is to advance the kingdom and no matter the specific circumstance And we have to believe that we have the value again. We have as christian men we have to believe again In heaven living inside of us, that we are like God. And so when Jesus said, what I do, you're gonna do greater things, we've got to stop thinking that we are selfish and arrogant and blasphemous when we consider the fact that maybe he was telling us the truth and we can actually do miracles greater than what he did. Because you were meant to kick hell out of this place.

Speaker 1

26:18

From the very beginning, you were told to take dominion and now you have enemies sitting in your homeland. This was given to you. I don't buy that heaven is our home and earth is not. They're both our home.

Speaker 1

26:35

This was given to you and you have an enemy who has set up camp in the earth. Your job is to kick him out. Disease is illegal. Demons are illegal.

Speaker 1

26:46

Addictions are illegal. Poverty is illegal. What are you going to do about it? So if you have not read the DNA of a man, go get it.

Speaker 1

26:59

Www.manwarriorking.com. It's also found on Amazon. You're going to see it's got a bunch of great reviews on there if you have read it you haven't left a review I would love for you to leave a review for me that would just do me wonders and I would be forever grateful. Gentlemen we can do this we can do this we can do this Let's find ourselves.

Speaker 1

27:25

Let's heal our marriages. If you need help with the process. I have one-on-one coaching opportunities available right now to work with me directly so we can get you confident, joy-filled. We can get you connected with Jesus again in a way that's better than you've ever had.

Speaker 1

27:49

We will get you learning how to pray so that you see answers to your prayers instead of feeling like they're hitting walls. You are going to be proud of the man who you are, where you can step into a room of other men and know that you bring something to the table and they need what you have. We're gonna get you to the point where you are, you know that you are a blessing and a catch for your wife and you will force her into a place where she has to decide between this real attractive identity filled version of you or going out on her own. But no longer is she stuck with a weak man.

Speaker 1

28:31

And you becoming that kind of man I cannot guarantee what your wife will do but what I can tell you is that when you become that kind of a man you become absolutely the most attractive version of what you can be and you are producing the best possible situation for her to come fall at like fall madly in love with you all over again and it'll want you more than she ever thought she could and resurrect that sexuality that you thought was gone, resurrect her femininity, resurrect the affection. There's a lot to it, gentlemen, but it is possible. And when you start to change, it more often than not, it sets the stage for her to do her own work to change So if you need help get in touch with me man warrior king comm hit the contact page send me an email And we'll get in touch